Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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m?-. THE JOKERS' BUDGET, *',V WIIAY JOKKS ANI> BAHIIEH- FOK LEI8l'KK IIOUU RUAU1MJ. ' KDfH(UMtcd Briton?A <;ei.tleiimn Burglar ?Tko Visitor's lliil?The Hays ?l The Week?A Trusted Citizen, Etc., Etc. A GENTLEMANLY BURGLAR. Hearing a noise at night, Jones descends with lighted candle and discov3* a burglar escaping with a full sack. "Hello!" he cries, "conic back, you!" "Eh, what?" returns the burglar; \ "ah, yes, the silver candlestick. Permit n?e." lie takes it from the hand of the astonished Jones and puts it in his bag. "Ton thousand thanks. Have I forgotten anything else?" I NO TIME KOK KETIIOSI'ECTION. Mrs. Muggs?Ah, Ilcnry, I fear you tovc me no longer. Mr. Muggs?What a l'oolish idea! "No, it isn't. We have been married % year, and you arc perfectly indifferent lo me. I can remember when you loved me madly. Now you never speak of love ?never refer to the past " "Well, my dear, there's a reason for it. Just now I'm dealing so heavily in futures that I haven't time to think of the past."? Phila. Calf. A DISGUSTED UUITOK. An English nobleman in reduced circumstances moved to Western Texas. Not long sincc the English exile, meeting Col. H. B. Andrews, Vice-President of the Sunset Railroad, said:? "Hit's a blawstcd kentry, yc knaw. Pm going 'onic to hold England." "What's the matter with the country?.' "Why. hit's beastly. If a man don't work he don't get anything to eat, ye knaw. I could have that at ome much cheaper, yc knaw." A VEUY PKACTICAL. WOMAN. ' This short., but pointed conversation between two ladies was overheard in front of the Japanese wood carver's stall at the Iguatious Hall exhibition. They were attentively regarding the carved figure valued at $3,000. "It'6 a wonderful piccc of work, of eoursc; out. ^wouldn't give $3,000 for 1-1 J M uiv uiu wuwiun iiiuli. "Well, I should say not. Why, if I bad $3,000 I could afford to have a live ?nc."?San Franciscan. A SHOUT HOMILY ON CHILDHOOD. "Now, Bobby." warned the old gen-' Ucnian, as the family sat down to dinner, "you mustn't bother Mr. Featherly with foolish questions. In the presence of older people little boys should be 1 . Been, not heard." "I was only coin' to ask him one," ^ aaid Bobby, with an injured air. "All rigbt, Bobby," laughed Featherly, very much amused, "go ahead. You nustn'l be too hard on Robby, Mr. Hendiicks," he continued, turning to that gentleman, "little boys are all alike; She world to them is full of the strange ad inexplicable! And. after all, what re we but children of a larger growth? Er?what is it, Bobbv, that vou want to ask me?" "I was goin' to ask vou about vour eyes." "My eyes?" "Yes. Pa says that a silver dollar to you looks as\?ig as a cartwheel." | TIIK WAKSINO. i j Materfainilias (to Tommy, who is helping himself liberally to cu-rant jam at the supper table)?"Tommy, after the olemn wnrninrr rni 1 liofl T uVinnl/1 .. W. u J W? <*UV4, A OUVU1U V XX All IV jrou would not eat so much preserves." Tommy?"What solemn warniug, tamma?" Matcrfamilias?"The dc.af!h~6f ^fumbo; fee died of too much jam, you know.*' ?Pittsburgh Chronicle. THE DETECTIVE AND 'TIIK SMALL-POX. : 7 Pinkerton (to one of his men)?Harris, here is a case in Montreal that I want worked up. Harris?All right, sir. Pinkerton?But there is small-pox there, and I am afraid that you will catch it. Harris (drawing himself up proudly) ' You forget sir, that I am a detective. ?Philo. Chronicle. 'X / *' GROUND FOR BREACH OK PROMISE. Attorney?Miss Somcage, you are the plaintiff in this suit for breach of promim, I believe? "Yes. sir." "Ar J Mr. Squint, here is the defendifcc mtr %. "Yes, sir." "Well, Miss Somcagc, you may tell the Court bow and when he promised to make you his wife." "It was on the 3d cf September last, eir. I went into his photograph gallery nd asked him if he would take me, I aid he said he would."