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*-2? - .. .... . lite tan raster fegger. $2 PER ANNUM SI"w'v./v;;?r^^^,:;v"^ii;,:^;^:s:vinv:y IN advance 3 iaintlu aai ^aiiiical 3!tu?|ia|m?Braatti) tn tljt Arts, Itirates, littratorr, ifhratiau, Sgritaltarc, Satrrnal 3mprunrairats, 3'artiga auir Sanrstic Situs, aaii tljt jEflarkfts. VOLUME IX. LANCASTER C. H., SOUTH CAROLINA, WEDNESDAY MORNING, AUG. 1,1860. NUMBER 25. I - - - - I - i>elerteii ?>torq. * J10W1 FIRST M EX MTWIFE. nr j. w. Watson. * There was always it mystery banging : nliuiit u certain way tliat Morgan had, him! in which he was always joined hearlily l?y iiis wife?inv own cousin, May Stevens, I bat bad been ? a way thai troubled my curiosity iitucl.,until Ihe one eventful evening that it was satisfied by bearing ibe reason why. All that loiur tantHiico tvitbout ixlliinr what lliat way was, or how lie wu? joined in it l>y May. It was simply this : That every time a word was .spoken that led to tiie period w Len Charley Moi|>hii first met inv ("on s.n May, they would both laugh Very heartily, l>nt would always refuse to tell at what they laughed. This was certainly veiy provoking, and I had little hesita t'oii in telling them so?tint once, but 111 a 11 v tunes ? at whieli they laughed mote herrtily than ever, h:i?* ulwav* ended \>v ktsrtng each other and looking very affectionate. I determined I? lia<e a solution of tlio mutter, if f' r no < tin r reason than that it worried it.e I am hut a woman, ami having pleaded to the p ^session of en. .r:os;tv, I see no reason why that foihle of ?iny sex siiould elicit lio charity, and no le-son vv11v sometimes it should not be indulged. Willi tins resolution, I set tort it one evening, when we thiee, Mor gall, May and myself, were drawn up he lore tlm tire ami fanly settled l<>r a lulk. 'There wh? iio use mincing matter*, was out liiat idea, and willl tin* thought I d..slod holdly in with 'Mi. Moigiin" 1 usually tall liim Char* let, Inn I w as desirous ot slmwiu.' tiiat i su. hi.il.i iii earnest ? 'Mr Morgan, why ?|n Vnll Ml w M? a fntlgll al.d |. ok si May w In n iliesti'j el of tour first meeting w j li her is jioken of f' Tills I w i.s sine v as a simple <|'li-?lion*, and vel instead id* aii.swei.no u in m sim l ie way. tin \ went look, l-oili of them i ll tile old JiiMi, and latched ?' though ilhi* wi.nh I had just sp. ken weiij the Very b-e> j Le !ii ilie xv* lid. I eo'lid do Until in>?, .,| i hut look if'ixe and solemn, whi. h in a lew ni.?o < nis brought them ( iii o.iiid to I ukii o the same way, and liien MaV spoke to me seriously, and siit "C-mniii Jalie, %? -.! lake our laughing iiiiiei. mo e.in.is', y tln.ii I thought j.ui |: a on t a l?11 e int-im.ry I e ( v ! me lli .1 bril g* lite i..i ; i.? a ? m li'.ili ii ihi'nihiaiiee, I li1 [ I ha: s it. I il. tl.de WoU.d he i ? I .i g '.?i mine ant one. Iii-. ij i' a 11 , t i n I mi ght h.u L my 4.MH..I 111. n i. r in an l..until, a In I, with a Slide, 1 >h .1 t Now. M v, this is really unkind of ton ; for so ioiig have }ou incited mv out 4'ty ihn', even were i?;urv not teiiino, you should tell it." 'Weil, I'OIIMtl Julie hllltil little lliMt Hto TV, Mh), mii<) i Mill tell it iiiitoif to her.* At tins decimation, I was ?nrj rie1 to ?*e M:<y 11 it.?h up to it I light led, and litenh out iHther v.|ifii.?n,lv with : 'Nov , Climle} thai really too had ! ^ uu *?liiAII not do it, air. If con* it Jane is to liuve the story, I will tel' her my welf.' And then, niter n | au?e, she mid, *\Vlirii we arc alone.' 'You eItmII do t.o iticli thing, Madam was (Jhailey's htiighint; r?i|Hilitf, ha he got up till I hived May directly in ,the uioutli, jiial hi lime to slop ? torrcl.l aj( words that, in Miinther minute, would have pouted out. \ ?U ahull do no such tiling. 'I his time I shall have my wnv, wild cou-ifi June shall i:nl ha?e her curi OM1V excited any more win.out ieuij; satisfied. 1 Kit * there *? to be h discussion uii that Jroin', but I knew that, in some ??v, Charley was sure to come ott' victor ; s?> merely ai?j ing '.IimI I ?ould be back in a few moments, I slipped out ? f the room, Mini walked about tlte garden until I felt sore tbe point waa rented, a I.an I went back, and found Charley and M <y look i?t? aa happy a* birds, and laughing tbe ol<l laugh, aa usual. A* i entertained, Charley drew up tbe rock<ng chair, and, after seeiutf me safely deposited in its ,depths, said ; 'Now, cousin Jane, I shall tell you the ,story about how 1 first met mv wife : 'It is just Ave tears ago, this summer, ,that i was granted exemption for one month from mv desk, ami went down with my chum, Horace Hyatt, to his father's, in old Monmouth, the garden of that unjustly * I-used State, New Jer, ev. I should never have forgotten that visit, even though I had not there inet with an advenlura that had its influence on the whole future of my life. I should re member it for the real true hospitality of the Hyatt's; for the solid old time comfort ?