The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, January 21, 1980, Page Page 11, Image 11
Left Hand 7^
home, then."
"Good thinking, Marci. We'll
just forget about the odd crucially
important phone call."
"Okay, 'bye." Click.
1 went to the CPD first to check
with Hobbs. Detective Eddie
Hobbs had a cute little habit of
exchanging information for
financial reimbursement. Maybe I
could interest him in a rummytum-tum
or two.
44Yeah, we got something like
that," he said, downing his umpteenth
Dr Penner of tho morning
-r I o
"A call came in this morning from
the Smith household in Lexington.
Something about a male
Caucasian, deceased, dressed like
a Gong Show washout. Here's the
address."
I stuck the paper in my pocket.
"Thanks, Eddie. I'll check back."
"Hey, Philbert. Had any action
lately? I mean, it's been pretty dull
for me..."
"I got you," I said. I handed him
MrirciV nhnrw> nnml?>r "lloro'c rt
real hot dish." Should be a quiet
evening. Just Marci, and Eddie,
and Marci's parents, from whom
she inherited her remarkable
intellectual capacity.
I caught a bus out to Lexington
and only had to go to six or seven places
before I found the right one.
I wnlkpH in tho front Hnnr naul thr?
WARNING POLICE LINE barrier
and heard kids wailing. I shuddered.
Kids make me break out.
I rounded a corner into the living
room. A brightly-lit Christmas tree
was blinking away merrily. Underneath
the tree sprawled the
very dead body of a chubby old
man with whiskers, wearing a furtrimmed
red suit and shiny black
boots.
"What's the story?" 1 asked
Doug Fletcher, the police dick on
the scene.
"Looks like a heart attack
About 3a.m."
"ID.?"
"None. You know him?"
"Think so." I walked over to the
' little boy and little girl crying into
their mother's skirt "Hi. there," 1
said to tne link' boy. And what s
your name?"
"Hie," he said, stabbing me with
a plastic soldier. 1 came out of my
erouch planning to drop-kick him
into the next century before I got
hold of myself.
"Are you sad because Santa's
dead?"
"Who cares about Santa? I didn't
get my All-Pro Football game or
my Realistic World War Two Tank
or my Fully Operational Star Wars
Light Sabre so's I could kill
Rhonda."
His little sister said, "Oh, yeah?
Well, if I could have gotten my
Official Wonder Woman Magic
Lasso, I wouldn've turned you into
a frog! Or my Certified Bee Gees
Tennis Racket, or my Shaun
Cassidy Shoe Tree, or my Billy
Joel Wallpaper..."
I looked over my shoulder. "I
think I know what killed the old
guy, Fletch. Book these two kids.
Murder One."
"Wait a minute," Fletcher
replied. "Look over here."
I stepped across the portly
corpse to look into the big cloth bag
he was holding open. Inside were
hundreds of electronic games:
Beeper Bowling, Circuitry
Skeetshooting, Rheostat
Rowboats. All the games were
blinking and making annoying
nuises.
"See?" Fletcher asked. "All of
them were set to go off at once. The
sudden noise must have triggered
a heart attack."
"Beeped to death," I muttered.
"What a rotten way to go."
("Homicide, no question," Doug
decided. "But who?"
"I think I might know," I said,
plucking a small paper flower
from Sin int MinU-'c hnltnnhnlp "I'll
SI check back."
I went to a deserted warehouse
P by the river. A sign nailed on the
door said, "The All-Islam People's
Temple of Hare Krishna BornAgain
Muhammadist Scien|
tology."
| In answer to my knock a smiling
face peered out. "Yes, Brother?"
"Do you have a second?" I
asked. "I'm from the Unification
oage 9
Church of Charismatic Buddhism,
and I was wondering if you'd like to
make a small donation in exchange
for one of our hand-made flowers."
"I don't think so. We give out
flowers just like that. See?" he
asked, holding up an identical
flower.
"Just as I thought," I growled,
flashing my badge. "Why did you
knock off Santa Claus?"
The next thing 1 knew I was tied
up in a chair with a bunch of
vaguely foreign-looking types
standing around with
semiautomatic weapons. I felt like
someone had used my head for an
Air Force target range.
"Wake up, American dog," said
a guard, poking me in a rather
uncomfortable spot with his gun
barrel. "Your 'trial' is in an hour,
heh heh."
"Okay, okay." I said wearily. "I
just gotta know one thing. Why
Santa Claus?" I worked silently at
loosening the ropes. They may be
terrorists, but Boy Scouts they
weren't.
"A false god!" the man
screamed. "What good is a
spiritual being who is kind,
generous and loving? Gods must
be mean, cruel and feared!"
"Gods?" I queried, "Or their
ppSpillSl
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followers?"
"Silence, pig! You will meet the
wrath of Allah soon enough."
I felt the bonds loosen and tried a
ploy. "Look !" I cried, peering over
their shoulders. "The Ayatollah!"
When the guards whirled, 1 shed
the ropes, jumped crashing
through a nearby window and
called Hobbs to send an arrest
detail. It was over fast.
The ell appeared, handing over I
ten crisp hundreds. "We understand
you like this kind of
present better."
"Indeed." I said. "What are you
going to do about another Santa?"
"Oh. we're already taking applications.
We're real interested in
this Ted Kennedy guy ..."
"Never mind," I said, heading
lor my oil ice. When 1 got there, my
ex-wife's lawyer was sitting at my
desk Hobbs was standing bv him.
"Sorry. Phil," Hobbs smiled.
"Kit her cough up your back
alimony or go to the clink."
"You must have met Marci." I
said sadly, handing over the
hardly-warm thou to the lawyer.
So there I was. Marci was out
somewhere confusing people. Mv ;
ex-wife was buying a thousand
dollars' worth of Woolco's with my
money. Somewhere in Lexington. J
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two kids were strangling each
other. And far aboye my head. Te d
Kennedy was learning to fly a
sleigh.
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