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VOL. XI. CAMDEN, S. C., THURSDAY, MAY 22, 1884. NO. 35. Gilbert's Latent. * [In Gilbert and Sullivan'* now comic opo ra, "The Priuoots Ida," the following ?ong 18 iuuk .by "Gaum," the I'hl arit!iropli>t King, who has n crooked k'g, h club foot and a hunchback.] Jf you will give mo your attention, 1 will toll you what I mn: I'm n genuine philanthropist?nil other kiuds arc 8hum. Each little fault of teiapvr and onch social defect In my orrlng follow creatures I endeavor to ( correct. To all their llttlo weaknesses I open people's | eye*. And little pians to snub the self-sutllclont I devise; 1 love tny fellow creatures, I do ail the (food I , can, Yi t everybody says- I'm fuch a disagreeable j man 1 And I can't think why! To compliments Inliaud I've a withering reply, And vauity 1 r.lways do tny best to mortify ? A charltafc.o action 1 ;an skillfully dissect. And Interested motives I'm delighted to do ted? 1 know every body's Income and what evory- , body earns. And I carefully enmparo it with tho Income tax returns; Ilut to benefit humanity however much I plan, Vet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man I And I can't think why 1 I'm euro I'm no ascetic, I'm as pleasant as can be; You'll nlwnys find me ready with a crushing repartee; I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer; I've nil entertaining snljrgcr, I've a fuscitiut Iiik leer; To everybody's prejudice 1 know n thing or two; I enn toll a wonii. -'s age in half a minute? and I do. Ilut, although I try to make myself ns pleas nut us 1 can. Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man 1 And 1 can't toll why I THE OLD CHART. "With all your lino eourago you wouldn't ti:iro to spend an hour in tho old Grange after dark." "I would!" criod Rilla, with a Hash ing glance nt her fair, pale cousin. "Oh, Rilla, hut lhov say it is hmint ed!" fullered Bessie Sage, with a little shudder. "By ruts and owls," said Rilla laugh ing. Miss Justine Ponrynn, tho heiress and beauty and also the cousin of fear less, daring Rilla Brooks, rapidly con cocted a little plot, which should tost tho girl's courage, and also appease tho spirit of malice aud spile harbored in her own heart, Sho had no causo to hate Rilla, but hate her she did, and with venom. She had all heart could desire?or at least it seemed so?youth, beauty, for tuno, and friends by tho score, wliilo her young cousin lived in penniless ob scurity. It came about in this way. Old Captain Ponrynn had a son and daughter. Tho son married to please his father, but tho daughter married to pleaso herself, and sull'ered disinherit ance in consequence. Sho died in a few years, leaving a baoy daughter, and a pleading pitiful letter to her father, who road it with tears in his oyos, and who forthwith took charge of tho little girl?a brown eyed, dainty sprite, who made, the old Grange merry with her childish laugh ter and pattering childish feet. It seemed that Captain Ponrynn was doomed to outlive all his family, for his eon also died, leaving oiio daughter, so ho had only two grandchildren to in herit his wealth, and he made a new will, dividing tho property equally be tween them. Two years boforo our story opens, ho died very suddenly; but when Lawyer Sago searched for the latter will, lo! it liud vanished. llo was astounded; he went through his old friend's private papers again and again, but no will appeared, ex cept tho ono leaving all to his son and his heirs, for over. "Perhaps ho hid it," mused the puz zled lawyer. "I remember, just before he died, ho pointed towards that chart and tried to speak. 1 will examino it." And he took, down the heavy chart, and shook it, and looked behind it, but only tho blank wall met his view. So ho road the old will, after an olaborato explanation to tho asscmblod frionds ana relatives, and Justino listouod with secret exultation, and Rilla with some pain and bowildor uont. Miss Fcurynn roturned to town with nit offering ovon a hnin 11 portion of the ostnto to hor'cousin. "A moan, heartless, stingy thing!' oriod Bosslo indignantly. Ami hor father soorotly agrood wit! hor. Ho ooulil not soo pretty impulsive Rilla turnod adrift on tho world, tint took hor homo with him, to finish hoi education with Bosslo niul to help tend tho youngor children. She had livod a quiet, busy, happj Hfo thoro until Paul Duverant?hand Homo, nonohalant Paul?eanio out te tho villago to spend the suimnor hunt ing and fishing. It was by tho doctor's orders he sought tho hoaltliy (pilot of countrj lifo, and aftor making acquaintance with Xawyor Sago's family, ho coasoc to groan ovor tho dullnoss of IiIb oxist onoo. Ho had not boon in llartwoll mor< than a month, whon Miss Ponrynr camo down for a fow days. Sho wished to consult dear Mr. Sag< about Homo invostmonts, and flho ooollj announced that sho would stop witr thorn, and hor Paris finery and finishoe worldly gracos quito ovorshadowod Bos slo ana Rilla. Tho fow days had longthonod int< throo weeks, and thoy hau been weoki oi torturo to poor Hllla, for she had not only to onuuro half-Toilod taunts, and outting malicious stabs, from tlw volvot-tonguod hoiross, but hor pool f>asslonato hoart sufforod an agony oi oalouty. Justine Btoppod In botwoon hor and Paul Davorant. Sho olaimod his attention almost af n right, and, with a lino assumption ol oarolosB indifferonco, ho allowed hor t< do it. Porhaps it amusnd him, perhaps i pleased him: Itilla thought tho latter, and blunhod scarlot with shamo ant indignation to think thnt sho had giver her lioart to a man who cared nothing for it. Sho grew oold in hor manner towardi him, and avoided his society so por fdntontly ho must have noticed it, though ho made no sign. But she war miserable and half-rock less, and rathoi fanciod tho ldoa of sponding a night ai tho lonoly old Grange, which had noi boon Inhabited Blnco tho captain's death. Porhaps It wns haunted, as some ol tho Ignorant country people Bald, and norhapH Nomething would happen t< nor, and then she would novor lmvo the hoartaoho any more. "8uppoao you go to-night," said JuHtinO, aftor a few minutes' thought. "Wo oan leave you as we go on to the party, and oall as we return." "Bui Mm. Williams said she wanted Rilla to'bo sure and corao; and then, 1 want hor to onjoy the party." "Non?on#o! It Is sure to bo a dull affair} and thon, Mr. Davorant has gone to tho olty to-day. Our d?ar Hills would not onjoy it unless " "I urn sure you are altogothor mis taken; but I care nothing (or tho party, anil?yes, I will stay at the Grange to night.