The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, March 16, 1910, Image 11
* PINKHAM TO TUFT, I
W-'x
Old Pap of the Jericho Postoffice a
Suggests Some Policies. \
t
/ WHO'S BOSS, BILL OR JOE? !
Country I3 on the Inquiry?How About
AinVieh??House Ruction Inevitable. ,
Why Is Butter So High??Meanwhile
Pap Is Not Pernicious. c
By M. QUAD.
CCopyrighted, 1909, by Associated Literary
^ Press. J
|St DEAR WILLIAM?I am
ft/I glad to inform you that there
J * I has been no outbreak in Jericho
for a week past, though I
am continuing my precautions for the r
protection of government property. Any g
one attempting to throw a bomb into
this postoffice will find himself hoist- r
ed higher than Human or Hymen, or t
whoever the old chap was. 3
It was reported yesterday that three g
anarchists were seen on the hills to the ^
west of town, but the rumor lacks con- s
firmation. c
There was also a report that Elder t
Shortwell had been fired at while milk c
IT WAS B?POBTEX> THAT THEKE AXAECHLSTS
WEBB BBSS OX THE HILLS.
tag his cow, bet whether by an enemy
of our administration or n patent
- rights man 1 cannot say.
As 1 informed you some time since. a
I am now the proprietor of the Jericho s
Woolrlv TTti'hhnll nrwl th?? pditor is t
only my creature. This "fact is, of
? coarse, to be kept secret. The issue
of this week contains the following 1
extracts: t
"Old Pap Pinkham. our revered post- *
master, grows upon us every day."
^ "It is said that not a day passes that a
<?. Old Pap Pinkham and the president c
do not have a long and confidential
> talk over the telephone." a
"We warn the disaffected ones in a
Jericho to go slow. Old Pap has sent
V for a Gafling "gun. and if obliged to do t
so he will sweep the streets without J
fcmercy " a
"Old Pap Pinkham. postm^er, wish- t
% es it to be kuowu that he ?Ucheer- i]
" $ fully welcome all postmasters' who ?<
may call at the Jericho office in search
.: \ if of pointers on how to run a bang-up I
, establisbmenL"
*; "We understand that it was by the 2
advice of Old Pap Pinkham that Pres- 1"
? ident Taft left the cocktail out of his r
0 r iprogrant in the west."
r "We asked Old Pap Pinkham the 1
other day if it was true that he con- t
trolled all the appointments in the
New York custom house, and the an- a
swer he made was to wink. When
Old Pap winks there is always some- e
Ililllg UOliJg.
"A wager of 30 cents was made be- c
\* t ween it wo prominent citizens of Jer- a
# "icbo yesterday ibat within another six 1
f months President Taft would drop tfie
. t Roosevelt policies for the Pinkham policies."
? \ Pap's Policy For Taft.
William, your western tour has been
almost as much of a success as
- Wright's flying machine, which has
been so improved that it now gets out
^ of order less than four times per day.
and in a paternal way let me advise
you to now settle down iD the White
House and make business hum for the
'' winter. There are a heap of things to
see to. and among them is another
; fuss with old Joe Cannon. The people
have begun asking each other who is
V the real boss of the country, and you
\ can count on a ruction in the house
this winter. Joseph, as we all know,
is a determined man. and there are a
lot of guns loaded for him, and it may
not bo all plain sailing for you.
There will be the usual charges of
graft in the construction of the Panama
canal. Have your figures ready.
The open door question in Manchuria
is certain to bob up again. In
f, fact, it has been bobbing up right
along, but the next bob will be a big
one, and Uncle Sam will have to show
Ills hand. Is he going: to continue lu
play checkers? j
And how about that monetary law. <
William? Are we to have expansion <
of the currency or only expansion of
p> the chest?
And there's Senator Aldrich. Have
you telephoned him to ask whether he 1
is going to boss the roost again at the
coming session and if the rest of us
have got to beg his pardon for living?
Until the country knows what the sen
a tor is going to do buttermilk Is going
to be a slow sale at rents a quart.
