Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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McCORMICK MESSENGER. McCORMICK. SOUTH CAROUNA Thursday, May 6, 1937 McCORMICK AUTO SALES CO., INC. R. L. Faulkner, Pres. P. G. Fooshe, V. Pres. Authorized Dodeie and Plymouth Dealers We are now ready for business, located at corner of Gold and Main Streets, McCormick, South Carolina, and wish to extend to the general public a cordial wel come to visit us. Wc are also dealers in used cars. Your patronage will he highly appreciated. WINN’S MARKET MARION WINN, Prop. INVITES YOU TO CALL Quality Meats Groceries Fresh Vegetables Delivery Service. Phone 18 Augusta Street. McCORMICK, S. C. SB •! Chilean Nitrate of Soda is as Natural as the ground it comes from. It’s ideal for cotton and for corn. A good side dressing with Chilean "Sody” as Uncle Natchel calls it, is "jes’ the natchel way” to make a better crop. NATURAL AS THE GROUND IT COMES FROM Experience Service Facilities Those are the important things in measuring the worth of a funeral director, and should be borne in mind when you have occasion to choose one DISTANCE IS NO HINDRANCE TO OUR SERVICE and there is no additional charge for service out of town J. S. STROM Main Street McCormick, S. C. *>7' “AlUs Fair ” By ISABEL WAITT © McClure Newsoaper Syndicate. WNU Service. T ETTY HOLMES, clad in her crisp, white uniform, spanked the naughty chimpanzee which had spilled his tea to the plaudits of the crowd around the cage marked Kindergarten. Not until the con clusion of her act, when she sat rocking Jocko, the baby ape, did she notice that a young man with bristling red hair was grinning at her. “A man with a face like that,” she was thinking, noting the bulging forehead, the conspicuously small nose, the beady eyes and freckles, “ought to be on the inside looking out.” Yet he appeared intelli gent and highly interested in her .performance. How could she know Brandon Tyre’s sensibilities were wounded because the most beauti ful girl he had ever seen was that minute rocking a chimpanzee? The Fleming Animal Farm was about to feed its roaring lions raw meat. The spectators moved away from Letty’s kindergarten, all save a few. A middle aged Romeo smirked at the little nurse. “Say, Sister, is that the only thing you can get to rock?” he mocked. The girl ignored him, but her chair ceased its motion. “Suppose you remember,” she heard the homely young man bridle, “Miss Holmes is a lady. Doing her job and doing it well.” “Thanks, Mister,” she smiled, wondering how he had found out her name. “Just another fresh guy. Rastus, give him the razz.” Rastus, the largest of the three anthropoids, cavorted from a tra peze, emitting a flow of abusive sounding jargon. “Oh, I didn’t mean any harm, Cutie,” wheedled the Romeo. “How about a little spin after hours to cool off? My car will be waiting—” “So will you. I don’t make dates with visitors.” “Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear,” Tyre walked up to the old flirt, his palms itching. “You don’t mean to tell me she’s dated up,” exclaimed Romeo, backing away, “with a baboon like you!” For five continuous days Letty noticed the same cheerful, homely face at her every performance. She chatted with Tyre, now and then. “You must love animals. Or may be,” she considered, “you work here.” “I do love animals,” he confessed. “I’ve been promised a job as soon as there’s a vacancy, and I’m sort of learning what I can about the place.” “Maybe you expect to get my act,” Letty laughed at him, “and get me fired.” “That’s not a bad idea,” he re turned seriously. “Only of course, I wouldn’t do it unless you got a better offer.” “Not likely,” she said. “No oth er work for women except selling pop or taking tickets. Besides, I love my apes.” Tyre looked at her adoringly. Sho loved her apes! She loved her apes! The words sang like music in his ears. “If she can do that, per haps—in time—!” Fifteen chimpanzee acts later found Letty Holmes and Brandon Tyre slated for a movie. He was, she thought, the most interesting man she knew. My, what an edu cation! He had been everywhere; i observed everything. While listen- j ing to him she forgot how homely he was. For three days now he had had a job, taking care of the ponies. The elephant man, who rode the j kiddies around in a howdah on Jum bo’s back, had been fired. Cruelty had been hinted. There had been several Changes. “Gee, I may be the next to go,” said Letty nervously. Tyre was passing the Kindergar ten with a - bucket of bread and milk for a small Thibetian bear. “If you get fired I know another posi tion you can have,” he said enig matically. On Saturday night she told him she was discharged from the Flem ing Animal Farm. She was highly indignant. “No one can say I’ve mistreated my pets,” she cried. Then, “Tell me about that new job, Brandon.” “It’s—it’s—it’s taking care of me,” he blurted out. “I—I— thought maybe you wouldn’t mind having