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Sports David Cioninger a.k.a. Dale Murphy Pete Johnson a.k.a. Don Mattingly Fightin words for World Series T wo Gamecock columnists recently got into a heated ar gument in the newsroom over the baseball playoffs. Here is a transcript of the exchange that took place. Assistant Spots Editor David Qoninger How the hell do you walk home the winning run in a game that sends the winner to the World Series? Too bad for the Mets. Assistant Encore Editor Pete Johnson: One man’s loss is an other’s gain. Abase hit would’ve been more dignified for “Amer ica’s Team,” as some might call them. I can say I’m a little dis appointed there isn’t a subway series, but the better team won. DC: I can’t help it that Kenny Rogers screwed up, just like he did in the 1996 World Series. As for that “America’s Team” tag, Ted Turner stole it from the Cowboys fair and square. PJ: Why is it human nature to label everything? God didn’t invent the label-maker for some money-grubbing old bastard with an exercise video-toting wife to carry around with him, just in case it comes in handy. Is Yankee Stadium labeled “The World’s Most Celebrated Ballpark”? No, it goes without say ing. DC: No, actually, it has the label of “The Bronx Zoo,” be cause fans who inhabit that dump are just a couple of rungs up on the evolutionary ladder. If the park is so celebrated, why does Geoigie Poigie keep threatening to move to Connecticut? PJ: Because “Da Bronx” is supposedly unsafe, when in fact, the area around the stadium is a lot safer than the USC campus has been lately. It’s all about money, and Geoige WOULD move the team, but he won’t dare because all those evolutionary cretins that everyone in the South loves to hate would chase him down like witchhunters. That’s just the kind of fans we have: DEDI CATED, LOYAL, PASSIONATE, something Hot-lanta lacks. DC Where were all these so-called fans when the Yankees need ed a telescope to see the A.L. East division winner in 1990? Seems to me a team that’s won two of the last three champi onships and set a record for most victories in a season would have sold out more than two games this year. Editor in Chief Sara Ladenham: Shut up, dammit! Get to work! PJ (hi a slightly subdued voice): Anyway, I haven’t seen too many sold-out Braves games this season, either. But you won’t ever see a Yankee fan sitting down in the late innings of the play offs. “The House That Ruth Built” has been feared by every player since it was put up. Even the most intimidating pitcher is just a scared kitten when he fust takes the mound there. DC Mainly because they’re in the only stadium in America where they could get pelted with D-cell batteries or shot be fore the first pitch. Didn’t the Braves beat the Yankees two out of three this year at “The House That ‘Former Home Run Record Holder Before Hank Aaron Came Along’ Ruth Built”? PJ (Dodging a right hook): Yes, the Yanks did seem a bit bored playing regular-season games this year. What really matters is what goes down in October, where your team DOESN’T talk smack about their opponent. At least the Mets didn’t “go home and put their Yankee hats on,” as some suggested. DC GXickmg as a stapler smashes into the wall above him): So Chipper Jones, I mean Mr. N.L. MVP, and John Rocker, the Met-Killer, opened their big mouths. They backed it up pret ty well. And if the Yankees have so much class, how come they refused to sign autographs for a little boy after the 1978 World Series but did sign the bare butt of a blonde who got on the team bus? Wasn’t that the same Series where George got in a fight with a fan on an elevator? PJ: Disco does strange things to mortal men, but stay with me. This is 1999, and these Yankees are, pardon the horrible pun, “Stayin’Alive.” If you want to talk about class, doesn’t LAR RY Jones have some illegitimate children roaming around? DC (Attempting to maim Johnson with a telephone): No, he only has one illegitimate kid running around, and at least he claimed the boy instead of having him escape from the coun try, like your No. 1 waste of space, “El Duque.” Shouldn’t someone tell him his nickname sounds like a bathroom code? PJ: Well, he has been dominating this postseason, and he does n’t have to sprint out from the bullpen like a madman, he just uses that high leg kick. I’m just waiting for