Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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A Bunch of Timelu I Arizona Kicklets Things Happen Right Along and Keep the Editor on the Jump. [Copyright, 1906, by P. C. Eastment.] XX TE had to shoot George Tay% J\ J lor in the shoulder last V Y Sunday to keep him from shooting us in the tx>dy, and we are glad to announce that he is doing as well as could be expected. Colonel Henderson denounces us as a liar, a cheat, a swindler and an assassin and declares that he will snoot t?e on sight. Our office hours will not be changed on this account. Gome in and plug away, colonel. <= ' The mail rider on the Grasa valley route says that two big timber wolves v chased him for a couple of miles on his .trip last week and that while it seemed ? f / , . . i, BSfer' . * TWO BIO TIMBER WOLVES CHASED HIM. as If they might overtake and drag him from his saddle all he could think of was how good a nice glass of beer would taste. He drank thirteen of them in succession as soon as he struck town and is reasonably drunk yet. Four cowboys belonging on the Bar ranch pursued us as we were riding homeward froth Lone Jack the other day; but, though they fired over forty bullets at us, we arrived at the office unharmed. Sony to disappoint the Kays hut w have a mission to live for. Our esteemed contemporary announces that some one shot at him as he was making his way homeward at a late hour the other night. There are three or four old mules wandering the streets, and he was probably mistaken for one of them. Either that or he w^nts a sensation to show that he still lives after the hard winter. We were told the other day that Henry Halpin, the lawyer, had drawn up a petition to have us removed from the postmastership on the ground that played poker. We buckled on our guns and gave Mr. Halpin a call, and he denied point blank that such an idea had ever entered his head. f In making a land deal the other day we became possessed of three more mountains and four more precipices, and we can now fill all orders without delay. Please mention what height of mountain you would like and whether you want a dreadful precipice or only an ordinary. No extra charge for a mountain which gives off. avalanches occasionally. To the best or our Knowledge ana belief 5,000 unmarried women dumped down in Arizona could find husbands within a week, and also to the best of our knowledge and belief 4,500 of them would wish inside of /a fortnight that they hadn't done it. ?_ The position of agricultural editor on this paper is open to some smart young man who is aching to make a hit in journalism. The salary will be $9 per week to start on. and when he gets along far enough to tell the difference between buffalo grass and a steer's tail he will be advanced. He must have two guns and be lightning on the draw. If shot while defending the reputation of the Kicker he will be buried at our expense. The coroner was informed four days ago that the body of a man supposed to be an actor who was trying to reach this town one day last winter to open in "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was lying on Breeds hill, but the most faithful search on his part has failed to find the remains. The actor would have died after reaching the town anyway, and there seems to have been no harm done. It was generally understood that on Washington's birthday we were to raise a big flag over the Kicker office, and a crowd numbering about 300 gathered early in the morning. Every man was armed, and every man meant to shoot Old Glory through the heart, but no flag was raised. Twenty years hence we may decide to take chances, but not just now?not for Joseph. "Hazle Dell" was the title of a play given at the Hellso Opera House last Tuesday and Wednesday nights, and the result was Just what we warned the pigheaded manager would be the case. There were no murders or abductions in it, and no dancing or ^ ~ At, *v UIIvWUjJ; liiKT clliU uic iwiijimh; j i \ had to be financially assisted to leave town. They were lucky to have escaped all the bullets fired on the las: night The latest quack doctor to arrive in Giveadam Gulch is named Harvey, and from the looks of him