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VOL. VII. NO. 23. BARNWELL. 0. H., S. O., THURSDAY, MARCH 13. 1884.
D&JBAM WHILE YOU MAY.
While the moonbeam* bright are peeping
Through the ivy-eartained pane
Ry their mellow radiance steeping
Every object in the lane
With a silvery gray.
Dream on, darling? While thon’rt sleeping,
Angels pure and bright
Aronnd your cot their watch are keeping
Through the silent night;
Then dream on while you may.
Ah 1 too soon will come the waking
From the dreams of childhood’s days ;
Clouds the fair horison breaking
Boon will meet thy youthful gaze
Aa you wend life’s way.
Soon thy heart will feel the aching
That no joy can kill or calm ;
Cherished hopes their leave be taking,
Hopes that never could bring balm,
Then dream on while you may.
Boon the hours of childhood flying,
From your transient dreams you’ll wake,
And the sound of sobs and sighing
On your youthful years will break,
Aa from day to day
Ton will try—but vain the trying—
To find that bliss no one can know;
For grief ia living, joy is dying,
In this weary world of woe ;
„ Then dream on while you may.
Jcvnn M’CaaTHT.
TOO _LA.TE(.
"Ia there a letter for me to-day ?”
What a pale face, and, withal, what a
pretty one ! Pretty, although the bright
eyea were languid and had lost their
aparkle; pretty, though there were
wrinkle* in the white forehead—wrinkles
not wrought by time, but stamped there
by grief and sorrow.
Grief and sorrow, I said. 8611, it
would be more correct to say that hope
and patient waiting had made pretty
Alice Werder old, although not more than
twenty summers had passed over her in
nocent head.
"Ia there a letter tor me to-day ?”
A dark fluah overspread the pale fore
head aad blanched features, a sudden
brightness oame into the drooping eyea,
and they became suffused with tears.
What a tremor passed through the wasted
form 1 How the weak voice trembled
between hope and despair 1
The old postmaster took up a packet
of letters and slowly looked them over,
ss he slwsys did when Alice aeked this
question. He well knew there wss no
letter for her, but it was so hard to say
the little word that would send her away
with an added weight of disappointment
For six months past she bad come, day
after day, in sunshine and storm, always
with the same question on her lips, and
always receiving the same negative reply.
"la there a letter for me to-day ?”
Poor Alice Werder I When, two years
before, the vivacious and scheming Hugo
Werder led her to the altar, the people
said the young ne’er-do-well wa^ only
after her money, and when he had secured
that he would neglect the sweet, trusting
girl, and would live merely for his own
pfaMML -
Hugo Werder was poor—Alice, an or
phan and comparatively wealthy. Hugo,
after their marriage, allowed himself to
be drawn into unfortunate speculations
and lost everything; but his hopeful
little wife only said:
"Never mind, Hugo, be comforted; we
will come through all right. Why, you
know we can work. ’V And the kissed
him and smiled as happily as she had
done a year before, when, with joyful
countenance, she arid: "Hugo, I am
yours.
But poverty is bitter, end the suduc-
tivenry of “gold ! gold I” oame from the
fsr-off shores of America—from the mines
of California, and thither Hugo repaired.
Every one said he would desert hie
young wife and child. All agreed that
whatever he might do he was at heart a
villain. Everybody said this, and every
body believed it, save Alice. She alone
dieooontenaneed the dark predictions so
freely made against Hugo; she alone dis
believed the ealumny heaped upon him
from all sides.
Alice slowly, despondently, tamed her
beak upon the poet office. Bat this was
nothing new; a hundred tunes she ha£
gone away from the plaee with the same
expression of deep despair on her pale,
sorrowful face. Poor Alice t She was
so weak and tired. Bat what mattered
that ? Who oared for her ?
• • a * a
"Are you writing home ?” asked Rich
aid Sommer.
Hugo Werder yawAd, wiped his pen
and slowly answered, "Tee.”
