Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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Ji i rt fiill A r'A'Mi /.it. TWO DOLLARS PER ANNUM. > GOD A.isri> OUT* "eOITtCTOY. v i AM 1 ALWAYS IN ADVANCE VOLUME 5. SATURDAY MORNING, DECEMBER 2, 1871. NUMBER 42 THE ORANGEB?RG NEWS * o* PUBLISHED AT Erory Saturday Morning. BY THE TERMS OF SUBSCRIPTION. ?ne Capy for one year. $2.00 " ?? " Six Months. 1.00 Aay one Bending TEN DOLLARS, fer a Ulnh ef New Subscribers, will receive an EXTRA COPY for ONE .YEAR, free of charge. Any one sending FIVE DOLLARS, Tor a Club of Now Subscribers, will receive an EXTRA COPY for SIX MONTHS, free of ?karge. RATES OF ADVERTISING. 1 Square 1st Insertion. $1.50 ?? 4i 2d " ' . 1.00 A Square eensists of 10 lines Brevier or one inch of Advertising space. Administrator's Notiee?, .$5 00 Notice* of Dismissal of Guardians, Ad ministrators, Exocutors, &c.$0 00 Contract Advertisements inserted upon the meat liberal terms. ?:n:? MARRIAGE and FUNERAL NOTICES, aet exceeding eno Square, inserted without charge. ?:o:? Terms Cash in Advance, "fca AGUOSTSTOItY. BY THE WITNESS. FROM MARK TWAIN. I to .k u largo room, far up Broadway, in a hiigo old building whoso upper ?tories had bten wholly unoccupied for y*;-.r-, uutil I came. The place had long been given up to dust Kud eob >cbs, to solitude and silence, I seemed pr?<pirfg among the tombs nod invading lb* privacy of the dc.id, that fir.-t hight 1 climbed up to niy quarters. For the fira'. tiimj in my life a m-persi'.iiuus drr ?d caoie ?ter nie ; and as 1 tin ned a vbrt augie.ol the stairway and an invis ible cobweb swung its ttaze-woof itl my face acd clung there. 1 shuddered as one who hid encountered a phantom. I waBglad enough when I reached inj room uud looked out the mold ami the darkueea. A cherry fire was burking in ihe grate, and I But down bef?re it with a contorting'sense tf relief. For two hours 1 -at there, thinking of by-guic times; recalling o) 1 sjcucs, and turn luohiug half-!b?gotie:i l?cua out of the mists of the past; listcniug, in fancy, to ?oicc8 that:long ago grew silent for all time, and to once Jamiliar sot'gs that nobody sings now. And as my reverie softened down to a sadder and sadder pathos, the shrieking cf the winds out side softened to a trail, the angry boat ing of the ruin against the pines dimiu ished to a tranquil palter, and one by the noises in the street subsided, until the hurrying footstep of the lust belated straggler dieu away in the distance and left uo sound behind. The Ore had burned low. A sc use ol loneliness crept over nie. I aio.-so and undressed,-moving on tip toe about the room, doing sfe-ilhily what L had to do, us if I were environed by sleeping ene mies whose slumbers it would to fatal to break. I covered up in bod, and lay listening to the rain and wind and the faint creaking of distant shutters, liii they lulled me to sleep. I slept prou'bundly, but how long I do not know. All at once I found my self awake and fdled with a shuddering expectancy. All was still?all but my own heart; I could hear it beat. Pros ?mtly the bed clothes began to slip away slowly toward the foot of the bed as if some one wcro pulling them ! I could not speak. Still the blan kets slipped deliberately away, till my breast was uncovered. Then with a great effort T seized them and drew them over my head. I waited, listened, waited. Once more that steady pull began; and once moro I lay torpid a century of dragging seconds till my breast was naked again. At last I rous ed my energies and snatched the covers back to their place, and held them with h strong grip. I waited. Fy and-by 1 felt a faint tug, nnd look a fresh grip. $ho tug strengthened to a steady strain ?it grew stronger. My hold parted, and, for tho third time the blankets slid away. I groaned. An answering groun cauie from the foot of the bed !?Beaded drops of sweat stood upon my forehead. I wa? i. ore dead than alive. Presently ,1 heard ft footatep in my room?tho step of an elephant, it seamed to me?it was not like anything