me around even if you are as beautiful as an angel and I uglier than Jocko. I love you so, Letty, and maybe you could learn to love me—the way you did the other ” “Don’t say it!” the girl broke in. “You talk as if you were the Missing Link. Why, I think you’ve got the kindest face I know. I—I might take you up on that offer, only I’d hate to think you asked me just because I was going to be down and out.” Tyre took her in his arms. “Silly, I just had to be sure you might care for me before I told you. We’re going to manage this place togeth er. I had you fired, dear. Haven’t you guessed I’m Angus Fleming’s grandson 0 ” WANTED HIS A close-fisted farmer served a ic cal house with three dozen eggs every week. One week he found that he had accidentally sent one egg too many. Determined not to lose on the deal, he called at the house. “Mr. Smith,” he said, “T sent along one egg over the three dozen this week.” Mr. Smith was amused. “Surely you’re not going to worry over a little thing like that,” he said. But the farmer was adamant. He wanted his egg back. “Look here,” Mr. Smith said, “lets settle it with a drink. What will you have?” “Egg and milk,” was the sharp reply.—Pearson’s London Weekly. MUST BE REAL Mrs. Bride—I’ll take a few of your beets if they are live ones. Dealer—Live ones, ma’am? Mrs. Bride—Oh yes, I must have live ones. I heard my husband say he has no use for dead beets. A Kindly Attitude “Have you any objection to me as a son-in-law?” asked the young man. “Yes,” replied Mr. Cumrox. “At present you’re cheerful and companionable and I like you first rate.” “Then why not have me in the family?” “I don’t want to take a chance on spoiling you. I don’t know how you would turn out after mother and the girls had bossed you around for a few years.” Some Speed Lawyer—You say you want this i automobile accident damage suit : pressed through with the utmost speed? Victim—Exactly. I have a child six weeks old, and I want the mon ey to pay his college education. —Providence Journal. Agricultural Uncertainty “There’s no way of telling how crops and the market will be going ! from one year to the next.” “Yet the farm is interesting.” “Yes,” agreed Farmer Corntos- sel. “But it’s no longer what I call a farm. It’s a guessing con test.” THE RIGHT SIZE “My son is a big man in the shew business.” “That so. A producer?” “No. Bouncer in a burlesque theater.” Too Sudden Johnny, ten years old, applied for a job as grocer’s boy for the sum mer. The grocer wanted a serious- minded youth, so he put Johnny to a little test. “Well, my boy, what would you do with a million dollars?” he asked. “Oh, gee, I don’t know—I wasn’t expecting so much at the start.”— Atlanta Constitution. BACK VIEW BEST A Sunday school teacher, cnxjous to impress upon her class of small boys the importance of making oth ers glad as well as ourselves, of fered a prize to any boy who wou’d be able to tell her on the following Sunday that he had made someone else glad. When Sunday came a small boy held up his hand. “Please, teacher. I’ve made some one else glad.” “Well done. Who was that?” “My Granny.” “Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad.” “Please teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, ‘Granny, I’m going home,’ and she said, ‘Well, I’m glad!’”—Tit-Bits Magazine. UP-TO-DATE “Did Jones die a natural death?” “Yes, an airplane landed on him.” Well Trained “In whose reign do we first hear of railways, Mary?” asked the teacher. “In Solomon’s,” promptly replied Mary. She was asked to think again, but persisted in her original statement, and the teacher inquired why she thought so. “Because,” replied the child, “we are told in the Bible that the Queen of Sheba went to Jerusalem with a very great train.” OR STILTS? The Bright Young Thing entered the clothier’s shop and approached the counter. “I want to get a present for an old gentleman,” she said. “Yes, mam,” replied the clerk. “Something nice in ties?” “No, he has a beard,” the girl ex plained. “Hmm,” the clerk murmured thoughtfully. “Perhaps a fancy vest might be suitable?” “No, it’s a long beard,” came back the answer. The clerk sighed wearily. “Well, how about carpet slip pers?” — London Answers Mag azine. MOST IMPORTANT 1 Mr. W.—I’m tired of looking around, I think the last house will suit us very well. Let’s take it. Mrs. W.—Just a minute, Hubby dear, we have not asked the cook how she likes it yet. Sweet Music “The fact that I am a good mu sician,” said the lady, “was the means of saving my life during the flood in our town a few years ago.” “How was that?” asked the young lady who sang. “Well, when the water struck our home my husband got on the fold ing bed and floated down the street i till rescued.” “And what did you do?” “Why, I accompanied him cn the piano.” With Apple Sauce The park orator was getting all worked up. “I tell you,” he rattled On, “this country is gradually going to the dogs. We are spending more than we can afford. Soon there will come a time when we shall be bankrupt. We shall be like the prodigal son; we shall have to eat the food of swine. After that what shall we do?” He passed and glared at his audi ence. During the silence came a voice from the back of the crowd: “Eat the pigs, of course, matey,” it said. Irked Jones pulled into the garage with a grinding of gears and brakes, and asked to see a decent second-hand car. “Getting tired of the old bus?