Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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m a.<mnwvi* uv S^JPUKMCII wgawpawaa?? ' - DERGERMAiCOBOLER I feut .' I Hans Exhibits a Ficture of Washington Crossing the Delaware. f FOR BUSINESS REASONS ONLY Bert! When Asked to Explain the Mean ing of the Celebrated Work of Art i the Famous Shoemaker Makes a Fool : of Himself. [Copyright. 1D08, by T. C. McClure.] One time vhen I vhas so hard oop dot I can't buy a soup bone for dinner und I don't baf no work for a week dot plumber comes oafer from his shop und says: "Hans, don't you know vhat vhas der matter mit you?" "1 don't haf some cobbling to do," I says. j "But vhy don't you?" P; "Because der peoples vhas hard oop." "It vhas not so at all. It vhas because you don't attract der peo^es to fv ""HOV.' DELICIOUS' I SHALL SIT HEHE ALL DAY USD LOOK AT DOT PICTURE." your shop. If you don't bring "em here, how can dey haf some cobbling done? You see, you vhas an old *5>ootchmans, und you don't think of sooek things. You must do it, however, or you vhill have to go by der poorhouse." V' "Vhell, how can I get der peoples to come in?" I says. 5 "Sliust ash easy ash some grease. Now listen to me." I listen for half an hour, und he Seems to be all right. He brings me oaver und hangs oop a picture called "Washington Crossing der Delaware," ?nd den he makes me a sign dot reads: Ki.... 4<Come inside und see der celebrated picture. - No charge. Free to all. Der cobbler bp* explains. Come in today." > Vhell, t don't know how she vhill Avork, und my wife vhas crying, but I ! get oop in der morning und open der i shop. It don't be ten minutes vhen in comes a man und looks around und ' ' says: ! "Yhell, cobbler, haf you an art gall lery here? Yhere is dot picture?" j j "Right oop dere'on der wall." "Oh, I see. 'Washington Crossing der Delaware,' eh? Who vhas Washington?" ; "He vhas a great man." i "Yes. but who vhas he?" "He can speak five languages und lift a barrel of cider." "Vhas dot all?n "Yhell, he goes across der Delaware in a boat." '"But vhy does he do dot?' "Because he likes to be on der odder HI" D1UV* U1U i 4k - Yon see dot plumber don't tell me nottings about Washington, nnd so I had to make answer der best I can. Dot man stands und looks at me for a minute und den says: "Say, cobbler, you vhas either a fool \ ' or a swindler, und I like to punch your head!" He kifks oafcr my pail of water vhen he goes out. und right avhay a woman ,comes in und says: ."Cobbler, I haf come to see dot great picture. You vhas an enterprising man. und I hope you do vhell. Dot -vhas it, eh? How grand! How natural! It is shust de same ash vhen I - cross dot Delaware myself one summer." "But she vhas ice now," I says. "Oh. so it vhas. Maybe it vhas in der winter I cross, but I don't know. That does Washington do vhen he gets . across?" T +r?T?/vo? a iinrl r*r\ rnrk Ldiico a uiiiia uuu vvui\, ^?^.v -again." rVVhat! Vhat! Do you mean to tell v me dot George Washington take some drinks?" "Like a fish, ma'am." "Unci gets drunk?" "Vhell, 1 don't like to give him arhay, you know." f What One Woman Thought. ' " 'George Washington Crossing der ' Delaware'?after a drink," she says, j "Cobbler, you should not show such a j picture here. It Thill lead to intern- i perance. Some poor man out of work ' und mit a starving family shall come i In here und see Washington uud den j fo out und be drunk for three days, j Take it down or I shall get der police \ ifter you." j She goes out mit a flounce und a ! bang, und I think maybe it vhas bet- j ter to take der picture down. Before I can do so, however, in comes a fat man. I know him to be an undertaker. He looks softly around uud sees dot picture und den says: "Worry nice. Worry nice. Sooch a picture appeals to my feelings. Washington crosses to Trenton und licks der British mid comes back again. Over 80C killed, und yet I vhas not dere to bury 'em. Missed der greatest op* portunity of rnv life. My char-re would j have becu $10 ea -!i. Three thousand dollars right there. tniu I missed it. Cobbler, do you show dot picture to make me feel bad?" "Of course not." "But 1 think you do. You look like just such a man. You vhas glad I don't get der job of burying dose men, and I cau knock your old Dootch head off in two minutes by some clocks." I belief he viiill do it, too, und vhon I got him outdoors at last I vhas some thankful mans. Den a fat woman comes in. She vhas bareheaded und smiling. She haf some