^' "Oh, Uilia, don't?mamma will be so angry," pleaded distressed Bessie. "She must not know it until after wards, and then it will only be p joke," said Justine. "After all, Rilla's heart will fail her when the time comes." "Not sc; it is made of toucher ma terial than that," said the girl coldly. "Is it? 1 thought it was rather soft ?nd weak." "Did you? That proves that even ydti can make mistakes sometime.!." Ami liilla met her cousin's mocking eyes steadily. Thit evening. Miss Fonrynn held quite a conversation with her maid?a conversation made up of terrified pro tests on one side, and threats on the other. "Oh, I dare not!" sighed the woman, clasping her hands. "Then consider yourself dismissed from my soiviue," said the mistress coldly. And then, to save her situation, sho submitted Rilla put on her white party dress, fastened some superb crimson roses on her breast and in her hair, and with her deep dark eyes, her fresh delicato color, and piquant face, I am not suro that she dia not look lovelier than hor cousin with all her laces and glittering jewels. The Grange was a mile from Hart well, and Bessie almost wept when Rill a sprang out of the carriage beforo tho lonely gate; and Bertie Wilford, their escort and Bessie's lover, used all his powers of persuasion tochango her mind. But under the amused glitter of Jus tine's- eyes, she remained lirm, and waving tho hall-door key at them in farewell, sho ilitted up tho luaf-strewn walk to tho dark, dcsolato old house. A slight shiver crept over her as tho hall-door swung open with a noisy creak of its rusty hinges, and a gust of damp ill-smelling air rushed out; but lighting a bit of candlc shofiad brought with her, sho mounted the stair$ to Tier grandfather's room. Most of the furniture had been re moved, but tho old man's armchair still stood by the window, and tho chart hung on the wall opposite. llilla did not feel afraid, but wither sorrowful. "Foor grandpa! you intended to pro vide for me," she said, and patted the chair. Then sho opened tlio window, and sat down by it to keep her long vi^il. Tho hours passed, and for all* her heartache sho grow drowsy, and sloop was stealing upon her, when a soft stealthy footfall echoed from the stairs. Sho was sitting erect and wido awako in an instant. She listened breathlessly. \ es, tho steps were coming upstairs, and along tho hall. She could hear tho rustle of drapery, and then the door swung open, and bracing herself, she looked to see who or what it was. Tho sight was enough to try stouter norvos than a young girl's. ltilla felt an icy thrill rush over her, and she caught hold of tho chair-back for support, ylien she saw the tall sheeted form standing motionless in tho doorway, but sho was at bay, and after ,tho iirst moment of terror, sho found her voice. "Who arc you? ami what do you waul?" Miss Justine had not provided for that question, not crediting her cousin with courage enough to ask it, but an answer was not needed. A great owl hail taken up his abode in the hall, and disturbed by the un usual sounds, and tho flicker of candle light, he gave one awful hoot, and Hap ping his wings, swooped down over tho head of tho ghost into the room. It .vas moro than tho waiting-maid could boar. "Oli, Lord, Miss Killa, what is it?" alio shrieked; find touring her ghostly raiment olY, lied to the girl fur protcc tlon. It was a case of "run, black devil, white devil catch you," and after re covering from her astonishment, Killa laughed aloud. "Sarah, what does this moan?" "Miss Justine made mo do it. Don't don't lot tho thing touch me? I didn't want to do it!" llut aftor knocking down tho chart, which fell with a crash, and upsotting tho oandle, tho owl flow out at tho win dow and vanished. Killa soothed her torriliod companion, relit tho candle, and thon ossayod to nick up tho broken chart. Hut tho frame foil to plooos, and out from the back of it rolled a bundle of papers. * ? * ? * Meanwhilo, all went merry as a mar rh^'-boll at tho party. Hessio loft it to .Justino to make ex cuses for ltilla, and that young lady did ho with tho best grace in tho world, and then she danced and tlirted as though sho had not a care on her mind. Hut timid Hessio sulVorod a cruel anxioty, and sho drow a breath of ro lled when, lato In tho ovoning, Paul Davefjuft entered the room. Ho glancod slowly around, and a ithado of disappointmont crossod his handsomo faco. "Whoro 1h Killa, Miss Sago?" ho in quired an soon as ho reached Kosslo. That quostion loosonod Hessio'n inguo, and sho poured out tho wholo vory to tho gentleman, who Ustenod with a.quiotnoss tho gathoring firo in his eyes boiled. Ho glancod at his watch. "It is timo tho joko ended. If you aro roady, wo will go on together. If not "Oh yes, I am glad to go. Call Her tio, ami I will speak to Miss I'enrynn." Justino smiled disagreeably, but thinking that it would not do to go too far, sho mado no objection to an onrly doparturo, but gave her version of tho Httlo Joko, and all called Killa a silly oldld for taking any ono so literally. Tho othors listonod in silonco, and Hessio clasped her hands and stralnod her eyes through the gloom to catch the first sight of the Orange, but thero was a koener pair of eyes watching, also, and thft horses had hnrdly been pullod up before the gate when Davor ant dashed open the carriage-door and sprang out. All his careless iiidiflWonco, Ids lan guid nonchalance, foil from him undoi the prossuro of fear and anxiety. He entered the empty echoing houso. Ho mounted tho stairs two at a timo, softly vot clearly calling: "Killa, Killa! Mho met him at tho doorway of hoi grandfathor's bedroom, flushed but radiant, and safo and unharmed. "Killa love!" ho cried, and snatched hor to bis brenst with hurried passion nto words of love. "Is it true? l)o you really caro for mo?" sho said in a sort of glad won der. "So well that If you had como to titirm this night my peaeo and iov