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I ^THE^ | " ~ 7 ADVERTISING PATES. BEST ADVERTISING MEDIUM ^ f W~^ |\T IV T T^fCFl A TV^ l-l ? ~>H [ Hh LrbXIINvJ I (JIN UlbrA 1 tn.=~i _ jB&l. -Ma*. JA. 1 """Af i j to a(jver,i8t, for ^ree, six aui twelv# RATES REASONABLE. | n:o;lths. q I - j - " ? ~~ __ Notices in the local coin inn 10 cents per I SUB3CR1PT^!ERANOTMi VOL. XXVI. LEXINGTON, S. C., SEPTEMBER 30, 189G. NO. 4C>. " JOR PRIV'TIVC J XPWIIHTV. I c,. m. harmax, alitor. itmnnnp?m???omi^iwi ic?mne? pitj JL mm ?hu.ct?11? w \J 1/ I Kill I 1.1 VI 11 U& UVIilU I I I Hon. B. L Casghman. A Man in "Whose Prominence All j Lexington is Proud. Salr.du Adv? cate, B. L. Caughman was born iu Lex j ington County, Aug. 22, 1851 He j S is a son of Maitin Ciughman and ' Kesiah Wyse, a sister of the late : Capt Joe Wyse, who served the j public in old Edgefield county. Mr. | Ciughmans parents oa both sides ; were of German descent. When but a babe his father died, thus leaving ! the rearing and training of ten j I children, alone, to a widowed mother. | He spent his boy and young man- I hood among the old hills of Saluda J XT a movviA/^ \r lOO r> s Av I 11VC1* XXC UJ^l i 1CU Aixtcfcj X/* cock, Oct 27, 1875, and in the following January moved to Edgefield county, settling at Mt. Willing where he has lived ever since. ? Mr. Caughman was raised a i Luheran. but after moving to EdgeI field, no Lutheran church being near, was received by letter iuto the MtthoK dist church, and has taken an active P part in all church matters, as is j? shown by his being a delegate to the annual Conference at least two or r ^ | three times. While a member of the j [Methodist church he is broad and j liberal in his views, as an evidence he j was one of the organizers of the j Iuterdenominational Sunday School Convention in Edgefield county, and has never missed a single Convention. | As a business man and financier, he started in life without a dollar, j comparatively speaking. His only nrmnrfnnitv nf (-durational advantu T' L"~ J -- ges was due to his working and making his way one year to Pine Ridge Academy, and a part of ano- 1 other to Oak Grove academy, under j the tutorship of Prof. Schoenberg, | but has been for twenty years, and is now, a close student. He pui- I chased a part of the old Mt. Willing j \ tract of land, going in debt for 200 acres, which he worked and paid for j in three years. Then going in debt j 1 for 200 acres more, still addiDg until 2 he worked and paid for about 500 . acres of land, up to 1887. Ia the I meantime he never let any church or charitable institution suffer for want of help from him, he has always ! t made it a rule never to turn even a 1 tramp away from his door, but en- j tertained the best he could. HIS POLITICAL CAREER. < When a young man he followed J his elder brother, Capt. A H. Caugh j man, and many other brave men, in i eradicating radicalism from LexiDg- | 1 fnn rvmntv. and in 187G he was a j ' member of the Mount Willing Red- ] skirt company and followed the gallant Mart Gary iu routing Repub j ; licanism from the State. He was ! elected to the House of Represents- j tives from Edgefield county in 1804 on first ballot a3 a Reformer. He was always found at the post of duty working for reform and the best interest of the whole people. He was an ardent worker for Saluda County, j both in 18S4 and 1895. He met : with the Constitutional Convention and worked both night and day for ten days until the county was ob- ! tained. He was made Commissioner of Saluda county by the Convention, and has ever worked for the best in- ; terest of the whole people in organiz- ; ? ing our new county. Believing in white supremacy alone, he was elected a delegate to the Nat. Bern, j C >n. in Cuicago iu 1896, and was an : enthusiastic worker for W. J. Bryan j as our standard bearer of the Democratic party of the United States, j He was elected by a nice majority in : the primary, with five good men in the field, thus showing the confi . dence the people of Saluda had in | him. He has been an Allianceman ; from its introduction into the State, j though could not enter as a charter member on account of being