The Newberry herald. (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, April 24, 1878, Image 1
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THE SEISIDE LIBRR
I East Lynne, by Mrs. Henry Wood. 10c
2 John Halifax, Gent., Miss Mulock. 10c
3 Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte. 10c
4 A Woman-Hater,C.Reade's new nov. 10c
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6 Last Days of Pompeii, by Bulwer. 10c
7 Adam Bede, by George Eliot. 20c
8 The Arundel Motto. Mary Cecil Hay. 10c
Old Myddelton's Money. M. C. Hay. 10c
0 The Woman in White. W. Collins. 20c
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28 A Daughter of Heth. W. Black. 10c
29 Nora's Love Test, by Mary C. Hay. 10c
30 Her Dearest Foe. Mrs. Alexander. 20c
31 LoveMeLittle,LoveMeLong. C.Reade.10c
32 The Queen of Hearts. Wilkie Collins.10c
33 Handy Andy, by Same Lover. 20c
34 A Simpleton, by Charles Reade. 10c
35 Felix Holt, The Radical. Geo. Eliot. 20c
36 The Wooing O't, by Mrs. Alexander 20e
37 The 31ystery, by Mrs. Henry Wood. 10c
28 Antonina, by Wilkie Collins. 20c
39 Ivanhoe, by Sir Walter Scott. 20c
40 The Heir to Ashley. Mrs. H. Wood. 10c
41 White Lies, by Cb arles Reade. 20c
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43 Hector Servadac, by Jules Verne. 10c
44 The Tower of London. Ainsworth. 20c
45 A Life's Secret. -Mrs. Henry Wood. 10c
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48 The Strange Adventures of a Phae
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49 Granville de Vigne; or, Held in
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50 Under the Greenwood Tree. T. HardylOc
51 Kilmeny, by William Black. 10c
5 The Lost Bank Note. Mrs. H. Wood.10c
53 The Monarch of Mincing Lane. Black.10c
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57 A Voyage Round the World-South
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61 Bebee; Or, Two Little Wooden
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62 Folle-Farine, by "Ouida." 20c
63 Dene Hollow, by Mrs. Henry Wood. 20c
64 A Voyage Round the World-New
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65 The Nobleman's Wife. Mrs.H.Wood.10c
66 Rory O'More, by Samuel Lover. 20c
67 Castle Wafer, and Henry Arkell, by
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68 Five Weeks in a Balloon. J. Verne. 10c
69 To the Bitter End. Miss Braddon, 20c
70 Middlemarch. by George Eliot. 20c
71 Ariadne, by "Ouida." 10c
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Blockade Runners. Jules Verne. 10c
73 Bessy Rane, by Mrs, Henry Wood. 20c
74 Raipert Hall, by Mrs. Henry Wood. 10c
75 The Fur Country, by Jules Verne. loc
76.The New Magdalen. Wilkie Collias. 10c
77 Mistress and Maid, by Miss Mulock.10Oc
78 Griffith Gaunt, by Charles Reade. 10c
79 Madcap Violet, by Willia.mn Black. 20e
80) Daniel Deronda, by George Eliot. 20e
81 Christian's Mistake. Miss Mulock. 10e
82 My Mother and I, by Miss Mulock. 10c
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84 20,000 Leagues Under the Seas, by,
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86 Put Yourself In His Place. C. Reade. 20c
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SI Two Marriages, by Miss Mulock. 10c
89 The Lovels of Arden. M.E.Braddon. 20c
90 Mysterious Island-Dropped" from
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31 The Woman's Kingdom. Mulock. 10c
92 Mrs. Halliburton's Troubles. Wood. 20e
93 Mysterious Island-The Abandoned,
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94 The Law and the Lady. W. Collins. 10c
