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THE FORT MILL TIMES Published Every Thursday. PORT MILL, SOUTH CAROLINA. Mexico's revolution seems to be a victim of the hookworm. Mme. Sembrich says that wlggls dances are terrible for young folks. Alfin fn t fnllra A Chicago girl almost wedded the wrong twin. These hasty marriages should be discouraged. A Chicago waiter died leaving $1,000,000. To paraphrase: "He gets his too. who stands and waits." New York man Bent a live lobster through the mall by parcel post. Must have done It in a pinch, though. Chicago chef found a $500 pearl in an oyster, says reports. Press dope to advertise the house, quite likely. The English language Is employed by 150.000,000 people. Of that number, a few speak It. The rest mangle It ?. ni auiuuui Ul Ul^UIllctI K?I II1C wno manufactured in this country last year, and some ol it was eaten by mistake for butter. New York moving pictures are being exhibited showing brain diseases. A brain storm must be equal to the real thing, British babies are now worth $7.50 a head, but you would scorn to trade your American baby for the whole British empire. California woman divorced her husband because he annoyed her by frequent praying. Too much of a good thing, no doubt. England's first dreadnaught which revolutionized the navies of the world. is only 6lx years old and yet It Is already outclassed Those New York waiters who struck before the diners had dined did not seem to care about the slip between the cup and the tip St. IxjuIs physicians are employing n tuning fork to cure a disordered throat. We know lots of singers we wish they'd practice on. Man Is at his best at 40. according to a symposium of IJerlln scientists. There Is hope for the woman. If she only boosts that 30 mark now. There will soon be a million automobiles In this country This will provide one for every 96 Inhabitants, which still crowds the joyriders A woman Injured In getting off a train has lost the power of speech. However, her lawyer will probably do oil (Ka #n1lr(n?T V* (u ?? U>| \11U luiniu^ lUUl in iicvcnoai /. It 1b Bald that the railroad tics of the future will be of cement, which will come nearer suggesting the sldowalks of Broadway than the wooden ones. Some one might make a hit and a great deal of money by training lobsters for the New York market to crawl to the table under their own power. Dr. Vaughn of the University of Michigan declaims against the "clinging vine" girl sb a wife, but does not specifically suggest uny twining substitute. A French phyBiclan hh>b that walking on all fours will cure Indigestion Here's another excuse for the man who has to adopt this mode of locomotion when he reaches home at 3 a. m. An advertisement recently appeared In a German paper offering a reward for a watch lost from an aeroplane. Just suppose It had been a monkey wrench! A steerage passenger with $50,000 In his pocket has been admitted In New York If he la there yet It Isn't necessary to ask whether or not be still hns it. The pigeon, snys a Harvard profes sor. leads an Intellectual life Our ob nervation Is that the fnther pigeon's chief lnt?llectual diversion is grumb ling and swearing. After April 13 whistling nnd cane swinging will be barred on tho streets of Berlin, and not morn than three per sons can walk abreast on the sidewalks of that thoroughly governed city. A Kansas editor snys thnt when he was a young man about all the boys had to do to dress for a party was to pull their trousers out of their boots? but Kansas has greatly chunged since then A A n? * /iniuiu unys ic is no HlRn OI ability to accumulate a forl>m?. True the ability la displayed in keeping; It A Virginia editor recently died owing 9832.,831. And yet there la a standing Joke regarding the Impecun toslty of the profession. An Index system of tunes that wlB help popular song writers with defec tire memrrles Is announced as the lat est. Judging from popular tunes. w? always were of the oplplon that writ i?rs had wonderful memorizing ability '<) . ^1? FACING J_ CRISIS How Bank Was Saved in Face of Frantic Mob of Depositors. By GEORGE ELMER COBB. Randal Webster, the young and handsome president of the Bank of Greenville, opened the door of his private office. He glanced into the counting room, and beyond it at the jostling crowds in the street outside. Then with a groan he sank to a chair, the picture of despairing misery. "It has come," he told himself in a harsh, racking whisper?"the worst, the end!" There came a tap at the door. The | young financier sprang to his feet. A brief, vague hope gave him moinenI tary energy. Then his soul seemed to die within him, as his caBhier entered the room with a face blanched and fear-crossed as his own. "Any word?" projected Webster, hoarsely. "None. Mr. Webster, we must face the crisis, the