we don't believe he knows a case of broken leg from an enlarged liver. Our observations may seem rather candid to him, but it's a way we have got into. Mr. William Fry, living out on the Dog Creek road, had the misfortune to lose his wife one day last week. He boxed her ears soon after breakfast, and when he came home last night it was to find that she had taken the $200 in the house and fled. As soon as Mr. Fry's grief subsides a bit he will go to St. Louis and select another companion. The one who skipped was a variety actress and never did take kindly to Arizona. There were no brQkers at hand to pay for her dinners. * Mr. John Melcher, the hardware man, and Mr. joe Bierce, the grocer, got into an altercation the other day and drew their guns and began shooting. They were given ten minutes in which to damage each other and then separated. An old woman with, a club could haf e made a better showing. Why will such men persist in carrying guns around and wasting copper bound cartridges? The editor of the Lone Jack Recorder has broken loose again. He offers to head a deputation to wait on us and give us ten minutes in which to prepare for the other world. He calls Arizonians -a race of cowards for permitting us to live as long as we have, and hints that the time may come when he will be forced to act. Poor boy! He never had the real colic before, and it grips him hard! We are sawing wood and saying; nothing, but we have our eye on the next presidency just the same and are quietly laying our wires. Our tintype looks to be that of a fool of a man. but have patience and give us a fair show. Abe Lincoln beat us all to death in being homely and knee sprung, but he got there when enough snow fell to make good sleighing. M. QUAD. All Doubtful. -rrro n o ^*r?Aof vi*orlin<T Sqm " * JL7CLL nao c*. n vuuiiita,, "Deed it was." "Well, who was the lucky man?" "Dat's hahd to say. De groom thought he was de lucky man till he squinted at de bride and foun' out she had wrinkles lak a weddeh map." "Huh!" "Den de best man thought he was de lucky man till he foun' out de rabbit's foot de groom had gibben him was er cat's foot." "Lan's! Den de preacheh mus' hab been de lucky man?" "Woll hp kinrlpr nnffpd lin dflt wav t? x' ~ ? ?xt *r till arteh de ceremony, and den be discobehed dat de dollar de groom had passed him as a fee was lead."?Houston Post.. A Gentle Hint. "Oh, yes," Mr. Staylate was saying boastfully, "I've never felt the least bit unstrung. My nerves are always 'steady as a clock." "As a what?" asked the weary girl. "A clock." >4Ah, yes, a clock?a clock."?Catholic Standard and Times. T Looked That Way. "Now, I cannot exactly tell whether you are a married < man or a roller skater," said the professor, examining the* hnmns rvn thp man's head, "but from the extraordinarily large size of this bump I think you may be both."? Yonkers Statesman. It Wonld Seem So. Miles?DeRanter, the actor, lost $500 speculating in sugar stocks last week. He says it has cured him of the gam-, bling habit. Giles?Ah, he's a sugar cured ham, as it were.?Chicago News. Dear Girls. Eva?You were playing whist with Jack? Were you playing for money? Edna?No, for kisses. Eva?Ah. how I admire a cheerful loser!?New Orleans Times-Democrat. The Thins His Master Could Not Do. The Gardener (tendering his resignation)?No, sir. It's the missus I can't abide. She's got inter the 'abit o' talkin' ter me jest like wot she does ter you. She fergits I can leave when I wants ter.?Pick Me Up. It Was a Hint. " 'The curfew shall not ring tonight' He grave the line a swing. "I hope you are not like the bell." She cried, the lively thing:. "What do you mean?" he gently asked. She smiled, "Without a ring." ?Cleveland Plain Dealer Patriotic Remnants. THE evening of the Fourth has came, Eut where is Willie's ear? The one that's left looks quite the same. But where is Willie's ear? This morning when he went to play With cannon crackers all the day His lugs were twain. Now where, I prav. Is Willie's other ear? Upon the Fourth the sun has set. But where is Albert's nose? We've all our little darlings vet, vBut where is Albert's nose? When to the fray he went at morn With matches, punk and powder horn He'd all the things