The Orangeburg news. (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, September 12, 1874, Image 2
THE WRONG PILLAR-BOX.
Mrs. Twillot was originally ^1 tss
JOKradiu- Fusscll, with whom it was the
destiny or Mr. Bygvavc to fall in love.
Though ho was far from handsome,
Eleanor Fessel 1 gradually fell a tender
regard for hi hi ; ana being aware that
ho had, as has been said, a competency,
she allowed that tender regard to wax
stronger, until she many a time caught
herself sighing and thinking, 'Oh, 1
wish he would prop s i!'
V< ell, he did propn.se; and yet she
became Mrs. Twillct.
Now, it chanced upon a day. or rather
night, that Mr. and Mrs. Fussel I loll
n talking, as anxious parents will do,
nbout the prospect of their children,
and, especially, the lovely FJcaubr.
'.Nelly's rather hard to please, 1 fear,'
said Mr. Fusscll, with the sigh ol a pro
fessiotial man having limited means and
a largo family, but with tho cliu dele also
.-oi an indulgent father pivmd ol'his
daughter's personal attractions.
'Not so hard asyou think, ycrliaps,'
rejoined Mrs. Fusscll, siguilioantly.
'What d'ye moan V asked Mr. Fus
sell, petulantly.
'Nelly's n dear, good girl, without
?any nonsense,' said tho mother,
scntcntiously.
'What's that to do with it?' observed
the father, angrily.
'A great deal, my dear,' responded
the mother, patronizingly. 'Nelly has
?admitted to me that she very much
prefers Bygrave. Ai d 1 must tell you.
when he was down here he was hanging
about Nelly in the most absurd manner,
and making her nil sorts of presents '
'He must be brought to book,' said
Mr. Fusscll, with determination. 'I
shall have to go to town in a few days,
and I shall ? all ujoii him at his cham
bers. 1 shaii give him every opportun
ily of speaking out like a man, and il
he fights shy X*II speak to him 1 can't
. have my Nelly trifled with.'
'Take care you don't spoil matters,'
observed Mrs. Fusscll, waruingly. -You
men nie ?ocluui-y ; my opinion is that.
Mr. Bygr?vo is very timid and difii lent
about his personal nppcaraneui t'th nigh
I did tell him, so far as pretty p'am
bints c::n be calico ^\ilin?r, 'bath ? hj 1 I
rioth'ltig to fear on thai score. Depend
upon it, ho will propose'in d ia lim-', i*
-you keep your awkward lingers out of
the pie.'
'If he doesn't. I'll know the reason
?why,' observed Mr. Fusscll in con
elusion.
And he did propose. In fact, he had
already proposed tit the very time when
be formed the topic ol'conversation be
tweet! the father and m it her ot his be
loved and loving Hlea.ior. AaJ t!io
titiie was April 1, 13?.
Noyettliclcss, within twelvemonths
of that proposal, though there was no
quarrel aud no change in Ry grave's
?circumstances, Eleanor Fu-soll li.'umi e
the wilo of James Twilictt, a bauds j.n 0
man enough, but, in ot her respects, no
more to be 00 ui pa red with John Bvgr.iv?
than a Satyr wit"; Hyperion. Above
?11, Twilictt hadn't a competency ; he
was a young professional man, with fair
prospects, certainly with but little or
nothing beyond the m\>eeeds of bis p o
fessiou.
And why was it tint Nelly never told
even her toother of (lie proposal made
to her by Bygrave? Until jho b oca mo
Mrs. Twilictt, she never mentioned that
proposal either to her mother or to any
?other living soul.
Mr. Fusscll was as good as his word.
When he paid his due visit to to.vn, ho
called at Bygrave's chambers. The
black door wns inhospitably shut, an 1
on it was pasted r. piece of paper, bear
ing upon it some written characters.
