The Orangeburg news. (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, September 12, 1874, Image 1
THE WRONG PILLAR-BOX.
Mrs. Twiilet was originally Miss j
Eleanor Fusscll, with whom if. \v:is the
destiny or Mr. Hygvavc to lall in lovo.
Though ho was Car from handsome,
Eleanor Fussoll gradually fell a tender
regard for him ; and biiujr aware that
ho had, as has been siiid, a competency,
she allowed that tender regard to wax
stronger, until she many a tim?: caught
herself sighing and thinking, 'Oh, 1
wish he would prop bjI'
\\ ell, lie did propose j and yet she
became Mrs.Twiilet.
Now, it chanced upon n day, or rather
night, that Mr. and Mrs. Kussel I fell
n tolkitig, as anxious parents will do,
about the prospect of their children,
and, especially, the lovely Klc nur.
'Nelly's rather hard to please, ! loa: .'
said Mr. Fusscll, with the sigh ol it pro
fcssioimt man having limited m 'ans an 1
a largo family, hut with tho uhu k!o ais.i
of an indulgent lather proud of in
?daughter's pe rsonal attractions.
'Not so hard as .you th in It, \o haps/
Tpjoiued Mrs. Fusscll, Kignilioaotly.
'What d'ye menu V asked Mr. Kus
sell, petulantly.
'Nelly's a dear, good girl, without
?any nonsense,' said thu mot nor,
sententiously.
'What's that to do with it V observed j
the father, angrily.
'A great deal, my dear,' roKponde 1
the mother, patronizingly. 'Nelly has
admitted to me that shu very much
prefers Bygrave. Ai d I must t-ill you.
when he was down hero ho was hanging
about Nelly in the most absurd manner,
and making her all soi ls of presents '
'He must be brought to book,' said
Mr. Fusscll, with determination. '1
*hall have to go to town in a lew days,
aud I ehnll ? all uron him tit his clim
bers. 1 shall give htm every opportun
ity of speaking o'?tHiko a man. and il
he fights shy 1H speak to him I e lu't
have my Nelly trilled with.'
'Take c?ro you don't spoil matters,'
observed Mis. Fm-sell, waruingly. -You
men nie ?o clum-y ; my opinion is that.
Mr. Hygrvo is very timid and difii lout
about his personal tippuarun to, n'th >u.jh
I did toll him, so (ar as prett y p'a'ti
hints can be. called i.-iJi>?.;?. tint lt > h;.l.l
- nofhuig to fear On that -core. Impend
upon it, ho will propose in d i : lim ?>. i'
you. keep your awkward lingers out of
thu pie.'
'If he doesn't, I'll know tho re tson
?why,' observed Mr. Kussull in eon
elusion.
And he did propose. In (net, he had
already proposed tit the very time wuon
he formed the topio of conversation bo
tvvceu tho father and mother ol liii be
loved and loving ICIe.iaor. AuJ t!u
time was April 1, 13?.
Nevetthclcss, within twelv.j months
of th::t proposal; though there was no
quarrel nud no change in IJy^r.ivo's
?circumstance.", Eleanor Fu-s ;!i bju tin ??
the wile of Janie.s Twillott, :i huitduaio
man enough, but, in o:her respects, no
more to be compared with .John IJygr.ivo
than a Satyr wit'1 Hyperion. Above
nil, Twiilett hadn't a competency ; hu
was a young professional ui-.ui, with fair
prospects, certainly with but little or
nothing beyond the proceeds of his p o
fessiou.
And why was it th it Nelly never told
even her mother of the proposal made
to her by Bj'grave? Until die hoe;itu ?
Mrs. Twillett, she never m.onion Id that
proposal either to her mother or to any
other living soul.
Mr. Fusscll was as good as his word.
When he paid his due visit to to.vu, h i
called at Bygravc's chambers. The
black door was iuhospit.ibly shut, an I
on it was pasted a piece of paper, bear
ing upou it some written characters
Mr. Fusscll, who was near sighted, ad
justed his glasses, went close up to,tho
door, read the handwriting upon the
wall, was for the moment struck dumb,
and, eo soon ns he recovered th a use of
his tongue, made use of severe ox pros
sions. What ho read was: 'Goneto
Jericho; return in about eighteen
mouths.' That was all, except the
chrrnic notice in white letters upon the
back door, to the lifect that 'messages
and parcels' were 'to be loft at thu he.i 1
porter's lodge.' To that lod^e Mr.
