The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, May 28, 1913, Image 6
BOSSINGJOWSER
Hie Raftor Half I avs Hnwn the
isiw wiivi .1 mu j w w .
Law, and Then Some.
THEY HAVE A STRAIGHT TALK.
But Mr. B. Never Intended It to End
the Way It Did?He Discovers Who's
' Who In the House and Wonders Who
He Is?The North Wind Answers.
By M. QUAD.
[Copyright, 1913, by Associated Litecary
Press.]
WHAT ailed Bowser?
At the office they asked
if he was ill.
On the street car men
who knew him said that he was fading.
At his lunch place the waiter asked
to be remembered in his will.
His plumber looked after him and
sadly shook his head.
His butcher said that be should miss
him.
Yes, something ailed Mr. Bowser. For
three or four days he had been cros6
and grumpy and faultfinding, and,
while Mrs. Bowser frad tried to gloss
things over, she knew that an outbreak
was about due and prepared herself
accordingly. All husbands break
out once in so often. It is said to be
caused by the liver, but it may be the
intont fMissAdness Iurkinsr in the best
of men and periodically boiling over.
When he reached home from the office
the other evening she knew that the
hour had come. He came scuffling
along the street, kicked the gate, opened
and entered the hall with a bang.
He was welcomed in the usual fashion,
bnt sulked all through dinner. When
told that a teamster had fallen from
his wagon in front of the house that
afternoon and had broken his neck the
sews brought only a "Humph!" in reply.
<lt was only on their return to the
^sitting room that be started the ball
Foiling by saying:
"Mrs. Bowser, I don't wonder that
some husbands take to drink."
"Tbere is no rope around you if you
want to take a drink!" she at once re
plied.
"What? What's that? Woman. <lon"t
stick your chin up at me. How I have
Stood the way you have run this house
lf ; '*1 KXOW YOU VERY WELL, STR."
for the last fifteen years is a mystery
to me. I propose to have a straight
talk with you this evening.''
He Is Criticised.
"Thai's what I have been looking
forward to for some'time. I want to
tell you as a starter that I'm not at all
satisfied with the way you conduct
yourself."
"What!" shouted Mr. Bowser as the
red came to his face. "I>o you criticise
my conduct?"
"I certainly do. sir. Not long since
you brought a tonic into this house.
Yo i claimed it was for your rheuma
tisin. You have no rheumatism. It's
sitting around in your stocking feet
that ails you. and I want you to quit
it. You brought in that tonic and
drank a quart of it and became intoxicated.
Yes. sir. you couldn't walk
across the room, and you kept asking i
me. 'Whaz zer mazzer?" If you propose
to have a straight talk with me
this evening, let's talk about that!"
"By thunder, woman, am I asleep or
awake? Do you dare address such
words to me. your husband?"
"I do sir One of the water nines
(Town cellar is leaking. Who busted it?
Why did you go down there and hit it
with the ax? You talk about how this
house is run. but who broke that pane
of glass in the shed window? Did you
deliberately smash it with one of the
clothes poles in order to spite me?"
"Are you speaking to me?to me?"
gasped Mr.*Bowser as he walked about
and cast furtive glances at her.
"To you. sir!'' she answered. "This
Is about the time of year when you
l>egiu to hiut around that we ought to
have a new milk cow. Let me tell 3*011
that if you iuvest in one I'll break her
neck. I won't stand by to see our
money squandered that way."
"Squandered! I squander on r money!"
And Then Some.
"Certainly. But yon have come to
the end of your rope at last. The other
morning I save you scuffling around in
the snow in the back yard. After hunting
for half an hour you may have possibly
picked up five or six clothespins
that some boy had thrpwn at our cat.
You can carry them around in your
hind pocket as mementoes. The cigar
on tile mantel cost 10 cents. That
> would buy four or five dozen clothespins.
Go out and scuff some more if
you will."