would havo boon for over destroyed, lio said, bondiug his lips to hers. In her happiness sho could afford to bo charitable, and sho explained tho f>roscnco of tho waiting-maid with as ittle blame to her cousin as possible, and then camo a brief account of tho fall of tho chart, and leading him near the candle, sho held a foldou paper out to hirn to examino. "What is it?" he iuquirod, struck by sorno subtle change in her. "Grandpa's last will, hidden in tho back of that frame. Oh, Paul, you loved 1110 without tho money, but I am glad your wife will not como to you penniless." "Lot her come as sho may, sho will ?always be my best belovod, my doar ost," ho said with deep tonderness. "After all, malico can overreach it self," ho continuod, as they went down stairs hand in hand, tho frightoned maid closely following. "If your cousin liad left you in peaco tho will might novor havo been fouud." And so sho thought, railing bitterly against herself and all tho world, whon mado to comprehend what had occurred. As for Lawyer Sage, ho rubbed his hands and said: "I knew he could not havo destroyed tho will, and I always felt that the old chart had somolhitig to do with it." The Aiucrlcnn Klght-Scer. "Yes, sir," said tho American mill lonnaire, as he consulted the bill of faro In a Parisian cafo, "I delight in travel. When I was a boy working for $2 a week, lusod to think what n grand thiue it would bo if I had money and could travel all over tho world. I rosolvod then that if ever I bocamo rich I would seo tho noted places of tho earth. Well, I made money, and hero I am at Pareo on my tour of observation. When an American citizen, sir, gets tho travel fever on him his country, big as it is, is too small to hold him." "Yecs, your country ccs a big coun try," said his French acquaintance who sat opposite to him. "Big country," exclaimed the Amer ican, striking the table with his hand. "It is tho biggest country in tho world." "I'vo been thorc," said tho French man; "it is full of wonderful sights, Niagara, for instance." "Never saw it," said the American; "never had time to visit it." "An zc Yosemito valley," continued tho Frenchman. "Never had a chance to go there," said tho American. "And ze Yellowstone Park." "Heard lots about it, but never could find time to visit it." "And zo Mammoth Cave, of Ken tucky." "Blamed if I crcr thought of visiting that." "Zo Palisades of zo Hudson?" "Whow! did intend to soo them, but always had so much to look after, you know, and?" "And tho sconory, magnifiquo at zo Wliito Mountains?" "Never could iind timo to tako a trip up there, by gosh." "Of courso you have seen zo Thou sand Islands, and ze rapids of zo St. Lawrence, Lako George, Lako Cham plain and all zo beautiful places?" "Nover had timo to visit any of tlioso places. Always had too much busi ness on hand. "YV hy come to see zo tamo scenery of Luropo when you havon't seen zo grand scenery and zo wonders of your own country?" "Bccauso I'm a dinged fool. "I'll go right homo on tho next boat. A man who hasn't been any further cast than Swampscott, nor any further west than North Adams, in his own country, has no business in Europo. ? SomcrvMc Journal. ^ . Tho Negro iu? a Gossip. Tho principal reason why papors edited and conducted exclusively by colored men and exclusively for tho so callod bonolit of tho colored raco havo generally met with bad luck, and been so short lived, is that tho negro ha3 no need of a nowspaper. ? Ho is a born gossip, a natural nows gathorer, and whatcvor ho may chanco to soo or hoar is at onco scatterod to tho four winds of hoaven, through tho medium of such of his own raciTas ho may happen to moot. A hasty telling, a picturesquo embol lishmont, and away go tho solf-ap polntod oourlors, happy in tho posses sion of a bit of news Unit insures thom a hoarty wolcomo everywhere, and In vests them with a dignity they could not othorwiso hopo to obtain. Nothing pleases the negro bettor than a chanco to talk, whether it bo pulpit, cornliold, atroot corner, or any othor placo whore two or throo of his raco aro gathorod together. Toll him something important, and In less than twenty-four hours his neighbors for forty miles around havo heard all about It, docoratod with weird brilliancy of meaning tho various passages it has travorsod. No matter whero tho negro may bo or in what oc cupation engaged, if ho can havo somo ono to talk to ho is porfoetly happy, and ovolvos a quantity of wisdom, ludi crous and othorwiso, that would mako old Col. Plato, of tho Athenian cavalry, turn palo with onvy. Tho nogro Is a gregarious animal also, and for him nohtudo has abso lutely not a single charm. Ho will at any timo walk ten miles for company's sake, ami a chanco to air his social, political or religious opinions is considered by him a groator favor than a glass of whisky with wliito sugar thrown in. Ho don't liko to bo forcod to com friuno with himself, at least not till ho gets to bo a hundred years old; prefers stewed rabbit to a rovorlo and religi ously believes that in tho multitude of counselors thoro is safety. Of tho ton measures of talk that aro supposed to Jiavo boon thrown from hoavon tho nogro got nino, and ho makes constant uso of them on each and evory nosslblo occasion. - Hamil ton Jay \n brlroil Free Press. I hoard a group of lit tin folks ehat toring to oaeli other not long ago, and boasting of the different occupations of their respective pii<in.'il relations. Said ono sinull youln, ''My p:i|?ti is sinarter'n yours, 'cause ho's a lawyer." "No; my papa Is tho best, 'cause he's a senator and a lieutenant-colonel." "Not muoh he ain't; my papa Is bot^ tor'n all; he's a pall bearer."