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r m > ^^.-^iaia F ? I ? ? ? ? Hi ^rBT ? * - * ? ? ?,/?* ; 1 .U- ffiW^ '?'! ' ?^flv?W*9 , ? 1 . y" ,4 *?" 1 ? '.??. ? - . . '??' -??'?, i''?*'*.? * ) ' ,'?>/?? '? ?; ,w* ; . " v k.yfc ? =rr= ? ? ?1 ? ? ? FRApK P- BEABD, Publisher. . BE JXTST AND FEAE NOT. ? TWO dollars A YEAR. VOL. X. . CAMDEN, KERSHAW COUNTY, S. C., THURSDAY, AUGUST 16, 1863. NO. 47. Hewfjow ^ajette. TIIE PEOPLE'S PAPER. rUBLMIUD AT OAMDBIV, ?. C. FRANK P. BEARD. Publisher To Correspondent*. AU coBButMtloni for this paper abo?U be ac companied by the name of the author, eot aecee* wtljr for publication, but u on evidence of good ffcltto on the pert of the writer. Write only on one ?Ideofthepepcr. De particularlycerefnlln gltlng ?etoee end dales to ha?e the lvttere plain and Ut? J mmmrnrn+mmm The Gazette ob Printing Office li hittir prepared than an jr other o?ei la to execute I n the meat attract! vaMyiM vrw? < tlou o( Job Printing, ?uch m Pimihlttf. Hill HmU?, Letter and XoU Head*. Law MA IVoftrs lK*l#er?, circular*. Hand Bills, Vial (lug and Addraaa C*?"d?, Viu)??aCM^ ] Av. Work dona In Hronie, Ked, Blue and! The public uuit remember that the baat la al?ra/4 the cheapest. We do work at Charleston Prlc??, and pwntw entire MtUfacttoa to our patron*. ' We keep constantly on hand the Wf*?t itock a* toper* and Oarda In town. THE . DELIOHTED DUDE. I am the swell of the upper " crawl," Slim and tall, With a " leaning fnH."' My c!ctl.o. fit :.ch n.i .11 a?c:cd wall, You oonld pick me out of a thousand. My dainty, namby-pamby grace, Sphinx-like face, And mincing pneo Remove me far from tho human raco. That you see by the humlrod thousand. The secret of my stylo unique, Appearance nleek, Distinque chcok, My modiste could tell, but will not apeak, For she makos on me a few thousand. At matinees I'm always thero Among the fair, Who at me stAre, Admiring my Montgomery hair, They worship me by the thousand. I quite despiso tho rough, rude prosft Who mock my dross, Bat don't distrojs: I'm just the riddle they cannot guoss, Mo, not onco in a thousand. But best of all, few can intrude Upon our brood, _For we exclude Every fellow that's not a dndo, And ho is 0110 in a thousand. ?\cw York Morning Journal. MEG'S ADVICE. It wrb the day aft >r tho party, and can any day bo inoro utterly wretched? 1 mean, of course, to the people who have given tho party?especially when, like my uncle and aunt, they are of quiet-going habits and moderate means, and must lit their guests dance in the dining-room ar.d have suppc r in tho biggest bod room. It was tha day after tho party, and ?very individual in tho house was mis erable. The days beforothe patty had not been remarkable for comfort, but they at least had been tinged with tbo radiance of hopo and bright anticipa tion, while now nothing remained but "dregs and bitterness,"/and to clear away and to get the house in order again. This would have seemed rather a dreary (ask In any circumstances, I dar? nay; l.ut it wai greatly aggra vated by the fact that wo were all in very low spirits, or to put it honestly, in dreadfully bad tempers, having each and all a special grlovanco of our own. My uncle's household consisted of himself and my aunt, Mr. and Mrs. Gilbco, thoir two sons, Christopher and Peter, their two daughters, Lottio and Sophy, and myself, Meg Merton, the orphan daughtor of my aunt's only sister. My mother had died when I was eight years old, and my fathor, whoseliabl's wero by no means of a dcm?stlc kind, Bent me to school, and allowed me to spond all my holidays at ray aunt's, and when ho dioi and my schooldays were over, my temporary home becaino a permanent <ne. This camo to pass quite natura'ly, and was taken as a m it'or of euurrfo by my kindhearted cousins ; and Aunt Char lotte, who l a I always regarded mo as one of hrr own children, never seumed to supposo that she was conferring any particular favor upon me by giving me a hapny homo among them all. But I apprecia'od it, and ondeavorod to prove my gratltudo in every way pos sible. I was o dor than Lottio and Sophy and loft school beforo they did, and I becaino vory useful in tho hou 0. Aunt Charh.tto was of a nervous, timid nature, and as I happened to h i solf-possessed and coil and decided Bhe soon cam/> to ro'y ontirely on my judgment and onorgy, and in a year or two I was housekeeper-in chief, and my advica was asked and pretty gen erally taken on matters both small anil great; indeori, "Meg's advice" became frovcrblal in the household. Naturally grew a little dictatorial, for I often wondered what they could have dono without me. Chris was tho only ono I oould not mannge. " Bully tho otlu rs as much as you like, 'he would say, "but you shall never bully me;" and somohow or other I never felt inclined to try. "Tiffs" occurred among us now and then; but, on tho whole, we were a happy family until tho day after tho party, when, as I havo said, we wero eaoh and all miserable. My unole was confined to his room with a bilious at taok. My aunt lookod vory haggard when sho first camo down In the morn ing, and said her head achod badly; and her appearance did not brighten as she and 1 investigated tho state of the orookory. " I shall never give a party again," she said, quiotly, but it was the quiet ness of despair. " Nine glasses broken and three 01 the bost ohina plates, and a great stain on tho drawing-room oar pet ! We might havo been ontertalning a set of barbarians I" Christopher and Peter, usually tho j. most affectionate of brothers, wero now not on speaking terms with each ?y\ other, as my aunt and I discovered at breakfast-time; and, instead of going to business together, Peter lingered until Chris had goho, and then started about flvo minutes afterward. This unfriendliness arose, as I well knew, , beoauseof a styllBh disagreeable city belle, whom somo friends of ours had brought with them to tho party, and who had flirted desperately, but with maddening impartiality, with both my deluded cousins. 