Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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THE NEW FABLE OF THE HONEY. MOON THAT TRIED TO COMB BACK. Onco Ibero was an undivorced Couple tbat would get up every G. M. and put on the five-ounce Mitta and walt for tho Sound of tho Gong. "??nh was working for tho Charoricn ahlp of tho Flat and proved to bis a Glutton for Punishment. I Every time ho landed a crashing I Hay-Maker on her Family History ?he countered with a short-arm Jolt on his Personal Appearance. j Both would retiro to tho Corners breathing heavily, but still full of Combat. : Ho loved to start out tho Day by :finding in tho Poper what a Professor 'connected with the University of Chi cago had said about tho American Woman being a vain and Bhallow Par .Musite with a Cerebrum about tho sizo of an?Bngllsh Walnut. 8ho would reta Hate by reading aloud a Special in regard to a Husband go ing after Wife with Ax, while under ,tho Influence of Liquor. I After whi:h, for IC or 20 minutes, the Dining Room would bo just aa peaceful and quiet as a Camorra Trial, j Sometimes ho would get First Blood, but Just as often she would ilddlo around for an Opening and then Zowiel- right on the Conk and him Stalling to escape further punishment. ! When Nightfall carno they would ,atni. bo edging around the Ring, whanging away, for each waa too Gomo to be a Quitter. '. Their Married Lifo, which started out with American Beauty Rosea in every Vase and a long Piece in. the Pa Put on the Flve-Oun&o Mitts and Wait for the Gong. % A por, now settled down to a Thirty Years War with nil-bf-the Attfndant Horrors, The only time the Dove of Peace . really Lit was when they had Cou? ; Puny.- . Then they. would- Dear each other until tho Premises became Sticky and ?he would even coax up a Ripple bf Fake Laughter when he pulled, some Wheeze that used tb go Great the Year - they, were engaged, 'But;th? Moment: the last'Guest closed tho Front Door .V tho Dove of Peace would beat it and . another domestic Gettysburg would drive the Servants to Cover. After this had boon yoing on for BOT eral'Beasons ho happened to get hold. , b Powerful Work written by a Pop .ular Novelist (Unmarried), who made . a psychological Dissection of a Wom an's Soul and then nreanh^? a Funeral Sermon over the Dead Love that'once bt? Heart of the Hero* ino. - After ho road this Tragedy of flick ered Romance he felt Uko a Pup. Ho perceived that he had been in ,i v i the. Wron?. :. . . Tha Novelist taught him that hla Cjie was tb bear with tho Weaker Vos ? V.'.sel - and '.tb * koop the Honeysuckle of Tiruo Affection'prnnod and watered by ^pt .Devotion and Sacrifico. Therefore, he made ino large Vow to cutout tho Rough Stuffy 'Ucxl ?.?m hing when the Queen of the. Amasons put on her Paint and Ii^yrSai?^iet?. and began to beat the big ; Wa*-Drum there waa Nothing Doing. Hb ..*sfusad. to enter the biood stV.MSd ^re-rui ana when she ^&&b *fi / qr hh? \^ ?r?u '. over and. ioyk ?i?? ?Count before? a. Punch had - been de livered. ; . Vv I "' ^^^ ??^oro starting for tho Offlce he Kissed 'har a couple of times and gave her como Massage Treatment around the. Shout der ? filad es and caUed her "Toots"--a^Term of Endearnja?jy?I??j h*? been'?'faSt?bt? 6?>. ?ib Shelf evorv :$o?? tfeey.^?!itb?''rllai|ir?i -SW!*. . vi?m co ?aScd by thia Reversal , of ?nrm that she peeked, from tho , Front W.bidow?nd w?tehe^ali? cle&r .':;':. tb iba Corner, ceuviaced that >? waa : ':: ,'l;bbway tb meeC Another Woman. ! Hie came home that Evening-with & VJLU1VVJL tory ?tc/rr fi a of or A09 lng Smllo and Invited her to go ahead and un; him UB a Punching Hag. Next day Bho put a Newspapei around tho Bird Cage and tied up thc Geranium and took tho unfinished Tatting and Blew. When ?ho walked in on her OWE Peorlo, with tho Declaration that all ?iets were Off, they wanted to know how about it, and she snid a Spirited Woman couldn't keep on rooming witi a Guinea-Pig. MORAL-Contempt breeds Fa m i ll ari ty. THE NEW FABLE OF THE LIFE OF THE PARTY. Ono Night a Complimentary Dlnnei was given to a Captain of Industry by como Friends looking for Orders. The Chairman of tho Arrangement Committee vas a popular Wine-Push er, consequently tho volunteer Beard Parties were out for Three Days after; gathering up tho Dead. Along about 10:80, when every Per feet Gentleman was neatly Stewed and each Chandelier was doing a sinuous Salomo In timo with the Hungarian , Orchestra, a Man connected with thc Jobbing Trade got up to Bay a Few Words. ile was keyed to Concort Pitch and the Audience was Piped and all the old fiure-firo Bokum of a Sentiments fcaturo simply Killed them in the? -.Seats. When he Concluded, tito hilarious Bun Brothers, with the mussed-ui Hair and the twisted Shirt Bosoms nroso'to their Feet and waved Nap kins and gavo the Orator what ho de H erl bcd to his Wife at 2 A. M. as A Novation. . ; Another Good man was spoiled, j After Herman made this goshawk ?Hit with the Souses he became con vi riced that ho was aa After-Diane i Wit Gus Thomas and Simeon Ford had ! nothing on him. Whenever ho found himself seated jat a Table v,-; th other People and Food ?being, served he began to suck Los en gc a and classify his Anecdotes ant ?try to appear Unconcerned, j j All the time he was* simply walting ?for tho Main Fluff to come up from be ?bind the Chrysanthemums and say "Wo have with us this evening.'' ' Then for the Quiet Introduction, lead in g up to tho sparkling Mot and thc 'Tremolo- Stop, pulled all the Way oui on tho Pathos and a couple of D?pewi to put them In a Good Humor, con eluding with a Hypodermic qt Hoi Mush. . If the Bunch sat back and refused tc Fall for the War-Time Favorites he would console' himself by tellint around - that ho was up against thi Low-Brows. '? . ' He knew that ho waa a Dinger, be cause he remembered how tho M?g ni?icont Assemblage stood and cheerec him for-five Minutes. Therefore his Voice sounded to bin a good deal like the Boston Symphonj ' Orchestra playing Rubinstein's Melodj in P. ' Whenever People aat down la:from of tho decorative Camino Caviar anc got ready to endure the Horrors ol another Hotel Gorge, they would glance aero2ri tho Snowy Expunge of White dotted- with plump California Ollvei and-cold, un feeling Celery, and seeiuj Herman Boated opposite, would re mark, "Stungl" He-could not have been kept in hli Chair With a Ton Ot Coal ia each Tail PocHeL And if The Ladies were present thal was where ho worked ia tho Bird Calla and ordered out the Twinkling Stars. According to tho Expectation Tablea of tho Insurance Actuaries, probably ho will Stick Around for 32 .yean i more and never finC out that he ia i .Pest. I MORAL--Those who bemoan -UM . Decline ot Oratory should re mo tabus i timi Oratory never waa koowa io.Do . cline, . j .Entrancing Bird Melody. ? X. had dropped In at', one of oar Wi I down-town grocery stores to buy tb? makings of a Welsh bunny *heh 1 heard frota a gilded cage ia the Win dow tho sw cot cot bird eong In th? world. I was reminded ot all Words worth and Shelley had written aboui j skylarks. The liquid melody rippled ond trilled iron! the small throat as if the little captive waa singing^raisSi to tho morning autt instead of rc- tr . grape?ru?l plied so fragriaatly <tVt! counter. The tiny warbler waa .< tainiy throwing als whole soul lat tho song. It -conjured up visions shady forests and of leafy glade Thero was a certain tropical warnlt ' in*tba lyric that wa* new. ?"What a remarkable canary!" I served to the proprietor. "O?r, that lar<t arbte*rrV?* he replied fit's an Indian: thrush." Kf pilase has describe tb - trm??c. si tho .indian thrush, whose cong itt th? I rarest of tat tro.oical;bire song?. Few of us in thia climat?, however,;hav? had th* sxqulaito plflocra?-o af l?stenla? .'..to:.-soak.'.a- rnWlgol.~C1il<*s<v It?tcu i;-$0??&, ;. mm Wm IHH AT P I LAUCHA ? i i ? i i r t ! 1 [ FREE ! 1 : BfiiiBBlNli I ACQUIRE IDLE SHIPS i London, Dec. ll.-lt ls rumored in > shipping circles that a scheme is on . foot to acquire some of the Gorman ? and Austrian vessels now lylug in Portugese ports, and it would not be surprising if soveral of these steam I ers were purchased by a Portugese company which lias a close working ' agreement, with important shipping interests in Creat Britain. The grow . ing dearth of tonnage and thc dlf fieulty ofWilHn'.ning adequate supplies of ntt prepp for the Welsh mines has 1 lately- become acute, and lt is tboughl 1 that if several vessels could be ac . quired by this means they would bt I exceedingly useful just now to take 'out coat, to tho various bunkering ; depots and factories and return load . cd with pit props for the mines; the usual sources of such supplies is the ' Scandinavian peninsula, but this . trade is being at present interfered j with by thc shortage of tonnage and . the attention of German warships tc