>f the farm, and the quiet way in which, within a couple of days after my arrival, I was put in possession of it, snd made to feel that it all In-longed to rue. lo do just what I pleased* with, liters were plenty of horses, and we rode; plenty of flsh, and we Ashed ; plenty of woodcock, and shot, All ibis sball be spoken witli a proviso, I say wa ? by which, let it he understood. I do not mean Horace's two sivlera, Carrie and Nettie, as having participated in all theau sports. They rode, to be sure?and charmingly they did it; they flslied, ami, I am obliged to confess, acre much luckier than their guest, liut they did not shoot, though I sball not etult over their lack pf this accomplishment? th?j *er? chap tiling though without it. 1 hiii wine I shall excite no jealousy hy declaring that, i with one exception, which I shall not | mention here, Carrie and Nellie Hyatt were the two most dimming girls I iiaJ ever seen, and 1 was just hesitating as to i which of tliein I should fall desperately | in love with, when my calculations were . all disturbed by an accident?for so I i ! suppose I must call it?though really 1 seeming like a special Providence. What this was, I shall tell in the best way I know how. 'For somo days after my arrival at the I farm, mv curiosity had been much exci le?.l by the occasional panegv ric lavished bv tho young ladies upon a once schoolI lellow of ibeir own, May Stevens by ! name, who was according lo their highly i coloied account, the most perfect thing in I | the shape of a woman, men living. I tried to persuade tin self that nothing in ; i that line could surpass Carrie and Nettie; I but still the imputation of this May Stej vens haunted me, and came like a shad ow across my new born pas.-ion. I form- ' j ed, at last, an imaginary May Stevens ; i , and do what 1 would, the figure was with I me. At last I was worked into an ago , liy < ! cur. 'Sity, and trembled with some great purpose, which should bring before me the object of my thoughts and of the | two sisters continual conversation. In I what tins would have ended, it is iuipos- I j sible for me all this time to say, had 1 not ! heard, one morning, as I entered (lie I I breakfast room, the startling words fiom ; { Nettie ; | 'And so she is coming at last. I'm n> I g'a I !' ) 'Whether it was that the train of my I I thoughts was upon that point at the mo ' i merit, or what, 1 cannot say ; but i knew ' directly lite whole matter. I .-aw Carrie ' with an open letter in Iter hand and cou | pling it with Nettie's words, I ki.ew tlr.it the hitherto only heard ol May Sleveiis ' ; was about lo become a reality. I had no ! need to ask ipiestiotis. All the itiforina ' | lion was proffered. May Sieten* ? the j incotnpaiable May ? wa- to spelul a month j at 11) all's, and tlo-y wete to expect her | at it it v moment?though, as the le'ter | remit Mie nrgia not i?e uovvn mr a wnK ( i to come. A Wfcvk ! it was an n-e, a j I , ! century ; and I w as in a tlutter of t wite. meiit. My !"n^? standing passion ot near 1 ly two weeks' duration, for Nettie and j ' Carrie, was forgotten in ail instant, and 1 my w hc'.e mind* was ahum bed in making | l ie last future possible licforH lliis i.c* j queen. \\ itii this idea, I l'?-o<vn to look ! into titv wardrobe. i lia<i coiiih down I wiili Mitli.'.eot eiotlies to au>wer a I <>r<11 nary | tnpo-es, including, ol course, Nellie in.tl Carrie; l-ut the new goddess tat i > - ' iiliy of a new nj; it my tfHri j an.! eel'alnly ihculil lone it. lliis leso I lull--ti was lilntle within fifteen minutes I J after hearing lite annoiineement of liei ! j in i ?rii<it ?i coinini{ ; and la fore two hours i j mo! jmne by, I was wlnzziriji on tny way | i> o w n. to carry out that resolve. My choicest morsels of wardrobe should be ufleieil on shrine ot Mac Stevens. 'I had absented myself on the p'ea of a sudden memory of business neglected. I I and fiithfuliy promised Nellie ai d Carrie | that the next day should ate me down j xga.n at Hyatt's to stay out the month lhal Mav Stevens, the wonderful, was It !.l. .1 HIM?UL ll) |>H>S rtllll V Il? III. The racking of the brain '.hat day, to i j create a grand cnnrtnlj/c of costume? \ something bevoml nil criticism, thai j should at the first glance strike the l>e. j I holder silent with ndn)irnli?