1 fence their ooldness toward each other this morning. As for Lottie and Sophy, I wished, before the day was out, that they wore not on ?peaking terms, for they wero nagging eaoh other all tho tinfio, and finished Just before dinner with a downright spiteful quarrel; and Aunt Charlotte ?fled. Their grievance was about two brother.*, Tom and Harry Nowlll; for Lottie liked Marry best and Sophy liked Torn; and with the usual contra riness of mankind, Harry was des perately in lov? with Sophy and Tom ; with Lottie; so it was usual, after ?very merrymaking wo might have, for Lottie and Sophy to fall out about them. I felt vsxeri with everybody} but I think J was quit? justified in so, for they would all persist In log -or saying that they believed ?that I was in love with ridiculous John Howarth, Just because he hap pened to be in love with me, and took care that every ono should know he was, too. I did think some of them at least might have had mora sense. And now this fine city belle had appeared on Die soene?oh, I felt tempts* to break another best china plate and all the roinaining glasses as I thought about it. And, ir aunt had only known the state of mind I was in, the would never have trusted me to wash them up and put them away. Even our Newfoundland dog seemed to share the general dissatisfaction, and kept com ing from his kennel as far as his chain would permit, and uttering long and dismal howls. The cook said that it was the sign of a death; but the house maid persisted that it foretold a wed ding. I did not feel as if 1 cared much which it wai or what happened?only I think I felt more inclined for a fune ral than a wedding, especially if tho wedding entailed a breakfast and?an other party. My aunt and I had been upas early as usual thU morning?we had too much to do to 1 e able ^ lie in bed. Chris and Peter of course wanted their .breakfast at tlio usual hour, and their luncheons?which they always took with them and ate in a little back room at the olfice?put up ; and then, when they had otarted for business, we com menced our dismal investigations through the house. We :Uways dined at 6 o'clock, and it was nearly that hou* before wo had succeeded in re ducing the houso to anything like order. Then Lottie and Sophy had their quair*l, in the midst of which Chris and Peter arrived, and we went to dinner. Chris folded his arms and put on a dogged and determined look as he took his place at the table. ? " I breakfasted off cold fowl," ho said gloomily?" I lunched off cold fowl?I refuse to dine off it." My aunt grew tearful again. " This is not cold fowl," Bho an swered. " It is turkey, and you might tat it. Cold beef will keep a day or two?fowls and turkeys, with pauco ovor them, will not. But"?turning to mo resignedly?" ring for the beef to to brought in, Meg ; wo have had enough unpleasantness for ono day." " How is it there Is a whole turkey left ?" inquiro I Chris, somewhat molli fied as the beef appeared. "It was Meg's fault," replied Aunt Charlotte. ?? She put it on that dark shelf bohlnd tho callar door, and I found it thcro this morning quite for gotten. Hut I wonder, Meg, you did not notico that there were only two turkeys at supper; this would havo been eaten if it had beon there." " I did not have any suppor," I said, " for I thought there would not b3 room." "That is merely an excuse," inter posed Lottie ; " you woro spooning with John llowarth in tho conserva tory all supper-time." I meant to i iok defiant, but 1 may havo looked guilty. "I)il ho propose to you?" asked Sophy, staring at me. "I wiW^pjitji.stop-ta-this nonsense about .John llowarth," I said doter mlnedly. "Youshall a'l know exactly how tho case st:inds, and then there will bo no excuso for any further dis play of stale wit at our expense. As Sophy suppcso.% Mr. Howarth did pro pose to mo last night." "Oh, Chris," interrupted Lottie, "how coul I you hit my cat in such a savago way? Come hero, Tip?poor pussy P "You sliould teach your cat not to stick bin claws into one's log at dinner time," retorted Chris; "thon he wouldn't get hit." , " Ho "was not touching you 1" re turned Lottie, warmly. "Ho was beg ging quite inoffensively." " Ho was sticking his claws into my leg," roltorated Chris, with quiet and most aggravating obstinacy. " Now don't you two begin quarrel ing," said Sophy, Impatiently, "but let Meg tell ub al>out John llowarth. I havo often road about proposals in tales but I havo nover heard of a real bona fldo ono desorlbed. .Do tell us every word ho said, Meg." " i)id he go down upon his knoes?" asked Chris. "For if he did 1 wish I had been there to seo him." "J shall not toll you whethor he werit down on his knees or not," I an swer? 1, calmly; "nor shall I tell you what h3 said. But," I added, with sentimen'al meditation, "he said some very nice things indeed to me?nicer than you could put togethor, Chris, if you tried for a hundred years." My aunt suddenly burst into tears. " This is tlio finishing blow," she said -r-"Meg going to bo married! I will nover glvo anothor party as long as I live! It was against my bettor judg ment that I yielded this time. I did It to pleaso you all, and this is the rosult ?furniture'ruined, eatables wasted, your father ill, you all quarreling like this, and Meg going to bo married 1 No, nover another party in this house," "What?not oven when Meg mar ries John Howarth?" sneered Chris. "No, not even then," replied aunt, redoubling her sobs. "Well, don't cry, auntie," I inter posed, "for I am not going to marry him. I gave him a very decided 'No. A Chris horo gavo a quick covert fiance in my direction, after which is assumption of perfect Indifference seemed to mo a trifle overaoted. But aunt refused to bo pacified; she had reached that stato of mind when troubles aro positively preferred to blessings. "Saying ' No' to Mr. Howarth will not buy a new drawing-room carpet," she said, ?