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Extracts from one of "Jones," Humorous Letters. ? "Jona" of tlio Union-Herald tookia trip up tlio couulry a short time ago. At tho dopot in Columbia, he says ho "met a patriot.". "He was a fine specimen of tho deco rum tribe. Out at tho elbow, so edy, ' and unkempt, with a deliberate indepeu denee that amounted to iinpudouce, he looked like that pusilluuimous financial cuss, "an a ppropriation exhausted," or like a public officer who has done hi? duty and proposes to do it again at tho same price. There was something in the fellow. His threadbare black coat K?s buttoned up tight enough to keep . .it on, and, having a fow moments befoijc thet ;n pursued its mad career, I 'ap preached him. Ho was too poor to do anybody reverence,aB Shakspeuro says, and did not seem to bo the least alarmed at my advances. Indeed my advances to thj^ividly' poor, EXCEPT WIDOWS, had never alarmod them?a beautifu idiosyncraoy which has always stood . out in bold relief?relief of nobody?in ray character for centuries, ne receiv ed me, pleasantly. Sir, said I, your ? name, residouce and business, if you ' gjease? Said he : Sir, I am a native by bjrth, a patriot by profession, but as a pcri\iaucu^ hoarder I am not a pecu niary suc?ess- What's that, said I ; is it anything^0 a governor, or an at torney-general; or a Btat0 treasurer, or EVEN JUSTICE? Oh, no, says he, ? Patriot w 000 knows how sweet,UjMd bonorablo it is to die for one's coun"1'^' and>bo 80 ?vos that when ho dieaa?veryboJJ* oan see be does it for his eo,uutr^'a 8oodi a raun> - 911, ???.?,-..?.. . >] piOiUlO tt.lSl'.tAliluu t>/ jiublie office in these radical days, but who prefers public office to anything dse." On tin traiu "Joues" met Judge Cookc. He says: Everybody in the up-country knows Judge Cook, and all who know him like him. On tho bench he is dignified courteous, learned in the law, and eu tirely impartial in its administration. Off the bench he is synply Mr. Cooke, full of all the amenities of life aud all the rich virtues of a nature overflowing Kith generosity and good homor. II e never forgets a friend, and rarely for \ gives ftn enemy. Strong in all his purpo FEARLESS AND RESOLUTE, ho is recognized every where as an effi cient public, officer, lie was then on his way to hold court at Anderson, lit tie dreaming ol the awful catastrophe that then and thero overwhelmed bis. juries. Sinco the death of Judge Graham be is known ns tho big judge I weighing in his stocking feet nearly fcL 300 pounds, and worth to the public in fiT terests as much per pouud ns any man Hpn the State. Just before' parting his flghonor helped me toat ten cents out ol Bythe car to a poor bliud orphan of eighty ?Spumraers, who bad mistaken me for th WB president of tho national grange. It V was a noblo sight to see us two doiug ? that thing; and while wc were doing of Y it most of tho passengers hung sus L pended botwecn a smilo and a tear, nhile the engine blowed off steam in mpTory possible way, to keep iroiu burat ^ing to pieces. Charity begins at homo; but what is homo to an orphan without a'mother I And besides, wben it comes down to cash, tho grange and me UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. A physician was on tho train with him. "Jones" says: ,;I left the doctor at Alston, and ns it was a very cold day, an eager and a nip ping air, suppose that iu tho four hours of waiting ho must have frozen to th e place, or lallen a victim to that felonious meal, in which, liko tho weddiug feast in Hamlet, tho funeral baked meuts of the week bofore did coldly furnish forth tho dinner table. Horace?I mean tue protege of Maecenas?would havo call ed it rudis indigcBtaque moles. I will, hdwover, take the papers, and RESERVE MY DECISION until I can ioo the propriotor, an 1 sizo his pile beforo I tell tho publio what it ought to bo called. As to Mr. North rop, ho had Jlittle to say,sittiu g alone with that awful ltoman nose, like tho Tarpean rock jutting its counfouuded base. It afterwards turned out that he was engrossed in the contemplation of the sublimity and inscrutability ofhu man affairs, tho ingratitude of rcpub lies, and the peculiar difference between the mau iu office aud the fellow out of office" "Jones" got off the train at Anderson looked at tho place, kicked up the devil in Judge Cook's Court, didn't drink any whiskey, aud wrots as follows of that place : Anderson 1 found a live place, with an excellent hotel, kept by a son-in law of Judge Heed. The mau of all work, t he chief cook, and bottle washer cp5tho house, is^a'robJor'cd man, uame d !Pink Williams. That fellow is worth his weight in gold, provided he don't weigh iiijuse]lf. . 