Mr, Fusscll, who was near sighted, ad
justed his glasses, went close up to the
door, read the handwritting upon tin;
wall, was for the moment struck dumb,
and, so soou as ho recovered tho use of
his tongue, made use of severe exprcs
sions. What ho read was: '(Jone to
Jericho; return in about eighteen
months.' That was nil, except the
chrrnic notice in white letters upon the
back door, to the rlfect that 'messages
and parcels' were 'to be left at tho boa 1
porter's lodge' To that lodge .Mr.
Fusscll atouco repaired.
'Mr. Bygrave appears to have gone
abroad V said he, interrogatively, to the
porlcr.
?Gone to Jericho, sir,'answered the
porlcr pleasantly; 'for a little outing,
tdr ; coniin' home by way of Afriky 111
about eighteen mouths. Letters not to
bo forwarded. Any message, sir '{'
'Dour me 1' replied Mr Fusscll, but
not to the question : 'it must have been
very sudden !'
?Mr. Bygrave's a rather suudenish
gentleman, sir,' nsscutcd the porter
with a. sniilo. ' I've known him to come
home lato from the Derby on a Wednes
day night, and be oil curly next morn,
in', just lenviu' a note for his laundress
to "say, that, if anybody call?, he's gone
to Both'leni fo* a week or two.'
'Bcth'em,' muttered Mr. Fusscll ;
*&nd a very proper place for him. But,'
he continued, in a louder tone, '1 .sup
pose you don't know why be sjiuuld have
gone to Jericho just now ?'
?No, sir, J d< n't know exactly,' replied
tlio good humored portor. 'IJut I can
gums why he's gone to ?) erielto.'
Mr, Fussoll said nothing, but looked
expectant.
'You soo, sir,' continued tho porter,
! more confidentially, 'Mr. By grave's
most intimate friend is a painter, a
gentleman that paints Scripture sub
jeers, and that's engaged at. present, as
I beard, on a pjeturo of tin; jo in that
fell among thieves j and Mr. Bygravc,
I take it, has gone to pay bis friend a
visit.'
Mr. Fusscll thanked the communioa
tive porter.-and dapirted without, leav
ing any message. For the only message I
ho could think of was. 'Toll him ho was
a villain ;' and the porter was hardly the
proper person to deliver it.
When Mr. Fusscll reached bis home
iu the country town where h s practice i
Iiis profession, lie sought the earliest
opportunity of being closeted with hi-*
wi!e. In the conforcuco that, ensaod
both wer.) utterly pux?.led. How
By'gravc should h ivo hell ivo I ?1 ho d i 1
was incomprehensible. And yet, wiiile
appearing to h ivo Hod from and jilted
their daughter, th ; young tuai had
really prop ised.
Nobody, however, would b ivo guc.-sc I
that he had, to judge from Nelly's he
havior. A face as pile a- a lily, nights
devoid of rest, and pillows wot with
fears followed immediately up?u the
announcement made t.o bor ihr By^r.ivo
had ?.one away; gone, without 0 w ir 1
or letter; gone, alter the sigtiilicun'
j speeches 1)0 had made, secre' ly in her
own car, and openly boi'oro liur fa nily ;
gone, not to return for ui flt'to u n oi Ii ?.
at the least ; gone, leaving a request bo
hind thai letters should not be forward
ed and not leaving iny address to which
they cool! be forwarded Theu.ap
patently, came tha stage of womanly
j pride had just resentment. Ho heart
was soaind indeliblybut her laco ro
covered its ! loom and iis brightness
I And Twillett became tlie aceeptd lover.
Twelve, mouths rolled away, and s!io be
came Mrs. Twillett. The happy honey
moon whs over.; she returned to her
native town to a snug little house on its
oti'skiivs; and in tho very lirifc wok of
her return, m h\\;) rat in her boudoir
waiting fbr her husband to eomo h kiiO, |
?? - -h 4^ -\ '..?:
lathir's. Tlio Ouvelop? w in a larbin:
one, and bore nil add res j which ac
counts lor its having b.-e.n -cut to Ii r
lather's ? Mi-s Flo.in >r Fusscll. Sil i
smiled as she broke open the e ?vor, b i:
the sniil.i was sue ee led by a IVow i a id
a start when she perceived iusile the
Cover a second letter This sjoon i let.
tor was bhiod icd, niidj as Hie looked at
the hand .veiling, soe truai'j-o 1 OKceed
iugly, and a smothered cry ese.ip ! I !i r
white lips.
