Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

%n $irk?c!ikitt Iffitrra(~-|tli? fa $oIifes, literature, fetus, ittrrals, |jj?cnlte> $aw aitir |rt. BY JAMES A. KOYT. ANDERSON COURT HOUSE, S. C, THURSDAY MORNING. NOVEMBER 29, 1860. VOLUME 1.?NUMBER 16. %\x ^musing ADVENTURES OF A BASHFUL MAN. Harry Gordon Singleton, made his de? but into this world on a Friday. We deem this fact worth chronicling, since it was an event of some importance to our hero,and because we hope to show unbelievers that the old saw about the unluckiness of Fri? day is correct. From Ids very birth, Har? ry was stigmatized. He was an exceed? ingly pretty babe, fair complexionod, blue eyed, brown haired, plump and rosy; but he was eudowed with an heritage far worse than a hunch back, a club foot, or a squint eye-^-Ae was bashful ? When the ladies came to look at him in his cradle, andto pronounce him a "little beauty? theexpress image of his pa;" the little "sweet" would invariably put his fat fist in his mouth, and hide his interesting face in the pillow. He could not be won by sugar plumbs or peanuts; he would hide behind his mother's robes when asked for a kiss, and if a stranger attempted to take ?him up, said stranger usually got the worst of it.in the way of kicks and scratch? es.; J& ' - . ? : r. So it came to pass that.although people ?called Harry a charming little thing to his mother, they expressed themselves aside in very different terms, and malig? ned poor Harry's infantile character to an unhead of extent. To have listened to the private conversation of half-dozen old gos? sips on this point, you would have had no doubt in yourown mind but Harry Single? ton was the most accurate edition of orig? inal sin extant. Mrs. Singleton?a fair-faced, handsome woman?regretted very greatly this un? fortunate trait in the temperament of her beloved rirst-born, and used every endeav? or to break him of it, but without success, and Harry grew up to youth the must beautiful and retiring of all human be? ings. He was, also, singularly unlucky. Ko child ever received so many bumps and thumps since tho fall of Adam ; his forehead was a populous archipelago of blue, yellow and black bruises, in various stages of coloring. He never touchod a knife without cutting his fingers; he could c scarcely eat his meals without sticking his fork into his hands, and at length his lather would allow him only a spoon with ?which to take his food?believing that he could do-himself'no damago with that, pacific instrument, unless ho swallowed it. .. When there was company at the house, Harry generally rotircd to an unoccupi? ed room in the attic, where?having en? sconced himself in tho bed which stood there?he passed the day reading some old novel or book of history, picked out of the"great chest in the garret used lor the repository of rubbish; or, b}7 way of vari- j ation, ho sometimes toon refuge in the barn, and "snugly hidden on the hay-mow, spent the time in silent meditation on his unfortunate destiny. He would walk a mUe around through tho fields to avoid meeting a young lady; and when in the street, if he heard the sound of wheels he would leap over the wall or fence and lie prone on tho ground until tho vehiclo had passed by. As he grow older, he lost nono of his peculiarities, and before he was sixteen years of age, his mother's chief difficulty was the fear that he would live an old bachelor. Hundreds of silver dollars could not liave induced him to speak to a girl of his age, and his father was obliged to forego his purpose of sending him to the Whitesboys' school. But notwithstanding Harry's excessive bashfulness, he grew up to beafinclel low?brave, generous and handsome, and there was-not a girl in town but would have.felt.herself honored by his prefer? ence. Harry, however, stood aloof from all the female sex, arid as a natural conse? quence, he was the subject of numberless practical jokes, and tho hapless occasion of continual giggling among the gay girls at the singing school. When Harry was nineteen, Rosalie Wa? ters came to Whitestown to pass some time with her aunt, Mrs. Judge Flanders. Rosalie was a pretty, bright-eyed, mis? chievous fairy of seventeen, and if the truth must be confessed, she took quite a liking to handsome, bashful Harry; Singie ton; but of course she was too much of a coquette to allow Harry to guess it. He, on'his part, thought himself dead in love, though he dared not raise his eyes to the peerless face of his guiding-star-. For whole days he racked his brain, planning how he should address