The Camden chronicle. (Camden, S.C.) 1888-1981, April 18, 1913, Image 3
ra
They Knew AH About It,
"You must have lived in a little
gootch town," remarked a busy Lon
don woman, "to appreciate the pin
points of interest to which a village
be reduced and the absolute pub
licity of your every movement in suoh
? place."
"Once while I wan visiting at home
|i happened to be lying down when
oilers came, so ray mother did not
<|sturb me. At tea time other callers
arrived, and by way of making con
venation one of them said to me very
iweetly:
" 'We hear you've been lying
down.' "?Harper's Basar.
Willing to Walt.
A Baltimore clubman tells of two
oonvlcts who met for a moment alone
la a corridor. And took advantage of
the fact for a hurried interview. Said
one, "How long are you in for?"
"For life," responded the other.
"And how long are you In for?"
"Twelve years," responded the oth
er. ? . ? ? . ; * ' ? ? ???-?? .?'>
"Then," said the "lifer/' cautiously
extracting a letter from its hiding
place, as ho glanced fearfully around,
"take this and mall it for me when
you get out."
Expensive.
"How often is your motor over
hauled, Dinks?" asked Dusenberry.
"Four times last month," said Blnks.
"Four times in one month T Geeru
salem! What for?" demanded Dusen<
berry.
"Speeding," said Blnks. "Twice by
the bioycle cops, once by a deputy
eheriff and once by a plain, common,
garden, village constable." ? Judge.
DY8PEPTIC.
Clubbman ? I see you've been wear
lag plaid vests lately. ??.
Grypes ? Yes, the. doctor say* 1
muBt put a check on my stomach.
How Many.
How many men in lifo we meet,
Forsooth, day after day.
Who every time they talk coirtiive
To give themselves away.
The Wherefore.
"Why do you call yourself a ten
torial artist?"
"It's this way," explained the bar*
3lSi
And then he went on to illustrate
with a few cuts.
Another Reformer.
Her Legal Adviser ? Madam, yen
have had three husbands, and every
?m of them either went crazy o^
?arned out to be worthless. Yet you
we thinking of marrying again!
Fair Client? Yea, sir; I want a safe
tad sane fourth.
Effacement.
"Did you go away on a vacation to
farget your troubles V*
"Yes," replied the man who does
not care for outdoor life. "There Is
nothing that makes you forget old
troubles like going out and picking
* lot of new ones."
Philosophic Resignation.
"Does it take two of you to inter*
tfew me?" asked Senator Sorghum. .
"No," replied the patient scribe; *1
brought my friend along so that you
?uld giro hlyi first chance at the de
nial in case your constituents don't
fedorse what you say."
Its Naturs.
"1 heard that the men striking for
**>re money, made a descent on ike
oftce."
'"TbQy merely wemi to preseftt
grievances in a procession."
> "Well, didn't I say it Was a par
laidr'
Was a pawn TToket
a r?wn I I OK0t
"1 can't fill this," said the druggist.
''Don't you carry ordinary lngredi
?ats in stockf* . ,
carry everything usually carried
a first-class pharmacy, but this
Iteee of paper calls for a gold watch.
GILFADDEN'S GOLDFISH
By AMELIA COWAN.
Cillfaddcn* wu? hatfti'itltig down the
street toward tho dock where he was
to take hi? boat to Croats the lake when
he caught' the glint of red gold In a
shop window.
"Kay!" he muttered to hlmBelf r a ha
paused and watched a number of gold'
flnli darting to and fro In tho clear wa
ter. "That's Ju.it tin thing for the
porch at the cottage! Nice aquavlum
among the fern boxes ? why didn't I
think of It before?"
<1 11 fadden tramped into tho store
and when he emerged ho was tenderly
encircling with one arm a globular
parcel. It was a large giant* kIoI?- con
taining eight goldfish. Tho young per
son w^o had waited on him had large
and melting eyes and her gaze had so
bewildered Qllfaddou that he accepted
what she gare him with no question.
She had murmured something about
our best people never carrying a bowl
of goldfish with a wooden handle, so
he had meekly taken his slippery bur
den under his arm.
Everybody bumped into that extend
ed elbow and whenever there came a
bump there was a splash and some
of the water in the bowl Jumped out.
The young person had explained that
tho top of the bowl must remain un
covered to give the flsh air. When
Gllfadden reached the dock so muth
water had splashed out that he hast- I
ened to the water oooler to replenish
the supply.
"Hey!" called an elderly man with
whiskers. "You'll kill 'em! Don't you
know that's Ice water, an' ice water
Isn't what goldfish llkeT Dip it up
from the river!"