en | gaged in the mercantile business at the time. He sold to the Alliance i for twelve months at a smaller per ' cent than any other merchant. At ; the close of 1890 he came out of the j mercantile business and identified I himself with the Alliance aod is now an ardent worker, and serving as I president of Mt Willing Alliance and has never failed to meet since its ^ organization. Mr Caughman never boasts of ancestry, but is proud to be called a commoner and is never ashamed to be classed with the common people: one of whom he is and of which he j is proud. Snatched From Death. Cold Water, Ala , Mar. 11, 1802. j My little child bad the dropsy for j two years. We had tried various 1 remedies aDd the most prominent physicians in the country but to no ; avail. We commenced tbe use of St. ; Joseph's Liver Regulator aDd she is j now as healthy as anv child. T. P. W. BROOCS, M D. V F..r fu:ther information call on J. E. Kaufl'manu's drug store and get a copy of St. Joseph's Four Seasons j Almanac. 36 re THE PEOPLE We Extend to Yoi to Visit On AND SEE THE MOST ( ITS THE ! CLOT! The coming week we will offer scm 00 Men's Cassimere Suits at $2.90, wori 00 Men's Cassimere Suits at ?3.90, wor |.')0 MeD's Cassimere Suits, all wool, at fj MIMNAUGH'S I 2ITFTPUFRTVV M Oil AT) JJL1 U X VXi.Xi . a/ x in v-/ , How Mr. Pcritlus Did It. ' He was a young man about 25 years ' >f age, and he wore a broad brim hat, iong hair and buckskin loggings. In his aelt he had two guns and a knife, and From the buttonholes of his vest dangled 1 bear claws. He stood thus on the platForm as the train rolled in, and he was showing oil at a great rate when one cf the passengers walked up to him with pencil and notebook in hand and said: "Isame, please." "My name? I am called Sioux Bill, sir." "Sicux Bill, eh? Didn't know but what it was Baly Bill or Sweet William. Occupatiou, if you please." "Indian fighter, sir." "Oh, ohl I wouldn't have believed it. Thought you run a greenhouse or a dairy. What's your object in wearing such clothes ai\d carrying those guns?" "Who in are you?" demanded the awful Indian fighter as he turned on the other. "Perkins?Mistah Perkins," was the reply. "And what do you want of me?" "Just to look you over. Let's see! Sinn* Bill. Indian lighter, guns and bear claws and leggings. Does not run a greenhouse cr dairy. Uiu! Urn! Have you ever fired a pistol, sir?'' "W-what?" shouted the other. "Never fool with a pistol/' said Mr. i Perkins. "Lets of people have betn hurt that way. Do you wish to sell those bear claws? If so, I will buy them for my baby brotlnr. Those leg- j gings might come in handy when I go hunting for frogs. My dear fellow, how much for the whole outfit?" "You?yon blamtd fishworm! But do you know hew near death you are?" j howled Sioux Bill as he danced around. "Don't?don't do it," replied Mr. Perkins. "It's bad for the health. There, now, sit down on this truck and calm yourself. That's the way. There's a lot of passengers admiring you, and you have an excellent pose. Keep it up. I knew the sort of a man you were at a glance, but I won't give you away. Dangle the bear claws and hitch your gun around. That's it?that's the style. I'll see ycu later when I've had a bite to cat. Ta ta, William! De-n't disturb the pose." But William did. He got xtp and vanished down the platform, and as the train pulled out we saw hint hiding between two salt barrels. It Was It is brother Sam. ^ -1 -- ? ~ nfi.ituivml PillllO VUC UiJJ J* miiu mi.uinn,. -- along to cur camp at Cedar Bend, and " after looking around for awhile he said to Jim Taylor, who was then the recognized boss of the camp: "I suppose you hang a man here now and then?" "Oh, certainly," replied Jim. "Vis, we take pleasure in hangin a man at intervals." "You hung one about the middle of last June, I believe?" "Let's see. Middle cf last June? Yes, sir, we hung a critter at that time. I had the honor of kiekin the uarT out from undi r him myself. Was he a | friend of yours?" "Mehbe he was. Did he resemble me in looks:" "Waul, now, ccine t<? lake a straight squint at you, I should say ho did. Ho had your eyes and hair, and I should say his nose was a brother to yours. 