- Hatl Francisco Report. "Ono Good Turn, etc" A.: "Tho tailor you recommended to mo is a reg ular soamp. I gavo tho follow my uls ter to repair and ho has gone and pawnod it." !?.: "Ah, well, but you see, my dear sir, ho has redeemed my coat Instead ?that is just tho reason why I recommended that tailor. Now you had better go and recommend him to somebody else, nnd It won't bo long boforo you got your ulster baek ap-aln." - Fliegcndc lHatlcr, G12N. GOltDOVS HA13IT8. Personal Appearance and Character istic* of the IlrUlah Hero. Mr. William Carroll, who has been abroad sinoc last Mav, returned to this city yesterday. At Brussols, Mr. Car roll met Geu. "Chinese" Gordon, now on his way to Khartoum, and had sev eral long talks with him rolativo to tho affairs of Ireland, Egypt aud Turkoy. Said Mr. Carroll: "Iwas with Gonftril Gordon when ho ? nved tho dispatch from tho English government instruct ing him to mako preparations for his de parturo to Egypt. It was ou tho after noon of Thursday, Jan. 17. whilo wo wero dining together. Tho waiter handod him tho dispatch, apd thinking i it contained important news, I watchcu tho expression of his face but it did not ehango,and when ho iiad linished read ing it ho looked calmly up aud said: l "1 havo instructions to leavo at onco for Egypt." Dinner was finished In si lence, but later in the eveuing wo talk? od for hours on the subject." "What sort of looking man is Gon. Gordon?" :u>kod Uio reporter. "He has a pair of bright, sparkling oyes, and in many tilings ho reminds mo of Gen. Agnus, lie has u small black mustache, but In1 keeps tho bal anco of hi* face scrupulously clean, liy his general appearance you would take i him to be a man in the ordinary v, :x1k of life, and not the great general ?.L.. i o is. A '.rood juke lie relishes very much although lie never visits the theatre, and he is happie-t when relieving from want some poo:- but deserving person. When in London he is constantly visit ing the slums, spending his monoy and doing all iu his power to allcviato tho sufferings of the poor." "Was his visit to Belgium in connec tion with tho proposed expedition to tho Congo region?-' "Yes, ho had several interviews with tho King, in which ho accepted tho mis sion to go to tho Congo region to try and break up tho slavo trado of that place, as ho had an utter ablrcrrenco of slavery, and has often spoken to mo of our martyred President Lincoln, who ha said should havo a monument in tho hearts of all true men for having freed tho colored raco. Ho had tendered his resignation as an othcer in tho British army, in which ho lias sorvod for thir ty-two years, in order to go to tho Con go region, but tho government would not accept it. Ho received his orders like any truo soldier, and left mo tho next morning to go to Loudon, and thonco to Egypt. He could not help regretting his inability to mako tho expedition to tho Cougo region at onco, but contented himself by saying that ho would havo an opportunity of doing so upon his return from his present mission, if, as ho said, ho did notloavo his bones to bleach upon tho Egyptian plains." "Did ho fear tho trip to Egypt?" "Not at all, but ho said his death was among tho possibilities at any time." "Will ho ever visit this country?" "His greatest ambition is to como to America, which lie purposo% doln<* within the noxt two or three years. Iio terms this tho country of entorpriso, and ho says our newspapers arc tho greatest in the world. Speaking to mo one day about slavery ho said:"Mr.Car roll, why don't some of your rich men like Vaudcrbilt or Astor appropriate 9ay $1,000,000 for tho abolition of slav ery in Congo? It could be dono with this amount of mono}-, and I would do it. Tho credit of tho emancipation would rest with tho donor of tho monoy and would bo forever a monument to his memory." "Does the General go into society?" "No, ho does not carc much for dis play and is very temperate. Tho Princo of Wales sent for him ono day, asking him to breakfast with him. Ho rojiljou that if tho princo wantod to talk busi ness and snioko a cigaretto with him for half an hour ho would bo glad to visit him, if not ho would havo to de olino tho ploasuro." "Does ho road very much?" "Ho roads nothing but tho newspa pers."?JJaltimorc American. ttaira Yngor's Opinion of Matrimony. "Well, Mr. Yager, what do you think of matrimony, anyway?" "Vat i dink foil it 'onnyvay?' Ouf I dink ton it onnyvay I dink fon it onny vay, hain't itP" "I moan what do you think of matri mony?" "Vat van doso?" "Tho marriodlifo, you know." "Ugh! You bot moin Bchwood lifo I know. Dot poon a humbuggor pininoss. Dot noon a schoat und a pird drap to catch follors mit." "Then you didn't marry happily." "Oh, yos; to poon schuro I marriod mo dot vay. Dot's vat dor maddorvas mit dot pisnoss. Dom honoy-moon HchooHo wook? I vas moro habby in as a hundort und founftv yoar doroafdor, ouf I lif mo dot long/' "Yos, but I think tho marriod lifo, tnko it all in all, is the happier lifo of tho two." "No-sir-o, Hop. Ouf a mans him don'd got marriod, hiin poon his own boss; him don'd no droubio9 got mit his frau und dom sohillorn. Und don look: Him bring dom sohillorn on dot vorld, vhat for? Fur to got droublos Robust dor samo liko him got." "Of courso no ono is porfootly happy in this world, Mr. Yagor; but I will vonturo to say that if your wifo was to leavo you, you would fool vory lonoly and unhappy." "I know mo dot. Ouf I gono mo homo uud Ii'hii poon dor liouso oud dwo hour, I valk mo und look mo all dor dimo 'roundt fur him und fools so by moinsolf I don'd gan'd nodings oad. ' "Soo! So you wouldon't liko to bo singlo again." "No. Hud how gomes dotP Ouf t don'd got nio marriod vhon I poon a young feller dot don'd boondoro, liain't it? I dinks it vns patter ouf a mans him got him marriod to lighd dor ding drough; abor ouf him don d got mar riod It vns potter fur dot sohillorn vat don'd vns gotpornod yit to sohtop mid oud marry. Dot safe droublos In dot vorld und all dor older vorlds, und don'd it forgot you."-?Kentucky fttatn Journal. Tho world is chock full of incongrui ties. Thoro is, for Instaneo, tho big bearded man with a voleo like tho Hull of Hashaii. Ho comes before tho au dience and sings "I Fear No Foe" in bravura stylo, and in a way that drops bits of plastor from tho colling. And in two hours thoroafter that man will bo going up stairs in his stocking foot lost no wake a 110-pound wife. Ami next morning ho gets up moekfy and kind les throo fires. ?Pittsbury Tclctjraph Chronic.le. An otymologienl nuthorlty says that "zampifarotatiouiBt" is the proper name to apply to a rollor skater. It certainly looks a good doal liko that whon you get a follow started who doesn't exactly understand tho bu?i A Mouno in tho Room. ?'My dear!" exclaimed Mr?. Spoop cndyko, as sho backed into tho corner and stuck her head straight out lu front of her. "My dear, there's a mouse! what are wo going to do?" "I should judge from tho width of your rnoutli that ouo of us was going to eat him!" replied Mr. Spoopcndyko, ?