95 Dead Men's Shoes. Miss Braddon. 20c
96 Love's Victory, by B. L. Farjeon. 10c
97 Mysterious Island--The Secret of the -
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98 Harry Lorrequer, by Charles Lever. 20c
99 From the Earth to the Moon, and
Around th's Moon, by Jules Verne. 10c
100 A Tale of Two Cities. Chas. Dickens.10c
101 A Noble Life, by Miss Mulock. 10c
102 Hard Times, by Charles Dickens. 10c
- 103 A Brave Lady, by Miss Mulock. 20c
104 Peep O'Day, by John Banim. 10c
105 At the Sign of the Silver Flagon, by
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106 The Master of Greylands. Mrs,Wood.20c,
107 Blade-o'-Grass, by B. L. Farjeon. 10c
108 The Sea-King. by Captain Marryat. 10c
109 Eleanor's Victory. Miss Braddon. 20e
110 The Girls of Feversham. F. Marryat. 10c
111 A Tour of the World in Eighty Days, O
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112 Hard Cash, by Charles Reade. 20c
113 Golden Grain, by B. L. Farjeon. 10c
114 Darrell Markham. Miss Braddon. 10c
115 Within the Maze. Mrs. H. Wood. 20e
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117 The Female Minister. Eugene Lies. 10c
118 Great Expectations. Chas. Dickens. 20c
119 Potronel, by Florence Marryat. 10c
129 Romance of a Poor Young Man, by
0. Fonillet. 10c
121 A Life for a Life, by Miss Mulock. 20e
122 The Privateersman. Capt. Marryat. 10c
123-Irish Legends, by Samuel Lover. 10c
124 Squire Trevylyn's Heir. Mrs. Wood. 20c
125 Mary Bar ton, by Mrs. Gaskell, 10c
126 Erema; or, My Father's Sin, by R.
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127 My Lady Ludlow, by Mrs. Gaskell. 10c
128 Cousin Phillis, by Mrs. Gaskell. 10c
129 The Wandering Jew (First Hair,) by
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.129. The Wander' g Jew (Second Half,)
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130 Sermons Out of Church. Mulock. 10c
131 Michael S trogoff, by Jules Verne. 10c
F132 Jack Hinton, by Charles Lever. ,20c
133 The Duchess of Rosemary Lane, by
B. L. Farjeon. 10e
3~4 My Brother's Wife. A. B. Edwards. 10c
135 Agatha's Husband, by Miss Mulock, 10c
136 Katie Stewart, by Mrs. Oliphant. ,..10c
137 A Rent in a Cloud, ny Chas. Lever. 10e
138 What He Cost Her, by James Payn. 10c
139 London's Heart, by B: L. Faujeon. 20c
140 The Lady Lisle, byMiss Braaldon. 10c
141 Masterma.n Ready. Capt. Marryatt. 10c
142 The Head of the Fml. Miss Mulock.20c
143 The Haunted Tower. Mrs. H. Wood. 10c
144 The Twin Lieutenants. Alex.Dumnas. 10c
145 Half A Million of Money, by Amelia
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14$ Charles O'Malley, The Irish Dragoon.
Charles Lever. (Triple Number.) 30c
147I Rattlin, The Reefer. Capt. Marryat. 10c
148 A Blue Stocking. Mrs. A. Edwards. 10c
149 Joshua Marvel, byB. L. Farjeon. 20c
150 Mr. Midshipman asy. Capt. Marryat.10c
15: The Russian Gipsy, by Alex. Dumas.10c
152 Arthur O'Leary, by Charles Lever.- 20c
153 Ward or Wife ' 10c
154 A Point of Honor. Mrs. A. Edwards. 10c
15,5 'The Count of Monte-Cristo. A. Dumas40c
156 The King's Own, by Capt. Marryat. l0c
157 Hand and Glove. A. B. Edwards. 10c
153 Treasure Trove, by Samuel Lover. 20c
159 The Phantom Ship. Capt. Marryat. 10c
160 The Black Tulip, by Alex. Dumnas. 10c
161 The World Well Lost. Mrs. Linton. 20c
162 Shirley. C. Bell (Charlotte Bronte.) ~20c
163 Frank Mildmnay. Captain Marryat. 10c
164 A Young Wife's Story. H. Bowra. 10o
165 A Modern Minister, (Vol. 1.) Chove
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16$ The Last Aldini, by George Sand. 10c