1 don't want to press things, Lut if he was a relashun of yours you needn't feel at all delikit about,savin so." "Did he give his lirst name as Sam?" "Yes, he did." "And the last nauie as Baker?" "That's it. I've got it writ down on n took in ruy shanty." F OF LG\ll(i I Oil: I! an Invitation r Stores. COMPLETE EKNE U* ^ i ? i 1 GOODS SOUTH. IIN6. e big values in Fine Clothing. th 85 00. I th $7 00. 3( 55 00. worth 88.00 and 80.00. I G( COLUMBIA. S. WF V M VF V H wmm mwj ? "Then he "was a brother of mine?my ' rr mly brother," said the stranger in a , -L roice which shook a little. "Would it j be agin custom to ask what you hung h< him for?" | "Oh, no, no! He picked up a'back i load of property belongin to one of the ' boys and was makin off when we cotch- Jl Bd him." "Give him a trial?" "Fur sure." "Did he say much?" "Not very much. Jest observed he was might v glad he was goin to git shet ff of this keutry." J ^ "And he died happy?" | cc "Reasonably so, stranger?reasonably *c happy. Yes, wc all remarked that he seemed to look upon it as a change fur 9^ the Letter and that he fc-lt. tolerable 3l sartin of reacliin a climate whar it wouldn't make any difference if he ** went outdoors some morniii and forgot u his overcoat. So it was ycur brother?" "Yes." i 0 "Kin I say anythin to comfort you, ^ stranger?" I ^ "N-o, I don't know as you kin." slow- ' u ly replied the man. "I was jest pass in ? on my way to White Hill, and I thought , ^ I'd stop and see if it really was Sam. I might take a drink if ycu hev a bottle handy." "Sartinly. Heresheis. Don't stint yerself." "Thanks; (hat's good. Aud in the; midst of life we are iu death. Kinder j sorry you hung ?am, but I reckon it had j to be, and you can say to the boys that \ I ain't kickin. I take the road to the j left, don't I? Waal, so long." M. Quad. It is not uusuul for druggists to recommend Chamberlain's Cough Itemedy to their customers. Many of them have used it themselves, or j ^ in their families and know from 1 personal experience its great value i in the treatment of coughs, colds j 1 t and croup. They know too that their | ' customers are their best friends and ! < naturally wish to give them the most reliable medicine they have for those , ailmeuis. Messrs. Daugberty Bros., j : prominent druggists of Indiana, Pa., , . say, "We sell more of Chamberlain's ' ; Cough Kemedy than of any other ! : cough syrup, and always take pleas- j ' ure in recommending it to our cusomers."' Mr. II. M Urey, the popu- ! lar druggist at Fredonia, Pa., who has sold Chamberlain's Cough Remedy o / for several years, says: k I can truly j say that, it is the best cough medi i ciue in the market." For sale at 25 and 50 cents per bottle by J. E. Kaughman, Lexington F. W. Oswalt, Barre's Oswalt ?& Son, Irene ^ Not Worth Any More. "A baby was sold in New Jersey the I Other day for GO cents." "Wt>lL l minnose the uiosouitos had been gnawing 011 it all suminor.?Chi- 1 ( ago Record. A Vernatile Man Wanted. Iii u .Sydney newspaper lately there was this advertisement: "Wanted?A man able to teach French and the piano and to look after the bull. "?Tit-Bits. j Would Tell Hiui Later. First. Boy (fo second boy, who has I j j t been iishing)?Catch anything? Second Boy?I haven't been home yet.?Baltimore Life. ALL C \ 5 f. Vv> \ \ CLOU 111 the finest makes brought to this cc )0 Knee Pants Suits, 81 48, worth 83 )0 Knee Pants, the 50 cents kind, at '2 C. 'HE ARIZONA KICKER OW THli EDITOR STANDS ON THE | JSSUES OF THE DAY. I m R'! eeler'u Call a Failure?A Warning j to Major Hanks?The Editor Held Up, i but Willing to Admit It ?Had a Good j Thing, but Didn't Know It. I The mayor of this town (who is onr- j If) was sitting in his office in the city i all last Tuesday afternoon when a [ iwboy named Jim Wheeler att< mptcd \ ) ride his cayuse up the main stairway ! ) make an official call. Jim had a bet i f $23 that he would ride in on us and j imp his critter over our desk, but he j >st the wager. Hearing the racket on j le stairs we sailed out, and two mill- j tes later Mr. Wheeler and his cayiv-c 'ere tangled up iu a heap in the middle f the street. He shot at us three times j uring