It may hi roaiotnbcrc 1 th it on ;'.i ;
night ol a certain 1st.of April, 13?,
Mr tuid M s, Fussull h id a umvovUli > i
about th: propriety of bringing Mr
Byi?iiivc t> propoio; whereas dr. By
grave, it was remarked at the ti n.;, Ii id
already proposed. Well, at dusk on
(hut same l.-t of April, a raw country
lad might have I ecu observed in Flo ;
street w ith a letter in his hand, and
staring ami gaping inquiringly ab < it
him. At last a gleam of intelligence
and satisfaction lit up his face,and he
moved hastily toward an iron pillar box.
which Stood by the road-side, and near
which some mischievous youtig Arabs
of the London streets were playing.
?Want a letter box ? Here you are,
my boy ; shove it iu.it that hole at tin
top ' said one of th on. in the most,
friendly an 1 insinuating accents, t> the
country lad.
?Oi know,' replied (he country lad
with a look of superior k iowlad.ro ml
experience, it a he carefully droppo I Hi s
letter in at tho Sllggcsto I hulo, an 1
walked oil' with an air ol salisfao i in
?Ob! you April fool,'shouted the
Arabs after him ; but lie e th:r didn't
know what they meant, or bulicvoJ. in
id being impossible that any boy wh it
ever would infringe- the law which for
bids the making of'April I'oola' after
twelve o'clo.k ut noon. At any rate, he
went his way regardless of sc ills
'Oh, dear! o.i, dear !'screamed l l.e
treacherously friendly Arabs, lutghitig
as ii' heir very sides would burst.;'bo's
hin and gone and put his love lotto; in
the dust-bin; that be li ivo '
As the country lad passed one of the
ureli-Wtiys that lead from Fleet si roet to
the Temple, l.o was brought to a sudden
stand still by a stentorian sh lilt.
'Thomas !' cried u vuiue that made the '
country lad jump.
'Here oi be, Mus'.or Bygre ivo,'
answered Thomas, with a at his
front hair, and a broad grin ut the
gentleman who hid called t< him
?So you've posted my letter V said
the gen Ionian.
'Fes, Muster Boygreavc, oi'vodouo
it,' answered Thomas with unconscious
equivocation
?JBruvo ! Thomas,' rejoined tho gentle
man kindly; 'you've done your lirster
rand in London splendidly. 1 Watched
you I ro in herd ul nost us f.irasthc
pillar box; but. 1 couldn't see quite aiI
tho way. You didn't have any dittioul
ty, I suppose V
' 'Nou, I fund t' pillar, and I popped
un into t' slit tt-top.'
'That's all right; aud I am glud to sco
you look no not'ee of llio.su young|
ragamuffins who scorned to be laughing I
at yen. Now you can go; good-night.'
And away went Thomas with an ex
pros-ion ol unbounded self-content.
Thomas was (ho son, or rather one of
the sons, ol a poor widow who bad lite
ly lost her husband by an acci lent while
Uy grave was on bis visit, to the FtBsclli
and it was only one of those many goinr
ous actions which, parti,- reported ol
him, and partly known ot her o vo know
ledge, bad tended to otid jir bi n to
Kle.uior b'ussell wli bo tin Icrt ?ok id
lind schooling an I n ??no it i in and a
livelihood for Thomas in London But
bow eamo Thomas to he intrusted with
the posting of IJygravc's letter? Why.
thus : The letter was addressed aft sr a
fashion which in ikes most bachelors ?
