Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, October 20, 1881, Image 1
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lewis m. grist, proprietor, j Jnticpcnknt Jiamiltt ^tcbispapcr: .for fjjt |)romofjoii of the .political, Social, Agricultural anh Commercial interests of tjje jsostj). TERMS--$2.50-A TEAR, IN ADVANCE.
VOL. 27. YORKVILLE, S. P., THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2Q, 1881. , JSTO. 42.
?Itc JFtmu Idler.
64 WHO KILLED JONES' DOG?"
Justice is a very necessary element of society?as
necessary as milk is said to be in a
large family of small children. But justice
is not very useful, unless its instruments are
both honest and vigiluut. There are all
sorts of instruments of justice, from that ponderous
aflair called the Supreme Court of
the United States, down to the little wheel
of a magistrate, that whirls and buzzes in a
country township ; and, after all, they are all
but parts of one ponderous machine that
grinds out, day and night, all over this
mighty republic, law and order for the People
; at any rate, that is the theory, and has
been ever since the Revolution, back of which
the memory of man is not legally permitted
to run, and, of course, does not run.
Out West, somewhere, one of these little
courts attempted to settle the questiou ?
"Who killed Jones' dog ?"
The "settlement" where Jones s dog was
born, and lived, and finally died, was a very
sparse settlement, made up of all sorts of peo- j
pie?hardy pioneers?who were troubled
with but few local iucideuts ; but these few
became the more important for that very reason.
Jones' dog was just as much of a fixture
there, as Jones' boy. Everybody kuew
Jones' dog, and the dog'knew everybody in
return. Jones' dog might have died in a
thousand places without creating a spasm iu
society, but Jones' dog could not die a violent
death in Buzzard town, without shaking ;
the whole community from centre to circum-1
fereuce.
But so it was. Tho dog was found, one j
morning, with a bullet through his head,
"clean gone," and the question arose, "Who
killed Jones' dog ?"
Quimbly said Fog did it; Fog charged it
upon Quimbly. Bumper declared Hobbs |
was the rascal, and Hobbs put it at the door j
of some other neighbor ; indeed, all Buzzardtown
had an opinion upon the subject, and
expressed it, too, and it was not long before
the people?men, women, and children?
had rubbed up each other's ears to blood
heat, and war finally broke out, hot and furious,
all over Buzzardtowu, and even extended
into the suburbs.
One man, however, preserved a most dignified
silence on the subject. He was the
magistrate before whom the question might
come, and finally did come. When the dog
question was alluded to, incidentally, before
him, he pushed his hands deep into his
breeches pockets, and looked wise, for he was
a magistrate, and why should he not ? And
he gave the people to understand that his
opiuion, if it ever was given, would be given
on the "bench," where such questions must
be finally decided.
Squire Bumbleton, was, in some respects,
a very remarkable man. He was a justice
of the peace, and of course capable of deciding
the questiou,"Who killed Jones'dog?"
He had many shining qualifications for the
office which he held. He had a stoicism
"beyond all Grecian?ay, all Roman fame."
He would sit all day in the presence of a
couple of pettifoggers, and permit them to fire
into him their "arguments," alternating to
take breath, pass through two or three side^
1' 4~ ~ O U n ??r? r\ f* oKllCQ llim.
UglllS, lilfcU 11 icuauuouiu ouulc v/i ...... ,
self and reserve the case at last for decision,
with his temper unruffled, and his judgment j
unimpaired.
Bumbleton, in fact, was in possession of
those two great elements that are indispen- j
sable in a Western justice?silence and la- i
ziness. He never gave an opinion in public, |
or privately, "that was an opinion." His j
ay was a grunt, aud his no was a grunt; but]
he was a very great man all over Buzzard-1
town, for that very reason. Bumbleton's
grunt weighed a ton?particularly wheu he
gave it emphasis by a scratch of the head.
The church at Buzzardtown, however, was
first convulsed with the question, "Who killed
Jones' dog?" A dozen or more of its
members were suspected, and they (the dozen)
suspected each other, aud more charges j
were made. Tripes said Trimlet did it? i
Triralet knew it was Tripes ; Granderson was j
willing to swear it "onto" Jodson over a stack j
of Bibles as high as his head. Jodson j
wouldn't say Granderson 'zactly killed the j
dog, but he would kill a dog, and lie faster j
than the old Eclipse could run. Stokes rather i
guess'd Whedon's boy did it, but didn't
know nothin' 'bout it. Whedon's boy denied
it, and said "Stokes was mad at him,
'cause he thought he tied his pigs' tails to- |
gether." Old Aunt Farwell (who knew ev- j
erything all over the settlement) said, "her |
mind was just as well settled on the point of j
- ' - A oa oko Ka/1 qopH i
WHO KllltJU Llint CIC UUg, do 11 on v. tiuu |
the shootin' did ; but she warn't goin' to say j
nothin' 'bout it." Clark said "the dog corn- !
mitted suicide." Jones declared to Clark j
"that he was a liar," and the great question |
still was, "Who killed Jones' dog ?"
The church sat twelve mortal days over i
Jones' dog, day and night. It showed what ]
kind of a dog Jones' dog was ; how, when i
and where it was born ; its habits, character, j
and propensities?very much after all, like j
other dogs. All the hostility that had ever j
been exhibited, by word or deed, against j
Jones, was brought out in strong relief and, |
what was worse, before the rneetin' closed, i
instead of there being only one issue?"Who j
killed Jones' dog ?"?side issues innumerable
had sprung up, mostly questions of ve- j
racity which had grown out of the examina-1
tion, and now Buzzardtown was in a tempest i
of fury, and its people were ready to tear each j
other's ejes out.
