Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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's&i- HEATHEN GIHNEE. FARAWAY AXU BKTSEY UNDER MEDICAL TREATMENT. Dr. SUolRiinM ad Examines the Old Mai and Pronounces His Nose Crippled. [From Pennsylvania Grit ] Well, after enduring the compli cated miseries of Colorado Rpringa for a few days, Betsey and 1 drew straws to see whether we would go back to Blue Squaw Gulch and try the Christian science cure, or go to Denver and try the heathen Chinese remedies. We had heard so much about Shotgunwad—Dr. Shotgun wad, the great back-from-the tomb physician, who, it was said, could take a man out of the grave and cure him up m two weeks and set him to sawing wood. , , - . so the printed testi Lj one case, — monials said, a man was taken out ll)c g( .j. Villll Wlu | UL . u |, UW , u ^ of his grave and cured in two weeks ^ urn g 0 j„ aut i seo tin- great doctor, and a new set of lungs put in and a so j | 1;u [ to give up the pleasure of light-running liver set u-pin place of • -■ ,. . . L the old one; .but the dead man s re lations had squandered his fortune during the two years after his burial, and there were no funds to pay the the amusing the poor old lady With tumor on her neck. I was surprised on going into the room to find the ugly old duke, ouu uucic Mv... — , . » Shotgunwad, sitting on a sort of great Shotgunwad for his valuable tin-one or dais, his big ugly face treatment* 80 i le smothered the | 00 kit,g more like a moose bide boot patient one night and reburied him drawn over a joint of stove pipe than in the same old grave. _ a human face. He looked about us This printed testimonial was backed up by the affidavits of two women and a druggist who attended the man’s second funeral, and the druggist was a Republican and said 5 nic.* ftt the table, so who could oubt such evidence as this.-' We did meet one man who had. Jhe gall to doubt Shotgunwad’s printed testimonials, but be kept a saloon and sold mighty poor whisky, so 1 didn t have much faith in him—nor his whisky either. . , . In due time we arrived in Denver »nd found the glittering palace where Shotgunwad sold health and long life in little phials with his Sttne blown in the bottles. First we entered the parlor and Wire told by a white servant that the doctor -was very busyi but would be ready in a moment to see us. You see, people were pouring into his palace in regular streams of miserable humanity, for everybody that gets into the medicine habit wants to change medicine occasion- ally, just like smokers like to test a hew brand of suloking tobacco when they see a neighbor filling his pipe from a new bag with a strange name on it There being scarcely any merit in the best of medicine, people loon lose faith in the old and tried •ttd lied about brands, and when a medicine comes out with a foreign name on it, and a picture of an Indian or Chinese gathering skoo- kum roots, or going about with a Club and a two-handed sword in search of some disease to rip up the diaphragm and hang its bile on the garden fence. After waiting about an hour and exchanging a little information with the other patients in regard to our and prospects of longer I sat and looked upon this scene, the more I didn’t believe that this old Chinee* fraud knew any thing. the By and by Betsey was called into le nolieat of holies, and I was feeling splendid and hopeful and sure I! * at. Shotgunwad had explained every ache and located every pain, and ilie doctor had promised to have her lung healed up and wool growing on it in less tlinii six weeks. She wasn’t sure whether it was merely a slang phase the great doctor used, or whether he really had the power to make wool grow on a sick lung. Of (ourse 1 doubted his wooly power, on account of the McKinley bill. By mid by the old lady with the* tumor came out all wreathed in smiles and hope ns bright as new tinware, and she felt so good that she embraced Betsey and allowed Betsey to kiss her a few inches above that shining and tight-litting tumor. These Western people are very affectionate and generous in this re spect—1 might say almost voluptu ously magnificent and imposing, so to speak. It done me good to see Betsey and the old lady grow so affectionate on short notice, and J contemplated showing her my sore shin again, hut the servant told me it was now my intelligent as a sick cat, hut tried to impress you with that peculiar look, so natural to a genuine fraud, that Joss could hardly run this world without his assistance. Good lauds of blooming cactus, I have often seen men—and women— who tried to impress me with the feeling that if they should suddenly die the Creator couldn’t run this universe successfully