>n?id. | deed terrible. The lal?or of writing 'l'ar | ndit>e I ami1 was nothing to >t. It was early in the day when I nrtived at my C ty room*, and for six hi Uta, 1 die:-set I j j and undie&sed, compared, rejeclt I and j selected ; arid, at the end of that time, I I i had It.id out lhone portions of my wear* h'e tools in which I hni! decideil to make my (iist appearance before May I Steven*. It wanted Mil! several hours to sun set; and having got safely through j the gieal object of my visit, 1 thought it wotihl l.oi We a had idea for me to take i the last train and teturn tho same night to 11)at Y .os eul cf ea ting o er ti l morning. No sooner said than done. 1 packed my hahiliinent, and away I went Whizzing at d puiliing over an uninter*. eating toad i? provocative of sleep; sc. I found it when the shades of evening fell; j for, to the best of my recollection, 1 ?n* j J in ti e very midst of a dream in which I M v b o ea-, at.ire.l in took inunlin and pale blue satin, sat on n purple cloud, and adrmringly inquired who my tailor whs. Just hi I whs sl>oiit lo inform li?-r there came a crush, mi d f< r a moment I w?is not entirely certain whether it was the cloud that had exploded or myself had torn some portion of apparel that was over struined. It required hut a moment lo awaken tne lo the fact that t?olh presumptions were wrong. It was our train?the 0:20?'.hat had run off the track, smashing things generally, and i spilling the contents of several baggage cars along the road, to snv nothing of frightening half a hundred passengers into a condition lorderng on lunacy. This was a pretty state of things, and to make it still worse, I was exactly eight miles from my destination, though as it after ' wards proved, not a ini'e from the next j where, Aft I heard it canvaKAed, x tavern, topper and Stdt could he ha<i ? I tat disposed to make nnnelf agreeable, and, accoruingly, rendered ail the amia tance in n?v power to the unprotected fe? males, lor which I get my reward on ar- ' riving alt the haven of refuge?the prom taed tavern?by being informed ihatauch ! a thing aa a bed for the night * at an iin possible idea, and that f, wUh tome twenty more of the mate gender, mutt be content with chaire, while the bed* were ap preprinted to the gentle sex- Slightly 1 ' disgusted, 1 swollowed my s?i?|*per, and looked out upon the night. It was a beautiful moon light, and verging on the 10 o'clock. 13v Jov?, I would walk over to llyatl's. No sooner said than done. Giving my carpet b;ig into the bauds of the landlord, with the most emphatic charges for its safely and punctual delivo ly at Hyatt's, next morning, at any ex pense, I set forth. Eigbl miles is a nille; and just as my w atch marked the quarter after mid night, 1 inarched up the lane hat led to the house. They were early folks at the faiin?early to bed and early up. 1 walked r 'Mini the house, trying eacli door and window for an entrance, but eacli and every one was fastened. It was of no constquence; my bed room window looked out li|><>11 ion tool oi lln* piazza; I would not distui j (lit* house by knoc king ; a bit of climbing would do the business, and should the window tie f,?s teneJ, I would t ip and awaken Horace, who was my room mate and bed fellow. I I,e thing was executed as soon as thought of, and m\ hand on the window, which viehled, and I stood in my own room.? 1?y the iiiooii light which streamed in, I saw that the bed was occupied, and by tbe heavy breathing I knew that Home was in a deep sleep. 1 would not, there fore, awaken him, but save the story of in? mishap for the follow it g day. With '.his resolution, I slipped quietly into bed and in lliiee minutes w as oblivious. 'What ought I to have dreamed that ntghti Hut I shall not anticipate. I lay facing the windows, and as the sun peeped op above the distant bills, and scattered the grey mists of the tiiunrng, 1 awoke. My bedfellow was breathing heavily, l ilt it was broad day light all I theie wan no more sleep in ine, so I dm leriiiined that 11> race should awake up ai <1 hear my story ul '.lie r.ihioad I.teak down. 1 tiiilied quickly and gate l?io sleeper a Midden shake. As lafndlv as my oa ii motion, my bed fellow, who bad laid with hi> hack lowatds ine, sprung in a sitting position. Ho re ..re such sur pr.ses, as without a tenor, which abso lute v deprive lis of the power of speech, unt I the I r.du has tune to act ami rea sou. Such stnpiise do not generate Ki're.tiiiH and faints. 'I'he\ ine exinessed by (ipen'iiioiilli and silent wonder. This was the case wuli iiixseif au I my bed fellow, as w? ?at uptight and stared.? li'iibt b\ 11 \ side, with l.er face within two fetl of my own, sat a \oung woman, Hot mora lliall secn, with gieat, J.irk haxrl y?