worst of rumors as to the solvency of the Institution have got abroad. A mob of depositors from the mills is In front of the bank. They are wrought up and dangerous. They ' threaten to smash every window and blow up the bank with dynamite, if their money is not paid them promptly at ten o'clock." "Impossible!" gasped Webster. "No one knows that better than myself," responded the cashier in a hollow tone. "There is no promise whatever that your messenger to the city i will arrive before night. Then it 1b too late. The train is Just in, and neither man nor money has appeared." "How much is there In the bank in ready cash?" "Less than $10,000." ! "Pay It out to the last dollar as : slowly as you can. If we can tide i over for a few hours the expected help i may come." "And If It does not?and when the money gives out?" questioned the cashier, fearsomely. "Put up a sign and close the bank." Left to himself, the young banker i reviewed the situation. Energetic, im. _____ 9 J ^ ^ ^ With a Groan He Sank to a Chair. ! petuous, ambitious, he had gone beyond his depth in an Investment sure to turn out profitable in the end. A temporary complication, however, had tiod It up. He could not realize in ready cash under a week. A heavy draft came upon the Burplus funds, depleting the bank reserve to a danger, ously low figure. Somehow a public rumor of all this got out. The report was current that the bank was going to fail. Result: Tho frantic, desperate mob of frightened depositors now clamoring at the great locked doors. Webster had sent a trusted employe of the bank to a rich relative in the city. He carried an urgent appeal for succor. The messenger had not reported. A graver shade of feeling covered fhe features of the young financier as he thought of the one dearest to him In all the world?Ethel Morris. They were to have been wedded in a month, but If the bank broko?then Webster well knew her proud, exclusive fami lly would scarcely favor a discredited ' bankrupt. It was a forlorn fight for business preservation and love. Webster hurried Into the counting room as a great outcry arose. He hoped It was his messenger arrived; he feared It was new riot, it lacked Just five minutes of ten. A romarkuble scene greeted his sight. A whiskered, farmer-lookIng man was talking to the excited crowd. He was waving a great bundle of hank notos in one hand. There was a cheer. In his other hand the stranger carried an old battered satchel. With it he now pounded on the door. "Let me In. I must get in!" the astonished Webster heard him shout out, and then to the people: "Don't get scared. Randal Webster is an honeBt man. and the Rank of Greenville is solid as a rock!" , Something in the determined manner of the visitor caused the watchman to open the door for him. The stranger helped him recloso It against the eager, crushing crowd. "Where Is Mr. Webster?" he demnn/lA/1 " A V? Mmrn ho la " onrl ho III?UU?U< vuvio uu iO| u tin un approached the counter and nodded to the wondering banker. "Remember mo, Mr. Webster?** v I "Why, I can't say that I do," was the hesitating reply. "Never mind. I've changed. Had to, wanted to," rattled on the stranger. "See here," and he began to bring from his pockets bundle after bundle of bank notes. "There's $20,000. Use it" "nut, my dear sir?" began the bewildered cashier. "Use it, I said, didn't I?" Interrupted the stranger, unceremoniously. "But we have no right; the condition the bank is in?to receive deposits," stammered the cashier. ' "Call it a loan, then," said the stranger. "I know all about your worry here. It won't last Keep the crowd goodnatured. Pay them off smiling. I'll guarantee the run will soon stop." Than ha 11 a.1 *t.a ? - ?? *uwu uv II4VCU tuo oatvuci. AD It I opened, the startled cashier, used as ho was to the sight of money, uttered a great cry. Tho man piled up bundle after bundle of crisp green bank notes. "Shove them up against the glass where they will show," ordered the stranger. "Only, don't pay out any of this heap. You won't need to. That. ! pile, the real cash paid out right along, will soon tame that unruly mob." "Ten o'clock," announced the dumbfounded cashier. "Open up." The stranger drew to one side, as if enjoying the scene. The astounded Webster was soon too busy to notice him. The eager crowd filed in; everybody was paid promptly. The sight of tho great bundles of bills began to have an efTect. Some, shamed, redeposited their money. Others, I catching the infection of restored con- ) fldence, did not ask for their money at all. Within an hour the news went all over town that the bank was safe. I With a great sigh of relief Randal Webster beckoned tho strunger into his private room. "Now, then," he said, "what does this all mean?" The stranger laughed. Then he ; seized the banker's hand in a friendly