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*f WSt. 1 ? A. v ? Lv1 ;fP ?a?P8I ; . -/if j ' * 5 w v. <fc'.. NO. 44 A Yoar'i Wooing:. LAutumn wbon first thoy stood on the Bipe pears on the posr tm, ripe corn on the; sssSiwte'tt!?? Bald bu ^OftQ you love lor^i Bho i2S? quite demurely, 'aNW 1iol* TTwm^wI^ whenfa<& tb*y met dp\ho The pear trees were brown, aw bare wm tbe Ills nose it vu pinched, and hit lips ttfey woro blue. - j ? ? ??. , t .?? : Bald she: "1 can't lovo youl" 8nld bo> "Nor lrour , , *Twrs sprlngtlino whon next they stood on And ^b^te'was iho pear troo nnd groon was Vbo .vassaru thoughts of ft speedy ro And the mldplet* were dancing a-down tho. _ 'brown burn. . Ho said* "Pretty maiden, let by-gones go C*n you love mo again*" She said: "I oan 'Twu^iummer^hon next tbey stood on tho ttiero were roars on tho pear tteos, tall oorn The swallows whe^eferonnd them, far up in Then awoopoA flown and snapped u'pamldg* Bald he i "lleafsbino trifle should ootne in the A ad partus again, will you mention the day?" Bhe stood, looking down on tbe fast-flowing rill, Then answerad, domurelyi -"As soon m you Willi" V- ?Chamber'# Journal, ONLY A GOVERNESS. "Ji' ?'I sup'oose I had bettor drou, and ? r: *^&JS?Ix" munnured Kate Dagnall, m jfoe brasned vigorously the unruly chrls off her broad forehead*that would " rm with < '? ?ake that brave ring to battle with ht Maymorning. if I don't look too do-^Loy^. the praisetoo; e hanging In f,little ittitoly tflidtloBs oollar ___ ?iplo knot of violet# in o plaoe of a broooh. . But above all there was a dewy freshness about her witching faoe, like ft Wild rose sparkling with the early morning dews. ??I a hall not be long,. Evie love," ahe ottllod, as she tripped out of the room, but not before a little >. ?Upper, whleh the suffbrer had been hugging jealous atear? "4 *? "Good luok, flistor mine!" and to horsolf she added: "PIorso, doarHeav on, bring her baok safely to me/' ??What a grand plaoe 1" thought Kato as she looked up at the palatial mansion on Carlton-houso terrace. mi (thought dear papa's house handsome, but that was nothing to this." To her qneftion B the Countoss of Elsllo wojfld seo hor, the butlor, a vory IJWatlMpianly man, in deep mourning, "Step this w?jr. You are Miss Dag nall, whom her ladyship expects, I ?uppoaor" v -W; ?he said somewhat shyly as * * *?ro** the marble hall up a flight of stairs, gorgeous with plotures, mlrfor? and costly purple velvet hang tngs. into a fairy bower, all turquoise plush, and billowy laoe. where an elo woman was seated at a silver and bite davenport, writing letters. j oonntess was a true patriolan in ? voioe, and gesture, with the f^?tei2Dg#o,th* yd like ft bird It* mates, I wish I wSm? kst* ? waa HMEvviii ! jjirt- jr f,-. ? >?*?? ? i *. ' i m L'.. a , n nAr\t< Httu w ^ c \ riF?!fiiB laras such ft duck pi ft on?, with doawms of kisses. Aren't you yory ploasodP" 7'XM? Mtfr. ??T| Of oourse, because TKt perhaps your papa won't Me me with the nue InduJgout eye* m you and Lady Elslio do; bo's ? gen Pife %ax^; ayvy ?fccy-he plays with m* a* hoar ettry morning, end even hdwiaa dress-my dolls, lie's not like other papas: he u with iuuocont coutfdonco. '*So her ladyship Is outP'MWHWrd Severn* a fine handsome man about thirty, with dark earnest oyes and a frank sweet,smtlo just like nil sister'*, the countess. "Yes, my lord; but Miss May is at homo with her governess." *'Thanks, Graham. I bopo all tho servants are well, and that this timo I ?hall stay among you." '1 am sure, my lord, that I can say we all wish so from tho bottom of our hearts," returned the butler, "Ah, there's no place like home to a man who has been knocking about in that arid waste, Egypt and the Holy Laud," mused his lordship as hi* valet assisted him to change his duit-oovored habiliments. "I'll just steal a march upon my lit tle pet, and oroep up and *oe what she is doing. Oh, the fun and joy of the surprisot How sho'll danco with do* light I" A beautiful room, covered with rugs of bright oolors and polished biroh fur niture; laoed draperies and pretty rose covered chintzes on pale-blue ground draped the chairs and oosy oouohes; bird* sang oheerlly from their fairy like oages; flower* everywhere; an open piano in the corner; a few beauti ful pioture* of tho Holy Child from babyhood till manhood. This 1* tho sanotum of the little heiress and her friend ftnd instruotress, Kate. A veritable Eden upon earth, purity and innocenoo reigning supreme. As the woary traveler watched with breathless Interest, a feeling of awe came over him, and ho resolved not to Intorrupt by his prosenoe tho swoet home-picture. "How lovely!" he thought; "she has the faoc of an angol. My darling 1* in deed blessed." There sat Kate, perfectly unconscious of the admiring oyes that wero taking in greedily the scono thotsho was play ing the heroine so artlessly in. The crimson tw ilight was just flooding the chamber, ana touching up with it* summer glory the bonnie little golden head ana the witching faoo as she read aloud a touching story of'our Redeem er when a ohild to May and her little 'invalid sister, who lay on a couch in ?ome filmy white robe, ono tiny hand clasping May, tho other a tea-rose, a ?