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' ?? ?? ?"?-? __??? ????? ???-?-???? "" SPECIAL RESTROOM GUIDE ^^^|_ ? ^ Satire By Tom 'Mr. Ed' Clyde Following our recent section entitled "Gamecock Restaurant nnirfa " in whir>h u/p r?nrf?fii11v evaluated several of Columbia's finest restaurants, we received tremendous favorable response. But several of you wrote in and lodged the same complaint: "What about the 'fast food' places? Is The Gamecock too highbrowish to cover the places where we can really afford to eat?" Your point was well taken, and this reporter was assigned the mighty task of rating the local junk food markets. After SDendintt a wBBK^is^ ^Pi ^SfiHpP <?RB?SS?& week consuming the grainy, soybean specialties from one end oi town 10 tne otner, ne spent tne next week catching up on his reading while perched atop his porcelain throne. Reacting philosophically and honestly to the situation at hand, this reviewer came to the inevitable conclusion: this junk all tastes the same. Faced with the dilemma of evaluating these alimentary acceleration armories, and keeping in mind that the material disguised as food is about the same from one place to the next, the question arose: in what ways do thes eplaces differ? Since one of the primary consequences of eating at a "poop pit," or "fast food place" is the often immediate and involuntary urge to make a deposit in the commode before one can leave, it seemed appropriate to evaluate these places in terms of their restroom facilities. McDONALDS: Attractive and pink, the doors to the "necessary rooms" are centrally located, with quick and easy access to the customer. The walls and floors are kept spotless. In the men's room are two urinals (or "upside down hair dryers") and one toilet. Contrary to popular belief, this place does not "do it all for you," as the delightfully clean sink and mirror area is equipped with paper towels, which do not guarantee the prevention of chapping. The ladies' room is similar to the men's room, except that there are no hair dryers. DAIRY BAR ? DAIRY BAR LOUNGE: Set in the hallway by the bar at the D. B. Lounge, the restrooms are equipped with kicked-in doors, which gives one the impression that there have U II ? ueen sunie auuieiuic uarroom brawls among inebriates and bums fighting to get inside as quickly as possible. In the men's room, a tin sink of some sort, tilted slightly, drains into a hose (ironically enough), and serves as a deposit for Number 1. The commode is equipped with paper, but the supply in the towel rack was "used up." The mirror UfQC CV%offAft?Ai4 VlVltK Uftlf JTvTo apnrtCTra wiui ciuici iidiifizzled Space Dust or the remains fHgSBKI of a Bloody Mary upheaval. The ladies' room appeared to be too threatening to enter. BURGER KING (Home of the Whopper); One door labelled "Rest Rooms," led to an area in the back of the restaurant in which the men's and ladies' rooms were located. t : 1 iiu>iue uie mens room, U11S reviewer sat stunned as he found that the toilet paper supply had been wiped out. To make matters even worse, the hand dryer was an electric air dryer ? no paper towels! Unless one is a gymnast of some sort, it is not recommended that he attempt to coordinate the functions of the two areas. The walls inside are a bleak white, probably to encourage quick exiting. A urinal was available, but was not used by this reviewer. Again, me means 01 drying tne hands was the electric blow apparatus, which does, when used properly, prevent chapping. Most people however, seem to place their hands underneath the dryer for 5 or 10 seconds, shaking off the excess water, and walk out wiping their hands on their pants. HARDEE'S Charco-Broiled Pit: Maraee s is currently unaer construction and renovation, but the restroom areas remain their top drawing card. As is the policy at the salad bar, unlimited visits to the toilet area are allowed and encouraged. The toilet paper itself is a wee bit coarse, but if you bring along a - 4 ' woodburning kit you may amuse yourself by carving your initials into the paper before you use it. MAURO'S Italian Restaurant and Pizzaria: There are no restroom facilities available here, but there is an ideal location for a rest area in the back of the store, should the management see fit to respond to the human need. THE BIG BIRD: Just having the name "Big Bird" would imply the existence of urinals galore. However, the resting facilities, located in the basement area near the bar and pinball machines, are small but tidy. The men's room is equipped with a urinal. The main highlight of the Big Bird bathroom was the graffiti, which oddly enough seemed sexual in nature. As this reviewer read, "what are you laughing at? The lAlrA 10 m J A. _ juni. jo in j uui nauua, lie liJUCU IU see the humor in the Investigative Reporter's Handbook which he was carrying. The sink area was clean, and included "Dial" soap and paper towels in abumdant supply. One excellent feature, which encourages open communication, is there is no door pnflncina fV?o VUV toilet area, promoting the ultimate sharing of the basic human experience. SUNSHINE LAUNDROMAT (Welcome Students): By far the weakest set-up of all the restrooms interviewed, the Sunshine (Welcome Students) has not two, but one restroom. The doorknob is currently either nonexistent, or ? down at the V. D. clinic undergoing analysis. This reviewer recommends that if elimination is necessary at the Sunshine (Welcome Students), the student do it quickly in one of the washing machines (they usually don't work right anyway), and slip ?r? RA on>) o ???!.? ?*? w vviiuj niiu a pan ui utl ijr oVA^IVd. 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