the performance, but no cue was j it by the bullets. The horse was able j 3 limp away, but the man from Big :i j Lanch still lingers in town under the octor's care. His jaw and two hds j BEGAN SHOOTING THE 1 IN DISHES. j vere broken and be was badly bruised, j iut we are glad to learn that he was lot fatally injured. His honor the j uayor is a good natured man and docs jot aflect any particular dignity, but :he man who wants to see him on official business at his office must leave his ;ayuse in the street below. About tho Campaign. The Kicker is in receipt of a number | af communications asking about its pol- j icy in the coming campaign, and we will answer all in one. This paper is independent in politics, religion, poetry, j agriculture and everything else. No i railroad corporation dictates, and no j syndicate pays its bills. If we wanted to weave a crown of laurels for Captain Kidd or pitch into the memory of * * 1 ? ? 1,1 George Washington, no ouismcj. wumu have to bo consulted. In supporting one candidate wo shall not pitch into another. In this world of change no man can tell who is coming out on top, and if it happens to be the man you've pitched into your position is made somewhat embarrassing for several years subsequent. We have no decided opinions regarding silver or the tariff, but we do stand pat on the question of the Monroe doctrine. If necessary, let us go to war to support it, but during the continuance of said war wc shall be found at the old stand, as heretofore. The campaign speaker who strikes this town and starts in to lie about any of the candidates will have to leave the hall by a back window and got under cover of the woods live minutes lattr. ? - - 1,.,-,, truth titifl poker -fiS it JJ'. i j;ic >?<.: A aud insist 011 a square deal. A Word to Major Hank*. For the last month .Major Banks of this town lias be< 11 in the habit of mining into the posioflice several times a day and tiring a pistol through the general delivery window to attract the attention of the clerk who serves the public. While nobody lias been shot and the noise amounts to nothing, sueli actions serve to lessen the ditruitv which r~- v\ mi mntry. See our line before you buj". 00. 15 cent?. Mil should surround a postollicc, and we now warn the major that he must le t up. If he persists in his course, we shall esteem it our duty and privilege to return the lire and lay him up for a few weeks. If he wants to shoot at us while on the street, we have no objections; but, as the regular appointed postmaster, sitting in our private room in the postoffice, we demand respectful consid oration from the public. Any doctor around town will tell Major Banks that a bullet in the shoulder will keep him thinking for sove/al successive nights. | Wo Lay Down, Our esteemed contemporary down the street is out with a two column sensation regarding the little affair at the ' bank last Tuesday, and he lies in the most shameful and bold faced manner, j as usual. The facts in the case are as j follows: We had just left the bank, i after making a deposit of $200. As we ! reached the sidewalk a stranger, who i had been loaning against a telegraph pole, stepped forward and thrust the j muzzle of a gun within a foot of our nose and ordered us to throw up our i hands. Up they went. Under the circumstance: we were ready to throw up our hat. shoes, wallet and everything else we held dear on earth. The man ! gave us his private opinion of the editor of The Kicker (who is ourself), of the mayor (who is ourself), and the post- j master (who is ourself), and his lan- j guage was emphatic and to the point, i We hud little or nothing to say. We might have died the death of a hero, but we preferred to remain on earth. A large crowd assembled and witnessed our humiliation, but we remained passive and placid. When the cuss had had all the fun he wanted, he walked off. </? nifi ivr. Wo eot our suns its soon as possible and looked for liim, but he could not be found. There isn't the slightest question about our "laying down" before that stranger. We think we know when we have a good tiling. It was a good thing to "lay down" just then, and we entf red into