j tills, claps Of cargo in the Baltic is? 1 the White sea. ' ii nu th Wales coal exporters havt : been hit hard by tho abort agc of ships and they ore complaining vigorously > at the way this has enabled American i ?oal to take the place of Welsh fuel ; in foreign markets. i " During eight months ending Aug ust. 1015, the United timtes exporte* . lo iSouth American and Mediterr?nea! . nerta three million, tons more thai I during the same period, in 1913, whil< South Wales exports during the sam? .porlod decreased three and a half mil Hon tons. . While .this transfer o trade , is looked upon as being oni; ' temporary, Welsh, coal exporters fea? that a large part of lt will remain ii ' American hands after the war. \ ;n 'Broaden tho Horizon, . "How tittie is known hero"in Amor ? lea of Japan)" said Viscount Chine 1 the Japanese ambassador, in an ad I dress at New York. "If America ha i half as much knowledge of Japan a 1 Japan has of America ? am sur i (here would be an entirely difieren ? attitude.' U is because of lac!c of in formation that yellow stories are eli t eulated in this country, and it I . th?se that. are also responsible . fo I aa Riitl-JupaUc-se sentiment In cor tal: sections pf tiiin country." The wa . seems, ho\ve\er, to have brought titi . country to a partial realization of hoi seriously it is handicapped by a lac ! of knowledge concerning its neJsri . bors. Wo aro just beginning to dh cover how woefully deficient we ai . ?ven in information ooout our gro? t o?ster republics pf SouVb. America. Th '. groat con hiv t hi which half the worl la engaged will surely shew J s the n< cesslty of broadening our horizon an living jess . within ourselves.-- Wasl j Ington Herald. I if. V ; iV ; rn ;'.'--X . ' I - ' Encouraging, Enterprise'. ... A certain youtiiful bllll?rd-mark< I was recently Informed by hts.?mp?o? I er -that he* would haye to be mei " careful -in the matteT of chalk. $ ''Can't help it, sir," replied til \ -m?tkt'vi'-."I t?ow 'i&i\g$m?>; w? I pockets tho o??lkt:bi)t.t?eyVe^lminl< ? oust erne rs. and1 yon wo??d'ht'l Ike n t,' la ? offend :'om, would', yon; sirtr/c. ?: : i > Well-ho" was the V TeptyT , "b ? you could glvo then* a gentle. bli ? y?*?u know." Y . / tiyi uTlie marker pra (sed to do so, ,iu & day or two Uti., on observing j. player pocket a piece of chalk 1 approached (the culprit andi n marked: . ' . ; i,Yon,Jl excuse me," air bat are y< connected in;any way -with too ml . tradef ' ' ..Well, yes," was the reply. "Wh 1? ?A -it?" " v "1 thowshi so." rejoined the mar ar, "by the? amoaat ?* -im? chalk .> darry away. ; My-hoss iikea . eat* . ase- to gS*a yan hint that if.you wanted a bucket AND HIS BLE, MUSICAL CO Manager Pinkston said: "They pl I a year ago and had a crackerjack shu De Wolf e promised tue over the pho I better show than he had then." Matinee for Ladie ?IJOU THEATR1 MONDAY "THE LION'S WARD" Three Reel Bison Animal Drama. This is a Great Animal Picture. ? "THE POWER OF FASCINATION" tf Rex Drania. Rasor'sTonsorml Parlors ?Cut The Price SHA VES^REDUCED TO - I ipc Best equipped ?hop in the city. Strictly Sanitary. ::?ienn liness h Next tb Godliness." Efficient Workmen^Becl service in every respect. . . . !; "'. :; . - . . ' . v . / ;?. ? % ? Barbers: Rainer, Bruce, lindsay and Rasur. Rasor's Tonsorial Parlors Ligen & Ledbctter Bldg. Next to Railroad on North Mafa?( i m US. Battleship *'South G?rj?lltti^ ?BAT CELEBRATION AT CHARLESTON Tho Sow thora Commercial Congre DB will bo held at CbArloaton December Wth to 17th. ISIS. This la an Associa tion of prominent bUidnens mon from all OW? the South and mnetihgH aro held each year ' tor thb pmpose of dla* cussing business welfare, both the manufacturer and of tho farmer. jLost Congress ;T?S told nt Okla homa City-?nd .th?;'''yi^.;'-t??^ at Mohite. ifni*; rae'rthe" nHeetioff Is ,to be hold Kt Charleston and voiy many otsa oi prominent?ntatoefts? ?oelM and niepibers ot the' Cabinet of the.' Preol '^^^?the ?j?itcd States wilt be pres ent, at tho meeting. ? 'aladren'of-Uw-'. AtUm?^.^f?^] .Tor>?edo\ B?? Ut, Submarinos and Tor?! p?i0 Bo?at ' Destr?yer?, aa .- w^e?tj ft*' Dre'adn?uKht?, witt.ps in. .the 'Cheriftfl ppbilcV December {4tt*' '?&K: add' j visitors at thia time will ?lao fcavo the pleasure, of seems' a mRgu??ceu? ear*j nival. ?tal Y ?wi i ?mm II?IIBII .. -Vi* v?-,v ,....>.) v.? .; -..-t.-,;<?...;.<*.;?-":;;' .. '.- ?\ OW tie And today i / j ' ' ? By Wm. Post ? ; Prk ??i?iiiiiii