"To your precious little wife, 1 sup
poaeT
“Ym,"
"How often have you written that
faithful little one rinse you are barer
Hugo waa startled at this sodden ques
tion, and as ha hung his head a crimson
blush oame brio hie face, and he falter-
ingly replied:
"I am ashamed to ariranwledgs that
"The first time T eried Us astounded
cwpawirei. "The first time I This is
shameful, insnousabla fa you r
•T would not haws aonfemsd it to any
one hut you,” answered Werder. "I
will tell you hew it came to be so: When
I lint oame ham I had so much to do,
and I have a dislike for latter-writiag, so
I put it off from day to day, weak
after week, until) was realty ashamed to
write without sending aoaaathing with
far you know aha had not aL
1 to pay the, baker and
"But did you not at a single stroke
make *2.000 r
"Tea, yea, I know it wall. I am
a wretch 1 As you say, I had 92,000, but
In one night it was all gone again. I in
tended writing Alice the day after my
anceeaa, bat that night I passed s gam
bling-house. I turned back and entered
it, I drank, played, lost, and waa again
beggared. Should I have written her an
empty letter then, after having spent six
months without sending her a angle
dollar? Bo I have waited and waited
till now. But when she gets this letter
she will be $100 richer, poor little girl,
and then she will forgive all my neglect
I know that well, beforehand.”
"She should forgive you nothing,
Hugo,” said his companion.
"Ah, yea I I deserve no forgiveness,
but Alice ia a dear, loving little darling,
and so true, that I know the will over
look all my shortcomings.”
"Mrs. Alice Werder.” The postmark
was California, aad the address was in
Hugo’s well-known hautl writing. Was
it possible!
The little postmaster read a <1 re-read
the superacription. Surely thw was uo
mistake. The letter had come at last!
"Oh, how glad she will be! How her
tender eyes will sparkle I It is worth
money to be able to give her this letter,”
said the old postmaster to his wife.
"Poor child 1”
"Pom: child, indeed,” repeated the
wife, as she caught the stitch she had
dropped. "I am getting so blind,” waa
her murmured explanation.
Bnt I should not wonder if heartfelt
tears had caused the sadden “blindness”
of the good, sympathising old soul,
"I cannot imagine why she does not
oame to-day,” remarked the little old
man, when the afternoon had slowly
passed and evening was setting in
"Taks the letter to her, Sophie. Poor
thing, perhaps her child ia too sick for
her to leave it.”
"My rheumatism makes it so hard for
me to go oat. I will take care of
things here, and go yon—it ia but a few
steps to her house.”
“Well, then, When I have closed the
postoffloe, if she does not come befor&,
I will go,” wss the old man’s answer.
“Go rather at onoe,” continued his
Wife. "The thought of the poor, young
thing makes me sorrowful How strange
■he looked vesterdav when she askee’
if you were sore there was no letter for
her, and when yon asked about her child
how strangely she answered: 'It is not
very well to-day, bnt I guess it will be
better fcMnorrow,' and how sadly she
laid her hand upon her heart, aa though
it hurt her there.”
"Tea, yes; poor thing 1” wss the old
man’s only re»»lv.
Rap 1 Rap I Rap I
The wind softly fluttered the dewy
leaves of the bushes about the little
home; the stars oame out in the blue
heavens; the moon looked down with
a pale, calm, gloomy face upon the
little old postmaster aa he stood silently
waiting at Alice Werder’s door.
Rap! rap! rap 1 But still no answer
oame.
"Sorely she cannot yet be sleeping,”
thought the old man. *
But ah, Alioe was sleeping. Heaven
had called her—those who sleep aa she
slept never awake again on earth. This
life was too hard for her. Ah, Alice,
with your dead child on your breast—
ah, Aboe, could you bat here hoped a
•ingle day longer I
-• * * v * * *
"A letter for me?” waa the question
of Hugo Werder.
"A strange hand-writing. Hr. j my
own letter and two looks of light, silken
hair t What does this signify ?”