grip. "You don't know me, eh?" he said. "Well, I'm bringing you bnck some of the bread you cast upon the waters five years ago." "I don't understand you," murmured the puzzled banker. "You was a lawyer then, and you defended in the city a member of a gang of counterfeiters. Now do you remember?" "Why, yes," answered Webster, 1 slowly. "My name was Dallas?not now; I I've changed It. You got me free, you j gave me a great lecture. It was my life chance, and I improved it. I went to my folks fifty miles from here. A relative left me a fortune. I have kept track of you. I heard of your trouble." "And you have saved the bank!" Af.U/1 w-v-4 viiqu ium h 1 u 11*1111 n fusier. "The gang believed a large amount of their counterfeits destroyed. I Baved the satchel containing them," went on the man. "I buried it. That show money I took from the satchel is counterfeit. The real money I drew from my bank early today to loan to you. We will burn the counterfeits, now they have served their purpose." An hour later tho bank messenger came rushing up in an automobile, with plenty of money to safely tide the bank over. Webster paid back his grateful friend in need. He did not tell even Ethel the story. Down deep in his heart, however, he fervently cherished the gratitude of tho reformed criminal who had saved the bank at a critica? juncture. (Copyright. 1913, by W. Q. Chapman.) WOMAN'S PLACE iN NATURE Man With the Grouch Draws His Conrliltinni F rAm nKc*rw?4l/vM Pet Pair of Geese. "I don't believe in 6uffragette8 nor in the so-called new woman," said the man witji the grouch. "They're against the law of nature! "I'll tell you why it isn't natural," he went on. "I've been observing lifo in the bnrynard, nnd I've learned by analogy the real place of woman in the economy of life. "My wife has started in to raise a couple of geese, and they are the most human things you ever Bet eyes on. She calls 'em Darby and Joan. "We have no goose pond, so we've sunk a tub in the backyard for the recreation of the two geese. "Well, Darby simply owns that tub! He waddles up to it very solemnly the first thing in the morning and takes an eyo-opener. "Joan comes waddling behind him, meek and wife-like, and tries to follow " her lord's example. He scolds her and drives her back. She obeys wiih becoming feminine gentleness. "Then, with the utmost care and deliberation. Darby proceeds to take his morning bnth nnd make himself beautiful. lie sputters in the tub, preens himself nnd has a beautiful time in his lordly, masculine way. "When he has entirely finished he cackles with glee, comes out of the annlfnn f nh nn/1 wnH/llod ??">"" on the new shoots of grass. "Now that he is through with the tub Joan may have her turn. She may have what is left, now that her lord and master is quite finished. "It's a lesson in wifely subjection to see Joan make her toilet and then wnddle around contentedly In the wake of her proud, domineering mate. "It goes to show what woman's place in the world really should be, according to the law of nature."?New York Telegram. New York Verdict. Thn Nnrth nnkntA man whn onnnt bin last dollar for a taxi to take hitr to the poorbouae is the champion game sport of the western world.? New York Press. " V ', TOU'RE A FAKIR," . CRIEDJJKEPTIC Then Unconscious Man Wakes and Puts Conscious One Out. WAS AN URGENT CASI Supposed "Tough Case" Leaps Out of Ambulance and Chases Traducei* Several Blocks, and With Jolt to Jaw Sends Fugitive to PavementNew York.?Everything would have gone along nicely and Michael Doyle, weighing 200 pounds, would not be resting easily in a white enameled i 1 i- - ut-tiBiruu in me iiariem hospital had ' it not been Tor a skeptical voice that cried out "fakir" when iDoyle was being tenderly lifted into an anibulunce at Third avenue and One Hundred and Twenty-seventh Htreet. The man behind this voice regretted it the next minute, for Doyle, despite his condi- | tion, took occasion to teach the man in County Cork fashion that it is al- i ways wise to hold your tongue How a man in a semi-conscious con- ' dltion can suddenly be revived when ; his Integrity is attacked Was told !r the Harlem court by many blushing witnesses who had a hand in the matter. When Policeman Hbnaventura 1 (this name always gets a laugh on roll j call the police say) was walking . through Third avenue near One Hun- 1 dred and Twenty-seventh street at noon he saw a crowd wearing anxious faces and bending over an unconscious form. The policeman edged through the throug, gave the man one professional look and called an ambulance. j "Pnni> rv- ? 