human. But it was moving from me?thevo was *a relict in that. I hci'rd it approach the door, pass out without removing bolt or lock, aud wander away among the dismal cor ridors, straining the floors and joists till they creaked agaiu as it passed, and then silence reigned once more. When my excitement had calmed I 6aid to myself: "This is a dream?sim ply a hidious dream." And so I lay thinking it over until I convinced my self that it was & drcaii), and then a comfortable laugh relaxed my lips, and 1 was happy again. I got up and struck a light, and wheu I found that the locks aud bolts were just as I had left thorn, another soothing laugh welled in my heart and rippled from my lips. I took my pipe and lit it, and Was just setting down before the fire, when?down went the pipe out of my nerveless fingers, tho blood forsook my cheeks, und my placid breathing v*as cut short with a gasp! In the ashes on the hearth, side by side with my own footprint, was another so vast that, in comparison, mine was but a tiny infant's. Then I had had a visi tor, and the elephant tread was ex plained. I put cut the light and retnrncd to bed, palsied with fear. I lay a lorg time peering into the darkness, and list ening.?Then I heard a grating noise overhead, like the dragging of a heavy bodjr across the floor; then the throwing down of tho body, and the shaking of my windows iu response to the coucus sion. In distant parts of the building I heard tho muffled slamming of doors. 1 heard, at intervals, stc.dtlty footsteps creeping in and out among the corridors and up and down the stairs. Somctlines these noises approached my do>r, host lated and went again. I heard tho elartk :ng of chains faintly in remote passages, and listened while the clanking drew neuer?while it wcavily climbed the stairways, marking each move by the !(.< !-c surplus of chain that fell with an aeCeuted rsttlc upon each succeeding atcp ;s the goblin that boro it advanced T hcatd mult red sentences, hah" uttered aereams Chat seemed smothered violently and the switch of invisible garments, ihe rush of invisible wings. Then I became conscious that ny chamber wa3 invaded ? 'hit I wus not alone. 1 heard sighs and breathings about my bed, and mysterious whisperings. Three- little spheres Of self phosphorescent light ap peared on tho ceiling directly .over my head, clung and g'owed there a moment, and then dropped?two of them one upon my face, and one upon the pillow. They spattered, liquidly, and felt ?arm. Intu ition told me that they had turned t'j gouts of blood a.* they fell?I need ed no light to satisfy myself of that. Then I 81V7 palled faces, dimly lumin ous, and white uplifted hands, floating bodiless iu the air?floating a moment and thnil disappearing.?The whisj cr ing ceased, and the voices end the sounds, and a solemn Btillncss followod. I felt that I mu->t have light or die. I was weak with (car.?I slowly raised myself toward a sitting posture, and my face Cime in contact with a clammy hand! All strength went from me up paratitly, and 1 fell back like.a stricken invalid Then I heard the rustle of a garment?it seemed to pass to the door ! and go out. When everything was still onei more, I crept out of bed, sick and feeble, and lit the gas with a baud that trembled as if it were aged with a hundred years. The light brought some little cheer to my spirits. I sat down and fell into a dreamy contemplation of that great foot print iu the ashes. By aud by its out lines began to waver and grow dim. 1 glanovd up and the broad gis (lame was Blowly wilting away. In the same mo ment I heard thatclophautio tread again . I noted its approach, nearer und nearer, along the musty halls, and dim mer and dimmer the light waved. The tread reached my very door and paused ? the light dwindled to a sickly blue, aud all things about mo lay in a spectral twilight The door did not open, yot 1 felt ii faint gust cd' air fan my cheek, und presently was conscious of a huge cloudy presence before me. I watched it with fascinated pypx. A palo glow