the day when John Rocker’s head explodes after a bad call on balls and strikes. He looks like a bright guy though, doesn’t he? I guarantee he was your typical glorified high school jock. You can look into his eyes and see there’s nothing upstairs. Rocker is the kind of guy who threw high and inride brushback pitches in little league. DC Yeah, but YOU tell him. That kid still loves the game and tries his hardest, and I guess he’s at least smart enough not to get caught with a hooker or cocaine, unlike Darryl Strawber rv J Managing Editor Kenley Young; Uh, guys, I’m getting some complaints down the hall ...why is this window broken? PJ and DC (Pointing fingers at each other): HE DID IT!!! KY (storming out of the room): I hope you realize this is coming out of your pay. PJ (Firing a robber band toward Dave’s fke): I’m not going to make any excuses for Darryl. Personally, I think announcers and fans fuss over him too much. He’s a good power threat, as you can see by his two home runs this postseason. DC (Jumping across the desk to choke Pete): He’s nothing but a drugged-out former athlete who had one to many hits on the glass pipe. In Atlanta, we take pride in hiring only quality athletes who play the game extremely well. PJ: Speaking of drugs, isn’t Otis Nixon back with the Bravos? Wfell, we can both say this: At least neither of them writes checks with “for drugs” written on them. And as for “quality athletes,” don’t make me laugh. Between Bemie Williams’ speed, Paul O’Neill’s cannon arm and Derek Jeter’s defensive prowess, I think we have a lot to brag about in terms of quality. DC: Let’s see: Bemie has about a .089 World Series average, O’Neill was in Cincinnati for six seasons and got traded (Coin cidentally, his average rose 200 points when he started facing A.L. pitchers) and Derek Jeter is too busy trying to figure out if he’s really dating Mariah Carey to pay much attention to base ball. If I really want to make you laugh, I’ll say: “The New York Yankees are the epitome of classy, well-played baseball.” PJ: What makes me laugh is your ignorance. The Yankees are the greatest professional sports team ever, not to mention the most celebrated, successful and historic. Braves fans are just bit ter because the Yankees have always been better and always will be. The Buffalo Bills of baseball always seem to set them selves up for the big one, but they have neither the heart nor tLn riArit-n ♦ linn tl DC datetrupting): I’ll give you a big one right upside your head, you son of a...! Following this exchange, Dave and Pete grappled violent ly around the newsroom, e ven knocking out Sports Editor Jared Kelowitz with an errantly thrown keyboard. They were later seen limping to the IHOPafiera fall from a third-floor window. NATIONAL rOOTBALL CONFERENCE East Division W L Home Road Div Str Dallas 4 2 3-0 1-2 3-2 W-l Washington 4 2 1-1 3-1 2-2 L-l New York Giants 4 3 3-1 1-2 1-2 W-2 Arizona 2 4 1-2 1-2 2-2 L-l Philadelphia 2 5 1-2 1-3 1-2 L-l Central Division Detroit 4 2 2-1 2-1 2-0 W-2 Green Bay 4 2 3-0 1-2 2-1 W-l Tampa Bay 3 3 2-1 1-2 0-2 W-l Chicago 3 4 2-2 1-2 1-0 L-2 Minnesota 3 4 2-2 1-2 1-3 W-l West Division St. Louis 6 0 4-0 2-0 3-0 W-6 San Francisco 3 4 2-1 1-3 1-2 L-3 Carolina 2 4 1-2 1-2 1-1 L-l New Orleans 1 5 1-2 0-3 1-2 L-5 Atlanta 1 6 0-3 1-3 1-2 L-2 American Football Conference East Division W L Home Road Div Str Miami 5 1 2-1 3-0 2-1 W-3 New England 5 2 3-1 2-1 2-1 W-l Indianapolis 4 2 3-1 1-1 2-2 W-2 Buffalo 4 3 3-1 1-2 2-1 L-2 New York Jets 1 6 0-4 1-2 0-3 L-3 Central Division Tennessee 5 1 3-0 2-1 4-0 W-2 Jacksonville 5 1 2-1 3-0 2-1 W-3 Pittsbuigh 4 3 1-2 3-1 3-1 W-2 Baltimore 2 4 1-2 1-2 1-2 L-3 Cincinnati 1 6 0-3 1-3 1-2 L-2 Cleveland 0 7 0-3 0-4 0-5 L-7 West Division San Diego 4 2 2-2 2-0 2-0 L-l Kansas City 4 2 3-0 1-2 1-1 W-2 Seattle 4 2 2-1 2-1 1-1 W-l Oakland 4 3 2-1 2-2 0-2 W-2 Denver 2 5 1-2 1-3 1-1 L-l Tuesday’s Top News World Series • Yankees one step closer to World Series after Game 3 win • PGA cancels play Friday for Payne Stewart’s memorial ser vice • Miami Dolphins’ QB Marino out for at least one more week with pinched nerve •Minnesota bans men’s basketball team from postseason play • Curtis Strange to captain 2001 U.S. Ryder Cup team mmmmmmmmmsMmseiiBmrufssttBsmsMSKHsmw* Bowl Championship Series Standings 1. 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