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SARGE Pl Sarg? Does Not HiiL Me and Brown like Christmas,, we like Thanksgiving, we like the Fourth of July and we would like St. Valen tines day if the oomio valentines oould bc suppressed. Wc bave ju?t been opening some 0f tho most hideous, warped-faced, out-of reason monstrosities that was tTer put upon paper. The things we have received are enough to make two ffeak old men commit suicide and we discussed doi Jg so, but we argued our selves into believing that it was pow erful unanimous for a joke. When wc were y^ang we used to get them 0f a very different tone to tho ones ?re receive now. We learned then tba thc sweet things the girls wrote us was only a joke and we heve griev ed much because they were a joke, but it is consoling now, for maybe these comic ones are a joke, too-thus ?rc reason and thus we were saved from suicide. Though we are considerably dis figured at the present writing, we live ju the hope that we may receive some sweet ones by the next mail. The day is too sweet a day to spend in making folks feel bad, and besides people may be m'stakea in the esti mate they put upon a fellow and he has no way of defending himself under the custom. If the ones I have received truly represent the feeling J folks toward me I know there is a great mistake. Most all that I have received deal with me as though I was a bard drinker-a drunkard. This n?pHs no dflfV?nflfl frn*21 ?DO?*Z?OI?g thcSC itrho know me, for these know that 1 bavc long since declared against the vile stuff. I used to take a little "for {the stomach's sake," but nota drop kan be gob down my throat now, not drop. I cannot account for this nistake of pee le thinking that I jrink, as indicated by thoBe oomio I valentines, in any other way than ;hat they mi?take me for Brown-we ook considerably alike sometimes and ihis may account for my having to sear thc stigma of drinking. There are other features of change ;hat have come over the spirit of St. Valentine's day. Onoe it was the cus tom for the young folks to meet and cis9 and mate off for a year on the norning of this sweet day. The CUB ;om gave privileges to young men ihat caused them to rise early and tir fast on that morning. Just think if a young man [being privileged to tiss the first girl he meets on this norning. Don't you think there fould be some active stirring now if ?hat was the privilege? Besides, the loople that met first on this morning ?ere mated for a year: they were weethearts till the next St. Valen ce's day, with privileges that no per fellow oould have for that fceriod. This made the early morning If the day lively and full of hustlers, Dd then, as it would be now, the iris were not caught and kissed by very fellow that came along, but 'ben the right fellow carno they were ?tty easily caught-you all know ow that is. It was generally arranged before Jiod who should meet one with anoth fi and this made it all the more pleas Qt and almost always ended in a mar age before the next St. Valentine's ay rolled around. After a day of io and frolio in the old timeo, the ight would usher in a good old-fash }?ed party that wound up by a kiss round among the mated /couples. >s was glorious and you all know ?? that was. . j These old customs are gone; these poocent privileges are no more. They 40n t write the sweet little verses l?y used to write," and the kissing puld not bu Innocent now. It takes !?ey now tc celebrate the day-it ikes money to do anything. Even vers now, with all their boast of regress and oulture, fail to write as ?a?g folks used to write from the Hness of their hearts; but they sail *y to tho store and pick out a valen De according to its money value as 16 gauge of their heart's feelings. I>e valentine that oosta the moat mon now the one that expresses the ?Pest affeotion. That is the idea tomeroia?ism. By many the happy day is past un pticed in the greed of business, .hera make it the oooasion for tho ??og out of the vials of their tb upon the poor old down-trod tuen like me and Brown through - medium of the comic valentine, takes no ability to reaoh whom you .jw reaoh through these oomio val llnes. A nickel spent for the things enough to vent your spleon to 'ge. Anybody ought to feel bad to d one of these comics-Brown tars he would be ashamed to send to Mr. Roosevelt or one of his 'ored guests. ^otae of our old valentines would haghod at now. but I can tell you LUNKETT. :e Comio Valentines. thai there is nothing ia the elegance of these store bought things that has such a touch of sincerity or the benti ment of hearts as were found in them. In this age of progress and learning it seems that the young people oould find an original and more sincere way in speaking tho feelings of their hearts than waB ever known before, but they don't, and I am bothered to know if it is because they are not half so smart as the age is claimed to be or is it be