"But it wasn't two weeks ago that I
got a new oatmeal disk, and yesterday
I found it with a hole in it"
"Did you take a pickax and make the
hole? That dish was bought three
mouths ago and is all right yet. What
you found was the old one. Perhaps 1
could find you one with two holes in it
if I should look around. Why don't
you say that 1 burn gas in the daytime
to help send you to the poorhouse?"
"You do, and you know you do," he
exclaimed.
"You had better have your head examined.
Two weeks ago you were out
to a club when I went to bed. I don't
know at what hour you came in. but
wheu I came downstairs next morning
I found three burners blazing away.
A week ago I went to bed and left you
reading. You followed after an hour
and left three burners illuminating the
limisp Don't talk about wasting gas
to me."
"What! I mustn't talk to you! By
thunder, woman, have you gone crazy?
Do you know who I am?"
"I know you very well, sir," said
M15. Bowser in answer, "and we are
having a square talk. You were finding
fault the other day about how fast
the furnace coal went and you threw
out a hint that I must be selling a portion
of it. Such an idea is nonsense,
and you know it. You alone are to
blame. You come home and dive down
cellar the first thing and shovel a quarter
of a ton of coal in. You think you
know all about running a furnace, but
as a matter of fact you know nothing
at all. I want you to keep away from
it for the rest of the winter."
"You?you are talking this to me?"
he asked as he sat down and moistened
his dry lips with his tongue.
"Yes. sir, straight to you. The other
night you found a tramp at the door,
and because I wouldn't give him anything
to eat you went on for an hour
about my stony heart. I want to hear
nothing more in that line. Cut off
your cigars and wine and leave the
money in the house to be given out
to tramps. I shall give or not, just as
I elect."
"But I am telling you"?
"Never mind what you are telling!
You have always meddled more or less
with the help problem. I want you to
stop it. I know more in a minute about
managing a girl than you know in a
year. Wben I fail with one you may
butt in."
Mrs. B. Lays Down the Law.
''But you never have any pity for
them, but the cold cash, the same as
you are. We have had five girls quit
us in the last year, and it was all owing
to your hen "hussy ways. Each
one has told me so. Tbey don't want
and won't have you lollylopping around
the kitchen and telling bow sorry you
are that they cau't be seated in the
rkortni* nlnvirv .hi t?i/* ninno T ?flv I
K4*4 ,V4 i"~.' ' ?C* K
want you to quit it!*'
Mr. Bowser turned its white as snow,
ami his knees .save way under him a*
he rose up.
"AikI this finding fault with yonr
meals has sot to come to a sudden
stop.'* continued Mrs. Bowser. "If yon
vdon't like what I provide for the table
give me more money and we'll live on
the rarest luxuries. 1 have only so
much per week to buy with, and if I
spend a dime extra there is a hwwl
from you. You most out it out. There
are boarding houses in plenty down
the street."
"And this is Mrs. Bowser, and she is
talking to me!" he gasped as he looked
at the eat and then around the room
to see if he had possibly made any mistake.
There was a moment's silence
and then Mrs. Bowser continued:
"You were speaking about putting in
two evenings a week at your clubs.
You never attend one of them that
von don't r-onie home at least S.~> worse
of! in pocket, and on some occasions
you have dropped as high as $15 at
poker. In the first place you don't
know the game. and in the next we are
going to the theater once per week
during the rest of the season. You can
cut ??ut one of your clubs."
He Is Worried.
".Mrs. Bowser." he whispered as he
looked a hit scared, "and I am Mr.
Dowser'/*'
"You surely are."
"The Dowser who runs things?"
"No. sir. You are tlie Bowser whose
wife runs things. There's a new deal
011 hand. Perhaps you had better take
a walk and think things over. You
look as if your mind was all tied up in
knots."
Mr. Bowser walked down the hill
like one in a dream and put on his hat
and overcoat. Then he went out and
walked up and down. Men spoke to
him, and boys threw snowballs at him
from across the street, but with lowered
eyes and bent head he continued
to walk. The snow crunched under
his feet, the north wind blew, and tl*e
"* "? * ' -< i - *. ^ 11.l .,1
<ioa(i mil us or me snaue irws i.iuieu
against each other over his heiul, but
he walked and walked and whispered
to himself.