Mrs. Culpepper, a sharp-nosed, weazenfaced !
woman of fifty, waged war against Mrs. 1
* / _ i_ j ? i i
fikes, a sozzie or a oouy, uecause rurs. * uvea
declared in church-meetin' that she wouldn't
b'lieve nothiu' any of the Cnlpeppers said
'bout nobody?from old Culpepper, through
the old woman Culpepper, and clean down
to the little Culpeppers. She wouldn't
b'lieve a word from no Culpepper, not no i
bow?'bout Jones' dog?nor nothin." (Mrs. j
Pikes hail a hatred against Mrs. Culpepper, j
because Mrs. Culpepper's boy, Jabez, told ;
Mrs. Pikes' bov, Ichabod, that his mother;
was "small potatoes," and Mrs. Pikes said,
"she know'd Mrs. Culpepper set her boy up i
to it.") Mrs. Culpepper fired up, and pro- i
claimed to all Buzzardtown, that "she never
seed a Pike that was anybody?they were
the laziest, slip shod-est, sbilly shally-est set j
on the airth, she did b'lieve. Old Pikes!
warn't nobody ; his wife, Sal Pikes, waru't
nobody, and the little Pikes were as near as i
two peas like 'em ; they'd all lie, that she j
know'd ; aud she guess'd they'd?wal, she
wouldn't say it right out?but she guess'd
they'd?she s'posed there warn't no use
keepin' in?she thought it, and she might as
well let it come?she guess'd they'd?t'was
a tough thing to say?she guess'd they'd
steal?there, you've got it." And so Mrs.
Pikes and Mrs. Culpepper rubbed up each
other's ears, and fired hot shot into each
other's camp, and the Pikes hoys and the
Culpepper boys picked each other's sides, for
a month or more, and all about?"Who ki!I'd
Jones' dog?''
Mrs. Kinter had said in church-meeting
that?"one night?she couldn't tell when?
but 'fore Jones' dog died 'I any rate?one
HnflHannMnMBBHaHBi
night she seed a man?with a gun?going
'long?the road?on his shoulder?the man?
! gun?-going 'long?one night?by Jones'
! house?and she heer'd a bark?and a fire of
j the gun, and she did not see no more?and
j she s'posed she must tell all she know'd?
and she would, if she died for't; and she
j b'lieved that man was Dobbins?and she
allers would b'lieve it. If a thousand men
! swore it warn't."
Dobbins declared that it was a lie on the
; spot. Whereupon Mrs. Kinter left the meetj
ing with a very red face, and war opened be|
tween the Kinters and Dobinses immediately
j and furiously, and, as their farms joiued, it
; resulted in a border-fight.
Kinter sent home Dobbins' harrow, and
| shovel, and trace chain, and demanded his
! ox yoke, hammer, and an old bag, all of which j
he said he wanted "straight." Mrs. Kinter
hurried after her flat-iron and caudle-moulds,
j aud wanted Mrs. Dobbins to "send back that
| drawin' of tea as quick as time would let her,
; and she advised Susannah Arabella Mary
Dobbins, to bring home that 'ere book she got
of her Eliza Victoria, heavens knows how
I long ago; and she hoped she shouldn't hear
of a Dobbins agin the longest day she lived."
Dobbins told Kinter "he must move his
fence on the line?and he could have jest
twenty-four hot *s to think on't?he had furnished
him with a place for his fence about
as long as he should?if he didn't, Squire
Bumbleton would be 'arter him with hot
blocks, and he'd law him as long as he could
see a printer for forty miles rouud !"
Kinter advised Dobbins "to crack his
whip?and make his best jumps?and do his
very all thunderest?and if he couldn't stand
it as long as he could?why he'd come down,
and surrender?that was all."
So Dobbins did crack his whip?and did
make his best jumps?and forthwith brought
an action of trespass against Kinter in the
"high court," laying his damages at one thousand
dollars, although the fee simple of the
land in dispute was not worth five?and the
"dance was fairly opened," between the Kinters
and the Dobbinses.
Dobbins threw down the fence some fifty
times during the pendency of the suit, because
he meant to be boss on his own land,
if the d?1 stood at the door!" and ' Kinter
put it up as often, "because he know'd the
line ; and his fie; ce was hus fence, and should
stand thar as long as there- was a Kinter I
above ground that could peep; and if he j
died, he'd will his property to some one 'pon j
condition that he'd keep up that 'ere fence!" I
Kinter's hogs and sheep came home with j
their tails chopped off, and Dobbins' came
home with theirs chopped off a little higher up.
Kinter's horses died suddenly, with strong j
symptoms of poison, and Dobbins' horses died
suddenly, with like symptoms. Kinter's stack
of wheat was burned, aud Dobbins' went off
by combustion soon after. Kinter's young
timber was girdled, and Dobbins' was girdled
too. Kiuter, in fact, lost one half of his live
stock, and Dobbins lost as much. The very
dogs?the Kiuter dogs and the Dobbins
dogs?had caught the spirit of war that raged
nrmmd them. and prowled as thev passed
each other?and all about what happened in
that church-meeting?and yet the question
was unsettled, "Who killed Jones' dog?"
Kites, one of the worthy soldiers in the
Buzzardtown fight, made a descent upon Jim
Sniffer, another worthy soldier, because Sniffer
said (so Aunt Farwell told him) that "he
(Sniffer) shouldn't be 'tall 'sprised if Kites
kill'd that 'ere dog his self." Whereupon,
Kites sued Sniffer before Squire Bumbleton
"to recover that 'ere little balance of thirtyone
cents that Sniffer owed him on that 'ere
note agin him?and, also, whereupon Sniffer,
in defence, plead a set off, "three dinners that
Kites had eaten at his table"?by iuvitation,
to be sure, at the same time?but, then, as
Sniffer said, 'la' is la', and if Kites wanted to
go in for the last copper, he'd find him on
hand and doin' about as airly in the morning
as the next man !"
