The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, October 04, 1911, Image 6
BOWSER SEES 'EM
_____
(
fiats? Not a Bit of It; Only Big
Cockroaches.
i
HE SCOLDS WIFE AND COOK. !
t j
Man of the House Angry That the Women
Had Been Seared by Rodents. '
? Has Unpleasant Experience In Cellar,
' but Stands by His Guns.
Ig?; v
i By M. QUAD. ]
ICopyright, 1911, by Associated literary
Press.]
evening two weeks ago Mr.
B Bowser came home from the
m W office to find Mrs. Bowser seat- 1
i ed on the piano and the cook
standing up on the sofa. One was
nrmed with the broom and the other 5
uWith an old curtain pole, and on the (
face of each was a look that she would '
sell her life dearly.
j "What in thunder does all this ^
mean?' shouted Mr. Bowser as he
paused in the door of^the sitting: room.
/: . "Batsf answered Mrs. Bowser.
' "What sort of an answer is that?
Come down from that piano! By the
great John Henry, has my house been \
turned into an insane asylum?" 1
"Mr. Bowser, there are rats in the j
house," explained Mrs. Bowser as she j
got down. "Cook saw three of them {
in the kitchen an hour ago." 1
* "And one of 'em snapped at me like
a. mad wolf," added the pride of the 1
kitchen as she also reached the floor. *
"I don't believe a word of it! There
isn't a rat within a mile of the house 1
and hasn't been for twenty years. *
Come right downstairs, both of you. 1
Now, show me a rat Go right at it 1
and show me a rat.1" 4
"I think they came up out of the eel- i
iar," said Mrs. Bowser. "I didn't see 3
one myself, but I heard them pattering i
across the floor." <
Sure There Were No Rats. .
Pattering nothing! Cook never even ^
Sho micrht nossihlv have I
can ? wvuovi wuv ....0? v L-~~??? - .
seen a cockroach strolling about, but ?
X doubt that Get dinner on the table <
jwtthin ten minutes or there'll be something
worse than rata around the r
house! By George, but what fools "
iwomen can make of themselves V t
At the dinner table Mrs. Bowser
said: T
"I am sorry you talked so bluntly to
cook. She isn't a girl easily frightened, ?
and I am quite sure she saw at least t
one rat She says three. She came
running upstairs and said they were
' after her, and so I got scared."
"Mrs. Bowser, didn't you hear me j
ill I
/r\ , jft vM.
MR. BOWSER WAS BATTLED. 1
1
eay there wasn't a rat within a mile 1
of this house ?" demanded Mr. Bowser <
as he knocked on the table with the
handle of his knife.
"Yes, but"?
"There are no buts about it What T ]
say about rats goes. Cook saw water <
bugs or cockroaches. They might even
have been ^asshoppers that jumped i
in from the back yard."
"But other houses have rats. "I >. 4
McLain was telling me"? ]
"Mrs. McLain and Mr. Bowser are
two different persons, madam. If Mrs.
McLain has rats in her house she is
welcome to them. I have none in mine <
and never had and never will have, 1
and if I come home and find another
circus performance going on somebody ]
will suffer!" i
Agrees to Whitewash Cellar.
"I'm sure that cook"? began Mrs.
Bowser, when he cut in with: ,
'That will do. The subject is closed. J
1 have told you what will happen if <
any more rats are seen around here." J
A week passed without another rat <
being seen. Then two made their ap- ]
pearance, but disappeared before the <
cook had time to get scared. On the
next day there were four rats and on
the next day one. Not a word was
said to Mr. Bowser until the other
?? Wlun Um Pact.
eftaiag mer uuavi. xucu <uo.
sec carelesely asked:
"Don't you think the cellar ought to
be whitewashed again T*
"Might be a good thing," wag the rePiJ
"Would yea pay a man $3 to do It?"
Three dollars! Three dollars! Not
by the tomb of Allah! The man that
charges $3 for snch a little job is a
horse thief and a swindler."
"Bat if it takes him a day and a
half?"
"He ought to do it in four boon. I
did it in three. FU go down and take
a look at things, and If there Is need
of another coat 111 put it on tomorrow
evening. I believe the pail and the
brush are down there."
Screams From- the Cellar.
Mrs. Bowser had accomplished a part
:>f the conspiracy she had entered into
with the cook. She had got Mr. Bowser
to go down cellar of his own ac:ord.
He got a match and went down
and lighted the gas and went looking
iround for the whitewash outfit. He
was heard to whistle a few bars of a
popular air. He was heard to hum.
He was heard moving about, then a
long, wild bloodcurdling scream?such
i scream as a woman utters when she
Is thrown over a precipice 6,000 feet
high because she will not marry the
LeadiDg man in the Boston Ideal Comedy
company.
A vnicK or?/1 a fall nn tha npilflr stairs
,?3L iUOU UJUU Up *.w** v** v?v ? -?
?another yell.