living in chambers do their posting for
themselves, in order to avoid prying
eyes, significant looks, well m iaut but
offensive eiliisi i n si an 1 tittle tittle; an 1
-o liy? rave ha I isten led to p ist it him
self as be walked down to bis club; but,
having utieuuiitcru'l Thomas io tho very
nick of time, and Thomas not having
yet eaten ol the tree of kn >wl ? Ige so far ]
as io In; able ti de.'ip'iT bin iwritiiig or
even print, h? seized the oecaii in of
giving Tlio nas a lesson in tho art, of
performing a master's behests, lie had I
diieeteJ Thomas to pop tlij lettor into
the first ir n pillar b>x b.? oi no toj he
had watched Tho n:n going the right |
course; bo bad seen Thomas halt clos?
to the very spot where the nearest pillar.
"<>x sioo I; an I ho hid observed with
satis a ?:i) i tint Toon is pro iip'.ly ro
turned, an I disregarded (In many
ebauees tint oil ore 1 of a gamijor a light
with a roan I d >/. n of -.treat-b >ys. lie
was as. s .ti.-!i id ab r.t the safe 1 i Ig neu?
of the Kite.- as if be had dropped it
into the box with his o-.vu hanh; u:: I
he never give it a sec in I lb night.
And within ten days he, to tue great
ustouishmeiit ofiTboui is, started off o.i
a sudJeii to Jorioho.
Ifot us return to Mrs. Twilielt. She
had jiiit strength enough left to tear
?peu the blood red letter and read its
loll ?ws :
A iL 1,
M v iVi?v^t V,--\*?'? ?
' w'ntf i's"""v. . tt~ ; . . . fi , i'hi. ! ttt
were not for the confession f am gowrg
to make, and tliti b ltd rcc|U?St 1 am
about to urge. 1 on rhfc not an 1 1 shoul 1
not d ie to use them. My. concession i
tbat 1 love yon, for love is a word that,
in my vocabulary includes everything
that longer wor Is are gen-rally uvjitl to
express; an 1 ftiy bill I re juo t is ih.it y ui
will he my vvihii Many a time, d i> i:i^
the h 'ppy days I spent at yoursid >, 1
liavn been mi the point oi pleading tny
cause to you by w ? d of in iiith, an 1 us'*
itig for your sentence iipon mo; bu*. I
could ii ?t heir to hear a possible rofosil
.ro n your sweet, lipsi 1 dctcriiituol to
write; lor I know how ten 1 -r your heart
is, and by writing I should spare you
the pain that I kiiow you w ? il I I oil
were you tu witness theeTojl it .v > il 1
hive upon nie if yoa were to tell nie that
my e.iso is hopeless. A.n.! if it
be, 1 will not put you to
the disagreoablc necessity of telling
me so iu writing or otbjrwiso l.-t
this he our compa.'t: if 1 have hope,
s-ml 1110 one sli irl ii (to, an I 1 will ? .' to
yon at once; if I have none, <\ ? n >t write
at all. I will wait a week; uid if, by
the St I) uf this month of April, 1 roooivo
ni de.iv, miu iuraging, hbpo-givirigj
boiiuiifying little note, I shall know
that my lato is scaled; an I my future
misery is insured. I shall g i abroad,
to Jericho; there I have a friend, u
painter of sombre subjects, lie ivij
sympathize with me. lie is engaged in
paintiiig a picture ol a niaii who loll
among thieves. He will, figuratively;
pour wim? and nil into iny wounds. He
will probably avail bims 1; of my ex
pression for the countenance ol the
wounded man himself. If ! v.ere not
a ware how excellent; your nature i-;, h ?w
lightly you c-stccm what those who
haven't any ef it call dross, i i oonipori
.sou with moral worth, and bow great a
sin ".on consider idloiicss, I would a 1 1.
as if in in)' favor, that, (bough I am no!
