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McAllister Persuaded To Full Cone Pauley And McCallister Prove Indespensable Athletic Advisers Assume Admin istrative Affairs With Amazing Activity It was no surprise to the majority of the University student-body when the catalogue issued tother day listed Don McCallister and Frank Pauley as co president, Co-Register, Co-Athletic Di rector, Co-Director of Physical Ed, Co Manager of the mess hall, Cu- Professor of Economics, Music, and Bible. The only persons kicking a kick, and that because of pride only, were their published assistants : .enny Baker, John A. Chase, Jr., (don't forget the "Jr.") Bill Ilardly, 1lawkeye 1lughes, Jack Evans (that's Jack, Jr.'s father, jack, Sr.), Second Story Derrick, and a few others. Commenting on the drastic changes since tother day, co-Big Shot MacAllister and Pauley very lucidly explained that All-Forehead Bell, widely known for his tinkling, had been retained as dispenser of peanut and magazine selling positions because the Graham plan wouldn't allow football players to work even if they didn't get paid for playing football. "Things will be run just about as they have been ever since we were im plored to take charge of the State of South Carolina," the dual governors as sured ye reader. "And if you will par don our inferiority complex, we think we have done a pretty good job." The two gentlemen in question (or should we say the two questionable gen tlemen?) asserted that since the Town send plan wouldn't work, they weren't in the game for the fun of keeping score. "As soon as we start the dollars to strutting our way in right true fashion, verily we say that we will hasten our selves away to more fertile soil." Maybe it isn't appropriate or sompin, but about that time John Milton rode by whistling "there'll be no mourning at the bar when they put out to sea." -U. S. a. Babcock Blabs About Advice Doctor Babcock, head of the League for better speech for truck drivers re cently appeared before the union and gave the following advice: "Never hurt one's feelings by telling him he is an un mitigatedl prevaricator, or that he has fal len into term-inological inexact itude ;suich wvords are harsh and lack the subtle finesse of cultured speech. 'fell the man he is a dammed liar, you will find that youtr scrupulous choice and tact ful ex pression will work wonders. "If you choose your words carefully you can soften the shock of any blow. Do not tell your child bluntly that there is no Santa Claus; say to him that there ain't never been nary such a thing of any kind. This skillful use of the mnul tiple negative will enable you to put many different shades of meaning into your speech, andl enable you to say any ntumber of things without letting any one be able to fathom what you do mean. This is the rule I have followed in my rise from a mere college professor to head of the truck-drivers." We Sell The Best Bull-Boloney Hot Air Dingles Clark Reed, Sam Litman, and Mac McCutcheon, incorcerated, A free sample of dingle given for every five doughnut holes (Signed) J. Bender Coalman Dr. of Hooey. C OLUMBIA OMMRCIAL OLLEGE 01TER8 COURSES IN Shorthand, Bookkeeping, Typing, Comptometer, Burrough 's Calculator, Filing, Etc. 0.3B. SUTTON, Pres. Ph. 2.386156 Main Overco; Take Over rol Of School YMCA Installs Brand New Bar Crap Tables Added Bell Made Bartender; Ellis States "The Sky's The ' Limit" Four new crap tables, a bar, and other inplements of pleasure will be installed in the recreation room of the YMCA, ac cording.to information received from of ficials of that organization, yesterday. "It is utterly disgraceful that students of the University do not have a place of their own where they may go and drink and gamble," declared Fred Ellis, presi (lent of the organization. "The matter of installing these means of recreation have been discussed at many meetings, and I am now pleased to say that they will be erected at an early date. "It is probable that Nute Harmon, Wil liam Carragan, Ray Riddle, and Mary Culbertson will have charge of the crap tables, while Ilot Man Bell will take the bar under control. Of course, definite plans have not been made." Ellis seemed to think that the ping pong tables would be removed in order that the other tables could be installed. Asked as to the limit the crap tables could carry, he replied, "The sky will be the limit." -.8.0. Class Constructs City_In Suburbs Mrs. Wimberley Directs Sociology Teacher Tries Out Plan For Making World Better Place To Live Under the supervision of Mrs. Rosey World Wimberly and her sociology students, an experimental city has been co-instructed on the outskirts of Co lumbia. So far the inhabitants have seemed well pleased with