*or eat up all the tarts and oustards and cakes. I am sure"? warming tb her subject?"tho wasto has been shameful! When the con fectioner's r..an came this morning, I had not a single cake or Jelly or blano mnngo to send back, for overy ono had been broken Into I And I saw you, Chris, take just a spoonful out of that expensive norcuplno, when a plainer cake already commenced was close bv you." "Oh, don't blame Chris for that, anntie I" I exclaimed. " It was done for Miss Jones, no doubt. If lie had the power, Chris would cut a bit off the Koh-l-Noor itsolf if she asked him." "I would,* said Chris; "she Is worth a hundred Koh-l-Noors." "Beallyl" observed Peter, aroused at last from the gloomy lethargy that had possessed him all dinner time, and addressing Chris. " What a pity sho i not regard you In the saino light 1 I told mo last night bow tho hatod dancing -with you, saying that you were so clumsy you wore constantly getting your feet on her dress." "Indeed 1" retorted Chris. "She told me the very saine thing about you." " I don't believe it," said Peter. "Do you mean to say I am telling lies?" demanded Chris. " Another quarrel I" cr'ed my aunt. " Oh, dear, dear, what will be tho end of it all?" I "The end of it all ml^ht be pleasant enough," I replied with energy, "if only every one of you would disp'ay a lit tlo common-seme. I am out of pationce with you all!" "Well, Meg," said Lottie calmly, " you generally seem to comlder your self capable of setting the world to rights ; so can you set our little world straight ? It seems to me we are all miserable. What can you suggest to make us happy?" " Common-sense," I repeated?" only common-sense. Take my advice, and peace will be restored at once." "Let us have it then," said my aunt querulously. " Oh, let us have 'Meg's advice ' at once ! " sneered Chris again. " How is it we have not thought of this pan acea earlier ? " " I will commence with my uncle," I began, firmly. " Let him?at least make him?see the doctor to-night and he will be better before morning." " That is good advico enough," said aunt, "and I will te'l him." "As for you,, aunt?go to bod at once and forget your worries. We will start a subscription list for you, which I will head with fivo shillings; and if the others give with equal liberality, according to their means, you will be able to replace all the broken crockery and have the white heurth-rug cleaned also." " That is good advice too, and I will do my part by going to b d immedi ately," said aunt, meekly. " I am 1 much obliged to you, Meg." "As for you, Peter," I continued, severely, " I think instead of quarrel ing with Chris about Miss Jones, you had better turn your attention nearer liora?. I know poor little Kittle Rey nolds would nearly cry hor eyes out when sho got home last night, or rather this morning," " You know moro than I do thon," I returned Peter. " Yes, I do ; for I am in Kitty's con fidence, and you are not; and I know what Kitty said to me when she was going home, and you do not. And my advico to you, Peter, is, mako it up with Kitty, and leave Miss Jones for those who want her." "Capital advico! Hut I never asked you for it, you see; so I don't consider j myself bound to take it;" and he wont on eating tarts. "And now, girls," I continued,look ing at Lottio ami Sophy, "make up your minds to the inevitablo and change, lovers. ? TUoy aro twins, and so much alike that you cannot always tell which is which ; and I think it must be merely contrariness in you two to pretend you like either ono bet ,ter than tho other; and"?with just a careless glance at Chris?"contrariness nevor pays in tha ond. So take my advice, transfer your affections quietly and say no more about it." Then I helj ed myself to some b'.anc mange, and wont on eating my din ner. "Put you have forgo'ten mo," ob served Chris; "pray liavo you no advico for me?'' I hesitated a moment, then looked at him defiantly. "Well," I said, "I think tho advice I havo given Peter might also apply to you; instead of making yourself ridic ulous about Miss Jones, I think you might find somo ono to admiro nearer home." Then, owing to Peter's delighted "Bravo, Meg I" and Chris' steady stare, I had a sensation that I had never ex perienced in all my solf-possesse;! life before?I think it was embarrassment ?and I roso hastily from the table and left the room, presumably to see "why that dog howlod so." And Chris must havo felt curious on tho point too, for he also left the table and fol lowed me to Nero's konnel. When wo camo in again Peter was standing in the hall with his top coat on, brushing his hat very carefully. " Why, Peter," I exclaimed, "where are you going? I should have thought you would havo been moro inolined for bed than a walk. Whero are you g< ing ?" Peter looked nt us with a ourlous mixture of dofinnco and sheopishness In his expression. "I ain going toseoFrank Reynolds," he said. "IIo told mo last night that he has a little torrior he thinks I shall like, and he said he would let ino have it oheap ; so I am going to look at It." "But," remarked Chris, pitilessly, "you know that Frank ha* gone away from home to day, and won't be back until Monday; and your journey will be utterly fruitless, will it not, if you find only Kitty in?" "Ishalltseo the terrier," muttered Peter, putting on his hat, "and shall leave word whether I will havo him or not." " Oh, I havo no doubt it will bo all right," I remarked, with an innocent air. Peter looked at me, and thon said: "What was the matter with