slippers on her feet mitout any stockings. She smiles at me und points her finger und says: "IIow delicious! I shall sit here all day long und look at dot picture. Maybe you don't believe it. but I haf a soul for art. I vhas born dot vbny. My fadder painted more ash one hoonered houses, und my dear mudder she makes nineteen crazy quilts. Dot vhas 'Washington Crossing der Delaware.' I recognize him in one second, und I would know dot Delaware river if 1 meet him in China on der darkest taight It vhas beautiful, cobbler?perfectly beautiful, but There vhas dor growler?" "How you mean by der growler?" I asks. "Vby, man, don't yon know dot art und der growler go together? Not an empty growler, but a full one. Den your customers take a drink of beer between looks." "If you like some beer you must go by a saloon." "That! Me. a lady of art. go by a saloon! Cobbler, don't take me for a woman of that sort. You haf inwitcd me in here to look at dot picture. Der growler goes mit der invitatiou." "I don't see it dot vhay." Called a Fraud. "You don't? Don, sir, lot me say dot you vhas an old fraud and 110 gentieman. und I shall go avhay und damage your business mere as feefty thousand dollars a year." Den comes in a big. solid man. It vhas a warm day, und he sweats like a horse und swears like a pirate. Maybe it vhas ten minutes before be says: "Vhell, you old noodlehead, vhat about dot picture?" "She vhas dere." "Humph!" "It vhas 'Washington Crossing der Delaware.'" "Yes, it says so. But how do I know it vhas Washington?" "Can't you see him in dot boat?" "Dot may be Washington, und it may be Jones. Vhat does he go across der river for?" "To see his sick mudder." "Vhat1 ails her? Vhy don't she get sick in der summer?" "I can't tell." "Oh, you can't tell? You hang oop a picture here und invite der pooblic in to see it und den can't tell. Do you know what der crime of felony is?" "No." "Yhell, you vhas felony. Dot means seven years In state prison: yes, seven long years, und you don't get ice cream one single time. Besides dot I sue for damages. I vhas going by der street car vhen I see your sign und shump off. Dot vhas S25 damages, und here goes to get even." Und he kicks me three times und upsets my work bench und goes avhay. Then I tell der plumber all about it he says: "Hans, it vhas all in-der picture. Dere vhas not enough ice in it for dis hot weather." M. QUAD. Just His Usual Break. "Dear me. Matilda, do you know your husband is so tipsy that he fell against your china closet and broke your new set?" "That's nothing new, mother. .Tust one of his brandy smashes."?Baltimore American. i Altitude. "How high did you ever go in an airship?" inquired one of the bystanders. "I once went ns high as 51O.U0U.'" said the daring aeronaut, with a dreamy, faraway gaze.?Chicago Tribune. A Natural Question. Gerald?I get paid for what I know, not for what 1 do. Geraldine? Aren't you always overdrawing your salary? ?New York Tress. Extract From a Novel. Tie felt that she was above him." Cupid's Aim. Tom loves winsome Daisy. .And Daisy favors Will. "Will makes eyes at Maizie. While Maizie pines for Phil. Thilip smiles at Dolly. And Dolly longs for Tod. Ted loves only Polly, And Polly lives for Ned. Thus the 'overs stupid Sorrowing a;e fixed When young Mr. Cupid (lets his arrows mixed. ?Smart Set. 1 ^ 'j\ vittxj?**e tw*ta ;v* r>r?: Ui.~ .>? r^JUAw&ui BOWSER i SCiEIIiST He Gets Crickets and Grasshoppers Mixed Up a Bit. HIS DEAL WITH A FARMER. Thought Singing Insect on His Hearth Would Do the Trick In Brightening His Heme on Rainy Evenings?Uses a d AAA on cuy. [Copyright, 1908, by T. C. McClure.] Not by the slightest sign or token did Mr, Bowser betray the fact when he came home to dinner the other evening that he had anything of unnsual importance on hand. It was only after dinner that he took a small pasteboard box from his pocket and said: "Mrs. Bowser, do you know what our home has lacked for many years past?" "Yes; it has lacked furniture," she replied. "Um! You can't speak without getting off something sarcastic, can you? There has been something lacking to make it a home. I have felt it, and if rou were a different kind of woman you would also have noticed it. As for I | "WOMAN, THIS IS TOO MUCH?TOO MUCH!" the furniture, it's good enough, and if you see any new in the nest ten years you'll be lucky." "We've got a coffee mill, an ax. a hammer, a cat and a gimlet." she said after a moment's thought, "and I can't think of anything else." "But