!/With the assistance of tho elderly
philanthropist with whiskers, Gllfad
den tied a string to a tin can and low- I
ered It Into the river. His hat blew I
off while he was doing this and he
paid a boy a quarter to fish It out
with a pole. Grimly he watered the
goldfish and again boarded the boat. I
The attendant at the foot of the J
stairs leading to the upper deck gazed
j suspiciously at Gllfadden's parcel. I
"Anything alive?" he demanded. J
"Can't take It to the stateroom!"
"No." fibbed Gllfadden. "Just a glass
aquarium I'm carrying over." To ease
his conscience he told himself that I
flsh die unexpectedly sometimes and
for all ho knew his might be dead as
door nails by this time. > |
! Reaching his stateroom, Gllfadden
set down the bowl carefully and then, I
removing his bat, ho mopped his brow 1
and said "Whew!" Ho had not
imagined that carrying a bowl full
of water would have been such a I
strain on his muscles. Then ho went I
out on dcck.
When ho came in ho waB greeted
1 by a large and angry man who had
the upper berth.
I "Wha'd yuh mean," began tho large 1
man fiercely as he stuck his head over J
the edge of his bed, ?'by endangering a I
[ respectable man's life with wild anl- I
1 mals? I stepped Into that confounded
bowl and might have cut myself and I
bled to death ? M J
1 "Did you kUl my flsh?" roared Gil
{ fadden, rushing to ftls pets. J
"I hope so!" snapped the large man. J
i "Nice thing to step on with your bare 1
foot? a eold, squirmy flsh! I could J
| have tho law on you ? "'
I "You've Killed one!" cried Gllfad
, den, holding the corpse up by tho. tall.
"A perfectly good, innocent little gold- I
' flsh! They're. Imported, I'd have you J
know, and ^that flsh'll cost you 50
cents! What right have you to inter
fere with my luggage? It's a peni
tentiary offense ? " I
"Aw, go soak your -head!" growled |
tho fat man. "And you whlBtle lor
that 50 cents, will you?"
He crawled under his covers and
low rumblings of wrath continued to I
emerge. The boat was beginning to
roll unevenly and Gllfadden pre- I
pared for bed, with one eye on the
goldfish bowl. K got rougher and at
each pitch water splashed out from,
the bowl. Sitting on the edge of
his berth, Gllfadden took the bowl In
hla arms and cuddled it. By easing I
the roll he managed to keep moat of |
tho water inside the bowl. Onoe in J
a while there would ho a particularly
vicious roll and he would receive a
splash of the liquid against his chest
When this happened -and- he said |
"Ouch*" tho large man protested and
threatened to call the steward and
have Ofltedfen put out.sa crasy.
Afc that wretehed, night Gllfadden
oto?*} *Ve hSETSf tfoMfish to his
b<33m exe?f>t "when he periodically
refilled U, Whan dawn came and he
gazed at his swimming hod, Gllfadden
decided /that he might Just as well
have Hnrned the goldfish out on the
blankets and 1st them paddle happlr
around while he took n nap.
Red eyed, disheveled and miserable*
Gllfadden disembarked and headed for
his hmeh. He slung in his suitcases
and as he balanced himself and step
ped In the Involuntary contraction of
his arm smashed the goldfish globe,
already cracked from the adventure
with the large man's feet Gllfadden
stamped down upon n seat and began
tearing off the paper wrappings like
mad. The water triokled all over
his neat gray trousers.
''Save feml" he tiegged. weakly, of
tho stsrtng Tfrnr**?*" soma war
terV* On the opened pnper wrappings
seven goldfish half-heartedly
and expired. ?
- "Oea?" said the launch man, still I
staring. "Is that some new kind of
baltf - ?
CHUfcdden was too angry to reply.
Lews is a cannibal that feeds on its
own kind.
Thr
vl* ?r? a
ft mcji:
w<u?i4u
1 rutlc tho
% vmury's
dciiitoii r *? -jjtj ;ijf to
Htagl^h liiwo't m:;?. iUif proved, not
by ?i(, hui by Mu fu<*t. 'hut
landlord* of u ? tm t?t houses could
cut their reuiil In two, keep their
houses in gopd repair and cleen, and
make > per ceal. oil their investments,
Kuskin. who put up a eofllldorttbll
sum for her ? x|h i iment to IH64. re
ported in 1877 that he hati had it all
bank in tntereM. Those who followed
lier work imomi oloeely seem to agree
that her special effioacy in the getting
oi resultu lay in a combination of
salutary strictness, which held the
tununt to the mark, and a profound
humanitarianiam that waa not for *
minute obscured by thla strictness.