1 - v.v? (vnwn, pain ur. iViciMiuay. j "This looks like a tough case. Offl- I cer, please telephone to the hospital that 1 have an urgent case, and will they please get ready to receive it?" Policeman Honaventura was off in a jiffy. Volunteers choking with eino- ! tlon assisted Dr. McKinlav and Po- . liceman Donnelly and Kearns to lift the unconscious form into the atnbu- j lance with all the care possible. Then the cry: "Aw, that guy's a fakir." In his subconscious mind Doyle heard this allegation. Like n man rising from the dead he leaped out of the ambulance. Dr. McKinlay. who sat on the end seat, was sent sprawl- | ing into the street. "Where's that fellow that says I'm j a fakir?" shouted Doyle, as he [ pranced through the group. The man i with a guilty conscience bolted and ran. Doyle pursued. Around his shoulders was the ambulance blanket, stretched out behind him like the mantle on the youth in the piciure. "The Storm." Then followed a "moving picaresque" race, with all hands joining in. and the ambulance with clanging M % I i * L , 33 A /( The Man Bolted and Ran. gong leading the van. In the second block Doyle overtook the fleeing man. With a straight left to the body and a jolt on the point of the jaw he sent the fugitive to the pavement. Then he sat on his victim. "What right has this fellow to Interfere with my bur'ness?" said Doyle, ' when placed under arrest. T be ambulance was used as a patrol wagon and Doyle wac locked up llefore Magistrate Krotel later Doyle said he was subject to fits, and did not know what was going on until I . he heard the man call him a fakir "I think $10 will Just about fit this fit," said the magistrate, and Doyle ! was led away He said he. was a but- j ler and lived at the New York hotel. In One Hundred and Twenty-ninth ' Btreet, when he was not "wearing his brass buttons." He would not say where he Is employed. Victim of Glanders. New Haven, Conn. Albert Nagel is 3ead here from glanders after a nine week's Illness. He contracted flip disease from a horse, the animal having ?neexed in his face. N:.gel was boru .n Germany. Coming to this country, he learned to talk English fluently. After he had been ill a short time, however, all power of expression or understanding in English left him ni. though he could still speak and unlerstand bis native tongue. \ r\ ? .? ? une ot tne ursat Myster WASHINGTON.?Can uny one tell William Jennings Bryan, "the great commoner," and declared by many to be slated for the post of secretary of state in VVoodrow Wilson's cabinet, why a red cow which eats green grass produces white milk? "There are mysteries in life, love and patriotism which we accept every day, but cannot explain." Mr. Ttryan recently declared. "If a man refused j to eat everything he could not under- j stand he would starve to death No one ye? has been able to explain how a red cow can eat green grass and give white milk." Mayhap the near future will solve the problem for Mr. Bryan when during the future consideration of international problems the secretary-to-be wanders to the windows of tlio office Uncle Samuel Is a Boosl IN an effort to revive Interest in the old-time agricultural fairs the department of agriculture the other day issued a bulletin treating of the benefits to be derived from such gatherings. The repoit is of historic interest, for it tells of the beginning of such "fairs" when the country was young and when they were not only an ad vantage to agriculture, but were the excuse for social gatherings as well. "Whnt was primarily a market fair," says the report, "was held in October. 1804, "on the Mall on the south side of the Tiber, extending from the bridge at (he Center Market to the Potomac in Washington, I?. S. The city government appropriated $50 toward the fund for premiums and residents subscribed an 6qual sum. This i amount was awarded to the best lamb. ! sheep, steer, milch cow. jack, oxen and horse actually sold.' " The report declares that the first real agricultural fair was held by the Columbian Agricultural Society in Georgetown. I). C.. in 1809. According to the newspapers of that day. "it was attended hv n rinmnrn..= assemblage of members of the society, among whom we notice*) the president and his lady, the secretary of state, the secretary of the treasury, the secretary of war. the comtroller, the registrar. etc.. and many other ladies and gentlemen of respectability." Dog Chews Up Suffrage CHEWING "Votes for Women" literature with reckless abandon. "Tige," a spotted bull terrier belonging to Mrs Payne, daughter-in-law of Representative Sereno Payne of New York, the other afternoon caused consternation and amusement at suffrage headquarters at 1420 F street northwest, and almost jeopardized the plans for the suffragist pageant and procession to he held March 2 in Pennsylvania avenue. "Tige" was tied to the leg of a table near which stood large heaps of pledges to march in the procession, which are being sent broadcast over the country, while near him sat Miss Elsie Hill, daughter of Representative Hill, of Connecticut; Mrs. Payne, the Hon. Mrs. Patricia Street of Australia and nearly a score of other suffragist leaders, all busily preparing for the Symbol of Authority Alw; ??UOTH the Democrats and RepubliD cans have been behaving well for many years. 