Hugo Warder's face grew deathly
white, and his hand trembled, aa with
the palsy, aa he read this letter, written
in the unsteady hand of the old post
master:
"Inclosed is returned your letter. It
came too late—they are both dead.
May Heaven forgive yon ; your neglect
has killed them. Here ia a look of your
wife's hair and one of her child’s. They
both sleep in one grave. Again, may
Heaven forgive yon. Ah, had your let
ter come one day sooner, or had Alice
honed for one day more 1”
A Case of Contempt.
Senator Vanoetella this story: "Whet.
Judge Tourpee wps on the bench in
North Carolina, an old chum of his was
brought before him on some trifling
charge. During the trial the prisoner
said something that highly displeased
his honor. "Do you msan, 0 sternly
said the Judge, "to bring this court into
contempt ?” The prisoner smiled and
■aid: “Judge, you haws kupun me for
many years, aad we have bean Mends,
haven't we?” "That is a faet,” said the
Judge. "Too would do me a favor
within reason, even now, would you
notr "Very likely,” responded hfa
Honor, all graoioasneas and good humor,
"but what fa itr "Well, retorted the
scamp, "do not pceas me too hard on
the point of contempt this morning I”
— —-V,
"Mms Gnaw,” said a Fort Wayne
lady to another during a raesnteaU,
"why don't you join the Daughters of
Tempemnee ?” "Cause.” "Cause why?*
“Why—why—” was the blushing re
ply, "I intend to join one of the sou in
a
CAPTAIN MARY MILLER.
MHE " IIANDI.RB A BOAT AH WB1.I. A9
ANY MAN ON THB KIVBK.”
What A LaSy MtaaaiSaat ( aptaia ha* t*
_ Nay ai liar Praleaalaa.
Mrs. Miller, the New Orleans female
steamboat captain, is a trim, bonny lit
tle woman, whom nobody would credit
with yean enough to be the mother, as
she is,of a family of four children, two of
whom are almost grown.
"I come of a steamboat family,” said
the lady; "my father waa a steamboat-
man, and after I married Captain Miller
that was seventeen years ago—I of
course spent much of my time on the
river. We have a beautiful home at
Louisville, and my little ones are all
there now, bnt for the past four years I
have been living mainly on a boat. My
husband used to do nothing but pilot,
and I spent much of my time in the
pilot house and learned to manage a boat
and how to navigate certain rivers, in
ipite of myself.
"I learned to handel a boat aa well aa
any man on the river, and several years
ago I had occasion to test my ability.
Onoe my husband fell ill with fever and
we had a ran of half a hundred miles to
make, with several landings, in a very
crooked bayou. I took the boat's wheel
and got through all right, although you
would have laughed over the amaze
ment of the natives to see s woman
piloting. Several years ago we had to go
and take off loaded bargee from a boat
stack on a sandbar above Cairo. My hus
band had to leave oar boat and remain
cm the other, which was leaking badly,
and so I took the deck, had the barges
made fast to os, turned the boat (round
•nd earned her down to Cairo. Captain
Cannon said then I had as good a right
to a captain’s license as any man on the
river.
"1 manage all the money matters.
When we are up in the parishes I bay
and load the boat with oottonseed, which
bay after inspecting samples, and
bring to New Orleans and aell out to
merchants. We carry other freight, of
course, and I bay all the boat’s provis
ions, and provisions also to sell to the
plantation hands np in the country.
Then 1 do all the collecting and bank
ing business. At first the merchants
thought it odd to see a woman oome in
collecting, but I have never yet been
treated with anything bnt courtesy and
kindness; and, besides, they never hal
loo oat to me to ‘call again,’ aa they
might to a man.
"I shall keep on just as I am moving,
exoept that I shall be oftener on deck
and looking alter the boat when she
lands and puts freight off or on. I
wanted a license because I had earned it
and wished to undertake when neces
sary the free duties of a steamboat cap-
fafal. . , ~
"You must not think my life has been
eventful. We have never had any acci
dents happen to ns since we have been
n the river, and I am not afraid of any.