when we sit here of an evening. you and 1, and the house is quiet and we are thinking of days gone by* what do we miss*?" "You don't mean the yeowl of cats?" I "No, nor the yells of loafers. Mrs. Bowser, haven't you got a red cent's worth of sentiment in your makeup?" ! "Of course I have, but why don't you ! tell me what you are trying to get at? Has it anything to do with that box?" I "It has all to do. The other rainy j evening when we sat here by ourselves I I noticed how unnaturally still the | house was. The stillness got on to my nerves?no cat purring on the hearth, ; no rats gnawing in the partitions, no mice squealing, just the drip of the rain and the solemn tick of the clock. I looked at you. and you seemed to have suddenly grown ten years older." "Thanks, Mr. Bowser. I was probaV,l?. .../.nrlnvin/r hftn* 1/"? rrrtt 'O Ollt vij ^ vmiciiue, UVM w of you for a new pair of stockings." "Suddenly it struck me that what I missed was the song of a cricket. The song that would have brought cheer to us was not here. I theu and there made up my mind that the want should be supplied as soon as possible." "And you've got a cricket in that box ?" "I have. A farmer brought it in to ine today, and I gave up a dollar for it. I am now going to put him down on the hearth and let him liDd his home, and within ten minutes he'll besinging in a way to rejoice your heart. There he goes." "And yon call that a cricket?" ejaculated Mrs. Bowser after regarding the insect for a moment. "You don't suppose I'm idiot enoughto call it a rhinoceros, do you?" "But it isn't a cricket at all. It's just a big grasshopper." "Nonsense!" ' Ftnf T toll YOU it's so. It's a big grasshopper. Look at his wings and his long hind legs. Why, that farmer must have taken you for a child or an idiot r Resents Wife's Remarks. Mr. Bowser turned as white as snow and then as red as a beet. Then he bristled up all over and rose up and said: "Woman, this is too much?too much I" "Yes; too much grasshopper.** "But lVs not a grasshopper!" he ?f thft f An a f htc SUUllltfU ?JL (in; ivji VI 1110 . "It certainly is. and any man who over lived in the country will tell you so. I'll prove it by the encyclopedia. We needn't quarrel over jr. but that farmer certainly sold you a grasshopper. Sin?! Why. he'il never sing any more than a piece of putty! lie can't. ! lie isn't built that way. He's built for ! jumping." ' I "Gave you quite finished?" asked Mr. Bowser in tones so quiet that they were ominous. "Yes, I suppose so." "Then let me remark that this is a | cricket. It is a singing cricket. He j will sing when he gets good and ready. I He will sing l'or mo. and you will be ! entirely out of it. In your envy and jealousy should you so far forgot yourself as to haul off and hit him a swat with the broomstick 1 will make your ! heart ache if I hare to live a hundred j ? i years longer to do it. That's all." "Don't be afraid of my teaching your : old grasshopper." i ".My cricket, you mean." Mrs. Bowser passed into the library and took down a volume of the encyclopedia and returned with it. She found quite a space devoted to the cricket, accompanied by an illustration, and she asked: 4tT\rvA<>. fV?nf nlr.f nro s\ f n InnV JL/UCd Luau Vi. u. viivuwi. ivvu like your grasshopper?" "Madam, the case was settled five minutes ago. Please keep quiet. My cricket has come to a strange house, and I wish him to get friendly and be- I gin to sing. Iu passing, I may remark that I do not care a rap for all the encyclopedias on earth. For the first sixteen years of my life I lived in the countiy. I saw owls; I saw crows; I saw crickets; I saw grasshoppers; I saw toads. I do not think I have degenerated into such a blooming idiot that I cannot now tell one from the other." "Then I had perhaps best go upstairs and give your?your insect a chance to feel at home and begin warbling?" "It might be a very good idea, madam?a very good idea. I imagine there's something about your voice he doesn't like." Mrs. Bowser disappeared, taking the cat with her, and Mr. Bowser picked the insect off the floor and began to closely examine him. He had believed !