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memo from The Crime Boss CLAYTON KALE WATSONPHIL@HOTMAIL.COM I To: All criminals in the Columbia area From: The Crime Boss Re: Recent murder near campus Fellow criminals: Now'you’ve done it. You went and killed an attorney, a federal attorney at that. Where are all the lessons I taught you? How many times have I told you at our monthly crime seminars that the only victims of crime in Columbia are to be the students? How many times? You are all getting sloppy. Now that it’s a “grown-up,” and a federal thug to boot, something might happen to curb crime. I’m not talking about authorities adding more barrel-chested doughnut jockeys at the Circle K in Five Points. The parking lot „ has reached its critical mass of coppers. It would be something more sinister, something a little more effective.... After all these years, you still - haven’t learned the most important lesson: students are the only fair game if we are to keep our jobs as criminals. Remember that kid Dan Duke? That was a good job, fellas. We laid that fool _ out. He’s still in a coma. (And we did the crime more than a year ago!) I bet his friends and family are still asking questions about that one! Remember: nothing happens when the students get hurt. Maybe an article in that campus rag, The Gamecock or a brief on page 7B in The State. But, no! You had to go and kill a U.S. attorney. Did you see the Aug. 22 issue of The State? A front-page article and two very prominent articles in the Metro section. Three articles about the assault and murder. Headlines blare: “Residents worry about safety after fatal shooting Monday.” The paper is quoting people calling for more lighting in and around Five Points. Lighting is a street criminal’s worst enemy. Where will we go if Five Points is all lit up? Think about all those nice shadows we hide in now. They will all disappear. We’ll be driven from business as students and other drunkards see shady characters just standing around. We need to think, criminals! Luckily, it sounds like the city is already dragging its feet about installing lighting in Five Points, and the administration isn’t likely to push for the safety of its students, either. They have this wonderful line about how Five Points isn’t campus, so they don’t have the authority to put up lighting near or in Five Points. We’re lucky that they don’t care that at any given moment, hundreds of USC students are in Five Points drinking, working or just passing through. We’ll probably be OK, my fellow criminals. Nothing passes from the mind so fast as bad news. Just remember, don’t attack the people who might inspire some sort of change in the environment that would damage our business. And remember, you attack the students, take their money, then lay low. All will be forgotten, and the university will tout its “nationally accredited” team of doughnut jockeys. We’ll probably be OK, my fellow criminals. Football season will be here soon, the newspapers will have forgotten about the murder, the shadows will remain and it’ll be open season once again. MORE SUMMER CARTOONS YOUR MISSION IS TO HUNT DOWN AND KILL ANYONE WHO THREATENS THE PEACE AND STABILITY OF ISRAEL UM....PRESENT COMPANY EXCEPTED. msssesssm n f\/£R /DIDN'T YOU GET ArX I — > i CARTOONS COURTESY COLLEGE PRESS EXCHANGE Campaign Fund-raising changes campus CONTINUED FROM PAGE A17 increasing the value of our diplomas. Twenty McNair scholars entered the university this year. In some cases, these students would doubtlessly have come to the university anyway. But in some cases, the McNair award was likely the deciding factor. And the other gifts also aren’t just made-for-press release handouts. Some of the money from countless other awards go toward scholarships, and others go toward endowed chairs and professorships, which help the university draw some of the highest-caliher teachers in the nation. It’s hard for those of us currently on campus to imagine a university without the Bicentennial Campaign, though we hardly notice the changes it has made. Indeed, the university’s fund-raising accomplishments will likely rank among President John Palms’ greatest accomplishments, second only to the restoration of the university’s credibility after Holderman’s disgraceful exit. So, when it came time for me to give the university desk a hand for this semester’s first issue, I chose to do the story on the capital campaign. After all, that’s one press release worth writing about. Si Welcome Back USC Students! "v '■ ■■■' - i . Sera Tec can help you EARN SOME FAST CASH! New donors can earn up to $110.00 in 2 weeks! Bring ID with date of birth A social security number. Hours: Mon., Wed., A Fri. - 7:30 - 4:00 Tues. A Thurs. - 7:30 - 5:00 • Sat. - 9:00 -1:00 Dorm Room Carpot Cheap! 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