^ringing from his chair and grasping his cane. "Where is he? Show him to mo!" and Mr. Spoopondyko rattled around under tho boa with his stiok and then charged on tho table. "Hav en't yo got any more arms you can stick out in different directions so as to givo tho approximate locality of that nxouso?" "Thcro ho is!" yolled Mrs. Spoopcn dyko, turning her faco to tho corner and making a desnerato effort to climb up tho walL "Don't you soo him? Look out! He'll bito you!" "If you can tell his sox from whoro you stand, ho must bo closo by or dod Sastod big!" growled Mr. Spoopou yke, glaring around tho room and waving his cano on high. "Como down off th'o parapet of this castlo anil lead mo against tho onomv, will yoP or have I got to go out aud borrow a di rectory to linu him? Whero'd you seo any mouse, anyhow?" "Anyhow!" squealed Mrs. Spoopon dyke, looking around cautiously and then springing into a chair. "Call a policoman! Don't go near him! Wo'll all bo murdcrod lu our bods!" ? "Look here!" roared Mr. Spoopon dyke, who had addod a boot to nis ar mament. "Let mo smoll vour breath. What have you been drinking latelyP Going to give me somo adoquato idea of the haunts of that mouso? Whoro is he?" and Mr. Spoopcndyko whirlod around and smote rijjlit and left with I his implements. "Has ho got a door plato on hisresidence to iuuicato ^ hero I no lives? Guius to sit up in that chair like a frog on a float until that mouso issues cards to show whoro ho trans acts his business? If yo can't talk out his geography, point your: moasly lin ger at him, will ye?" "Can't you seo him?" gurglod Mrs. Spoopcndyko, to whoso distorted linag. ination tho mouso Oiled tho wholo room and lappod over. "Tlioro ho is! Ow w-w! Horo ho comcs! Thoro ho goos! Whe-o-o-o!" Mr. Spoopcndyko mado a lungo in tho direction indicated by his wifo's stony glaro of horror, got tho cano be tween nis logs and rollod tumultuously In tho closet. "Do I givo tho impression of having got him?" ho yolled, as ho lookod out and saw his wife sliding up tho back of tho chair, like a reversed avalanche. "Does the view from your mountain fastness appear to dotect tho crown of success on tho head of this campaign against that dod-gasted mouse? minor me twelve baskotsfor tho fragmonts! and Mr. Spoopcndyko bounded out of tho closot and fired his boot through tho mirror. "Got any moro mico anx ious to undergo tho brief oxcitomont of annihilation! Whoro?" "Thcro ho goes! Ho-o-o-o-o-c!" Inter rupted Mrs. Spoopcndyko, with a pro longed shriek. Mr. Spoopcndyko looked around him with dazed eyes and spied tho mouso for tho lirst time. "Whoop!" ho roared, as ho plunged for the corner. "What is this I soo bo foro me, with his tail toward mo? Now watch tho triumph of genius over tho activity of vermin!" and ho banged his hoad against tho wall as tho mouso dartod botween his foot. "IIo's climbing up tho chair! Tako him out! Scald him! Burglars!" pipod Mrs. Spoopcndyko, with hor knoos in her nock and her hair on ond. "What's tho matter up there?" de manded Mr. Spoopcndyko, wrenching himself into a sitting position and con templating his wifo with an expression scarcely indicative of admiration. "What ro you doing up thoro a thou sand foot abovo tho lovol of tho soa, anyway? Got somo kind of a notion that you'ro a ftmcy sunset, havon't youP Well, you don't? Hi, thoro! Got you now, havo I?" and ho mado. a divo under his wifo's chair aftor tho mouso. "Got somo kind of a scientific Improssion that his combination of mor cantilo Intelligence, known to tho bank as Spoopondyko, isn't to bo rolled on as a phonomonon in tho rolo of amateur rat trap, havon't youP" and Mr. Spoop ondyko gavo a vicious jab at tho mouso with a stick and found him stuok un der tho chair. "Is ho doadP" askod Mrs. Spoopon dyko, watching tho gyration of her hus band's limbs with pronouncod sollcl tudo. "Got up!" howled Mr. Spoopondyko, trying to oxtricuto himsolf. "Pull off this measly chair boforo I convort It In to tracts and begin to disseminate it among tho clamoring heathen! Hoar mo! Got?!" and with a mighty ofTort, Mr. Spoopondyko upset tho ohair, bringing his wifo down on him like a bunulo, whilo tho nvuMo wont up tho chimnoy. "That w.ittyo wantodP" ho domandod n? Mr". Sooopondyko strug glod to hor ifct :uui iookod around for tho foo. "T.ii.ik vou've accomplished your dod-g:?stod design on things? Got through with your onr'.hquftko, or was this only a rohoarsal?" "Did you hurt yi-iusolf, doar?" asked Mrs. Spoopondyko, still droading tho rnappoaranco of tho mouso. "You did Hplondidly. I roally think you havo soared him away for good." "Do, do yo?" grinnod Mr. Spoopon dyko, with a horribly pleasant expres sion of vhago. "Had timo sinco it hap pened to think it all ovor, haven't yo? With your celority of thought and abil ity to impart what you know, you only want a tin stair-case insido of you and a fire-fly in your fist to bo a dod-gastcd IJarthofdi Statue of monsly Liberty en lightening tho world! Tho next timo you soo a mouso nround theso promis es, you get up and sit on hirp until I got roady to commonco. You hoar?" And with this verbal letter of instruction, Mr. Spoopondyko projeotod himself in to his nlglit shirt and liLod himself away between tho shoots. "I don't caro," murmured Mrs. Spoopondyko, scrutinizing herself in tho glass and wondorlng If sho was too old to woar hor hair bangod. "I don't oaro. I know they bito, because if they didn't, how could thoy scaro folkn so? ' and pondering on tho Impregna bility of this argument, Mrs. Spoopon dyko pushed a tahlo Against tho chim ney, so tho mouso couldn't pot back Into tho room, and sank Into a blissful droam of tho Utopian porlods when tho backs of chairs would l?o made broad enough for women to walk on when threatened with invasion by tho proda tory rodont Stanley Huntley in Drake'? Traveller?' Magazine. First party?"Havo you any court plaster? ' Second party (a druggist) ? "No; but hero's somo sticking plas ter. You soe, wo havo no roynlfamily in this country, and consequently no court plasWir. If