*i, an.I ?u. h great ii.aeo.s of brown curls, luikio! nwav umbr the neatest iilllc night caj> tliat fit t was ? She liail gathered ilia hei!?c\tilhc>, with a spasmodic jci k, o}> about l.i r throat, ami wiili ilit* ou st ig;d, H?ioiiisli?d loi l", i.s though doubting w bother slit' was sleep iua . r waking, g l- il steadily iu my ? } es. Memory mi us a mail but iiltie in like cases ; but it lity memory serves inc rtght, it was 1 ?Lu liist 'j.1 -kt*. 1 b!a led oil. Willi : "How came \ t'U lu'o !' *1 lie tignre started still in speechless as loii'sliinei.t, but in a moment, as though awakened fioin Us stupid .clion, spoke : 'Am you Cbailes Morgan I' 'Vi-n,' was my lather subdued answer 'Well, ther, Mr. Morgan/ said lb? lig ure, by tf.is tunc speaking as ca'iulv, and witli quite as inmli dign.t) as though in the drawing room, 'I am May Stevens, and 1 was put in this room, afu r an in.1 expected arrival. Horace had gone owr to a neighboi's a few ini.es ofl I i f. re I got heie and was i.ot to leiurn until to tiay. lliat la how 1 was put lu lli s room.' 'So here I was, silting vita rig to this May Stevens, that mythical lad), for the tiist meeting with winnn I had intended to gel ii|> such a superlative toilet ! Ami A uice?i)le of introduction, and a nice M\ie of told i ' And rl.v?by th.a time was as cold lbo 31 ?l of December, ami sal Koking ill.- right in the eye, as 1 made anlllM Kitruliilillur iiViil.ii.uln.il . * I . mg found in thai extraordinaiy position ll was a lame explanation, woiuUllh.lv mixed "|> with me'.evniil matter, and stammered and stuttered through in a May lli:tl should li?*e disguised an) ten sil>it* paiii. Sl.e seen el lo be seriously pondering during the recital, and at lis end, looking at Die as though asking tlit* most simple question in the world, s.tid ; What's t-> I e done I' 'Let me jump out of tlie window, as I carue in,' said 1, in a snk'y lone of Voice; f ?r the tlx ugLi caine to me, that <o a' cbieve In s end, I must n ake some dca peiate display of myself in a style of cos um which 1 deprecated. She lehev. ed me instantly with ; 'No, that will not do, there are people moving about, and yon will he $?en.' 'It was my turn now to stammer out : 'What's to be done V For 1 sawr that little bas e eyed girl was superior lo me u. presence of mind and eneigv of ac lion. She did not Wait l<>ng to answer my question. 'Von must lie still here while 1 get up. When I have left the room, you can rise, Or. St. and tro awav at ilia first niinnriu ? V -ff ~- -nily,' wm her reepoMic, delivered in h quiet, l.?i?i > *<>? 11k - manner. 'Ai.d <> I did, under May 8it>ven?'com nwtnd. I liuiicd my intruding head in the hed rlothea, end kept it well covered until I heard liie retreating foot ateps up on tliestaira, which wxi hut n fear minute*, though it aeemed xn age ; and then with h deaperate hound 1 aprung from the hed, and turned the key on the derarted one. It ana the quickert dreeamg ever made, and I will venture to aaf, that no man ever aneaked out of hia own apartment more ateahlnly than I did. 'That morning we met, May Klevena and I, at the breakfaat tahle?I in the character of the newly arrived thet mor ning?and were formally introduced, during lite ceremony of which we astound oil every one present, Mid planted atliorh el wonder in tb? side* of Nettie and Carrie, hv bursting simultaneously into a hearty laugh, which we have never failed to repeat w henever the memory of our tirsl meeting comes up. i 'And now, cousin Jane, you have the . whole story of how I liist met my wife.* Subscribers Classified. One of the Chicago editors gets oil a 1 ' good int. at newspaper subscribers, lie divides tin in into classes, which ho says j arc capah.u ot innumerable sub divisions. a .1- . . i.:.. .a ... i.<: ? -i * ^ttwiuuij; iv j 11 m iMiuKin'MMi > 111? ill hi ' class are the up rights. These are men . who lake tiewspapeis, pay for them and [ read tlietn. They do tlie thing l?y sjbtein. They pay tirst and then rend.? 1 j 'l'liey are generally intelligent :nen, and I consider that they get tlie worth of their i money. It seems, as fair and just to ! them that the newspaper should be paid ! for, as a barrel ot llour or a new coat.? j I'liev never entertain anv other opinion. \ When the tear, i utis out, thev are oil hand again with the p>T. I his class, the editor remarks, aie near and dear to I I I lie heart. of the printer. Their image is I embalmed in affections, and they are uni- I versallv respected. The second c'ass aie <h> wells. l'liey are m some degree rcla- ] ted to tho lirst. i hey pay up during the ' lirst six months?"intended to do so before, Inu forgot it I' I hey iicvi r forgot it if thev fail to receive the paper once a I week. Hut these paii< -lis will do. They I wi n't let the printer sutler, it occasionali Iv reminded ot their sliotl comings. I lit 1 third class are the eas\ doers. 