< .1 Tr? ho lovnl tn IlitTISelf he must keep on believing. There were the wings and the long legs, however. If crickets didn't fly, and lie didn't believe they did. of what use were the wings? The cricket, as he remembered him, hid in the crevices of the hearthstone and sang songs. Then of what use the long legs? The fanner was an innocent looking mau. b'gosh, but had ho played a trick? Had ho sold his integrity for a dollar? No! Never! It was a cricket all right, and it was his place to stick to it until death overtook him. Came to Talk Politics. lie bad just put the insect down again and was listening intently for a few low notes of song when the doorbell rang, and he went to answer the call. He found Smith. Green and Jones on the steps. They had come to talk over ward politics with him. As they eiitered the sitting room he said: "Boys. I've got a prisoner here, and you'll have to look out and not step on him. I've been wanting a cricket for a long time, and a farmer brought me one today." "Cricket on the hearth, eh?" laughed Smjth. "Ah, I see him! Say, you don't call this a cricket, do you?" "Of course I do." "Then they've got a new breed since I was a boy.. I should call this a grasshopper." "Sure it is." added Green. "Bowser, io crkff flint** Wp U ill J yj U IU1UH UO ?* o KJVI. v WVJ v W r w were all brought up in the country, remember." "Yes. it's a grasshopper, and a thumping big one," said Jones as a clincher. Mr. Bowser turned seven different colors in seven seconds. His first idea was to order the men outdoors, but he saw it wouldn't do. They looked at him and noticed his perturbation, and' Green said: "Perhaps you are not feeling very gay this evening, Bowser?" "X-no." "That's plain to be seen, and well come in tomorrow night. Come, boys." And when they had gone Mr. Bowser went downstairs and got the ax and brought it up. Then he took, off his coat and vest, spat on his hands, seized the instrument of death, and after one awful blow the cricket was no more. Then he went up to bed, and good Mrs. Bowser never let him see the smile on her lace. M. QUAD. A Personal Appeal. If we conld talk to you personally about the great merit of Foley's Honey and Tar, for coughs, colds and lung trouble, you never could be induced to experiment with unknown preparations that mav contain some harmful drugs. I Foley's Honey and Tar costs yon no more and has a reoord of forty years of cures. For sale at Derrick's Drug StOTP. H. A. FOR CHf t \ Z JMTiM! * if~J Ladies1 ROCKERSf"^" I wish to call your special attention to my line of big fine oak and mahogany finished Rockers at, special Everything in Fur H. J PostofSce Block mmmmm.mm. 1 DERRICK'S i ? I Cut Priee Sals w $ |pl Wine of Cardui and all Female Tonics, $1.00 sizes, now 75c. Dr. King's New Discovery for Coughs and Colds, 50c. and $1.00, now 40c and 80c. ?sesL ruaney ivieaicines, $>i.uu , sizes, now 75c. Best Rheumatic Cures, $1.00 sizes, now 75c. Cod Liver Oils, $1.00 sizes, 75c. itfSj Sarsaparillas, 11.00 sizes, 75c. Electric Bitters, $1.00 and 50c. sizes, now 80 and 40c. |j?| Beef, Wine aud Iron, large botg ties, 40c. Pp All Liver Regulators 20c. I DERRICK'S I M LEXINGl m Sabscriiie for Tire We Serve *.lie J>cf ^ Kverythir Call ana try our pi cs Fair "R L. G. AAttEL 15 ft I New Let Tl u Hi Hi Hi I ? Let the Christ $ $ come while the ? varied?come bei I ? crowd?come be # | picked oyer and 1 Come here at 1 <K | Christmas Shop] | ters and you will & ! THE R. L. I ? ji 2 | Two Stores 01 ? 1 COLUMBIA, - - A ^/l i I MTU IISTMAS FUI ' Desks from $4 IPO KO MORRIS C ^ | J 8 | A Morris Chai l2ElfilBn9 vou can 2>*ve a 111 v# 1t-P hJ* home, too. Spec niture, and cheper thai DK HP1 2EK ~VHr msmm g )RUG ST0RE1 i Until Jan.! | ' Colgate's Violet Talcum Pow- ^ ders, 25c., now 20c. jffljf 10c. Talcum Powders, 5c. * & ' room wasnes, ^c. sizes, i^oc. Violet Cream, 50c., now 25c. ^ Toilet Ammonia, 10c. bottles, 5c. Perfumes, 25c.. now 20c. Hair Brushes, 50c., now 30c. Tooth Brushes, 25c.. now 20c. Best Household Dyes, 5c. pkg. v-' 4 Horse and Cattle Powders, 50 and 25c. packages, 35 and 15c. Black Draught 20c. All Liniments, 25c. sizes, 20c. J&jj Euthvmol Tooth Paste, 25c. size, |?j| Now 20c. IRlTi STORE! m, s. c. Lexington Oispalcfi Everything New, Clean and Up-f^-Date Siar Restaurant M and LunsSi stseta 3m sr Ladies and Srntiemen Wf iUICK SERVICE . I tst CofFee Served in the City reek and you will be pleased. ,LOS9 Prop. 112 Main Street, COLUMBIA, S. C. s lem [Come I 1 9 *j ft mas Gift Givers ? . selection is so X Eore the crush of ? fore others have t even looked at. S w :he old reliable f $ Ders' Headquar- * be pleased. * BRYAN CO., 1 i Main Street, g 1 ?A ? ? S. C. r V DR'S . RNITURE Ji. KA iin til V jhairs Qr nn r is the best present % 8 3 a 3 3 man. It helps the e|b| n||| nal sale i the other fellow. jOR 4*4 Columbia, S. C.