Oars is a thousand-mile trip, and I sew,
read, write to the children, make out
bills, and take the deck when necessary.
Not many boats take our route. It ia
through a beautiful hilly country, and
the people we meet at landings all know
me. Most of them call me Captain Mil
ler, already.
"Steamboating was forced on me, and
the happiest thing it has taught me is
that whaler ft man may learn to do, a
woman may also, provided it ia not a
question of muscle.*’
How They Met Mr. Lincoln.
PANICS IN RELIGION.
Rtwr Dr. Csllrrr the Harm Das*
Kalthleea Mea la (he Chareh.
av
On the Fourth of July, 1861, four of
the young fellows of Company E, Third
Michigan infantry, of whom I was one,
were strolling up the Potomac river road
when we met a large cab driving toward
the city. Two colored men sat on the
driver’s seat, in suits of dark bine with
large plain brass battens and ping hats.
One of the boys remarked: " They think
they are some, don't they? Let’s have
some fun with them.” All agreed, and
aa they oame up we kept the road. So
did they. The team oame to a halt and
a voice from the cab said: " What’s
wap ted ?” and when we looked that way
their was a silver-haired man looking out
the door. We told him we wanted to
take a ride with him to Washington to
see Old Abe. Thereupon he stepped out
of the carriage, saying: "Didn’t you
ever see him ?” and waa followed by an
other man, and then another, until four
men stood in front of us boys. I had
only noticed that they were fine-looking
men, when the first one said: " Soldiers,
I introduce you to the President of the
United States; also the Hon. E. ML
Stanton, secretary of war; the Hon.
Wm. Seward, and myself, the Hon.
Gideon Welles.” The President stepped
forward, shook hands with us and
laughed at the joke; but our situation
waa beyond the langhing point, and
soon there were four silly-looking fel
lows going for camp at quick-step gate.
I notice, said Rev. Dr. Collyar, in
his sermon Sunday morning, that when
I talk with those who watch the world’s
great markets they say that when there
is an ever-growing fever in the centers of
business, if this continues wo are going
to have a panic. And 1 answer "God
forbid,” for I know of but few things in
this world and life of ours so cruel and
ruthless as a panic, or that takes the
manhood so completely out of men,
leaving only a mob of poltroons and
monsters. It makes no matter what
form the evil and ugly thing may take,
in a public hall or theater or in a church'
where men go to worship God or in Wall
street; and it is no matter what our
conduct may have been down to the day
when we were confronted in a moment
by this last and moat terrible test of our
manhood. If we have lost on that day
the quality Herbert Spencer insists on
ss one of the choicest blessings we can
possees—"the supremacy of self-control”
it is all over with us the rest of our
lives.
I notice that my brethren in their con
ferences deplore the deadneas in their
churches. I do not wonder at this, but
do wonder a little that they should
even by inference lay ths blame on God
and talk as if they believed with the
priests of Baal that He was asleep i^
lis heavens or had gone on a journey,
leoause if they only look deeper they
will see that the whole trouble lies with
the Christians themselves. I venture
to observe, but with no mean spirit,
God knows, that the moet cruel and
ruthless blows ever struck against our
common faith have been made, not by
men like Robert Ingersoll, but by dea
cons of good standing in their churches
and prominent persona in Christian as
sociations. Where men I will not name
do things I will not name under the
mask of religion—the safest mask I
mow of—it is no wonder so many should
go apart and say if this is the fruit I
do not believe in the tree. No wonder
that so many should leave the churches
and that we should have what we may
call a religious panic. And when this
panic occurs no words of mine or of
any one else can estimate the damage
it does to the world ; for it means that
men throw aside all religion, all moral
ity, all that is really precious in this life.
But such panics and desertions from re
ligion will invariably take place when we
see unworthy men who have no real re-
igioua life in them assume the high
places in Christian councils.