Fusscll atouco repaired.
'Mr. By grave appears to have gone
abroad V said he, interrogatively, to tiuj
porter.
'Gone to Jericho, sir,' answered the
porter pleasantly; 'for a little outing,
sir j coniin' home by way of Afriky in
about eighteen months. Letters not to
bo forwarded. Any message, sir V
'Dear me 1' replied Mr Fussoll, but
not to the question : 'it must have Leon
very sudden !'
'Mr. Bygravo's a rather suddenish
gentleman, sir,' assented tho porter
witha. smile. 'I've known him to come
home lato from ihu Derby on u Wednes
day night, and be oil early next morn
in', just letiviu' a note for his laundress
to Kay, thnt, if anybody calls, he's gone
to Both'lcm for a week or two.'
?Beth'cm,' muttered Mr, Fussoll ;
'and a very proper place for him* But,'
ho continued, in a louder tone, '1 sup
pose you don't know why Iie?should have
gone to Jericho just now V
'No, eir, J dt n't know exactly,' replied
tho good humored portor. 'Uuft I eau
i/iits.t why he's gone to Jericho.'
Mr. Fussell said nothing, but looked
expectant.
'You soo, sir,' continued tho porter,
iiion; confidentially, 'Mr. Hygrnvc's
iuo?t intiuiatu friend is a painter, a
gentleman that p unts Scripture sub
jeefs. and tint's en j?ged at present, is
1 heard, on a picture of the than that
Cell :tmnu<r thieves; and Mr. IJygravc,
! take it, has gone to pay Iiis fricud a
visit.'
Mr. Kusscll thanked the eomtnunioa- I
tive porter,.and d'pirtod witho.u leav- !
inj; any message, for tho only message I
he could think of was, 'Tell hi n Ii ? was j
a villain ;' and tho porter was hardly the
proper person to deliver it.
When Mr. I'nssell reached his houte
in the country town where ho practiced
his profession, ho sought the. earliest
opportunity of boinu closeted with his
who. In the conferotioo that eiK' ted
both wer.? utterly pu './.led. 11 oiv
Bvgrnvc should h ivo boh ivo I *i i di 1
was incomprehensible. And yet., while
Ii nomin^ to hi veiled from and jilted
their daughter, tit; young iuum had
really Pr,,P >sod.
Nobody, however, woul 1 h ive guessed ?
thai he bail, to ju Ige Irotn Noliy's be
havior. A face as pile a- a lily, nights ?
devoid of rest, and pllloWd vvcl with i
tears followed I lit mediately upon tit.' |
an noun cement in tie to b sr i Ii r l>y;r.ive
had l'ono away ; gijme, without a vv.?r I '
or letter; gone, alter the.significant
spe choa h?i iia 1 made;, secret ly in her
o.\n eat, and openly bolero her family;
gone, tin' to r. tern fur oi jlt'to u n m it <
at the least ; gono, leaving a pyptcst be
hind that letters should not lie Inrwarl
ril an I not leavi ig my a Mr. ss to which
they could bo forwarded Then, ?p
jaiei.ity, catiiu tho stage ofwiiir.ntily
pride hud just resentment. Ilei heart
was scarred indelibly, but her life re
covered its I luom und its brightness
.\nd Twilictt became I ho accept mI lover.
Twelve months rolled away, and she be
came Mrs. Twilictt.. The happy honey
luom was over; she returned to her
Hit:\ 0 town I" a SjlUg little huUSC on its
outskirts'; and i:> (he very l\v,n week oi'
her return'., !M B!n ?ut tndior boudoir
Waiting for her husbap I to co.no b ?0.