-gift from ?ho oountess beforo going out - "Oh, how lovely, dear Kate!" ex claimed tho two children in ohorus when she had finished tho story. "To-morrow, dears, I will read tho lifo of his/friend and followor, St. John; now we will havo our usual lit tle conoortVJ In afew seoonds Kato'i sweet, fresh vonng soprano rose dear and thrilling, joined by the little ones' childish voice*, singing: "Abldo with me, fast fall* the eventide." Lord Severn stole noiselessly from the room, murmuring: "I will not break Into their swoet saored oonverse to-night; tomorrow morning will be bettor.'7 HI* lordship had been home a month and a fow lntlmato friends wero In vited to dinner. "It is the wish of my brother, doar ohild," Bald the oountess. "But I shall bo so dreadfully norv ous. Oh, do let mo oome in quietly aftor dinner. < I am doeply consolous of the great honor you have offered mo, my lady," ropllod Kato with sweet Bimpliolty. ??Just a* you pleaso then, doar. I Will tell hi* lordship that yon would profer to join Us later on." 1 Whatoaused Kate to tremble and blush so when May ran up to hor with two exquisite white roses laying: "Papa pluoked them, and told me I was to give them to you to wear now." . i MAro you sure, darling P" * l - *TtoM*uIt* *ure," antwered the lit tlo damsel positively, adding: "Oh, don't you look pretty?better than all ?in the drawing-room." The child was quite right, Kate oer ' made an exquisite pioture in her simple blaok-net dress, it* square-out body half-rovoallng the alabaster neok through tho delicate laoo, Where she {IobmA one of the white *??*. , Her suQoes* in the <brawlh*room was oomplete, and Lord1 Severn's at tention* moat marked.' that I was a princess or a queen 1" she murmured whon she fo?nd herself In her Own1 room. "I would hand, half my orown and kingdom. Well, well, I oan only pray that ?uoh naughty thought* may never assail me;" this a* she broathed a little sigh that wa* wafted up to the angels, who fat turn hovered around the Innooenl ig her dream* with m he *i aoo and htppli^^ .JM "Want* to see me, Orahamf" laid Kate nergexedly, about a Week after oomSS.?^" "" h" "Where am I to rfdf* room?* 1(1 W<at^ 111 drawing r <wm oh doar, what oan it bef ihe madf3?er #\ to the ?Jt room to meet^-WhatP Ret fjirt# stop to think?dismissal, per looking / very shy, bnt Jjwnr snnloe* win not be need longer a* governess to uy little ?o?r Katef she turned white to the ll^s, and could not think of a word to S2 iuh?t?zm;hi2udn, #mol ^^jrfault oommlsslon or omission, "It 1* neither," he replied. "It is ?Imply my desire: another lad* will place more fitted for tfie po Poor brave little Kate. This was the last Itraw^sjd she burst Into a flood have 1 dohaf;.'^ down such ft ft. , neP" iKa mmuJ rwfetKaftlfu^loy^ thg with me*?the od in met confusion. VI did, my sweet wife that If to be, SavTao you lwmeF Are yon nappy '?Yea, my V Wtt8 no looger "?aly * '? - Seoond Hand Ttfcwxft t , ' ^? - "Just see them go for them! I rap* E>so they enjoy the "old soldiers* M' uoh as we do ouf Havanas." Two gontlemon, one of them. fk Boa ton Olobe reporter, had just east tholr half smokod olgars into the street* and the above .remark was oalled out Iqr seeing a touplo of gamins dive Into the gutter for the stump*. <" "Enjoy thorn F Well, I guess not. Do you Imagino that they smoke all the old *buts* they manage to sooop in around the cityf" "I never gave it a thought, but I don't floe what else they want them for." : ? "Yon will be surprised then when I tell you that these old stumps, which are gathered by the ton around theoity, from hotel ouspidors, saloon ash-boxes, railway waiting-ropms. and public places generally, as well as from the gutters, are manufaoturod into cigars and tobaoeo, but I am informed that suoh is the case, and this Hieoond hand' business is becoming quite an industry. Why, a dealer was explaining th$ pro cess to me the other day.^, Of course you don't see any large concerns en gaged In the business. The trade is carried on in obscure shops and tene ment housos, and henoo few people out side of thoso engaged in it have any idea of its extent. There are probably hundreds of people engaged in the busi ness right here in Boston. "The prooess of transforming the filthy accumulations of gutters and cuspidors into bright, finoly flavored smoking tobaeco is thus explained: The ola cigar stumps, after the chakrod are cut oH are soaked in a solution of ammonia and some other chemloal which takes nearly all the niootine out of the tobaoeo ana removes all traoe el smoke and creosote. The mass of pulpy tobaoeo is then pressed into cakes and sliced by a cutting maohlne, after whioh it is given a bath in some kipd of a bloaohing solution which re move* nearly all the properties of vfhioh the weed is possessed when it comes from the plantation. It is now taken to the roof in trays and left to dry In the sun. When thoroughly dry it u carefully taken yp in the trays and oarried below, where it is passed under an atomiser, by whioh it is dampened with a preparation of glycerine an4 some flavoring extract, after whioh it is in shape to oe made into cigarettes or put np in packages as smoking to baooo. The business is said to be per fectly legitimate, as the manufacturers comply with the revonue laws and the tobaooo thus pays a double tax.1' "It is a good thing that those who smoke this second hand tobaooo do not realize what it is, or its use might be lessened." , "I