?Chicago Neica. AN EXTRA QUARTER. A peddler of tinware in one of the mountain counties of this State called at a farm-house the other day, where the woman wanted to sell him a bearakin. "'Tain't worth no great ,shakes," a aaid the peddler, after looking it over. I'Tfee fo'ar was killed two months too f" ,* v early." "How much?" asked the woman. "About seventy-five cents." "See here, stranger,"'she continued, aa she gave the skin a rub, "when I tell you that this 'ere b'ar clawed my hus liand to death less'n two months ago, and that I'm still a gricvin' widder-woman, can't you make the price a dollar?" Being a man of sentiment and tinware ^ (combined, he said he could.? Witll \Street Newt. HOW THEY MADE IT OUT. p'-* . | "Who is that old duffer?" asked the # . ww groceryman, of the milkman, as a -flrelHlrcflscd maa went by. _ "Why, he's one of our most trusted citizens," was the eloquent reply. "flow do you make that out? He fckftuw been owing me a bill ever since I came here." "That's just how we make it out," laughed the milkman, gleefully, and tfcf groccryman scratched his head until he caught on. ?Merchant Traveler. 'k Y ' tr . ^ . * v T, "HULLSALE AND RETAIL." The West is nothing if not pushing. A. New Yorker who was passing through Nebraska last summer found a hamlet which boasted of only a single store, and above the door was the sign: "Hullsale and retail." "Do you do much wholesaling here?" asked the traveler. "Well, yes; but it's mostly confined to whisky." "Whatrs the difference in your prices?" "Oh, nothing to speak of. When they buy a gallon at liullsalc I throw in a cork to the jug. When they buy at retail I let the durned critters make one out of wircgrass themselves."?ir?i? Street A'cios. AN* "iNTEIUOR AND EXTERIOR." Scene.?New building in course of erection in view of government ofliccs. Government clerk (to fellow clerk) ?"Say, Fred, I've been watching that bricklayer for the last t .ventv minutes, and he hns not done a stroke of wore all that time! The country may well be going to the dogs!" Easy-goinsr bricklayer (to fellow artisan)?"Say, Bill, I've been watching that 'ere clerk for the last half hour, and, blow me! he's done nuthin' all the time! Taxes may well be high! Wonder what pay lie gets for that?"?Punch. TIIE APPRO AC II OK COLD WEATHER. Dumlcv (sliiveringly, to landlady)?I s-suppose it won't l)c v-vcry loug. now, M-mrs, Hendricks, b-before it will be n-necessary to have a f-fire in the f-furnaee? Landlady (fanning herself)?Yes, a few weeks more and I shall have to begin to think about laying in the winter's stock of coal.?JV. Sun. HIS BILL. Mr. Smith (to editor)?"My name is Smith. I just dropped in to pay you?" Editor (offering a chair)?"All right, sir." (To boy.) "James whistle down stairs for Mr. Smith's account." Mr. Smith (dropping intu a chair)? "Er?to pay you a little visit."?Harper a Bazar. ECCLESIASTICAL ITEM. Teacher?"What are the names of the seven days of the week?" Boy?''Monday, Tuesday,Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday." Teacher?"That's only 6ix days. You have missed one. "When does your mother go to cliurcV?" Hoy?"When pa buys her a new hat." ? Texas Siftinas. APPROACHING. The time is fast approaching when the visitor to the sauctum will step in smiling and confident, and just as lie is about to say? "Here is a little thing I have just dashed off," he will .bo paralyzed by a voice exclaiming in tones of thunder: "Go back and shut that door!"