Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

B5f CLINKSCALES & LANGSTON. ANDERSON, S. G. WEDNESDAY MOENING, JANUAEY 23, 1895. VOLUME XXIX.- -NO. 30. OVERCOATS! WE have juit finisuo taking Stock, and we find we have too many Overcoats on hand. If you intend buying one make a note of these prices ?10.00 OVERCOATS ai. $7.50 j 9.00 OVERCOATS at. 6.00 7.50 OVERCOATS at. . 5.00 5.00 OVERCOATS at.... 3.50 All New Goods and Long Cuts. B. O. EVANS & CO., Clothiers and Furnishers. GUNS, AMMUNITION, RIFLES, and REVOLVERS saceificed! OVERSTOCKED! MUST UNLOAD! NOW IS YOUR TIME. Seize the opportunity quick SULLIVAN HARDWARE CO. J* P. SULLIVAN * CO., -?Will sell you the ? Best Coffee, The Cheapest Flour, Crockery, Decorated and Plain, Dinner and Tea Sets, All for kss Money than yon have been paying. ? J- P. SULLIVAN & CO. WHEN YOU ARE IN NEED OF Plows, Plow Stocks. Plow Handles, Dixie Plows, Mule Shoes, Horse Shoes, Nails, Iron of any kind, Sole Leather, Harness Leather, Whang Leather, Leather Collars, Bridles, Collar Pads, Well Chains, Trace Chains, Plow Linea, Back Bands, Harnes, Ax*s, Axe Handles, Mattocks, Picks, Ditching Shovels, Spades, Well Buckets, Water Buckets, Wooden Churns, Barbed Wire, Smooth Wire, Wash Pots, Ovens, / Or anything in the HARDWARE line, be sure to get our prices before you buy. Our stock is always complete, and our prices always the lowest. Don't forget that our Genuine Boy Dixie Plow, with Patent Adjustable Slide, is the beat Plow sold, and our Galvanized Steel Back Band Buckle is fust the thing you want?will not slip or rust. Call and see them. Yours always truly, brock: bros, 43 Granite Row. SHAKEM UP AND IETO0 GROCERY! WE beg to announce to our many patrons in Anderson and throughout the County that we have moved our place of business to the elegant and commodious salesroom? IN HOTEL CHIQUOLA BLOCK, NO. 5, Formerly occupied by D. S. Maxwell & Son. We will be better prepared than ever to supply you with the BEST GROCERIES at the lowest price consistent with the quality of Goods given. We haven't disappointed you in the past, and hope to do even better for you in the future. No compromise nor winking at adulterated goods. Strictly pure food at popular prices. Come and see us. We are ready to make things lively. Shakera up and letgo, J. A. AUSTIN & CO. BLUB STONE! ASS ORR & SLOAN'S, BE*c??rsB SARGE PLUJJKETT. Ckiiitmai Is Over and tho Fanners Have Gone to Work for Another Tear. Atlanta Constitution. The fun and frolic and fuss and flurry of the Christmas holidays has about ceased and the people have gone to work for another crop. It does me good to see with what energy the young people have begun the new year. The pasture fences are being repaired, briars cut and rocks piled. This next week every plow will be running, gardens will be start? ed, manure hauled out and the rural districts of old Georgia will be the scene of blustering industry from now until planting time. Though two fresh graves are to be seen in our lit? tle settlement graveyard?one that of an aged lady, the other that of a small child who had just came among us, and the further misfortune of one lit? tle boy getting his arm shattered in a rabbit hunt?despite of this, the holi? days have been mixed with considera? ble merriment and the usual romping. Three couples have married?one a runaway match. The venerable old Hardshell, Elijah "Webb, united the "runaways" and after the ceremoDy turned the "big room" of his house over to the young folks, to the number of thirty, and the night was spent in the innocent plays of Christmastide? such plays as receive the sanction of the good old preachers and as cheer the hearts of all and leaves no sting for the morrow. Of course we old folks cannot join in plays and sports as we used to join, and I suppose that is why we are most I in general striving by comparison to make the old times the best times. In this connection we have had re? vived an incident of a Christmas iu the forties, which will vie in rudeness with anything of the present age. About the year 1846 or 1847, on Christmas, there was a runaway match planned to take place between here and the Stone mountain. The day of Christmas was Bpent at the moun? tain by the young men who partici? pated in this cruelty. All day long this rowdy crowd had engaged in the sports common at such places in that day and time. "Gander pulling," shooting at turkeys?sometimes shoot? ing for beef, was common sport on such an occasion, and, of course, there was no contact with females to lesson the participation in the strong drinks of the times. By the time for our crowd to start home, among whom was a wild brother of the bride to be, they were all pretty well filled with whis? key and had plenty more along in bot? tles as a reserve. We must leave this rowdy crowd along the road to their homes, singing, shooting and howling