it with a great ! dial of enthusiasm. Things may be different some day, but just at present we have very littl-r to say and would like to avoid the suoject altogether. He Was a Failure. A man who gave his name as Thomas Dayton registered at the Hotel Royal last Wednesday and entered the dining | room for dinner. He first made a kick | because there was no cloth on the table, I and next because the waiter couldn't I furnish him with a napkin. Then he ! wanted a coffee cup with a handle to it and socp in a bowl, and when given a knife without a handle he jumped up and began shooting the tin dishes full of holes. His fun was speedily interI ruptoil, however, and he wji< put out o. I the hotel and later on arreste d and fined j $20. The Royal hot* 1 is not a rival of i the Palmer house in Chicago or the Im| perial in New York. It is just a plain, ! everyday In tel, fiti 1 of ox-kroaciics nnt: ! mutton stew and the odor of <orn beef I and cabbage. Tablecloths and napkins i and crockery arc all right in their way and will reach us some day, but until they do it won't do any good to kick. When a man can sit down with his hut i on and eat his till for 50 cents and throw dishes at the waiter and cuss the land| lord as he pays his bill, he has got a good thing and ought to be satisfied j with it. M. Qiad. Bucklen's Arnica Salve. The l>est Salve in the world for Cuts, Bruises, Sores, Ulcers, Salt I Iilieu rn, Fever Sores, Tetter, Chapped Hands, Chilblains, Corns, and Skin Eruptions, and positively cures Piles or no pay required. It is guaranteed | to give perfect satisfaction or money j refunded. Price 25 cents per box. For sale at J. K. Kaultnian's. THIS WEEK WE WILE OF FEE SI dress aoons, .JliEEt.VER * V.iRPi Rk 10 Bales of Plaid Homepun 3c. 10 Bales Yellow Homespun, 3ic. 40 Pieces double width Cashmeres 40 i Fine quality Dress Goods, single widtl See oui Never in the history of the dry goods I power ti] 500 pairs Ladies* Fine Shoes, 75c. 300 pairs Ladies' Fine Shos, $100. Goods woith $1.75 and $2 now $1.50 All the best makes of Shoes CLOT! TO TIIE WHOLE: Visit our stores wlien you come tc war!WXT FOliGET TJ HUGH'S COL JtaMOHMII ? WWWWW?PWWMB Day Unt: Day Uttereth speech concerning the good being done by Hood's Sarsapai ilia. By the cures it is accomplishing, by the good health restored to men, women, children, Hood's Sarsaparilia wins its way more and more into the confidence of the people. Its army of friends tell of scrofulous aud impure blood made rich and pure, of the relief it gives from the i:chingand burning, of the satisfaction at meals experienced by the former dyspeptic, of the happiness J of those cured of malaria, rheuma- j tism, and catarrh, of excellent spirits and good appetite enjoyed by those recently weak, tired and run down it is by such results as these that Hood's Snrsaparilla makes its, hosts | * of friends and does its owu most effective adveitUing. Its record of cures and the good j it has done others arc sufficient to I warrant your giving thi.3 excellent ! medicine a trial. I Just Like & Woman. "Major, if you don't punish that boy, I will!" The words fell sternly from the lips j of Mrs. Domn, who was ruefully stir- j veying the wreck of her best reading lamp. "bob," said the major severely, "come here! Maria, have the room!" Mrs. Domn went into the dining room ; and shut the door to keep out the horrid sounds. "Whack, whack, whack!" from the major. "Wow! Oh, wow! I won't do it again!" from the hoy. "Whack, whack, whack! Now, will i you break lamp shades, you young whelp j of sataii?" "No-o! No-o!" sobbed Bobby. "Whack, whack, whack!" Mrs. Demo's ire by this time was quite evaporated. Again that dreadful slipper fell, and i again the air was rent with the yells of j tortured innocence. "Oh, major, stop!" "Not by a jugful. We're having a i splendid time in here. Whack, whack, whack!" Mrs. Domo could stand it no longer. "Stop it, you big brute!" she exclaimed, rushing into the apartment. Then she grew madder than ever. There, on his hands and j:wcs, was me iuaj<!r, galloping around on tho carper, while Bobby was larruping a slipper and giving v< nt to terrified cries cf woe. ?Chicago