A Story of General Scotr.
A young lady while visiting at Jack
sonville, Florida, painted a plaque,
which, she remarked to a Mend, she
would have to sand to Boston to be
"fired,” aa thsee waa no place in the
vicinity of 'Jacksonville where .such
work eon id be dose. Said the gentle
man friend: "If you think these isn’t
any place for firing ahina in this town,
you’d better take a look at Henry Park*
ex’* back yard.”
Far the Better of Shlppiag.
The Senate Committee on Commerce
authoriaed Senator Frye to report to the 1
Senate farpasaage a new bill for the re
lief of American shipping. This meas
ure has been prepared by the committee
m a aubetitute for all the various bills
heretofore referred to it on the same
general sabjeot. Its main features are
aa follows:
It grants authority, under certain oir-
oumstanoee, for American vessels to em
ploy any officer, other than a captain, of \
foreign birth. The prohibition of the
payment of advance wages under heavy
penalties is extended to foreign as well
as American vessels. A modification is
made of the law respecting three moo ths’
extra wagea, repealing it in certain case:
and in others limiting it to one me nth
Sections 4,585, 4,586 and 4,587 Re rise 1
Statutes, relating to the assessmeo t ai^l
collection of a hospital tax for tbe sex-
men, are to be repealed, and in their
place it is provided that hereafter the
marine hospitals shall be maintained at
the expense of the United States.
The bill farther provides that all irti-
cles of foreign prodnotion may be with
drawn from bonded warehouses for the
supply of vessels engaged in foreign
trade, including trade between the At
lantic and the Pacific porta of the Uni
ted States, free of duty.
A drawback of ninety per cent is al
lowed on imported materials used in the
construction of vessels built in thik
country for foreign account, whether
such vessels are built wholly or only in
part of foreign materials.
Under existing law the drawback is
applicable only to vessels built entirely
of foreign materials.
The indhridnal liability of a shipowner
is to be limited to the proportion of any
debts or liabilities that his individual
share of the vessel bears to the whole,
and the aggregate liabilities of all the
owners of a vessel shall not exceed the
value of such vessel and pending freight.
A Veteran Ship Captain.
(JUAKER CITY HUMOR.
A FEW THIN«* ACCIDBNTAI.I.YOVRR.
It BAKU BY TUB “BY BNINU CA I.I..”
PATRIOTISM.
Ethel—"Isn’t thia funny?”
Mabel—"What, dear?"
Ethel—“Thia in the paper about kiss-
M
Mabel—"I did not see it.”
Ethel—“Why, Dr. Deems says that
kissing ia ’a purely American habit.’”
“Mabel- -"Oh I how glorious it is to
be bom an American."—
in
HS BAD BNOUOH.
"How much are them a quart?” a
countryman asked as be picked up a
strawberry from in front of a fruit store
on Chestnut street and swallowed it
"Fifty cents a piece.”
"What?" shouted the countryman.
"Fifty cents a piece. Try another;
they’re nice and freah."
"No," he replied, as he handed over
half a dollar, "I’ve had all the atraw-
betries I want”
ta JUKFBD.
Mrs. D.—“What a wonderful juspm'
the puma ia 1”
Mr. D.—“What have yon found
now?”
Mm, D.—“Here is an item whieh say*
that 'a puma in the Blue mown tains re
cently jumped 40 feet’" -j
Mr. D.—“Poor fellow 1 I can sympa
thize with him.”
Mm. D.—"How is that?”
Mr. D.—"Most likely the luckless
animal was searching for paregorio ia
the dark and stepped on a tack."
A Washington correspondent tells the
following story of General Winfield
Soott: While he was still at the head of
tbe army, with his office on Seventeenth
street, just opposite the war department,
he was coming out one day teenier his
carriage, cane in hand. A volunteer or
derly, who knew nothing of Soott’s views
of military propriety, approached him
with a letter from a war department
bureau, which he had been directed to
deliver to General Soott at once. The
orderly, recking nothing of adjutants
general or chiefs of staff, interpreted
his order literally, and hastily giving a
careless salute, began:
"Oh, general, here’s a paper I want
yon to look at before you ”
For a moment the proud oommander-
in-chief seemed petrified. Then raising
his cane, he said in a load voice:
“Clear out, air; dear out of the way.”