?\ '. ijt J _ T.- - b-ivti,^'. . ?? ? .V../< '.. :?
latlur's. The euvolopa wrs a largoj blu'i
oee, and bore an address which ac
counts for its having b.-o:i -eat to h r
lather's ? M i-s Klean >r Kussell. .Sh >.
smiled as she broke open the caver, b i
tire silti1.1 wits sue e ? la I by a f.o-v i a id
a start when she perceived inside the
cover a second letter This seonn t let
tor was blood ted. ami, as she looked at
thn hand'Veiling, s io ; re u > e i o<?e ? 1
j iogly, and a smoth red cry cieap; I !i sr
; win tu lips.
It may bo remembered th it >i !'i i
nigl t ol n curtain 1st of Ap'il. I i ?,
Mr an 1 M s, ImisscII had a ? mvo vsili ?i
ahoUi tho propriety of bringing Mr
I}, ave t> propose; whereas dr. I>y
grave, it was remarked at the time, had
already proposed. Well, tit dusk on
that same l.-t of April, n raw country
lad ni'ghl have I ecu observed i i 1'
ssie' t w ith a letter in bis hand, ai I
.?t?i ing and gaping inquiringly :ib ml
him. At last a gleam of intelligence
and Mitisfucttou lit up his face,and he
moved hastily toward an iron pillar box,
which stood by the road-side, and ncai
which sotiiu mischievous young Arabs
of the London strecis were playitig.
?Want a lutti.r box i1 Mere you are,
my boy; .shove ;i in .tit tli it hole it tho
lop/ siil one. of thorn, in tho must
friendly an I insinuating accents, t > the
country la 1
?(.?; know,' replied (he country lad
with a look of superior k iowI id xo ml
experience, ;.s be carefully dropped th !
letter in at the suggest el hulu, and
walked oil" with a i air ol salisi'ic i in
?('hi you April fool,'shouted the
Arabs after him ; but he either didn't
know whit they meant, or believed in
its being impossible thai any hjy wh ii
ever would infringe the 1 iw which for
bids the malting of'April fools'after
twelve o'clock at noon. At any rate, he
wi lit his way regard I O'S of so ?Iis.
'Oil, dear! oil, dear !'screamed the
treacherously friendly Arabs, Itughiug
as if heir very sides would burst.;'he's
bin and cone and pat his love letter in
the dust-bin; that he b ivo '
As the country lad passed one of the
arch Wa\s that lead froin I'leot struct tu
the Temple, be was brought to a sudden
stand still by a stentorian sll nit.
? i lloimis '.' cried a Vuiu-e that made the '
country lad jump.
Here in be, Mu-'er Bygrcave,'
tinrwurcd Thomas, vvith a tu; at his
front hair, an I a broa I grin at itie
gentleman file hid called i> him
?So you've pasted my letter T said
the neu leman.
Tt.es, Muster IJoygroavo, oi'voslono
it,' answered Thomas with unconscious
cquivooatiou
'iiruvo ! i'homi.s,' rejoined the gentle
man kindly; 'you've; done your lii'ator
rand in JjOlldpil splendidly. 1 watchod
you Iroui here ul nost as liiras tho
pillar b .x; but, 1 couldu'c see ijuitc ail
the way. You didn't have any diliieal
ty, I suppose V
S\oa, 1 fund t' pillar, and I popped
un into t' slit a-top.'
'Th 's all right; und I urn glad to soo
you took no not'cc of those yning
ragnmullins who seemed to be laughing
;it you. .Now you can go; good-night.'
And away won! Thomas will? an us
prcssion o! unbouiidod sclt'contuit.