167 The Queen's Necklace. Alex. Dumnas. 10c
16 Co reg.aa, by Charles Levrer. 20e
169 St. Patrick's Eve, by Charles Lever. 10
170 Newton Forster, by Capt. Marryat. 10
171 Hostages to Fortune. Miss Braddon. 20
172 Chevalier de Maison Rouge. Dumas. 10
173 Japhet in Search of a Father, by Cap
tain Marryat. . 20
174 Kate Donoghue. by Charles Lever. 204
175 The Pacha ot Many Tales. Marryat. 10<
176 Percival Keene, by Capt. Marryat. 104
177 "Cherry Ripe," by Helen B. Mathers. 20<
178 Rare Good Luck. R. E. Franeillon. 10o
179 The History of a Crime, (Vol. 1.) by
Victor Mugo. 10N
180 Armadale. by Wilkie Collins. 204
ISI Beatrice Boville. by "Ouida." 10<
182 Juliet's Guardian. by Mrs. Cameron. 10<
183 Kenilworth, by Sir Walter Scott. 20(
184 The Countess de Charny. A. Dumas. 20(
185 The Little Savage. Capt. Marryat. 104
186 "Good-Bye, Sweetheart," by Rhoda
Broughton. 10
187 David Copperfield. Charles Dickens. 20<
188 Nanon. by Alexander Dumas. 10C
189 The Swiss Family Robinson. 10C
190 Henry Dunbar. Miss M. E. Braddon. 204
191 My Lady's Money. Wilkie Collins. 10c
192 The Three Cutters. Capt. Marryat. 10<
193 Memoirs of a Physician. A. Dumas. 30<
194 The Conspirators. Alex. Dumas. 10C
195 Madame Fontenoy. 10C
196 Heart of Mid-Lothian. Sir W. Scott. 20
197 "No Intentions." Florence Marryat. 20c
198 Isabel of Bavaria. Alex. Dumas. 10C
199 Settlers in Canada. Capt. Marryat. 10c
200 Nicholas Nickleby. Charles Dickens. 20c
201 Catherine Blum, by Alex. Dumas. 10c
202 Mr. Gilfil's Love Story. Geo. Eliot. 10c
203 Cloister and the Hearth. C. Readt. 20c
204 The Young Llanero. W.H.G.Kingston 10c
205 The Mysteries of Paris (First Half,)
by Eugene Sue. 20c
205 The Mysteries of Paris, (Second
Half,) by Eugene Sue. 20C
206 The Poison of Asps. Flor. Marryat. 10c
207 The Children of the New Forest, by
Captain Marryat. 10C
20S North and South, by Mrs. Gaskell. 204
209 A Jewel of a Girl. (A Novel.) 10c
210 Young Musgrave, by Mrs. Oliphant. 10c
211 Randolph Gordon, by "Ouida." 10C
212 Brigadier Frederick, by Erckmann
Chatrian. 10c
213 Barnaby Rudge, by Chas. Dickens. 20c
214 Winstowe, by Mrs. Leith-Adams. 10c
215 Birds of Prey. Miss M. E. Braddon. 20c
216 Legends of theBlack Watch. J.Grant.10c
217 The Sad Fortunes of Rev. Amos Bar- 4
ton, by George Eliot. 10c
218 Dombey and Son. Charles Dickens. 20c
219 "My Own Child." Florence Marryat. 10c
220 George Canterbury's Will, by Mrs.
H. Wood. 20c
21 Poor Zeph, by F. W. Robinson. 10c
222 Last of the Mohicans. J. F. Cooper. 10c
223 The Marriage Verdict. Alex. Dumas. 10c
224 The Deer-slayer. J. Feai. Cooper. 10c
225 The Two Destinies. Wilkie Collins.'10c
226 The Path-finder. J.FenimoreCooper. 10c
227 Hannah, by Miss Mulock. 10c
228 The Regent's Daughter. A. Dumas. 10c
229 The Pioneers. J. Fenimore Cooper. 10c
230 Little Grand and the Marchioness,
by "Ouida." 10c
231 The Prairie, by J. Fenimore Cooper. 10
232 A Dark Nioht's Work. Mrs. Gaskell. 10c
233 The Pilot,ly J. Fenimore Cooper. 10c
234 The Tender Recollections of Irene
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235 An Open Verdict. Miss Braddon. 204
236 Shepherds All and Maidens Fair, by
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237 The Wandering Heir. Chas. Reade. 10c
23 Beatrice, by Julia Kavanagh. 20c
239 No Thoroughfare, by Charles Dick
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M0 The Laurel Bush, by Miss Mulock. 10c
241 Tricotrin, by "Ouida." 20c
242 The Three Feathers, by Wm. Black. 10c
243 Daisy Nichol, by Lady Hardy. 100
24t TheThree Guardsmen, by A. Dumas.20c