The startled orderly sprang to (me side,
and the general got into his carriage and
was driven away. The soldier then de
livered his letter to some one in the office
and walked slowly oat. General Soott's
carriage had net gone thirty rods before
it stopped and turned about. The
driver, raising his voice, summoned-, the
offending orderly to the door. Trembling
in every limb, cap in hand, he ap
proached. General Soott asked his
.name and regiment He gave them.
"Well, sir,” said the general, "report
to your colonel that you were guilty of
groaa diareapeot to Genasal Soott aa an
officer, and that General Scott was guilty
of gross disrespect to you aa a man.
General Soott begs your pardon. Go to
your duty, sir. "
A Publisher's Experience.
It is an experience of publishers that
too many people are apt to think it mat
ters bnt little whether the newspaper bill
• paid promptly or not, that it ia a small
ram and is of but little consequence.
This is not beoanse subscribers are un
willing to pay, bnt rather beoanse they
are negligent. Each one imagines be
cause his year’s indebtedness smounts
to so small a sum the publisher cannot
be much in want of it, without for a
moment thinking that the income of a
newspaper is made up of just such small
amounts, and that the aggregate of all
subscriptions is by no means inconsider
able sums of money, without which pub
Ushers could not coutinne to issue their
paper. The proper way ia to always pay
in advance —GIom FeUU Republican.
Gapt. Leonard D. Shaw, one of the
old-time American ship commanders,
died in New York a few days ago.
Gapt. Shaw was l>orn in Portland,
Me., on Jan. 20, 1804. He was on the
United States ship Enterprise in her bat
tle with the British sloop-of-war Boxer,
and was for years noted as a most prom
inent American ship captain. One of
the Oapt&in’s peculiarities wss that, in
deference to his wife’s religious views,
he would never sail oat of port ou Sun
day. During the fifties he wss once
strongly tempted to break this rule,
there being two other vessels bound to
the same port in Cuba that he waa
chartered for. He yielded to his wife,
however. His vessel was the only one
of the three that reached port. The other
two were oaught in a cyclone, the edge
of which only served to help him on his
way, while the centre swallowed the
other two. He was, nevertheless,
wrecked several times. Onoe, when
bound home from Maracaibo, his vessel
foundered. As she was going down the
crew got the long boat over tbe side and
began to lower a barrel of water into it
The tackle gave way and the barrel went
through the bottom of the boat. A raft
hastily constructed, but when ibis
done the hull was so full of water
that no provision* could be hoisted out
Gapt Shaw dived down into the galley,
however, and brought out a four-pound
piece of pork. With this the crew, seven
in all, embarked. In three days three
died of exhaustion and one leaped over
board, being erased by his sufferings^.-
The survivors were picked up next day
by a schooner that carried several can
nons and a large crew heavily a> med.
The Oaptain of the schooner matte the
survivors take an oath that they would
not give any information about tbe ves
sel that saved them, and landed them
on the south coast of Cuba. This was
in 1841.
Examining a Bank.
The Manchester (N. H.) Union tells a
very interesting story of a bright tittle
girl of 7, who walked into the Merrimao
savings bank and asked, with what
seemed to be childish cariosity, to see
the bank. The treasurer, with com
mendable kindness of heart, asked her
to-etep behind the counter, and showed
her all the money, including that in the
vault Suddenly she stopped, and lock
ing up into the treasurer’s face, said:
"Well, I believe it’s all right” "What
in nil right?” queried the official.