Nero?" "Oh?his chain?I think?his col lar I" I stammered, taken aback by tho suddenness of his question, and ending by an appealing jjlance at Chris. "Never mind, nover mind!" oried Peter, waving his hands. "As you said, Meg, I havo no doubt it will bo all right; It's leap year, you know, and Chris has only acted as any other man?" Horo Peter darted through the hall door and slammed it after htm, othorwlso tho hat brush would havo struck him. ' When Chris and I entorod the dlnlng room aunt was thore. " Your uncle has Just seon the doc tor," smiling a little as sho kissed me before saying good-night; "and, If any of tho others have been as roady to act upon your advice, you can let us know In tho morning. I think wo aro all ready for bod to night." " I shall have to sit up for Peter," said Chrln. " Ono of the servants can do that," ?aid aunt, > " No, the* aro all tired out/' an swer*! Chrto; " and I shall like to alt up Just to see poor Peter's bewllder derment when I ask him what is the color of his terrlor." M Oh. ho won't bo bewildered at all! I put in. " He'll answer in all sim plicity,1 Plum color' or ? Navy blue, and thon wondor why you look sur ^ When aunt had retired, I noticed that Lottie anil Sophy were busy <Jo'n8 something to their photograph al? bums, aud, observing them quietly, I saw them oxciiunge two photographs. I said nothing ; but when we all went upstairs together they wero merrier than usual, ami quits friendly again. Thui the day began so dismally ended right happily; and its results wero happier still?for Peter and Kitty are married and happy now ; Lottie and Sophy are whispering together about a forthcoming "double wel* ding and Chris?having also conde scended to tako "Meg's advice" for once?has a wife who worships the very ground lie treads on--and he de serves it, too. 1 ? A Hell-Rtnglug Hoy. " I would like to ring that boll. Say, won't you let me ring that bell? That must bo a fino-soun!lng bell. 111 give you fifty cents if you let me ring that bell." The speaker was a mild-eyed young fellow with an Innocent look upon his face that Inspired confidence at the first sight. Ho was a Boston boy, and was in Waterloo, Canada, with only fifty cents in Ills pocket. hadn't had any breakfast or dinner, and when he offered Charley Hall, the proprietor of the hotel, fifty cents for the privilege of ringing tlio huge dinner-bell that set In the office, ho was playing for a Charley, gave the youth a casual g'ance, "sized him up' as a "fresh, and then told him he could ring the bell as long as ho wished to for fifty cents. , 4, The young man laid down his last fifty cents, seized the bell and began a vigorous ringing. As It happened to be about the dinner hour, the proprietor thought this a good joke. In through the parlors, out upon the veranda and oven up into the chambers sounded the olang of the bell. The guests soon became annoyed and thon oxasperated. " What in the deuco have you got that boll ringing for ?' asked one. " Tie a ropo to that calf rfbd haul him in," said another. "If you don't put a stop to that blame naisanoe wo'U quit your house," said a third. Tho landlord, thoroughly bewildered, both by the ringing of the bell and the complaints of the guests, went out to the fellow and said: " Come, haven't you rung that b. li long enough ? The guests aro all complaining about It." ?? Rung it long onough? Bless you, I haven't hardly b' gun-yet What do you suppose 1 paid you the last fifty cents that I had in tho world for? Long enough? Pshaw I You must bo cra7.y, man. Just listen to that bell. Ain't that a splendid sounding bell? What a magnificent bell I Listen to tho fine tone of that bell, man, and then tlilnk how you could ask me to stop ringing that bell. I'd rather ring this bell than eat my dinner. Don't keep botheiing mo; lot me attend to this bell." liy th(s tiino tho attention of tho town oftlcers was attracted to the mat tor, and tho landlord was told lie must discontinue the ringing of the bell. "Condemn it," said tho now thor oughly exasperated landlord, " I'm not ringing tho bell." " Well, you must stop it, no matter who it is that's ringing it." To the bell-ringer again went the annoyed landlord and repeated his re quest, this t mo a little more severely. " I want yi.u to let up on this business. You have mado noteo enough, and I think It's time to stop. Do you want to alarm tho wholo country?" *' Just listen to that bell; ain't that a daisy bell ? That is the best bell I think I ever heard. Where did you got this bell ? Oh 1 it's splendid 1 Say, just lkten to this bell. What an ex ceptionally fine sounding-bell. What wul you take f(.r that bell ?" "The question ain't what I'll take for the bell, but what you'll tako to let | up," said the excited landlord. " Well, I don't know that I caro to stop, but ain't that a fine-sounding bell?if it's all the ?amo to you, about ton dollars, I /link, would be about right." " I won't give you tvn dollars, but I'll tell you what I will do ; I'll give you five dollars and the best dinner you evor had if you'll stop right where you are." " Agreed ; lot's have your five dol lars. Thanks. Now we'll go to dinner," and in a fow minutes the ravenous youth from the "Hub" was putting away roast beef and chicken salad at a marvolously rapid rate.? Boston Globe. The Roanon Why. Tho original of tho following quaint nrticio was recently found in an ol<l tower in the very anclont town of Cheater, England. It waft among a lot of old books, papers and diversified rubbish that bad just been unrarthed by some repairs that wero being made Upon the building : Tim "bkason win." Mr, A drinks beoause his doctor reoom mendft him to " take a llttlo." Mr. B because his doctor order* him noi to drink, and ho hates quackery. Mr. 0 teken a drop bi?an*e he's vr?t. Mr. D because hefs dry. Mr. K beoause ho feels something rifting. Mr. F beoause he feels a sinking. Mr. G because he went to see n friend ofT to America. Mr. H baoaui e ho's got n friend jnnt oome from Australia. Mr. J because he's ho warm in tho even* Ing. Mr. K beoauso he's eo cold in Iho mom ins. Mr. h because he hss a psin in hie head. Mr. M because he has n pain in hie Hide. Mr. N beoanse he has a pain in his bank. Mr. 0 because he hat a pain in hi* chest. Mr. 1> because ho has pains ell over him. Mr. Q >>ornimohe feels ho li|(htand happy. Mr. K beoaune he feein ho henry and miser able. Mr. H baeause he's married. ? Mr. T because he isn't. M*. V beoause he likoito see hiH friends. Mr. W beoause he's ?