215 Jack Manly, by James Grant.- 10c
246 Peg Woffington, by Charles Reade. 10c
247 Martin Chuzzlewit. Chas. Dickens. 20q
248 "Bread, and Cheese, and Kisses,"
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249 Cecil Castlemaine's Gage. "Onida." 10c
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BREAD UPON THE WATERS.
Mid the losses and the gains,
Mid the pleasures and the pains,
And the hopings and the fears,
And the restlessness of years,
We repeat this promise o'er
We believe it more and more
Bread upon the water cast
Shall be gathered at the last.
Gold and silver, like the sands,
Will keep slipping through our hands;
Jewels gleaming like a spark,
Will be hidden in the dark;
San and moon and stars will pale,
But these words will never fail
Bread upon the water cast
Shall be gathered at the last.
Soon like dust, to~you and me,
Will our earthly treasures be;
But the loving word and deed
To another in his need
They will unforgotten be!
They will live eternally
Bread upon the water caat
Shall be gathered at the last.
Fast the moments slip away,
Soon our mortal powers decay,
Low and lower sinks the sun,
- What we do must soon be done;
Then what rapture, if we hear
Thousand voices ringing clear
Bread upon the water cast
Shall be gathered at the last.
POOR GENEVIE,
-0
Shortly after the conclusion of
the late war, a gentleman, dis
tinguished as a scholar and a
politician, was proceeding up the
Mississippi. During the trip he
became indisposed, and finally so
ill that, at his own request, he
was put on shore at one of those
little- old French villages between
the mouth of the Ohio and St.
Louis.' The agitation of removal
and the heat of a summer day so
aggravated his disease, which was
a bilious fever, that he became de
lirious, and for a time he knew
nothing of what transpired:
His returning consciousness dis
closed to him a female, with a cap
such as French attendants gen
erally wear, a plain gown, and a
black silk apron, with a sweet,
gentle and expressive face, ap
parently bearing the impression
of deep solicitude. Perceiving
him to be aA'ake, she inquired, in
a voice of exquisite melody, if he
wanted anything. Instead of an
swering the question, the sick
man, whom I shal! call Hartland,
though that was not his real name,
asked two or three others, in a
low, feeble tone.
"Where am I-and who are
you ?"
"You are in St.-, and I am
poor Genevieve, your servant;
can I do anythIng for you, sir ?"
"Oh, a nurse, they have pro
vided for me, I suppose," thought
Hartland, "I shall, therefore, stand
on no ceremony with her. My
good girl, I will thank you for a
glass of something to quench my
thirst-I am burning up, I be
lieve."
Genevieve took his hand, and,
after holding it a little while, laid
it softly down on his head, saying,
as if to herself, "It does indeed
burn like fire." The touch of her
hand was so soft that Hartland
could tell that she pitied him with
all her heart. At this moment
his physician came, and our trav
eler recognized in him an old ac
quaint.ance, a senator whom he
had known at Washington, and a
very eminent man in his pro
fession. He felt extremely grate
ful at having so gentle a nurse
and so able a physician. Yet his
recovery was so slow that it did
no great credit to either nurse or
doctor, for it was nearly six weeks
before his fever was fairly broken.
One day while the doctor was
with himn, it suddenly occurred to
Hartland to inquire where he
was, how he came there, and,
more especially, to whose kind
nees he was indebted forsuch be
nevolent attentions.