1 iiev be ! lieiv in newspapers?alwiMrt read. 1 liev lake the pnpir without niging. Thev c< tile up like men and pay tor the lirst | year. I lie i ext yi wrsoils aiong, but Uiey pin I themselves with tin- v.nv ii l.oii that I tlo-y paid for the lirst year, ai.d on the i I stieugth of that neglect the j nut- r till j he legins to iioimre alter the state of [ their health, pockets, Arc., w lien they iiwal o I" the fact that thex are in ariears, 1 and after a low w ei-ks grunting and grain i bling, they collie torwaid with titty e.\e?l- j sc., anil pa V' tlie old score. There Hie I ill:,liy sin h nevvsj aper patiutis. l in y I in \ i r dispute the printer's bill, however. Tl.et know tliat books well posted tell lietter sioiii s than treacherous moss cov I eied memories. If tlie printer can man ' age to beg Ins wax til these ? In e! horses i pax up lie may possil Iv get along after i a fashion, hnt its a li i/ minus dependence. , The in xt class are tin* ilow n hilleis. < >r.e j of these wui take a paper because "wife > | wants it," i r neighbor p? rsundes him ? | When it beg lis to come he spends no i thoughts upon it further. In the course I ; ?-f llirjiar, it i!.c cMiMabW; vnii? liim he in.in p.aV up. onidoiiioly, lint with ' orowls hikI with hiuly looks. An ordi' nary dun lias no more th-ct upon liitn ' lliMi a bullet lias on the side of a liippo I oiainus. 'l'lu! j 11liti'i can't live witli fcticli ! he fifth class are the nix rum u rouse, j I I I ey i.evi r p ?\ for the pap< r? in r ani'i tiling else. I'liey are always grumbling j at the editor too. I heV don't like his I pipe-, it <h>n't o.ie no i.evvs? never did i I.ho it ? didn't want it in the first place ? lo'd the postmaster so?sent hack one a j year nor, an I didn't begin to lake it ( r a long tune after it come ? havn'l had hut two or t!11?_ nuinl'i rs, and them liaint been lead, and so on to the end of the chapter. I l.ts tl.ev talk, but ilie printer ran read all such like a "bo? k." They have a niche in bis in?morv ami through tlie columns of his paper to instruct them in their dntv and make better inen <?f them, lie finds it mi uphill business, bow ever, I and sfioti gives tlieui up ? as he should. ' I he si\t!i and lust class is the scatie fjrucrt. Kveryhody know*} w hat h scape gr. co is. < >?i* of ti c e f? Mows never fails to t 'k<* five or s x newspapers. When he 111iti 1h tiny hitve come hI 0'it !oiii> en oiijjh for the puhii-her to want his pay, he send* word to "stop it," or decamps lor pail* unknown, lit* never intend* to pay lor it and don't. It doesn't lake many such follows to starve out the prin i Iter. Such are the varieties of mankind I ! who ' take the papers." The Census-Taker Answered. Hatcher of the Nashville l'utriot, says I he expects to he busy all the year, and j don't want to he bothered with the con bu*.laker, and Lemo haft prepared the j following anbwei? lo iLo tjueaiiona which I the Ceoana Bureau Iihh instructed (ho official (o ask. The last answer In the liat is very properly given in the affirmative : 1. For our name, we refer t ou to the ! report of the census-taken in 1850j wu\? , got the SHiue one yet. 2. \N e haven't any Hge ; bill if it will beany accommodation to you, we'll try i to have aoiue by the time you Coirie round again. I - . *. _ - i i? 1 | J. .'\s o> uur coior- ii? guou , ntii no j ing subject l<> attacks of h bil'inus cliar ! acter, may sa\ it's very good. Sex I obvious. 4. Ilavo got no trade ; haven't bad ( one since 1H60 ; traded lbn<D for a horse , which went bund before we got heme i with him ; gave him away the next day, at the advice of a friend, who feared we might keep in the channel of our usual ' luck, and sell him for counterfeit money. 1 Haven't had anv trade since. Got a profession, but have'nl anr name for it ) 6. Our personal estate consista of a jack kniie, and a ?s*lpocket full of steelpens. Our real estate is all unreal, con' I eistmg exclusively of a castle in Spain.? I'm the value down at twenty millions, ' though for the cash, or a draft si sixty days on responsible houses in New Or , leans, wo would probably take something I less, 'ibis, however, is confidential. 0. Don't know the exact place of our birth, and never did. Were quite young at the time, and uidu'l think to enquire Deft soon alter. 