don't know about that* rThose who ought to know say that the cigar ettes are far less harmful than many of those put up in more attractive shape, and that it would be a good thing for the youth of the oountry if all cigar ettes were made of secondhand tobaooo prepared by this prooess.'' T ? men slvo ditional report* aro to bo oroditod, they formerly were, and ftro raroly inolinod to barter their llborty exoopt for a pro portlonnfo quid pro quo. Lor* in a oottage has been an exploded myth, and tho pleasant fallacy, that where oho can dine two oan* only requires a few moptha' ttrialio be at onoe and for erer disproved. Wo are gradually ao oustoming ourselves to regard matri* est and most mature deliberation! like ly for the reason alleged tar that jurat* diplomas t. Many young man who willingly suoeumb to the attraotlon of a pretty face, and plunge unhesitating ly into a flirtation on every avullabTo espeolal oarc not to burn their wings; while, on their side, the fair ladierf, we may be sure, are equally oautlons at to the amout$ of enoouragement they thtt softte flood-natured^ busy had her finger in the pie. .u* fr-r ntf. M Joaloua Millionaire. i.i .i - ' > Speaking of the hatred of wealth, I observe a great deal of ranoor between other. It is dnly lately that the As tors and the VanderbUts oame to speaking ineans oonfined to those,Who envied sSSSqi /k&jfeS positive hilarity among the Wan street, ers. It nooms to mo that a mob whtoh most of tho other millionaires. Th Joy unoonfined over JCoono's downfall, however, on aooOunt of his personal. obnoxiousness. Few mtra went near him, no matter how trivial the business, without going away Invotor ate enemies. He had a needlessly harsh, insulting manner. It Is not manly to strike a dead lion, but there are few men In wall street who are not doing it?ir. y. oor. unoa . y. Thought * In response to a sign of ??floy Wi I a lad about twelve years of age applied for a position Jn a Michigan avenue ?tore. $he proprietor liked hit looks and deeded to take him, and, after some general explanations and observa* tions, askodt | "What is your first name?" I ehalloallyon by thai*1 T Whal Is your first nam??* asked lh^yr "Oh, 1 think Iff altogether the best plan to owl each other by our first names. It saves time, and yon don't Bit folks mixed up. Touoanoall me auk, and If your name'* William lean shorten it half a *od.*?^ 4 The boy hasn't begnn work yafc In (not, tho man has installed * lad In the place who, takes plenty of time to "Mister" l?lm tfld givo thMuD auM anted" \ H OW TOItlLE . 05 .& Xieotmr* to Womn T>y? W*ma? Who hu Studied " " ?1 do not euU?&i> lady who ha#boen an leador of Chioago socioty for twenty fire years, "but I reooivo a groat deal. I do not bollcre In entertainment, al refresb moute\ People do not call on you for oatablos; they can buy their lnnoh any wboro. But the1 socloty of 4 cultiratod lady or gentleman Is not ao ?aay of aooess. People want mental food; they want to exchange their idoas for lome newor ones; thoy want to talk and laugh, and to make you talk and laugh; thoy want tho soojMjMtf come swoot women of mnie. and .Tiraoky, Who will skUlf^draw thorn Into OoV venation, and, for the, timo being, <fl reot their thoughts from the subjects' that hare engrossed them all day. The woman who has to appeal to her table ?who think* the must pamper the ap* ssjsamwjm customod to aOoltfytiaatt not equal to It* demands. ' "Beiides, look at thb way women entertain nowadayal What does a man care for loos, cake, frappe, and bouillon Ftflfhly their own observa tion should teach thorn hotter1.' 1 can get more real social enjoyment and create more conrivisUty with a dozen sandwlohes and two quarts of older or hot ooffee than 1 oan with ton pounds of angels* food and three gallons of ice cream. I have been in soolety for twentr-fire years, and when I have re elvea my most oh arming companies all I served was tea and wafers. If there wero gentlemen present I substi tuted ooffee. I am a great admirer of card parties and musicales with not more than ten in the group. Abont 10 o'clock I invite them into the dining room and rofresh them without cero mony. I have a dish of si^lad, and somo nloo bread %nd butter, with a piokio or an olive audi a oup of hot coffee. More often I simply put a big dishful of nice sandwlohes in the oen ter of the little table, and have a dozen bottles of ale brought in right from the ioe-box. That is what men like, and if yon moan to please them that i? one of the menus to use. ; . "You should never feol obligated to serve rrfreshments in the morning or afternoon, for no woll-brod person ex-< peota it unless Invited especially to spend the day. If you ask him to aino with you, then serve an elegant din ner. "I think if women only knew how sweet and lovely they aro and how muoh they can do with men they would pay more attention to their personal cultivation than thoy do. Why, if a woman only goes abont it right she can do anything with a man, and make him oOnform to her ideas in every par ticular. She has taot, skill, talent, beauty, refinement, and, combine her intuition with her fasoinating powers, she oan ohange his politics, reform his religions ideas, alter tho wholo oourse of nls lifo, and shape his career to suit herself. But she must not bo a fool, I oan tell you, nor