her, but without decidfng upon anything definite. One night, at singing-school, a bold idea flash? ed across his brain; its very boldness made it seem practicable. He would offer to escort Rosalie home! It was an audacious act, and Harry trembled in cvory limb at the thought of it; a cold prcspiration started out of every pore; bis hair,nearly stood erect, and his faco flushed hot as the bosom of Vesuvius. He attempted to sing, but his fine tenor voice broke down; he coughed, hemmed, and flourished his hankerchief. and was at last obliged to sit down in despair. The exercises of the evening closed; Harry seized his hat and rushed for tho en try, whore he took his station in full view of tho door through which Rosalie would emerge. Her crimson hood ap? peared in the doorway, and his teeth chat? tered in his head, but his resolution was unshaken. He made a sortie in her direc? tion, knocking over little James Brown, the barber, and fearfully mutilating the now calash of Miss Winn. the milliner, in the act; but these were minor affairs, and not worthy of notice. He touched the shoulder of Rosalie. " May I?may I?go homo with you to day?to night?this evening';'" stammered ho. She put her little hand within his arm, and they went out together into the star? light. Harry seemed to tread on air. Tins world was this world no longer, but the charmed paradise of impossibility and he dared not speak lest he should break the spell. The little lady, too,was strangelysilo'rit. and the entire distance to the house of Judge Flanders was passed without a word. At the door Harry would have hidden his companion goodnight, but she retained his hand and drew him into the parlor; and there the light of the chande? lier fell full on the face of the pretty laughing woman, and with dread dismay Harry saw that not Rosalie, but Mrs. Judge Flanders herself, stood before him. lie had waited on the aunt, and not the niece! Ho "uttered an exclamation and. started up to retire, but Mrs. Flanders good humoredly de tained him. '?Don't go, Harry," she ' said kindly, "you really did bravely. I am proud of you; I knew from the first that you had made a mistake,but was fearful you would never try again if I denied your es? cort. Rosalie will be in soon; wait for her." "lndeed,ma'am?1?I?should be happy (o?not to?in fact, ma'am, I believe I am wanted at home." Harry started for the door backwards, but instead of ehoo-ing that by which he had entered, lie bolted out into the dark kitchen and seized the handle of the first door that offered. Mrs. Flanders was fol? lowing close, but before she could utter a single word she heard his "good night." succeeded immediately by a series of thumbs and rumblings in the direction of the cellar. The truth burst upon her at once. Har? ry had taken the cellar-door and had fal? len down the stairs ! She seized a light and flew down the steps. There lay Har? ry1, with his head in the trough of ashes, and his feet unromantically elevated over the shelf of a neighboring cupboard. He was considerably bruised and stunned, but not otherwise damaged. Mrs. Flanders would have raised him up, but he antici? pated her; and without stopping to shake himself, bounded up the stairs and made a drive at the outer door,thc ashes stream? ing out behind him like a cloud of gray smoke. The door was opened from without.and Rosalie herself appeared. At sight of the hutlcss, smoking Harry,she uttered a loud shriek and fell to the floor, while our hero dashed over her prostrate form and took the track for home, at a speed unequalled in the anuals of foot races. Breathless and used up generally, the young mrian reached home, crawled in at a back win? dow and retired to his bed. which he kept for three days afterward. In spite of all apologies and flattering courtesies from Mrs. Flanders?in spite of gentle affectionate advances from the fair Rosalie herself. Harry Singleton could never be tempted to step inside the man? sion, of the judge; and Rosalie, after wa.it in"- two years for Harry to make himself agreeable to hei-, gave up the vain hope, and became the wife of a substantial wid? ower with four children, which was quite a good beginning. Harry went on his way alone, as his mother had feared and prophesied, and that exemplary little woman set i:bout learning him to repair stockings and re? place lost buttons, with commendable pa tience. He had studied for the law, had been two years admitted to the bar, and was a talented and rising young man. Being also wealthy and handsome, half the ladies in the village were in