1} wasr court week, and f the house was crowded. The next morning thero was an odd sight. The judge, it appears, has enforced the old habit aud uniform,, rind requires the clerk to up pear in a full suit of black, and the sheriff to come for him in tho continen tal cock-hat, and the big sword jit the shoulder. As he was crossing the square, several asked him ii he did not belong to Wheeler's cavalry The sh.riff, who was a gallant Boldics of the Coniederacy, and lost his leg in the war, can't stand die parade, and sends his deputy. It is worth $50 to any man of the remotest sensibility to cross a square full of people in that grotesque rig, aud the judge ought to see that tho man IB PAID SOMETHING for the wear and tear of bis "phelinkji." If his honor would Oi?r Jrti'er the coun ty ooininissiontrs.to furnish him with an educated hog, or monkey aud a hand organ and send him through the coun try, he would pay the entire expense of holding court each term. The clerk had to be excused, because just before his dress suit was finished, the tailor shop was broken open and robbed, and his uniform was among the 'dear departed. ' The lawyers all wear black coats in Judge Cooke's court, and things begin to wear a pre Adamite look. His honor swears, if the worst copies to the worst, he will vote next time for George^ Wash iu"tonfora third term. * I ? ? "Jonts" boarded the train again, and winds up thusly : "Wo had another spartan dinner somewhere on the road to Greenville. De Castro and Miss Fannie sat at the head of the table, and went to work on the venerable fried rooster and in flex i bio cabbage. lie tried first to mcstucr izothe stuff, but it would not take; then he called-up all his favorite devils to make the meal palatable, but all tho red hot spices aud sulph uric sauces of hell could not mollify the obdurate bis cuit or correct the morbid butter. There is A SPECIAL PROVIDENCE that shapes our ends, and it put a par ticular damoiition on that dinner. The ragged edge of despair wan "Hail, Co lumbia !" to that work, and wo were all fortunate in having escaped with our lives. Sweet spirits of ammonia,, hear my prayer! I oat at that booth no more forever! At longth we reached Greenville, and although my tale is not half told, yet must it close. "What is writ is writ, would it were worthier." I give it to you jiiBt for what it i3 worth, and beg leave to subscribe myself, yours, c.c officio:' "Jones." "Joues" doesn't 3cem to have rcllish ed all he saw. Wodder if ho had the hend-ache when he arrived back to Co lumbia' ? Can our friend ? Thompson of tho Union- Herald inform us? -?H?^'.??? . ? - Two young men who resolved to com mit suicide, becnuso their sweetheart married an undertaker, owes his ,life to the sober second thought that he might bo furnishing btaTivul with a job. Paying un ?.'Coming^ down.' Beechcr's Trial. SANOLINARY VATICINATIONS AS TO ITS RESULT. [From (ho Chicago Tribune] I am perfectly serious when I pro phecy dial this trial betwoen Tilton anil Beeeher will not bo lawfully completed Until the first of April, or thereabouts. Yet I do not contemplate so long ami S) depressing a continuation of those pro cceding. 1 feel somehow or other, that a tragic conclusion will abruptly and terribly end this matter. As it pro grosses, the theatric mantle ol heroism drops off, from its shoulders:, aud pre sontly it will be wholly undraped, a lewd and hideous trausliguratiou of Pria pus. To bo the laureate of such reck ing annals might, gratify the hot titubi tiou of Swinburtie, but t:) impartial uo.-trils tho whiffs and strciichcs of a widespread licentiousness are nothing else than sickening. Its tableaux are as vile as the encaustics ol Pom pi; its j episodes lit only for tho prurient con i templtition of Mcssalinu, and its actors J seem to liavo lost their aptsst bpp ?r i tunity in the suppression ol* Aphra Hehn, 1 lie argument of the defense, on the moral question at i.