7. Didn't marry within the present! | year, and as we don't dye our whiskers i you may infer that we don't intend to.? I I W Inch we don't. 8. We are inclined to believe that we are twenty tears of aoe. and that wo have been fur several weeks. Reasons for believing so furnished in w riung if. necessary ? signed by the taxcollector.? Can read i.: small, easy books tolerable well, can'l write lb<>,' io Go !?ucb good. b. Have had the measles, but don't re1 member how many. 1U. As a general thing, we do not ; but as we ha|i|>eii to be a little dry just now, and as you've been kind enough to ask us, wo won't mind tak'ng a dion or two with you. A Census Taking Anecdote. In endeavoring to take tlio census for j the Government, the marshals occasionally meet with such diiliculties as well uigli to deprive them of their senses. T he I loll owing look place in Canal street, I New Orleans : 'Who is the head of this family ?' I '1 hat depends on circumstances. If; j before 1 1 o'clock it's me husband! if after ] 1 I, its nie.telf. I 'How s? ?' ' 1 It-cause afu-r 11 lie's as drunk as a piper, and unable to take care of himself, j let alone the family.' | ' \\ hat is Ins age 1' Coming next Mediations lie will lack a day of Ueing as old as biuuegan. You know 1'iiiiiegan !' 'No, I d>>n'i know Kinnegaii ; and if I ! did, it would not help the matter. Is i Vuur husband an alien I' Ocli, thin, he's ailin' intirely. lie has the rheumatics worse than owl 1 L>ut.ue! ly, who was tied double v.id 'em.' 'i!o\v in my male members nave you ! in the family ( 'N i\ er a one.' '\\ liul, no buys at ail I1 'Hoys u 11} All! number, go home.? ! We iiate b 'Vs enough to whip four j 1 luiivrs *A bread tor breakfast.' 'When were }uu married ?' ' 1 lie day l'al l)nyic left l'ippirary for 1 Aiiuricy. All we:l I iir'mi it. A sun shiner day niver glided the sky ofowld | 11 eland.' What was the condition of your litis- ' band before marriage !' 'iJivil a mail more miserable, lie said ] it 1 did not give him a promise within j two weeks he'd blow his brains out with 1 a crowbar.' 'What was he at the time of }our{ uuriiage, a widower or a l.acheloi?' 'A whid ? A widower, did you say ? Ah, now go way wid yer nonsense. Is'i j the Ilk*s of me tlial would take up a sec. ond hand husband? A poor divil all legs ami consumption, like a sick turkey. A widower? May 1 niver be bhs>ed if I'd rather not live an owleil maid, ami bring up a family ott buttermilk ami praties.' Here the dialogue ?n led, the Maishal coming to the conclusion that he could j 'make uioiu' next door. W hetht-r he did we wiil know at some luture time. The Bible. 1 lie bible must be the invention ol good men or angels?of bad men or <tei ils?or of tlod. it cannot be the in- j vention ot good men, lor they neither I would, nor t'ouid, make a book, aid tell l|es ail tin* limn they were writing it, sav I ing, 'Ihns sasetli the Lord,' wlieu it was | their own intention. Nor could it he the invention ol had tne:i or devil* ; for thev Could not make a book which commands j ail duty, forbids all sin, and lOndemn* themselves to all eternity. I therefore draw this conclusion ? (lie 1> b e must be given by inspiration of Cod.? Snn/uon. "t ain of opinion that the Itible con tain.* moie true sublimity, more exquisite beauty, more pure molality, more important history,'and liuer strains of poetry and eloquence than can he collected from all oilier hook*, m whatever age or Ian cuage thev may have been written.? Sir Wm. Junta. 'I will h?x?rd the assertion, that no man ever did or ever will become truly eloquent without being a constant reader of the Bible, and admirer of the purity and sublimity of its language.'?Fisher Anus. The Bible is a book worth more than all other books which were ever printed.' ?J'a trick Henri/. 'Young man, attend to the voice of one who has possessed a certain dsgree of fame in (he world, and who will short If appear before bis maker : read the Hi* ble every day of you I life.'? Jjr. Samuel Johnson. a person would obtain a true knowl edge of the Christian religion, let him study the Holy Scriptures, especially the New Testament. Therein are contained the words< of eternal life. It has (rod for its author, salvation for its end, and tiuth without any mixture of error.?John I/<xke. Said a certain individual to A wag? The iAnn who ha* railed a cabbage head haa done more good than all the meU* phjticiana in the world." "Then," re plied the wag, "your mother ought to I have the preruiuu)!" ^lijrirulturaL I WILL IT PAY TO MAKE PORK 1 | Eds. Genessee Kariner : Since the wheat crop has become so blighted and on cor j tain in Western New York, a change of ' farming has of necessity taken place. All j ui eiuL-fc iihto mcreaseu unci Ileitis j of coarser grains have multiplied in proportion ; so that corn has become the leading crop?which, if well cultivated | and judiciously