"Why, the bank ia all right,” she said,
and then continued: "Mr. Bank man,
my name ia Amy Bell, and nty papa pat
95 into this savings bank for me the
other day, and I wanted to see what kind
of a place it was. I never waa in a bank
before.” The gentleman assured her
thst the money was safe, and after ask
ing afew childish questions she departed,
feeling settled in her young mind oob-
corning the custody of her money.
What ia quite as interesting as tbe story
is the notion the Union seems to have
that the' examination which the little
girl made waa a childish proceeding.
Everybody at all familiar with the his
tory of bank failures in New England
elsewhere will see at a glance that
the child’s examination waa of precisely
RATHER TOO TOtJNQ.
"Papa,” said a little boy at breakfast,
"yesterday, at school, the teacher read
something from a book called 'Tbe Au
tocrat at the Breakfast Table.’ What
does it mean ?”
"You. are rather too young yet, my
eon,” replied the old man, as he helped
himeelf to the top buckwheat oake and
smothered it with the cream intended
for his wife’s coffee, "to understand such
matters.”
A STRANOF. ARREST.
“You say the officer arrested you
while you were quietly minding your
own business ?”
“Yes, your honor. He caught me
suddenly by the coat collar and threat
ened to strike me with hii club unless I
accompanied him to the station house.’'
“Yon were quietly attending to your
own business; making no noise or dis
turbance of any kind ?”
“None whatever, sir.”
“It seems very strange. What ia
your business?”
“I’m a burglar.”
Gnatomer—"Business to brightening
np some, isn’t it?”
Jobber in Brooms—"I should Bay so.
Sold 20,000 brooms this week.”
Gustomer—"Wheredid they goto?
Jobber—"All over the country. We
get orders from everywhere. One small
town bought 2,000 for Ito atieit fitaaiMl.”
Customer—"Did you aell any to the
Philadelphia Highway Department f’
Jobber—"Oh, yes, one; and they
promtoed to call next year aad bay
another.”
WOULD NOT DO.
First Railroad Man—"What do you
think of the new patent ‘railroad tattler,'
which registers the speed of trains ?”
Second Railroad Man—"I have had
some experience with it, and think II
may do for through express trains.”
First R. M.—"Have you tried It on
accommodation trains?”
Second R. M.—“Yes, but it did net
give satisfaction. Long before we
reached the end of the fire! trip t)» ap
paratus ceased regtotering.”
First R M.—"Indeed 1 What stopped
it from working?”
Second R. M.—"Rost.”
HOTHINO REMARKABLE.
Mr. D. (reading)—"A single mahog
any tree has been known to bring $5,000
when cut up into veneers.”
Mrs. D.—“Whatof it?”
Mr. D.—"What of it? Do you not
think that fact very remarkable ?”
Mrs. D.—"No; it is nothing extraor
dinary. We have done better than that
with much less material.”
Mr. D.—"How do you meanl”
Mrs. D.—"You rcmemlier our last
church festival ?”
Mr. D.—“Yea.”
Mrs. D.—"Well, a' single oyster
brought us in 96.000.”
"See here, sir,” said a philanthropist
to a seedy-looking tramp, “thia to the
third time you have aeked ffix help this
week.”
"I know It.”
"There to no need of any <
so low down as you seem to 1
I waa careful early in life to 1
thing laid by for a rainy dag. I don’t
see why other people cant do the aams
thing and live within their means.”
"It to easy soough to Arise people to
five within their mesne," replied the
tramp, "but ths trouble to to find the
means to live within. That’s what I am
after now.”
He got another dollar.
A REMEDY.
Mm. Sosntdiet (boarding • hones
keeper)—"You do not look very well,
Mr. Slim; I am afraid you keep too late
hours.”
Mr. Slim (boarder)—"I was out a
little late last night, bnt usually am in.
pretty early.”
Mm. Beantdiet—“You ought to take a
tonic of some kind, Here, for Instance,
is an advertisement of Dr. Cure-All’a
Litters, said to be a remedy for tbe
'tired, sinking, empty feeling’ that
some people experience. Do you ever
Lave that ?”