in a manner fully up to anything modern, in order to introduce the bridegroom that was to be, and who was the sufferer before the night was through. This young man?this bridegroom to be?was what was called in those days a "Sunday school scholar." That moans that he had always been a moral boy and had ever refused to join in any sports with an immoral taint. This should have recommended him, it seems, as a suitable son-in-law, but it did not. There had been a sort of a feud between the older set of the families, and. thus the trouble. But upon this Christmas night these young people were to steal away and get married. The young man was on his way and the young lady was al? ready waiting for the signal which would be BOo:a given and away they would fly to isome good old preacher and be made one forever. The signal was given and the young people did fly, but they were not fleet enough to escape this set of rowdies, who made their appearance just as the old peo? ple discovered that their daughter was gone. The brother, wild and impetu? ous always, was now made doubly so by his drunken associates and the effects of his own dissipation. As wild as Comanche Indians the pursuit began. The fleeing couple soon heard the pursuers and strained every nerve to escape. In vain the youDg girl plead with her lover to leave her alone and save himself. This he rightly re? fused to do and faced his pursuers standing beside the girl he had chosen for wife. It was short work for the brother to part the lovers. In a few minutes she was on the road back to the home she was striving to leave, while the groom to be was waiting for tie unreasonable rowdies to decide what they were to do with him. At last the verdict came?he was to be thrown from the top of Stone moun? tain. After this decision was reached the crowd took drinks from their bot? tles and the march was taken up for the mountain. Arriving upon the top of the mountain, a counsel was held by the rowdies and more drinks were passed around. After drinking sev? eral times they were nerved for their cruel work, and they had the young prisoner upon the very brink of the precipice, with his hands tied fast be? hind him. A slight push would have sent him hurling downward for 2,500 feet, but the push was never given. For some reason a different plan was settled upon. Instead of shoving him off the precipice, it wa? decided to tie him to a rope and let him hang head downward between heaven and earth. By some means they secured ropes? only plow lines?and upon this bless? ed Christmas night he was swung over the precipice, let down some fifty feet and left to his fate. While all this was going on the young woman in the case had notbecn idle. She made her escape, and know? ing the character of the crowd that had her lover, she was frantic in her efforts.*! She soon had friends to go with her to the rescue. Her own father joined, being brought to his sense by what he feared for his son. They traced the rowdies to the moun? tain, a thing easy enough as they had made so much fuss on the way. The rescuing party went up one side of the mountain as the rowdies went down the other side, or else, perhaps, there would have been bloodshed. Anyhow no time was lost. The groans of the suffering man were soon heard and di? rected the rescuing party to his relief. Carefully they drew him up, every man in a tremble for fear the slender ropes would break. Safely hauled from over the terrible precipice, the young man fainted away, while the young woman fell across the prostrate form. Happily the young fellow was soon brought around all right. The father of the girl looked on till he saw every? thing restored. Then, turning away, he said: "Let the ceremony bo performed." And performed it was, there being a minister present. At the foot of the mountain the old father turned and offered his hand to the newly married pair, saying as he did so: " You are a great rascal, but you are my son-in-law; come home and be happy." Such a procedure as the above would be almost impossible in the same sec? tion at the present time. The cruel? ties of these days may be just as pain? ful, but they are more refined and must be made more secretly. This country all around Atlanta now is just suited for those able to revel in the luxury of a beautiful suburban home. In the summer the breeze is cooling, the woods and flowers and green swards inspiring, while the quiet from the oity's rumble is shooting to the busi? ness and professional man and a de? light to the women and children. As we hunted in the fields to the right and left of the Georgia railroad on Christmas I could not help from con? templating the opportunities for in? dustrial development that it waiting here. In going out from Atlanta east? ward the water that falls to your right goes direct to the Atlantio ocean. That which falls to the left goes