must sho forget for an instant the'art and finessoe by which she rales. "Man is at best a brusque, selfish, impulsive oreature, full of conceits and vsgarlos, and anxious to rule and con trol. He has strength and he waqta to use it; he has oreative faoultlos and lives to exeoute. But whatover he is he looks to woman for his pleasures, and the ono who oan please him oan rnle him and do with him whatshe will. A. woman is young until she Is 26, and a man retains his youth ten years long er, but after that thoro Is nothing to live for but home. Lifo has lost Its aest, and there Is no ohSrm In the toys and amusements of yestorday. You must admit that a woman marries for convenience, Sho wants a home, pro tection, immunity from labor and the delights of oompantonship. Now, if a men makes this heme. If Ike stands be if he contributes the best interests of his life for her maintenance, he oertainly is entitled to Ms reward. He wants his home beau ?tl fled, filled with friends and 1 respeotod/onooUag^od^nd 1'ovo? _ wants to be king, in short. j >1 "Oh, yes, you may say petting is all jnot get that loving affeotton at >home he wlUget it,-soma-, place else, Wife mnsl 8Wke&eUfe*rt all smm only an matter how .. rtan oanhot afford orer to a harnh word to the man she loves. ' "Beautiful? No Woman need be efeything else. If she has a poor com plexion, there are powders and oosmet ? up that defy detection: she can hava ??? *t oan be remarkably well-kept and -1 becomingly errangetl as to bo ad iui] Irregular teeth oan be UUshed like so many pearls, and olean Sth and a sweet breath are not so mmon as to be despised; white hende 1 feet are Urge, If they aro well shod? -poor, It eaa be so?lean, 'king, and so delioately your very presonco will I bestowed her oharms that islhTVtty <kjjrse toirt.* ITfhe "Sot So In ?TO Panting, ojft. the sblenoes, she, 3fe.' dttS&TU blt why and wherefore of things and the tejttr best point* in her friends, she dan mike for herself a olrole that will be the very enty of her prettiest oompetl "For instance we will suppose she Is invited to a theater or a oonoevfc'; Let her procure a programme In advance and Wkn a study of the play, the ie* evs, the muslo. or the ertMSs. Let her pense of the entertainment and has * right to expeot that the lady lie has fa vored will sho# h<* appreciation- in Aomn Vfdyt} ?? v 0h?1 fctt* natural peo plel Thoy are rude, ourt, heedlo?, them say pretty things, to use '? acquire pretti Oct n< uj pOorito, but II thet j ll ?J dhoioe I BEfesi MSTftSg to?s."?Chicago News. flfcw ? Fraction! Joker Wm Owed. ??No. gontlomen,"said Captain Skid Ayt decisively, "you don't catch mo tak ing part- in any praotlcal Jokes. I went out of that business for good over ten Yoara ago." ?'How was thatF" asked the gronp oI beor exterminators. - HE*?-*1 "? was In the winter of '72, was living in Davenport, nan oame 'round thero giving balloon asconslons. One day it was advertised that the Mayor of the town was going up with mm. Now, the Mayor was a big, fat man, whd al ways woro a light suit of olothes and a white hat This,put me in the notion of working a joke off on the people. I got acquainted with the aeronaut, and haagroed to assist me in the sohemo. We tnon got an old suit of light olothes and fixed up a dummy, whion wo filled up with sand, so that it weighed about 2u0,. ? and would, therefore, *' drop straight and hoavy like ^a man., The day of the ascension there were over 80,000 peoplo on tfco ground and thO exoltemtont was very gVoat, as thero was a slight wind blowing at the time. After the balloon got up about a mile, and maybe that far south of the town, , they dropped the dummy over.'Ja/Sf ^ "Big sensation then, enP" "Woll, I should siiOt oourse tho crowd made a broak ' out of tho town to sorape up t^e remains, and 1 rushed homo to get my' "fishing taokle, for it Btruok me that the most healthy thing I oould do would be to go fishing for a day or two. Before I left the house, howovor, I was arrostMl'fo* murder." '/? ??FormurdorP" jij} "Exactly. A lot of the boys, accom panied by tho Sheriff, rushed in and collared mo. Thoy claimed that tho dummy had fallon on a farmer and driven his skull oloar into the heels of his boots. Thoy said that the bal-r loonatio had turnod state's evidence, and tho chancos wero that I'd be hung by a mob bofore night" 1'That was rough." "Woll, so I thought I was just seared to death, and I begged the boys to stand by and proteqt mo. I ponied up $50 for legal expends, and they hid me in tho garret of a neighbor's house. Thoy kept mo thoro tefe blessed days, ; and thero wasn't a day but they Btruok mo for a twenty or two 'foi contingon- j clos. Ono night the whplo gang oame round full of oeor?on my money, mind ? you?and said thoy hud concluded, as additional precaution, to hide me in a hollow of an oak troo about three mllos out In tho woods. I saw through the wholo business thou and drovo 'em out with a olub. It was a good square oaso of the biter bit I know, but they never lot up calling me 'Dummy Skid-1 dy' after that until they actually ran j me out of the town, and I had to emi Srato to this jumpiog-off plaoe of oreo* i on," and tho captain shook his head j with a disgustod air and walked out? Shaving Drnnkon Men. "Glad that job is over," said a Mad* isoifc Btroot barber, at a customer