At last Jones concluded he had found his
mau?the villain who had killed hi9 dog?
and he owed it to the peace of the community,
as well as himself, to prosecute before
Squire Bumbletou, and thus settle the vexed
question. It was quite clear that Buzzardtown
would blow itself all to pieces, like a
bomb-shell, unless something definite was
done. The evidence upon which he relied
was circumstantial?more in circumstances,
in fact than in proof?but Jones thought it
would do to stare upon, particularly as he
had concluded to offer a reward of ten dollars
to any mau, woman or child, who would furnish
conclusive evidence of the fact?the person
so furnishing the evidence to be released
from all suits and actions of every nature
arising out of the transaction. This reward
and release was afterwards reduced to
writing, and publicly circulated all over
Buzzardtown, and, finally, filed with Squire
Bumbleton, with the ten dollars, for the benfit
of whom "it might concern."
This man was Hoscraft?Jo Hoscraft?
between whom and Jones a feud long existed,
as bitter as between the Egyptians and Israelites.
Jones knew that Hoscraft "must?
have?kill'd?that?'ere dog !" aud Jones declared
this with great emphasis. He had no !
legal proof against Hoscraft?but, "then, of;
course, Hoscraft killed the dog?nobody else :
could have killed his dog. and, therefore, he !
employed Mike Briar, a Buzzardtown petti- j
fogger, to bring the suit against Hoscraft be- i
fore Squire Bumbleton ; and suit was accor- j
diogly brought, Jones pledgiug himself to I
carry it to the Supreme Court of the United i
States?but "he'd nail him if it cost twenty j
farms!"
Mike Briar was a character?he was a cri- j
er, a pettifogger, a horse-trader, politician, i
general counsellor, &c\, &c.?a kind of I
walking omnium gatherum. His dress was !
full of the man?his clothes seemed to have j
caught a part of his soul?and had become i
electrified from sparks through his body, j
His hat rim turned up in front, and ran off;
behind like a roof?his eyes shot up on a line
with his hat rim, and when he walked his |
whole body seemed to be pushing after Ids :
eyes, as if he was in danger of going out of
his suspenders. He moved and spoke by j
jerks, and was as busy all over the settlement, I
day and night, as the old fellow is said to be i
in a thunder storm.
We have already spoken of Squire Bum- j
bleton, of his qualities, and the weight of his j
grunt. But the Squire was very stubborn on '
the "bench," withal, and was never known to i
be moved from his position. Reasons he ;
never gave. His decisions were brevity it- j
self?as for instance, "motion's squush'd!" j
"thatare's rul'd down !" "'jection ain't good !" j
j "won't hear that proof!" "'taint legal!" "that's ;
all stuff!" hut lie never was known to cut
short an argunteut, if it was opened upon j
him fur the fiftieth time, during which he j
slept and smoked by turns.
The great Buzzardtown law suit, at last, [
came off. It did seem as if Jones' dog
: was about to have justice done hint. The day
i was dedicated, by man, woman and child, to
I the occasion, and Squire Bumbleton's office
was packed, inside and out, long before the
j hour had arrived. The Jones men and the
1 Hoscraft men were on the ground, "cocked
aud prim'd," to use there own language.
Several side fights occurred, as a kind of
preliminary exercise to the action in prospect,
between different faetionists, about matters in
controversy and not in controversy. One
| very serious one upon the point: whether the
! ball entered the near side or off side of
the dog's head ? which was forever unsettled,
as the ball had passed through the dog's
head. A number of persoual issues were up
afqesh, that were supposed to be dead and
buried. Brown knocked over Bentley, because
Bentley told Brown, three yeara before,
that he lied. True, they had both forgotten
it, until the dog war had aroused it with interest.
Clark told Nappin his boy was a thief;
Nappin kicked Clark ; and Switzler, Clark's
friend, and a member of the same faction,
kicked Nappin because Nappin kicked Clark ;
I and Snooks, Nappiu's friend, "laid out" Switz;
ler, to "prevent a general row," he said?
loudly calling for a peace officer all the
tlma naoaa ImWOVPr hpincr t.llft VeTV laSt
thing Snooks wanted.
Mike Briar's declaration, filed before Squire
Burableton, was a very threatening and fearful
instrument. It bristled all over. It set
forth, among other things, that Hoscraft, "by
iostergation of the devil (Mike's orthography
was his own), and agin the peace and dignity
of tho people, and with malis foretho't with
a gun, pistle, 'nife, club, stick, stone, or some
other dangerous thing, shot, cut, knocked,
smashed, or in some other way, killed Jones'
dog, to Jones' damage of one hundred dollars."
Mike had picked this -all out from
precedents of indictments and declarations,
so as to make it strong, as he said. He had
ten counts, but the whole were substantially
the same ; but Mike wanted his papers "lawyer-like."
"Old Dot and go-one" put in the plea.
This was a name the defendant's attorney had
acquired in Buzzardtown. He was a woodenlegged
man?a superanuated justice, who was
somewhat in years, and he had taken to the
"bar." He practiced at all the "bars" in the
country?before the landlords and the justices?and
was equally able at either.
Mike Briar called up the suit and opened
the case, and put Tabitha Tweedle on the
stand. She was a woman of about fifty
years of age, raw-boned, took snuff incessantly,
and evidently had a story to tell.
"Know Jones ?" inquired Mike.
"Yees," answered Tabitha.
"Hoscraft?"
"Yees."
"The dog ?"
"Yees."
"Well, what do you know about the dog?"
"Object to that!" exclaimed attorney for
defendant ; "the dog ain't no party here."
After a long argument, Bumbleton decided
that the dog was a "kinder party" to the suit.