The same old trusts are doing busi'
* ness at the same old stands, and eggs
have goue up to such a figure that it
now costs 10 cents to even look at an
old hen. The people are growling and
asking that something be doue. Are
1
rou going to stir 'em up or let the
hreats of another panic scare you oil
lie roost?
Cause For Kicking.
Those projected western waterways
ire all right. Give 'em all the water
hey want and make every desert and
nountain get up and hump with ferility,
but don't forget that when bin- j
er in the east reaches 40 cents a
>ound there's going to be some high
)ld kickin'. iiight here iu .Jericho
1 tlioi-o a strppl I
lirue unt<s IUVIW HU? ? ^. ? - ,
ade of tliree men. and at their bead ' I
vas a banner on which was inscribed: j
"Butter at 20 cents a pound or? R
leath." 1
And there's Senator Tillman. Don't
'ou imagine he's going back to Washington
this winter to spend his
ime playing poker or listening to Doliver's
fairy tales. Ever since his desk
vas broken open and certain letters
akftu out he's had his back up and
vented to pitch into some one. He
nay go for you. Better have your
runs loaded to shoot back.
If that deficiency in the treasury is
nade up the nert congress has got to
ake economy for Its watchword.
There's got to be a paring down and
laving all along the line. You are ;
toing to recommend it In your mes;age.
but recommending a thing and
arrying it through are two different
hings. You won't find five members
if congress with you for economy.
They'll want that same old appropria- i
ion to widen Salt creek and to deepen
fresh ditch, and there's going to be '
actions.
William, you have had a long vacaion
and a beautiful junket You have
leard brass bands toot, and you have '
faten lobster salads. You have been
:are free, with somebody at hand to
lee that your laundry wasn't left be- '
lind. and it's going to be hard for you
o buckle down to work again. You've
jot to do it, however, and the sooner 1
on get In harness the better.
I wish you to know that in running i
bis part of the United States politicaly
I am not neglecting my duties as
)ostmaster In the slightest During
???* 1 hnro nnctoH lin tha ,
11u paoi a u? v v ^/vutvv* vuv
allowing In the corridor: 1
New Rules For the P. 0.
"To the person mailing the greatest 1
lumber of letters up to Jan. 30,
.910, I will give as a premium a shotgun
once the property of William
'enn. It is In perfect order to shoot
:rows, but is chiefly valuable as a
elic. It is said to be a charm to keep
iff rheumatism."
"To the person receiving the most
etters up to the date given above 1
rill present one red flannel undershirt
md one barrel of cider. The uuderhirt
will be large enough to go over
he barrel."
"To the person inquiring the greatest
number of times per day for mail
ip to the date given I will present a
wo bushel bag of potatoes or twentyour
bottles of ginger ale."
"Pop and root beer on draft in the
innex. A liberal discount to patrons
>f the postoffice." , , ......
"Mrs. Pinkhain will be found in the
innex, ready to serve bologna sausage
ind crackers to all ladies free of cost"
"Intoxicated patrons will not be
hrown out by the neck, as in New
fork, Chicago and Boston, but as soon
o its ooon thot fholr rnndiMnn' is
>*9 It **9 OV.V.U bUM W bMV?? v V..V..?.V7.
lelpless they will be conveyed home
a carriage or sleigh." :
."Tracts against profanity will be
jnd on the window sill as you go out.
)on't swear until after you get one."
"The postmaster will act as strike
rbitrator free of cost, and also give
egal opinions and sign papers as witiess>
"Palin leaf fans, for winter or suniner.
for all those who desire to fan
hemselves."
"Boys on roller skates can come in
:nd inquire for rnaii."
"We check dogs and parcels free of
ost."
"This postoffice is run independently
>f politics or religion, and the grocery
tnnex has a special brand of N. O. moasses
sold nowhere else."
OLD PAP PIXKTIAM. *
(Present Postmaster. You Bet!) 1
(
<
Court or Caught
"Sold your automobile. ebV"
"Couldu't control it. When I ran
fast it took mo to the police court, and
when I ran slow it didn't take ine
my where."
Get Off Cheap.
Redd?Did h.is aeroplane s-ost him
much ?
Greene?Four weeks in the hospital.