walked out of tho shop with unsteady steps. "WhyP" was asked him. "Drunkl" sententiously. "Hay? many of that kind?" "No, thank goodness! You see, a drunken man when he sits down to get ?haved is always shooting off his mouth and Is always sure, to do it at the wrong time. Just whon the razor is pacing over his ohin an idea will strike the fool in tho ohair, open will go bis month, down will go his ohin, and it is only by the groatost oare that a fel low oan keep from outtlpg him/' "Ever havo any acoidentsf" "Don't insult me. I never cut any body, drunk or sober. But I remem ber onoe the ohap that had tho ohair next to me, a sort of green hand, who came near outting a man's nose off. The oustomor onmo In drunk, threw himself into the ohair, and kept per fectly quiet while he was being lather ed and during the time the first ono halfof hi* race was being shaved. Then When the barber was about to shat*'Bis upper lip he forgot that he had a drunken man in the ohair and held the blade olose to his nose for an instant At that very moment some thing funny struok the mind of the man andlia threw bis head back to latigh. The next instant a razor Struok his nose and a stream of blodd squirted clear to the looking glass. The boss tied ft lesson, ___ _ 0 did to<fc" " "Ever have any men go to sleep un der the soothing infltionco of a'shavef" "Yon, but not often. Sometimes a man will oome In from an early train who has had no sleep all night, and Will do*o off. Mighty mean customers tohandlejfytoo." "Hotftf that? I shotijd think they would thatnore dooil<&" ?NofctaUon. Ton hafts to tug at sharp raaor ia olose ? oagoTptm.' JrJ o^oumidZT 4 her dtarMraiUnfo to be a and that now Was tho chaaoo of i time. Tot* know I.h*v? been w^ edge of the fact . ; ?/vi ? A 1 -Well, * d em oiuttratdd to her whom Mr ffinAPEwft loso it, btit I promtsod her I wouldn't; that Td only operate on the sate side, and oh a dead-snro thing. So she let m4 havo tho fno?ey and I wont down to the ExohanK" Oil was then selling at $110. I knew it would go to $1 80 because I had th? pointers, you soo.. So I just stepped out and bought this sultof clothes. "Weill" said the cold-tea man" ?* ^?Wei^whatr' "WhA, Where does your oil spoon! tion oome InP" "Ain't I got this rait of olothesf Didn't I make 'em on. oil? Wasn't I on the safd sldo of the market? Ain't I ahead of itf What's the matter with tonf" and tho thin man walked off aaitb dignity. ?PiUaburg Chronicle, ? .v ShortWbw ntPOKTJLKT INFORMATION. . "Papa* what Is ? batP" "II is what base ball players use, mj child." "I know that, but iwn't there another kind, papaP" "Yes, there's a bird called ft bat." "I know that, too, but lan't there an other one?" ' "No, I guess &ot dear, why do you nskP'1' ? "Booauso I heard Undo John tell mamma that yon went on a frightful bai last night" Papa said nothing, but made up his mind to givo Unolo John a laylng-out next timo ho saw hiin.?New York Journal WANTED TO STRIKE IT. ??Mr. Dupreo," asked the little 10 year Old, after the big sister's beau had taken his seat, "wont you let pa hit your breach just for funP" ??Why oertainly, my littlo man; but why do yon ask suoh a question P" t, V'Kauso ho said this morning that he &{ild Ml-yourj braath any time and kniootoft quarto! whisky out of it; think,it would A>e so funny to see any thing kuockod out of ft man's breath, dojrfcyout ree didn't stop to reply.?Atlanta i i?5 ^CONSIDERATE IIU8BAN1>. Il Mrs. Blank- u.??Horo Is ft funny item wfcloh'says that? married man oan bo di|tb?ffUihfM|,by<tto way in whioh he :riea an umbrella over his wife, care ~i and loaring her _r . pings." lank?"Itis not true, though." , Mrs. Blank???No, .it is- not xou never do it Yau were ft good deal mpro, awkward at carrying an umbrella oVormebefqro wo wero married than younavo bocn since,"' f" " Mi*. Blank? "Ah i" Mrs. - Blank?"Yea; I had several bonnets and two dressed ruined by the drippings in those days. But you have beoomo ever so muoh more oareful." Mr. Blank?-"Yes, indeed. I have to pay for your things myself now."? Philadelphia CalL v >S: THEY WERE SUPERFLUOUS. ? ?'U "Why do you always wear a bunch of flowers in your buttouholeP" in quired Miss Fussanfeather, while Mr, Titepants was oalllng the other ovenlnft '?Oh, it gives ono an air of fresh ness," respondod tho pootical young man. *? -,7r *. ?rr-."*n.rz?&r3.-r ??Well," replied tho young lady, frankly, "I don't think you nood any artificial means to' prove your fresh ness." ' And then Titepants went out and sat on tbe hltohlng post to thlflik it over. ENOLI8H AS SUB 18 SPOKE IK LONDON. "Hi say, 'Arry, did yoU'hever see suoh ha blarsted country has Hamerioa his, hany *owP" . ' - "Why, what's tho matter now, John?" "Hob, tUv peak such boastly Hen Slilh hin tbU country,' Any. Hi oaWn't understand them hat, hall, you knaw. Now. hat 'ome the very street oads speak passably good Henglish has hev erybody'll tell you hlf you bask thorn." YOUTn His ONLT CRIME. "Sirrah 1" oxolaimed the solemn Faot to the littlo Joke, "you are too fresh." "Yes, I know," humbly replied the littlo Joke, "but this is the result of my oduoatlon. In our family, you know, tho only crlmo is to be stale, Ilk a Faot Freshness is groatly prised. I would bo over frosh." "Away, slight thing!" haughtily ro plied the solcm Faot "You will out grow it I onoo was young