-sue, uot bo tween IJeecher and Tilton, but between JJcechor and the world, is no loftier plea that) tho grinning"tu'juoquo." Il Ilccchcr be a libertine. Tilton is a free lover; and, if IJeecher seduecd | Elizabeth Tilton. Theo lore Tilton permitted and extenuated that scduo tion by his adulternus alliance with Woodhull. S6 far, it looks like a match at mud throwing, with fuller ammunition, however, than the cheap orduxe of tho streets. Ail uiannur of beVstly confidences are to be torn from chair. A true Corinthian <^rgic i.s promised, in which every brut il appe tito shall be nakedly represent ?>!. We arc only on the threshold of the scandal If it be necessary to save Jlr. IJeecher, an exhibition so monstrous may bo made that the anger of his e luntrym tn will rescue him by a prompt and wrath f?il extinction of tho w inde proceeding Other adulteries, other seductions, other I bestial incidents in this unwritten his tory of Plymouth, arc to be paraded b i fore the puzzled jurors and the stupefied world. At least TWO PEAK WOMEN Are to anticipate the last judgment by confessing through the mouth of their owu kindred, that they wore false to their marriage vows, and one id' them, thnt her filthinoss was beyond even the awful picturing of Juvenal. At last one incest will be dragged from under tho protective shadow of .Mr. ileechor's church, and stripped bare .and putrid for the consideration of these Christian States. If Fiohry C. Bowen ever reaches the witness stand there will be squeezed from bis lean person such a steam of poisonous, oxerctuentitions knowledge that the whole country will stop its nostrils and its ears, aud CRY "ENOUGH I" Testimony will be produced upon this trial, aud may perhaps be spread upon its record to which the feculence oi' all extant literature will be as Sabaou odors. I know of one tomb which has already been ransacked to prove prior guilt on Hoeoher's part; and 1 know of another grave into which Ileechor's lawyers will presently descend to gropu for the shameful affections of Tilton. Human dust aud ashes cited to demon strato the wickedness it committed in the flfesll is one of the certainties of this, our tedious Dies lite. But, though the horrors which [ have faintly butliued ? and which are as well known to a score of persons as to myself?from au irrcfra gablo chapter in the lewd record of this case, yet do I firmly bcliovc, without being able to give a reason for my belief, that a SUDDEN AND MORTAL STOPPAGE OK TIMS TRIAL -Will bo tuado by one or both of its principals. 1 dare not predict that IJeecher %?ill take flight from that tor riblo arena; 1 dare uot pre liut that sudden death or dramatic confession will ^turtle Ins woishippcrs, uud silouce tho proetjsHi of Ins [accusation. But though it would bo sum ething more than and.icity to conjecture the form iu which lacjeiid will come, yet do I verily and enr'tii stly believe that some other verdict tUin the verdict of a jury will coiicfutlc ' this appaling religious tragedy. Remember 31c. There ;)-e not two other words in the language nhat call back a mure fruitful train of mast remembrances of friend ship, ttf?l these, Look through your library, and when you cast your eye upo : a tolumc that, contains the name of an ol * companion, it will say ? /?<? number '?? Have you an ancient album, thl re ository of tho mementoes of early (affection? turn over its leaves, stained py the linger of time?sit dun and pon?>r upon the names enrolled upon th'ijni, each says?remember me Go into tt/e crowded churchyard,among e tombs ? read the s'tiiplc and Vipt ions that perpcl n ite l hn memory -f departed o.ies; they, top, have a '.oicc that .-peak-, to the hearts of the living, and it savs?remember ine. Walk, i i Lhc hour ufevening twilight, timid tlrtj sceues of your early rambles; the w^nkuown paths, thtj winding streams, the over spreading trees, the green gently sloping banks, wil I rccul 1 the drcui:js ol juvenile ploisurc, and the r. collecti'mi of youthful companions; I bey, too.) bear the treasure-) inj inctiou the marl brief ins tis is all that is left at last of circle id* our early frieri 1<. Ly lot tune, 01 called away by thrown without our band by res of circumstance or of char itn.' we iin 1 oarsjlyes left .th ? - --?Mc.-tion.d.f' wji itV^h?) ?mncni And the wid .Scatter^ death, the c actor, i a !o nc won i?ljjoy their favors; others wer - | kind, and amiable, ail aTijiionato, and for this we esteem d them, othois, again, were in >i Is ol virtue, a i l shared bur ptnisc and udiuirati in. It -.vis child a little while utul then the chances of th - world broke iu upon the delighted intercourse; it ceased. Vet still wo d ? ali we can to discharge the one sa red ami honest, an 1 honorable debt ?it?.