Then Mr. Bowser, with face as white
as the dead and his eyes rolling. <
"Will you tell me what on earth is
the matter?" asked Mrs. Bowser as
3he came forward.
"I?I saw something down there!
Some?something ran over my foot!"
tie gasped.
"Oh, something did, eh? Well, you've
t>een told there are rats about."
"Of course there are rats," added the
look.
Would Not "Own Up."
Mr. Bowser had taken a decided
stand on the rat question. He had postively
denied that there were rats
ibout He must now own up or bluff
t through. Mr. Bowser is a man who
las never "owned up" over three times
n his life and was then sorry for it
vithin five minutes. He had got a bad
jcare, but he got hold of his nerve and
urned on Mr3. Bowser to shout:
"Rats! Idiots! Lunatics! What I
jaw down there was some stray cat.
She took me by surprise and rattled
tn+tr" nnmo
Jit; J.U1 it 1UUU1CUU JLtlllJi UUJ, I.V1UV
lp here. She won't come, but she's
iown there."
"But If it should be rats?" queried
Urs. Bowser.
"If it should be Satan himself, why
ion't you ask? You are just like all
>ther women. When you get a fool
dea into your head nothing can drive
t out I say it's a cat"
"Then you ought to do down and
ffloo her up. We can't have a strange
rat down cellar."
"I'll have her out in five minutes.
That is, we will leave the door open
md she w 11 come up and take a
skip."
"But if there are rats they will come
lp."
"Woman, haven't I said there wasn't
m infernal rat within four miles of
he house?" whooped Mr. Bowser.
"Yes, but"?
Finds Big Cockroaches.
He turned about and went down celar.
It was the only thing he could do.
Ele must hunt the cat or let the rats
mn^him. The gas was still burning,
md he armed himself with the furiace
poker and went scuffling around
md calling out "Kitty" and "Shoo
:herei"
Nothing developed for five minutes,
rhen four big rats made a dash for
aim from behind a barrel. He struck
it the nearest and fell down and rolled
>ver, and there was another wild yell
md a scramble up the stairs. The four
' -1 -1 L!.l 3 i.
:ats ronowea ana wmsneu uui ui mtdtchen
into the back yard before
jither of the women could open her
mouth to scream.
"Didn't I tell you there were rats
liere?" asked Mrs. Bowser. '
"You did. but where are they?" was
replied. I saw three cockroaches scurrying
out, but where were the rats? I
told you there were none."
"But why did you yell and rush
then?"
"To hump 'em along and give theru
the scare of their lives, of course.
Now. then, let's hear no more cf the
rat matter. I don't propose to have
this house turned into an idiot asylum
because four cockroaches happened to
Irop in on us for a peaceful call!"
Not on Her Side.
A little boy who was very much
puzzled over the theory of evolution
questioned his mother thus:
"Mamma, am I descended from a
monkey ?"
"I don't know," the mother replied.
T never knew any of your father's
people."?Cotton Seed.
J
A Little Girl's Importance.
Grandma (impatiently) ? Dorothy, I
lo wish yon would keep quiet for a
little while!
Dorothy - I'll try, grandma, but
please don't scold me. Just remem^pr
that if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't
be a grandma at all.?Chicago RecordSerald.
? Many Caught. x
? Matrimony Is like a rainstorm 3>
x ?only bad when you're caught $
|> in it?Detroit Free Press. %
Honeymoon Over.
Mrs. Xewedd (pouting)?You are not
like Kate's husband. He won't let his
wife do a bit of heavy lifting.
Newedcl?But I can't always be at
home when you take your bread out of
the oven.?Boston Transcript.
The Way It Qeee Now.
The (greatest novel of the oreWonder
of the notion;
All the rage, sir, all the ra*e?
Daises the whole ereetlonl
Crittoe praise on every handSpeed
the author's mission;
Hundred thousand oopiee and
'Nether biff edition!
Authors?publishers rejoice?
Live on milk and honeyt
*T? K genius?" pipes a voice.
"Gsmiue? No, It's moneyr
?Atlanta Constitution.
Good Money After Bad.
It is a curious fact that many men,
level headed enough about other
things, seem to lose their wits entirely
when they become involved in lawsuits.
In one case recently concluded
in the German courts a Berlin merchant
paid out over $900 to recover
the value of a five cent postage stamp.
He had written a letter asking for an
address and inclosing postage for reply.
Failing to get an answer, he
sued for the stamp.
The famous Missouri watermelon
case was jnsc as uuu cvcu
more disastrous. The seed was
planted on one farm, but the vine
crept through a crack in the rail fence,
and the melon grew on the other
side. Both farmers claimed it, and
instead of perceiving the humor of the
situation they went to law. To add
to the puzzling features of the question
of ownership there was the further
complication in that the fence stood
on a county line, whereupon a question
of the jurisdiction of the courts
came up. The farmers bankrupted
themselves without obtaining a decision
as to the ownership.?Green Bag.
Liquid Dynamite.