rich exactly, yet I have a considerable
iudepi ndont income. However, know
ing as I do your iioblo bpiui Iii a- t i the
dignity of labor, it might (ell against
me rather than lor me if I re to sitg
gest that my Itiooaioof Xl,f)00 :i year
would oiiable us to scrape along (if I
may use the expression) with ui the
necessity" of doing tiny tiling in ni.il or
otherwise, for a I volih ?od; bus 1 may
surely say that such a position, being
regarded by the world as an a Iv'autag I,
would give you a certain iiiilu nice an 1
certain nioaiis likely to be ol nssjsi inco
to you in youi eflbitt to obey the geuer
intuicts I have always greatly a inured '
iu you. ISxiortinl graces to recommend
IHC, I lim fully Conscious I have none;
iny looking glas* teils ine SU with cm. I
plainness, and I fear tb it 1 a a equally
badly uli' for any kind of personal
merits, unless, in lee I, there be some
small merit, in having ree tgnized it? 1
Unvoted misc'l to the best, the loveliest,
thi! sweetest ol her vex. t)n! l.leanor,
have pity upon me, an 1 make me happy
lor ever. I'Jitoh hour will he a hundred
years as I wait, for the fatal 8th-. 1
(?ball have my luggage all ready; und if
l'\ tlfe morning cf tho Hill 1 receive no
kttcqrlro.m you, 1 shall accept my
dest fry in silent despair, and start forth
j with%>r Joricho. 1 shall return, if in
ilontl I do return, by way of Africa,
whew, if I do not court, I shall certain
ly nljt shun, the deadly weapon of the
;ava?e, and tho deadlier fever of his
climate; and should wc meet in future
days*; pray behave to mo as if this long
lotto); had never h*en written, asil there
had never beim anything but friendship
between us. Believe vie to be, my dear
est ijn.-anoi' (for.I must, write if- a pain),
your', inost passionately attached and
dcyc&jW] admirer, lover and?in my
eas j^friund.
John BvaitAVK.
M Twillett was quite overcome.
She pissed the blood-red letter ovor and
over ?iigain; ond she whimpered, as the
t.i ::rsJv trickled unheeded down her
? 'l!N fa-\ the darling, wb it did I
care 'for his face! Hut I'd no notion
ho I 'ol so m ? in ? much as lif?Iii'?Uf
te ii hundred a year of his own. But
v, b it. noes ii all mean V
A-'Vsjt she turned for explanation to
tho other lottor, which ran as follows :
; Suapv F.\um, May 20. IS--.
Mr. riownr-.n presents bis com pi i
meting to Miss Fusscll Though 1
liavd^t tho pleasure of knowing you.
1'iiss,"- I tbonubt it my duty to I'orward
the ktlcr. and I hope it will be in time.
The v/ay it came to Shady Farm is singu
lar. Kxou.se my mentioning top dress
ing connection with a lady, but, hiving
had aVioad of the :ime down lately from
f.omb.u, fu.d being at work putting it
on tlie four acre held, we lound ibo let
ter ([kite ace:dentally riirhf. among the
ib.es?fug. Pray, don': be frinht ? n -d at
ibo rifeior; it';* only foody's llnid. We
houglilj considering wha' the let;er h i 1
one ijironglt. it might beta; better i
lor ;?";go.d so iking and disinfecting.
H-jrag you'll lind it not ir.reh the
worsft-yl retn iin your.-, respectfully,
TuomAs Plowman^
'jVt-re mu.-.t have been .ouie dread inI
mifjfJj h somewhere,' murmured Mrs
j ";'v.'i!|tt;.iiiid as the -t range I'i'.e o"pi)
]? ro- -n? ? ? I itself
!???. i-'Jl In. ??.';. her, her .V beeanin
b'.'V rapcrlpnccd maid, corrc>tiy surmis
ing tfya?iori''S, iippSir.ed u i iniion-id,
and ?Won ;ht her t >.' So that Mrs
Twillett Was quite calm, and had r ?
moved all traces of letters, by the tint i
Mr. Twillett came home.