Thomas was ihc son. or rather one of
the sons, oi :i poor widow who had hie
ly lost her husband by an acci lent while
I iygrave was oil iii- visit to tlio KiHsclb
and it was only quo of those many gou :r
ous tuitions which, partly reported <>l
him, and partly known of hor own know
lodge, had lendo I ' - p-i 1 ? t.- hiai to
KhMiinr Kussel I whan bo mi lori >pk' to
|.iind soho'ilitig an I ojJiipiliin and a
I live I ill ?od for Thomas in Loud n Hut
bow cauio Tli'onus to he intrusted with
tlie posting of Kygraves leU ir? Wily,
thus : The letter was a I dressed lift ?:? a
fashion which mike* uinst bachelors
living iii chambers do their pisting for
t he ustrI vis. in oriler to avoid prying
eyes, HiguiSieaiil lo ?ksj well nnatit but
olloii five ujUisiodSi ah I tittle t i? -1 ?; a t 1
so liy^ruve ha I intcn I ? 1 to p i3t it Iii tu
self lib walked down to his el iS; li.itt,
having eticouiitcru 1 Thomas in iho very
; niek of time, and Thomas hot having
yet eaten oi the tree of kii >wl 11 :o so ihr
as to Ir..- able i; do jiph sr li'i'ti Uvri inj; or
oven print, be .-c 1 the ocean m of
civin^ Tho utis a I.!?>?).i in tb s art of
pOrko hiing u master's behests, lie It id
directed Thanns t > pop Miy .letter iiito
the li:.-t ii'?ti pillar '-> >'<? b sei ni to; he
b id watched Tho mit gv?i?? the right
course; l>.? b id soon Th Snia* half, el ;
to tlio very sjidl where thu ti.-nv-:. pillar
?ux Mo . I; and hu hid ubiarv ? I with
sutis'ii hid j tint T.iiiih pro iiptly' re
lurn.-d, a.i I disrogirdel tin many
libuuci'S tb d ollered of a gaiiiror a light
?villi a rotin I d ?.: a ? >!" strcet.b >y?. lie
was m. sttbdi >. I ah r..t the safe 1 .1 nohl
of i he lei tor us ill..; had drooped it
in! ? ihc box with hiso.vti hat!-; :::: I
lie never give it ;i s ;c 'a 1 tb ui 'lit.
An 1 with in ten "lays hs, to the grjat
astoiiishinuut of Tlioai is, stiriol o.Tp i
a KU;1 Jen t > del i ;ho.
I.ol us return to Mrs. Twillelt. She
had ju-i t?trctigth enough loft to tear
opeu tho blood red letter and re.i I as
lud ?\ys :
A i'::'.!. 1, 13?.
were ii.it. for ilio confession I aai going
to make, and the buhl rein.'-'. I am
about to urge, I on rht not an I i should
not d :rb to use tbeni. My.eooljes ion is
that I love you, for love is i word that,
in my vocabulary include* everything
that, longer w.>r is are generally ui.ul to
express; an I fity b >i 1 rt: ino t i< th it yiiu
will he my wil t. Many a titii?1 irihg
the happy days I spent at your .si ! >. 1
hhvo been On the point oi pleadiuj my
cause to you by w ? d d'm iitth add t>'<
in^ I'tn' your senieuec itp-ni me; b'.r 1
could ii it bo ir to hear a |i >ss;b! ? refos it
from your Kiveet lip.:. 1 del iruiino I to
write; lor I know how (en I si" your heirt
is, and by writing I sb iiild .spare yon
tlio pain th it I know you would leal
were you t ? withers t!ie e!i'e.d i: yv nibl
h ivo upon me it yon wer ? t ? t in i i!i it
niy easo \< h ipplois. A i 1 ij* it
he, I will IP t pat \ o i to
the disagreeable n eo/.sity of telling
me s>i in writing or oth-w i. t
this he oir compact: ii'1 htive lioju,
send mo one short note, an I I w'.!!!!.? t ??
yon tit ooee; if I have nun i, I? ii >' wril i
;1t, all. I will wait ,i wee!%; .tl i:'. by
tin.* Sib of this month of Aprils i r.'.o.iive
ni tie.ir, buc ?uragiag^ boji?-giviiig,
hcautifyitig tiitlu into, 1 felujl Itn >r
that my laid i- seah.'d, an I iny uro
misery is insured. I shall gi abroad,
io Jericho; iherp I hue t friend, t
piiititur of sombre subjects, lie1 w? J
yyiiipiiiii7.o with ine. lie is engaged in
punting a picture <-l n man alto (ell
tiiubng thieve-. lie will, ligiir t:i-.el,.
pour wiiie and nil into iuy vvoutids. lie
will priibably avail hiin.s !i of iny ? ?
pressioii for the eomiieiiance ol tin
wounded man bimseli. i> I werf ii >i
aware how exctdlenr ? iiir !..!:;;:.? is. Ii iw
ligbtjy you esteein w'itit *.h i ?_? who
haven't, tiny of Is- <- all dross, ,;i compiri
.son Viiih tu oral \vorili,;ind how great u
hin von consider idleness, I would all.
