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THE GAS BAG. Some people are so built that they know your own business before you know it. The ass is noted for his bray ing, the mule for his kicking don't ape either. "Say, how can a black cow give white milk that makes yellow butter?" "Aw, run along. How can a blackberry be red when it is green?" Visitor (to soldier in stock ade): "Well, what are you in for?" Prisoner : "I overstayed my furlong." Visitor: "You mean you overstayed- your furlough." Prisoner: "Nassah, I mean I overstayed my furlong-I went fur and I stayed too long." Contributed. Love Your Enemy. Father: "Love your enemy, Jeff." Meares: "Yes, Pa; but can I love smoking?" Father: "No." Meares: "Then why did you tell me that smoking is the worst enemy of mankind?" Bing: "Ding, suppose your wife would kiss you when you return home this evening, would you kiss her back?" Ding: "Certainly." Bing: "Very well; but why wouldn't you -kiss her cheek?" Lide met Claytor, who was wearing a very long face. Lide: "What's the trouble with you, Tif?" Claytor: "I found a ten-dol lar note on the street and some guy came up to me and forced me to let him have half of it." Lide: "Well, what's the mat ter with that-you got $5, didn't you?" Claytor: "Yes, but I found out later that the note belonged to me and I dropped it myself." A Perfect Evening. When you come to the end of a perfect day And you go to a hotel for din ner, And when you are just about finished And then up walks the waiter And your pocket change is di minished, Wouldn't it start your cork abobbin'? Dr. Moore: "Mr. Wittkow skoi, name four animals pecu liar to the Polar regions." Witkowskoi: "Three bears and three seals, sir." "What is an after-dinner s9peaker?" "An after-dinner speaker is a man who gets up and an niones that he ha nothing to say and then goes ahead and says it for two h.ours." Diner: "Say, waiter, I've dropped a twenty-five-cent piece somewhere around this place. If you find it let me have it back; if you don't find it, you can keep it." McCall: "Why is a colt and an egg alike?" Jenkins: "Give it up." McCall: "Because neither is any good until it is broken." Hazelden: "Why is a wed ding ring like eternity?" Wallace: "The riddle is yours to solve." Hazelden: "Because it has neither beginning nor end." Girl (to mind reader at Keith's) : "How much did my fiancee pay for the ring he gave me?" Mind Reader: "He didn't pay anything for it. He won it in a crap game." Van Meter: "My hair is falling out. Can you give me something to keep it in?" New Clerk (in Woolworth's) "You might take this cigar box. Women often keep theirs in such boxes." What letter would have made Noah's ark noisy? B-for it would have made it bark. (What's the use of the sun shining when we are so bright?) JUST A SMILE. Londoner: "I find your straight streets and buildings a little hard to get used to af ter London." New Yorker: "We'll soon fix that. There's a Ititle place around the corner where they know me."-Collegian. Elderly Aunt (to little boy sliding down the bannister): "Here, Johnny. I wouldn't do that." Johnny: "'Course you wouldn't. How would it look -an old lady like you?"-Ex change. Same Here. Kid: "How dare you. No. I never kissed a man in my life. Kidder: "Aw, don't get stuck up about it. I never did either."-Puppet. Drama in Tabloid. Act I-Their eyes met. Act II--Their lips met. Act III--Their fists met. Act IV-Their lawyers met. -Judge. After a while maybe a con stitutional amendment will be passed giving us something in stead of taking something away from us.-eted. Wingfi 14 "THEY SHALL NOT PASS." One night While lying in the arms of Somnus, I wandered in fancy to the dens of the pedagogues. Invisible, I am able to place my self at the elbow Of one who smiles,-and squints -and Thinks of the City by the Sea. He is reading the papers of his neophytes in the Interesting history of 2,000 years ago. As he reads, his brow darkens, "These papers Are f, o good," he cries. "But' I'll fix that, I'll deduct five for spelling, and five for writing, They shall not pass," he said. Next I creep close to the side of one, who Holds his side with glee, for the papers are Far from perfect and that suits him to a "T." But his glee soon turns to sor row, for he comes To three that are too good to be true. He clasps His hands with vexation, but soon finds the key To the problem. "I'll give them a quizz tomorrow. None of them will expect it, they'll never know why a Plutonic rock is hard, or why there's salt in the sea." He goes to his bed, looking for ward to a perfect day, And as he smiles in the peace ful sleep, He murmured: "They shall not pass," he said. I hear the sound as of rustling skirts and go to see If a fair maiden is passing, but no, I find myself in the Domicile of one who makes . clear in speech his "S's and "'T'."~ "These short stories are far from pleasant, too many good ones It seems to me." HIe goes to the mirrors and pantomines a speech. While there he has a Brilflant Idea, he will Ask them tomorrow why a periodl is round, and not square; And to criticise Shakspere and Tennyson; Taking off ten points should they disagree with him And dleducting five for general principles. "I'll teach them to write, but it takes two years, They shall not pass," he said. James P. Carey, '05, is a law yer of Pickens. id's Drug Store 43 Main Street THE ARCADE BARBER SHOP RCCM3ARCADE EUILDING WANTED-our friends and the boys at the Univer sity to know that we have left the Palmetto shp and have purchased the Arcade shop, w here we are prepar(d to give the ver.v ;Est service. Give us a trial LEO and ALBERT MAYFIELD PROPRIETORS *IILe 'tatr iNook t5torr THE STATE BUILEING ompi :te 1 ne Fountain Pens, Examination Pads and other statianery for student's ufe We Want Your Business - " WALTERS SHOE SHOP 1425 MAIN STREET Parisian Shoe Repair and Shoe Shine HAT CLEANING PARLQR P. PECH ILIS, Proprietor 1214 Main St. COLUMBIA, S. C. What Is Vacuum? F THE traffic po!iceman did not hold up his hand and control the automobiles and wagons and people there would be collisions, confusion, and but little progress in any direction. His business is to direct. The physicist who tries to obtain a vacuum that is nearly perfect has a problem somewhat like that of the traffic policeman. Air is composed of molecules-billions and billions of them flying .bout in all directions and often colliding. The physicist's pump is designed to make the molecules travel in one direction-out through the exhaust. The molecules are much too small to be seen even with a microscope, but the pomp jogs them along and at least starts them in the right direction. A perfect vacuum would be one in which there is not a single free molecule. For over forty years scientists have been trying to pump t.dc jog and he rd more molecules oot of vessels. There are saill in the best vacuum obtainab!c more molecules per cubic centimeter than there are people in the world, in other words, about two billion. Whenever,a new jogging dev;ce is invented, it becomes possible to eject a few m:lon ore molecules. The Research Laboratories of the General Electric Company have spent years in trying to drive more and more molecules of air from containers. The chief purpose has been to study the effects obtained, as, for example, the boiling away of metals in a vacuum. This investigation of high vacua had unexpected results. It became possib!: to make bet ter X ray t ubes-bet ter because t he X -rays could becnrold to make the electron tubes now so essential ma long range wireless commutnicat ion moure elhcient andl trust worthy; and to c.ev p an entirely new ty pe of ineandlescent amn,) one which is filled wion a gas and which gives more light than any of the older lamps. No one can foretell what will be the outcome of research in pure scoimne. New knowledge, newv ideas inevitably nrc gained. Andl sooncr or lnter this new knowvledge, t hese new ideas fmnd a practical applica tion. For this reason the primary purpose of the Research Labora tori s of th e General Electric Company is the broadening of human General Electric General Office Corn any sebenectady,N.Y. 95-lt70-A