their new town, for which the government gen erously furnished the necessary funds. Life in the new suburb is a little (liflerent from most places. Utopia, as it is called, allows no man to work in a factory for more than twenty minutes a day, and permits no work at all on Sundays, rainy (lays, or hot (lays. Every home has a radio, an electric stove and ice box, with irons, coffee p)ots, toasters, et cetra, et cetra; every parlor is equipped with a private room for girls to entertain their friends, a kind of sanctum sanctorium that no one else is allowed to enter. Children are furnished wvith nurses and bicy cles, kiddie cars and lollipops, model airplanes and steamboats, choo choo trains and skooters. "Of course this is just a modest be ginning," she explained apologetically, indlicating the Susquehannah river (newv name for Congaree), on the banks of which stood the delayed Pan tisocracy. "After we get things to running .moothly, sociologically speaking, we will have it fixed so that when one of our brothers reaches the age limit re (;uiredl by our child-labor-act-to-b)e, he will be ready for the 0o(1 age pension wvith a salary of $200 monthly from the Townsendl fund." Here she hesi tated for a moment, no doubt antici pating some codger's dough, and con tinued dreamily: "Now, won't that be nice? Nothing to do but sleep, and eat, and lay in the shade, and grow social minded, and make reasonable love in the sprinig, and seasonable love in the sum mer, and reach up and shake the More-ways-than-one tree once a month, andl then pick $200, twice $100, one-fifth of a grand, two-fifths of two grandl,--oh, my-oh, me-oh, you... She plucked a fuzzy little worm. from behind her ear, setting it affec tionately on the ground. "Why that's the reason everybody thinks Sociology is a crisp.course. You see, it's going to make everything so easy for you-all," she animatedl, as she reached and out placed he hand on the shoulder of her most ardent student, Ray Stokes. P. S.--The Empty Bottle reporter proudly relates that Rosey World con gratulates him of his sympathetic pre sentation of soccl principnes. rnes Inh LIveIsteacitet' rai saiayhuewihwl ecn Co ihntenettn as Abovement.h Architects (Bain) in charge of the construction of t To The This truck and its gallant crei shrubs and plants of the Keith pro money to buy it, and Chase has ev< and catalogued. Math Wizards Choose Colonel To Explain__Relativity Sharks From All Over Country Will Hear President Elect On Einstein's Theory Showing that he is gifted in more ways than one, Carolina's prcsident elect Colonel McKissick wvill be the p)rincipal speaker at the next conven tion of the Mathematics Association of America, which will meet here with in the next few months. "Even when lhe was a small boy, the Colonel was a wvizard wvith figures," commented Dr. Coleman, when told of the selection. "I remember a story that when the roundls about forty years ago; the Col onel wvas at that time taking high school algebra. He met the class for a couple of weeks, and appleared one (lay with a 1book under his arm. "'Look p)rof,' lhe told his teacher, I've written this thing over, and added a few suggestions of my own. See what you think of it." That book is still being usedl in most of the high schools in this country. "Th'le math sharks are hoping that the Colonel will get a chance to sim jilify the relatively theory that we've heard so much about. I know that Rioni was one of the four men Ein stein selected to help him formulate the equations in it, and that since then they have collaborated on more than one hypothesis. Frankly speaking, Einstein has taken the credlit for a lot of work (lone by others. "As far as I know, the Colonel never even bought a math book, and yet lie finished everything taught here in one year, then went into the upper braniches at Harvard and Wisconsin, where lhe is generally recognized as thec (iscoverer of the only accurate way to calculate the speedl of light. "It is a shame," the good doctor mourned, "that such a genius in math should waste his time andt tents on erent In ulations of the new Sigma Alpha Epsilon tructed on the corner of Bull andi rumerous drop-ins will be held in t IcNulty, well-known artist, will be 0i he basement and foundation. Rescue Lt r. T k T "Honest ~~" Jo n s igS"M zn o "wallie Walse" Mogarnad "ettyr pt socil cabiet haivereitret the Feyblde inome traxs raeportersberedi town al n daToorowchcingupo Ts. e m ro othe uene Sim tolth Uesioy Teu rioin wnot be nli ton Soty ell-aknwn knostwle th hederasemens andva founahdtion.I -- . s..o. Thl e thseads oMetonar thed rfel perty Suntay aternonvdrinyget theiy wiybde sperssAchr safel nmerthou sand Mocswr ence Trailgth ther wason remaiinga