a> if in my favor, thai, lliough 1 am iuti
rich exactly, \vi L have a 11 ni i lerabio
indepi ndbnt incoiiic. limvevi r, know
iiig as I do your noble opiui in a- i < the
dignity of lah r, it might tell aglin-ii
uiu nit her than for nie if I :.< r.; t i sug
gest that my in : ? lie of .1' 1 ..VI > a y < ir
would enable us t ) scrape along v i! I
may use the oxprossiou) wiili iit ilie
liucessity* of doing litiytliing in t i ?! iir
otherwise, lor a 1 veliboo.1; bus ! may
surely say (hat siieli a ppsitiobj being
rogurJud by the world as an a Ivauiag ?,
would give }<m a certain iulliieiiee uiiJ
curtail) means likely to bd <>: assist inco
to you in yotii eHoiti to t>:>ey the gen ir
iutiilClS I have always gr?ally a linircd '
in you. Kxtei n.il grace-, to Ieeomaieutl
um 1 am Ittlly conscious I !:.iv<r none;
my Ipokiiig-glhss tolls me so with cruel
pluinness, und I fear thit I a a efjiiilly
badly ?IF for any kind of person il
merits, unless, indeed, iltere he s uue
.small merit jo having recognised and
devoted Itlisoll to the best, the loveliest,
the bweetost ol bor *ex. Ol? ! i.icauor,
liuvo pity upon uiu, and mi!. ? mo happy
lor ever. Iv.ich hour will be a bun Ired
years as 1 wait, for the fatal Sib. I
Miall have my luggage all ready; an 1 if '
by tjfc morning of thu Stli 1 rceeive u >
!t 11i*r from you, I shall accept my
dosfjjBfr in silent despair, and start forth
with for Jericho. I shall return, if in
deed I do return, by way of Africa,
wherw, if 1 do not court, I shall certain
ly lim shun, tho deadly weapon of tho
savtise, and the deadlier lover of his
l'.i'.e; and should we meet hi future
?.lays,-; pray bob ivo to me as if 11 >ilong
letter had never Iven writ ton. as il tin-re
!? :?! jjever been anything but friendship
butwtjon us. Uelievo vie to be, my dear
est Hft-'anpi* (for.t must write i?. ucain).
your' inost passionately attached and
devouWl admirer, lover and?in my
cas irjglriund.
John BvcittAVK.
Me: Twillett was quite overcome.
Rhe [prised the blood-red letter over and
over again; oud she whimp.iro I, us the
tearsji; trickled uuhecded down her
e!ice>$:
'His fhec, the larling, whit did I
care for his face! Hut I'd no notion
ho hjm so m?in ? much its ?f?Iii'?lif
tc n 'hundred a year of his own. But
wh it Slues it all mea i V
A&i she turned for explanation to
the other letter, which ran a< follows :
\ Sif.\t>v I'aum. May 2>t. IS?.
Mr. riownrin presents his coaip'ii
imuifj*; to Miss ImisscII Though I
btvef't th; pleasure of knowing yoii.
i i'ss,- 1 thought it my duty to forward
i lie hut er, and 1 hope it will be in lime.
The yyny it came to Shady Farm is singu
lar. jjtSxcu.se my mentioning top dross
iug jjjj&hncction with a lady, but, having
had aftload of the same down lately from
London, ai d being at work putting it
on the four'i.-r ? lio'd, we lound ilie lei
l?r (j'aifc accidentally ri^'il. aoiong the
titesjftig. Pray, don'; be l'ii-!it-n -d at
tho (iolor; it';< only Con ly "s lluid. We
l.oug'jt., c insider; ig wha' the Lttor h i 1
? one 'niro'ig'.i. it might bo t.'i j better
lor i/' go.d ro.-i5;ing and ilirinfecting.
?1'1V?5? yu'il lind it ii- t much the
i v.-orstfi jl rem .in your.'. ivsp:<-t fully.
g| Thomas I'low man.