-; remember tftcni. 'fhe tribute, ton, of remembrance which we delight to pay to others we desire lor ourselves I h ? wish for np plauso; the thirst for fame; the desire that our names sh ml I shine d i v i ; future posterity iu the glory ol record ? 1 deeds, is a fevcri-h unhappy passion, compared with the unambitious desire tc retain, even beyond the spaa, of life, the affections o'* the warm-hearted few who shared our j lys and sorrows in t he wold. I once read the brief inscription '?Jteiiionibor mo," on a teiustonc, in a country gtaveyard, with a t mi-, that th e grave of Bouupai'tc woul I n it have called forth. Hut whom do we always remember with affection ? The virtuous, the kind, the warm hearted; those who have -mi desired themselves to us by the amiable ih'>s ol th dr characters. It i-> the mi a I, the disposition, the habits, the feeling ol our friends which attach us to them most strongly; which form the only hut ing bond of affeetion; which alone em secure our affectionate remembrances. Then, if we woul 1 be remeuib i 1 with iln; kindliest feelings; if wo would be embalmed in the memory of those wo l ive; if we desire that, when Ibrlii iu or fate, shall separate us Irom our l'r ends they may long think of us; we must possess ourselves the same character we love in others. Never was n more n iblo line Wi nten iu the history of until than this- '-The first emotion of pain he evor caused was by hiS or her departure." The I'ittsburg Pa toy i-< a lightning rod wagou With an insurance agent perched on ilie rear of t. 'A u : who tears the Lord aud who cm carij uue an intoxicated tuoiiib r is tile kiim it' a - er,;eaiit at arms that they want lor the Miuuossotu L.gidi tu l e. Kalakaua has left Chicago, and the Journal cue- out uuor him, 'Good bye K?l!' ? I!e DiiHl Saying "Ctiss." A WANDERER FROM TUE FRONTIER? WHAT WAS FOUND ON II IS DRKAST. Hi; Hat on ilie steps of the City Hall, head in his hands, and one could not help l?ut notice him. He wore a coat of wolf skins, a bearskin cap, buckskin breeches, and his grizxly h..ir hung down on his Bhouldcrsiu a tangled mass. Ho had drifted Bust from tho wild (Vou tier, and he had fallen sick. No one knew for a long time what (died him, as be would not reply to inquiries, but. finally, when a policeman shook his .inn and repeated the inquiry, he slowly Iif ted his head and *opiied : ?I'm played !' His face was pale and haggard, and it was plaiti that hp was going to have an attack ol l'?ver. Ho was sunt to tho hospital lor treatment he was making no inquiries and answering no <| test ions T his \vus a month ago. 11c had his per BOtial effects iu a sort of a sack. These were a breech loading rifle, a hatch it, ti Unite, and several other articles an i when he bud laid on the Led in one of the wards, he insisted that the bag be placed tin ier his head. They offered him medicine, but he turned away hps face and no argument could induco him j to swallow any I 'But you arc a sick man,' said the [ doctor. 'Cuss tickness,'replied the ohl gen tleman. ? A ud you may die !' m'.i-s death." Ho grew worse as tho days went t?y , and was sometimes out of hi-] Lead, an.I talking.strange talk of Indian lights ami buffalo hunts, but not once did he speak of family, friend s or himself, lie wonld-iMt-b^them uudress \jjtf,comb 'Iiis' iiair^t-jrA .?..-, ? .fft?ie^? 3'0,nd Laving his fi o i on the stand. A raging fever was burning un his system, utid wlioti the doctors found that the old int.u wi tild hot take their me Heine, they ktiuw that dtiuth was only a mat t- r 6i da s. He ihust hitye htiil an iron cpn.ttitu i n and :: heart 1 ko a warrior for he held death ::t .-an s length until the other day. When it was soeti that he . o u LI last In- a few hours longer, th ! uur.-e asked him if a elergymau should b ? called ?Cuss clergyman !' However, two Lours afterwards his mind wundered, und ho sat up iu bed a lid called Mil : ?! if II ye, the Lord isn't going to be hard on a feller who La- lit Injuns '.' He was quiet again until an hours be f re bis death, when the nurse made one more effort, an tasked : ?Will you give mo your namo V 'Cuss my name '.' ?Haven't you any friends V ?Cuss friends !' 'Do you wish us to send your things to any one ' ?( Suss any ouc '.' 