stole over the Thing; gradually it* cloudy folds took shape?an arm ap peared, then legs, then a body, and last a great, sad face looked out of the valor. Stripped of its filmy housings, naked, muscular and comely the majestic Car diff fiiuut loomed above ms ! All iny misery vanished?for a child might know (bat no harm could come? with that benignant eouutedanco. My cheerful spirits returnH at onco. and in sympathy with them ihr gas flamed up brightly again. Never lonely outenst was no glad to welcome company as 1 was to greet the friendly giant. I said : "Why, it is nobody but you ? Do yon know that I have been seared to death for the last two or rhree hours? I am most honestly glad to see yon. I wish 1 had a chair-. Ilerc,hore, dou't try to sit down in that thing 1" But it was too late. He was in it be fore I could stop him, and down he went. I never saw a chair shivered so in my life. "Stop, stop, you'll ruin ev?" Too late again. There was another crash and another chair*was resolved ? ? into its original elements. "Confonud it, haven't yon got any judgment at. all ? Do you want to ruin ill the furniture on the place ? Here, here, you petrified fool-" But it was no use. Before I could ar rest him he had sat dowu upon the bed. and it was a melancholy ruin. "Now, what sort of a way is thai to do ? First, you conic lumbering about the place bringing a legion of vagaboud goblins along with you to worry me to death, and then when 1 overlooked an indelicacy of costume which would not be tolerated anywhere by cultivated poo pic, except in a respectable theatre, and not even there if the nudity were of your-sex, you pay me by wrecking all i the furniture you can find to hit dowu on. And why will you ? You damage yourself as much as you do me. You have broken tiff the cud of your spinal column, and littering up the. flour with chips of,"your barns till .the place looks like n marble yard. You ought to he askamcd of yoursulf?you are big enough to know better." ??"Wi.ll,. L Brill- n<:t brcufe ??y more furniture. But what am 1 to do? 1 have not had a chance to sit d >wn for a century." And (he tears came into his eyes. -IV: r devil." I said. "I si. mid not have btten so harsh with you And you are an orphan, no doubt. But sit down on the floor here? nothing ? Isc can *t ind Your weight?and besid ?>. we cannot lie 0 iablo tv itIt vou away up there above me ; T want urn down where 1 can porch on this high counting h dsn stool and gossip with you face t ? fuc!).," So ha sat down on the Boor and lit n pip> which I gave him, threw one of my red blankets over his shoul lers, inverted my sitz bath on bis head, hdlrnct fashion, and made httnsolf picturesque an.l et.m fortablo. Then ho crossed his ankles, while 1 renewoJ tho lire, and exposed the flat hoimy-combod buttotns of his prodigious feet to tin grateful w'aruith ??What is I hi' matter with tho bottom of your feet and th? bae.k of your lugs that they are gauged up so?'1 ??Infernal chilblains?I cauuht th,cm clear up to tho buck of my head, roost im? (?ut there in Newoll'S farm. But i love the place ; 1 love it as one loves Iiis old home. Tlicro is no peace for me like the peace I feel when I am there." We talked along for half an hour, and then 1 noticed that ho looked tirjl, and spoke of it i "Tired?" he said. ' Well, I should ai.:..i. ... ?.. > . ? - ? - " '?? ?*-*? 1tua **" about it since you have treated :ne so' well. 1 atn the spirit of the petrified man that lies across the street there in the museum. I uul the ghost of the Cardiff Giant. I can have no rest, no peace, till thev liuvsigiven that po ir body burial again. What was tin: most natu ral thing for mo to do, to make mcu sat isfy this wish 1 Terrify them into it ! haunt the place where the body lay I So 1 haunted the museum night after nigh;. I even got other spirits to help me. But it did in good, for no! ody ever came to the museum at midnight. 