''iV;0.rc oni. : h ive lo.cn -onio dr.rili'ul
tnis<i%*o P'-imrwher'-.' murnnivd Mrs
Ty4.iltt;-ahd as the strange late o"p >>
iv.g a'e's i r n .-.ii piv -nvl U.-Al'
-i^i*''A ai'i" '?-"-*' becajne
j her o?\-peilenced maid, correVtly snV'mis
j inn fiysteri''S, npp.vjro I iiu inn m ? 1
und '^irou *ht her li.' So ihat Mrs
j Twjllett was quite cnliiri, and had r ?
moved all traces of letters, by the ti:n ?
Mr Twillctt came homo.
J lVhil?i IJyyr.ivc w.-is absent the o-lucp
i lion of Tltomjis had biieii jirbcujliug*.
j and had soon arrive I at such a pitch
thai lie khiw the diil'orcuco hetw-'on the
two kinds ol pi I lar di-jx-is?one for let
t >ra -rid r.iii'. called a 'street orderly
bin.' for all maumr of tl irt and refuse
in Float strict; and many bitter: tears
did Tii on is consequently iveep luring
; hit kind master's ab-oticc. N ? sum sf
I di 1 Hygraye ret irn th in Th i u is, h ?w
almost rid of his rilS i : dialect, re (i.-s'.ed
i i ao liei-c '. which was graiitcl.
'Well, Th.i!iia.8,' s.i 1 liygravo, kin tly
?\yhat is it t"
? I'!o;;>o. sir.' r ?!?!-.'1 T!i vn as pail
as a ghost and shiveritig with emotion,
'1 pot that letter in til : (Ins! bin."
\\ hat ie tcr and wli.it do l bit) V ash
cd i>ygrave with a stare of blank ainazj
moot.
'The letter you give in t? post jusl
iiloru y ot w ut tiwViy, si.-.' blubbered
TllolllMS.
?IIa !'cried IJygravc, fiercely, as his
memory returned, an I his face, almost
blackened by sun au I weal her, grew
stern and rigid; 'what did y itt say yOu
did .villi it V
?I'ut it in tll? -1 lit-biii, sir;' rop-a'el.
Thanns, in a low but distinct voice
|The boy's inad.' muttered liygravo
Why,' he o mti m -1 i i a lo id voio ?, ? I
k.iw \ou post it yourself, at Icasi I saw
you i aim ?st up t ? t!i ? pill ir b ?x a id
' i lio wrt ng pillar box, .-ir. please,' i i
torrupted Tno?ias with a moan.
?tloid gracious;!1 i'jarod l>v:r.ivo.
st ilting uplr?:nli s scat and clenching
!ii- li-i, 'yotl don't m an (o say you pot
it in-'
^'<s. sir yes,' said Thorn is with foir
fill eagernc.hs, an 1 itppr ?aolling us il l ?
meet rather than avoid the impending
blow?-in the jilllir bix where th'-J rub
i-!i i- put1.'
' you've sp)ilt my iyh >1 ? lifo, Th ? u is,'
said liygravii liorsely. 'What d'ye think
you deserve'/'
'Kiilin,' :ir. kilbn,' r mooii 1 ? 1 Tho n
a<, with a sobj but with an honest, fear
less look into his muster's face; -that'*
what 1 de.-erve.
? Then c <u-i lor yourself killed, my
boy,' rojoiiie 1 liygrayej "vitli a s.ul s-.uilc
iiucloiichiiig hii li-i, and laying his
hand on tho boy's ?h oldIt was
more my fit tilt tltuii yours I c never oc
curretl to nie th .t uiiyb > ly could mistake
miu lor i he other: but I might to have
recollect e i 'liat. you wore qui o a strtin
ger, and might never huvc seen what
the'struct orderly bins' wore mod for.
And when I come to think of it, they
are rather like the letter boxes. It's
all right. Tlumus; jou may go'
And, sighing heavily, Uygravo sat
down and w jit. Don't think n mi am
ly or uuphiloMjphicul of him. lie bid,
al any rate, ju-l behaved as phileSophi.
Ca'lly toward Thanns a; the groat Sir
Isaac toward Diamond.
Bill it must be acknowledged that-I he
wi'oug pillar b >x' has established etui
uns relations between three people, who
are liable to meet pretty frequently in
society.? Chambers Journal,
Too Poor to Take a Paper.
