The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, April 30, 2001, Image 9
'Hit (Bamecock
Special Guest Commentary
Clemson student wants a transfer
)wdy, Gamecock
I students, my name is
[.Billy Joe Bumnuts. I go
to Clempson Universitty and I
hate it so much that Im applying
for a transfer to USC in the fall
semester. I’m hoping y’all will
be so nice as to let me out of this
Billy Joe hellhole and into a real place of
Bumnuts higher institution,
is a freshman Clempson is the worst
agriculture major school ever. Everyone there is
at Clemson obsessive over turkey shoots and
University. cow tippin’ and Clempson
He can be reached footba11311(111 is » st00Pld-1116
at HoveWoodys® P***16there 316 such jerks, and
clemson.edu. my Mer studenls included-1
want to get out of here so bad
and be a Gamecock. I pray
everynight that it happens and I
even sleep in Gamecock pajamas.
I like sports much and when I come there (please
God) in the fall I want to work for The Gamecock
and write sports articels. I want to be the sports editor.
Kyle the current sports editor is so cool and he was
really nice and let me contribute already with this.
He wants me to expose the real Clempson. So here
is a “behind the seenes” look at Clempson.
Rod Gardner was my lab partner in byology class
and he told me that he pushed off in the USC game
and that he did it on porpose and liked it. He even
cheated on all his tests but he still never got anything
better then a C. I tried to tell him that it wasnt right
to cheat, that cheating was bad, but he just pushed
me away like I was Andre Goodman or something.
When I first came to Clempson I wanted to be
a mananger for the football team, and i was one. It
was fun for a little bit but then the coaches started
taking advantage of me. One in particular would tap
me on the butt all the time and call me his favorite
“tight end” and then he would laugh, and I didn’t like
that very much.
So then I quit being manager of football. I also
wanted to concentrate on my classes. They were so
hard!!! In my math class we were learning
multiplication tables and that was almost impossibel.
Basket weaving was fun, and so was Introduction to
Trees, but my profesors were so strikt!
I was so glad when football season ended, I couldnt
wait for basketball season. I thought Adam Allenspach
was the best player of alltime. But then I saw Tony
Kitchings take a dump on him in Columbia and I
figgered out that he was not that grate. Then we also
lost a gazillion games in the ACC so that made the
season not fun at all.
Basketball season was specially hard for me because
I was dealing with a tough breakup with my girlfriend
Bobby Sue. I loved her so much but then my momma
told me we were half-brother and sister so we had to
breakup. She was such a hotty, she looked like Britney
Spears, just a little hevier and with more facial hair.
Thats another reason I wanna come to USC, I heard
the girls there dont have facial hair.
Clempson is no fun. Everyones idea of a good
time is drinking hooch and going to walmart but i
dont think that was very fun. I also do not like the
turkey shootings or the cow tippings. Animal crulty
is not very nice.
I want to be a Gamecock so bad. I want to have
good sports teams and hot girls and I want to have a
good time that doesnt involve falling back prices or
shotguns. I want to lem how to be the best journalism
person ever and take intertesting classes.
Please if you are reading this, help! Let me be a
real man. I never want to wear orange overallls again
and I want to root on Lou Holt. I will promise to
make the school proud and be a good stoodent. Just
get me out of here! Go Cocks!
Twins
from page Gaan
team, was taken in by Frank and Carol
Meyer, who live in Charleston. There,
he blossomed into a major league prospect
during his years at Bishop England High
School and was drafted in 1999 by the
Los Angeles Dodgers. Meyer chose to
attend USC instead and soon became one
of college baseball’s best.
Brewer, a sophomore tailback for
USC’s football team, was adopted by
Momma and Poppa Brewer and moved
to Troy, Ohio. Fate led him back to
Columbia, where he starred in last
season’s 24-7 Outback Bowl victory over
Ohio State.
As the two athletes shined on the
field for Carolina, their strong
resemblance to one another could not
be ignored, and mutual friends insisted
they get DNA tests.
Neither Meyer nor Brewer could be
reached for comment after the tests, but
sources say they were understandably
shocked by the results.
USC fans, on the other hand, were
not.
“I sort of figured they were [twins],”
said Bill Hick, a longtime Gamecock fan.
“If they weren’t twins, they had to be
related somehow. They just look too
much alike.”
Ricky Stallone, agraduate student at
Carolina, agreed.
“They’re spitting images of one
another,” Stallone said. “And both are so
talented athletically. I’m not surprised
at all.”
The Meyers and Brewers, as well as
Big Spur, weren’t reached for comment
because we couldn’t be bothered.
The sports desk can be reached at
XXXpictures@sex.com
Sports Briefs
■ Copy editors
applaud departure
of Eddie ‘Folger1
Copy editors at The Gamecock are
still celebrating the departure of former
USC men’s basketball head coach Eddie*
Fogler and the hiring of his replacement,
Dave Odom, someone with a less
complicated last name.
“Thank God that’s over,” one copy
editor said. “If I saw Fogler’s name spelled
‘Folger’ one more time, I would have
pounded a writer into coffee grounds.”
The copy editor expressed confidence
that the writers would be able to spell
‘Odom’ without any problems.
“However, if I start seeing ‘Dave
Doom’ pop up everywhere, I’m going to
blast them with a machine gun like
they were demons or something.”
■ Men’s tennis forfeits
* after NWO run-in
me ux s iiieii b ieiiiiu> ieiuii wiu>
doing well against Wake Forest -on
Thursday, but the match was called off
after it was invaded by the most elite
wrestling group of 1997.
“I was getting ready to serve the
match point, when this big guy came in
and kicked me right in the face,” said
Seth Rose. “He said something about
seeing me on Sunday in Chicago, which
is odd, since we have a match at Clemson
that day.”
The group, led by non-tennis stars
Scott Norton and Vincent, said it was
establishing a “new world order of
tennis.”
The biggest shock of all, however,'
came when Guillaume Legat attempted
to save Rodrigo Pacheco from being
piledriven into the court, only to blast '
him with a chair a few seconds later.
Legat ripped off his jersey to reveal
an NWO shirt underneath, and then told
the fans in attendance that they could
“stick it, brother.”
■ Ultimate frisbee
team still undefeated
Carolina’s ultimate frisbee team is
still undefeated after knocking off
Tennessee 77-6 Saturday at P.E. Center
Field D.
Jim Douchebag scored three
somethings for the ’Cocks, including a
43-yard catch. Fuck Clentson. Francisco
Franchesca added a couple catches and
ran well with the frisbee, I suppose.
www.petty4heisman.com
GAMECOCK 11
challenge
Brock Vergakis-Board of Publications
Mike McGee-Eddie Fogler
Derek Watson-Student Basketball Referee
Lou Holtz-Mike Tyson and Lennox Lewis
Dr. Palms-Dr. Dre
Britney Spears-Christina Aguilera
Jennifer Lopez-Jennifer Love Hewitt
Alpha Delta Pi-Delta Delta Delta
Brooke Burke-Jules Asner
Roseanne-Rosie O’Donnell
Brock Brock Brock Brock 1st Amend.
Odom Fogler McGee Fogler Fogler
Watson Watson Watson Watson Watson
Holtz Holtz Holtz Holyfield Don Klhg
Ed Lover Dre Dre Palms Dre
Britney Britney Britney Christina Britney
Both Love Hewitt Love Hewitt Lopez Love Hewitt
AD Pi Tri-Delts Tri-Delts AD PI AD Pi
Brooke Brooke Andy Griffith Brooke Brooke
Kill Me Roseanne Roseanne Go Cocks Recount!
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