for several months, or until He taught some other little man to know as much as they did. Well, just such a looking man was great Dr. Shotgunwad, seventh sou of a seventh sou uf-u-gun, bom in the celestial city of Funchun, China, so the printed advertising dodgers and newspaper squibs said in plain English. But old Shotgunwad couldu’t talk English, or even understand a word of it, or so he pretended, and another plug-ugly Chinaman had to interpret everything said by doctor and patient. The old' codger felt my pulse, made motions for me to stick ray tongue out, examined ray nose very closely and felt it all along its back bone, and then said something to the other Chinaman which sounded as much like human talk us the cackle of a gander; after which the other Chinaman stud to met “Him say it’s welly hud case, alle same cowbunkle onelephant trunkei—cure you up welly good for $25 an’ makee nose just so goodee as over.” “My nose! Yon sou of sin and fury and fomented flattery! - My nose is all right, yon wiggle-eyed cross between seven years’ itch and the leprosy and doe-famine! What’s the matter with this nose? you oblique- eyed imp of impudence! If you don’t like this nose you can stick this nose in your chow-chow, dod snizzle your aches and pains — t 4 dying with our boots on, several pale looking women came out of the great swindling hide!” doctorVdeu, all looking hopeful and I was- mad. tickled With The'idea of having a now Old Shotgunwad looked scared medicine to take—one that had a when 1 broke out like the above, and taste-that beat all the others they had he chattered to his companion like eTer taken, as far as meanness and an excited goose when there is a nastiness-were concerned. strange dog in the barn-yard, after The average medicine crank has which the other heathen Chinee BO faith in medicine unless it tastes began to apologize! nasty chough to gag a cuspidor and “Begee plardou ever so welly bad majee a skunk lose faith in the —doctor makee heap muchee dam Superiority of his penetrating mistakee, ailee same like he been perfume. blinded in bofe eye—tiuk your nose The longer I sat there and looked was swellee upee all over wid cow- at the poor dupes who were exchang- hunkle, ailee same you git smashee ing their hard dolli rs—dollars that over nose wid brick bat rock.” represented so many hard knocks and “Well,” I said, “the old fool drops of sweat and weary muscles— doesn’t know a sound and healthy for a few spoonfuls of nasty tasting, nose from a side of sole-leather. It’s terrible looking liquid—I say, the not my nose that troubles me, but J > my livers and lights and kidneys and stomachs and entrails and vertebra and thmkpot are out of order.'* “Welly, welly true!” said the in- terper, bowing and scraping to me and repeating the great doctor’s me uuneov wx xiunco, - WHS left I OUU V.UV. on the outside to amuse myself talk- works; “Welly true; Melicauman run ing to an old lady with a tumor on down all same boot get crookee and her neck. flopee over at heel. Dr. Shotgunwad IhiMl the soulful pleasure of ex- givee medicine datdrivoe out all pain amlnlwg that festive tamer for and itchee and makee wool grow over several minutes, and was told con-' Tu slix week where scab now set.” lldently that there were symptoms of another one coming on her breast, and ! pulled off my the - efld lady the big scab on my ankle, and we had a real enjoyable time together. .Bhe even told Betsey when she • Cttne.back that she hadn’tspent such ft happy half hour since her you ngest jjirl got- married to a man with a Wooden leg and the lower lid on his left eye snogged in the corner so’s the lu 1‘ turned down like the petal of a mow rose. Bht seemed real happy and re signed, and I felt that it was a poor scab that didn’t comfort some poor and lonely jioark and I actually wished I had one on my other shin, SoV I could give that. ne and poor Woman another five minutes of pleasure. - - Ah, s$. than V if jus arc too selfish, and when-Tve havro’ a sore or a scab we tie it tip carefully and won’t let curious humanity least its soul with & H. (T* f* 3 V/7 - ■ I know lots and gobs of rich men .who wouldn’t let a-starving Gump look at'their sore shin, and there are just gobfl gnd gobs of fashionable 'Wdtritn Vho would rather show their shoulder* at a fashionable ball, than to show- -a/ sore toe to their wash woman. By amtl by Betsey ?ame back and “No cure, nopay?” I asked. - “Yep; welly true; no curce, money t and showed tefundee ailee same quicki” and tell the devil I sent him a pair of blooming humbugs!” And jamming my bat down until it lopped my ears over like two broken cactus leaves, I strode from the room with my head thrown back and iny chest heaving