to the gulf of Mexico. Creeks with the finest water powers flow both ways, leaving a wide plateau between unsur? passed for suburban villas. The social status of these villas would never be disturbed by the development of these powers along these creeks. One creek here where we reside would impress any capitalist in search of mill sites. Shoal creek, as its name implies, fair? ly bristles with the finest of shoals. In a distance of one mile a dozen places could be found suitable for building a factory. So it is in all the oountry about Atlanta. Here and there you find a stream and all along that stream you find the power. The river, the Chattahoochee, is not lacking in these opportunities, till, all in all, even we older people are bound to conclude that there is a great future for this section, for Georgia, for the South. Where ruddy cheeks are glowing By creeks and rivers flowing, In this land where freezing blizzards never blow, Is the place to start a boom Of the spindle and tbe loom? ?Tis the land where mighty fortunes Boon will grow. Sarqe Plunkett. A Spen?id Example. "I think ambition is never given without a mind of sufficient power to sustain it, and to achieve its lofty ob? ject." ' Who wrote these words ? A boy of 16, named Bayard Taylor, as he look? ed proudly upon an autograph Charles Dickens had given him, and left with? in him that fire of ambition that waB never quenched. The Quaker boy of the little town of Kenneth Square, near Philadelphia, who was born January 11, 1825, grew to be very fond of books, and often when sent to rock the baby would for? get all about the crying infant, so deeply would he be absorbed in a sto? ry of travel or a delicrhtful poem. His father was a poor farmer who had no money to spend on books, so Bayard set out gathering nuts, which he sold, and, instead of rushing off to a candy store, like some boys and girls, he invested his money more wisely in buyingbooks. At 14 he was studing Latin and French, 15 found him deep in Spanish. At 17 he was no longer the pupil, but the assistant in the school. The story of his life, with its deep shadows and bright lights, is beautiful and full of inspi? ration. Every boy and girl of America, England and Germany should know it by heart. And see how the penniless lad at last reaches some of the hights of his ambition, and at President Hayes' request became Minister to Beilin, and was welcomed cordially by Emperor William, and had for a fast friend Bismarck. Some of his works should be iu every library.? K Y. Press._^_ How's This ? We ofltir One Elnndrod Dollars Rewaid for any case or Cati.rrh that cannot be cured by Hall's Catarrh Cure. F. J. CHENEY & CO.. Props.. Toledo, 0. We, tbe undesigned have known F. J. Cheney for the latt 15 yean, and believe him perfectly honorable in all business transactions and flnan daily able Io carry out any obligation made by 1 their firm. West ATruax, wholesale druggists, Toledo, 0.; Walding, Kinnan A Marvin, wholesale druggists, Toledo, Chio. Hall's Catarrh Cure is taken Internally, acting directly upon the blood and mucous surfaces of the system Price, 75c. por bottle. 8old by all druggists. Testimonials free. ? m t m>< ? Nurse : "You forgot to ask God to bless papa." Teddy: "No, I didn't; I heard you tell cook you knew mamma would give him a bless? ing when he got home to-night if it was late." BUTTER AND CHEESE* How to Make the Dairy Profitable atd Enrich the Farmer. Greenville News. Before establishing any enterprise it is at first necessary to find out if the requisite conditions are present to ensure its maintenance. For any manufacturing enterprise, plenty of raw material must be in sight before a foundation stone is laid. A creamery or cheese factory is no exception to this rule, as many neighborhoods where large and costly oreameries have been erected have found out to their cost. Before building a creamery or cheese factory the milk of a sufficient number of good oows should be pledg? ed for a year or more. In practice, it has been found that three hundred cows, within three miles of the fao tory, are as few aB will ensure a suc? cessful business. To pay the running expenses of a hundred oow creamery would require such a large percentage of the receipts that-there would be no money in the business for the producers of the milk. The site of a creamery or cheese factory should be easily accessible by good roads, should have a large sup? ply of pure water, and sufficiently ele? vated to secure good drainage. There are many different ways in which cheese factories and creameries are conducted, which, for the sake of convenience, may be olassed under one of the following heads: proprie? tor and co-operative, whioh names explain themselves. In the latter class the farmers who supply the milk usually own the plant, elect officers from among their number, hire the labor