Dispatch. Cure or Headache. As a remedy for all forms of Head- I ache Electric Hitters has proved to I be the very best. It effects a perma- I , went cure and the most dreaded , habitual sick headaches yield to its ! influence." We urge all who are | afflicted to procure a bottle, and give tbis remedy a fair trial. In cases of habitual constipation Electric Bitters cures by giving the needed tone to i the bowels, and few case long resist the use of this medicine. Try it once. Large bottles only Fifty cents at J. E. Kaufmaun's. L'KCIAL INDUCEMENTS IX FINE I:TS, L.l.VKllTS, U O*11ES TICS, l> TC. 20 pieces of Jeans, 0 cents per yards Our All Wool Jeans at 20 cents. inches wide, worth 35c. now 15c. b, i) cents. line of Silks, 40, 50, GO and 75 cents, business had a dollar more purchasing tan new. 500 pairs 31en s Uress rinoes :n>c. 500 pairs Men's Dress Shoes $1 25. 300 pairs Men's Dress Shoes $1.50 worth $2.00. at $3 00, $1 00 ami $5.00. \ KING. SALE TRADE: Columbia. We can save you money. IE PLACE. UMBIA, S, C. Worst Kind of a Case. "You look thin and careworn, Tadley," said the man in the russet shoes. "Insomnia," replied Tadley, with a groan. "Insomnia?" repeated the man in the russet shoes. "Oh, come now, u man with no more than yon have to worry him doesn't get insomnia." "It is the baby that's got it," explained Tadley as he stepped off the ferryboat and resumed his struggle with life. ?New York World. Loam of Spirits. "Yes," observed the medium sadly, "I am very low spirited. In fact"? U..? f.,?o foil " 11L1 IMVV/ iV?? ?"we've had nothing but ordinary actors and senators all the evening." It was evident that 210 first class seance could make a hit without at least Alary, queen of .Sect0. ? New York Press. Family Pride. "Johnnie, is your brother back at college," asked the girl who is deeply interested in the subject "f her inquiry. "Naw, he's quarter back," proudly answered the youngster.?Detroit Free Press. Her View of It. Mrs. Lake Front?Doctors say it is an extremely risky thing to hold nickels or dimes between your lips. Mrs. Wabash?Yes, I see. You might swallow them.?Cleveland Plain Dealer. Intellectual Pursuits. "Did you keep up any club work while you were away, Mrs. Golightly?" "Indeed we did. We played progressive euchre right along."?Chicago Record. Wherever You May Be. "Are many of the Four Hundred here?" "Oh, yes. Thousands of them."? Truth. Poster Girl's Defense. It was an artless poster girl pinned up against i my wall, febo was tremendous ug!}- and she was exceed- | ing tall. I was gazing at her idly, and I think I must have slept, ......mnirir'Ti lifted uu her !>oster r UI lii.lt (??okV4 ........ , ' voice anil wept. the said between her poster sobs: "I think it's rather rough To be jeered and floored and flouted, and I've stood it long enough. I'm tired of being quoted as a fright and fad j and freak. And I take this opportunity my poster mind to speak. "Although my hair is carmine and my nose is j edged with blue. Although my style is splashy and my shade i effects are few. Although I'm out of drawing and my back j hair is a show, Yet I haven't half the whimsies of the maid- | cms that you know. "I never keep you waiting while I prink before the glass, j 1 never talk such twaddle" as that little Dawson lass, I I never paint on china, nor erotic novels write, j And I never have recited 'Curfew ilust Not j Iling Tonight.' "I don't rave over Ibsen. I never, never flirt, I uevt r wear a shirt waist with a disconnected > skirt. I never speak in public on 'The Suffrage' or | 'The Kace,' I never talk while playing whist or trump niy ; partner's ace." I said: "Oh, artless poster girl, you're 111 the i right of it. [ You are a joy forever, though a thing of beau- i ty, nit!" And from her madder eyebrows to her utmost purple swirl. [ Against all captious critics I'll defend the 1 poster girl. ?New York Sunday World. | , Great sales prove great merit of | Hood's Sarsaparilla. ami great merit 1 I enables it to accomplish wonderful j ' cures. U pov*V\iMit3 EiftVaf POWDER Absolutely Pure* A creaiu of tartar !>.ikin? i owder. Higuest ot i*. 