"Wal," continued Tabitha, "you want to
know all 'bout Jones, and Hoscruft, and
that 'ere dog. To begin, then : Mrs. Jones
and old Mrs. Brown?Mrs. Jones, you know,
was a Curtis 'fore she got married ; old Sim
Curtis' darter?lived down on the Mohawk ;
! 1 1 iL. I
that is, i\lrs. Jones uvea aowu ou me iuohawk
; the darter was born iu Buzzardtown;
let me see, she must be twenty-five years old,
enymost?and as I was saying, Mrs. Jones
and old Mrs. Brown?pshaw ! Mrs. Jones
is ruor'n twenty-five years old ; what am I
thinking 'bout, she's thirty, sartin; 'cause
my 'Liza and she's 'bout, of an age, and my
'Liza is?is?is?Mr. Tweedle! Mr. Tweedie!
how old is our 'Liza," inquired the witness,
and the old lady rose from her seat and
peered through the crowd for Mr. Tweedle.
A voice came struggling through the mass
of people, but no Tweedle was seen?"Dun
know!"
"Don't?know?how?old?our 'Liza is!
Dear me !" and Mrs. Tweedle sat down.
"Mrs. Tweedle," exclaimed Mike, "what
do you know about that dog ?"
"Jest coming to that," exclaimed Mrs.
Tweedle. "Don't be iu such a pesky hurry;
let a woman breathe, won't ye ? Mrs. Jones
and old Mrs. Brown "
"Don't say Jones an Brown agin," snapped
out Mike. "Talk about that doy."
Mrs. Tweedle said, "she should tell the
truth, and talk about Jones, or Mrs. Jones,
and all the Joneses, if she wanted to. As I
was sayiug," continued the witness
Briar told the witness to "stop ?"
Squire Bumbleton said she might "go on."
"As I whs saying?Mrs. Jones ami Mrs. |
Brown?that is. Wal, now, thar; you've
jest put me out, and I don't know nothing
where I was. I wish the dog was in Ballyhak.
(Here she took snuff violently.) Wal
at any rate," said she, rallying, "the dog is
dead, that's a fact; and Mrs. Quipes told me ,
that Cinda Clark told her "
"No hearsay evidence here!" cried old
Dot-and-go-one.
"No hearsay ! no hear-say evidence !" repeated
Mrs. Tweedle?"can't tell what you've
heerd; 'taiu't la', ha ! then I guess you can j
do your own swearin', I shan't. I didn't see j
no dog killed." And Mrs. Tweedle took j
another pinch of snuff, blew a significant blast ;
from her nose, and left the stand, muttering to |
herself, "Can't tell what you've heer'd !"
"Hurrah for old Mrs. Tweedle!" cried
two or three of the Jones pary, as she retired
under flying colors.
Squire Bumbleton started up from a doze,
filled his pipe afresh during the excitement,
gave a grunt, shifted his legs, and leaning
back, tranquilly blew out long jets of smoke
from the right corner of his mouth.
Joe Racket was the next witness called.
Joe was a "swift witness," in every sense of
the word. He came driving through the
multitude, and presenting himself before the
magistrate, with his hat and overcoat on,
raised his right hand and exclaimed: "Go
ahead, squire!"
"Name?" inquired Bumbleton.
"Joseph W. Racket?VV. stands for Waters?Joseph
Waters Racket?mother was a
Waters?'iotig'd to York State Waters?
Sch'harie Waters "
"Tliat'll do," said the Squire.
Joe was sworn, and before the oath was
fully administered, he launched out like an
arrow, without waiting for any questions, as
follows:
"Know Jones?know Hoscraft?live clus
near one another?Jones young man, Hoscraft
old?have seed the dog?part bull, part
terrier?good for cows, had for sheep?Jones
and Hoscraft quarrel'd 'bout geese?Hoscraft's
geese came home picked?Hoscraft
said Jones picked 'em?Jones said it was an
infernal lie?was down to Hoscraft's tother
night?said I to Hoscraft, said I, how do you
and Jones make it now tm
"Hold on /" exclaimed old Dot-and-go-one,
in a voice of thunder.
"No, he didn't," continued Racket?"didn't
say nothing 'bout holdin' on?Hoscraft and
Jones never did hold on?they were going it.
Said he?that is, said Hoscraft?said he to
me, 'after the old sort'?fire and tow all the
"while, said I?'and there'll be more fire than
tow by-aud-by,' said he?and that is all I
know?got an ap/nntment down at Deersville
at 2 o'clock?half past one now?witness
fees a quarter'spose?Squire can credit that."
1 Whereupon Racket made a dive for the door;
I but the defendant's attorney, who had become
magnetized with wonder, having recovered,
called him buck for cross-examination.
Old Dut-and go-one might as well have attempted
to cross examine a streak of lightning.
Racket, in answer to his questions,
only told the old 6tory over again, word for
word ; and he was finally abandoned.
Sim Peters came next.
"What do you know about Jones'dog?"
inquired Mike.
"Don't know nothin' 'bout Jones' dog, nor
nobody else's dog?never take notis to dogs?
ain't no kind of a dog man, no how?if
I it bad bin'a bos', now, I'd been at home?then
I could er spread myself like an eagle?but
dogs ! I ain't nothin' on that. Can't do you
any good, Squire?no use." And Sim left the
stand.
Mrs. Culpepper was introduced.
"She didn't know much about dogs, nuther
; but she guessed she knowed the Pikes,
and if any of them critters was going to be
j sworn on this 'ere trial?(Here old Pike
j screamed out, 'take care old 'oman?have you
: jugged up, fust thing you know. Better mind
I your p's and q's.') Mrs. Culpepper rather
tho't she knowed what she knowed ; and
she should say it, too, if Beelzebub stood
at the door. No Pike could scare her?
she warn't afeard of a hull array of 'em,
not she?so he could jist stop his yelling
at her while she was a swearin': and she
i . . . ? % ' T>M
would say that if any one or them ere ntces
were goin' to be sworn, she was on hand for
'em?loaded."
Mike inquired what she knew about the
dog.
"Wal," said Mrs. C., "I didn't come for
that, and can't swear 'bout the dog ! She
was a 'Pike' witness; and if she was wanted,
they would find her thar, every time."
Many more witnesses were sworn, but they
| did not throw any ray of light on the case.
; At last, a rough, knotty-looking specimen of
humanity was called, known as Bill Weevil.