and conduot the business. Another way is to employ some re? sponsible maker to handle the milk who charges a certain price a pound of cheese or butter for manufacturing, which is somewhere about cents per pound for cheese and 4 cents per pound for butter. The proprietory dairies are run on the railway mana? ger's maxim?"all the traffic will stand." The co-operative basis has naturally proved to be more satisfac? tory to the farmers as all the proceeds less the expenses go to them. To start a co-operative dairy enter? prise there must be one or more public spirited citizens, who possess the con? fidence cf the community, and who are willing to spend a little time in post? ing themselves upon the requirements of, and working for, the business. A public meeting might be arranged for to which all interested in cows and cow products should be invited. Speci? ally invite the ladies, as a creamery will relieve them of the drudgery of making butter in a dash churn. After full discussion, lists oan be opened for the subscriptions of those who are ready to put their money and cows into the business. A canvass should be made of any others, not at the meeting, who might wish to take part. Before proceeding very far a meeting of the stockholders should be called, a constitution, by laws, rules and regu? lations adopted and a permanent or? ganization effected. Co-operation means a working together, and is found in all trades and professions except farming. Should the elements of co? operation be lacking, should opposi? tion, or worse stW indifference, be met with, it is better to encourage the furtherence of private dairying and wait for the growth of a more healthy public sentiment. Neighborhoods, attracted by the glittering bait held out to them by the agents of certain dairy supply houses, sometimes make the mistake of build? ing and eqiupping too expensively at the start. It is better to commence in a modest way and enlarge the premises and plant as the circumstances of the case de? mand; and the building and machin? ery should be planned with this end in view. Many creameries carry on profitably a trade in cream, ice cream, butter milk and even eggs. Ice, or artificial refrigeration, will be indis pensible for making butter in summer; and, whether to get a small refrigerat? ing plant, which can be had as low as $650, or to buy ice is a question that must be decided. A cheese factory is a very cheap and simple affair. The building needs be only a one story plain frame structure, having the walls and ceiling of one room well insulated by the plentiful use of building paper so the tempera? ture can be controlled. The outfit for manufacturing the milk of three hun? dred cows into cheese need not cost over $500, and the total cost of build? ing *and outfit would not exceed $5 per cow. In a country district, with the surroundings favorable, a cheese fac? tory could be made highly profitable if the patrons would bend their ener? gies to the production of cheap milk, but in a town a cheese factory by itself might prove a failure. Taking such a large quantity of milk off the market, as a cheese factory does, would create a shortage in the local supply of milk and butter and an advance in prices to the detriment where there is consid? erable demand for milk for family use, a.creamery or combined creamery and cheese factory will be found more pro? fitable, though costing considerably more at the outset. In the North there are two kinds of creameries, gathered cream and centrifugal sepa? rator. Gathered cream creameries are adapted to sparsely settled districts where considerable territory has to be covered to collect cream. Unless farm cream separators are used, gathered cream creameries are not adapted to our Southern conditions. In a centrifugal separator creamery the milk is either collected by the managomont or delivered by tbe pat? rons. As soon as tbe milk arrives at tbe creameries it is weighed, the weight is recorded opposite the patron's name and a sample is reserved to be tested. The milk runs from ths weight can into the receiving vat, where it is heated by steam to blood heat. The separator is now started, the skim milk being retuned to the patrons to be fed on the fan *, whilo the cream is cooled and afterwards ripened and ohurned. While the separator is run? ning, the cream from the previous day's separating is churned. At the same time the butler from the churn? ing of the day before maybe reworked and packed. The old way of buying milk or divid? ing the net receipts of a factory was to pay each patron accerdine to the number of pounds of milk he had de? livered without regard to the quality of the milk; the new and better way, both in cheese factories and creameries is to pro rato the proceeds according to the amount of butter fat contained in the milk furnished by each patron, which makes as fair and satisfactory a division as would making up the milk of each patron separately. I have before me a copy of the agri? cultural statistics of the province of Ontario for 1892 and from it I learn that the gross value of the product of 100 pounds (nearly 12 gallons) of milk was: In creameries. 