cause there is no such affection in existence. Anyhow, I am sure that | the prioe of a valentine is a poor way to estimate the affections of the heart. It used to be counted that the frrds carno with St. Valentino's day and they did, but they don't come much now-especially the blue birds, and there is preoious little mating among the birds unless it may be the Eng lish sparrows. I can well remember when the trees used to hang with birds' nests and when every hollow stump was oocupied by the pretty mated blue birds. They tell me that.) progress and the English sparrows have exterminated tho birds, but I don't know as this is correct, it would be easier for nie to believe that tho "pot hunters," who have neither Json timent nor thought of the future nor any knowledge that progress would acknowledge as belouging to it, are more responsible for the absence of the birds than anything else. It may be that, the birds beoame imbued with the idea? of what we call the "new I woman" und like these women had a contempt for the good old ways. The mother birds lost the cravings they once had, tired making nests and wearying with baby birds, and so wc have the decrease that is so much to be deplored, and sometimes I am afraid that the Anglo-Saxon race will be ex terminated upon thc same idea. It is distressing to know how mpoy human beings have come to dread" the build ing of nes*s and the worrying with babies. They tell me that Franoe is in a state of decay from this very blight and just in proportion as this natural and most affectionate- feeling departs comes the curse of sin and im morality. But old folks like me and Brown ought to find better employment than talking about valentines, or love, or the fall off in birds or children; but memories go with us all down to the grave, and are Bad or sweet according to the humor. The comic valentines we have received provoked us into comparing the old ways with the new, but it was not altogether for ourselves that we have taken a stand against the "comics." A sweet little girl of our settlement received a letter yes terday by the rural delivery. It was the first letter that she had ever received, and her face beamed with the happiest anticipations as she received it. . She had no thought of a valentine, but expect she was thinking of a young ster who had lately gone to Atlanta as she broke the seal and pulled the missive from the envelope. I am sure that it would be a heartless wretch who oould have seen that girl's face as the' ugly valentino was revealed and not be against the things. She ran away as quiokly as the oould and sev eral hours after I saw her and her eyes were red from crying. Sullivan, or Corbett, or Fitzsimmons, men like these, would oonsider it under tho belt to send these comic valentines; and yet there are those who oonsider these men close akin to brutes that indulge in venting their spleen or getting revenge by sending out comio valentines. It is a poor way to get revenge; it is not funny, and it takes no intelligence to do it. Little dago Bootblacks and street gamins might find a laugh in sending these things to one of their sort, but I fail to see how an intelligent person could in dulgo in such. I'm ergin 'em Brown's ergin 'em-^dogon 'em. Sarge Plunkett, in Atlanta Constitu tion. ' ... 9 Like Father, Like Son. A Washington man has a bright youngster who succeeded recently in getting even with his father in a very telling, though unconscious manner. His father was reproving the little fellow's table manners. The warning seemed to be lost, for the* fault was repeated. "Do you know what a pig is?" was the inquiry, put in a solemn manner. "Yes.sir." ' "What is it?" "A pig is a hog's little boy." The lesson in ettiquette was sus pended. OA. o T*e> H. I. Boara til? ^^Thi *ind You Hm AhnyS Bought Bignataro cf - The horse you g*4- a "sure tip' on is sure perhaps but eiow. Can Bain Water. The prevailiag coal famine has re vived the question of using water for fuel, and an inventor of this city an nounces that he has perfected a devioe whereby that ooveted objeot may be realized in every household. This tuan is John A. Montgomery, 78 years of age, a warm personal friend of the late Prof. Morse, and himself an in ventor of note. His inventions that have proved praotioal number about thirty, among them being the machine generally used for sticking pins in papers, a rail road ohair, from whioh oertain com panies have realized millions, and a telegraph switch, whioh he presented to Prof. Morse. Thirty-five years ago, when a stu dent of chemistry, Mr. Montgomery learned that perfeot heat is derived from the combvstion of one part of oxygen with two parts of hydrogen. Then he recalled that water is com posed principally of those two sub stances in the above proportion. Why, then, should water not be made to burn? he asked himself. For thirty-five years he has been trying, off and on, to construct a sim ple and