Moore, of Llio Rural New Yorker,
was silting in his oflicc one afternoon
? mo years ago. when a furnier friend
came in and said:
Mr. Moore, I like your pnper, but
limes are so bard I eaun it pay lor it:'
Is tbat so. friend Soncs? I'm very
sorry to b rar that you aro so poor; if
you arc so bar I ran I ivill givo you my
paper.'
'Oh; no, I cannot take \i as a gift,'
'Well, then, let's sec how wc can fix
it. You raise chickens, 1 believe? '
'Yes, a lev-, but they don't bring any
tiling hardly .'
?Don't they? Neither docs my pa
pore si anything hardly. Now, 1 have
a proposition to make to you. 1 will
continue y ?ur pap an 1 wh m you go
b en ? you may sole :t, fro u your lot one
| chick in an 1 call licr mine. 'J'.iko g>>l
car.; of b >r and bring in; tho proceeds,
whether in eggs or chickum, and wc
call it square.'
'All right, brother Mooro,' and tin
(' How chuckl ;d at wli it be thought a
capital bargain* lie kept tho contract
strictly, and at th ; end of lb ? year he
found tint be bad ptid four prices for
his paper. He often tells the joke him
selfj aad lie nev it had the lac i t > s:iy he
was to poor to take a piper since- that
day.
-nnaxTSSG? ? * ? ortiv^.- .
T b _ia I ? understand your Inngutig<j
better,' sail icy French friend, Mr,
A reo art, to me; but your verbs trouble
me still, you in is then) up SO with your
? r. po-ition,.'
?I am sotry you find them so trouble
some,' was all 1 c mid say.
?I suA' our friend, Mrs. Janus, just
now'M:o continued: 'She says she iu
tends to break down housekeeping. Am
I right there T
?afe'.''!'kyM> ?^??H^JC^.'*ilc> ,nmt
?(>. yes, 1 remember: break up house
keeping.'
'Why does she do that?' I" asked.
'Because her health is so broken in
to.'
{Broken down, you should say'
i 'Broken down?oh! yes. And, in
; deed, since the small p ?x his broken up
in mi ? city?'
'Uro';en out?'
'.She thiu'vs she will leave it for a
few weeks.'
'Will she leave h sr ho no alone?'
?No; she is afraid it will be broken ?
br ken?how da 1 say that ?'
? Bicken int ?.'
'Certainly; that is what 1 mcaut to
s'y.' "
'is bar son to be married s mi ?'
?No. the engagement is broken?bro
k ni ?'
'Broken off'
? Yes; broken off*'
'She is very sorry about it. Her son
only broke tho nows down t > lur last
week. Am 1 right lam so anxious
to spc :k Knglish well.
'He merely broke the news; no prep )
sitioii this lime.'
'It i- bard to on bestand. 'I'll it
young ni iu. her son, is a line lollaw??a
breaker I thing.'
'A broker, und a very line felloe.
I ft nod day.' So much for the verb 'to
break.'
New Probabilities.
When you see a man going lnme at
two o'eloek in the morning and know
bis wile i> waiting lor him, it is likely
to be stormy.
When a man receives a bill for goods
his wife 1ms bought unknown to him,
look out lor thunder and lightning.
When a man goes home and finds no
supper ready, the lire out. and his wife
vi. nine the saloons "with the rest of the
boys,' It is likely to be cloudy.
When a man promises to take his
wife to party, und changes his min i
after she is droisod, you in ly exp^ot a
shower. '
When a man savo3 his cigar inonoy
to buy his wife a new bonnet a d the
children new shoos, it indicates a spoil
of sunshine.
W hen a man dies and leaves a nice
young willow with plenty of money
and you see her walking out with the,
executor on Sunday afternoon, a change
is imminent.
How to out hid or Rats and
Mice.? We got rid of rats by putting
potash in their holes and runs. The
poor wrotchos g t it on their feet and
Over thoir fur, then they lick it, and
do not like the tasto oi' it; it burns thorn
somewhat, and the more they see of it
tho less they like it; so they clear out
almost l8 soon as the application is m id a
To ;:<'*? rid of mice we use tartar-erne tic
mingled with any favorite laid; they
tako it, take sick and take their leave.