Take an old suitcase, one that show*
unmistakable signs of hard usage, and
paatu foreign hotel labels all over 1L
liub some dirt on the labels aud make
a few scratches as If you had tried
to remove thein. Be careful, however,
that you do not render the lnt>ela Il
legible. Go to a public library and,
with the aid of guide books, write out
atorleB of your experiences at the va
rious places indicated by the labels.
Commit these stories U? memory and
uso them whenever an opportunity
arises. Needless to say, you can ere*
ate opportunitiea by carrying the suit
case with you wherever you go; Peo?
pie may not believe all your storlee,
but they will believe enough of them
to give you quite a reputation as a
traveler.
Caught Seagull on Salmon Rod.
I have sometimes road accounts of
birds taking the fly of a fisherman,
but I do not remember having heard
before of any one catohing a seagull
when salmon fishing. This happened
here at Dunkeld today, and the lady
who was fishing not only hooked the
seagull, but after playing It for a
quarter of an hour, landed It. The
lady was harling for salmon in the
Tay, just below Dunkeld bridge, spin
ning with a minnow from a boat,
tfrhen the seagull swooped under the
water and flew off with the minnow.
The gull made very good play, and
it was only owing to skilful handling
that It was eventually "netted." It
was of course taken off the hook and
flew away none the worse. ? The
Field. .
A Qlobetrottar.
New Ceylon Stamps.
The Ceylon Times gives the follow
ing definite information regarding the
forthcoming issue, of King George
stamps. "Commencing from about Oc
tober next the treasurer will issue one
kind of -stamp only for postal;- judicial
and revenue purposes. This Is a con
cession to the public, so that ordinary
postage stamps may be equally used
for judicial and revenue purposes. The
new stamps will bear the' bead* of King
George V., and as at present the differ
ent denominations will be in different
colors. The word "Ceylon"will be at the
top, thfTyprds "Postage" and "Reven
ue" at tii <r left and right of the portrait
and the value In the space at the bot
tom. There will be seventeen denom>
inations, ranging from 2c to 500r." .
Monkey Enjoyed Brief Liberty.
A monkey which escaped from a
shop In Argyle street, Glasgow, Scot'
land, the other day, bolted into a fruit
and confection shop, where it Jumped
about and evaded capture by getting
on to a high shelf, from which vantage
point it absolutely refused to be
tempted with monkey nuts and other
eatables. Prom this shelf it jumped
on to the fanlight above the door, and
in this way took Us departure. It then
climbed into an adjoining akiasage
manufacturer's, and got behind the
counter, where 14 apset many articles.
A considerable time elapsed before it
was captured.
Qtart RsttlssrtaM flMloli.
Willi' 'enormous profits am an fa*
centive, Colonel r. W. Brown and
George S. Ziller of Berkeley Springs,
W. Va., have formed a stock oompany
to engage in "rattlesnake culture." Ac
cording to OtAonel Brown, the da
mend for rattlesnake skims is greater
than the supply. When tanned the
skin of the rattlesnake makes a su
perior grade of leather tor purses*
belts, women's footwear and toilet ac
cessories. An Immense tract in the
mountains where the snakes thrive
lis been bought by Colonel Brown.?
New York Herald.
r~r&"~:rr - ^ ?
George Ade Hears s Fable.
The first time the Washington base
ball team played Chicago this season,
George Ade, famous for his fables in
slang, met a friend in the street, wka
said: "Come on, George, and see this
Washington team. It's a peach. It's
a hummer. It's performance against
Chicago will be as finished as the
work of Jack Frost tea Georgia
peaeh Orchard.** "That," said Ade.
without cracking a smile, "sounds to
me distinctly like a fable in slangs
Popular Magazine.
Wen-Behaved.
Lulu was watching ber mother
working among the fioweis. Itoin
ma, I- know why .flowers grow," she
said; "they want to fcfct oat of the
dirt/*-^Mp|>tnoott*. V
Undo Pinsywdee Says. -
Brer notice the power of the win?
A late New York magnate left one
which requires that all his children
behave themselves for seven years or
they wont got a cent.
THINGS ONE CANT LOSE
By GENE DUEY.
"lloh! Htm a minute, while I fas
ten" your ccllar pin, Gert,"- commanded
the girl with the snappy black ey?>n.
"You'll i>?> io|tng that wonderful good
as gold i'iti Htm*' day If you don't koup
It fastened."