practical apparatus for separ ating those two component elements in water and condensing them in form of combustible gas, and now, ho says, he has succeeded. More than that, he has demonstrated the feasibility of his invention to a number of his ifriends. >t Having invited a friend to his home the other evening, Mr. Montgomery led him to the sitting room. In the room was a -single heating stove. There was no fire in it, but instead a metal tube ourled out from under the grate and protruded as high as the stove, terminating in a funnel. Drawing a panful of water from the kitchen hydrant, the inventor began to pour it by the dipperful imc a fun nel. A whitii bla7.fi shot up fros the grate, produoing intense heat. The water burned perfeotly. "That is what may bo done in any stove when my invention is patent ed," observed Mr. Montgomery. He said he would take great pains to pre vent infringement on the patent, which he is about to apply for before .. utting the maohine on sale. He realized that only tho device is pat entable and not the principle, and for that reason fears that he may not get the protection from the Government that his long labor and study entitle him to. Recently Mr. Montgomery has been experimenting with dust from' the great culm banks of the anthracite region, and declares that, if the Gov ernment will proteot him, he will demonstrate that more heat can be obtained from a ton of culm than from a ton of chestnut coal. There are hundreds of thousands of tons of this dust near the breakers and it is now of no use to anyone. In burning water, or the water gases, no steam is made and no resi due left. The water may be supplied from a tr.nk near the stove, or in houses where there is running water a.tube may run from the stove to the hydrant.-Williamsport, Pa., Letter in Philadelphia Record. Cures Rheumatism and Catarrh.-Medi cino Sent! Free. Send no money-simply write and try Botanic Blood Balm at our ex Eense. Botanic Blood Balm (B.B.B) ills or destroys the poison in the blood whioh causes the awful aches in back and shoulder blades, shifting pains, difficulty in moving fingers, toes or legs, bone pains, swollen mus cles and joint'- f rheumatism, or the foul breath, hawking, spitting, drop pings in throat, bad hearing, specks flying before the eyes, all played out feeling of catarrh. Botanic Blood Balm ha3 oured hundreds of cases of 30 or 40 years standing after doctors, hot springs nod patent medicine a hau all failed. Most of these oured pa tients had taken Blood Balm as a last resort. It ia especially advised for ohronio, deep-seated oases. < Impossi ble for any one to suffer th'e agonies or symptoms of rheumatism ? r catarrh while or after taking Blood Laim. It makes the blood pure and rich, there by giving a healthy blood supply. Cures are permanent and not a patch ing up. Sold at drug stores, $1 per largo bottle. Sample of Blood Balm sect free and propaid, also special medical advioe by describing your trouble and writing Blood Balm Co., Atlanta, Ga. A personal trial of Blood ?T?alm is better than a thousand print d testimonials', so write at onoe. Sold D Anderson by Orr-Gray Drug Co. , Wilhitc & Wilhite and Evans Phar macy. _ . _ - A billion minutes have passed sinoe ChriBt was born. I do not know just when the billionth minute was passed, but it was during the year. And this item gives one a fair idea of a billion. For instance, if the great Steel Trust was to divide the dollars it stands for there would be a dollar and a half to squander during every minute of the Christian era. It makes the head swim to contemplate such figures. Stops Cough and Works off the Cold. Laxative Bromo-Quinine Tablets cure a cold in ono day. No Core, No Pay. Prioe 25 cents. - The ono unpardonable sin of a husband is to come home and find Lis wife with a now gown on and not no tice it with admiration. riaiiin ? ir-'- '~ . -*- ?. - ?. ^'w^.?. lien t Happen Often. It is generally conceded that tho in dividual who gets ahead^bf the "green goods" man can only do so by getting up early in the morning. Mr. B. F. Moore, of Yorkville, is an early riser. He is generally at his office along about daylight. Whether this faot has any thing to do with the subjeoi under onsideration will not be further ar gued just now; but it is ft fftQt thftt he is just fifty oeots ahead of the green goods people. Here is how it happen ed: Dr. A. Y. Cartwright, who lives across the way, was one of a half doz en Yorkville people who received green goods oirculars last week. Al most everybody knows what a green goods circular is. It starts out by telling the recipient that he is known to tho sender as a man who knows a good, thing when he meets it; that tho sender has been so fortunato as to se cure some government plates of the $1 silver certificate, and provided with silk woven paper in abundance, ia in a position to turn out currency which to all appearances is as good as