** asked the garage-keeper as he ran his eye over the relic. “Yes, every time I park her some- copper comes running after me to make sure I’ve reported the acci dent.”—Philadelphia Bulletin. Forbearance “Would you kick a man vriien he’s down?” * “No,” answered Cactus Joe. “The truth is I wouldn't kick a man even i when he’s standin’ up. However j much I may dislike a feller, I i haven’t any grouch agin’ his hip flask.” ABOUT SAME THING The Reason “Well, Pat,” said the foreman r “I’m sorry to see you go. Aren't the wages satisfactory?” “The wages are all right,” re turned Pat, “but I have a guilty feel ing all the time.” “About what?” asked the fore man. “I’m all the time thinking I’m do ing a horse out of a job.” OH MY! 1 L \ ^ 99 | “Jack called me ‘dear’ last night “Well all the other fellows call you ' expensive.” They Might Do It First Worker — Bill made a bad mistake today, and I bet it’ll cost him the election. Second Worker — What was the break? First Worker—He got excited and yelled, “Let the best man win!” and I’ll bet they take him seriously. Error Pat wanted to borrow some money from Michael, who happened to have a small boy with him at the moment. “’Tis a fine kid you have there, Mike,” said Pat. “A magnificent head and noble fea tures. Could you lean me ten?” “I could not,” replied Mike. “’Tis me wife’s child by her first hus band.^—Montreal Star. Author—I do my best work at night. Editor—You must have written i this poem after a hearty breakfasts One Secret Kept Mrs. Smith—My husband talks in his sleep. Doesn't yours? Mrs. Jones—No, and it’s so ex asperating. He only smiles!—Stray Stories Magazine. Family Trait Mrs. Clancy—Where have I seen i that girl before? Mrs. O’Leary—That’s Mrs. Gro gan’s daughter, what used to be called Agnes. She went on the stage, and has a nom-de-plume now. Mrs. Clancy—Poor girl. Her moth- ei wasn’t too strong either. Thought and Sound “Why do you play the violin?” “Because,” answered the thoughtful person, “I am a phil osopher.” “And also a musician?” “No. If I were a true musician and not a philosopher, the best I could do with a fiddle would prob ably distress me terribly.” Cheated On a rainy day Buddy could not play out and was peeved. Mother was amused when he said: “You said Santa brought my toys, but I didn’t see him—and you said the stork brought little sister and T didn’t see the stork—I don’t get to see anything—I didn’t even get -ta see you and daddy get married.”— Indianapolis News. Carelessness Sailor—We just dropped our an- < 'vtr, lady. Lady—I thought you would. It’s 1 ten dangling outside for sqme l -ne.—Philadelphia Inquirer. Get a Veil He was a widower, getting along in years, and no longer handsome. “You are the fifth girl I have pro posed to without avail.” “Well,” said the girl, kindly, “bet ter wear one next time. Maybe you'll have better luck.” — Van couver Province. Getting Up in the World “Will I have a chance to rise?” asked a young applicant. “You’re darn tooting you will,” snapped the boss. “I want you here a; 7 every morning!” He Was Not Married A man entered the waiting room of a hospital. His head was en veloped in bandages. Doctor—Are you married? Man—No. I’ve been run over. One Way Mrs. Multikids — I never punish my children. It’s decidedly against my principles. Mrs. Morekids — I wonder how you can expect to manage them. Mrs. Multikids — I tell my hus band when they misbehave and he larrups them.—Windsor Star. Maybe a Trumpet Call Maiden Aunt (to her nephew, a. poor preacher)—James, why did you. enter the ministry?” “Because I was called,” he an swered. “James,” said the old lady, anx iously, “are you sure it wasn’t some other noise you heard?”—Philadel phia Bulletin. Unhappy Boyhood Days “Do you ever wish you were a boy again?” “No,” answered Senator Sorghum. “It is now my privilege to assume supreme intellectual authority. As a boy I had to listen in humility to anything the teacher chose to tell me.” Deep Dyed Mystery “Who is the lady with splendid! auburn locks?” inquired the daz zled youth. “She belongs to the secret serv ice,” said Miss Cayenne. “And, by the way, those locks are imitation.’* “I understand; drawing a red hairing over a trail.” Heard at the Show “Why didn’t my dog win a prize?’* “He failed on legs — not long erough.” ’Well, they touch the floor, don’t ti.v y?” One in a Million Casting Director — Why do you ca.l yourself one girl in a million? Sweet Thing — Well, they told me that was the chance with 3 r cu of getting a job.