love with him, but he gave them a wide berth and passed them by. Mr. Singleton dabbled somewhat in pol? itics, and at the early age of thirty he was elected member of Congress ; and in cele? bration of this evonr, a grand dinner in his honor was given at the Whitestown Ho tol. Of course the successful candidate must be present, and etiquette demanded that he should bring a lady with him. The committee of arrangements waited upon him to inform him of this fact, and it may bo well be believed that the com? munication filled him with vague horror. He begged of the gentlemen to provide him a partner, if he must have one, stipu? lating only that the lady should not be a young lady; and in due time he was in? formed that he was to attend Mrs. Grub bins, the widow of Dr. Timothy Grub bins, the wealthiest, as well as the fat? test and tallest woman in the whole coun? try. The eventful evening arrived. Mr. Sin? gleton took Mrs. Grubbins to the hotel in a chaise. The ladj- was magnificently at? tired in a doubleskirted tarleton, with ' ribbons, feathers, and fearfully extended crinoline. Poor Harry! thought of escorting that giantess into a room filled with people made him sweat like one under the influ? ence of a powerful dose of ipecachuana. Put he was in for it, and must get out the best way he could. Mrs. Grubbins, proud and triumphant, preceded him, breaking the passage, and compelling lesser people to yield the ground. Just as she arrived on the threshold of the banquctting hall, she dropped her fanj and just at that mo? ment, the audience perceiving Harry in the back-ground, proposed " three-cheers for lion. Mr. Singleton !'' Harry stooped to reclaim the fan, and when the enthusiastic multitude looked for their champion he was nowhere visible. Cries ran round the room loud and vehe? ment : " Mr. Singleton ! where is Mr. Single Ion ?" dud directly Mr. Singleton, looking very hot and very much confused, appear? ed from under tho upper skirt of Mrs. Grubbins' dress?that lady having com? pletely submerged the honorable gentle? man in the folds of her drapery. Gentle? men smiled in their sleeves, and ladies giggled behind their handkerchiefs: Mrs. Grubbins looked more regal than ever, and .Mr. Singleton leaned against a pillar for support. The announcement of dinner was a great relief. Judge Flanders presided; Mrs. Grubbins occupied the seat at Sin? gleton's right; Mrs. Flambeaux sat at his left, and Lucy Dcane, the village belle, was his vis-a-vis. Harry's position was exceedingly em? barrassing to one of his peculiar temper? ament. e He dared not refuse anything t hat was ottered him, lest some one should look at him, and the consequence was, his plate literally groaned beneath its weight of edibles. Tomato sauce?his especial horror?was passed around; a preserve plate full was alloted to him. He tried bard to swallow some, but it stuck fast in his throat; it choked and sickened him, and set him to coughing with alarming violence. ?iYou have taken a severe cold, I pre? sume ?" remaked Miss Flambeaux. "Yes, madam, thank you, I have," re? turned Singleton, trembling oir the verge of another sneeze. "Why don't you cat your tomatoes?" queried Mrs. Grubbins. "My poor dead and gone Daniel used to sav that there was nothing in the whole vegetable world equal to tomatoes." "Xo doubt, madam, they are very fine;" and Singleton essayed a second spoonful. That second dose had well nigh been too much for him. and with desperate resolve he watched until the whole company were engaged in drinking a toast, when he tilted the preserve dish and let its con? tents run into bis napkin, which recepta? cle he whiffed into his pocket without de? lay, and immediately felt easier. A mo? ment afterwards Judge Flanders propo? sed a sentiment: -The Honorable Harry Singleton: May he always retain the title of ??Hon? orable,'' but may be soon resign bis right to be called Single. It is not good for man to be alone." The sentiment was drank with ap? plause. Singleton, blushing red hot at the insinuation conveyed by the words of the judge, thrust his hand in his pocket to get bis hankcrchicf, when instead, out came the napkin, tomato and all. lie mopped his forehead vigorously with it, and the luscious vegetable formed an unc? tions poultice thereon?completely trans? figuring bis countenance. Blinded with the syrup, and half dead with mortifica? tion, he thrust tho napkin into his pocket and secured the handkerchief, while the astounded company looked on in silent amazement. "Does your nose bleed, sir?" inquired Mrs. Grubbins, quite