His hands were in Ins breeches pockets, his
mouth full of tobacco, his hair in confusion,
and he occasionally hitched up his pantaloons
that had worked down so far that his shirt
had bulged out between them and his vest.
After the reward of ten dollars had become
public, Bill had managed to get his name on
the subpoena as a witness; for he knew that
he was the man to 'carry off the succors'?to
use his language?when lie was first informed
of the tempting bait set before him.
Bill came on with a coufident swagger, was
sworn, and took his seat, revolving his quid
rapidly around his mouth.
Mike Briar wanted to know if he knew
anything about that dog.
"I should?rather?think?I did," answered
Weevil, slowly and deliberately, looking
at the ceiliug, and stretching out his feet full,
length.
"Out with it," continued Mike.
"Pie was shot," said Weevil.
"Know'd that afore," said Mike. "Who
shot him ?"
Bill thought a moment. "Squire," said he,
at last, "that is a sorter leadin' question?
don't know 'bout anssverin'."
" You're safe!" said Burableton ; "ten dollars
reward, and a general release of all action
against you."
"Jest so," replied Bill. "Money on hand,
Squire ?"
"All on deposit, and gold at that."
"Who?shot?the?dog ?" muttered Bill,
slowly. "Jest let me see that'ere money, and
that other what do you call it."
Rnuire Bumbleton Dut the naner and the
~ J ?~ " " ~ t4 A
money into the hands of the witness.
"Who shot that dog?" muttered Bill again.
"Yes," roared a do$en. "Out with it?tell
or say you can't."
"Wal," said Bill, "Ishot him !"
The whole court-room was in an uproar in
a moment?the Hoscraft faction screaming at
the top of their lungs, the Joneses swearing,
Mike Briar sitting half-paralyzed, old Dotand-go-one
stamping with his wooden leg,
and Squire Bumbleton grunting and scratching
his head ; in the midst of which Bill
Weevil "shot the pit," with his ten dollars and
release of all actions.
But it is a question to-day whether Bill
Weevil shot Jones' dog or not.
^lisfcUantfous fUadrog.
GUITEAU'S CONFESSION.
His Story of President Garfield's Assassination.
The New York Herald of Thursday, contained
seven closely printed columns of what
purports to be an autobiography of Guiteau,
the assassin of President Garfield, as dictated
by him to a stenographer, the narrative being
condensed, it is alleged, to one-third of the
actual amount of matter as taken down, in a
series of interviews, from Guiteau's own lips.
His story of the assassination, or, as he prefers
to style it, "the removal of the President,"
is one of the most cold blooded accounts of a j
dreadful crime that has ever been put on pa-!
per. "My idea, simply stated," he remarks,
"was to remove, as easily as possible, Mr.
Jame3 A. Garfield, a quiet and good-natured
citizen of Ohio, who temporarily occupied
the position of President of the United States,
and substitute in his place Mr. Chester A.
Arthur, of New York, a distinguished and
highly estimable gentleman. Mr. Garfield, I
intended to quietly remove to paradise (which
is a great improvement on this world), while
Mr. Arthur saved the republic." And he
adds: "Not a soul in the universe knew of
my purpose to remove the President. If it
has failed I shall never attempt it again.
My motive was purely political and patriotic,
and I acted under Divine pressure. It was
the same kind of pressure that led Abraham
to sacrifice his sou Isaac."
All that part of his uarrative relating to
his genealogy, his sojourn with the Oneida
Company, his shiftless life in Chicago and
New York, hi3 law studies and subsequent
practice, his joining several churches in sucj
cession, his career as a religious lecturer, and
' finally as a politician, we pass over as being
I already generally known to the public. The
profound interest of his confession centres
i about his motives for assassinating the Presi|
dent, and the series of attempts he made to
j accomplish his purpose prior to firing the fatal
shot. After giving an accouut of his ap|
plication for either the Austriau mission or
; the Paris consulship, and the little satisfaction
; he obtained either from President Garfield or
; Secretary .Blaine, in respect to these appointments,
he asserts that the rebuffs he met with
| "had not the slightest influence on him either
; one way or another in reterence to his removi
ing the President." He came, he said, to the
j bloody determination pending the answer to
his request for the Paris consulship, and for
several weeks after being denied an interview
: with the President he did not press his application
either to him or Mr. Blaine. In the
meantime, according to his story, he was
! brooding over the quarrel that had broken
i out between the Stalwarts and the Half breeds
; in consequence of the resignation by Mr.
j Coukliug of his seat in the Senate. At this
; point we follow closely the narrative.
TIIIS CONCEPTION OF TIIE CRIME.
"My conception of the idea of removing
the President was this: Mr. Conkling rei
signed Monday, May 16, 1881. On the folI
lowing Wednesday I was in bed. I thiuk I
j retired about 8 o'clock. I felt depressed and
! perplexed on account of the political situai
tion, and I retired much earlier than usual,
j I felt wearied in mind and body, and was in
I my bed about 9 o'clock, and was thinking
i over the political situation, when the idea
flashed through ray brain that if the President
was out of the way everything would
go better. At first this was a mere impression.
It startled rae, but the next morning
it came to rae with renewed force, and I began
to read the papers with ray eye on the
possibility that the President would bave to
go, and the more I read the more I saw the
complication of public affairs, the more was I
impressed with the necessity of removing him.
This thing continued for about two weeks. I
kept reading the papers and kept being impressed,
and the idea kept bearing and bearing
down upon me that the only way to unite
the two factions of the Republican party and
save the republic from going into the hands of
the Rebels and Democrats was to quietly remove
the President.
"Two weeks after I conceived the idea ray
mind was thoroughly settled on the intention
to remove the President. I then prepared
myself. I sent to Boston for a copy
of my book, "The Truth," and I spent ^a
week in preparing that. I cut out a paragraph
and a line and a word here and there
and added one or two new chapters, put some
new ideas in it, and greatly improved it. I
knew that it would probably have a large
sale, on account of the uotoriety that the act
of removing the President would trive rae. and
" " # ~ * a " " o ?