"If I am Mr. Itowser what am I doing
here*3 If J am not then what lias
become of him and who the devil
am TV"
And tin north wind sighed and
, moaned and seemed to echo the words.
"Who the devil am IV"
The Man.
They offered a beautiful woman the
choice of all the kinds of lovers that
ever were.
"If you can't sort him out," she said,
"give me the man whom my children
<^or? *?oll 'FTnl hoi-' wittimif lfinohinc
j The Antidote.
Pessimist.
Willie?Paw, what is domestic science?
Paw?Paying 1U12 prices for things
i out of a 190G salary, my sou.?Cincinnati
Enquirer.
? <? ?W|T
TheLlVo Glasses.
Thrresat two glasses filled to the
brim,
On a rich man's table, rim to rim,
A?,d was rodf y and red as bio .d,
And unfc a* clear as the crystal flood.
Saio the glass tf wine to the^pal-r
brother:
"Let ns rel! the tales of the past to
each other;
I can teli of banquet and*jevtl and
icirib,
And the proudest and grandest souls
on earth
F. 11 ui:dt r my touch as though stuck
by blighr,
T * i) . L i * i rv fr\w* T ??n i ii
VY ill A i; J. W a.3 1 VJA i 1 IUCU 111
might,
From the heads of Kings I?have torn
?tthe crown,
From], the heights of^ fame I ?have
hurled men cIowd; _
I have blasted many an Honored name;
I have taken virtue and given shame;
I have tempted the youlh'with a 8?p
at89te,
That has made his fortune a barreD
waste
Far greater than king am I,
Or than any army beneath the sky.
I have made the arm 1 of the driver
fall,
And set the train from the iron rail; '
I have made good ships go down
at sea,
And the shrieks of the lost were
sweet to me;
For they said, 'Behold,I howj great
you be!
Fame, strength, wealth, genius before
,|&3 you fall,
For your mighty and power are^orer
all.'
Ho! he, pale brother,'' laughed the
v wine,
"Can ycu boast of deeds as great as
mine ?"
Said the water glass. "I cannot boast
Of a king dethroned or a murdered
host;
But I can tell of hearts once sad
By my crystal drops made light and
glad
Of thirsts I've quenched, of brows I've
laved;
Of hands I cooled and souls I have
saved;
I have leaped ^through the vallev,
dasbed^down the mountain,
Flowed in the river and played in the
fountain,
Slept in the sanshineffand dropped
frotn the'sky
And everywhere gladdened the landscape>nd
eye;
I have eased theghot|forehead of fever
and pain,
I have made fctliefTparched meadows
grow fertile with grain,
I can tell of the powerful wheele of
the'mill,
That ground out the flour and turned
at my*'will;
I can tell of manhood, debased by yon,
That I lifted up aud crowned anew;
I cheer, I help, I stehgthen and aid,
I I help to rescue*the*fallen maid,
I set the chained wine-captive free,
And all are better;fcr knowing me.''
These are the tales they told each
other,
The glass of wine and the paler
brother.
As they sat together filled to the
brim, \
On a rich man's table, rim to rim.
i Exchange.
HARD COLDS I
When they first come, the best time to
break them up. One standard remedyAVer's
Cheery Pectoral.
So id for 70 years.
Ask Your Doctor. t?n{?esSSai
! IP.* : v x x i < .'*& \
: C?" > vt;v!cjJ|
u- /
\\
x- -
' iljtisi (( :>!j \'i> Y
I c s r 1
Immhwlt T amai aJ
THE MOST COMPLETE LINE WE
HAVE EVER SHOWN IN
HARNESS,
SADDLES,
COLLARS,
BRIDLES,
ROBES,
HORSE
BLANKETS,
ETC.