<>t no friond*. Mr. X beoanse his nnoleleft him a legaoy. Mr. Y beoause his sunt out him off with a shilling. Mr. Z because ha want to Llandudno yea terdsy. (Llandudno refers toa neighboring town that long, long ago was a famous *%? sort for merry-making, eto.) Tho great American dessert?Pi*? W* HUMOROUS SKETCHES. ? Tbr One llo Didn't Take. " James 1" " Yes, pa." "There wero seven California pears in thaf, cupboard. Six of them are gone. Do you know anything ubout *it?" " I never took one tf them." " Sure?" " Certain, pa. "Wish I may die, if?" "You wicked, bad boy; liow ol'lon have I told you never to use such an .expression? Hero comes pin; let us see if she knows anything about it." | Mamma says she taw James take at least live of thein. " You little rascal! IIow dare you tell n.e yoxi never took 0110, and here's only this little ono with the grub-eaten side left?" "Oh, pa, don't hit me. I said 1 didn't take ono of thorn?and?and? and that's the one I didn't take." 1'a relentod. Nclonce 1'intntbe Way. Science has had a hard struggle, said Brother Gardner, at the Lime-Kiln club, but she am now top of do heap an' kin reward her frens an' forgive her enemies. IIow do wo know dat do alrth revolves on her axletrees, same as de wheels of a wagin? Sci ence has told us. How do wo know how to crors do oshun ? Scionco pints de way. IIow do wo know dat do great desert of Sft-hary was once an ocean ? Science has dug way down an' foun' clam shells and sharks' jaw bones. Widfut science we should bo a world widout overcoats in winter or Body water in summer. Wo should fall from harvest apple trees an' pick our selves up widout knowin' wholergrab itashun or agitashun. made us cum down instead of goln' up. We should see do moon, same as now, but some would say it was inhabited by mon keys an' odders would have an ideah dat it was a splendiferous locality for a persimmon grove. Do sun would rise an' sot an' warp the shingles on do roofs, but men would go round blufiin' fur bets dat she wasn't fifty miles away an' was hold in placo l>v wires.?De troit Free Prist. Tenting 11 Wltnesa. A lawyer had seen the story of the witness who was confident of his accurate notion of time, and was re quested to give his ideas of two minutos. A watch was held, and at the end of twenty seconds he declared that two minutes had elapsed. The lawyer resolved to try the ex periment on a sailor in tlio hospital, whose dopositi n ho was taking in regard to a collision, and the ' time which had elapsed after tho vessel loft tho wharf. Tho sailor answered, "about ten minutes." " Man," said the lawyt r, " how long do you think ton m'nutes to be?" "About ten minutes." Out came the lawyer's watch, as he said: "I'll tell you when to begin and you tell mo when tlio ton minutes are up." " Aye, nyo, sir," said the sailor. The lawyer sto id with his back to a mantel on which a little clock was facing tho sailor. After three minutes tho lawyer ex claimed, "See here, are you going to keep up horo all day? ' No answor. , Tho hand of tho clock was on the exact notch of ton minutes as tho sailor said, carelessly: "tiuoss tho timo mus' be about up." "Well," said the lawyer, "of all men, dying or all ye, that I ever saw you can measuro tlrno tho best." Topnoody. While Mr. Topnoody was taking breakfast the other morning he re marked to his wife: "My dear, this h my birthday." "Well," she answered, " it isn't your first one, is it?" "No, not exactly; but I thought I'd speak of It anyway, as a reminder, if you had anything to give mo commem orative of tho occasion." "I might givo you a piece of my mind for making me get up and build the kitchen Are this morning." " I don't think I want any. You've given me as much already as you can spare, I should think." "Don't get excited, Topnoody. May bo you can tell me what you'd Hko to have me give you ?" "Well, my dear, I can easily do that." "You think you can, do you?" "I know it, my dear; but I don't know whether you'd givo It to mo or not." "I cap If I want to, I reckon." " I don't know about that; you never have given it to me yet, and the novelty of tho gift, more than its in trinsic cash value, Is what prompts me to ask it." i ** Don't beat around the bush, Top noody; what is it?" < "Well, my dear, I'd like to havo you give me a rest." Before Topnoody could got out of the houso he was sorry ho had ever boon blessed with a birthday.? vhant-Traveler. * An KmbmrmMln* Poalllon. Years ago thero lived in tho 8tato of New York the two brothers Thurston. They were twins, and so closely rc sombled eaeh other in appearance and manner?oven the tones of their voicos wore alike?that fow could tell John from George. Their lovo for each other was as intonno as that which led David to pay of Jonathan: "Thy love to mo was wonderful, passing tho love of woman." In their callow days they were asso ciated with an incident that combined tho ludlcrousness of tho Two Dromlos with the pathos of ,Iohn Alden's courtship of Priscilla for Captain Standish. George was engaged to a young lady in a neighboring town, and made hts courting visits every Saturday