I wished the book to go out to the public in
proper shape. That was oue preparation for
it. Another preparation was to think the
matter all out in detail and to buy a revolver
and to prepare myself for executing the idea.
This required some two or three weeks, and I
gave my entire time and mind in preparing
myself to execute the conception of removing
the President. I never mentioned the conception
to a living soul. I did most of my
thinking in the park and on the street, and I
used to go the Arlington and theRiggs House
daily to read the papers.
"After I had made up my mind to remove
him, the idea when I should remove him
pressed me, and I was somewhat confused on
that. I knew that it would not do to go the
White House and attempt it, because there
were too many of his employees about, and I
looked about for several days to try and get
a good chance at him, and oue Sunday (the
Sunday before he went to Long Branch) I
went to his church in the morning. It is a
small frame building, and I stood thereat the
door a moment. I was a little late ; the services
had progressed about one-third. I noticed
the President sitting near'an open window,
about three feet from the ground, and I
thought to myself, 'that would be a good
chance to get him.' I intended to shoot him
through the back of the head and let the ball
pass through the ceiling,- in order that no one
else should be injured ; and there could not
possibly be a better place to removo a man
than at his devotions. I had my revolver in
my possession when I first went to the church,
having purchased it about ten days before
the President's going to Long Branch. This
was the Sunday prior to his leaving for Long
Branch on Saturday. During that whole
week I read the papers carefully. I thought
it all over in detail. I thought just what
people would talk, and thought ?what a tremendous
excitement it would create, and I
kept thinking about it all the week. I made
up my mind that the next Sunday I would
certainly shoot him if he was in church and
I got a good chance at him. Thursday of
the same week I noticed in the papers that he
was going to Long Branch, and on the fol
lowing Saturday lie did go to the .branch ior
Mrs. Garfield's health. I went to the depot
all prepared to remove hira. I had the revolver
with me. I had all my papers nicely
prepared. I spoke to a man about a carriage
to take me, as I told him, over near the Congressional
Cemetery. He said that he would
take me for ?2, and seemed to be a very
clever fellow and glad to get the job. I got
to the depot about 9 o'clock, and waited there
until the President's White House carriage
drove up." He did not kill him at that time,
he says, "because he did not have theheait to
fire while Mrs. Garfield was with him, clinging
tenderly to his arm." Learning that the
President was to return on the following
Monday, Guiteau went again to the depot to
watch for him, but when the President reached
there so many people were about him that
the time did not seem opportune. All that
week, however, he says he watched for him
and tried at various times to get a shot at
him, but did not succeed. How he dogged
hira everywhere, day by day, is minutely
told. Finally he heard from the papers that
the President was going to Long Branch on
Friday, and we give at this point his own
narrative of what befell :
"I took my breakfast," he said "at the
Riggs House about 8 o'clock. I ate well
and felt well in body and mind. I went into
Lafayette Square and sat there some little
time after breakfast, waiting for 9 o'clock to
come, and then I went to the depot, and I
got there about ten minutes after 9. I rode
there from the park in a 'bob-tailed' car. 1
left the car, walked up to a bootblack, got
my boots blacked, and inquired for a man
named John Taylor, whom, two weeks before,
I had spoken to about taking me out toward
Congressional Cemetery. They told me that
T? vlnr'n rmrriiifre was not there, and there
- ?j - ~ - - -o- '
were three or four hack men there who were
very anxious to serve me, and finally I noticed
a colored man, and I asked him, 'What
will you lake me out to the Congressional
Cemetery for?' He says, 'Well, I will take
you out "there for 82.' 'All right,' said I, 'if
I want to use you I will let you know.' At
that moment these two hackmeu were pressing
me to get my business and I said to
them, 'Keep quiet; you are too fast on this,'
and I told this colored man privately that if
I wanted his services I would let him know
in few minutes. I then went into the depot
and took my private papers which I intended
for the press, (including a revised edition of
my book, 'The Truth, a Companion to the
Bible,') and stepping into the news stand
asked the young mun in charge if I could
leave those papers with him for a few moments,
and he said 'Certuinly;' and he took
: them and placed them up against the wall on
top of some other papers. This was about
j twenty minutes after 9, and I went into the
I ladies' waiting room and I looked around ;
! saw there were quite a good many people
| there in the depot and carriages outside, but
j I did not see the President's carriage. I ex;
amiued my revolver to see that it was all
j right, and took off the paper that I had wrap:
ped around it, to keep the moisture off. I
! wuited five or six minutes longer, sat down
i on a seat in the ladies' room, and very soon
1 the President drove up. He was in cora!
pany with a gentleman who, I understand,
was Mr. Blaine, and I am satisfied that he
! was Mr. Blaine, although I did not recog|
nize him. This gentleman looked very old,
and he had a peculiar kind of headgear on,
; that I did not recognize as that of Mr. Blaine,
i I am satisfied that it was Mr. Blaine, now
, that my attention has been especially called
| to it, because it was the same gentleman that
i I saw with the President the night before,
! and I know positively that that gentleman
I was Mr. Blaine. The President and this
j gentleman drove up in a plain single seated
I carriage, with one horse. This gentleman, I
think, was driving. It" was a single carriage?a
single seated top-buggy. The President
seemed to be in a very earnest and private
conversation with this gentleman, who
i evidently was Mr. Blaine, although at the
time I did not recognize him as Mr. Blaine.
They sat in the carriage I should say some
two minutes; they had not completed their
conversation when they reached the depot,
i and during the interview of two minutes they
finished their conversation. During this
time they were engaged in very earnest and
private conversation, as I have said. The
President got out on the pavement side and
Mr. Blaine on the other side. They entered
the ladies' room; I stood there watching the
President and they passed by me. Before
they reached the depot I had been promenading
up and down the ladies' room between
the ticket office door and the news st^nd door,
a space of some ten or twelve feet. I walked
up and down there I should say two or three
times, working myself up, as I knew the
hour was at hand. The President and Mr.