-Yonkers Statesman.
Purzled.
She's ro very lovel\\
So dainty, divine.
So graceful and sprightly
And all that is line
That 1 in my fancies
Can hardly make out
It's my wife's old mother
That's dancing about.
?Spokane Spokesman-Rev??i*
J1
\ bverytning now pc
your needs. Now we ext
| EARLY SPRING WI
run from 15c to 50c ay
WHITE GOODS?Tb
variety. Prices very low,
CLOTHING?We she
range from $2.00 to $1
LOW SHOES?We 2
of our shoes goes aut of t
and Craddock's long wear
We are prepared for
rnqurnes.
Are "The Banks of the Wabash"
guaranteed?
Do the "Two Little Girls In Blue"
know that their crowns are passe?
How can I raise the mortgage on
"My Old Kentucky Home?"
Has "The Old Oaken Bucket" been
sterilized?
Is "The Man Who Corrupted Hadleyburg"
the same one who "Broke
the Bank at Monte Carlo?"
Is "A Tramp Abroad" any more ambitious
than the specimens we see in
this country?
Is "The Good Old Summer Time" going
to last all winter??Judge's library.
The Heft of Theft.
"Your methods." said the indignant
"were simulv highway rob
bery."
"Again you wrong rae." answered the
sugar importer. "They were low
weigh robbery."?Ohio State Journal.
Excusable.
meat in these jokes.
.Tester?Well?er?I can't help that,
sir. You see. I'm a vegetarian.
_ _ v
Excusable.
"Does a Russian always teil the
truth, pa?"
"I suppose not. but T think a fellow Is
excusable if he breaks his word now
and then when it is an extra long
one."?New York Press.
Twins.
A man bougiit a real oyster stew.
As many misled people dew.
But Joy came to 3dm
When under the skim
He found net a single, but tew!
?Boston Herald.
NO SUBSTITUTE.
Accept no subst tute for Folesvs
tionev and Tar. It is the best and safest
remedy for coughs, colds, throat
and lung troubles: Contaius no opiates
ani ro barmf ).l drugs. Remem
^er the name, Foley'0 Hon'*" 0-nd Tar,
md accept no substituL< s. Sold by all
Druggist of Lexington, Rjnry Drug
itors Ohkpin, S. C.
| To the Far
| We are offering the fo
5 to be given away the year of
f, 2,400 lbs of Wig
a The only condition is that y<
3 Georgia Chemical Works, Aug
? No one excluded, old
? people what we South Carol
| This idea was gotten
I interest and try one acre of e
5 Association offers for the bes'
6 prize acre of corn with this s:
K as a winner and tell iiini the
E ultivated and amount of Fe
S ?
I The Tri~Co
I M. E. RUTLAND, Preside
???wwrrri^g? mm % -Mftar??w> AMtra?cww?n?tj> a ? 11 it^?n??uw
ii?? ?nn?i i iii im < i ?m i ?wn?mi ?BBOoagg?gga mnm i
>ints to the new season, the time is here. We are read1
7 *
end you an invitation to visit us and inspect our large
IAR?We show everything new in silk finished cloths i
ard.
lis is one of our best departments. We are very strong
, We ask your careful inspection. Always delighted
)w a line of men's and boys' clothing that cannot be <
7.00.
ire selecting only the line that has the best satisfactior
he house with a guarantee. Ask for any of these bram
for ladies and children.
you this spring and ask you to give us your patronage
ST SrJUE?
SWANSEA, S. C.
We Are Starting Over
of Fine Mi
FARM WAC
It is time to haul fertilizers and put out the con:
wagon and nono better than the Mitchell. Old Hickory
the wagon business.
1113-1115 Hampton Avenue
OUB GUABANTEE MEANS
C. D. Kenny Co.
SELL THE BEST AMERICAN RE- ^ \\l A 1
FINED SUGAR AT COST ^ W J\ I
Wp imnorfcand roast every pound of ^ Largest and most VH1
Coffee sold by us. ^ i
Roasted 1 ic to 35c. &
Green 10c to 20c. ! ^ YOU NEED COOC
Fine Teas 25c to SOe. jk
Rice sold at Cut Prices. ^ Picture Frames Ma
Pure Baking Powder 20c lb; 10c lb. ?