night. It happened ono Saturday that ho was taken suddenly 111. In a spirit of rare self-forgetfnlness he asked his brother JohntotAkA hit place; John, for the fun of tho thing, readily consented, and promised to do his best. He was warmly received by the un suspecting girl, and tot a short time so managed to play his part as to remain undiscovered. But many little secrets Witt betweon enjtaaed couples, and <m? I such caused John's fall from his un warranted position. At last his future sister-in-law sur prised him with the question: " ]3y the way, George, have you got it?" "Got it?' " Yes; you know you promised to show it to me." " Oh,' yes I Well! never mind now. Some other time will do just as well." (Aside.) " When George gets mo into such a scrape again, he'll know it!' " lhit I want to see it now. You j promised!" " J)id IV I don't remember anything j about it." i " You don't? Well, I must say you i are the most careless, thoughtless?1 ' don't believe you love me a bit!" "Love you! I?" " Well, then, why don't you let mo read it? You've got it with you, you know you have." " Head itfl Must bo a book of somo kind," thought John. "The printer hadn't finished the proof sheets when I left the village," ho said, thinking a "white lie" no harm. " I'roof-shcets ! What do you moan? There's but one, is there?" " Well, I am in for it now. I'm get ting worso and worse. This comes of putting yoursolf in other folks' places," sightd John, as he wiped the perspira tion from his forehead. " Oh, George, I never thought you would deceive me so ! After all that has passed between us, too !" " Well, I must confess I don't know what you aro talking about." "You don't? Why, you know you promised to show me the wedding license the next time you came. I3ut" (this in a froe/.ing tone) " perhaps you would liko a release from the engage ment." This was too mu h for the simple hearted John. He roveale I his per sonality and obtained forgiveness, but it was a long time before the fair maiden would forgivo her lover for his cruol de ception. Th.i two brothers lived to bo old men. Their mutual affection lasted to the end of tfceir lives, for one survived the other only a few days. Eloolrlolty for a Horso. "About three weeks ago you had an item in your paper tell ng about anew scheme for curing balky horses. It was an electric battery to be placed in the buggy, with wiria running to the horse's bit, anil when tho horse balked the instructions were to touch a button with tho foot, when the electric cur rent would go to the hi rse's mouth, take his attention from his balkiness and ho would g<*t along all right. Do you remembor such an item ?' The editor scratched the bald spot on his head, looked wise and said he did remember something about it, and asked tho visitor if he had purchased a lattery and tried it. " Tried it!" said ho, as he picked up one of tho crutchos and llxo.l tho splints on his sprained arm. " Yes, sir, 1 tried it, and it is a wonder that I am spared to come in and maul you. I live out near Eagle, and havo got an old mare that has been balky off and on for sixteen years. I read about that battery, and sent to Chicago and got one and rigged it up in tho bottom of a wngon, and fixed tho wire in tho bit just as you said. Ono morning, about a week ago, I hitched up the old mare to take a fow cans of milk to tho cheese factory, and I was afraid sho wouldn't balk so I could euro her. Well, I got almost to tho cheese factory, and tho old mare balke I. I touched tho button with my foot, and I could see that the old in are got tho shock, becauso she stuck up her ears and shook her head. Just as I stepped on the button again, to givo her tlvo soeond doso, sho switched her tall around and caught tho wire, which was quite slack, and wound it around her tail about four times, and my foot was on tho button. Oh, how sho kicked. I forgot to take my foot off tho button, in tho excitement, and kept the electric current going, and tho air was full of heols and pieces of wagon, and inilk cans, and me. Sho seemed to havo tho strength of a hun dred horses, and it soeined to mo as if tho whole conveyance, horso and all, went over tho trees as though carried by a cyclone. I and tho wagon oamo down Hrst, and then it began to hall milk cans aod rain milk, and tho old mare stood thero with tho coppor wlro wound around hor tall, kicking and pawing milk cans, and tipping piocei of wagon on me. The dosb of tho cheese factory got mo by ono le,g and pulled mo out of tho wreok, and one of tho neighbrrs got hold of tho bat tery and pulled the wlro off from around the mare's tall, and she went to eating grass, and drinking somo of tho milk that hod collectod in a holo In tho road, and they got me homo and I havo been in bed evor filnoo till this morning. X oamo in on tho train to boo what you would give to settle. I d ?n't want to bo hard on any man that is struggling al ng to build up a business, but It does seem to mo thero ought to bo a responsibility somowhero for such outrages." Tho editor looked wifio somo more and finally told tho man that if ho had not paid a royalty for the uso of the electric balky horso persuader ho was liable to be arrested by a United States marshal and taken to New Jersey for trial on a charge, of infrlhgement on a patent, and that It would oost him thousands of dollars.?-/V/fc'# Nun. Mound and Color, Strange to say, In somo persons tho hearing of sound is attended by Konsa tlons or color. That it Is not so very rare 1s shown by tho fact that Ulouler and Lehman found Hvo hundrod and ninety-? Ix persona In (Jormany who had this peculiarity. A case of this kind has been recent published, and It Is stated that when a person speaking to tho " color-hearer, of a friend, said: " Ilave you remarked his voice? It is na pretty aa a yellow dog," the one addressed replied, In a very serious tone: " Not at all; hla voice Is red?