84.2 cents In butter and cheese factor? ies. 96.6 cents In cheese factories. 91. cents The comparison is useful in showing how desirable it is to be able to change readily from butter to cheese making and vioe versa. Take the case of a creamery. In summer, when butter is plentiful it is not wise to force more goods upon an overstocked market, nor to store large quantities of butter to compete with freshly made butter later, but to make cheese. The milk from which one pound of butter is made will make two and a half pounds of cheese, which will sell for 30 cents at least. A fac? tory manager needs to make both edges cut and must needs be ready to cut either way according to the demands of the market. A 500 cow factory for the manufac? ture of butter and cheese can be built and equipped for $3,000 or $3,500. The extension of dairying in its broadest sense will aid in the diversi? fication of agriculture, will in? crease the direct income of the farmer, and improve the produc? tiveness of his farm. The farm? ers of an exclusively cotton grow? ing district, where very few cows are kept, can not, of course, immediately revolutionize their methods and com? mence dairying upon a co-operative basis. They can, however, gradually build up productive herds as they are able to grow the feed for these at home. With a few modern dairy ap? pliances the butter can be put up in an attractive form, which, when mar? keted fresh, will bring the top price in the market. No effort has been made to paint a gorgeous picture of the possibilities of the dairy industry, or to induce those not qualified by natural fitness anden perience to lay hold of it in hope of salvation. In a creamery a farmer can reckon on getting the same price for his but? ter as good dairy butter brings in the market without the labor of making and marketing it. Then it is proba? ble that a creamery, by the use of im? proved machinery, will make from one-fifth to one-quarter more butter from the same amount of milk than the products of the milk could have done. Success will follow persistent effort; and, as the operations of a dairy en? terprise are extended, the difference between the cost and the selling price of the productwill be increased, bring? ing prosperity to the farmers, which will reflect upon all other classes of the community. J. W. H. This Girl Is a Genius! There is a young lady living out in the west end who teaches a class at a mission Sunday School in the suburbs. Each Sunday she encourages the chil? dren to be present on the following Sunday by giving them a hint in glow? ing termi of what the next lesson will be. Last Sunday, as usual, she told them that next Sunday's lesson would be about Lot's wife; how she was told to fly and not look behind her ; how she disobeyed and looked over her shoulder, and she was turned into a pillar of salt. While the rest of the class were re? volving the wonderful story in their minds in open-mouthed astonishment, there were two soiled fingers shaking violently over the heads of the bal? ance, and when the young lady asked for the question the owner of the fin? gers exclaimed : "Teacher, did they cat the salt ?" The young lady's forethought is the better part of her wisdom. She was puzzled only for a moment. She smiled upon the tot who had given her such a close call, and answered : "Oh, you must come next Sunday and hear."?Cincinnati Tribune. ? There is good reason for the pop ularity of Chamberlain's Cough Remedy. Davis & Buzard, of West Monterey, Clarion Co., Pa., say: "It has cured people that our physicians could do nothing for. We persuaded them to try a bottle of Chamberlain's Cough Remedy and they now recom? mend it with the rest of us." 25cent bottles for sale by Hill Bros. I BILL ARP'S LETTER. Ten at Table In Florida and Nine of Them are Women. Atlanta Constitution. "If things wasent as good as they are they might be a good deal worse as they is," was the old darkey's philoso? phy. An old Frenchman said to me : "Mine fren ef you can help a ting vat goes wrong, go long and he^ de ting ?but ef you cannot help de ting, den you must be reconcile to de ting?dat is good felosofe, and you is old enuf to be a feloaofer." That is very fine advice, but I have heard the old Frenchman rave and exclaim "le dia dle" over a trifle. The distress over trouble has to wear out. It can't be forced out by any mental effort. Great afflictions take a long time. Small troubles are more frequent and are soon forgotten. "Sorrow endureth for a night but joy cometh in the morn? ing." Heard a man say yesterday: "Major, I'm as humble as a wet dog. I havent said a cuss word since the freeze. I've lost my crop of oranges and 600 lemon trees are killed to the ground. They had just begun to bear and I was proud of them. I never saw my groves for a week after the freeze and was somewhat prepared for it, and so I never said a bad word. I felt just like I do when at the funeral of a friend. It was too big a thing for me to attack. And besides my own calamity, I had passed by some humble nabors whose market gardens were all ruined?not a living thing in them. I stopped to sympathize, and found them sad but hopeful. They were fixing to plant again. They were not kicking or complaining, and so when I got to mine I was ashamed to use profane language." But these truck growers will soon come out of the wreck. Garden seed comes down on every train. Our con? ductor dropped $50 worth of tomato seed at one station. A month ago the plants were two feet high and beauti? fully green. The fields looked like our cotton fields in June. When I returned last week there was no sign of vegetation there. We took a sail to the island yesterday. Afresh sup? ply of shells had banked up high on the beach, and mingled with them were hundreds of dead fish and crabs and seabirds. The storm must have been fearful. All day and all night the roar of the surf was like the sound of many waters. My wife says she dident dare to sleep. The family gathered round the blazing fire and wondered what more or what worse was to come. My daughter sent to town for more blankets, but as the old Persian philosopher said when in trou? ble, "even this shall pass away," and it did pass. The icy blast whis? pered "veni vidi vici" and went on, and now the weather and the waters are calm and serene. The harbor is full of boats and the boats full of fair women and peaceable men. 'Visitors are smiling and happy if citiaens are not. The owners of large groves are able, if not willing, to bear their loss. The smaller the crop the less the grief. My daughter's grove has suf? fered less than any I know of, for she had but one tree and no fruit was on that. We have a happy family here, but I am not calm and serene?I am over? cropped. I need help to entertain these ladies. I sit down to the table the only man among ten women. And five of them are wise and five of them are foolish, for five are married and five are unmarried. "The lady or the tiger?which ?" No, I take that back. I dident say it. It was a lap? sus lingue. None of them are foolish, for some live on hope and some on memory. It is a happy family. There are matrons and maids and widows, and all are kind and considerate to me. My wife and I are the chaperons and hold down the brakes, and she holds me down when I get too uppity and bigoty. She doesent say anything, but when a man has lived with a wo? man for forty-five years he can tell from the wiuk of her eye or the dimple on her chin or the pose of her head what she is thinking about. I am getting deaf now and can't hear her when I don't want to. When I get blind I don't know what she will do. The little girl orders her about. "Grandma, I want a new calico dreBs. Grandma, I want some bread and syrup. Grandma, I want some scissors to cut paper dolls." She says that is all she is good for now?to wait on the grand? children, and she won't be here long to do that. Whenever you hear a grandmother say that, you may know ahe isent near dead?just wants some? body to pet her. I always tell her she will outlive me six years, for I am that much older. Speaking of dying, I had a letter from a schoolboy the other day who wanted a speech for a debating society, and the question was, "Is it possible for a man to die before his time comes?" "I main? tain," said he, "that it is, for one day Tom Johnson was a-walking along by a wall that was bindin' an' a brick fell on his head and killed him. If he hadent walked along thar just at that time he would have been livin' yet." That boy is not a good Baptist. I wrote him that the evolution of that question involved such an elucidation of the abstruse doctrine of predestina? tion and its concomitant environments that I had not been able to fathom its ambiguous ratiocinations, but my best diagnosis was that a speech in lucid elucidation of that controverted ques? tion deserved a postage stamp. These young people here get up questions and plays and charades and card parties to pass away the long evenings. Some read and some write, and all talk. Some go rowing by ' moonlight and are proud of the blis? ters on their hands. Almost every day they go sailing with the young men who own or charter the boats and come here to spend the winter and their money. Tho little town is crowded already with nice people. Some are very nch and some are poor and need rest, but all seem to be well-raised and well-mannered people : and have good