with which we're born? Now where is Albert's nose? The gloaming's started in to gloam, But where is Charlies leg? The rest of Charles has all came home, But where is Charlie's leg? The man who drave the ambu-lanee Said laughingly, "No more he'll dance. But 'twill be cheaper buying pance"? Ah, where is Charlie's leg? Thus every Fourth our darlings lose Some features or a limb; 'Tis 'most enough to cause the blues And make our lot seem grim. But, many be their limbs or few Compared with those that on them grew. We'll shout for Yankee doodle do From dawn till dusktide dim. ?Strickland W. Gillilan in Judge's Magazine of Fun. A "How to'' Graduate. "Now, my dear." said the young husband after the cook had left in wrath. "I will go and get a nice rib roast and some potatoes and tilings, and I know you can prepare a dinner that will be fit for a king." "I could get up a luncheon, darling, but not a dinner." "Wliv vnn tnnk first nrize at eookimr school!" x ""Yes, but I only studied the branches that taught how to get up a dainty luncheon from the cold meats and scraps of yesterday's dinner. Oh, I'll tell you! You go somewhere and get some scraps and I'll make the dearest croquettes you ever tasted."?Judge. Expert Advice. UL H . w " J,??1 ? IT I"":l ko&%s i| I !) KHO*-* I | j PoWct j t j i | NOT ) ! .? ? M ft i , CRush i ':Cur 1! 1'- iU.?.,Vu.di jjj I \UteZek I |wwt* j ' Nervous Passenger?And what should we do if the bottom of the elevator fell out? Stolid Elevator Man?Keep yer seats, please. Durable. Mother?Why are you crying, dear. Daughter?Boohoo! I made Henry some crullers, and he was tickled to death. Mother?Why, my child, then you should be laughing instead of weeping. Daughter?No. He said he was tickled because they would make such beautiful brown rings for the curtain poles.?Chicago News. / v A Chilly Comparison. "Which is better, brains or money?" "Well," answered Mr. Dustin Stax, "I hate to say it, but it seems to me that people with brains always have to have money, while people with money can, on a pinch, manage to get on without help."?Washington Star. Brain* on the Increane. Redd?They say there are fewer people betting on the races now. Do you suppose that means money is getting scarcer? Greene?No; it only means that brains are getting more plentiful. ? Yonkers Statesman. Happy Pair. "The Arnolds are a very happy couple after all these years. How do you account for it?" "Well, he can't get over the idea that he married a mighty good woman and spends some time each day to prove it to her."?American Spectator. About Itigrht. Ragson Tatters?What does dese society papers mean by a "man about town?" Weary' Willie?Well, Ragsy, that's uothin' in the world but a hobo that always manages to have the price.? Detroit Free Press. Hnm t*I ion Gunner?They are complaining because that fraudulent insurance company bad too many dummy directors. Guyer?I should think they would be complaining because it had too many dummy policy holders.?Detroit Tribune. The Point of View. How differently things may be viewed! From a monetary standpoint it takes ten mills to make a cent, while from a pugilistic view it takes hundreds of pounds to make one mill.? Baltimore American. Sure to Be Remembered. "Will you think of me when I'm gone?" he asked. * li^.l M "l will ror awn lie." sue repneu. ai.v foot's terribly sore where you stepped on it at the dance the other night."? Denver New? r l? | j ^ ' I ? /v^Lr I I N I Yellow ] i The trouble is, your liver's ij 9 sick* One of its products, \ 3 "bile," is overflowing into | ? your blood* S [3 You can't digest your food, W Syour appetite is poor, you g suffer dreadfully from head- J ache, stomach ache, dizzi- 5 I ness, malaria, constipation, -J i | etc* What you need is not a | I | dose cf salts, cathartic water g | or pills?but a liver tonic 3 ertrd'V' This great medicine acts gently on \ g the sick liver. It purities the blood, j k renews theappetite. feeds the nerves, |j fc clears the brain and cures consti- @ t- It is a true medicine for sick liver 9 K and kidneys, and regulates all the I K digestive functions. Try it. 3 At all dealers in medicines in ? jj 2Sz packages. ^ NEW YORK HARBOR. I some 01 tne wonuers 01 run tcssei Crowded Port. To present to the mind an easily conjured picture of New York harbor one might make the comparison of the upturned right hand, with the long, straight forefinger for the lower stretch of the Hudson, with the thumb, joint turned out, standing for the bent East river and the palm of the hand representing upper New York bay. The three together make r.p the harbor of New York. As Hudson river shelters most of the north Atlantic liners while in port, so does East river harbor those that go to make up the truly foreign fleets. Here they are, pier after pier of them?the steamers that go to the far countries. Mind the roll?Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Peru, west coast of Africa, Australia, India, China, Japan! And bark again to the call of the ports ?Rio Janeiro, Buenos Ayres, Valparaiso, St. Paul de Loauda, Cape Town, Tamatave, Sydney, Singapore, Hongkong, Yokohama! And the strange stuff of their cargoes! Rubber from the Amazon swamps?see the naked Indians tapping the trees and the slimy reptiles in the shadowy ooze; horn and tallow from -the pampas?mark the centaur-like vaquero and his whirling riata; gold dust, ivory, paim on irum the west coast Dreams for you there! Palm oil and gold dust and ivory; ele7 phants and sacrificial fires and trains of captive slaves; hemp, tea, silks and smuggled opium?and do not believe that opium is not smuggled into New York harbor to this day. You think of all that, and your imagination flames. The gentlemen in the pilot houses are not always in placid moods. Wild eyed men glare out from pilot houses aloft, like eagles from their eyries, and pass the time of day. Says one: "Where d' y' think you're going? Back, will you?" And the other: "Back? Me back? Me?" "You? Yes, you, you slop eyed, slack mouthed, spine twisted fresh water goob, you square headed, fatherless"? And so on, detailing irremediable flaws in the genealogy, after which both back down and avert the impending collision.?James B. Connolly in Harper's Magazine Forced Liberality. It is not often miserliness gets such a straightforward rebuke as in the case quoted by the Montclair Times. T? i-1? -1? MMniitira Motliml. XII III" em 1) UU^S Ul J/1IUJJU I V 4UVVUVVI ism there traveled in England an eccentric minister named Xeale, who was famous for his plain talking. On one occasion he was preaching missionary sermons at a village so noted for its small collections that he determined to pass the plate himself. On his round he came to a farmer whe was, as Mr. Xeale well knew, the richest man in the place. This individual placed a penny 011 the plate. Mr. j Xeale stopped immediately and said in ! a loud voice: ''Take your penny out, man, take it out! Don't you see you've covered up your laborer's sixpence?" The rebuke was effectual, and a much more valuable coin was placed on the plate. Beware of Ointments for Catarrii that Contain Mercury, as mercury will surely destroy the sense of smell and completely derange the whole system when entering it through the muAA.no . ".foAn.. CtmVt ch/vnlrt n^vpr i tyur* J*Ui tav.ro k UVU ul uvtvu mw w* be used except on prescriptions from reputable ph\sicians, as the damage they will do is ten fold to the good yon can possibly received from them. Hall's Catarrh Care, manufactured by F. J. Cheney & Co., Toledo, 0 , contains no mercury, and is taken internally, acting directly upon the J blood aud mucous surfaces of the system, j I In buying Hall's Catarrh Cure be sure you | get the genuine. It is taken internally and I made in Toledo, Ohio, by F. J. Cheney & I r\- rr?4 - ?. ?: 7 ? VjU. iro'iuiuuiaio ucc. i Sold by druggists. Price, 75c. per bottle Take Hall's Family Pi'ls for constipation I S | AIR LIIVE | NORTH-SO DTI Two Daily Pullman Vestibi SOUTH AND . First Class Dining Car Service. Eastern cities via Richmond and steamers to Atlanta, Nashville, Mer New Orleans and all points South and Jacksonville and all points in shortest line North and South. ^BTTor detailed information, ra I&c.. apply to any ageDt of the Seal BURROUGHS, Traveling Passeng CHARLES F. STEWART, Assis SAVANN MBBtaBn?ana?a iiisini ra ji r WnULtMLt 1603 MAIN STREET WASHGOODS Colored organdies in all the latest figures 12.',c. quality 10o. 100 pieces Scotch Lawn 4c. We have a special value in large figured Lawn?Ask to see them.. 6',c. 27-inch Brown Linen 10c. Light Merrimack prints 5c. Dress gingham 5c. WEnT~G00DS 40-inch Lawn 10c. 32-inch Lawn, special value 5c. 27-inch Organdie 10c. 72-inch Organdie 25c. 27-inch White Linen 15c. 36-inch White Linen 25c. DRESS^OODSANDllLks. We are receiving new goods in this department daily? 