the gen uine in unlimited quantities. Tho circular goes on to give instructions as to how the sender can bc communica ted with by telegraph or mail, and goes on to say that if the rcoipiont of the circular would moro thoroughly satisfy himself, all bc has to do is to mail 50 cents to the sender of the cir cular and get a Bample of bis money. Mr. Moore and Dr. Cartwright laid their heads together about the matter and decided to make a pretense of biting at the bait of tho green goods man by sending him 50 cents. By the mail of Wednesday they received a "sample," in the shape of a silver certificate for $1. Both gentlemen are more or less familiar with various kinds of paper currency and at first glance they found full confirmation of tueir original suspicions that the bill had been made by Uncle Sam in the regular way ?nd that it was genuine. They thoroughly enjoy the idea of hav ing beaten the green goods people out of a half dollar; but at tho same time they are not disposed to adviso any body to try a repetition cf the trans action. The green goods people are toorrnart to allow themselves to be caught a second time in the same lo cality, and it is probable that the next man who sends these people 50 cents for a sample will fail to hear anything more from his letter.-Yorkville En quirer. Badly Wanted. Sag Skidmore had been "sparkin" Susie Jane for nearly three years with out coming to the point. At last Su sie grew weary of waiting, says Har per's Magazine. "Sag," said she, "I want to know now.p'nt blank are yougoin to hev me or net?" . "W-e-11, I dun'no," Sag drawled "sometimes I think I will, 'en ag'an I think I won't." "Now, what do you see about me yo' don't like." "Well, I dun'no. Some say you're mite nearsighted." "Who sez that? Just tell mo who sez it." "Well, Lizy Hooper sez it.!.' "She does, does she? Eh,sheoain't see to thread a needle. Wy, I oould, see the eye of it plum out ter thet gate." "Well, it's getting purty dark, Susie Jane, eh yo'd hardly have a fair show in', but give me a needle en I'll jest try you." Sag moved slowly out to the gate and went through the motion of stick ing the needle in the top of the post. He stepped baok and hallowed: "All ready, Susie Jane." Susie Jane stood on the doorsteps. She bent forward, stooped right, then left, raised on her tip-toes, and ap peared tobe striving for a sight of the needle's eye. "Now, I jest kin deoern the light oomin' through," she said atlast. "Susie Jane," drawled Sag, coming forward, "there ain't no needle thar; but ef yo' want me bad enough to look through that pin I stuck in tho gate post, I reckon, by jings I'll have yo'." Happy Peter! A clergyman was sitting in his study one ?evening hard at work on thc fol lowing Sunday's sermon when a visi tor was announced, a wild-looking woman, and when tho minister set a chair for her she said somewhat brus quely: "You are Mr. J., ain't you?" "lam," replied the clergyman. "Well, maybe you'll remember o' marryin' a couple o' strangers at your ohuroh a month ago?" The clergyman referred to his diary for a moment and then said: "What were the names?" "Peter Simpson and Eliza Brown," roplied the woman, adding, "and I'm Eliza." "Are you, indeed?" said tho minis ter. "I thought I remem" "Yes," interrupted tho visitor. "I'm her, andi thought I'd drop^ and teil you that Peter's escaped!" London Answer*. - All women have a habit of loving just tho way all men have a habit of criticising tho government. Rescued from Suffering and Death by PAINE'S Celery Compound THE QREAT flEDICINE. MR. ALFRED BROWN, A Prominent nod Popular Citizen, Says: "After tho Usc of Paine's Celery Compound, 1 Am Now in thc Best of Health." The greatest ol modern physicians, Prof. Edward li. Phelps, M. 1)., LL. D., after years ol long practice and close scientific study, gave to suffering and diseased men and women his marvelous, life giving prescription, with the conviction and positive knowledge that it had peculiar virtues an.', ample powers to cure. Thousands of the strongest testimonials from the best known and most reliable men and women of our country fully sustain the claims made hy Dr. Phelps icgarding his incompar able Paine's Celery Compound. One of tlie most convincing proofs furnished, comes recently fi om a gentleman widely known in thc capital city of the Dominion ?if Canada. We leter to Mr. Allied Brown, 91 O'Connor St., Ottawa, Ont. Mr. Biown's letter fully demonstrates the fact that the grcalot sufferer may rust off Iiis or her beulen of disease and ! ?co nm" well, v : 1. ?11?, and happy. lt proyes, too, drat the great medicine main tains more fully than ever Kl.ne its unrivaled place in the estimation of people ol wealth and social standing as weil as willi the masses. Mr. Brown say: : - *'I acknowledge with thankfulness and pleasure the fact that I have been cured of a very painful illness of eight years' standing by use of Paine's Celery Compound. I