\S hilo Bygrave wasabsent the dducji
I lion of Thomas ha l boon procoj.Hug*,
j and had soon arrived at such a pitch
j that lie knew the difference between tho
two kinds ol pillar b ix :s?me for let
t ?rs ami one, called a 'street orderly
bin.' (or all ma a ;r of dirt and refuse
in Five:, street; and many bitter tears
j di I Thomas couscquo itly weep luring
jhii kind master's ab-encc. Nosiouor
did Bygrave return th ui Thn ii is, now
almost rid of his rus i; dial ect, re [nested
an a iliee.ee, which was rrrantod.
'Well, Thama;,' said Bygravo,kin lly
?what is it ;"
'IMcitso,,sir,'replied Tho:nis, as piil
as a ghost and shivering with emotion,
'1 put that letter in the dust bin.'
\\ hat Ic ter and wh it du t bin V a>k
cd Bygrave with a stare of blauk iimazo
me ut.
?'I'he letter you giro hn to post just
afore you went away, sir,' blubbered
Thomas.
?IIa !' cried Bygrave. fiercely, as his
memory returned, and bis face, almost
blackened by sun and weather, grow
stern and rigid; 'what did you say you
did ivitli it V
?But it in tho du ! -bin. sir;' rop sated,
Thomas, in a low but distinct voice
'The boy's mad.' muttered Bygrave
Why,' he continued in a I.?11 voice, *l
Saw VOU po>t it yourself, al least I saw
you gjal;U)at up to the pillir box aid
?Tho wrong pillar box, sir, please,' in
tcrr.ttptod Tnbiiias with a moan.
?(lo id gracious !' roared Bygrave,
st ilting up from his seat and clenching
hi- (ist, 'you don't'mean to say you put
it in-'
Vt s, sir yes,' .-aid Thorn is with feir
ful oagerncss, and approaching as if to
meet rather than avoid tho impending
blow?"in the pillar b ?x where the rub
ish is put.'
'You'vespoilt my whota ?i'e.Tii turn,'
said Bygrave horsely. * What d'ye think
you deserve'/'
'Killiii,' sir, kiilin,' responded Tho n
as, with a sob, but With an bones'., fear
le>s look into his master's face; 'that's
what 1 deserve.
?Then consider yourself killed, my
boy,' re-joined Bygrave, "vitll a s id s.nilc
unclenching hi-t list, and laying iiis
hand on the boy's sh .older. Tt was
inoio my fault than y ? us It never oc
our red to mo thai ttnyb i ly could mistake
One for ihe other: but I ought, to have
recollectlm 'hat you were qn'uo a ?trau
gor,and might nev-v have seen what
the 'stl'oCi orderly bins' were used for.
And when 1 come to think of it. they
nrc rather like the letter boxes. It's
all light- Themas; you m iy go'
And, sighing heavily, Bygrave sat j
down and w pt. Don't think it un n in
ly or unphilosophical of him. lie had, j
at any r.ito, just behaved as philosophi.
cully toward Thanns as tho groat Sir.
Isaac toward Diamond.
Urn it must bo acknowledged that-t ho
wrong pillar bos' has established curi
ous relations between three people, who
are liable to moot pretty frequently in
society.? Chdinuera Jdunuil.
Tot) Poor to Take a Taper.
Moore, of the Ilural New Yorker,
was silting in bis office one afternoon
some years ago, when a fanner friend
eaine in and said:
Mr. Moore, I like your paper, but
timos are so bar 1 I cannot pay for it:'
Is that so. friend Roues? I'm very
sorry to h;ar that you aro so poor; if
you are so bard ran [ ,vill givo you my
'paper.'
lOh; no, I cannot take ,it as a gift,'
'Well, then, let's see .how wo can fix
it. You raise chickens, I. believed '
'Yes, a few, but they don't bring any
thing hardly.'
