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THE JOKERS' BUDGET. JEST3 AND YARNS BY FUNNY HEN OF THE PRESS. A WOI:M> OP WOXDEnS. Governess?Tommy, name the "Seven "Wonders of the World." Tommy?The pyramids, the sphinx, anoriier sphinx, the gardens where they hanged in Babylon, my sister's beau, hash, and myself. The punishment that followed wr.s another wonder to Tommy. AN' CTJTMELT BEQUEST. They got a new man in the photo graphing department ot tne prison me other day. He had been accustomed to posing elegant Indies and stylish dudes and people like that, und he had learned that peculiar politeness that seems to develop in and disappear from professional photographers. They brought in a prisoner to be photographed and stood him up. The new operator 'was a little rattled, but the policeman posed the prisoner. The photographer took out Lis watch, and as he put his hand on the cap looked blandly at the subject and said: "Xow, sir, put on a pleasant smile, please."?San Francisco Chronicle. ON THE CHICAGO EXPRESS. Passenger (who is acquainted with the conductor)?Hello, Ed! You look warm?as if you had been having some pretty hard work. Conductor?Yes, I have. I spent twenty minutes in the second coach packing hogs. It was full of drummers, and every one of 'm had four seats apiece and passengers were standing in trie aisle.?Burlington Free Fress. A SETTLER FOR AUNT?. j "What did Mr. Smith mean by saying that the gospel must be spread all over the carpet?" asked Teddy, aged five, of his aunt as they were on their way from church last Sunday. "I didn't hear him say any such thing, Teddy. "What he said is that we must " " i-- ft / I spread tiie gospel an over uruuuuu. "That's what I said. When I spilt: the milk on fclie carpet last night you J said I was spilling the milk all over creation. "?Pittsburg Ditfaieh.* IN THAT CASE THE TRUTH WILL DO. Sirs. Brief (who has been reading an article on Sleep in a health paper)? j John, is it best to lie on the right side or the left? John fa lawyer)?tff you are on the right side it usually isn't necessary to lie at all.?Bazar. fill l \ <k\M iJftitSL OUR HAYSEEDEK AGAIN. Bowery Tooth Artist?Anything I can do for you, my friend ? t Mr. Sfubbtes?I dunno. Whatd'yer t ask for that air milkin'-stool ??Judge. ATiTi HOPES DASHED. Champion sprinter?Who is this "Unknown" who is to race me to-morrow ? Trainer?All I can learn is that he has been doing business in the city and living in the suburbs for the last twenty years. Champion sprinter (Dejectedly) ? Mercy on me! I'm lost. I can't win in a race with a man who has been catching trains for twenty years?Philadelphia Record. : AT THE WRONG HOUSE. Tramp?Please, mum, I'm starving. Wou't you let me have a postage-stamp to lick'{ Experienced Housekeeper?Why, certainly. My husband is just finishing a letter to John L. Sullivan, offering to fight him anywhere, at any time, for 810,000 a side, Marquis of Queensbuiy rules. Wait until he is through, and j perhaps he'll let you put the stamp on. I Tramp (hastily departing)?Thankee kindly, mum, but maybe I can git a stamp at the next house without waiting. ?New York Wetkly, PEACTICAIi SYMPATHY. "Sad about Cholly, wasn't it? Got his cane-liead in his mouth, you know, and couldn't get it out." "How much was it worth ?" A GREETING. She would not be my Christmas gift, nor yet my Valentine; But. with a manner quite composed and cool, Remarked: "Since to my service you persistently incline, suppose you come una oe my April r 001. ?Emma Carleton in Fuck LENT. Lent, lent, lent, Where, oh, where, is that V The fiver I lent, Is long ago spent, And will never come back to me. ?Time. OFFERED HIS NAME. She (enthusiastically)?Ah, how nice it must be to be famous! How I wish I had a name. He (bashfully)?Aw?er?what would you say to mine??Once a Week. A MISTAKE. Mrs. Winks?Well, I declare! The weather indications are right foi; once. Mr. Winks (looking over his shoulder)?Humph! That paper you've got is a week old?Philadelphia Record. THE PROPER HEAD. " I have an account of a big landF slide," said the new reporter. "What head shall I put it under? " , " Put it under the 1 Real Estate Transfers,'" replied the Snake Editor.?Pittsburgh Telegraph. AN* IMPROBABLE STORY. J "Speaking of liars. An .mains was an i amateur compared fr> Mosely." " Has Mosely distinguished himself'" ] "I should s-iy s ?! Ho was telling me j just now thac a tramp went into his yard this morning and rawed hnlf a J cord of wood before asking f>?r anything i to eat."