Walter Baker's Cocoa 20c % lb. fr \^S Ml ^ <
Walter Baker's Chocolate 20c % lb. $ 'iW ^ & J i
PHONE 157. 163SJ MAIN ST ^ 1027 BSam Streel
COLUMBIA, S. C.
Distemper Remedy for Dogs, (g B B
An old reliable, safe and sure remedy H JHH fl O
for aistemper in dogs, quick and guar- _JB H H
anteed cure, in the early stage of the fl I flfl
disease, Price 50c. Mailed anywhere, m ^
Rice B. Hannan, Pharmacist, Lexing- }?ctorf;.1f>,Pes?it Valves and Fittings
fnT1 q o ? "6 Cane Mills m stock. LOMBA
' COMPANY, Augusta, <
???HI1L Llllllll?1?? BMmrraww
a am HI Bff
COUNTY
mers of EdgefieicJ, 8a!u
Lexington Counties.
llowing prizes for the best one acre of cotton and one acre of c<
1010. "
h Grade Guano, tst Prize; 1,300 lbs Second Prize;
ju use any of t^e following Fertilizers and make an exhibit at
lusia, Ca; Virgir.ta-Carcitna People, Columbia, S. C; Palmett:
Ashepoo Fertilizer Co:, Charleston, S. C.
and young, rich and poor, white and colored, have the same ?
inians grow herein this Southland, by the use of good Fertiiiz
up to try to improve our farming interest as well as improve 1
ach, cotton and corn, and win the prize. This is in addition
t farm axhibit, (Ste Catalogue.) Besides you can enter the con
ame acre. No cost to get in the race. Write the Secretary a p
kind of Fertilizer you will use. We want each exhibitor to
rtilizer used, and have three disinterested parties in your scctio
unty Fair Association, B?
jiit, W. J. McCAETHA, Secretary,
b?n i iimi iniihi iii I'liiMim???a??
y with our new stock to supply
) showing of up-to-date gGods.
in all the leading shades, prices
; in styles, showing an endless
tn chnw vnn
" J
excelled in these parts. Prices
1 to our best trade. Every pair |
ds: Brown's, for men; Godman I
t JS3FS.OS.9
With a New Lot
ules
iment last week of sixtyis
and Mules at $20.00 to
[ off brought a good run
practically cleaned out
ends. We have just unanch
of extra good Mules.
SONS
ipost, no better time to >ny
rand Hackney. These are Jeaders in
Columbia, S. C
SOMETHING.
WV^VWWWWVW?
Rolls of Select I
lL PAPER |
:ied stock in the State, goods marked $
x?c, call and see us, ^
) PAiNT AT $1.15 PER GALLON. ^
ide to Order Cheaper than Elsewhere.
s Art Store $
Columbia, S. C. ^
"repairs
SAWS, RIBS, Bristle Twine, Babbit, Sc., for any make
of Gin ENGINES, BOILERS and PRESSES
and Repairs for same. Shafting, Pulleys, Belting, In*
, Light Saw, Shingle, and Latb Mills, Gasoline Engines,
on IDHNI WORKS AND SUPPLY
Gal _A"f .
??? a^? mmMiiiinui,nimuM . HTfg;<ra?
da, Aiken and |
SI
<?
Kj
ig
orn in each of the above Counties |j
1,000 ?bs Third Prize.
the lair in October at BATE.SBCRG
> Fcr4;!fzcr Co., Cclurn&ia, S. C., zr.J N
Ro'.vine". Evnrvhodv h?-e? <ho\v
err?, am! progresseve ideas in fanning. Ij
the fair. So don't fail to take an ^
* ^ \ /-w C d I AH UM'/A 41?/\ IA\ J SH
I.U IIIV l fl l/.SJ 1 nil Br
lest for both the State and County |
omiiI and tell him to enter your name |
be able to tell how the crop was 5
>11 see the cotton and corn weighed. |
itesbyrg, S. C. 1
J. M. MALPAS3, Treasurer I