your finger is cut you will havo to tako a pioco of tho demo cratic artiolo or go somowhoro ol?o." ?Oil City lilizzard. THE CHINESE AHMY. A Motley Aggregation of Thtovos and DoBRiir#.?Un-unlformcd and Ill-Armod. A correspondent of tho Allgcmeine ZcUung gives tho following Recount of tho Chinoso army. Tho army is di vided into four categories?tho'landors or Putney, tho infantry or Yang-tzian Doj, tho cavalry or'Mma-Doj, tho artil lery or San-Doj. Tho Tsion-sing is a battalion of a thousand men?infantry ?subdivided into twenty companies of liftv mon each. Tho smallest fraction is called schanquan, and consists of ton men. under tho command of an inferior otlicer who receives as pay 6 shillings and 3 pence a mouth; tho commander re ceiving ?22 10s. A brigade consists of from tivo to ten of such battalions, and tho commander is paid ?31 7s (3d a month. In ordor to exist with such a nominal salary, both lower and higher class officers arc obliged to havo re course to oxnotions, and frequently to theft and violence. Tho Chincso sol dier is therefore a scourge to his coun try, and Is generally avoided. When the troops march or havo to bo quar tered, tho people look upon it as a ca lamity; towns and (jolds are indiscrim inately plundered, and the approach of the army is sufficient to put the inhab itants of a town to Uight, who carry with thorn all their portable proporty. Men who belong to tho enste of the Maudshu are regarded ns tho soldiers. Their maintenance is provided for by the emperor. Other castes can only enter tho army through influential rec ommendation. Tho physical condition of tho Mandshu soldiers is not much taken into account, so that thcro is an important average of the crippled and maimod in tho army. Great numbers aro absent on arbitrary leave, and thoroby tho effective strength is much reduced. Soldiers completely unlit for servico often roceivo an imperial per mit to bog. Tho Chinoso soldier is not bound to his Hag, nor by any oath of fidelity; in time of peace ho is at liberty to roturn homo. A regulation uniform scarcely exists. Tho military outlit principally consists of a sky-bluo wool en blouso trimmod with fur; on tho chest and back of this garment aro sewed two whito disks on which aro written tho words "soldior" or "artil lery." Tho rost of tho costume con sists of whito pantaloons, very wido and tied around tho calf of tho leg, silk shoos with thick card-board, soles, and in summer a broad brimmed straw hat, in winter a kind of turban. In this dress a Chinoso soldior can hardly bo distinguished from a civilian. Tho arms are in a worso state, China hav ing recently been ilooded with guns of all kinds, and there prevails a -most comical confusion with regard to cali ber and ammunition. Col. Kreitner, an Austrian well known from his trav els in China, says that one half tho Chiueso army is armed with the old fire-lock gun, three-fourths of tho oth er half with old poreussion guns of German,Knglish, American and French manufacture, and tho remaining fourth with modern brooch loaders. Tho aux iliary troops aro still armed with lances, bows and arrows and clubs. For a short period tho infantry were furnish ed with bayonets, but as many acci dents happened, tho awkward soldiers wounding each other in tho legs whilo practicing, tho dangerous weapon is now left safely at home. Tho artillery is no belter provided; the old umilled cannon are in tolerable condition, re quiring but little care, but tho Arm strong and Krupn gum are in a de plorable state. The eoinmander looks upon them as show pieces, anil only on great occasions is si shot tired against a target, the soldiers hissing and hoot ing whenever a miss occurs. The men who serve the gun are ill-taught and too numerous. Four clean tho pieco, six carry ammunition, two point the gun according to tho directions from an of licer, and commands nro issued in Kn glish, German or French, according to tho nationality of tho instructor. Tho barraoks nro shapoioss buildings, those in tho towns boaring the inscription, ?'Bcwaro! Koep off! Hero live sol diers." Thcro aro no proper regula tions. A fjun is fired in tho morning, but tho Chinoso soldior generally re fuses to bo disturbed, and only com moneos to drill in tho aftoruoon. Hatches of ten or fiftcon mon moss to gothor at tho hours most convenient to tnom. Officers who do not belong to tho Mandshu casto aro ranked below tho civil Borvants, having to pass an oxaminatlon, which is not required of tho others. Tho suuorior oflicors havo a bad namo. Tnoy impose ransoms and en oourago plunder, ofton appearing at parado in a tinsy stato, and, if in want, nometimos sell tho arms of a wholo company, which has then to go through tho oxorciso, using bamboo sticks. Tlio offloors go unarmod in tlrno of poaco. Discipline and order aro almost un known. Whilo raftrching tho soldiers ohooso what road suits thorn best, and It is soldom that fifty mon romain to Sothor. Tho arsenal near Shanghai is iroctod by a Gorman soldior named Brottsohnoidor, and producos about ton Romington rlfios a day. Ho Didn't Ilollovo It. A privato bankor in a town in Wis consin rocolvod a call a fow days ag? from a Btrangor, who doponltod $10, and thon turnod around and askod tho bankor for a loan of fifty. "Why, sir, I can't lond you any monoy, replied tho bankor. "I think you can. I'loaso tako timo for roflootion." "I don't want to refloct upon tho subject, Bir." "Would a run on this bank damago you $60 worth F" "Thoro will bo no run horo." "Sunposo thorn wns?" "It (? too too absurd to suppose, (lood day, sir." Tho stranger walked out doors, and tho bank closed for tho day. Ho on ontorod a grocery and stntod that ho was a depositor, and asked if the bank was sound. Ho ontorod a dry goods store and inquired if tho hard times might not pinch the bank. Ho on torod a drug store and offered his cor tlflcato of doposit for $T>. Ho met a lawyer and inquired if a reoeivor had boon appointed to look out for tho in terests of depositors. Next morning ho was at tho door of tho bank, gostl oulating and lamenting, nnd behind him wero Bovonty-fivo or eighty citi zens. Heforo noon tho bank was cloanod out and its doors closed, and an ox privtto hanker was skipping out to avoid being