"You are in the house of Mad
emoiselle de F-, a young lady
of French extraction, a great
eiress of lands, mines, and what
not, extending no one knows
where ; and, withal a most beauti
ful, amiable, accomplished woman,"
replied his friend. "She is a ward:
of mine, or rather was, for she is'
now of age, and might have mar
ried years ago, but for a singular
scruple which she encourages at
the risk of passing the remainder
of her life in single blessedness."
"Ah !" rejoined Hartland, who
found himself not a little inter
ested about the heiress; "ab,
what may the scruple be?"
"She imagines, or rather fears,
it is her great possessions that
attracts so many admirers wher
ever she goes; and she once told
me she never saw but one man
toward whom she felt almost irre
sistibly attracted, and he treated
her as if she was nobody."
"I should like to see her," an
3wered Hartland, "for, indepen
dent of the obligations I owe her,
she must be something of a uu
riosity. Such humanity is not
Aften coupled with wealth, beauty
ind accomplishments. But you
have not yet told me how I came
Lo be here."
"You were seen by a good old
iunt who resides with the young
lady, and who happened to be
looking out of the window as you
landed, in a state of partial de
lirium. She apprised Mademoiselle
le F- of the circumstances,
who immediately gave directions
to have you.brought here."
"Upon my word, I owe her ob
ligations which I can never re
pay."
"That is more than you know,"
aid the doctor, smiling.
The doctor then rose to depart
when Hartland, with a degree of
4esitation which surprised him
elf, and the color rising in his
pale cheek, asked:
"But, Doctor, now I think of it,
who is the gentle, kind, attentive
2urse, to whom, I verily believe
meanine no reflection on your
kil-1 am indebted for my re
.overy. I owe her much, and you
must put me in some way of ex
pressing my obligations."
C.She is paid for her attendance,"
replied the doctor, carelessly,
'and will accept of nothing from
you, except what you will not per
baps be willing to bestow on
ber."
"What do you mean by that,
:loctor ?"
"Nothing," answered he, as he
leparted with another significant
smile.
Hartland fell into a reverie,
from which he was roused by the
steps of' Genevieve, who entered
the room with slow timidity, and
sked, in trembling accents, after
his health..
"I am quite well, dear Gene
ieve, thanks to your blessed kind-.
ness, which I never can repay."~
"My wages are already paid,"
answered she, with apparent sim
plicity ; "and now that you are
quite recovered, I am going away.
I came to bid you farewell, to ex
press my wishes for your happi
ness, and to ask of you sometimes
to remember poor Genevieve."
Thbere was something exquisitely'
touching in her voice, -her look,
and the dewy luster of her eyes,
as she pronounced these words,
which entered the very soul of
Hartland.
"Genevieve," said he, "sit down
by me and hear what 1 am going
to say. Nay, I insist upon your
being seated, for you have much
to ear, and it does not become
one who owes his life to you, to
be seated while you are stand
"It does not become one like
me to be seated in the presence
of one like you," rejoined Gene
vieve in a low anid thrilling voice
of humility, as Hartland with re
spectful violence compelled her
to place herself by his side on the
sofa.
"Genevieve," said he, "you have
saved my life. I am not ungrate
ful. Do not leave me with a load
of obligations on my heart that
will weigh me down to the earth
with a sense of absolute degrada
tion. My life will be compara
tively worthless, unless you per
mit me to consecrate it to your
happiness. I would make you
my wife," cried Hartland, with a
tone and expression that could
not be mistaken. "My dear, dear
wife, to live with me and be my
love forever."~
" Are you really in anesat. ?"
faltered she, with tears and trem
bling.
"What, poor Genevieve !"
"Yes, 'Poor Genevieve,' I am in
earnest-serious and solemn as a
man can be at the moment when
the happiness of his life hangs on
the decision of a moment."
His nurse rose to leave the room.
Hartland sought to detain her a
moment, fbr her answer: But
she only replied with a loolk and
accent he could not comprehend.
"You will receive it soon from my
mistress."
"Pshaw !" exclaimed he in a
pet ; "what care I for your mis
tress ?"