?Lincoln Slate J our mil. AN TTNJTST CHARGE. | "Absalom," called out Mrs. r.ambo, ! in a high-pitched voice as her husband came lumbering up the stairway at 3 o'clock a. in., '"yo.i have been getting j drunk again ! This is the second time since yesterday morning!" "Nanshy," mumbled Mr. Rambo, holding tightly to the balustrade, "you'r unzhust m'love. A man can't giddrunk twice in twenty-four hoursh. I'm?I'm i still on the 'riginal drunk, Nanshyl"? Chicago Tribune. PATRIOTISM. j "Clarence, dear, here is a very lnierj esting article about 'The Llama of 'the ! Trans-Baikal,' " remarked Eloise. "I don't care anything about it," replied Clarence. "Why don't the magazines print something about American pugilists ?"?Life. WHY IT WAS NAMED HUSTLEIi. A Detroiter, who has b-en malcing a trip through the West, got oft' the train at a Dakota station called "Hustler." He found it to consist of the station house and two cabins, and one of the cabins was tenuntless. "Is this the town of "Hustler/" he asked of the depot master. "Yes. sir." "Is this all of the town?" "It is." "Why, I read that it was a growing place." "It has grown one house this year." "I was told that it had great prospects." "Lots of chances here, sir." "But there is no town here?literally nothing to speak of." I "They all have to begin, yon know." "Can I get anything to eat here ?" "No, sir." "What time does the next train pass?" "Seven hours to wait." "Will you tell me who named this town ?" "Yes, sir, it was the man who moved out of that cal>in." "What induced him to call it "Hustler?" "Because he knew that everybody would hustle to get out of it. Sit down on the platform, and make yourself at home while you have to wait "?Delriot Free Prc3S. A "VAXJANT GUARDIAN OP THE PEACE. Policeman (rudely arouredfrom a nap) ?Wh-wh-a-at's the matter i Citizen?Why, three ruffians have set upon a poor fellow around the corner and nearly beat him to death! Policeman?And where are they now? Citizen?Oh, they ran away at top speed and got clear oft'. Policeman?Well, if that's so, guess I might as well go down and see if I can do anything for the poor fellow.?The Argosy. A TH5FI.E EXAGGERATED. Young Author?Do you receive much rejected manuscript nowadsys ? Old Author?No, not very much. Young Author?I suppose there was a time when you got a good deal of it back? Old Author?Oh, yes, indeed; when I began writing for the pre3S I used to receive back morg than I sent.?Judge WHICH DID HE MEAN. Hollys (v ho is selecting a park hack for his wife)?She seems to need touchi ing up a good deal. Anderton. Anderton (the dealer)?She is a bit pale complected, sir; but, Lor' bless yer! tli' hexercise '11 redden them cheeks "like roses, sir.?Judge. HE WOUIiD HAVE HIS BEVENGE. Agent (to sour faced lady with capital)?I am soliciting funds to start a benevolent enterprise for the poor, and I thoughtSour Faced Lady?I can't give "you money, sir. I have been fooled too of ten. All I can do is to lend my countenance to tlio scheme. Agent (sadly)?That would simply ruin it, ma'am.?Burlington Free Press. A NECESSARY VIRTUE. Harry Marridwell?Let's go to the opera, Ethel. These loDg evenings are awfully dull. Ethel?Oh. Harry! Before we were married you never wanted to go anywhere. Harry?Couldn't afford to.?Time. HE APPRECIATED THEM. Chathard?How beautifully the roses bloom on Miss Sigourney's cheeka! Sayeit Anyhowc?Yes, I always did admire hand-painted flowers.?Epoch. CORROBORATION. Said Paddleford to his wife on the way back from tho museum: "I am firmly convinced that women have an innate, natural, constitutional love of the horrible." "Good thing for you!" she retorted, "or you might havo been a bachelor to your dying day."?Life. AN AGREEABLE ALTERNATIVE. Algernon (rich and beauteous)?Albertina, I love you. Albertina?But I have only been introduced to you five minutes! "Do you wish me to liate you?" "Oh! no!" (The cards are out.)