?Bos ion courier. dots and dashes. Complaint of the lack of small bills continues. If people want small bills they should settle up their accounts oftener. Ix some respects a man resembles a silver coin. He can do more good by being good than by appearing good when he is not good. Old Baldy?"I remember the first quarrel I had with my wife. It was twenty-five years ago. We tried to decide who was boss, and it ain't settled yet." Prussian soldiers have figured out that a prudent man can save enough from his pay, if he serves for 120 years, to enable him to live out the rest of his days in idleness. Akteh catching 1,124 rats in a certain hotel in Philadelphia the rat catcher threw up the job and advised the landlord to move out and give the rodents full swing. When a Nevada man wishes his friend "may live till every hair on top of his head is as long as a Mexican lasso," he lins said all that the most exacting friendship can demand. When a man dies of an unknown disease it is usually termed "Bright's disease." When the system is thoroughly out of gear and the muscles will not work smoothly "malaria" is tly; term. "I would not," says the Rev. Sam Jones, "wipe my feet on a professional base ball player." Why should Mr. Jones wipe his feet on a ball player when the umpire is there for that purpose? A California girl shoots wild geese and sends their feathers to market, and in this way she has laid by $800 to give the man who marries her. The men all seem to be waiting for her to make it $1,000. "Uncle James," said a city young lady, who was speuding a few days in the country, "is that chicken by the gate a Brahmin?" "No," replied Uncle James, "he's a Leghorn."- "Why, certainly, to be surel" said the young lady. "How stupid of me! I can see the horns on his ankles." Nelson and His Midshipmen. The following extract from a lettei written by Lady Hughes, who took t passage to the West Indies on board the "Boreas" frigate when commanded bj Lord Nelson, will show the mqnner it which the young men in that ship were trained and gradually imfred to hardi ness and enterprise by their parenta commander: "It may be reasonably supposed thai among the number of thirty there musi I have been timid spirits as well as bold The timid he never rebuked, but always wished to show tlicin he desired nothing that he would not instantly do himself And I have known him to say: 'Well, sir I am going a race to the masthead, anc beg I may meet you thoro.i No denia could be given to suph a request, anc the poor little fellow in*tantlj climbe< the shrouds. Captain Nelson never tool the least notice in what manner it wa done, but, when they met at the top snoke in most cheerful tones to the mia shipman, and observed, how mueh an; person was to be pitied who coul4 fane; there was any danper or even anythinj disagreeable in tho attempt.1' - ii-'U '. $ i ;r jwv ; .' v- ' v O DYEAK'S j| e Repository. ARGEST STOCK OF CARRIAGES. BUGGIES. tion Wagon* (nil sizes, 1 to 6 horse.) Single and Double of all kinds, Wagon Material. &o.. &o. For the nexl A A . ' . - GO ! Carriag CAN BE FOUND THE L Phrotnns Roao Carts*, I'lantH' Harder* Sndilles. Kelt in?, lonthor thirty day* I will OFF ICR SPECIE OIES nt. Icbr tlnn Manufacturers' cm mnkcc which I will "iiurantc vincc yoursolves that thoy nre abs< ^V- R (Successor to R. II. M sai.i'is lu'dms. j ttfl 7 '-I Hroad Street. A 11 It oct.S-Cin. I DAY & Arc Now Rec GARRIAI FOR TE AT I'liiCES And Never Before At W* arc* enabled to give our c at the closet possib CHILDREN'S CAI The finest assortment of HA1 TRUNKS, WHIPS and UMBR THE WILSON, CHILD'S & TENNESSEE WAGONS, 1. DAY & TANNAIIILLL'S O * EXPRESS AND DELIVER! AXLES, SPRINGS, HUBS. 5 HOYT'S LEATHER BELT! LACING. RIVETS, Etc. 0 CALF and LINING SKINS, HARNESS and SADDLES. HARNESS DEPARTMENT, I DA 43 WHITI Would call the attention < Is unusually large and attractive, have ever offereu. They liuvj als< so-itnient of Black and Colored V a nice line of Wool .Laces in all c< Their stock of BLACK CAS unusual care in the selection of t to color, quality and price. A goo It would astonish any