? Don't they ? Neither doc3 my pa
per cost anything hardly. Now, 1 have
a propositiou to make to you. I will
continue your paper,aud whon you go
h mo you may select fro n your lot one
chicken and cdl her mine. Take good
care of her and bring 1112 the proceeds,
whether in eggs or chickuns, aud we
call it square.'
'All right, brother Moore,' aud the
fellow chuckled nt what he thought a
capital bargain- Ho kept the contract
strictly, and at tho cud of thj year he
found that he had paid four prices for
his paper, lie often tells the joke him
self, ami he never hid the l ie : t> say he
was to poor to take a p iper sinco that
day- ^
?1 b?gin to understand your language
belter." sail icy I'roueh friend j Mr,
Arcourt, to me; but your verbs trouble
me stilt, you mis them up so with your
j repo ?tions.'
'I am fo:ry you find them so trouble
some,'.whs all 1 could say.
'I sow our friend, Mrs. t7amrs, just
now",'V.c continued: 'Rho says she in
tend-: to break down housekeeping. Am
I right there ?'
atALLak u" ^^''L-kgcping. she must
] f'a VC SUttiV ? ? "~ '"-?TO- ?> ? ? Mflr"^
?(). yes, I remember: broak up house
keeping.'
'Why does she do that?' I asked.
'Because her health is so broken in
to.'
1 Broken down, you should say'
'Broken duwn?oh ! yos. And, in
deed, since the small p >x his broken up
in ou ? city?'
'Urokon out?'
?She thinks she will leave it for a
lew weeks.'
?Will she leave lur hone alone'/'
"No: she is afraid it will be brokcu ?
br ken?-how do 1 say that?'
? Broken into.'
'Certainly; that is what 1 uisaut to
s y-'
?is her son to be married som ?'
'No. tho engagement is broken?bro
Icon ?'
'Broken off'
' Yes; broken off-'
'She is very sorry about it. Her son
only broke the news down t) lur last
week. Am I right 1 am so anxious
to spe ik English well.
'Ho merely broke the uews; uo prcpo
sit ion this time.'
'It i- bard to understand. Th it
young 1111 n. her son, is ?* line lollow? a
breaker I thing.'
'A broker, and a very line fellow.
Good day.' Ro much for the verb 'to
bleak.'
New Probabilities.
When you see a man going lioma at
two o'clock io the morning and know
his wile is waiting for him, it is likely
to ho stormy.
When a man receives a bill for goo Is
his wile has bought unknown to him,
look out for thunder and lightning.
When a man gbos hoiui and finds no
supper ready, the lire out. and his wifo
vi.- king tho saloons 'with the rest of tho
boys.' It is likely to be ciotidy.
When a man promises to take his
wife to a party, and ehiugos his mind
after sho is drossod,.you may expect a
shower. *
When :i m:ri saves his cigar 111 mey
to buy hiu wife a new bonnet a d tha
children now shoes, it indicates a spell
ol' sunshine.
When a man dies aud h aves a nice
young widow with plenty of money
and you see her walking out with the,
executor on Sunday afternoon, 11 change
is imminent.
How to ort kid of Hats and
Mice.?Wogitr.dof rats by putting
potash in their holes and runs. Tho
poor wretches g.t it on their foot ail
over thoir fur, then they lick it, nud
do not like tho taste of it; it burns them
somewhat, and tho moro thoy soo of it
tho loss they like it; so they clear out
almost ls soon as tho application is in id 1
To get rid of mice we uso tartar-omotio
mingled with any I'ayoritO food; thoy
tako it, take tick and take their leave.
~ ii,??s. " ?; ?
7-i - in'M '**
About women?Mcu. ,
? ?'?>?? i
. Engaged for every set?A boo.
Children fed on New York milk 're
quire no chalk mixture, j
The Reformed Synod baa decided not
to unite with tho Presbytertau qhurch.
The art of Hook keeping taught in
one short and easy lesson ?never lend
thorn.