'I ben it oc curred to me to COIiiO over tllO way and haunt this place a little. I felt (hat ii ever I got a hearing 1 must succeed, for I had the most efficient company that perdition could furnish. Night aller night have we shivered nroutld through these mildewed halls, dragging chains, groaning, whispering, tramping up and dewi. stairs, till, to tell you the truth, 1 am almost worn out. But, when I saw a light in your room to night, 1 roused my energies again, and went at it with a deal of tho-old freshness. But L am tired out?entirely tagged out. Give bio I beseech you S?HI0 hope I" 1 lit r fT my perch in a burst of excite ment, and exclaimed: "'ibis tfansends everything !?every thing that ever did occur 1 Why, you I'd r, blundering old fossil, you have had your trouble for nothing?you have been hunting a plaster aase for yourself ? the real t'Hrdi'f Giant is in Albany ! Confound it,. ^fP.^^W^T^j: remains V I ncverjSaw sur-n W'?bqtfehVlool? of sliinrt^of pitiubifr* 'hWbiftatWn, *>vdrv spread a coim'tenancd before. The Petrified Mao row slowly^lojus^ foe- aud said':.,q -' , , "Honestly ia that truo-?7 '> * l a ?'As truo au 1 am sittittg hore.'1 He took the pipe from hismouth and laid it on _the mangel, then stood irreso lut') a moment (unconsciously, from old habit, thrusting his bauds where his pan taloons pockets should ^hflive been, and meditatively dropping his(cbhi qu his brca>t,) and finally said: . y -< "Well. I never felt so absurd before. Tho Petrified Man has stld everybody elsei und now tho in la mo us fraud has ended by his selling hisoWu ghost ! My sou, if there is any charity left in your hi art for a poor friendless phantom like me, don't let this get out. Think how yon would (eel if you had made such au ass of yourself." I heard his stately tramp die away, step by step, down tl)o stairs aud. out into the desertsO street, ^mffrlMltorfjA that he wus gone, poor lojtpvv,aud scr-fj rrr still that he hud carried my red blanket and my bath tub. Wyoming's Great Legislative Joke The accident for such it was, bv which woman suffrage becamo tj)flawjpj{/-jj oming happened in th's way : Tho'l'rcHideii of the Council yf tho j iirst Territorial Legislature of Wyoming strolled into the office of tho Secretary of the Territory one morning iu Novem ber, 1; >"?). to .'oil. :.buuLU4*t?**K?teJ Woman suffrage came in for itAshure of uttcution. Said the ^ecfeurj' 'who was a stairnch advocate of woman's right : 'Mi'. President, do you kuowypi] Imv^c t!i j: reutest opportunity of any man in America t? immortalize * our^eh'?1 ^' '11..vv ." iinjuired tlio IVsi-Vn't' TJy int.o^ucing'd billM) MiTT council extending the right of suffrage fto wo man.' r-?*' o I tnesecretary.] ?]!_, ?! I'll do it if you'll draw up the bill)' res p. nded tlie president. 'A ie.d.' a.isnered the Secretary;! and ."dr. Psi -id. ut smile I the quiet smile ol sat .sl.o tion ; ici leiit I ? the b rtii of a I .'new idea, pulled away at his*cigar, straigthcued himself and walked to tho C,ouucjj chamber to p indor on his future greatness. The bill was drawn, intro duecd and pa> e 1 ttu iir.->t reading of tho OouVicil?? in ire tor tho novelty and no torietj l:au ? v-'i'cje it* .mi<-aibo:> \vurc ! i? it, ravor; - ' w R<- ^ I lu i iwer house, liower, the bdl met <ipp ii ii aud became the subject of-carhusl ii - imsion on the part of a Minority. The majority looked upon tne whole thing is ? joke of tb.?i-rpyuj,k? nig secretary, and were disposed to ! t him have his fun, whjlc they WouTti en joy the big supper promised them by the secretary if they would pass tho bill. Thus che bill passed the-.House, not sup posing the Council wordd 'coiilirm it on its final reading. Tho Council, tUpWA** I or, did nass ihn bill wiw.ii. : difference or to appear consi'stou wi:h it:, former action ii is impossible to say, as it i.-> OjQUJilly hup issiblo t>i s.iy^as it is equally impossible to account for most of tue l.iw.i ^tftsi d by this Legislature on any know.Q hypothesis. Hut whethci joke oi design on the part/jif ftie seere tary, the members of the.