Mr. Slim—"Yes, three times a day—
fter everv meal.” v '*
A TYPOGRAPHICAL MXBTAKB.
"Yes,” said a shabby dressed
“printer* (ometimte make vmy bad
blunders. It to to a typographies! mis
take that I owe my present oonditfaa of
poverty."
"How can that be?” he was i
"It was some yearn ago,” ha
"I had just embarked in the patent mad
idne business, having dtoeoretud a wow*
derful remedy for general debility sad
that sort of thing. I <
ttoement to be inserted in a 1
paper, with the
fore and after taking,’ but I uarer sold
a bottle of the medicine, aad in two
weeks from tbe date of the first adver-
ttoement the whole buainem waa in the
" Well, wb»i bad a typograpUaal ereor
to do with your failure?”
"The printer got the words ‘before’
and 'after’ transposed, and I didn’t no
tice the mistake.”
well be aome-
to lean that the mem
bers of the Freoeh deputation of work
men recently here ere telling their fellow
countrymen that, our laboring clamaa tbe same searching and exhaustive char
kyoder and hare
imd tom liberty than those of
comforts
aeter ee that which directors and bank
A HUMANE ACT.
Western Railroad Superintendent—“1
want yon to get np some sort of signal
arrangement so that brakemen on
freight trains will be warned of the near
ness of cross-track bridges in time to
duck their heads.”
Assistant—“You mean the bridges
which carry the wagon roads over oar
track, of course.”
Superintendent—‘ ‘Certainly. ”
Assistant—"It to very humane of yoo
to take such a step, as it will save the
lives of many brakemen.”
Superintendent—"To tell the tenth, I
was not looking at the mattes in just that
light. Yon know the law compels ns to
build those bridges ourselves to avoid
crowing at grade, and wq run them np
just aa cheap as possible.”
Assistant—"Yea.”
Superintendent—“Well, I don’t want
those bridges knocked over.”
NO REN8E or HUMOR.
A gentleman in a street oar, while
rending a newspaper, discovered a par
agraph that struck him as particularly
fanny.
"Here is something good,” iiEsaidf to
his neighbor, and be read the item to
him.'
A tired look swept over the gentle-
man’sfaoe, but he never smih-d.
Preecutly the render cxim- across
at.other paragraph that tickled his fancy.
“I will try him with ibis one,” he
said.
_ He did so, and a tear actually welled
om of his neighbor's eye and coursed
slowly down his cheek.
"Heavens, man 1” was the exclama
tion, “what’s the matter with you ? Have
you no sense of hnmor? WbaMo you
do to pass away the time, anyway f n
Looking mournf uUy out of tbe window
ths stranger replied:
“I am a proofreader ou a comic
WHAT MB DIBD OF.
‘ Jones—“I see it steted that a
known Philadelphia businass mm died
suddenly in a street oar the other night
of alcoholism. ”
Smith—“You probably saw that ia
some New York paper. Thoaa New
Yorkers are always stertfag up some
libel or other on Philadelphia.”
Jernes—“Then it to not true?”
Smith—“I should say boA It to a
mean, despicable slander. The man waa
a friend of mine, and although bo* b
teetotaler, he was nerer cwuaidsred a
hard drinker.”
Jones “Did be die in a street ear?”
Smith—“Well, yes; I admit that ha
did.”
Jones—“Then what did he die of?”
Smith—"Don’t know. From to
death, probably.”
After the
Some one pretends to hare found a
plumlter’s bill which ran thus: "Ffariag
up Smith’s bunted pipes, to "wit: Go
ing to see tbe job, 91;
tools and help, 92: finding the
$1.50; sending for more help, 9L25;
going back for solder forgotten, 9L50;
bringing tbe solder, 9fa burned my fin
ger, $2; lost my tobeoeo, 50 eestos; get
ting to work, 98; getting a^rambtents to
work; 92.50; fixing tba pipe, * sente;'
going home, 92.50;
and tear on took,
clothing, 98; total, 99^98. ”