credentials. Oranges continue to come in in limited num? bers, for there were some protected spots, and the fruits that were on the inner limbs were not all frozen. Co coanuts and pineapples are brought j from lower points, and grapes from somewhere and apples from the North. Young strawberries were killed but the plants are blooming agaia and so in a few weeks fair Florida will be herself once more. There is no politics down here. It is never mentioned. The great freeze has extinguished parties and partisans. But I never heard it discussed before the freeze, for there are no office seek? ers in this sequestered spot. I asked a citizen one day who was governor of Florida. He studied a moment and said "Corbett." Another citizen cor? rected him and said, "Why it's Mitch? ell, you goose." "Well," said he, "I know'd it was Mitchell or Corbett one." A third man said it was Flag ler or Hogg; but my opinion is the railroad power controls the State and will as long as it continues to develop j it. Bill Arp. An limitation Barg-Ir.r. A gentleman tells a rather good story on himself. To those who hear it it is very funny; to the man who tells it it is, or rather it was, not quite so funny. But here it is; judge for yourself. This man?Mr. B.?is very careful about having the doors and windows of his house fastened at night. Ab out a year ago a burglar got in by me ins of a carelessly fastened window and took away a good lot of "swag," besides giving the family a scare from which they did not recover in a month. Since then Mr. B. has been more particular than ever about his fasten? ings, and it has been the cross of his life to train the servants to do the work properly. In fact, for a long time he attended to it himself, but when his wife secured the services of a big, strong girl from the country, a short time ago, he thought that he might safely count upon her fidelity to her duty. But she was as careless as those that had preceded her, and repeated lec? tures and reproofs had no effect. Finally Mr. B. determined to give her a good scare , and see whether that would not induce her to think of those open windows and doors. So one night he put on a set of big, bushy false whiskers, an old coat and a slouch hat and crept down the back stairs as softly as he could. He found the girl with tho gas turned low and sound asleep in her chair before the kitchen stove. His entrance did not waken her, but as soon as he struck a match up she jumped. He expected to hear t. chorus of screams and cries and to see her dart out of the kitchen at top speed. But, bless your soul, she never thought of doinj? anything so silly as that. On the contrary, she rose like a female Samson and made a rush at the intruder. Grasping him by the throat, she turned and twisted him about, just as a terrier does a rat, and then, jerking up a chair, she let it down with tre? mendous force upon his head and shoulders. The blow felled him to his knees, from which demoralized and unhappy position he vainly tried to tell who he was and to beg her to desist. "You thieving burglar!" she cried; "I'll teach you to come sneaking into this house trying to frighten a poor girl out of her life, to say nothing of the things you are going to steal?if I'lllet you!" As she was stone deaf to his entrea? ties, Mr. B. scrambled up the back stairs as fast as his legs would let him, while the girl hurried to his room, and pounding upon the door, called out: "Mr. B., get up! I've killed a burglar!" .- m ? ^ Old Enoogh. The youth was waiting in the recep? tion room for the young lady to come down stairs, when the small brother sauntered in with the well-known nonchalance and savoir faire which characterize him in conversation, to while away the time. After a few minutes of general talk, the caller thought he would take ad? vantage of his opportunity and glean a few items of information not other? wise obtainable, so he went at the boy straight. "I say, Johnnie," he inquired, "how old is your sister ?" Johnnie thought a minute. "Well," he replied, after due delib? eration, "I don't know cdzackly ; but maw says she is old enough to know bet? ter than to let a chap like you come and see her all the time." ? Claron Cornwell, foreman of the Gazette, Middletown, N. J., believes that Chamberlain's Cough Remedy should be in every home. He used it for a cold and it effected a speedy cure. He says: "It is indeed a grand remedy, I can recommend to all. I have also seen it used for whooping cough, with the best results." 