"Thnt'H Just what I'd Hl<<< ?<> an
nounced th* girl with the pin ?n<l the
Imitation Jrlsh lace waist, "Honest
to goodness, Carrie, I've l)ad that pin
three years, and I simply can't lose
it! 1 lost a solid gold. 18 carat pin
one d?y, and I stopped in at a ten,
cent fctore and bought thia one to
use temporarily, and I've used it ever
since. My r<*a| gold pin I had throo
iays when I lost it, but this little old
cheap ono sticks to me like a mort
gage "ii a farm. *
"That's always tho way with any*
tiling you want to get rid of. You
simply can't lone .it. A friend of my
mother's gave her a vase for Christ
maw oitc year; got it as a premium
with Home laundry soap, I guenH. It
was tho awfullest looking thing you
ev?r Raw, with big, red roses stand
ing out on it like doorknobs. Ma
said nfie would be so thankful if some
body would accidentally tip that thing
Off tho mantol and break It.
"Well, I pulled It off the mantel
once when I was dusting, and It rolled
across the carpet and turned Its awful
red roses up at me without even a
chip in it. And ma has another lit
tle ornament that she just sets her
heart on. It's clolsonay, I believe1
they call it. Ono day I was just
pasH ng the piano and jarred it a lit
tle, when down Jt went on the piano
bench and chippe^ a big piece out of
It, and put a dint in the piano bench
as big as your liat!"
"It surely is funny the way things
stick to you when you don't want
them? that's a fact," agreed the young
woman with tho snappy black eyes.
"I waB going down tho street one
"wet day and I had on a pair of rub
bers that were just about worn out.
One fit them kept slipping off at tho
heel, until It nearly drove me crazy,
so I decided to kick it off and let it
go. I. gave my foot a flirt and ''oft
came the rubber, and I trotted along
peacefully In the rain,
"About half a block down tho street
somebody touched me on the &m, and
I turned around and thero was a
"Beg Pardon," He Says.
good looking young man holding oat
my old battered rubber. *Beg patdon,'
he says, 'but I saw you lose this. May
I pnt .it on for., yon?' ? J ? ?
"Wh$t could I do but stick out my
foot and let that nice young man put j
on my old mangled rubber? But I was
bo^ mad at him that I wanted to tell
him not to meddle with*? my affairs."
"If It had been a new rubber there
wouldn't have been a soul In sight
to see you lose it or to play the fairy
prince to your Cinderella," remarked
the girl with the imitation Irish lace
waist.
"You know Mrs. Brown, who runs
the boarding house where I lire. She
fixes up lunches for me 'to bring to
the office. Of course, I pay extra for
them, but I get kind of tired of them
sojnetimes. One day last week she
tied up a lunch in a newspaper for
me, and I didn't put the string around
it very tight, and before I got over to
the station the string was off and I
bad visions of myself strewing pifekles
and doughnuts all over the train, and
I thought I would just ditch the whole
package in the station and buy a lunch
downtown*
"Well, when I went to get on the
train I had left the package on the
scat in the b .ation and made a dash
for the car steps. Just as I was
comfortably seated an old lady dash
ed hito the coach and squeezed past
the crowd until she got to where I
was sitting. What did she have in
her hands but my lunch, bursting out
on all sides of the newspaper!
"Of course, I had to thank her. I
didn't dare to leave that paokage in
the train for fear somebody else would
follow mo over to the office and pre
Tfeni it to me again. soT had ^o carry
the feed over to the office as tender
ly as if I loved it. So I had to eat
it at noon, after all. If that newspa
per had contained something really
valuable I'll bet neither wishes, plead*
tngs nor threats would have restored
it to my aching heart again."
"It surejy is the limit, Gert," de
clared the girl with the snappy blaefc
eyes.- ? Ch?cag> Daily News.
REAL ESTATE
SELL
_ S buy
DO YOU WANT TO J UOANqw
1 May Help YoU*
LAURENS T. NIIU-S,
CAMD?N,?.C.
ANG'S
PHONE 2
Wfien you think of Groceries,
think of Lang's.
Fresh this week: "Sunshine"
Biscuit, Saratoga Chips, Hams,
'
Breakfast Strips, Sliced Bacon.
IGH GRADE
GROCERY
HAVE YOU SEEN
THE NEW FORD?
? I I. I I I ? ? I | , ,1
^
. ..-.c- .'.C. ~.V, :r;
FORD CARS and a full line of FORD
PARTS always on hand
COME AND TAKE A LOOK
1 ?? 1 ! 1 . ? 111 1 JMIH in "'I
D C. S H A W
g - The FORD Man
SUMTER, S. C.
Opera House
? ? I 1.1 H ? I lit' "? ?
MOTION PICTURES
BY DOUGLAS & BROWN
PROGRAM:
FRIDAY NIGHT
REELS, 1 and 2.
"The Struggle"
A Famous Civil
War Picture
SAFDAY WIGHT
REELS 1 and 2.
"Saved * Air Ship"
Produced b y the Re
liable Co., and te
c*kl to be one
among uieir
beet.
ContjdGous Performance from 4 to I I p. m.
Adults 10 Cents Children 5 Cents