liad, during the years of my illness, tried almost all the advertised medicines without deriving any good results. I was also treated by several of the liest doctors ?if this eily, hoping to find that one of them, at least, would understand my cast. 44 I was getting worse, and was told I was incurable. I was indeed in a ethical condi tion. I could mit go from the house alone, as I was liable to sudden collapse. I tried hospital treatment, but no relief or good results came to mc. I could not sleep; anything that I ate increased my agonies; I was extremely weak, restless, tired, ami despondent; WHS obliged to walk about with my hands pressed firmly into my left side to ease my pains; my feet and hands were cold continually: had inclination to vomit, had profuse, cold sweats, quick breathing, and would !/C- tacked with pain for hours at a lime. "After the regular usc of Paine's Celery Compound for a lime, I am now in the 1 est of health, have good appetite, and can use*any kind of food. Thank (ind I am my old self once more, all through die use of Paine's Celery Compound." FOR TWENTY YEARS DIAMOND DYES Imve been ttio stnndard liomo dyos. Every discov ery in dying lias tiecn utilized to improvo them. Today tiley mn tho simplest, slronitext, and mont reliable ot all dye? for humo uso. Direction book and 45 dyed ?amples free. Wo havo a special department of advice, and will answer freo any questions about dyeing. Send eamplo of gooda when possible DIAMOND DYKS, Burlington, Vt. "That's Not my Nigger." When Senator McLaurin, of Mis sissippi, was elected for thc first time he was visited by a negro in his dis trict who wanted a job in thc Govern ment printing office at Washington. The new Senator knew him to bo a ? good man, so he wrote to the publio printer, Mr. Benedict, asking that the man bo appointed. He told thc negro to meet him in Washington. When Mr. McLaurin arrived he went to Mr. Benedict's office to B?.e about another matter. The publio printer was talking to a large and im posing looking negro. He turned to greet the new Senator and, after ex changing a few words with him, said: "By the way, you wrote to mo rc comicending a negro for appointment, did you not?" Instantly it flashed into Mr. Mo Laurin's mind that the colored man sitting beside Mr. Benedict had in some way obtained possession of his man's introduction card and palmed himself off as the candidate. Point ing an accusing finger at the man ho said: "Yes; but that's not my niggerl" A panic-stricken look shot into Mr. Benedict's face and he oolored vio lently. Leading Mr. McLaurin aside by the buttonhole ho whispered in the Senator's ear: "Sh-h! Sh-h! That's Congressman Murray, of South Carolina!"-New York Times. ? MB e MM They Had Gotten Mixed. Two distinguished statesmen, who attended a Gridiron club dinner for the first tini?\ are the subjects of the following story. For the s'<ke of brev ity they will "oe designated as "Black" and "Gray." They were unaware of an ironclad rule of the club which adjourns the dinner promptly at midnight. Black and Gray had informed their respect ive families that it would probably be an all night session, and after leaving the Arlington hotel, attended an over flow meeting at a near-by resort beforo proceeding homeward. Wheo Gray reached homo ho was somewhat uncertain as to whether ho had pullod the right door boll. His anxious wife stuck her head out of the window and inquired: "Who's thero?" "Does Mr. Gray live here?" said her confused husband. "Of course he docs, yon old fool. You are Gray." "My dear, please como down and pick me out, so Black can go home." -Washington Letter. - Thc coldest charity often resides under the warmest overcoat. - Marriage is a lottery for man; for a woman it is betting on a dead suro thing. rt, THE ?OUT H ERN RAILWAY Vhe Cr?o?;Hlt?hwBy of TRADE. oud-TRAVCfc THROVGMJHE'SOVTHtRN STATES. Excelhnt Service Quick Time Convenient Schedules Any Trip U A Pleasure Trip to lhose?wrHo Travel *Vt*?T H^90UTHERN!KAI LWAY. The Finest Dining-Car Service in the World. For detailed Information As to TteKets, Rates end Sleeping -Car resort ?aliona addrcos tho^tveoroat Agon t%of THE SOUTHCKNJFLAIAY. >W.*A. TURK. P?>?"i" T?m? Mw)?. WASUIKCTOK. U. C. 8. ti. HARDWICK. C..rv->r. 1 P.icnfltr AflooU WASHINGTON, O. C. t TAKE NOTICE. Do not Fail to try our Specially Prepared 8 1-2 2-2 Petrified Bone Fertilizers for Grain. We have all grades of Ammoniated Fertil izers and Acid Phosphates, also Kainit, Ni trate of Soda and Muriate of Potash; all put up in new bags; thoroughly pulverized, and no better can be found in the market. We shall be pleased to have your order. ANDERSON PHOSPHATE AND OIL CO. Why Not Give Your House a Coat of IC PAINT ? You can put it on yourself-it ia already mixed-and to paint your house would not cost you more than/.- - - - - ?^ive or Six Dollars: SOLD BY Orr-Gray & Co. 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