The Mexicans have a native brandy
cailed aguardiente, which is a species
of liquid dynamite, as palatable as corrosive
sublimate and as full of potential
deviltry as an egg is of meat.
When you find a Mexican gentleman
adorned with a belt full of deadly
weapons decorating and deluging his
interior with aguardiente it is the part
of prudence to retire to a bombproof.
rr"?-- nnAftini. Hnnla a Tfh i to inn A
XUfi t; is auuiuci u ! utwi ?
cent looking fluid called mescal, which
is distilled from a cactus of the same
name, which has in it all the combined
energy, activity and homicidal
possibilities of a volcano mixed up
with the gable end of a mule. In former
days the Apache Indians made a
crude distillation of the same stimulant,
which they called tis-win. and as
a preliminary to a raid among ranches
and settlements it was a great success
from an Indian point of view.?Boston
Herald.
The Crocodiles Dived.
The cunning of wild animals in concealing
themselves in moments of
danger is well known. A party, spending
a week on the Nile, were watching
eight or ten crocodiles sunning themselves
on the surface of a small lagoon.
It was determined to trap these
monsters, if possible. The water was
breast deep, including about two feet
or more of heavy mud. Four nets
were tied together, so as to make one
long enough to reach across the lagoon,
and this was weighted on the bottom.
This net was drawn with long poles
from each shore, and behind the net
came a line of men a yard apart, prodding
the mud with poles. The scheme
looked like an admirable one, but the
crocodiles sleepily dived, and that was
the last seen of them. The water was
dragged backward and forward, but
they had burrowed so deeply in the
mud that not one could be found.
A Political Genius.
Congressmen sometimes adopt queer
expedients to gain the good wiil of
rhoir pnnsHhipnts. Y-ears aso a mem
ber from a western state was afraid
that his first term would be his last,
as he had not managed to make himself
a power in congress. While he
was debating what he should do a
friend said, "You lire near the center
of the United States, don't you?"
"Yes." "Then why don't you introduce
a bill to have the capital moved
to the principal town in your district?"
The congressman introduced
the bill, and the people of his district
at once concluded he was a great man
and sent him back for anotlipr term.
He reintroduced the bill in the next
congress, and, although it was promptly
pigeonholed in committee, his constituents
gave him a third term as a
reward for his genius.
The Blushing Octopus.
The octopus frequently changes in
color like a marine chameleon. It
would appear, from studies of this
creature, that the colored pigment
whereby this change in color is effected
is contained in envelopes iD its skin,
in the tissue of which are muscular
fibers actuated by nerves. Should
these fibers become relaxed a dark
pigment appears. The phenomenon is
said to be analogous to blushing.?Harper's
Weekly.
Corrected Him.
A reporter was once interviewing
Thomas A. Edison.
"And you, sir," he said to the inventor,
"made the first talking machine?'
"No," Mr. Edison replied, "the first
one was made long before my timeout
of a rib."
I ? I
? Three Not of a Kind.
BIr Henry Maine's famous political
diagnosis is worth quoting. The king
of England reigns, bnt does not govern.
The president of the United
States governs, but does not reign.
The president of France neither reigns
nor governs.?Boston Herald.
Usual Reason.
"He used to be a straight enough
joung chap. What made him get
crooked?'
"Trying to make both ends meet, 1
believe."?Toledo Blade.
His Btrong Fao*
"Bilkein's la a strong face or Tm no
judge of physiognomy."
"It ought to be. Be and his whole
family are living on It*'?Buffalo
Courier.
j Obedience Is net truly performed by
the body of him whose heart hi dissatisfied.?Saadl
' i . i ..
Our Salesmen Will 1
Themselves in the f
? O 11 tl 1
llie long experience ox ail tne salesmen m
tently aid the young folks in their home-fui
and attentively.
EXTENSION TABLES
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with leaves, top measures r ,
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stove an
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Large and spacious well THELIONFU!
made, fine finish, best
grade mirror. A perfect *^26 Mai
beauty, Only . $14.63. Columb
I COME AND BRINE
? bsl m i i.
I AS ?aie?u
October 17,1:
EVERY DAY
Splendid Features-Libe
Railroad
FARMER
Wednesday, C
(Addresses by t. J. Watson, (Jom
Dabbs, President ]
EDUCATIC
Thursday, Oi
Address by A. G. Smith, Agricultu
by Schools for prize:
For full information and
W. J. Met
Personally Interest
feeds ol Your Home
our employ particularly fits them to compe:nishing.
They will aid you painstakingly
Exactly like cut, best finof
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Dr 11 has Only $5.48.
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A BIG DAY. I I
ral Premiums-Reduced I 9
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)ctober 18 th. I
.missioner of Agriculture, S. C.; E. W. i
Farmers' Union. 1
)NAL DAY I
ctober 19 th. J
ral Department, Washington: Contest 1
3. Other Features. H
I Premium List, Write 1
iartha, Sec., '
Bafesburg, S. C.