audibly. ??What in Heaven's name is the mater?" screamed Judge Flanders. "Ahem! only a slight cold, thank you, sir," stammered Mr. Sirrgleton. "A cowld, is it ? Faith now, and yer honor's nose must be afther turnin' itself inside out. thin !".exclahned Mr. O'Toolo, the Irish patriot and orator. Lucy Deane was laughing; Miss Flam? beaux was horrified; Mrs. Grubbins look? ed shocked; our friend Singleton was nearly suffocating with shame. Ho lean? ed back in his chair to recover his breath, and as soon as he could speak, begged to bo excused a moment; he did rot feel quite well. And forthwith he rose and made for the door; but horror of hor? rors !?he had sat on the pocket containing the napkin of tomato, and his white pan? taloons were dripping red with tho san? guinary vegetablo! A simultaneous shriek burst from all assembled : "Good heavens, Mi*. Singleton is woun? ded ! Murder! murder! Call a physi? cian ! Seize the murderer! Send for Dr. Spillpowdor! Quick?he'll bleed to death ! Murder! murder!" The infuriated audience rushed hither and thither, and some one encountering John, the waiter, with a carving knife in his hand, took him for the perpetrator of the crime, and seized upon him without delay. John struggled and swore, and laid about him with right good will, but he was overpowered by numbers, and at last obliged to yield. There was a regu? lar fight, and black eyes and swelled no? ses were the order of the day. The ladies fled to tho ante-room; Judge Flanders ran for a surgeon, and during the melee Singleton made his escape. No grass grew beneath his feet; he galloped for home as fii.st as his legs would cany him; but the night being dark, and he being slightly flustratod, he unfortunately mis? took the house, and entered, not his own residence, but that of a correct old spin? ster named Harriet Willis. The houses were somewhat similar, and Singleton, without pausing for a light, rushed up stairs and into his own chamber, as he thought, where, breathless and exhausted, he flung himself upon the bed. Miss Harriet had retired some time pre? vious, and the sudden advent of Mr. Sin? gleton aroused her from a sound slumber. Springing from the bed, regardless of the fact that her teeth were out. and her nat? ural curls reposing in the bureau-drawer, she flew from the house to the nearest neighbor's where, having secured assis? tance, she returned to meet the horrified Singleton, just emerging from tho door. Poor IIany tried to explain, but Miss Willis would listen to nothing; her repu? tation was ruined, she said, and Single? ton must cither settle or many her. A fifty dollar bill, which was freely given, mended the broken character, and learn? ed Singleton never to go to bed in the darlc. The affair at the Whitestown Hotel was rather a serious one. The patriot O'Toole had his nose broken; Dr. Spill powder broke his horse's wind to got there before Singleton should bleed to death; Jahn, the waiter, broke the heads of the half-dozen gentlemen who assisted in his capture: and Judge Flanders broke all the buttons olf his waistbands running after the surgeon and shouting murder. Mr. Singleton is yet unmarried?as fine a fellow as you could wish; and if you want to >ee blushing, just mention tomato sauce to him. -+ JJgT Dobbs, during his first session 06 a member of the Legislature, was caught without a speech. He Avas remarkable for his modesty, and his thirst for "red eye." One unlucky day the proceedings being dull, and Dobbs being rather, thirsty, he concluded to go over to the hotel and take a drink. As Dobbs rose to leave the hall, he caught the Speaker's eye. The Speaker supposed he intended to address the house, and announced in a loudA'oice? ? Mr. Dobbs!" Dobb: started as if he had been shot. The assembled wisdom of the State had their eyes fixed upon him. He pulled out his pocket hankkerchicf to Avipe away the I e spin lion, and feeling 't necessary to say something, he thundered out: " Second the motion." ?' There is no motion before the house," said the- Speaker. ? Then I?I?" The liilencc was breathless. "I?,; Dobfcs could not think of anything to saA-. But a bright idea came to him and he finished Avith? " I move to adjourn." The motion did't go, but Dobbs did, and nothing more avus seen of him that day. -* Man, says the anatomist, changes every seven years; "therefore, says Jones, "my tdlor should not ask me for the bill I contracted in 1848?I am not the same person?henco, I owe him nothing." -4>-. fiST The Avorst AVay of pitching into a fellow and making him feel generally