lynehod.? Wall Hlreet ( News. ^ "Our girls may havn largo foot," oxclaimod a St. IjOuIs hollo, wliile con versing with a Chicago damsol, "but wo aro not obliged to turn our toes In whon sitting for a photograph, In order that they may not appear in the plot uro." Chicago hasn't fllod 'ior reply yot ? Yonkcrt Statesman Till Ho Killed His P.tf. Lawyor V , who can toll a stoni as woll as any mau living, was urgeU to rolato ono of his exporiouces. "Well," said lie, "whoa I was a young man and had just passed my examination, and been admitted, 1 hadn't much money. I made up my mind to got to work ut once and nut to run in debt. The first question was, where should 1 hang out mv shingle? After r. good deal of consideration, 1 made up my jpind to visit the town ol S and see what chanco there was lor a young lawyer there. As I trudged ttlouir, I drew near to apparently the only hotel in the place. A man in his shirtsleeves was seated in t ho chair out side tho hotel. The chair was tilted against the wall, and the man was smoking a short pipe. " 'This is the hotel, I believe," 1 said. "'Yes,' said the man, blowing out a cloud of smoke. " 'Where can I find tho proprietor?' I asked. " 'I'm the man,' \vas tho answer. " 'Woll,' said I, 'I'm a young lawyer and I camo hero to sco whether there was an opening,' " '1 guess thcro is,' tho landlord j said: 'a lively voung follow that will j act square and not charge over much I will got along hero, I reckon.' " 'Glad to near it,' said I, adding, j 'I should want a ro?ni and board at a | moderate rate.' j " 'There's a room right upstairs on j tho first lloor.' naid the landlord; 'there , it is (pointing with his pipe to the win dow); go right upstairs and look at it.' "'But about tho price?' I asked. ' "'Go un anil look at it,' tho land lord said, and we'll talk about the prion afterward.' "1 went up and s.iw the room. It was small and Maiitiiy furnished, but | It would do. When I came down tho | landlord asked me how 1 liked it, and I I said it would suit. | " 'But how about tho price for room I and board?' I asked. " 'We'll settle that after you've got i fairly started,' said ho. "1 insisted, however, that it should bo settled at once, and at length tho landlord said, 'Will two dollars and a half a week meet your view?' You may bo sure it did, and the bargain was made. Well, I hung out my shingle and sat down at a small tablo spread with paper, a few law books and pen and ink to wait for clients. After wait ing two or three days, a knock camo to my door and 1 said, 'Come in.' Bus iness at last, 1 thought to myself. The door opened and a shock-headed, roughly clad mail entered. " 'Is tho lahver in?' he asked, in an unmistakable Irish brogue. " 'I'm tho man,' 1 said; 'come in and git down,' and I olVeivd a place on my trunk as I had not a second chair. Ho camo forward, sat tho edu'c of tho trunk, ami nervou-lv lingered his bat tered hat. Alter a few questions 1 found out what lie wanted and that ho had a good Case, and 1 told him so." " 'And what shall I have to pay you?' ho asked. " 'Never mind that now,' said I; ?we'll settle that when I've won your case for you.' " 'You ro moighty kind,' he said, 'and it makes mo liquid to ax yo a fa vor. Will yer honor In d im< loan of twinty-foivo cints till L kill fV" pigi1' "This might have d:?h?ar.i u> J soiac now beginners, but t didn't mo. ' J lent him tho twenty-?ivr oonis nnd \Vo'i his caso for him. 11* boc:uno a prov Ijerous man anil wa- ut/ r'ionl till tl>o ast, and brought ot sor i liouis to bye: ' Machine C ins in War*. The announcement that au Amorl can officcr has received no: mlaMo.i u* inspect tho British macnino gutM fit Woolwich has called attention to their advantages and disadvantages in war. A writer to the Pall Mull Uuzt'le, thus orltici.sc.* tho employment of maehino guns on tho Held of battle: "If tho rango in correct and the mark, remains steady great execution will be done, but tho slightest error will throw every bullet out, exeept at short range. Thus tho French found that their attempts with the mitrailleuse, even at such short distance as 1,200 yards, were per fectly futile, and that their new wea pon had not the slightest chanco against the field artillery of that time. Since then the Gorman Held artillery has moro than doubled its efliciency. Against their shrapnM thrown with tho present high velocities the metrailleuso would have less chance than ever. Tho reply of the German army to tho question, 'What is the place of tho machine gun in the Hold of battle?' has been, 'It has no plaeo, and what ever additional men and horses can bo given should be demoted to in creasing the lield artillery.' Ac cordingly machine guns havo not boon introduced for the field, but the lield artillery has boon largely in creased in proportion to tho other arms. Exactly the sumo course has boon pursued by the French and by ovory other great continental power. None have adopted machine guns for tho field; all have increased and'devel oped their field artillery. When wo romombor tliat France, Germany, A us- j trla, Turkey, Russia, havo all lately passod through the furnaco of war, j and had most of their crotchety dross burned out of them. their unanimous opinion ought surely to outweigh tho thoorctieal ideas of a few partisans who still ding to the notion of finding in the machine gun a weapon worth the cost of the men and horses re- I quired for its u>e. They admit that it cannot faee lield artillery at artillery ranges; that iti piojeetiles have no power whatever again>t the walls of (Hlildings or earthworks, but thev be lieve that, when two hostile bodies of infantry are closing, the machine guns can he brought from cover, where they havo remained till then, and will exer cise n great influence over the result of tho combat. No doubt they woidd in such a cam?, provided the infantry fight happened to be where they could go." Ifcultl?I'uIiiciw of OoiiiilrlcH. A clear example of the ease with which some writers may be misled by perfectly sound statistics is shown in tho following: I>r (luy, tho English statistician, calculated with reason that the actual mean nge at death, which is twenty-nine years in England, is only twenty years in America. A careless writer at once made up his mind that America was a very unhealthy place to live In, as compared with England, and it wns necessary to Inform him that tho mean ago at death depends upon tho proportion of old and young in a popu lation, and that this varies in dlflerent placos and In tho samo place at diHor ont times. It was also oxplained that tho moan ago of doath In useless as a test th^JM^MMMflAMfl^rados profos?