?Time. The hcrse of Major Foster, of the Essex Hunt (England), slipped and fell with his rider into a ditch, and the latter died from suffocation before the horse could be pulled off. DIPTHERIA. The Symptoms of this Dreaded Disease.?Its Treatment. D. N. Parson^, M. P., writes as folI lows in the Aeic England liowActv'r. ! This much dreaded affection is an independent, acute, specific, infectious and coutajrlous disease involving the mucous sr.ru: ces of (he throat r.nd nasal mi nr-foii/linrr f/l nil tTlH nfl. j puoauyu.-., iiiivii - ? j jacent mucous monduau's. This disease ) is often ejndemio aiul frequently is j endemic in eoi tii n places and attacks | persons of all ages, sexes and conditions : in life. The aetiology or causes of diptheria are numerous. While the disease itself is not hereditary, yet a child of low vitality and of s.-rofula habits is much more likely to have it than one who is of a strong and healthy constitution. J Unfavorable sanitary surroundings, a lack of proper and sufficient food, insufficient clothing and frequent exposure to the wet nnd cold are among the pred'sposing causes of this disease. Diphtheria is most common between the ages of two and ten. It is quite rare after thirty; but there are times especially during epidemics, when it attacks I pcupiu UI ail Ugt.'S, iiurn jauujuuj uv uiu age. Symptoms.?The symptoms of diptheria are both genera! and local. During the first day or two thero is a feeling of ! languor and prostration, with pains in I t':e bajk and limbs and some headache. I Subsequently there is soreness of the ! tlir.iat and augles of the. jaw, together with difficulty in swallowing. As these symptoms increase there is more or less chilliness, followed by fever, and soon the fauces are seen to be red and swollen, the tonsils and uvula are enlarged and covered with the diptheritic deposit. The presence of this "false membrane" always clearly defines the disease. Occasionally many of these symptoms are wanting, and the first indication that anything is wrong a well defined appearance of the disease. Such cases are usually of a more malignant type and consequently more apt to be fatal. The duration is from seven to fourteen days, although severe cases may have a fatal termination in from forty-eight hours to four days. Treatment.?The treatment of this disease should be prompt, energetic and persistent. Medical aid should in every case at once bo summoned. The basin of treatment is both hygienic and medicinal. Isolation of all those not absolutely obliged to assist in the care of the pat ent is imperative; especially is this true of young children. The air of the room should be kept at a temperature of about 70 degrees to 73 degrees .inrl no rmto nc if /??n Via bv nfpflflv. non Ftftnt ventilation. Some one or more of the bebt disinfectants should be employed freely. All cloths and in fact everything that can possibly be spared, should bo*lnu*ned after they are used. The air of the room should also be kept moist. Local applications and medicines which are ordered by the physician should be used at the time and manner which he directs. We would imprets this upon the attention of all who have the nursing of patients ill with diphtl o-ia. The diet should be plain but nourishing. It is very important to kf ep up the strength and patients should be urged to take nourishment at regular intervals, even though they do not want it. Do not ro'nx the treatment until you are sure that a 1 tendency to the formation of "false membrane" is overcome. After the disease is passed patients 6hould take special care to tone up the system and bring about as soon as possible a normal and healthy condition of the body. Remember that diphtheria is a poison disease acting primarily upon the whole system, and it is therefore necessary to fortify the body against subsequent attacks. . Diphteria is liable to be followed by important sequelae, principally of the nervous system. These often postpone complete recovery lor several weeKS, dul are rarely fatal. The Common House Fly. The common house fly is one of th* most widely distributed insets, and yet very little known of its life history. Professor Packard, in his great work, "Guide to the Study of Insects," says: "No