* not yellow." In thla case each note of the musical soale caused a sensation of color, but the patient oould not assign' a particular color to each note, although he was a good musician. High notes cause brilliant colors, and )o?r, somber ones.?New York Hour, A Student's Mistake. True as the provorb is which asserts that "A good beginning makes a good ending," yet it doei not deny that, in exceptional cases, there may be a good ending to that which beg;in badly. An incident which occurred in a Western college illustrales the p ssible existence of these exceptional ca*es : A muscular young student named Ilenly entered th ? sonhomore class without taking the freeman course, and wjis therefore unacr.minted with the colhgu professors, lli measured six feet and five inches in his sto k* ings, and soon became a terror to tho unlucky freshmen who happened to encounter him. One winter morning as tho sopho mores were winding their way to reci tation along a narrow path shoveled in tho snow, t hoy met a party of fresh men, At once there began a tussle as to who should have the right of way. In the amusing fray Ilenly became prominent, picking up tho freshmen with either hand and Ussing them Into tho snowbanks. Tho last man of the lino of fresh men was a dapper little exquisito in a plug hat. Ilenly laughingly picked him up, and laying him over his kneo spanked him soundly, and then put him into the snow, hat fii>t. "What was his dismay, as ho entered the recitation-room, to learn that tho little exquisite was Mr. Taylor, tho Greek professor! lie sought counsel from his intimat" friends, and they de termined to go with him to tho profes sor and beg pardon for tho offense. At the close of the recitation they went to the professor's room, and Ilenly began to speak, when tho ludicrousnessof tho affair overcame him and in spite of his fear of tho professor and his desire for pardon ho laughed till he cried. With just indignation,Professor Tay la* demanded a t explanation. But tho li'tle man's wrath inly increased Ilenly's laughter, and at last the stu dent had to retire with tho apology unmade. As soon as he had recovered himself be was thoroughly frightened,and again sought Professor Taylor to explain his conduct. To his surprise, tho pro fessor not only forgave him, but bo came his best friend. It was said by the members of Ilenly's class, when he took Creek, that Professor Taylor, though the most impartial of teachers, had one favorite. The fellows also found it rather dangerous to speak dis paragingly ot Professor Taylor in Ilenly's presence. What Ik n (ientlcmau ? This is a qu.stion discussed by a recout issue of the I'all Mall Giu<t e. The be.it description of a gentleman that Truth litis over heard was given by Mr. Leonard Jerome when ho pre sent! d to Princeton college a prize to lo awarded each yc:ir by voto of the graduating class to the best "gentle man" of the class. Ala<! the endow ment for the prize after threo years of heait-burnings and j< alousies was returned to Mr. Jerome. Nothing of prizo now remains in that college for "the gentleman" save the pleasure ho experiences in really knowing that ho is one,and of finding the title impliedly awarded him by the conduct of others. Mr. Jerome de cribed agentloman to be ono in any wordly rank of life, whether plowboy or statesman, who continua'ly regulated his speech, bear ing and action so as, without injuring his own self-respect, to respect tho rights and feelings and to promote tho comfort and happiness of all with whom ho was brought into communication or contact. Under this description it will bo seen that eternal vigilance is tho prlco of gentlemanly excellence, as indeed, vigilance is of every virtuo and good trait.?New York Truth. V< getablo Greaso. Tho increasing scarcity of tallow of animal origin has attracted tho atten tion of candle and soap .manufacturers to a vegetable grease introduced into Europo toward 1848, and tho use of which is steadily growing in Franco and England. Tho tallow treo is of Chineso origin ; It grows -also in tho northwest of India, and hasbeon Intro duced into South Carolina, whero It has beon cultivated for ton \ears. It pro duces a fruit tho core of which is cov ered with a layer of thick tallow, and contains a yellowish aromatic oil, used In the samo country as a heating agent. After tho plucking, which takes placo in July In tho south and in October in tho north of China, hot *vator is pourod on thorn and tho grease Is skimmed off after getting cold with spoons; tho tallow, molded into tho form of bam boo canes, is directly brought Into com merce. Aphorisms from the Herman. Somo pooplo consider themselves blamed when they are not praised. It is vory hard to askfor what ought to be given us unasked. The school of lifo has no vacations. Of what worth is your pralso, if I do not ?eo that you can blamo? It Is not necessary to bo a great thinker to think greatly. Many a book has no misprint, but tho book itsolf is a misprint. It is only by tiro sun's light that you discovor his spots. The pessimist bollovos what ho feels, the optimist what ho hopas. If all that is real is transitory, and tho Ideal is immortal, thon the Ideal Is tho only reality. Victoria's Long Reign. Queon Victoria attained her sixty fourth birthday on tho 24th day of last May, an age which has bron exceeded by only cloven of tho sovereigns of England, dating from tho Norman conquest. On the 20th of Juno her majesty had relgnod over tho United Kingdom for forty-six years, a length which has been exceeded by threo of the kings of England only, viz.: Henry VI., wlioao ro:gn extended fifty-six years; Edward III., whose reign lasted flfty years, and (loorge III., whose reign extended to the long period of nearly sixty years, tho I'rinoo Consort having died on December 14, 1801. When Washington was Inaugurated as President In 1789 there were but seven postofllcis in the State of New York. Now the 8;ato contains con siderably over 8,000 or about 500 for one ninety-three years ago. THE BAOOAQE MAJf. With many it curve the trunks I pitch* With many a shoot and sally j At station, siding, oro sing, switch, On mountain grade or valley, 1 heave, I push, I sling, I toes, With vigorous enleavor, And men may smile and men grow oro?