fed (not sold) on the farms that produce it, the soil will not [ deteriorate, nor debts increase, as many i have conjectured. | The corn crop, where it can be success i fully grown, is the farmer's regulator and balance wheel. It will make less debts and more money in the pocket ; less I bankruptcy and more rich (arms ; less j lousy cattle and more good beef; less coids of sheep under the fence and more , to shear; less poor pork and more that | will pay, than any other crop?wheat [ not excepted. Then, wttli tiro conclusion to feed our | grain rather than to sell it?what shall | wo teed it to, cattle, sheep, or hogs I | I'oik growing is becoming an exten ; sive buisiness in this section. It is one of I the greatest channels for turning our stirj plus slops and coarser grains into money. Then the question arises, and it ie of j I no secondary importance?will it pay to make pork ? From the amount raised, it would seem that the question was practically answered in the allimative; a largo class cutnplaia that it is not a paying business ? at any rate, more than what will eat tlie bouse slops, rotten apples, small po | taloes, soft corn and glean the harvest j tields, hut nut to feed anything saleable. | Men ddlcr on this as much as their j pork dttiers when brought to market? j the poorer the pork more the owner coin i plains of his profits, or rather his losses ; | and the better the pork the moio satis- ! fie I the ow ner is, generally. There can be no profit in raising a poor breed of hogs, tliat have no fattening qualities ; nor even a good quality, with no conveniences nor proper care. A good hog cannot be fatted, to any piofit, j hi mud or liiib, nor when lie sutlers from j .. .II i - < tum. u is no coy s ousino.-s lo under' | stand the waids ot hogs?to change llieir | feed, and keep lliem healthy and grow- i ing. The comfortH of h hog should be consulted us much hs any other animal, in | order to receive the most profit from the I least outlay. They should have a warm, dry nest, and clean pen. A hog that | will iiot keep clean when well cared tor | is not worth fatting. The best fatting : l.ogs keep the cleanest. They are re i inarkably neat ? more so ibnn most animals in their pen. 1 here is no way to test the profit or loss ot making pork but by actual experi incut?counting ibe whole outlay com- ! pared with the income ; or by counting < the io t for any given time, and the in- ' come. I have fatted three litters of pigs, 25 in number, dressing 7,772 lbs.; avera- | ging 311 lbs. each, at nine months and seven days old. They were from a sow? 1 LeicesU rshire and 11) field crossed?and j a full blooded Sutlolk boar, being very perfect in form, i^uiel, clean and hearty. 1 dressed a litter of eight, February, 1S5U, averaging 252 lbs. at seven I months and seven days old; sold for j ??7.75 per hundied. Dressed two litteis, 17 in all, last February ; eight were ! seven months and eleven days old, and nine one year and twenty one days old. ; The heaviest weighed 490 lbs., 474, 495, j 454, 435, 413, etc. Tim three litters sold j lor $615, wn.li the lard?280 lbs. I'lie | nine ga ned forty pounds ea? h in Sep | teuiber, forty seven in October, fifty three hi November?on soft corn and apples, j mostly. Latiinatiiig the seventeen at five j cents a pound, live weig'ot. December j 1st, which was the highest market price, | 1 made $75 above the cost of feed till dressed ? February 1st?and the ina oure. They were fed on meal, one third barley and two-thirds corn, scalded.? They had boiled potatoes for dinner.? The profit put on the corn fed ?140 1 bushels?would bring it to $1 25 per ' bushel, calling oilier things fed at fall value. The large hogs lost 14 per cent, in dressing. They had nine pouuds of blood <nch. My profile were as much if not more ; before December 1st than after, on the 17. J. W. lliown, a neighbor of mine, who | has had considerable experience in making pork, considers bis grain worth } from 20 to 25 per cent, more put into pork than to be sold, when the pork tears a fair price in proportion to grain. lie has just made an experiment in fatting p'gs. lie had a litter of ten pigs ?a cross of Suffolk and It>field ? which dressed 200 lbs. each at ten months old, and sold for $7.50 per hundred. Lie kept accurate account of all they ate ' froin the stait, and their first cost. He 1 > ? icu p?