one to e this season. Buyers in this line w WHITE CARPETS are so'very cheap CARPETS and RUGS can be fou The above are only a few line The General Stock of Fall an WHITE Is the largest, be-.t assorted, and i plete in all departments. The Human JOSEF Superior to any other in use, none of nature in the peculiar form of to the organs of sight, aud perfeo to the human vision ever invented j. mm And is traveling at this time throi known his Theory and Practioe, a his Speotaoles have been t.ied the testimonials will certify; the ori( his rooms. He at the same tim eling quacks who merely sells yon mnv nnvitr haa Rt/ftin. He has ?Stt in case you should happen to lose at a small nominal sum, as it is t bles him to know just the glass y from such men as Judge Tottl others. CLOTHING! I|aw ' ivmiei / ' 'I.';' ' - J. f'r*A fV.: V'.v |w2m * VTi BARGAINS IN A LOT OF Oi'EN AND TOP BOO Pricos. These Baggies are nil Fine Northern and EasttB equal to the best. Call and examine them and conolato bargains, m . GOODYEAR, Agant. ay & Co.,) OPP. GEORGIA RAILROAD BANK. j OSTi. GEORGIA. I I TANNAHILL, seiving a Fine Assortment of GES AND BUGGIES [E SPRING- TRADE, TO SUIT THE TIMES! I tainecLin the History of the Business I ustomers every advantage by purchasing our goods lc cash prices. Call and be convinced. IMAGES IN GREAT VARIETY. | TOBAGS and SATCHELS ever brought to the city. ELLAS. CO.'S PHI LA. WAGONS, all sizes. 2 and 4 .Horse. NE AND TWO HOUSE WAGONS. -i f WAGONS. J sPOKES, &c. RUBBER BELTING and PACKING. NG. The best in the world. >AK and HEMLOCK SOLE LEATHER. LASTS, THREAD, CEMENT, Etc. WE CALL PARTICULAR ATTENTION TO OUR N WHICH WE EXCEL IN QUALITY and PRICE. Y & TANNAHILL, 4 Augusta, Gra. 3 BROTHERS of buyers to a Few Specialties: Their stock of They have the cheapest line of BLACK SILKS thoy > some handsome Colored Silks. They have a good as- i E.-.VETEENS lor Dresses and Trimmings. They have 1 [>lors. the latest thing foe line Dress Trimmings. 1HMERE cannot be surpassed. They have bestowed hese goods, and are assured they are all right in regard dline of JERSEY JACKETS, cheaper thau eyer before, lee how very cheap FLANNELS and BLANKETS are rould do well to examine the stock of I BROTHERS as to be in the reach of all. A good assortment of ^ nd at the store of WHITE BROTHERS. s in which Special Bargains can be had. ] d Winter Goods now dffered to the public by BROTHERS, t nore attractive than they have evfer carried. It is com- - sep.30, i?: 5-2ta. J .Eye and Spectacles. >H SILVER,, riTIAN. itructed in accordance with the Bcienco and philosophy a CiONCAVE-CONVEX ELIPSE3. admirably adapted tly natural to the eye, affording the best artificial help " '* I HAS ETABL1SHED A x CTACLE AN0 EYE GLASS EMPORIUM . IN THE CITY OF AUGUSTA. ighout the State of Georgia for the purpose of making nd at the same time introducing these Lenses. Wherever p >y are spoken of in the highest terms, as the following * jinal and many others can be seen and examined at e wishes to be understood that he is not one of the travi a pair of glasses at exorbitant prices and whom you ** ibhshed in Augusta, at present, 548 Broad Street, where at hrHRk VOTir fflARAPfl. hA will rAnlnpA anmo fnr vnn T lis custom to keep a kegister of ail he sells, thereby enaou have purchased from him. These testimonials are 0, Governor Colquit, General Gordon and a host of sept..\0,ltt85. CLOTHING! CLOTHING! j[ ^.OOK at the old gent above in a ?"* bad fix isn't he with his pants all ooggy and no fit? My friends do you wish to avoid getting into just / such a scrape? Then when you " make up your mind to buy a suit of . clothes come right along to our k store and have your measure taken and have your clothes made to or- 0 der by the very best 5( TAILORS IN THE COUNTRY. 