one has traced the transformations of this fly in this country." Figuier, in his magnificent illustrated work, "The Insect World," after briefly describing the house fly, says: "Every one knows how annoying it is toward the end of summer, and especially so in the south of France during the hot season." But he gives no information in regard to its habits, where it breeds und lives in the larva or grub state. We have also consulted a largo number of entomological works published in this country in recent years without discovering any additional information in regard to the life history of tho house fly. It is supposed, however, that the females deposit their eggs in all kinds of decaying vegetable ami animal substances, where they hatch, and the grubs feed until they are transformed into reddish-brown pupce, from wincfl tne perfect flics issue during the warm weather in summer and autumn. "Whether the eggs laid late in the season pass the -winter safely or after becoming grubs remain half or wholly dormant until spring is at present un-. known. But as house flies are found in their perfect state in houses and other buildings during tho winter, it may be that the entire summer broods are the progeny of these few individual carried over from one season to the next.?New York Sun. Blasting Holes to Plant Trees. "Few people elsewhere in tho world may ever have heard of blasting holes to plant shade or fruit trees," said a cultivator the other day,' 'yet the practice is common here and shows good results. In most places there is found sufficient top soil for any purpose, but as land has become valuable people have cast about for means to utilize lands where tho coarse sand rock comes too near the surface for successful tree planting. A blast, well put in, creates a pocket for broken rock mixed with top soil, which furnishes a basin to hold moisture as well as a deeper and cooler hold for | the roots. It is yet too early to say what will be the ultimate results of such planting, but in a climate like ours, where a superfluity of rainfall is not likely to occur, it will no doubt be successful.?San Diego (Cal.) Union. "JONES HE PAYS THE FREfCWT" Scales of all Sizes. 5 Ton Wagon Scale with Brass Tare Beam and Beam Box. $60. For free Price List of all kinds, addrett JONES OF BINCHAMTON, BINCHKMTON. N. V. American From tlioRural Horn a. We do not know of ?ny one whose ~bi<?graphical sketch would be more welcome to our readers than that of General Edward F. | Jones, the present Lieutenant-Governor of the State or New York, but known In a busl- ; ness way all over the world tZ 'Jones of Blnghampton." The oddity of the appellation at once strikes every one, attracting attention and arousing curiosity. It was adopted for advertising purposes, and has accomplished its ob'ect. Jones of Blnghampton has secured both fame ana rortnne Dy noerai advertising- Jtie was i ^orn In Utica, N. Y., Jnne 8d, 1828, brought l p In Massachusetts, his early youth spent > a a farm, whore he,acqnlred such tastes that iae smell of the soil and the society of farmers ?r still very agreeable to him. He finds re- ' taxation from active business and public life In attendance at farmers' gatherings, fairs, picnics and Granges, which he often addresses. This has given him a wider acquaintance, and his "every-day manners" have probably secured him more personal triends than any other public or private citizen in the State. He Is one of the early members in New York and has been for ten years an officer in the State Granee. His boyhood passed without distinguishing events. He early went into active life, and has always been known as a hard working, diligent business man- When the war of ' rebellion broke out, he was among the earliest volunteers, and was Colonel command- ' lng the old Sixth Massachusetts regiment, in Its famous march through Baltimore, the first regiment to arrive at Washington and to which was accorded the credit of Bavlng the capitol. After the close of the war he left Massachusetts and establised the Jones Scale Works at Binghampton, N. Y.. where, byenergy and perseverance, he has built up a large and prosperous business, and by a systemef fair dealing has gained the confidance nd respect ofi 'all who know him. He isaaman or the people. General Jones has put the agricultural world under a very great obligation to himself for his manner of doing business and for i the excellence of the goods he supplies and the prices he charges. He has been a regular and steady patron of this paper under Its new management, and we can unhesitatingly eommend the General and his scales to the attention and patronage of our people generally. OjNJb OtfwLci n..