like a goose is to tar and feather him. Results from Little Things. Men rarely trace events back to their moving causes. The marvel of a success? ful triumph of science or arts is universal? ly acknowledged as the grand consequen? ces which are to flow from it are evolved, but who goes back to the pale student who, in some obscure garret, years before, dis? covered the principle upon which it is founded, and stimulated tho investigation of other minds, so that a fact was finally crowned by almost a miracle of success? Your "practical men "?those who gather the wealth of the world in their coffers? are disposed to look with contempt upon the lebors which lay the foundation for momentous changes, not only in the bus? iness and commerce of tho world, but even in the condition humanity itself. When two Italian philosphers, in the last centurv, wrangled over the reason l " ? why a dead frog's leg could be made to perform involuntary motions, who of their cotc-mporaries failed to regard them as mad with too much learning? Yet in the explanation of that phenomenon lay the germ of all electric science. It has been developed into new and beautiful appli? cations in the mechanic arts, as well as in science, and done more to revolutionise the world than the march of victorious ar? mies. The curious collectors of specimens of rocks and of fossils were regarded by men of the world and the rustics who witness? ed their labors as demented ; but out of these collections has been built up the his? tory of the world before the "beginning." Now, tho beetling cliif and subterranean mine have an intelligible language writ ten by the finger of God, and preserved for the instruction of our times. From the period when the earth was a globe of firc,sw&sping with flashing light through the heavens, down through each succes? sive period of new formations, until life made its appearance in its lowest forms in the retiring waters, the force of each contending element, the process by which electric and chemical affinities and me? chanical forces laid down each successive layer of rocks is known*; and men can look back and see the working out in harmony through countless ages of the plan of the first great architect. So connected is the whole system of truth, that at whatever point a clue is ob? tained, it leads, when followed, into unex? pected and wonderful discoveries. The falling of an apple led to the discovery of the law which helcfthe planets in their or? bits, and developed to mortal cars the music ^of the spheres. The hissing of steam from a common tea-kettle led to the discovery of the power of that wonderful agent that now moves the saw, the plane, and the loom; drives the ship over the ocean and car over the land; multiplying a thousand fold the energy of human industry, and overcomes the obstacles of time and space. Who could have guessed that some scemirgly insignificant experiment was destined to change the modes of human labor; that a pebble picked up in the field would become an index to untold mineral wealth; or a shell gathered from an old deposit a sure indication of what lay deep? ly buried beneath the soil ? Who dream? ed the possibility of giving a pathway to the winds, and discovering a law by which to determine the approach of storms? Our present knowledge on these sub? jects baa not been obtained by accident. The men who have seemed to be dream? ers.?who have devoted their investigations to minute things, found the key which un? locked the store house of Nature's myste? ries, and cnablo us now to gaze upon her secret work. The results from little things have been so vast?the richness of the fields of knowledge yet to be explored are so great, that we look with fear upon every move? ment of the scholar?the mere observer? the rough explorers who never attempt to reduce the knowledge they acquire to any practical use. No fact obtained in the physical work is valueness. No principle established is isolated, but beyond and connected with it is another which adds to the certainty of human investigation and the marvel of new practical applica? tions. Try for a single day, I beseech you, to preserve yourself in an easy and cheer? ful frame of mind. Be for one day, in? stead of a fire worshiper of passion and of hell, the sun worshiper of clear self-pos? session, and compare the day m which you have roooted out the weed of dissat? isfaction with that on which you have al? lowed it to grow up,?and you will find your heart open to every good motive, your own life strengthened and your breast armed