Blaine came into the ladies' room and walked
right by me; they did not notice me, as there
were quite a number of ladies and children
in the room.
* 1 /? i* 1 .
"There was quite a large crowa 01 ucaet
purchasers at the gentlemen's ticket office in
the adjoining room ; the depot seemed to be
quite full of people. There was quite a crowd
and commotion around, and the President was
in the act of passing from the ladies' room to
the main entrance through the door. I should
say he was about four or five feet from the
door nearest the ticket office, in the act of
passing through the door to get through the
depot to the cars. He was about three or
four feet from the door. I stood five or six
feet behind him, right in the middle of the
room, and as he was in the act of walking
away from me I pulled out the revolver and
fired. He straightened up and threw his
head back, and seemed to be perfectly bewildered.
He did not eeem to know what struck
him ; he did not drop ; I thereupon pulled
again. He dropped his head, seemed to reel,
and fell over. I do not know where the first
shot hit; I aimed at the hollow of his back ;
I did not aim for any particular place, but I
knew if I got those two bullets in his back he
would certainly go. I was in a diagonal direction
from the President, to the north-west,
and supposed both shots struck."
What followed after this has been so often
told that it is not necessary to repeat it.
ARRAIGNMENT OP THE PRISONER.
Guiteau was araigned on Tuesday of last
week. He was conveyed to the court in the
iron clad wagon used to carry specie to the
United States treasury, and was guarded by
a platoon of soldiers. No witnesses for the
defence were summoned, as the prisoner
pleads insolvency and under the law, in such
cases the Government summons and pays
the expenses of all witnesses within one hundred
miles of the court. Although the prisoner
has been formally arraigned, it is not
probable that the trial will begin for several
days. Mr. Scoville, Guiteau's counsel, visited
him at the jail on the day before his arraignment,
and after consultation with him
had decided to ask Mr. R. T. Merrick to aid
him in the conduct of the defence. Should
Merrick accept he would be given entire
charge, with leave to call in additional counsel
if he saw fit.
"WITNESSES FOR THE DEFENCE.
?*ai? j-vrt a ntr ntnnn f a oonil fq tt 1 f _
xiavc j\ju laacu atij oi^po tu ?i*w~
nesses, Mr. Scoville?" asked the correspondent.
"Not yet. I have not means to defray the
expense of bringing witnesses to Washington,
and, as the government is compelled by law
to bring witnesses for the prisoner living
within one hundred miles of the court house,
I shall exercise that right, as Guiteau cannot
afford to pay them. It is provided that
witnesses beyond that distance can give their
deposition, and I can undertake that task
without being compelled to expend a very
large sum of money. I have no money to
pay for counsel, but will ask the Court to assign
the gentleman to the case that Guiteau
asks for. While talking with him Monday,
I suggested the name of Colonel Robert G.
Ingersoll as his lawyer. The prisoner's eyes
dropped, and he said: 'That would array
the whole Christian world against me, for
they would say that I had to get an infidel
to defeud me. No he won't do. I want Mr.
Merrick."'
COURSE OF THE DEFENCE.
"Suppose Mr. Merrick should be unable to
assist you, what then ?"
"I would conduct the case according to the
best of my ability. I would put Guiteau on
the stand as the first witness for tbe defence,
and let the Court and jury judge by his ac,
lions aud conversation whether or not he is
insane. Let any body of experts or professional
men hear him talk and there would be
but one opinion on the question of insanity."
"Thus far what steps have you taken ?"
"I have secured several letters written by
him in 1859 and 1860 which will show the
j state of his mind at that time. He joined
the Oneida Community in 1860, and I have
now a letter written by him during the summer
of that year showing his inclination on
religious matters. He has constantly gone
astray on the subject of religion, and it is to
this cause that I ascribe his trouble to day.
To-day I received a package of letters from
my wife which she and I had received from
Guiteau at different times, and I shall use
them in evidence."
"How does the prisoner receive your counsel
?"
j "He is very obstinate, and I have to yield
to him when he requests me to do anything
in his case. It is useless to attempt to argue
with him, for he makes up his mind to a thing
and sticks to it."
STATEMENT OF THE ASSASSIN.
"Tr ? > : ?
I "XiatJ XltJ glVCIJ ^UU txuj jjapcio VI otaic*
I ments since you have visited him ?"
j "Yes, yesterday, before I left him, Ire gave
j me the following statement:
"a statement."
j "I have been terribly villified by the press
and it has made some people bitter and im|
pulsive against me, but time will righten that.
, I expect to issue a book shortly, wherein I
; shall show the President's wrecking the Repub1
lican party last spring by the unwise use of
: patronage which would have resulted in anothj
er war and that the Lord inspired me to remove
him to keep the Republican party intact and
j save the nation another heart-rending and des|
dating war. The breach last spring in the
; Republican party was widening week by
| week and I foresaw a civil war. My inspira;
tion was to remove the President and close
i the breach at once before it got so wide that
j nothing but a civil war could close it. The
| Divine pressure on me to remove the PresiI
wnaan enormous that I had to do it. even
if I bad beeu shot dead the next moment,
and the Lord took special pains to confirm
my act by the gradual way He allowed the
President to depart. This case should be
: judged by the condition of politics in May
and June, when I conceived the idea of re!
moving the President, and not by the feeling
' now. The President's removal has saved the
j nation another war and the people will recogl
nize this fact as soon as they recover their
heads. "Charles Gciteau."
"United States Jail, Washington, D. C.,
Oct. 6, 1881."
ANOTHER PAPER.