"But you must care for her, and
love her too; she is far more
worthy of your heart than poor
Genevieve."
"If I do may my---"
"Hush ! do not swear, lest you
should forswear yourself the next
minute. Remember what I say.
In less than a quarter of an hour
you will forsake poor Geneveve.
You will not acknowledge your
lov'e for her in the presence of my
mistress."
"Come I" cried Hartland, seiz
ing her band, "lead me at onje to
your mistress, and put me to the
test."
Genevieve did not reply, but
lead him into a capacious apart
ment, whose windows, reaching to
the floor, opened on a terrace
overlooking a little iiver that
skirted a green lawr, as it coursed
its way to et@rn4l oblivion in the
bosom of the great father of
waters. No one was there to re
ceive him, and Genevieve imme
diatly left the room, merely say
ing, "I will tell my mistress you
are here." He remained a few
minutes looking out on the scene
before him, but unconscious of its
loveliness, when he was roused. by
the opening of a door, and turn
ing round perceived a female ad
vancing with hesitating steps and
bead inclining towards the earth.
Her face was entirely hid by a
thick, black veil, which descended
below her waist, and prevented
the contour of her figure from be
ing seen.
Hartland advanced to pay his
compliments and express his ac
knowledgments, which he did
with his usual grace and fluency.
But the lady made no reply, and
for a few moments seemed greatly
agitated. At length she slowly
put aside her vail, and at once
disclosed the face of Genevieve,
glowing with blushes of modest
apprehensive delicacy, her eyes
cast down and her bosom swell
ing with emotion. In an instant
he comprehended all...
"Genevieve ?" he exclaimed. "Is
it possible ?"
"Yes," aswered the well-remem
bered, persuasive, gentle voice
which had so often soothed his
pains, and quieted his impatience
in the hours of sickness. "Yes,
once poor Genevieve, your nurse
-now rich and happy Genevieve,
for now she has found in the man
she would have sele.cted from all
the world one who loves her for
herself alone. Hartland, dear
Hartland, will you forvive me ?
It is the last time I will deceive
you."
Hartland was not obdurate, and
the forgiveness was accorded by
folding Genevieve in his arms,
and imprinting on her lips the
first, sweetest kiss of love.
A Kentucky preacher rose to
speak and opened the bible. The
first verse that met his eyes, hap
pened to be, "The voice of the
turtle shall be heard in the land."
"Brethering," said he, "at first
sight one would not think there
was much in the text; but on a
little consideration you will see
there's a great deal in it. Now,
you all know what a turtle is.
If you have been along by a pond,
you have seen them on a log sun
ning themselves. Now, it is said,
'The -voice of the turtle shall be
heard in the land.' But the turtle
hasn't any voice, that anybody
ever heard, so it must be the voice
he makes in plunging off' the log
into the water. Hence, we con
clude that immersion is meant,
and that immersion will become
nniveral."
THE CONUNDRUM FIEND.
He came in hurriedly with the
usual "How're ye ?" salutation
brushed aside a pile of exchanges,
took a seat on one corner of the
editorial table, and with an ent
couraging smile observed:
"Say, I've got an A 1 conundrum
you can't guess in two weeks. I
had a big notion to send it to the
Scientific Monthly or the Philadel
phia Bank .Note Reporter, or some
o' them leading journals devoted
to original humor and light lite
I rature, but a little reflection told
me it was my duty to patronize
home industry, so I'll give it to you
for notbin'-not charge you a sol
itary red for it."
And squirting a* stream of to
bacco juice with unerring accuracy
into a ten-dollar cuspador in the
northwest corner of the room, he
wiped his mouth on his coat
sleeve and -propounded the follow
ing awful conandrum ;
"Why-which-that is, what is
the difference between the widow
Perkinson and her daughter Sal
lie ? Now tben!"
"About seventeen years, per
haps," we replied at rand:m, with
out susperding work on a labored
and convincing editorial on "How
the Turks Might hive Whipped
Russia."
"Oh, pshaw, no!" he growled;
"you couldn't guess it in two
months; and it is easy enough,
too, when you know the answer.