50-inch Mohair, all colors 48c. 30-incli Brillantine blue and black.. 25c. 27-inch China Silk, all colors 48c. 18-inch White Jap Silk 25c. We have some very good barg will be pleased to have our shown through our stock. IThc Palmetto . COLUIKB United States Government, Stat Capital paid in Sui*plus profits Liability of Stockholders Security for depositors' Interest allowed in Savings Depart Payable Q United States bonds South Carolina bonds OFFIC Wilie Jones, President. J J. J. Seibels, First Vice-Pres.* 1 Thos. Taylor, Second Vice-Pres. ^ This is the people's bank?"of the people." Loans to small merchants and smt ones. We ivant your business, Ba 8 o'clock p. m. for accommodation ( ||fc BUY THE Bef- : u ^se ^y Other Write THE NEW HOME SEWING MACHINE COMPANY ORANGE, MASS. Many Sewing Machines are made to sell regardless of quality, but the ** Vcw Home" is made to wear. Cur guaranty never runs out We make Sewing Machines to suit aii conditions Dfthetrade. The ** Xew Home '* stands at the head of all family sewing machines Sold bv authorized dealers only. FOR SALE E* W. P. ROOF, Lexington, S. C. HILTON'S Life for fhe Liver & Kidneys, THE BEST PREPARATION KNOWN FOR THE CURE OF i Dyspesia, Liver Complaint and j Disorders of the Kidneys IT IS PLEASANT TO TAKE. i It excites a pleasing sense of warmth in the stomach, diffusing itself through the system. It augments the appetite, improves digestion, wards off malarial and thns prevents chills and fever, and is a perfect regulator to the whole system. 25., 50c, and $1.00 bottles. For sale at the Bazaar. Wholesale by the Murray Drug Co., Columbia, j ly?jniy o, ud, u. | % O&RO I KAILW AY. 3-EAST- WEST~ lie Limited Trains Between ]>EW YORK, The best rates and ronte to al Washington, or via Norfolk and nphis, Louisville, St. Louis, Chicago, and Southwest to Savannah and Florida and Cuba. Positively the i tes, schedules, Pullman reservations* ward Air Line Railway or to W. Ler Agent, Columbia, S. C. tant General Passenger Agent AH, GA. 5%3Lr..mm*iff' r, COLUMBIA, S. C. MILLINERY! MILLINERY! MfSs Jiiieanor.Uiary will be in charge 4 of our Millinery Department again this season, this being our first season in SPRING MILLINERY you will find everything new and upto-date in this department. Call and see us before purchaseing a hat. ^ SPECIALS. Art Squares. $3.98 Rugs 27x63, special 98c. 1000 yards Embroider}- 5c. 1000 yards Embroidery, special. ... 10c. s Corset cover, Embroidery 20 and 25c. Gilt Belts 25 and *50c. jueatner joeirs . .&> and 50c. Mennens Talcum Powder 15c. fains in all departments and we Lexington friends call and be i^aliomil | IA, S. C. ' :e, City and County Depository. W $2=0,000 00 3 12.500 to m 250, COO CO m 1515,500 00 W meiit at 4 per cent, per Annum, M uarferly. gf ?]oo.ooo oo m 82,000 00 g :ERS. 8 r. P. Matthews, Cashier. V tV. M. Gibbes, Jr., Ass't. Cashier, n Weston* & Aycock, Attorneys. P i people, for the people and by the 8 ? ill farmers as much desired as large 8 * ,nk opens every Saturday from (> to )f wage earners. 8 i J. H. Eleazer I < v t < Will Save you Money in his > ; Haberdashery I J DEPARTMENT. [ j ] The Best and Latest Furnishings j can always be found here in I < . t ] Shirts, Collars, Cuffs, Gloves > ' UNDERWEAR. [ ^ ] WHITE AND FANCY VESTS. [ i ?"^~0ur Spring Line [ : SOFT and STIFF HATS [ a r ' J are here, comprising Knox, Stet- > { son and other makes. Prices, | J ?1.00 to $5j00 ( I ' All .the New Blocks in y ? j STRAW HATS. ; ] At all prices. > * j SUITS MADE TO ORDER. FIT [ , j GUARANTEED. > i 1514 Main St.,Columbia, S.C. | < ! J. M. CRAPS, Dealer in all kinds of Furniture, Toilet Sets, COFFINS AND CASKETS. RUGS, MATTRESSES, BLANKETS. COMFORTS, BED SPREADS, CLOCKS, WATCHES. JEWELRY, ETC. LEXINGTON, - - S. C* August 23, 1905. 1y. T. X. Ij. lelieves when properly applied. \ i