_- tnr
About WOUiOll?Mou.
. Engaged lor every set?A bou. f
Children fed on New York milk re
quire no chalk mixture..
The Lie formed Synod has ?eoidod not
to unite with the Presbyterian church.
The art of Book keeping taught in
one short and easy iossou ?never load
them.
It is true that one swallow doesn't
make a .summer, but it comes summers
near it.
A yonng man's affections are not
al ways wrong, but they are generally
mispla:cd.
'Is it those dead lettcr3 that' smell so
so bad,' says my wife to me as no pas3ed
the Post office.
A baker has invented a new kind of
yeast It makes bread so light that a
pound of it weighs only four ouacc3.
'Sally,' said a lover to his intended,
'give us a kiss, will you?' 'No, I shan't
said Sally; 'help yourself
A man in San Vraneisco has boldly
started the theory that it hurts a China
man to bo stoned to death.
A Pelcwarc obituary; 1II is hat wasn't
al-.vays cockc 1 over tho loft oar,
but be didn't owe a butcher in toi7u.'
'lie has left a void that cannot bo
cusi'y filled, as the Bank director touch
ingly rc:narkcd of the absconding cash
ier.
j A Yankee wanted the Bridge of
! Sighs pointed out to him' and then of
,'erred to bet America bad several brid
ges twice the size.
An old lady, bcariug somebody say
'The nails are very irregular,' 'It was
just so in my young days, no trusting
any of 'ear'
A Kentucky geutleman didn't get
mad until be bad been called a 'liar'
eighty one times. Tho monotony of
the thing 'riled' bim.
? Tho last littiegirl who has hoped' her
iW^y to glory is a daughter of Dennis
*lalcney.-of AuuuLl.'u, ??b" rJ.j...r J. ill ?
times and then died.
The Right Hon. Benjamin Disraeli's
constitutes have presented hint with tho
exact sum which he spent in securing
his election, 51G 15s.
A Western member of Congress who
interpreted M. C. to mean Moro Cur
rency, was made to understand that it
me tut Mighty Corrupt.
One pint of whisky cost a jury in
Sullivans III , about 8 *00 the other day
eleven jurors having been "fined by a fo
roct??s judge ?25 each for drinking in a
jury room.
Last year farmers of Guthrio county,
Iowa, burned their corn becau3Q . they
couldu't sell it. Now they travel miles
to purchase it, and pay half a dollar a
bushel for it to feed their horses.
'i here is not a man, woman or child
in this house who has arrived at thcage
of fifty years but has felt the truth thun
d o ing through their mini* far co ltu
ties.'
Women have many advantages over
men: one of them is, that his will has
no operation till he is dead, whoro as
bur's generally takes place in her life
time.
There are two reasons why'more peo
ple don't mind their own business.
One is that they haven't any business,
and the other is that they haven't any
mind.
Eli Love of Wayne County, Ohio,
el im cd a tree to shako out a coon. Tho
dogs heard .something drop and went
for it but it was not tho coon. It was
ICH.
?You have played the deuce with my
heart,' said a geutlemm to a Indy, who
was his partner iu a social game of whist
at an evening party. 'Well,' replied
the lady with an archp smile, 'it was
because you played tho knave.'
The lh\sl photographer has openol
his saloon in Truckoo, Nevada, and has
been shot at by a miner who insisted on
having his picture taken by Jhnip light
ns be was going away early in tho tnora
iug.
An old clergyman spyingj* boy creop
ing through the fence oxolainnd.
? What! crawling through tho fence!
I'igs do that.' 'Yo3,' rotortal tha b>y,
'and old hogs go along the street.'
A young^nian who has recently ta
ken a wile, says be did 4not find it half
so bard to get married as bo did to got
the furniture; and when it oarao to get
ting the bread and b Itter bo .had to fall
back upon the old folks.
A formal fashionable visitor thus
addressing a little girl; "Uowaro you,
my dear?' 'Vory well I thank you,'
she replied. The visitor thou addod,
'Now my. dear, you should ask mo hotr
I am.' The child simply and honestly
replied, 'I-don't wautflto know.'