One-"
"One has a husband and the
other wants one," we again ven
tured.
"No-Great Cesar, no !" be howl
ed in a tone of disgust. "Don't
believe you would stumble on the
right answer in two yea-"
. "One," we interrupted again,
"is a widow and the other is a
wee dear."
"There you go again !" the tone
of disgust considerably deepened.
"You can't guess it in seven
yea-"
":One mourns for a late husband,
and the other mourns because her
husband is late-coming," we es
sayed once more.
"Julius Antony, no 1" he fairly
shrieked, seizing our shears and
fiercely impaling severalexchanges
to the table. "It's a boss conun
drum, .and you might guess for
seventeen years, and you-"
"What was the front name of
the widow's dear departed ?" we
asked, becoming interested in the
fiend's conundrum, in spite of a
previously formed determination
to) kick him out of the back door
in five minutes out of a possible
siX.
"William," he replied, between
his clenched teeth.
"A ba! Now we have a clew to
the answer. One has lost her
Will, and the other hasn't lost her
will-by -a large majority.
"N-n-n 0O!!" he howled, in bold.
faced pica caps, which nearly
overturned our ink stand, and made
the windows rattle. "Great Ob
elisk, man, what a one-boss con
undrum guesser you are ! I'll
tell-"
"One is born to wed, and the
other is worn to-"
Before we could finish our
answer-which if we remember
rightly, fits an original conundrum
propounded by every minstrel
troupe in the land during the past
twenty years-the fiend slid off
the table as if he had collided
with a bent pin, and cried aloud :
"Why, you darned idiot ! you
wouldn't guess it in two hundred
and thirty years. The difference
between the Widow Perkinson
and her daughter Sallie is-"
'"How old is Sallie ?"
"-is this : the daughter has
a moire antique dress. but her
mother has a more antique face.
Sce ?"
* * * * *
We reluctantly confess that the
fiend escaped with his life.-.or
ristown.Hlerald.
It is little troubles that wear
the heart out. It is easier to
throw a bombshell a mile than a
father-even with artillery.
IT WAS ALIVE.
He was rather an uncouth look
ing individual, and as he sauntered
into the store the crowd sitting
on the barrels winked at each
other and made remarks about his
person.
"Where did it come from?"
asked one, pointing at him.
"Somebody left the door open
and it blew in," said another.
"1 don't think it's alive," said
a third.
"Touch it and see," remarked a
fourth.
"Yes, it's a man-see it move?"
queried the first. All hands laughed
boisterously.
"I'm a poor man, and I don't
want to have any trouble with
anybody. I'm a Christian, and 1
don't believe in turmoil and strife
and can't participate in it. I pray
you, wordly minded people, that
you will allow me to depart in
p6ace," said the now arrival.
One of the crowd, more daring
than the rest, hammered the
man's hat down over his eyes,
and another dabbed his nose full
of molasses from a barrel standing
by.
Then the poor Christian took a
volume from his pocket and began
reading the Scriptures in a drawl
ing, sing-song tone.
While he was engaged at this
the crowd played all sorts of tricks
on him.
One put some eggs in his pocket
and another mashed them.
Then the biggest man in the
house poured some oil on his hat
and lighted it.
Then the clerk hit him under
the nose with a codfish.
Then that man quietly put the
little volume in his coat tail
pocket, and the clerk went head
first into the molasses barre.
When the biggeseman in the
house picked himself from under
the counter it was next to an im
possibility to guess whbere his nose
left off and where .the codfish be
gan. No. 1 made work for the
glazier as he hit a ventilator in
the window. No. 2 hatched out
half a barrel of eggs, and No. 3
got up on the pie shelf and stayed
there. As No. 4 walked out of the
door on his back he wondered
how much it would cost to make
him as good as new, and the poor
Christian man remarked
"The next time you folks pick
me up for a slouch look out you
ain't in tue wrong pew. Good
day, fellers."
- The clerk is waitring for them
to comie round and settle for dam
age done, but they must have for-.
gotten where the place is as they
pass right by without looking in'
and their bills remain unpaid.