with a panoply against eve? ry trick of fate. Truly, you will wonder at your own improvement._ jjgy- When liars die and can lie no lon? ger, their epitaphs generally lio for thorn. Young Ladies, Read. What a number of idle, useless women ?they call themselves young ladies?pa? rade our streets! "They toil not, neither do they spin, yet Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of them. Do they cver look forward to the time when tho real cares and responsibilities of life will cluster around them ? Have thev made, or are they making any preparation for tho onerous duties which will assuredly fall to their lot?duties to society, tho world and God ? They lounge or sleep away their time in tho morning. They never tako hold of tho drudgery, the re? pulsive toil, which each son and daughter of Adam should perform in this world. They know nothing of domestic duties. They have no habits of industry, no taste for the useful, no skill in any really useful art. They arc in tho streets, not in tho t performance of their duty, or for the ac? quisition of health, but to soo and bo seen. They expect thus to pick up a husband who will promise to bo as indulgent as their parents have been, and support them iu idleness. They who sow the wind in this way aro sure to reap the whirlwind. No life can bo exempt from cares. How mistaken an education do these girls re ceivc who are allowed to imagine that life is always to be a garden of roses I Labor is the great law of our being. How worthless will she prove who is unablo to perform it! It has been observed that " by far tho greatest amount ot happiness in civil? ized life is found in the domestic rela? tions, and most of these depend on tho home of tho wife and mother." What a mistake is then made by our young girls and their parents when domestic educa? tion is unattended t?! Our daughters should be taught, practically., to bake, to cook, to arrange the table, to wash and iron, to sweep, and to do everything that' pertains to tho order and comfort of the household. Domestics may be necesuary, but they aro always a necessary evil, and the best:< help " a woman can have is. her? self. If her husband is ever so rich, the time may come when skill in domestic employments will secure to her a comfort which no domestic can procure. Even if she is never called to labor for herself, slu should, at least, know how things ought to be done, so that she ought not to be cheated by her servantfj. Domestic Education cannot be acquired in the streets. It cannot be learned amidst the frivolities of modern society. . A good, and worthy, and comfort-bringing husband can rarely be picked up on tho pavement. " The nymph who walks the public itxoeU, And sets her cap for all she meets, May catch the fool ?./ho turns to stare, But men of sense avoid tho anare." -o?? Old Deacon Sharp never told a lie, but he used to relate this:?He was stand? ing one day beside a . frog-pond?wo have his word for it?and saw a largo gartcr-snake make an attempt upon an enormous big bull-frog. The snake seiz? ed one of the frog's hind legs, and the frog, to bo on a par with his snake ship, caught him by the tail, and both commen? ced swallowing one another, and continu? ed this carniverous operation until noth? ing was left of either of them. - ? A young iady in reply to her father's question, why sho did not wear rings up? on her fingers, said, "Because, papa, they hurt me when anybody squeezes my hand!" " What business have you to hav? your hand squeezed ?" " Certainly none, but still you know, papa, one would like to keep it in squeez? able order." -4? S8r Smith, who makes a joke of all his troubles, says the cook at his boarding house is so careless about separating the feathers from the chickens that ho never eats dinner without feeling down in the mouth." B6?~ An English Review says:?" Sou? th ey told Shelley a man might be happy [ with any woman, and certainly a wise man, once married, will try to make tho best of it." fiST* The red, wdiite and blue ?the red cheeks, the white teeth, and blue eyes of a lovely girl, areas good a flag as a young soldier in the battle of life need fight un? der. B?? A flirt is like a dipper, attached to a hydrant?every one is at liberty to drink from it, but no one desires to carry it away. fiS*"* 'Tis little troubles that wear the heart out. It is easier to throw a bomb? shell a mile than a feather?even with ar tilery. Jg@- Theory may be all very well, but young doctors and lawyers prefer practice. Blessed are they that are blind, for they shall dee no ghoste,