Wo have a soccial home-made slip
i Harness for one-horse wagon at
j $5.00.
A Set of Buggy Harness for
$10.00.
We buy Hides, Furs, Tallow, Beeswax j
<' and pay highest market prices.
j Wilse W. Martin, j
1116-1118 Plain Street,
j COLUMBIA - S. O.
I Kill a falsehood by Jetting it in-.
WOMAN COULD
llflT IUIII If
nui nnu\
She Was So 111?Restored to
Health by Lydia E. Pinkham's
Vegetable
Compound.
Per.twater, Mich. ? "A year ago I was
very weak and the doctor said I had a
serious displaceache
aud bearing
down pains so bad
that 1 coulci not s:t
^ ^ IPS *n a chair or walk
IBS ^ /Jlliffi across the floor and
ilililiik^ Jill I was in severe pain
a'^ ^me# * fe*t
discouraged as I had
'//( I ( V/M ^a^en everything I
v' ( / /jiiil could think of and
????????I was no better. I
began taking Lyaia E. Pinkham's Vegetable
Compound and now I am strong
and healthy."?Mrs. Alice Darling,
R.F.D. No. 2, Box 77, Pentwater, Mich.
Read What AnotherWoman says:
Peoria, 111.?"I had such backaches
that I could hardly stand on my feet. I
would feel like crying out lots of times,
and had such a heavy feeling in my right
side. I had such terrible dull headaches
every day and they would make me feel
so drowsy and sleepy all the time, yet I
could not sleep at night.
"After I had taken LyaiaE.Pinkham's
Vegetable Compound a week I began to
improve. My backache was less and
that heavy feeling in my siae went
away. I continued to take the Compound
and am cured.
" You may publish this if you wish."
?Miss Clara L. Gauwitz, R.R. No. 4,
Box 2, Peoria, 111.
Such letters prove the value of Lydia
E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound for
woman's ills. Why dea't yen try it?
Winthrop College
SCHOLARSHIP and ENTRANCE
EXAMINATION
The examination for the award of
vacant scholarships in Winthrop College
and for the admission of new
students will be held at the County
Court House on Friday, July 4, at 9.
a. m. Applicants must be not less
than sixteen years of age. When
Scholarshipsjire vacant after July 4
they will be awarded to those making
the highest average at this examination,
provided they meet the con
/.fttrorninor flip award Ar?r>7i_
Qibious ?rr-*
cants for Scholarships should write to
President Johnson before the examination
for Scholarship examination
blanks.
Scholarships are worth $100 and free
tuition. The next session will open
September 17, 1913. For further information
and catalogue, address Pres.
D. B. Johnson, Rock Hill, S. C. td
Sweetl Potato Plants
Tomato, Pepper, Cabbage, etc., choicest
flowering and ornamental plants
for the front yard.
Flowers, plants, bulbs and seeds
shipped everywhere.
Rose; [Hill Greenhouses
Phone 43.HColumbia, S. C,
Cut out the fizz and fus9 and fill ^up
on zeaPand zest.
I
I
j We Havi
I \fCDV
If bl\ I
A]
Some Chi
Studebaker
Hahpnp.k nnH
V/WAA MfMVIi ,
Our|guarante
Greg
| HARMON'S SN
Oxford's Jk
The very ^
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in Toes and
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arriving
evir 1725 MAIN
and see ? t ,,
rfliimhia.
JI LIiClIl. vv??...w.?,
i ' ^ '
Before buying come
Improved Champi<
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1101 Gervais Street. Phone 2
; mq and are now ready to serve our Lexii
81 Shoes at the lowest prices in all
(3) points we were careful in selectinj
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VR %y
e a Large Numbc
BEST M
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ie means something.
ory-Conder Mul<
COLUMBIA, S. C.
"Our Guarantee Means Something"
IOE STORE]
We invite
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CTRFFT ,we can
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Come and
Sr see if we *
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h
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fc# I lflUVIIIIIV0l
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? ? a.
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igton friends with the best 9
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