[Shenandoah Herald.
A HANDY WITNESs.-The plain
tiff, in a case before a recent term
of the Detroit District Court was
somewhat disturbed on learning
that a certain individual whose
reputation for veracity was none
the best was to be a witness for
the defendant. The fellow's ca
pacity for false swearing was no
torious, and unless his integrity
was shaken, plaintiff's case was a
'gone goose.' He hied himself to
a brother litigant, and asked him
if he would believe the witness
under oath.
"No," was the reply.
"You know he is a liar."
"Yes."
"A thief."
"Yes."
"Disreputable in every particu
lar."
"Yes."
"Well, I want you to go on the
stand and swear to your belief."
The friend's countenance became
troubled, and he replied :
"My dear fello w, I would do al
most any favor for you, but, you
see, I have got him employed as a
witness for myself next week,
and I can't afford to impeach his
veracity."
The plaintiff sought testimony
elsewhere, and the false swearer
got his price from both parties.
Graves are but the prints of the
footsteps of the angels of eternal
life.
Fear is the mother of foresight.
MODERN DEFINITION OF
COMMERCIAL TERMS.
Bankrupt-A man who gives
everything to a lawyer so that
his creditors will not get it.
Assignee-Is the ebap who has
the deal and gives himself four
aces.
A Bank-Is the place where
people put their money so it will
be handy when other folks want
it.
A Depositor-Is a man who
don't know how to spend his
money and gets the cashier to
9how him,
President-Is the big fat man
who promises to boss the job and
afterwards sublets it.
A Director-Is one of those that
accepts a trust that don't involve
either the use of his eyes or his
ears.
Cashier-Is often a man who
undertakes to support a wife, six
children and a brown stone front,
on fifty dollars a month and be
honest.
Collaterals-Are certain pieces
of paper as good as gold, due and
payable on the 1st day of April.
Assets-Usually consists of five
chairs~and an old stove, to these
may beadded a spittoon if the
'bust' ain't a bad one.
Liabilities-Are usually a big
'blind' that the assets won't 'see'
nor 'raise.'
A Note--A promise to do an
impossible thing at an impossible
time.
An Endorser-Is a man who
signs a commercial philopena with
a friend and gets caught.
WHAT TO TEACH CHILDREN.
Teach them a true lady may
be found in calico quite as fre
quently as in velvet.
Teach them that a common
school education, with common
sense, is better than a college ^d
ucation without it.
Teach them that one good hon
est trade, well mastered, is worth
a dozen beggarly "Pirofessions."
Teach them that "honesty is
the best policy"-that it is better.
to be poor than rich on the profits
of wickedness.
Teach them to respect their el.
ders and themselves.
Teach them that, as they ex.
pect to be men some day, they
cannot too soon learn to proteeS
the weak and helpless.
Teach them that to wear patch.
ed clothes is no disgrace, but to
wear a "black eye" is.
Teach the boys that by in.
dulging their depraved appetites
in the worst forms of dissipation,
they are not fitting themselves to
become the husbands of pure
girls.
Teach them that they can only
be happy now and hereafter by
loving and serving the Lord Jesus
Christ.
A little chap had a dirty face
and his teacher told him to go
and wash it. He went away,-and
after a few minutes came back
with the lower part of his coun
tenance tolerably clean, while the
urper part was dirty and wet.
"Johnny," said the teacher,
"why didn't you wash your face ?"
"I did wash it, sir."
"You didn't vipe it all over,
then."
"I d;d wipe it as high as my
shirt would go."
"Well, I swan, Billy," said an
yld farmer to an undersized nephew
wvho was visiting him, "when yon
ake off that 'ere piug hat and
;pit two or three times there ain't
nach left of you, is thar ?"
The triumphs of genius are
wonderful. There is 31. F. Les
seps ; he built the Suez canal. In
1869 he married a pretty young
wife, and now she has twins.
Active natures are rarely mel
ancholy. Activity and melan
::holy are incompatible.
Learn not to judge too harshly
af any one, either in respect to
good or evil.
Spiritual health brings the whole
man into active exercise.