Mr. Scoville continued : "There is another
i paper that I have in my possession, which
the prisoner dictated to me yesterday. You
i remember that it has been stated that the day
' of the shooting, a few minutes before the act
was committed, Guiteau handed a package to
the news agent at the depot and requested
him to keep it a few minutes. After his arrest
the package was taken possession of by
District Attorney Corkhill. In ppeaking to
Guiteau about it he said be remembered perfectly
well what the package contained,
and at his dictation I wrote the following,
which he assured me was correct:
"'Washington, D. C., June 16,1881.
" *To the American People:
" 'I conceived the idea of removing the
Pres'lent about four weeks ago. I conceived
the idea myself and kept it to myself. Not a
soul in the universe knew of my purpose to
remove the President. It was my own conception
and execution. I read the papers
carefully for and against the administration,
and gradually the conviction settled on me
that the President's removal was a political
necessity because be proved a traitor to the.
men that made him and thereby imperilled
the Republic, At the last presidential election
the Republican party carried every
Northern State. To-day, owing to the misconduct
of the President and his Secretary of
State, they could not carry one. They certainly
could not carry New York, which is
the pivotal State. Ingratitude is the basest
of crimes. That the President, under the
manipulations of his Secretary of State, has
been guilty of the basest ingratitude to the
stalwarts admits of no denial. The express
purpose of the President has been to crush
Gen. Grant and Senator Conkling and thereby
prepare the way for his nomination in
1884. In the President's madness he has
wrecked the once grand old Republican party
and for this he dies. The men that saved
the Republican party must govern it and not
tbe men who sought its life. I have no illwill
toward the President. This is not murder
; it is a political necessity ; it will make
my friend Arthur President and save tbe
Republic. Grant, during tbe war, sacrificed
thousands of lives to save tbe Republic. I
have sacrificed only one. I shot the President
as I would a rebel if I saw him pulling
down the American flag. I leave my justification
to God and the American people.
Charles Guiteau.' "
addition to the letter.
"Two days later, Guiteau made the following
addition to the letter:
" 'Washington, D. C., June 18, 1881.
" 'I intended to remove the President this
morning and went to the Baltimore depot,
-1 t _!iL If
but be came into me aepot wno uiru. vrarfield
leaning on bis arm, and I concluded to
remove him when he was alone. It will be
no worse for Mrs. Garfield, dear soul, to part
from her husband in this way than by natural
death. He is liable to go at any time,
anyway.' Charles Guiteau.' "
"Another postscript read as follows :
" 'Washington, D. C., June 20, 1881.
" 'The President's nomination was an act
of God. The President's election was an act
of God. The President's removal was an act
of God. I am clear in my purpose to remove
the President. Two objects will be accomplished.
It will unite the Republican
party and save the Republic, and it will create
a large demand for my book, 'The Truth.'
This book was written to save souls and not
for money, and the Lord wants .to save souls
by circulating this book.'
I Charles Guiteau.'"
GUITEAU's CONDITION.
"My idea," said Mr. Scoville, in publishing
j these statements, "is to let the Deople see and
judge for themselves as to the condition of
Guiteau. Heretofore it has been telegraphed
all over the country that Guiteau had made
certain statements to the officers at the jail,
but nothing that emanated directly from him
was permitted to get out. I do not intend to
deceive him, when he gives me a document of
any kind for a person ; be he high or low, I
shall deliver it if possible."
A Washington dispatch of the 12th says
that Mr. Scoville, in reply to questions asked
him, stated that he had not yet received any
answer from Gen. Butler as to whether he
would act as counsel for defense, that the
statement already published as to Mr. Merrick
expressing a willingness to argue the
question of jurisdiction (if raised) is correct;
that he has been advised by distinguished
lawyers all over the country, including sev
eral judges, to raise every question and make
every poiDt that can properly be made on
behalf of his client; that such is also the express
instruction of Guiteau, and that he
(Scoville) has no apprehension of personal
violence being offered to the prisoner on his
way to or from or in court. It is stated that
the District Judges have also expressed their
desire that all legitimate and proper questions
in the case shall be raised and fully argued.
What is an Inch of Rain ??An inch of
rain is that quantity which, falling upon a
level surface and not absorbed or allowed to
run off, stands one inch in depth.^ The
amount of water falling upon an acre of
ground when the rainfall is one inch would
astonish any one who has given no thought
to the subject. On each square foot of surface
there would be 144 cubic inches, and on
one acre, which contains 43,560 square feet,
| there would be 6,272,640 cubic inches, which,
1 reduced to imperial gallons, each containg 10
i poundit avoirdupois, would be 22,623 gali
ions, weighing 226,230 pounds, something
! more than 113 tons to the acre. The annual
| average rainfall in this locality approximates
50 inches, consequently each acre receives
about 5.655J tons weight of water in a year.
This amount of water would require 265
freight cars to carry it. If one had to water
! a 640 acre farm at this rate, it would require
! figures like those of the distance to the near!
est fixed star.?Augusta News.
I The Czae's Daily Peril.?Advices from
l St. Petersburg state that the roost comprehenI
sive measures have been taken for the safety
i of the Annitchkoff Palace, the Czar's favorj
ite St. Petersburg residence. A subterranean
j passage has been constructed all around the
palace, which can be patrolled by sentinels
I and immediately placed under water. The
j Czar is negotiating for the purchase of various
houses surrounding the palace. Twenty
pupils of the Constantine Military School
have been arrested. Many Nihilist proclamations
were found on them. The Russian
authorities, in view of the fact, are adopting
the severest measures. Markets and fairs are
prohibited wherever there is the least suspicion
that the Nihilists intend to use Buch
| gatherings for their own purposes.
j t&7* On the edge of a small river in the
county of Cavan, in Ireland, there is a stone
with the following strange inscription, no
doubt intended for the information of strangers
traveling that way: "N. B. When this
stone is out of sight, it is not safe to ford the
river." But this is still surpassed by the
famous post erected a few years since, by
(the surveyors of the Kent roads, in England :
"This is the bridle-path to Feversham ; if you
can't read this you had better keep the maiu
road."