* But I sling my trunk forever I Ever ! ever ! I bust the trunk forevor J I grumble over traveling bags And monstrous sample cases \ But I can smash the ma ter's brags Like plaster Paris vases. Thoy holler, holler ns I go ; But they can't stop me neror, For they will loam ju->t what I know~ A trunk won't last foroverl Ever! nover! I tug, I jerk, I pant, I sweat, I I08i tho light valises ; And what's too big to throw, you bet I'll llro it round in pieces. They murmur, murmur, overywhero, But I will heed them never; Tho' women weep and strong men swear, I'll sling their trunks forevor 1 Evor! ever! I'll bust their trunks forevor ! HUMOROUS. The new Western weather prophet la proud of his name?Straw. lie Is sure ho can tell which way the wind will blow.?Jionton Courier. Some pooplo - aro nover satisfied. Show them how to live happily on a small income, and they will want you to furnish tho income.?Picayune. As soon its tho itch for office breaks out on a man ho begins to write let ters. It is h a method of bringing the Ipublic up to the scratch.?Picaytiue. "A Florida man has an alligator farm," says an exchange. 13y-and-bye this item will read ?? " A farm of alli gators lias a Florida man."?New York Commercial Jack Oldstock?"Wo're very proud of our ancestry you know." Tom Par venu?" Yes, I know ; but how would your ancestry feel about you?"?Har vard Lampoon. Some ono pays: "No thoroughly oc cupied man was evor miserable." How about the man occupied in fighting a dozen hornets which have got up his trousers ??Boston Post. Harper's lla.ar says a widow should be marriod in a bonnet. She would havo to be an exceedingly diminutive widow, for tho bonnets nowadays aro not big enough to marry a mouse In.? D rrick. Sinco it has becomo popular for girls to attend baseball matches they have picked up enough of the talk of tho gamo to speak of these lovers who go away at night at a reasonable hour as short stops.?Philadelphia Herald. A Pennsylvania man has applied for a pension because ho lost one tooth during the war. The fact thai-he ?nly lust ono tooth would seem to lndicato that ho never got near enough to the front to chew hard tack.?Philadel phia Ncrtt. ' Shingles were split by hailstones in Tennessee the other clay, and women who are obliged to split kindlings in tho morning aro thinking seriously of moving to Tennesseo where the ele ments aro moro considerate than thoughtless husbands.?Hartford Post. It is all well enough to say with tho poet that truth, wherover found, will draw forth homage from the puro heart; but just go and tell a woman onco that her llttlo boy is one of the dirtiest imps in town, and see how much homage you will draw from her heart, no matter how pure it may be. ?Puck. Lightning-Uoils. A committee, representing sovoral nocieties intorostol in tho subject, which was appointed some time ago to inquire into tho best mot hod of con structing and adjusting lightning-rods, has recently made a most valuable re port, based upon all tho information It was possiblo to procure. Inasmuch as sharp points, even if ma le of plati num, ar?> liable to bo melted and blunted, tho report rocommends that tho rod should preservo Its full diame* ter nonrly to tho oxtremity, and be mero'.y bovele I off To preserve tho sharp points for drawing off the silent discharges of eloctricity, the attach ment of a copper ring, bearing three or four needles of suitable size, at a distance of about <i foot below the ex trome top of tho rod, is suggested. Vanes, (inl ils and < ther ornamental iron work on tho upper part of a build ing, must 1 e metallically connected with tho conductor. A coronal, con sisting of a copper band, with stout copper points, oach a foot long, at in tervals of two or three feot on its cir cumference, is recommended for the chimneys of factories. Copper Is pre ferred to iron as tho inatorial for rods, chlofly because it is loss liable to be Injurod and ronderod inefficient by rust. The diamotor should bo thrco-elghths of nn inch for copper rods, half an inch for copper rope, and nine-tenths of an inch for iron rods. The rods should not be insulatod from tho build ing, but should bo attached to it by fastenings of tho samo metal as the rod Itself. A good enrth-connoctlon Is specially important. In towns, con nection with tho iron water and gas mains Is rocommended, but not with load pipes, because they are too liable to bo melted. As a general rule, the tower end of tho conductor should be soldered to a plato of the name metal as itsolf, having an aren of not less than a squaro yard, whilo the hole In which this nlato is sunk must be so dcop that tho earth surrounding the plate shall bo moist oven in the driest weathor. Drains and water-courses may bo utilized for koeping the plate in connection with a large extent of moist earth. It Is reco mmended that the height of tho rod he suoh that a cono having its vortox at the upper terminal, and Its sides sloping at fony ilvo degrees, s|?all inclose the whole building, or as much of It as this par ticular rod Is required to protect.? Popular Hclence Monthly. Among tho special features of the Munich electrlal exhibition was a ^iAnt telephone, which transmitted musio so ns to be audible to the entire audience in a large hall.