-Hjw-e were certainly virtimi/e.d, lor they never got tlii.i big supper,and the bit! did pass. Ii only waited n >>\ for1 the Governor's T.guaiuro under the great se*l of the Ti rritory to make thh hill u Uw in the land. In a few days tlm bill Was re turned with his lixcelloifcyls lamiliar O. K., and woman suffrage became both a fact dlid a law ill Wyoming.*< 'Johnny,' sc id one of tltd boys tu a be reaved friend who had ju>t lost his falb er. ? Ji r behaved Well at the fnfleral.' ?Oh, pshaw!' repiiud idoho'iy, with the air of one whose merits are only halt roooguized ; Hyou should have scpu uie at the grave " A rich uiuu asked a poor person if he had any idea of tbe advantages arising from riches. 'I believe they give a rogue au ad . ant.ige over an ho :e.st man,' was th-j answer. A Mother's Power. A moment's work on claj tells more than an hour's labor on brick. So work on hearts should bo done before they harden. During the Amt six or eight years of child lifo mothers have full rfWay, and this is the time to make the deepoat and most enduring impressions cm the human mind. The examples of maternal influence arc couutlcBS. Solomon himself records tho words of wisdom that fell from a mother's lips, aud Timothy was taught the Scripturs from a child by his grand mother aud his mother. John ivuudoip'u of lioanoke used to say, 'I should haTO boen a French athe ist were it not for tho recollection of the time wheu my departed mother usod to take my little hand in hers, and make me say on niy bended knoc, 'Our Father who art in Heaven I' 'I have found out what made you the man you are,' said a gentleman one morning, to President Adams; 'I have been reading your mother's to her son.' Washington's mother trained her boy to truthfulness and virtue; and when his messenger called, te tell her son was raised to the highest station iu the na tion's gift, she could say : * iOeorge always was a good boy.' A mother's tears dropped on the head of her little boy one evening as she sat iu the doorway aud listened while she spoke of Christ and salvation. 'Those tears made me a missionary,' said he, when he had given his manhoods prime to the service ol the Lord. Somo one asked Napoleon what was the great need of the French nation. ?Mothers !' was the significant anv.ver. Wernau, has God given you the privile ges nnd responsibilities of motherhood r Be faithful, then, to the little ones. You I hold the keys of their hearts now. I' ! yotl once 1030 it you would give the World ,Ui win it back. Use your oppor tunities before they pass. Aud remember, little ones, you never will have but one mother. Obey and Ijpm r l?er. Listen to her words, aud God will bless you day by day. A li.xtir.b .Appetite.?The Marys villc ul i Appeal, of the 21at, is re spousil !e for the following: ! 'Can I get my dinner here, sir V said it lean, hungry-looking specimen of nnnity, stepping up to the bar of I the Merchants' Hotel, yesterday. ?Vi-, I recon/ responded the General : who happened to be behind the coun ter. ; We looked at the applicant. He lud j broad hips. He hud hollow, long jaws. He wore a hollow stomach. In fact, he was not full-chested. He looked liko%a rndgerous customer, wbero unprotected food was left lying around, loose. He entered the dining-room aud called for porter-house steak. Hegotit; also, po tatoes, bread, soup, vegetable, pie, coffee, and sundry other things. l?y and by the (able wns cleared, and he ordered a 1 runt ton chop. This, with the trimmings, vanished also. Then he called for a. pork chop. He got it, and into the cav ernous recesses of that India-rubber si ?mach it disappeared ?lso. The wait er sai d ?wn completely exhausted. The I i. ? ??. ? _ ?..i.i un.i, II 11 no \f\it irtg immediate dissolution, tor 'coming events east their shadows before,' and and walking up to the bar asked iu a .