11 and then if they are baggy and j don't fit^ just say to us "send these clothes right back, I don't want them and wont have them." More f\ over, wo would not let you keep y\ them ourselves if thoy did not fit you. Wc Are not working for a fall trade, Ijut a trade we can by giving _ entire satisfaction hold in the fu- ^ ture. Remember our motto is "do fit UOJ>*J. v We are yours truly, | r Brotliers. Palmetto THOS. McCETTIC the largest SALOON in llio lip-country, don't vertiseinents. The hnlf is not mentioned in opared for fall trade. The Palmetto Houso is w roreign and Domestic 1 lin hncf fKn mni*lrnf TTa Una T. Rye and Corn, Irish am .pple, Peach, California and French Porl He can cheerfully recommend his poods to ixed drinks with nil the DELICIOUS 1*EVERA.< ERATE DRINKS. His specialty is a large Htoc GENTLEMEN'S RESORT. N( and you will not forget again. i Grood Line of Tobacco ai Beer a Spc CUNNINGHAM & 1IAVE lis S' Their Lane anil fell S FALL AND WIN Consisting in 3? :oreien and Dome; V BTOTJE4 HATS, HATS, EE_A_r J3001 HARDWARE, HARDW Grroceries, Groceries, < Crockery, Oi At Lower Prices than they were Ever OfTe PAViLIOS^ HOTEL. CIIIvLESTON. S. ] S First Class ki all its Apoointments. ] RATES, S2.00, $2.50. Excellent Cuisono, larjje airy rooms, Otis ' L'asaen^er Elevator. Electric boll and lights, lea ted rotunda centrally located. Oct. T, 'e4-tf 21 0ENTRAL HOTEL, 1 Itrs. M.W. THOBIA.S, Proprietress Broad Street, Augusta, Ga. 49 . gXCIIANGE HOTEL, Greenville, S. C. rhe Only Two-Class Hotel in the World. W. R. "WHITE, PnorniETOit, 4 yj"EW DINNER HOUSE, Giieenwood, S. C. ' I Kept by Mrs. F. Q. PARKS. Cheap rates. , 'irst-olass fare. * Jane 15th. 1882-tf. Ill . P. TII0M80N. J. W. THOMSON. So PHOMSON & THOMSON, Attonieys-at-Law, ill AURKYILLK, S. C. gTOfflce in rear Mr. Lee's. A. Jane 8th, JtS5-tf. 100 -n CALHOUN & A BUY, J Attorneys and Counsellors at Lav, AUDEVII/LK C. II., S. C. pc ificc formerly occupied l>y Judge Thom)U. tf-50 1 ? H. OUT. It, HEMPHILL. WM. P. CALHOUN. TEMPIIILL & CALIIOUN, .JL Attorney s-at- Law, AiniEVILLE, S. C. ~ rill practicc in the Courts of the Stat#. A 54 S2 W. PEHllIN T. P. COTIIBA*. 3EBRIN & COTHUA.H, ^ Attorney s-at-Law, * ABBKVILLB, 8. C. $, SALOON! AN, Proprietor intend to duiifl his r.iist/fmnrs bv fnlsH. the throe Abbeville pnpdtd. Heis welf> t?i 1 stocked with everything in the lina of' Wines and Liquors,; iquors nine years old. Good old I Scotch Whiskies, Brandies, ;er, Ale and Fresh Lager Beer. the pnblic for MEDICINAL USE, nnd' ll-ESof the season. Also COOL, TEM-' :k of PURE GOODS. Call at the 1.4 WASHINGTON ST, THOMAS McGETTIGAN. id Cigars. Budweiser >cialty. 47 TEMPLETON toue?? lelectefl Stock of ITER BOODS, art ot . >tic Dry Goods, , O BT S9 \ rs, I 78 JLlSTD SHOES / ARF, HARDWARE, \j Groceries, rockery, Crockery. I red Before. l-tf-22 I ENDORSED BY *?1$ BETTEli tM 1 SCIENTISTS AS ^H^CHEAPER THA, I PRACTICALLY IIKB A1J7 1 Over 500 lEgjwiflBlil Send fo? Beautiful ijSifff Price List Designs. ?^^L!|| hBh Circulars MANUPACniRED BY J monumental bronze company, V kridgepoiit. con ix. 1 1835 i ? ?AT THE ientennial Saloon Cor this year will be found Absolutely Pure Spirit3> irth Cnrolinn copper distilled Corn, Finest f brandrt of Kentucky Rye, from $2 to 86 Per Gallon. iportci Cognac Braafiy a Specialty. ALSO ti les, Porter, Champagnes, &c. fact all the popalar and standard goods that can bo obtained. Together with an aHsortment of Tobaccos and Fine Cigars that can not be excelled in quality. >ra ms needing such goods would not be humbugged by buying from thera. rhtf place is second door from Court OJSO. O'DQNNELL & CUNNINGHAM Proprietors, ' ABBEVILLE, S. jan 14-tf 2 $ LSAj tho new shades in Hnts ana Bonnets with Ribbons, Birds, Flowers, tiatins id Velvets to match. It. Id. HADDON <fc CO. ?UGENE B. GARY, II ttorney and Counsellor-at-Law, ABBEY iiiLtc, B. 0# . <Vc-J -, ( 'V *' ' ?;>> <f J". ?..