*na, grouoa wun oilier grain, about I half and half. The pen meal coal 75 ceola per aixty lbs., and oiher grain in proper; lion. lie made (50 and the manure above at! coat, for the pleasure of feeding ten beautiful, white, clean ahoata ten montha. There figure* are not made thinking , tbea? piga are belter than many others, but to ahuw that pork raiaing can be made profitable, e*en on grain ; and more ao where there ia a dairy connected with the corn-field. | Will it pay better to grow and fatten beef or abeep, or ahall we aell our grain ? These are questions of vital importance to our corn growing farmers, and shouO be practically answered ? r.ot guessed at. B. C. 8imond8. Gcncsec county, N. Y.?[(J em nee Farmer. Buniomus. Theory may all be very well, but young doctors and lawyers always prefer practice. A Yankee with the yellow fever, may very properly be called ? northern man with southern principles. The age of h young lady is now expressed according to the style of skirts, by saying that "eighteen springs have pass ed over her head." A lawyer asked a Dutchman in court what ear marks a pig had that was in dispute. "Well, he has no ear marks except a very short tail," was the reply. LiDes to Nell. If you knew a fellow lov'd you, And that you could joy impart, Would you give up to his keeping Your throLbing little heart? And in case I was that fellow, And you know I lov'd you well, Would you let me come and see you, My sweet and charming Nell ? Pray answer these few <)u.stions, Just to ease a fellow's mind, And let me know my fate at once, If you feel so inclined. Tub Way to "Sink Die."?In a Western Statv, one of the political partita had for twenty years been in the habit of holding their nominating conventions at tbu liijiiso if Mr. G . He hapiened on ? recent occasion, for the liisl time, to he in when they bad finished their business, and beard a little delegate move that "ibis convention adjourn sine die. "Sine d;e !" said Mr. G to a per>on standing near, "what's that ?' "Why, that's away in tho northern 'part of il>?* county," said his neighbor. 'Hold on, if you please, Mr. Chairman,' said the landlord with great emphasis and earnestness, "bold on ; I'd like t > beheard on that question. I have kept public house now for more than twenty years. I am a poor man. I have always belonged to the party, and never split in my life. This is the most central location in the country, and it's where we've always met. I've never l ad or asked for an office, and have worked day and night for the party; and now I think, sir, it is contemptible to go to adjourn this convention tcay up to Sine Die." A Safe Condition.? An American sloop of war hail putintoan English port, and the Lieutenant went ashore to recon noil re. in Hie course of his travels, he encountered a tavern, wlure a number of British officers were carousing. They at once recognized the Lieutenant's nationality by Ins dress, and resolved to umuso themselves by bullying him. Well, comrade,' says one, 'you belong to the United States, I see.' Right,' was the answer. 'Now, what would you do to a man who should say that your uavy did not contain an officer fit for a gun boat ?'continued the Englishman. '1 would blow his brains out!' replied the Lieutenant, with great coolness. There was silence among her Majesty's servants for a moment; but finally one of them, more muddled titan the rest, managed to stammer out: VV ? well, Yankee, I say it!' The American walked to bis side, and replied calmly : 'It's lucky for you, shipmate, that you have no brains to blow out!' Struck bv the dignity of the answer, thfa otfonder al ni">a ? 1 w??w ?.j/viv?^'?ou| mm uur hero was invited to join the mess. Miasko IIis Jimp.- Our .'.ijnd, V. L, of Chambers, tells a capital little story of a Dr. Somebody, resident in Columbus 1 Georgia : The Doctor hs<l been to * champagne frolic and came home, late at night, 'as tight as a tick.' His wife had gone to bed and the doctor undressed, and stood before the fire en chemite, enjoying its comfortable warmth, ilis wife perceiving that he was slightly "the worse for wear,' called him, '.siting him to come to bed nnd not fall into the tire. 'Stop, iny dear,' said tbe Doctor, wbo whs experiencing the sensation of univen sal rotation common after a debauch? "stop, my dear, 1*11 get in at toon at the bed (jtt* round here.' Presently he stretcher] out his arms to make a jump, and the bed seemed to whirl by him, and he paused for another chance. Again the bed swam round to him and he made a tremendous plunge at it, but fouud himself in a distant corner of the root.) instead of on feathers. 'Well now, my dear,* said he, rubbing bis heed, 'did yon ever see any thing whiz by as quick ! Just as lief try to jump in a rail car under full headway I* So the doctor commenced chasing the bed "on all fores," and by dint of bard "cooning,'and a littla assistance from bia j wife, he eventually succeeded in getting ciween the sheets.? HVfwmAw ITAtjb