-, ft and wheezing voice : il iw lunch do I owe you, sir?' ?Not a cent, sir,' replied the General; : ?' am your debtor. I have to pay six 1 it-, daily for the refuse cart to uke away the rubbish?you bare saved me 1 the trouble. Take a driuk/anl be took i . ** it. A returned missionary from Africi tells the f..Mowing story : tine day a trider chief came to join in) church with his two wives, one old and ugly and the other a haudiome young ucgress. "That will never do,' I cried, my religion allows a man to have but one wife. Choose one for tho part ner if your joys and sorrows, and make .suitable provisions for the other.' Thoy all weal away looking very crest fallen. A week or two afterwards tho old chief came back lending the young and pretty one, I? th looking very happy. 'Me come back,' he said, 'ue all ready now.' 'That is all right,' said I, 'and pray how , have you disposed of the other wife?' ?All right/ he said, 'me eat her up-.' Remnants by Josh. Billings. i ^? One grate reason whi 'Jordia \t sieh a ruff road lew travel' ii bekausc almost everybody works inside of thoir own lot, and lets the turnpike take care of it self. Every man makes his own pedigree, and the beat pedigree is a elear con science. Virtue in a poor man iz looked upon as a jewel in a toads nese. The man who iz a tyrant in his own household is an abjeot cuss among hiz equals. Virtew is like strength; no man kan tell how much he has got till he kums akrost sumthing he kaut lift. I have kum tew the kunklushuns that what everybody prases wants elos watch ing. Tharo is menny folks who are like mules, the only way tew their affekshuns is thru the kindness of a elub. Thure ain't but phew people who know ' how tew give gifts, and the num ber who know how tew receive them is lc-s. Skorn not th? day of little things, for tharo is no man in this world so grate but what sum one oan do him a favar or an injury. Thare is one witness that never is guilty of perjury, aud that is the con science. Thare iz such a thing as being alwus too quick?I am one ov that kind miself. [ alwus miss a railroad trane by being there a haff an hour too soon. A Talk of a Skiut.?The other evening a young person of the mascu line gender quietly aud genteelly as be come those who frequent the house of tho Lord, walked into one of the ahurchs at Williamsport, where he re sides, lie took a seat besides a young person of the feminine gender. This young person was attired iu a white gown, fresh from the lauudry, aud guilt less of spot or wriuklo. With that in stinctive neatness common to most of the fair sex, tho young lady had spread out the skirts of her gown ss much as possible, to save it from the rumples in cident to a sitting posture. The young mau on taking his scat did not at first observe the display of drapery be side him. After awhile he cist his eyes around. They fell on the white muslin, and he felt himself growing red ami white by turns. Could his?his?in short, could the tail of his shirt have es caped from its confinement in his un mentionables 1* Ilia hand trembled, but ho surreptitiously laid hold of tho lady's property, lifted his eoat, and pushed it, as well as be was able, under bis printa ble manoeuvre, moved a little, but said rfothing. The young gentleman became interested in the sermon, but glancing down at the scut a moment or two aftcT, beheld, to his horror, what he supposed to be his uumanagcable garment. With a convulsive effort he clutched it to his shaking hand, aud was endeavoring to put it where it should have been, if it bail been his muslin, when tho lady moved far enough away to take her skirt out of tho reach of the unhappy youirg mini. With an expression of counten ance plainly depicting tho unutterable *\.1 ' ? tV?V" '????? Inn yniini? man took up his hat hurried!) and left the sanctuary. A BlTE.?A very important stripling, whom favoritism had raised to the dig nity of quartermaster iu a regiment of infantry, wishing ono day to dismount from his charger for the purpose of Wet ting his whistle aud adjusting his spurs, called out in very commanding tone'S to a Bpcctntor who was standing near; 'Here fellow, hold this horse.' 'l>.ies he kiek V bawled out tho per son addressed. 'Kick ! no Take hold of him.' 'Docs he bite V 'IJito, no! Take hold of the bridle, 1 say !' 'Does it tako two to hold him V 'No.' 