with angry emotion. I would have blown tire and brimstrone out of ray nostrils, if I could have done it, and smoked at every pore like a tar kiln. J was mad and disgusted enough, but I couldn’t, smoke any. But I could swear softly to myself, which 1 proceeded to do. 1 went out into the waiting room and took the little $15 phial out of Betsey’s hand, and pitched it out in the street, and saw it smash upon a darkey’s head, who was picking “snipes” out of the gutter, caught Betsey by the arm and hurried tier from that place before she knew what had happened. Heathen Chinee medical science is a humbug and a fraud, just like our own blessed American patent medi cine—in fact, there is no medicine in the known world that will replace lost and wasted tissue; or heal up a decaying lung and induce wool to grow over the sore place. Wholesome air and food and exer cise and thoughts and bedroom, and a full and natural amount of sleep, and a convenient knot hole in the lloor to pour down all the vile stuff you have been persuaded to buy as medicine—that’s all you need. The only known medicine known in the world, as far as I know, is a snip of good rye whiskey when you feel badly; but don’t neglect to send for the doctor when you get sick. And say, send for the nearest one. Don’t go away off to see some galoot who has cured his mil lions aud made an enemy of all the yawning grave yards in his neighborhood. These doctors out here in the West are not one crumb better than my old doctor back in Hardscrabble, and a lieatheixChiuee doctor doesn’t know a good, sound, healthy nose from a long John potatoe—I’ve been to see him lately. Faraway Moses. SEE THAT HUMP 1 “But how wohld it hare been had the old fool went to work doctoring my nose, aud nothing the matter with it?” I asked. “Dut Hike right—medicine so welly, welly goodee, no lindee sickness iu.Melican man’s nose, it go allec over body in search of • cowbunkle and belly-uchee and coughee aud cholei'ainorbustle, ailee same dog huntee rabbit truck and digee him outee hole!” “Good medicine,” I said, going up to a flower pot and irrigating a heathen plant with a gob of rich tobacco juice. “Welly, welly good!” said the heathen Chinee in ecstaey. “Best in the world, 1 suppose, I continued. “Aone ever liko it before; And never will be again after old Shotgimvml dies—precious, precious medicine! worth twice-its weight in gold! “Weally true—wort slix . timed weightce in gold—ten timec—slix- teen timee, you betT’ “Ah, how very true!” I said. “It is too precious for such an old codger as me—too good, entirely too good— keep it under lock and key—guard it close night aud day, so that you alttU'l have it—go to hades with it, ' E ito pu uod dam pwu at luwUtHU frttudti, He Was Glad be had not Tackled One With Two Humps, Among the animals on exhibition under tho circus tent were several camels, and an old siuglc-hu i.p patriarch had finished his fodder and was sleepily chewing his quid when Bill and his father, who had come down from the hills above Cowpens in an ox cart to see the show, drew near. “What sort of a critter is that, Bill?” asked the old man who had evidently imbibed two or three stiff drinks of corn juice and was feeling guy. “That’s a camel, dad,” was the reply. “That critter kin go lOu miles a day and he don’t haft to drink but once a week.” “ShoDl Is that in the books, Bill?” “Yes.” “Then I’ve got to swaller it, but it’s a powerful tough yarn. What does he waut to go dry a hul week fur?” "Dumio.” “What’s the perticklcr object of that hump?” “Some camels hev one hump, and some hev| two,” answered Bill, as if reading from a book. “Durn the ornery critter, Bill, but I’ve took a dislike to him. He haiu’t neither a hoes nor a mewl. Yon kin tell by^ the looks o’ him that he is mosf. too lazy to cut. Whoop! I’m going to upsot him!” “Dad, don’t yo’ do no foolin’ yere!” cautioned Bill as the old man peeled off his coat and flung down his hut and cracked his heels together. “I’ve got ter, Bill, got ter upsot that ornery critter or 1 kin never look a another decent mewl in the face!” “YoTl git in a muss if yo’ do. Put ou yer coat and cun and see the hyenas.” “Not a blamed hyena, Bill, till that crook-necked, hump-backed, long-nosed critter has bin upset. No use to ugry with yer dad. If I treed a coon and sot out to chop him down, I’d stay fo’ weeks but what I’d git him. Whoopee! 