'according to the appearance of that cudgel over on the speaker's rostrum," observed a Republican on the bouse floor the other day. "L5ut. by the big stick. 1 bet It won't look that way when the Democrats get j through with the special session away Into next summer. Next time it is repaired it will have to be taken to a blacksmith instead of a Jeweler." The "cudgel" referred to was the historic eagle capped mace, symbol of authority of the house of representatives. which, when the house is in session, reposes on a stahd at the right of the speaker's platform. When a member or members become , obstreperous ayd refuse to be in order 1 the sergeant-at-arms, accompanied on either side by pages, approaches and holds the mace In front of the member or members. If quiet is not restored ( (and is usually is) there Is an arrest or two made. i. * r 9 rOTRDEJ TSnTi^mD igs \&S J_LLX^ ies in Life Unexplained v of the secretary of Btate %nd debates the question pro and con; debates with himself while gazing over the , greensward toward where Pauline Wayne's successor will be chewing her cud or filling the space between her red sides with green grass preparatory to giving tfhito milk for the then President Wilson and his family. Pauline Wayne? Everybody knows Pauline. She Is President Taft's "ofTcial" cow, given to hiin by Senator Stephenson of Wisconsin. On March 5. with other greats and near-greats, she will go out of office. She has a family tree with many branches. Unlike Secretary of State Knox, however, her successor has definitely been chosen, and the next "leading cow of the land." equally as blueblooded and pedigreed, will be Nona of Avon, a registered animal valued at $f?.000. This is the cow the owner of which, William Galloway of Waterloo. Iowa, promised to Senator Cummins when he should become president. Senator Cummins not having had a look-in. Mr. Galloway decided to offer the cow to Mr. Wilson when he is inaugurated. ter of the Old-Tirr.e Fair r. JF? Secretary Wilson is a firm believer in the usefulness of local and state fairs in disseminating agricultural knowledge. The bulletin is said to h *ve been inspired by his belief that an interchange of ideas among thii farmers of the country would tend to the advancement of agriculture. With the present appropriation, it is possible to make un allotment to each senator, representative and delegate of approximately 12,500 copies, which is admittedly Insutllcient, In view of the increasing requests received by them. Under the law, only one-llfth of the farmers' bulletins printed are available for distribution by the department, und this is not sufficient to permit it to comply with half the requests it receives, and mtines ?i necessary constantly to refer applicants to their senators, representatives or delegates, who themselves in many instances are unable to supply the bulletins. Arguments at a Meeting procession on inauguration day. When Mrs. Payne caught night of Tigo, calmly sitting beneath the table with head in the midst of a pile of suffragist literature, chewing votes for women arguments as though he was a real anti-sufTraglst, she gave a little gasp, and with other women ran to the rescue of the arguments. Thereafter Tige was In disgrace, and Bhortly afterward was taken home by Ills mistress. Miss Flora Wilson, daughter of the secretary of agriculture, who Is chnlrinan of the music committee for the procession and pageant, announced that she had seen Mme. Nordica, the famous grand opera singer, who had consented to take the part of Columbia in the tableaux on the treasury department steps if she can arrange for her engagements She also announced that n number of leading members of the Metropolitan Opera company are arran trine to tnUn In the pageant. One of the moat comprehensive musical entertainments ever seen In Washington on any occasion Is being planned for the pageant by Miss Wilson, who is intent on demonstrating the powerful influence women have on music in, the United States. sys Under Strong Guard The mace is always under guard. When It was taken from the capitol # recenlly to a local Jewelry shop for repairs It was, according to an unwritten law. accompanied by two members of the capitol police, who stood by while the Jeweler riveted a pinion which holds the sextant in place. This was the first time In ten years that the mace had been removed from the capitol. The repairs at that time conslstcdtof the straightening out of one of the wings of the eugle that had bocome nicked. The mace was made In 1S41 by William Adams of New York. i *