It is true that one swallow doesn't
make a summer, bub it comes summers
near it.
A yonng man's affections are not
always wrong, but they aro generally
mispla Jed.
'Is it those dead letters that' smell so
eo bad,' says my wife to me ns wo passed
the Post office.
A baker has invented a new kind of
yeast It makes bread so light that a
pound of it weighs only four ounce3.
'Sally,' paid a lover to his intended,
'give ns a kiss, will ynu?' 'No, I shan't
said Sally; 'help yourself
A man in f>.iu Francisco has boldly
I started the theory that it hurts a Chin*
man to bo stoned to death.
A Delewarc obituary; 'Hishat wasn't
always cocked over tho left ear,
but he didn't owe a butohcr in toivn.'
'lie has left a void that cannot bo
casi'y filled, ns the Bank director touch
iugly remarked of the absconding cash
ier.
A Yankee wanted the Bridgo of
Sighs pointed out to him' and then of
Jerred to bet America had several brid
goj twice tho size.
An old lady, bearing somebody say
'The nails arc very irregular,' 'It was
just so in my young days, no trusting
any of 'chv'
A Kentucky geutlcraan didn't get
mad until be had been called a 'liar'
eighty one times. The monotony of
the thing 'riled'. him.
Tho last little girl who has 'roped'her
? ?ffty ?o ;:ho'v j -, a . daughter.. of De:
31 itbm6y,/?T~iWudu\, ?'..? y.?i..r ^"^'frV?
times aud then died.
The Bight Hon. Benjamin Disraeli's
constitutes havo presented him with tho
exact sum which ho spent in securing
bis election, ^1, 5HM5s; >Udrt
A Western member of Congress who
interpreted M. C. to mean Moro Cur
rency, was mado to understand that it
me nit Mighty Corrupt.
One pint of whisky e.03t a jury in
Suliivans III, about S'iOO the other day
eleven jurors having bcou "fiued by a fo
rocious judge $23 each for drinking in a
jury rojm.
Last year fanners of Guthrie county,
Iowa, burned their oorn becau3Qlf,(Jioy
couldu't sell it. Now they travel miles
to purchase it , and pay half a dollar a
bushel for it to feed their horses .
'I here is not a man, woman or child
in this bouse who has arrived at the ago
of fifty years but has felt the truth thun
| during through their minds for ceitu
ries.'
!
Women have many advantages over
mcu: one of them is, that his will has
no operation till he is dead, whero as
ber's generally take3 placo in her life
time.
There are two reasons why~morc peo
ple don't mind thoir own business.
One is that they haven't any business,
and the other is that thoy haven't any
mind.
Eli Love of Wayne County, Ohio,
cliined a tree to shako out a coon. Tho
dogs heard something drop and went
for it but it was not tho coon. It was
Eli.
?You have played tho deuco with my
heart,' said a gentlemin to a lady, who
was his partner in a social game of whist
at an evening party. 'Well,' replied
the lady with an archo smile, lit was
because you played tho kuavo.'
Tho first photographer has opened
his saloon in Truckoo, Nevada, and has
been shot at by a mi tier who insisted on
having his picture taken by [\ imp light
as be was going away early iu tho morn
iug.
An old clergyman spyingja boy oreop
ing through the fonoo oxolaioud.
'What! crawling through the fence!
Pigs do that.' 'Yos,' rotortol tho b>y,
'and old hogs go along tho street.'
A young? man who has recently ta
ken a wife, says ho did 4tiot find it half
so hard to get married as bo did to get
the furniture; and whou it oamo to get
ting the bread and b itter ho had to fall
back upon tho old folks,
A formal fashionable visitor thus
addressing a little giri; "llo-varo you,
my dear'?' 'Very well I thunk you,'
she replied. The visitor thou addod,
?Now my. dear, you should ask roe horr
I am.' Tho child simply and honestly
replied, 'Idon't wuutJlto know.'
'';.':, ' #