^^^^^^^^^^^^t?ihution of WIT AN1) Hl'MOR. Shakspoarc said: There's good in everything." William had evidently never tackled a railroad restaurant turnover. The authoress of "S unebody's Scum ming When the Moon lYcps forth" wa< the daughter of a n.ght-cook in a restaurant. A doctor say-: "Ki.??iug is a purely American habit." 1a: us remember this, dear 1 rethren. an 1 i vcr" liberally pat:'1 ni/.o home industry. A perfect ru>h of Italian artists with their attendant original dudes is ex pected in America i:t a few days. Tho organ-grinders are to be banished from I'aris. Chinese try to smuggle opium into San Francisco by putting it into tho soles of their shoes. bo 1 a w Shall tho heathen ?x ' W^' % ? ! rise t? :>M '.V it k uw ibo.. A* Ujlrtti, #v ,vt? <*)..<? uken t u^ohntj. ftro thu 'jauf 'op* ajt'V Mel..,;- \.? pk'/pij.v, It is amusing to see a lady tak.0 out her face-powder, the morning after a ball, to sprinkle on her whito silk dres to cover tho mud that tho hackmau le:: on her train when he stepped on iu (>w!nj? to tho custom of having tin feet tightly bandaged when youn Chinese women do not havo to We their heels in tho middlo of their sho to m ;ke their pedal extremities Iook small. A timid young man has married :i lady whoso weight verges closely,upon -W pounds. "My dear," ho frt her, "shall 1 help you over tho "No," savs sho to him, "holt> thov fence!" When a servant says sho is dusvi'ij-a, * room, you know what she nicanit. She will take a feather-brush, and ixuiko tho dust llv from one. article of furni ture to another, without making i$iy tliing cleaner. A 18-year-old girl of Amherst, Ws., .? has only blue spots on her faco where her eyes should be. Wo havo seen such phenomena before, particularly after a Fourth of July, Christmas and oloctiuus. ? Tc.m.i Siffimjs. A gentleman of Milesian descent was overheard describing Colonel lngersoll as an "amethyst." This reminds ouo of the man who w Jto to his friend: "Dear John: I w.'.j mistaken. Ilo is not a Swcdenborgian. Ilo is a Norwe gian." An old gentleman of 81 and his bride, ngfd 7"J, entered a railway car the other day and took a seat by tho stove. A youth, occupying a seat behind, says he overheard tho following: Old gentle man to his bride: "Who1a a littlo lamb?" Bride: "15ofo of us." Just like mamma (rather a startler for fond parent, who is taking small eliihl out to tea). Small girl: "Oh! you haven't got my pinafore." Pa: "I cannot help that, dear; wu'ro lato al ready." Small girl: "Oh, dear me, it's sickening! You can never wait a min ute." A;> advertisement in a Now York JioWbp: p< r U at a wHmv will dispose of hot 1 n!e hit*F* .judical diploma give.*: -tli'in^tii to tho wsi.rUon thai UO'< ' .o<:\e and doctori^mtt^ go, but tho'i :.r'i lu-iil .. "U t* tiv <?<: or.ytii'wi^ 0. *?"tao.noy vvill rio^ bi y'J ?? ? .. A yoi. ig theol???'ich! studonVjn ? nigton applied fot ami reeoivoit'JC tm tho I iborciis' lull. Ilo wa?i to *lo aon.'S scrubbing, but rofi.iod, on*'* tho gi\> i id that ;he ouly wanted tfoptt'6 plaer where he \YO?:Ul hftvo notlilli^.w do but "support tho eoastltutioiv,*i and draw his pay. Tho Hartford Times denounces our old and esteemed friend eodlish as a "worm-eaten fraud of tho briny deep." When an American thus turns upon his nativo fodder, can wo blamo His marck for turning his back upon tho curly-tailed darling of Western fashion? ?N. Y. Com. Adxu rliscr. "Have, you been n\ueh out this Reason?" asked young West of young Crimsonbeak at tho club tho other ovening. "Well. I should say I had," rap lieu tho young blood addressed, earnestly; "I took that littlo Miss I$an ferhar out to a hall tins other night and was out just $40!"? Yonkcr Stales' man. A gentleman who observed Jimmlo carefully taking tho census of n com pany assembled in tlio parlor awaiting n call to supper, inquired; "Why," re plied tho urchin, with a troubled air, "hcru's uino of us, counting mo, and mamma has gone and cut two pics into quarters, and that only makos eight piccos." A woman who invaded West Bend, Wis., and claimed to bo tho propriotor of tho town and tho wholo country, was declared to ho cra/.y and taken caro of by the town olbcials. This furnishos a precedent for locking up tho railroad men who labor under tho delusion that they own tho oarth.? Ho:.ton (Ilobe. "J'a, am I a colonol?" asked littlo Annie Wallace tho othor evening. "Why, no, my daughter. What makes yon ask that?" "Why, 'cause Ella Hughes, from Cincinnati, what's visit, in' next door, told mo yesterday I was a colonel, 'causo I wns born in Ken tucky." "That, daughter, is Ohio ignorance. I am the only colonel in this family." Kr.ntncki/ Stair. Journal. When the high-school girl went to Tidiouto to spend a week at Thanks giving alio wrote a letter to Amy which nearly drove that young lady wild in tho effort to ascertain her meaning. It began: "Mv visual organs were de lighted to trace tho inanimate lines of your chlrogranhy over tho folioic sur face." Amy is still quite sick. Happy thought: Ambitious wife of his lordly bosom: "I wish you'd go on a starring tour in America, my love, and take the choir with you. It would bo kucIi a success. There's no choir can touch ours, you know and you'ro quite the handsomest, of tho English biwhops!" I'unr/i's Alttvitui*-. A few days ago a teacher in one of our up town public schools was exer cising her class in definition of words and Die writing o' sentences. "De ceitful," she said, "means false-;" and she told one. of her scholars, a tow headed boy, to write on his slate a sen tence with "deceitful" in it. Ho scratched Ins cranium, looked at. tho ceiling, and then t\ni his pencil over the slate. "Read what 3011 have writ ten," said the teacher. "My ma has deceitful teeth," was what he read. Tho teacher laughed, and the boys laughed, and they laughed so long that it was time to go homo boforo thoy ovorod.