<*w'3U ' t TMsnsAy lot jiW ?v?<v?) Jc htosw) Adft -AS) UN) QAviUinxv^SX - MACHINERY.! 1 ENGINES Steam&Water BOILERS Plpa & FlttiBg c SAWMILLS BrassValws 6RIST HILLS SAWS ' i 5nttnnPfB8?(!s files i shafting injectors i pulleys PUMPS ? hangers Water Wheels COTTON BINS CASTINGS gearing Brass and Iron f a full stock of Supplies, efieap & gootf. * [ BELTING, PACKING and OiL f at BOTTOM PRICES ^ AND IN STOCK FOR / PROMPT DELIVERY. ( |?" Repairs Promptlf Done. ^3 J GEO. R. LOMBARD & CO. IV Foundry, Machine and Boiler Ife Works, AUGUSTA, GA. ? U 9 ABOVE PASSF/NTfVET? DTTPnT. BttaBHWWWMBBHgWWWBgWW .J i WWjJ John B. Lynch, BARBER. Solicits the patronage of the public, and guarantees'good voik. He will be found at all hours in hja shop ever Lethco & Montsomery' 8tore T AGENTS WANTED. (Only J2.75.) T EARTHSEA=SKY or Marvels of the Univcroe; u Braphlc description of the wonderful thing* in Nature ; thrilling adventures ^ on Land and Sea?renowned discoveries of great explorers Published ii^Knurllsh and Oerinan^^68 paffes, 329 illustrations. A Qius-ax trated circular* and extra tunnstoa?ent.-< FKEfi. FOfMHKE A McMAKI-V. Cincinnati. O. n czm PERFE CT 1\| in0] l y || // Coffee and Tea, better than any1 I I ]// thing now tn use ; saves V or the I (r*y& IU Coffee and can be used with any I I \^*r\ I? Coffee or Tea Pot. Sample will be I / lb&>\ 1 sent by mall for twenty cents in lr \4h,\ I stamps. Agent* Wanted to \ii\ send for full particulars of this an(i otter font soiling; articles. 1 Forihee* McMtkln, Cincinnati,0. ' THE JEWELER. The Largest Stock of Diamonds, Watehes, Solid Silver Ware, Clocks, and Bridal Presents in the. South. SOLE AGENTS FOR THE CELEBRATED ROCKFORD RAIL ROAD WATCH. Send or call and get one of_ my Elgin or Waltham Solid Silver Hunting case Stem-winding watches 'for $12.00. Every one invited to call and inspec! my stock, while n nrfv ' JLU IUO Uitj Wm, Scfcwelgert, Tie Leader Corner Broad and 7th, Augusta, Q? , * ' ' i Pendleton Foundry and Machine Works, CHARLES F. LOMBARD, Prop'r, M. PENDLETON, Supt. MANUFACTURER OF AND DEALER IN Mil* Machinery, Engines and Supplies, REPAIR WORK PROMPTLY DONE. Iron Fronts Balconies, Fencing, Cresting, &c., a specialty. ? rs-* r> j__ r>r\ir Tr_11 1. M14-I.N i\OS. OJ.O XO JVUllUtB. ^ xJL IU/ Augiista> Oa. . E. R. SCHNEIDER, Importer, Wholesale and Retail Dealer* ESTABLISHED 1846 ALWAYS ON HAND THE FINEST WINES, BRANDIES, GINS, PORTERS, ALES, MINERAL WATERS AND THE BEST SELECTION OF whiskies :| That can be found in the United States. Sole agent for Feu re Clicquot Ponsardin, Urbana Wine Company Anheuser-Busch Bottled Beer, \ ^ j 301 and 802 Broad Street, August a, 6a SSTWe are Agents for and carry a full line of Town an d Coun ;ry and Magnolia tEADY MIXED PAINTS, JOHNSON'S KALSOMINE AND FRESCO PAINTS, MAXWELL'S PREPARED GYPSUM, (or death to Whitewash), SENOUR'S FLOOR PAINTS AND STAINS, lEAL'S CARRIAGE AND ORNAMENTAL PAINTS, BUTCHER'S FLOOR POLISHES, HOWE'S SCALES AND MARVIN'S SAFES. ' Also have in stock all of the leading brands of* \ VHITE LEADS, ZINCS, COLORS, ALABASTINE, Etc, ULS, for all purposes. NAVAL STORE SUPPLIES. SHIP CHANDLERY, Etc. ,argest Stock to Select from, Best Material and Lowest Possible Prices. WILLIAM M. BIRD & CO., CHARLESTON. 8. 0, I CAPT. J. T. Y0UNGBL00D 'B ?lias recently moved from Troy and opened an? . J IMMENSE STOCKJ * OF ^ J Flour, Bacon, and a full line of Fancy and w j Family Groceries, also a full Stock of T DRY-GOODS, BOOTS AND SHOES, NOTIONS, CLOTHING, nATS, flj H And in fact everything kept in a first class General Merchandise Store at WALLERS OLD 5JTAND on Depot St. | GREENWOOD. S. C. WM. ci.ETEE^""= 1EAL ESTATE 4 ffiiANCE AGENT GREENWOOD, S. C. t riuri t o. n inn LLA V LLL 06 UAUL, MARBLE WORKS* Greenwood, - - S. 0.