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a|p51ii5iMiB5y51STi It was a hot day in Columbia, the kind of day when my second-floor walk-up office imitates a Turkish sauna. I was sitting at my desk, cleaning my gun and taking occasional swigs from a bottle of stuff that makes you forget the heat when in walks this blonde with a set of curves that put the entire American highway system to shame. I felt warmth spread in my loins. I looked down and saw that I had spilled my gun oil all over my lap. "Philbert? Philbert Foiley?" she asked in a voice dripping with melted caramel. I've always hated that name. Other Pis get named Clint, or Mike, or Dirk. Me? Philbert. "Just Phil, honey," I cleverly rAnllM) "TV? v/ui tnct Ufallr aivuin/l v|ruv\?? W JVM VT?U% Clft VU1IU snapping old men out of senility, or are you here for a reason?" She nestled into a chair, crossed her legs and patted down her short skirt. I furtively checked to see if my heart was still beating. "Jimmy, the President, wants to see you," she purred. "Oh, come now, is he still mad that I pushed him overboard when ? we were in the Navy together? i 'TRUST me. Phil.' he kept saving. I I all the time he was cheating at cards. Personally, I hope that Kennedy whips HIS ?" "No, silly," said the blonde with an endearingly nauseating giggle. Sure, she had the brainds of a handball, but God had more than made up for it in other areas. "Not Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Holderman, the president of USC. I'm his norcnnal cfinrotorv " r? """"" J ' I sat back. What gives here? What does an upstanding young president of a large university want with a private eye? Oh, sure, I'd heard the rumors about the cross-eyed ocelots and the Mazola Oil, but... "Can you come over right away?" "Ua1<1 if Knn " T onanruu) "T'tfo IlUiU llr IIV1I9 A Oliapp^U, & YV got important cases to work on. I can't just drop everything and rush over to your precious campus." "Oh, we know about you, Foiley," she snapped back. "You haven't had a case in three months, you're behind in your alimony payments and you're living in a Dempsty Dumpster in an alley off Gervais Street. Now, why don't you just come along like a nice little boy?" She whipped a gnat from somewhere near her left buttock and nosed it at me. Then I realized that she was with the CIA ? the Carolina Intelligence Agency. I'd heard about that group; they had tried to assassinate the character of the football program by hiring a coach of questionable ability. I made a quick move for my piece. I would have beat her to the draw, but I forgot that I had been cleaning it. All I grabbed was part - * * - - 1 _ # 4^ J oi tne siock ana a lew ussuruai iiuus and bolts. "Bang, bang," I said lamely, then everything went black. Tha GAMECOCK Is the atudant ri?wtpoper of the Unlvaratty of South Carolina and la pubHthad thraa tlmas a waak on Monday#, Wadnaadaya and Ffl days uuring m? imi ana spring somosiars and one* weakly on Thursdays during both summer sessions with the exception of university holidays end exeminetton periods. Opinions expressed In the GAMECOCK ere those of the editors end not those of the University of 8outh Caroline. The University of South CeroHne Is an equal opportunity institution. The Board of Student Publications and Communications Is the publisher of the Gamecock. The Student Media Office is the perent organization of the Gamecock. Change of address forme, subscription requests and other correspondence should be sent to the GAMECOCK, Box 85131. Russell House. University of S.C.. Columbia. S.C. 29208. Subscription rates I are $5.60 per eemester and $2 for the summer sessions. Third class postage paid at Columbia. 8.C. 9 ' When I came to, it felt like a 1 thousand Spanish dancers had been doing the mamba on my temples. I felt to see if anything was broken. There was a warm, sticky substance all over my shirt 1 pocket. So that's where I left that , Snickers bar. "Snap out of it, Foiley," screamed an unpleasant voice, and someone kicked me in the kidney, which only hurt just a little more than getting hit by a cement truck. t _? j ; a uuwiucM scvciai suauvwjr shapes hovering above me. "I take it this isn't a surprise birthday party/' I wisecracked. Another blow to the old kidney served as a subtle signal that my humor was not appreciated. "Listen, Foiley. We've got a little lob for vmi " I war finnllv able to make out the face of the speaker, an astoundingly pudgy, bald-headed guy with a faint mustache, which reminded me of my ex-wife. Lovely girl, Erma; if only the plastic surgery hadn't been such a failure. Last I heard she was modeling for Halloween masks. "Hold it, Clyde," I said. "Just who are you and your friends?" ONE DAY SERVICl GOLD SEAL SER\ LtH I HhKb & bUt BRANCH < FOR WflDI YOUT y K\ wsfy ^gl? / , "We are ... The Board," he said f powerfully. The other people in the room softly breathed, "Amen." "I thought I was going to see ( Holderman." "We had to tell you that so you'd j think you were going to see Dn^r/w.?.k! ?? UUI IVVWOIU. "I see," I lied. "So what is this j Board, anyway?" r "We are the All-Powerful of this university. We give life; we take Jobs. And I am the Godfath ... er, the Chairman." "Amen," whispered the others. "And what is this job you've got for me?" "We want you to ice Frank McGuire." Whoa! Now, I'm no angel, but knocking guys off for no reason has alwavs been out of bounds for me. 44Why McGuire?" I asked. "He is an embarrassment/' The Chairman growled. 4'He is consistently successful and admired by the public. He is this school's one link with quality. If it wasn't for him, USC could descend into total mediocrity. It would be a lot easier to run that way." "Yeah, I'll bet," I snapped. "I'm not a PI for nothing; I see what's going on here. A certain head coach of another sport is the one who's embarrassed, isn't that it?" "It makes no difference. Will you SllklSHI FROm OPP< 425 f : GOOD PRRKIN< ^ICE (hand work) < iDES DFFICE AT 1415 GER' E HAmPTON RESIDEh nMHMMMHMHMHMMHtNIMHgHni oo Coul Homec As traditic JH Queen will JBt Homecomi jraB This year an organize an entry fee Homecor formation e Russell Hot lake the job?" "What's in it for me?" "We'll make you head basketball :oach." "But I don't know anything about basketball." "Exactly." I pretended to think about it for a ninute, then pushed the Chairman y PERSONAL DEVE1 y Counseling and Humai b anna V ANXIETY MANAGEMENT TR Km Leam lo control self and reaaions through 2 Dream Group 7 Leam to understand the messages and m - Nov. t. 2:30-4:30 p.m. V Fat Is a Feminist Issue (a Leam how to gain control over your Ixx X K).30-i2a.m. y Stress Management Through V Learn self-hypnosis as a skill that can bee holistic stress-management technique Mc <f FREE for USC students. Gro V Phone: 777-5223 for further y - space In the (# or y Come Jo Room 203 Pendletor V participar y a space. INEmC DSITETHEHOI" TO lOOEl III : FOR CUSTOmERJ ? FORIT1AL WEAR s/RIS STREET ITS Fc CLEANI d Be A oming ( )n prevails, this Homeo be crowned during I ng Game. a candidate need not b ition. She is eligible to si; of ten dollars. ning Queen entry f ivailable in Students' / ISfi. w HCsSj; wmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmammmtmmmmmmmmmmam into his vassals, crushing several of them. 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