'Do you realize that you nro very near the lmmvo V 'Cuss the grave,' was the mouotouoas r piy. No futther questions worea^kel, and during the next hour the strange old man dropped quietly asleep in death ut tcring no words ami making no sign. \\ Leu they cauib to remove the clothing and prepaic tlio Lo.lv lor the grave, what do yon suppo.sf they lound, earn fully wrapped tili in oilskin and lying on bis breast ':' A dagtierrcotypo pic ture of a little girl ! It was taken years and years tigo, when the child was live or six y? ns old. The face of the litlte one was lair to look upon, an 1 the case which held it Las bc^n scarreJ by bul lets. There were a dozen scars on tlio old man's body to prove that he had liy cd a ^ild J'.fe, but there was not a lino among his effects to reveal hi* home, or tho tiilliiC of tho child whoso pie; uro he Lad worn on his breast f*>r yeurs aud years. Who was she 'I His own dar ling perhaps, lie would not havetrons ured" i lie picture so carefully unless there was love in his heart. .No oho wouul have believed that the Well skin Coat covered a heart which could teel love or tenderness but it did. tie might havo becu returning Lout* a. (er year.-; of weary wandering^ ^r ? ho lie might have left the frontiers?to- bo Mire of a Christian's burial; efHHAoping that no unsympathetic eye would fall upon the picture. .Some said keep it, hoping to tiihkc .'t identify the old mail, but others laid* it back on the battle scarred breast, which had preserved |(it so long, arjl- itj ?was there yesterday when they baried flip.. Mr. ttecch'er on Marriage;.' iii ! II -3.U1 Twenty years ago the writcrof'thia was engaged iu the diffusion of infonna tion about d jor spriugs; iu poiptofjfjlot peddling fro n dojr to dojr, , In^?io pursuit uf this lawful, but uot lucrative business, he entire^ the booksto'reof lloo Lockwodd it Co, in Broadway;'fin 1 requested permission t> apply one of his inventions to tho doors ofciThe establishment, ? t ? As lie cntct ' he ;uw Mr. Bcechor sauntering about, ela I i;. a loose sack coat, "the pocket* of which *ycvp|appar cutly filled with sugared almonds, ier from time to time he produced these delicacies, removing the saoliarino shell with a vigorous bite and easting it away, retaining ouly tho kernel fur his J lectAliou Having ofteu heard Mr. Bccchcr l.ciure, meciiug him fac^to* face was an event; while the sale of a door tpting was of the ?rst imp'orl?acs Mr. BVeOhci* was second in iutcres'fc,'?nd a carolul w-Atuh was kept upon him. While negotiations woro peudiug.- -Jtfr. IJeecher stopped up, aud at the ojo^a of t!ic address romarked : '? Voting man, arj you married ?''1 '? N b, sir," was the respectful T?pljf. "Didn't you know you ought tobe. V "Yes, sir." . ? ^ '\ mui u\ ' Why don't you do it, thon ? ; W%T don't you get married V1 I j. 'Well, air^ i will upon oac^^dl rciotrj" aaiu U"jieuV "What is it?" "If you will buy a door spring, Mr. Boechcrj I will get married." '?Ha, ha, ha," he shouted, whilo Mr. Lockwood joined tho merriment in a subdued tone. "Very good,youugman; very g oil." Thou slapping him on tho shoulder and reducing his voice to a confidential toue, ho remarked,'MBut 1 can't buy a door spring. I have nothing to do with the house. You go over to Brooklyn and see my wife; she is the captain. If you can sell her a door spring thnt will be all rigutr.i I haven't anything to say about .tho house." :j That ended the couferouce. Messrs. itoc Lockwood ec Co., didn't buy one either, and save from tho momorablo incident, the writer left as poor aa, ho went iu. ' Items- * Materialized spirits?Frozen whiskey A matchless maid?An anoient ua married lady Plain sauce?An interview with a Saratogn hotel clerk. illuticenco may not be considered sound s.'ii. o, but it is good seuso. To 'bone' a turkey?'fake it when the poulterer is not looking. ? How unjuat it is to accuse a bald head cd mi n of putting on false hairs. John Henry wants to kuow if tho Ohio lottery law prohibits marri'Agtss How "o make good puffs?Send the nubli her fifty cents a litte for them. 'What can't be cured must bo sold fresh,' is w hat they say iu tPorKopolis. In some bl the new style* there is uo change. Poor relatives are cut the same as last year. '1 ho financial pressure is loosoning.? ftven the days are not so short as thoy wci'O: Here's a view of tho Christmas stook itig The boys says he 'set it, but ho didn't eatali anything.' That's too bad. Boston is to hav' convention of bald headed men. .>'? all, however, it may not bo as, ^ortu* nate as the great tiro. ? i 'What station do you ?aid a man as he crawled ot tho dobm of a railroad su^? ?P- '^station replied the comuctor