myself, a Thousand years ago," And calmly adjusting his wig ho rubbod some burnt sork on his faoe and sat down at the tamborino end, whilo the timid little Joko lingered around on the sidewalk, wishing that he, too, were old enough to Join the minstrels. Poor littlo Joke! Ho will loiter long in the bourgeois columns of many a patent insido, and tako apartments by the year in many an *almanao before that fond hope shall grow into bright fruition.?Bob Burdetti. Tho Champion Lltr. "Every time I look at tho North ?tar," said tho nautical cop, It makes mo tool pale. It Is all on accoount of A balloon experlenco I had In 1863. You probably remombor that mam moth air-ship built in Hong Kong to take a trip aoross the Paoifio. I was there at the timo, and the owner of the balloon engaged me at a salary of $1,000 a week to'accompany him In his perilous voyage. It was a bright sum mer morning, I remember, and an open lot on the outskirts of the town was filled with 200(000 people, to see us make the stari Tho aeronaut got into the oar first* and I followed hips with two native servant*, .who oarried our provisions. v" The signal was given to start and the rope* out. The immense bag of gas, with its human froight, shot up into the air like'* rocket in twelve minutes we were 6,600 feet abovo the earth. In twelve minutes more we had attained a height of 10,000 feet The revolution of the globe was Chen plainly peycept lblo. At 8 o'oloqk in the evening we had. beaten all previous reoords, rand' were sailing through the clouda at. the frightful rate of sixty miles. ?The professor, who wag blaok in the laoe Ijtyt veryenthusiastic, suddenly 'ann6bhtod his intention of attempting to gel beyond the attraction of gravita tion. I at once demanded an increase <of salary, and ho saW the raise and Wade'It $1,600/ - t, "All our ballast had boon thrown out, and* as tfce balloon bad oeased to i, it ^|ai neoe?*ary to make the oar iter, ad we pltohed one of tho ser tte oyer tho side, giving him a oook book to read On 13$ way down. Up Ishot the ballodn another mile. Then it toqamo stationary again, and the fellow had to be dlapo?od of in the in ternet'Of solonoe. f dropped him out Vejy oaref ally, because he was a very nloo man and generous txf a fault Up and up went the balloon, until we had reached an elevation ot 118 miles. "The professor saw that we were about to atop again, and kindly asked me to step out and let him continue the voyage alone. He refused, however, to further increase nay pay, so I took him by the heels and let him drop over. Thon I sailed the airship for the next threo days on my own hook very satis factorily.M F* '? "Where did you land after making thlsjerrlble trip?" asked the listener. ??Believing that tat salary was agen otas one, I permitted the professor to take his bnroraeter along with him," said the nautical cop?Philadelphia Record* * , ? ??' ,j : --V "i ? " !?' I ??' iii Director (ionoral Burke, of the Mew Orleans Skpositkfa, announces that the main building ot the exposition has been increased to J,646,000 square fe^t covering thlrty-tbYee acres, and now larger {(an the Ldndon Exposition of 1868; which coveredtwenty-three acres. b..' ? >a Conoorntnfc Shirt Front*. There exists no more interesting anil instruct,'7e spootaole for the student of human nature than that of the shirt (rents round a dinner-table. A. shirt front is a phenomenon of infinite hum or?fall of expression In evory part of it, possessing vast ?potentialities ot achievement from the bottom of the throat to the pit of the stomaoh. As Is the aspeet of tho shirt-front, suoh will bo tho look impressed on tho physi ognomy of tho woarer. You no sooner note tho starohed bulginoss projecting half-a-dozen inohos out of tho lluo of the perpendloular on tho porson of a Unitarian, or oatoh a glimpso of tho limp linon at tho sldo of tbo shirt-front whioh tho waist-coat ought to but can not conooal, than you havo acquirod a olew to tho character of that shirt front's possessor. Tho central stud may be all right, but the gonoral ofl'oot is ono of clnmsinoss. You traco in tellectual confusion and Blownoss in oaoh fold bofore you, and you know in stlnotlvoly that your opposite noighbor is a bornounglor. And now lot us ro Sard tho matter subjectively?let us, lat is, placo ourselves in tho position of the shirt-front woaror. How oftonis ho not agitated by tho consciousness that the shirt-front which bojjins like a beautiful woman may ond in hideoua fish! Down to tho contrai stud all is as it should be. But as tho moal pro gresses and ho glancos down his ltnon ho perceives to his horror a tondou ,y on Its part to discloso a lissuro and to rovoal tho undor-garment, whatovor its hue, bonoath. lloncoforth thoro is an end to all dnjoymont, Pollitur a con vivio laititia omnis. Ho can no longor convorso without constraint, his mind Wandors from tho topio of talk, ho be oomos visibly distrait and palpably dis gusted, and though ho bosoatod beside tne fairest ot tho' fair ho grows as ab eont-mlndod as the sage who employed tho finger of his briao as a tooacco stoppor. 