vozicenato, DietuVatterso tn, andi "eatne thonly bcabnethe hav rexhaustd itso hri coty iesngtat t it was liknc a ynaes Teea coe taf thepnorterstandewas covall (y tomorireof checkingneer on the Puibrsit ast fin oute thert fsdralngroup wsheardtousedarthaton structions hotheand.iFnetrald rie oftire icthey wiad only gien foeda. e thish er,bt insdicted at therecpssm' gateat the afte mstan ha eceued bthe eighstre i the theningriyo Madae triowil Cnbshen Squnki tondo morro lsnme the lefrvth.strayi SpT'shew Ckne, henowedge ofnk t feealmnssrialr'cethe.I feriority Pauley And 1 Stage Futurist Skeptic Student Scents_Spring 'ells Season By Nose Aeasel Shuns City Theory On Arrival Of Spring; says He's Authority He ambled out of his room, dressed in atorial splendor-*hite britches (to uim), dingy blue coat, black shirt and a rellow tie that would make the sun hide t's face in shame. It was ti"a Weasel n all of his glory. Spring was in the air, so lie was told. Ele didn't believe it. Back home, hidden n the deepest recesses of red hills, fa niliar odors heralded the arrival of pring, the aromatic perfume of white ightning mash emanating from honey uckles near the creek. The mere thought >f it made his mouth water. He sighed imd wished for home. Down here among these city folks, it was spring when some silly little shrimp tot stuck on some goofy gal. Gals, gals, hats all they thought about. Awcha, no ody but 'sissies fell in love. What was that? He reared his head ike a wild stallion scenting danger, and niffed. Could it be possible I A fer ilizer truck turned the corner. Maybe t was spring, afterall. --U. s. 0. Lover Loses Left Limb The few friends of Shyster Duck B. ausey will be interested to learn that he famous ambulance chaser lost his left rm last night in a strange accident. le vas visiting a client, the Widow Grass, who has a wooden leg; he got splinters n his hand and his arm had to be am utated to check the violent fever that tarted therein. Only last year the famous second rate awyer lost his right hand when he cratched his head and got so many plinters in his hand that it caught afire when he attempted to light a cigarette. Causey will be remembered as the roung attorney that was dismissed from he bar because his legs were so short hat he scraped up all the floor in the :ourtroom with his hip pocket. le was :harged with destruction of public prop rty. It is rumored that he wore his legs to heir present length chasing ambulances. People in this community are cautioned against leaving lighted cigarettes in Silvers 5 & 10c Store SOUTH CAROLINA'S T.ARGEST VARIETY S'TORE For more than 90 years we have 1I Community with their Bo "Any thing Needed THE R.L.] 1440 Main Street COLUMBIA Special Rates IF THEY LEAVE THETR LA BY 12 O'CLOC 1323 Taylor Street --WHEN Y( STIN-KING B You Are Assured Of The Hig Possible to Ma STEIN-KING IS OLDEST BREWE Complex Veiderman ic Fan_Dance At Football Picnic More And Better loodh Pre scribed For Clemson Antidote Seeing that the football team was facing starvation since the installation of the Grim Plan, the Bootleggers' Club, civic club of Columbia, threw a big chicken feed for them at Lake Murray Sunday. While Dean Olson's sizzlers ren dered "We'll Kill The Old Red Rooster When She Comes," the Game cocks easily overcame the chickens. "Football players should drink more +! and better booze," declared .Mayor L. B. Owens, president ex-officio of the organization. "This is the only way that we will ever overcome the Clem son polecats." Sally Weideman, fortifying herself with three fingers of three feathers, collaborated with Slim Pauley in a futuristic fan dance. The assembly was considerably dis turbed when Don Juan McAllister burst into tears. "I busted my last balloon," wailed Donnie. Frankie's fighters entertained the " crowd in an exhibition bout with the girls' hockey team. Rhea Haskell won his first bout of the year when he was fouled by Sarah Rector. It was a fowl affair; it smelled bed. GOOD BY KITTY This is the cat that Louis Bryan let out of the bag the other day, when he told Caroline Monteith of John Wig gin's date with another femme. chairs where he might sit because it is feared if he were to ignite he would fire all the grass in the town, including the grass-widows. COLUMBIA OFFICE SUPPLY CO. "EVERY OFFICE NEED" Office Furniture, Filing Cabinets, Safee Printing and Rubber Stamps 1112 Lady Street 'Phone 5ss YELLOW CAB TAXI DIAL 8DOIAL 1 to 5 Passengers-25c een supplying the Students of this oks and School Supplies. in the Class Room" BRYAN CO. Columbia, B. C. LAUNDRY To Students UNDRY AT THE CANTEEN K EACH DAY Telephone 4954 )U DRINK EER AND ALE best Qua.lity Drink That It Is ko--Becaus--. MADE BY THE IRY IN AMERICA PROM1 YOnn DnuAL..