11 in Uuvenine s*r.n^:h. -Latest United Suites <T.)Veruc:ent Food lteporf. Royal Faking PowjkkCo , New York. The Discovery Saved His Life. Mr. G. Caillouette, Druggist, Eea versville, 111., says: ^To Dr. King's New Discovery I owe my life. Was taken with La Grippe and tried all the physicians for miles about, but of no avail and was given up and told I could not live. Having Dr. King's New Discovery in my store I sent for a bottle and began its use and from the first dose began to get better, and after using three bottles was up and about again. It is worth its weight in gold. We won't keep store or house without it." Get a free trial at J. E. Kaufmann's Drug Store. A MILK TICKET COURTSHIP. Blnfferty Wan Tired of Continued Perform* anci'M and Wanted ? Reform. "Step into the library a minute," said Blufferty to yonug Nincomnoodle sli he was admitted by the maid. The old gentleman slammed the door and cut loose. "You call on my (laughter, sir?" "I have that pleasure occasionally. " "Occasionally? Thunder and Mar?! Young man, what would be your idea of calling frequently? You'ro here seven nights in the week, to say nothing of three or four matinees. This continuous performance business has got to hi stopped." "Do?does Marcia object?" "Miss Blufferty does not object, sir. Mrs. Blufferty does not object. They would like to give you the front room, board vou. adopt you, make a favorite son of you, but I object, Mr. Niucomnoodle, and my objections arc always sustained in this household." "You won't forbid me coming at all, Mr. BlnfTcrty?" "Not at present, sir, but I am going to give you an occasional day and evening off. We can't any of us stand this astonishing constancy. You see this little card I hold in my hand?" "Yes, sir." "Notice that it s numuerea irom 1 to 17? Same principle as a milk ticket" ^ J "Yes, sir." "That's got to do a month, sir. Every time you call, the maid will punch out a number. When the ticket is used up, you can't get in here till the next month. And I'll be ease keeper myself, young man. Any bogus tickets, bribing the maid, meeting on the sly or trying in any other way to brace the gamo aeainst lie means that you will bo kjckt.fl out bodily aj.d kept cut. I'll give you a benefit this afternoon, but the ticki t system gees iuto operation at sundown."?New York Sunday World. He Wanted the Earth. Stanley and lit nry, two 4-yeer-olds, gazed with wide f;pcn eyes at a Knights of Pythias funeral the other day. The uniforms made a strong impression upon their youthful minds, and the band, playing a funeral march, a stronger one still. After the parade had passed on t they resumed their play. "Let's play fconeral," said Stanley. " Ail " nc>r>nfcd Henrr. "I'll dwivo de touch." "No, 1 11 dwivo," asserted Stanley. "Den I'll be de band." "No, I'll be de baud." "Tail I be de dead man, den?" "2%o, you tan't. I'm doiu to be dead man," insisted Stanley. "You want to be de whole fooueraL I won't play," and away he went in indignation.?Detroit News. What Jack Hubbard Did. Little Jack Hubbard went to the cupboard and "swiped" thence a big custard of pie. His mother had said beforo going to bed, "I can make pie crust short when I try." nw.minn fnmft WTlTvl. MrS. H. ?t ju ii u:wiuiii^ vumjv - , quickly iound that Jack liad been there on the sly, and instead of short crust, to her utmost disgust, she was short of the whole bloomin pie.?New York World. A Suspicion. "I wonder why so many telephone operators are women?" said the man who cultivates an idle curiosity. "I don't know," replied the misanthrope, "unless it's because the occupation puts them in a position to have.the last word every time."?Washington iStar. K<ni<>tc Period. "Papa," asked the little boy, "what is a 'remote p< riod:' " "It is the period that is due at the end of your mother's remarks," said Mr. Grey mail". "It is all tin; way from two to four hours remote."?Cincinnati Enquirer. An Honorable Ilscape* - * 1 Vt 1 --o She?Why Out you quarrel wun iier.ih?Oil, just to be gentlemanly. I wanted to break the engagement no I could marry another girl. I had to do something so as to have a gentlemanly excuse.?Truth. It you smoke or chew try tlio line brands of cigars and tobacco, at the Bazaar. / m I