'Shirt fronts aro tho most fickle and capricious of all articlos, and of all portions ot articles, of malo at tire. Their behavior in many instances is incalculable. The shirt-front whioh oondiiots itself admirably ono week is a modolof Ill-conditioned occontricity tho noxt. It has boon annoyed by tho washerwoman, and, with that illogloal injustice oharaetcrlstio of shirt-fronts,, vouts i^,disgust upon the paver of the washerwoman's bill. Oi; it oogins.thoi ovoniiig woll and terminates it'in a man ner 6f whioh It ought to bo ashamed. Perhaps the worst affiietlon -which oan overtake a consoiontious and woll moaniug Unitarian is the discovery that without a single premonitory hint his shirt-front has gono uttorly and irre trievably wrong. Tho' undor portion of his solitaire has insolently shaken off its moorings, doilantly refuses to be bound by its buttonhole, and, meta phorically speaking, launches out into spaoe. Who is trot familiar with the offorts this hardly-usod Unitarian makes to conceal tbo horrlblo hiatus, or with thoir futility P Ho soarcoly daros to look down. First ho gives a littlo nerv ous oou eh; then his hand wanders, as if casually, to tho mlddlo of his ohest. But neither wandoring hand nor nerv ous oough can put that shirt-front right again. It is a gono coon, and ho will as easily rostore tho solitairo to tho original sookot as tho soiled dovo will regain hor vlrtuo. He must accept tho blow of a sovore destiny, and his best hopo must bo that by maintaining his body at a propor anglo, and by peri odically smoothing his rufilod plumage with a skillful hand, ho may mlnimkso in somo sort tho appalling oalamlty whioh has ovortakon him.?London World. Whoro Blnokburn Mot His Baby. I Four days boforo I wont to the front with ray roglmont wo had a littlo girl baby. She Is now grown and you always too her with mo at any social gnthor(ng. Well, in our army tho furloughs camo | very raroly. When wo got Into lino thoro was no groat chanco for a man to got home. It was about throo yonrs afterward that a fow of us woro ono night going down tho Mississippi on a river stonraer. I had been siok and was roturniug to my command, but pretty woll brokon up oven then. As for money, we did not have any, and the night was hot as I laid down on the deolc, my throat almost parohed with thirst. Protty soon a littlo girl oamo along with a big glass of lomon ade. I tell you it looked good to me. She saw me eyeing it, stoppod a min ute, looked doubtfully at mo, and finally oamo up to my side. "You looked as if you wantod somothlng to drink," she said, and offered mo tho Slass. It wasn't tho squaro thing to o, but I took it and handod it back to her ompty. It was liko nootar to me. Then I thanked the little oreaturo And sent her away. Boon after Just liko every ohlld, she oamo book, lead ing her mother to seo tho poor soldior. By Jupiter, it was my wife, and tho girl was the baby whom I had last soen as a baby but just born. You oan imagine the reunion. They were with my brothor'a family, and liapponod to bo going down tho river. That was tho only time during tho four yoars' fight* Ing that I taw my wife ana baby, and under these olroumstanoos what man would evor forgot itP Why Thojr Couldn't Hear Him. General Jatnos 0. Strong, of Buffalo, was here this week. Ho arrived on the 99d anniversary of the day upon which he wa* shot down upon a Southern battle field. He was struok in the hip (the wound is famous afnong physioianft and surgeons, I'm told) in a very peculiar way, and lav by a log In great Agony (nil day. In the evoning after the battle he hoard the voioos of his men oalling him from different auarters of the field. "Colonel Strong!" ley shouted. Ho replied by shout ing at the top of Mr voioei "Hero I ami" "Here I ami" Still his men kept shoutingt "Colonol Strong 1" '?Colonel Strongl" Again he replied with all his might: "Hore I ami" "Hera I ami" Tho searcher* oamo nearer, still shouting. Colonel Strong always replied: "Hero I am" with all his might At last they wero within IhrM feet of him. "Here 1 ami" he shouted. They oamo nearer, but in a ?low uncertain way. Finally ono of them leaned over the log, flashing bis lantern light full on tho prostrate man. ??Why, here's the Colonel now," ho laid to his companions In tones of sur prise. So they gathered him up and oarried him to tho hospital. As soon as ho was well enough hoaskod the man who had found him on the battle^fleld why he had not eomo to him at otoce when he heard him shouting, "H?re I ami" "We didn't heir^'you, sir," said tho soldier, "until wo loaned over tho log, apd thon Wo heard you whisper In icarooly audlblo tonos, 'Here 1 am.'? Philadelphia IlMord. The Wasbihtori Monument goes up it the r*te of two feet a day now, In ji^\ir wcmtiior. WIT AND HUMOR. A dado is a 60 cont man in a $60 salt of clothes. An insui'anco man says tho toasoa / i*t Nero liddlod while Eome was burn ing was that business was probably dull in Rouio and Noro was heavily nsured. A man's brain wolghs throe and a half pounds. A woman's is somewhat lighter, but of finer quality. That Is what onablos her to taste lard in hot neighbor's pastry. A mastr don's tooth weighing four pounds has boon found on a farm in Now York staio. Wondor what mom ber of Havorly's mlnstrolB had a molar oxtractod boforo loavlng for EuropoP Tho Oil City Blintard is respensiblo for tl.o Btatomont that strawborries and oream mako girls '-frookled and oauso thom to too in." Thoy will toe into an ico oroam saloon all tho samo.. ?