'Then hold him yoursolf.' Teacher?Mary, dear, suppose 1 were to shoot ut a tree with five birds on it, and kill three, how many would be left?' Mary?lour years old?'Tlmco ma'am.' Tesohor?'No, two would be left.' Mary?'No, there wouldn't though ; the three shot would be loft, and the other two would be fliod away !' The Flies andtiib Spider.?'Why has God created the flies and spiders ?' a voung prince often said to himself; 'auch insects are of no use to man ; and, had I the powir, I would cauce them to disappear from the earth.' 4s* . One day, during the war, this prince was obliged to flee before tha enemy. A?. night, being very much ihtigucd, he lay down under a treo in the middle of the for rest, "and soon fell fast asleep. He wns discerercd by one of tho enemy'* soldiers, who glided softly up to him, sword in hand, intending to kill him. At this moment, a fly suddenly alighted on the check of the prince, and stung hitn ao sharply that he awoke. He start ed up, drew his sword, and fought with the soldier, and at last escaped. Then the prince went and hid himself in t cavern in tho same forest. During thd . night a spider spun her web across th>' entranoo. Two soldiers, who were it! search of the fugitive prince, came m near tho cave that he oould hear their* e-ou versa tion. 'Look,' said one, 'no doubt he is hid den here.' ?No,' replied the other, 'he could B"t have enured there without tearing t\u spider s web.' Ah s >on as they had gone, the princf cried out with emotion, raising his hand* to heaven : 'Oh, my God ! what a gratitude do { not owe thee ? Thou didst save my lit'.' yesterduy by means of a fly, and to-da/ 11.on. haat preserved it by means of a spider. Truly, these are use and pur"' I pose in the wgrks of thy creation.' A few nights since, at a late hour, t\ ' speaking tube at tho office of one of New Haven's popular physicians w.1* used ly some midnight effect: Th-f doctir was in a sound sleep, vhen li ? was partially awakened by a 'hallu ??' through the tube, when the following 'dialogue took'placc : 'Well, what da you want V 'Does Dr. Smith live here?' 'Ye*, what d > yo^i want V 'Are you Dr. SmMk-?' 'Yea?yes ! what do you want?' \ j 'Why, how long have you lived here V 'Some twenty years; why?' 'Why ? why don't you move?* 'If you ?uy thsre about ten second* more you'll find I am moving!' and b-f bounded out of bed, but the patient w a bcaid 'moving* down the street at a rat-f I that defied pursuit. The following conversation is of in terest to shopkeepers : ? 'You are about to removo, are yo?| not ?' 'No.' 'Why, you wrote up 'sellitfg off/ 'Yes, every ahopkeeper is Selling aff' 'You say 'no reasonable offen r*? fused.' 'Why should I he very uureasoirab'.:' if I did refuse such an offer.' 'JjUt you say, must close on.Satur day.* 'To be sure, you would not have urt open on Sunday would you ?' 'Too Lucky.?'Huns, where you g't that knife V 'I finds him, fader.' 'No llan*, I believes you tells owc? big falsehoods 'No, fa 1 r ; d ?t is true ; I is the lu:k *wfc ->?-? ' - ???? - 'Veil. liana, I has to vip you1/ 'Not pause I steals, fader V 'No, Hans, 1 vip you 'causo you s/f very lucky.' A western farmer, being obliged t?v sell a yoke of oxen t?r pay bis hired n> ? told hc'ii he coal i not keep him anj Innrer ?Why,' said the man, 'I'll stay and take some of your cows in placo of mo:i by.' 'But what, shall I do,' said tin farmer, when my cows and oxen are wo gone V 'Why, you cm then work f r me and got them h ick.' - ? hi i ? im ? - ? r? Let parents make every possible effort, to huvu their children go to sleep in ?t pleasant humor. Never scold or givj, lectures. < r io un>y way wound a child'v (Oelings as it goes tu bed. Lot all baui.'? i, business and worldly cure at bod tin. , and let .sleep come io a mind at peae ?> with G(d and all the world. An Engli-h lady, traveling on itt t RbirtS recently drew tho attention af * waiter to the fact that the egg ho Ik It given her contained a chicken. Not.'?' ing abashed, tho waiter ropliod that h>* must charge for a ehiekoo in her bill in* stea l ;f -