1 wish he was as big as a hill!” Bill was holding on to him, but he wrenched himself loose, cracked Ids heels, and whooped, aud nextuiiuutc he was mixed up wiib the camel. A cloud of dust aud hay and hair half blinded the spectator*, but the old man suddenly shot out of it, rolled over and over under the sage of the Bengal tiger, aud finally brought up against a sacred bull of India, and was badly stepped on before two circus men picked him up and chucked him outdoors, Bill followed and got him under the baud wagon aud funned him with liis hat. In about ton minutes the old man opened his eye aud askedt “Bill, whar was I at when I quit bizness?” “Tryiu to upsot the camel, dad” “Yea, I remember. Bill was that a oue-hnmped camel?” “Yes.” “And I’ve bin pulverized, paralyzed, aud laid up for six months. “Yohev?” “Great Scott, my son, but what a narrer escape yer old d-.d has made of it! S’posin’ I’d pitche l into a two humped critter instead!” In all cases, where,a mild but effective aperient is needed, Ayer’s Pills are the best. They improve the appetite, restore healthy action, pro mote digestion, and regulate every function. No pill is in greater de mand, or more highly recommended by the profession. phildroii Crjf for.PitcJier'i Cutorjg, for Enfants and Children. *' CaLt ovia is so veil adapted to children that C recommend it as superior to itny prescription mown to me.” II. A. Ancni.rt, M. D. f "U So. Oxford St. f Brooklyn, N. Y. i Castorla cures Colic, Constipation, Sour Stomach, Diarrhoea. Eructation, Kilis Worms, gives sleep, aud proihotef* di gestion, Without injurious medication. Tub Csxtauu Company, 77 Murray Street, N. Y. WBBSS Advice to Women If you would protect yourself from Painful, Profuse, Scanty, Suppressed or Irregular Men struation you must use BRADFIELD’S FEMALE REGULATOR Cartersvtli.e, April 2ft, 18S0. This will certify that two members of my Immediate family, after having suffered for effect is truly wonderful. J. w. Strange. Book to “ WOMAN ” mailed FREE, which contains valuable Information on all female diseases. BRADFIELD REGULATOR CO H ATLANTA. GA. WOB BALE Bit AUi OBUQQIMB Of Interest to Confederate Widows. A novel question arose last week in the comptroller general’s office about the right of two widows of Confederate soldiers to pensions. Their first husbands were killed dur ing the war. After the war they married again—the husbands also being Confederate veterans. The matter was referred to the attorney general, who rendered this opinion: “Itj answer to the question sub mitted by you to this office ns to whether the widow of a soldier from this State, who lost his life while in tho service of tho State or Confed erate States in the war between the States, forfeits her right to the pen sion provided by our statute by mar rying again, I have the honor to state to yon that in my opinion she does. She is entitled to the pension only so long as she remains the widow of such deceased soldier. But you make a further supposition as to her rights in case the second dies, my answer is that this will not re store hev to the right to draw the pension. When she marries a second time she ceases in the eyes of the law to be the widow of the one who lost his life in the war, and the death of the second husband will not restore her to her former condition.” Buy the lawn tenuis shoe at Black- well Bros. Printed envelopes from $2 to $3 per thousand at The Herald job office. KARL’S CLOVER ROOT, the great Blood Purifier gives freshness and clearness to the complexion and cures constipation, 25c., 50o. The light-running, noiseless rotary shuttle found only in the No 9 anil Standard, at Blackwell Bros. The Herald has just received a job press fresh from the manu facturer, and will compete with any printing house iu the State in style and prices. BROWN'S IRON BITTERS cures Dyspepsia, In digestion & Debility . Bnckleu’s Arnica Salve. The best salve in the world for elite bruises, sores, ulcers, sdt rheum, t<-\ui sores, tetter, i-happed bands, chilblains, corns, and alt skin eruptions, and posi tively cures piles, or n » pay require I. It lagitarant eeidtojivei erfect satisfaction, or money retinu e I. Price io cents per bottle. For sale at Wilcox’s drug store. Deserving Praise. We desire to say to our citizens, that for years we have been selling Dr King’s New Discovery for Consumption, Dr. King's New Life Pills, Hucklcu's Arnica Salve and Electric Bitters, and have never handled remedies that sell as well, or that have given such universal satis faction. Wo do not hesitate to guarantee them every time, and wc stand ready to refund the purchase price, if satisfactory results do not follow their use. These remedies have won their great popularity purely on their merits. For sale at Wil cox’s drug store. 