25 and 50 cent bottles for sale by Hill Bros. Mrs. Sargent (knowingly)?"It is said that the Lord never made two women alike." Sargent (tartly]?"Of course he didn't or you would never hear of a man getting married twice." All Sorts of Paragraphs. ? It is when a devil looks least like a devil that he is most dangerous. ? Four thousand Sioux Indians are said to be regular church attendants. ? American women are growing taller, while the men are getting short? er. ? If our efforts to do good to others are spurned, they, not we, are the losers. ? Nobody cares how much a man loves himself so long as he loves his neighbor as much as himself. ? "Whenever the world comes face to face with unselfish love it has to stop and think. ? Kindness is the cheapest com? modity in the world, and yet people don't have much of it. ? There is a man living at Stillwa ? ter, Minn., who has not worn a hat for 40 years, winter or summer. ? There is no sin so little, but that if it had the right of way and time enough, it would wreck the universe. ? There is no one so innocent as not to be evil spoken of ; there*is no one so wicked as to merit all condem? nation. ? Judge Henry, in Kansas City, recently decided that a man must pay his wife's debts, even if he be suing her for divorce. ? "Miss Allright, now that you have refused me, I hope you will not think any less of me than you did be? fore." "I couldn't." ? He : "Now, I?I am a lover of yours. A lover of 20 years' stand? ing." She: "Well, take a seat. You must be tired." ? "What's the man'a business -?" "He's an expert accountant." "Je? rusalem I If we'd only had him in our election, we'd all got in." ? Mrs. Blackwood, of Indiana, who is about to marry her twelfth husband, will probably stop there, as she thinks 13 an unlucky number. ? The first English temperance society, formed in 1517, allowed its members to drink only 14 glasses cf beer a day. ? A woman in Columbus, Mo., had to bring suit against her husband, as county treasurer, to reduce the taxa? tion on some of her property. ? In China, which has long been known as "the land of opposites," the . dials of clocks are made to turn around, while the hands stand still. ? She (severely)?How many more times are you going to ask me to marry you ? He (calmly)?How many more times are you going to refuse me ? ? If a man is bad, his mother says it is because his wife does not under- ' stand him, and his wife says it is be? cause his mother always spoileri-him. ? A fence of wire netting 500 miles long is one of the wonders of Aus? tralia. It was erected for the purpose j of confining the rabbits to a certain district. ? California has one of the most remarkable timber belts in the world, embracing 4125 square miles, and containing me hundred and twenty-j three billi m feet of timber. m Rudy's Pile Suppository, is guar? anteed to cure Piles and Constipation, or money refunded. 50 cents per box? Send stamp for circular and Free Sam? ple to Martin Rudy, Lancaster, Pa. For sale by Wilhite & Wilhite, drug? gist*. ? "There's one thing I don't un? derstand," said Little Harry ; "that*8 why good-tasting things like pie make -me sick, while bad-tasting things like medicine make me well. It ought to be the other way." ? He?"You said before we were married that I could sit around with my coat off and smoke when I pleas? ed." She?"Yes; but you don't please when you sit around with your coat off and smoke." ? "It is wonderful what progress has been made in the way of machine? ry," remarked Mr. Figg. "I see that there has been a machine invented that can make a complete pair of shoes in sixteen minutes. Why, that is even faster than Tommy can wear them out." ? "You will remember," said Snor kins, "that geese once saved Rome." "Yes," replied Barkins, "but that's no excuse for so many geese cackling nowadays under the impression that they are saving this country." ? Husband?"What do you do when you hit your thumb with a ham? mer ? You can't swear." Wife? "No, but I can think with all my might and main what a perfectly horrid, mean, inconsiderate, selfish brute you are not to drive the nails yourself." ? Mrs. Rosa McDonald, who was one hundred and four years old, died at Lockport, near Chicago, Tuesday. Her father lived to be one hundred and two years old, and three of her brothers passed ninety. Who says Americans are not long lived ? ? Many stubborn and aggravating cases of rheumatism that were believ? ed to be incurable and accepted as life legacies, have yielded to Chamber? lain's Pain Balm, much to the sur? prise and gratification of the sufferers. One application will relieve the pain and suffering and its continued use insures an effectual cure. For sale by Hill Bros. ? Some time ago a lot of pennies was received at the treasury depart? ment for redemption. Among them was a coin which was rejected. The treasury would not give a cent for it. A clerk in the office redeemed it and gave it to Congressman Johnson, of North Dakota, who sent it to the Smithsonian Institution for identifi? cation, and later he received word that the coin is of the mintage of the year 284 A. D., and circulated in the time of Emperor Diocletian. It is a very valuable relic, worth many times its weight in gold.