-Bos? ton Qlobc. Owing to tho crazy-quilt mania, society young mon on small inoomo havo boon obliged to fall baok on tho old black tio. It is too narrow for a i patch and too black to bo attraotlvo.? j Hartford Post. f A cortaiu pootos is said to mako ?ood Jolllos as woll as good poetry, t ia suggostod that she mako a now j departure?send her jollies to nowa I paper oflloos and osu her pooms.? | Norristown Herald. 1 A London Bank has issuod an ordor i prohibiting tho woaring of bearda or mustachos during business hours. It ' must bo vory annoying for tho olorks to oarry thoir boards in their pokots all day. Thoro aro liable to got mussod up. Tho faot that El Mahdi, tho Falso ?Prophot, sloops during tho day, and transacts all his business at night, gives rlso to tho suspicion that El mUBt nave boon a night news editor beforo he wont iuto tho businoss of despatch ing his onoinlos.' . Tho ohoir of a oh5rch in Hew Hamp shire couldn't mako oiit why tho troblo notes of tho organ all of a sudden kopt getting so mucii stronger than the bass, until thoy oponod the thing and r found a half-starved cat in tnoro.? Turlington Frtc Press. Honry Irving made four hundred thousand dollars in tho Unltod Statos. This shows that Amerioans aro not tho hoBt businoss mon, for many of us havo livod here for yoars and hate not mado more than three hundred thousand.? JV. F. Morning Journal. A Pittsburg inventor has devlsod ft jet-blaok mirror. They will haTdlv bo . como ' popular among our colored oitizons, tor in suoh a mirror a dusky damnol oan porooivo only tho white ol hor oyes. *'G'way frum heah' wih yor braok lookin' glassost" 4,My doar," said the wife of tho editor of a wookly newspaper,,Vshali I glvo a way thoso old trousors that you haven't worn for two years, to somo poor, doserving tramp? ' VNo, ans wered tho editor, "lot thosa trousers hang just whoro thoro are. I may, start a daily papor somo day and, then I will neod them sure.** y./,. ' Georgo Zoller stolo a pair of shewa from tho editorial room of a Philadel phia nowspapor, for which crime ho was sont to jail loir throo months. If he had still farther crip pled the nowspaper ofllcG by talung tho paste-pot, it Is boliovod tho odltor would havo insisted upon n Ufo sen tenoe. ; , Fipps, who has boon lunohing with a friond upon frogs' logs: "Evorthing you soo is of some uso in this world, oven the frog." Friond, who U dis Eutatious: "I don't agroo with you. if what uso Is tho mosquito to US? T Flpps: "Ah, my doar follow, you tako a wrong viow of things. Just, thlnlfc how usoful wo aro to tho mosquito* Boston Gazette. Tho pooplo in San Antoi nervous that a law has 1 forbidding steam whistles in that city. How those f suffor if a circus oalliope s to osoape and run wild streots, Why, the poopl sit right down on the i bloat llko a sacred oalf, waukeo tug-boat whlstlo I. to be sprung upon theni would give them oramps. Burdotto phUosophloall youngmon: Do you bodil, own business ana ba oonte rewards. .You may not WL.... mllos in six days as Fitz^ald, bat yoa l* oan sleep a groat deal niorT timef;and if yon do not get so muoh m^W/ lC, it neithor do yoa get so many n On your Hitlo salary at tho su?M&id<Mrl</, counter, you cannot oloan upfBOO.QOty^ * on Wall streot this week. But Jhen^ .? neithor oan you be qloanod out of 1460,-a 000 noxt wook. w*.ia.aA. fit? Senator Coke, of Texas, has ft m? mark ably powerful voioo, and It said that whon he was discussing the pleuropneumonia bill and gov nit ' '1 throtUo'Talvo wldo open, thepagos put ' cotton in thoir ears and wedged th^'"* window sashos to koop them froth rattling aud breaking the glass. At, the climax of his tooiforationS Coke announoed that he Intended to spoak so that the wholo country would near himj and thon, as hopaunod for broath, Hook remarked, "Guoss, thoy will, Coko, it the're not stone deaf. ?New York Tribune . ^ ;!l It Is related as a grave and solomu vorlty that two Indies mot at the door of a Boston "ladles* broker,'* when end orlod In groat oxoitcraont: "Ob, dear , Mrs. X., I don't knoW, putl amruluod., ,? I sold long or short on I}kn & Beor? * sheba Railroad bonds, and for tha Ilia. <, of me 1 don't know whloh, but if It's to otle way or tho othor I'm utterly bank* rupt" "Oli don't take on so, my dftar, was the roply; "It's JuAt tho satari with me on Camnralsataed .mining Htookn, but I'm Just going In and tell th& olefli that I didn't motfi a Word of Wh*t J ?aid yesterday, whatever It wla, "Oh, you lovo, exelalmod tho othor, rapturously; "what a hoad you hato for buslnosfi. Why, your'e Just like a man I" ? , v.... Thoy vrero In grocery store. Bald Hrown (iooing a blind man about - to enter): "Whore you awaro howdeli oato the touuh of a blind man isP Whon nature dopriros us ol one Sense she make amoral* by bringing the other flonae* to oxtraorafnary aoateness. Let me Illustrate by ttufl genteman. I'll take a sooop of sugar atta let> hin V feel of It, and you see how quickly he'll' tell what it Is. ' The blind manhavln, ontered, he was put to the tout. put his thumb and finger f scoop. an<t without 'honTtatU "That is sand." ^wreifjbod#' laughod but tho grocer. He made three setera attompte at blushing,' and then went Into the back shop and klokod his do<r. -mt'l Bttn. ? ? n<iitin i i ,, . At a Salt Lake funeral * tho etioti tang the words of "Nearer My God to Thee" to tho tune of "Bobln Adair*".