1 For Malar t l. Liver Ti ble,orIndigostion.D BROWN'S IRON BITTfL Wlie>. Bab}- was slob, we gate her CastorhL When sits woe a Chili], Uio cried for Caatorlo. When sh* became Bln, she clung to Oastorta, When she bad Children, the gave them Caeterlfc JAPANESES CURE , conslstlog of tmont aii.l two j Cure for Plica cf every r.r.t uro t&l deprroa. It mokes ua operation v.lth thol-nifo or injections of carbolic add, vrLjck ore poinful and unldom a porinanout rare, and often rcfmltiag in doatii, tumecoscary. Why ondura WfLKuarafttce <0 You Oiily pay for . ttbynufl. Oftixipie free. Our-ructocs issued by our apents. CONSTIPATION byJasar.tl?LimPe!!el$ ih» great TTVETl and STOMACH BEG CmAVOftuil 81 )Oi> PCRliTEK. Hm«n, julM-and ylt UL-, .HpccluUy&uuutodioc ohlldK&’silMt coats. avmrrns imped cciy tu this torrihls disease?- b&io to euro ci.yuase. benefits ICC.-;veil. 11 a bus, 6 (or $3 by n ' ilsr «ut to For Stic by Dr. it At Bojd, Dirllflitoo, $. C. KNOWING. First. That ( Jolumbiu has a first- class Music House. Second. That everything in shajie of a Musical Instrument can be obtained from this House. Third. That this House represents the builders and knocks out the middle men. Fourth. That the generous public is paturonizing this Home Enterprise liberally. Fifth. That you can obtain the very best Piano made and for the least money from this House. Sixth. That the leading Female Col leges iu this State are using and endorsing the Pianos sold by this Institution. Seventh. That the best Professors of Music in South Caro lina are using and endors ing Instruments procured from this House. Eighth. IVtll find the best Organs ut tl)i> Institution on the market. Ninth. Tiie “Symphony Self-Play- iug Organ,” the marvel of the age, is represented by Ibis Enterprise. Tenth. Orders for Sheet Music will have prompt attention by this Music House. Base Ball Goods, Croquet Sets, Hammocks, DUMB BELLS, INDIAN CLUBS, New Supply Just Received This Week .A.T tTEIE! Darlington Book Store. O IV r r JS 1* E Y Eleventh. old You con have an Piano, Organ or am Musical Instrument put in first-class order at this Establishment. Twelfth. Y on can get your Pianos tuned on short notice by the best tuner South, by addressing this House. Thirteenth. We refer the public to Loan and Exchange Bank of Columbia, - to responsibility. Fourteenth. If yen desire any fur ther information, ad- dresj the proprietors of this Music House. M. A. Malone&Bro. COLUMBIA, S. C. IF YOU DON’T Like the Watch you have, trade it off for another at MASON’S JEWELRY STORE. Monterey as made by the Mission Fathers of California A. D. 1700 to 1845. A purely vegetable extract. It cures all forms of Indigestion, Biliousness, Nervous Affections, Malaria and Dysentery. It regulates the bowels, purifies the blood, tones the stomach. A great restorative after any form of wasting sickness. Invaluable in the cure of excesses in drink or nar cotics. An appetizer and a digestive. A full wine glass thrice daily. Ask Your Dealer For It. MONTEREY COMPANY, Proprietors and manufacturers, FLORENCE, S. C. GIBSON & WOODS FIRE! FIRE! I represent Twelve cf the most reliable Fire Insurance Companies iu the worhl— among them, the Liverpool ami London aud Globe, of Enrjand, I lie h rgest lire oomp.Hiy in Hie world; and the JCinv, of Hartford, the largest of all American tire companies, Prompt attention to business and satis faction guaranteed. F. E. AORMEXT, DARLINGTON, 8. C. Office between Edwards, Normenl On., and -Iny .V Sunders’ TflHE PUBLIC. When yon ar» in the city don't fall to call at the Enterprise Hotel Uurber Shop. It is the only lirst class shop in the city. Fashionable hair cuts, first class shaves and the Great Arabian Egg Shampoo. Four polite barbers always on band to welt on you. MIXON. A HARU£e, Froprleton. . •riM»i Take pleasure in announcing that they are now pepared to issue firs and Life ln;3 Policies, and Cuj place all busi ness entrusted to them iu some of the best companies in the United States. They have such companies as The Home, of New York, and The Hartford, of Hartford, Conn., two of the largest and best managed companies in the country. in Liis brines They invite examination into the plans of the New York Mutual, offering, as they do, very favora ble terms to those who wish to insure. Brobrip a&d S&m&issis; They also couducfc a general Brokerage aud Commission bus iness, and solicit a share of the patronage. L DARLINGTON, S. C, NEW SHOES Manufactured by i£. C. Burt & Co., Drew, Bel by <X Co., Williams, Hoyt pc uo. Examine our $3 Glove Filling Good Lear Well fcdioefor Men. An elegant line of all styles and prices. We carry tho best lino Hand-Sewed Goods ever brought to Darlington. Immense Mb of Oxfords For Ladies, Misses and Children; widths B to E. We have them in the newest lasts and colors, Trunks, Valises, Travei* lags, Efr. We have on hand a complete stock >>( the above goods at astonishing prices. DARLINGTON SKOE STORE, • t WOODS & MILLING, Proprietors,