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Brother Gardner I And Bia Words He Speaks Against Them and Rakes His Comrades Over the Coals. r: - ' Cr-r-V ' {Copyright, 190l\ by McClure, Phillips & Co.] 44 11 y|Y frens," said Brother Gardner II/ of the Limekiln club as he I Y 1 rose in his place the other evening, "I want to say a few .words to you on a subject dat has been befo' us two or three times befo\ I am referrin' to de use of big words by members of dis club. "You all know my opinyun on de matter, and yet it seems dat dar am some among yon who don't mean to heed it I have allns held and alius shall dat when a pnsson can make fcisself plainly understood by his feller men he shouldn't go gropin' around in de dark in search of anything more. | :When a man understands you to say dat you will black a stove for 25 cents "WHBH ALONG COMES BBUDDEB PLAPJACK WHITE." or whitewash a kitchen ceilin' for 75 I don't see whar any big words am gwine to help de case any. Im the Grocery Store. "A few nights ago I was in a grocery nieh mv house to srit a pound o' sugar. I asked for one pound, and de grocer understood. I didn't use no big words In askin' for a pound, and be didn't use any in sayin' it would be 7 cents and no trust. I bad got de sugar wben Kurnel Kabiff come in. He bad bis bat on bis ear and was steppin' bigb and didn't dun notice me. He wanted two pounds o' oatmeal, and be walks up to de counter and says: " 'Mistah White, de transcendent qualifications of your pre-eminent and disqualified oatmeal has tempted me to become a purchaser agin.' / "He got his meal and walked out wid a feeiin' dat he had crushed dat grocer as flat as a pancake, but dat am whar he was mistook. When Brudder Kabiff had gone de grocer turned to me and said: u 'If dat am one of de fool niggers of your club you'd better learn him to | talk English.' "I was in a coal office a few days ago," contiued the old man, "and Brudder Samuel Shin dropped in to order a quarter of a ton. It wasn't sufficient for him to say how much he wanted and hand ober his money, but he had to swell out his chest and clear his throat and roll up his eyes and obsarve dat owing to de emblematical disquisition of de embargo he found hisself prehistorically impelled to purchase less dan his usual quantity of carnivorous combustion. De look of self complacency on his face as he walked out would put a June mawnin' outer bizness purty quick. I notice dat Brudder Shin am wid us yere tonight, and I want to ax him what he meant by his langwidge." When 'Twas Transacted. ' "I meant dat I hadn't only money 'nuff to pay for a quarter of a ton of v coal, sah," replied Samuel as he stood up. "But why didn't you say so in plain English?" "I?I dunno, sah. Reckon it was bekase I had been readin' Shakespeare." "Mebbe it was. You keep right on readin' Shakespeare and talkin' big words and you'll git dar bimeby. You kin sot down. "One day a week ago I was in a lumber yard to git do old woman a new ironin' board. De lumber man and me was talkin' about de beef trust and how much bigger it was dan de United States when along comes Brudder Flapjack White. He seed we was talkin', but he was so swelled up dat he butted in wid: ? * i ,1 ^ "'Mistah Brown, it appears xo ue uc consensus of de amplification dat de rotundity of de lime* demands a rejunination of de economic conditions.' "Havin' got off dat spe3cb, he bought six pieces of lath for a nickel and walked off. He bore bisself like a man who had jest won a great victory, but when he was out o* hearin' de lumber man turned to me and asked if dat was one of de lunatics of de Limekiln club. He also said dat if he had been alone he would have given Brudder Flapjack de boot. Stand up, brudder, and tell me de raeanin' of consensus?" Brother Flapjack In Doubt. y -I dunno. sah," was the reply. "What am rotundity?" "Can't dun say." "Waal, what am rejunination?' "Reckon it has sunxhin' to do wid a lumber yard." "Ob, you do. .Waal, I take pleasure In informin' you dat it has a heap mo' to do wid a fool. Sot down and rest your weary limbs, Brudder, Flapjack. "One evenin' not long since 1 dropped into a cobbler shop to git a lift put on de heel of my shoe. De cobbler aud me was talkin' 'bout dat western con- ; gressman who stole a millyon acres of government land, when Brudder Giveadam Jones walked in as if he owned de airth and said: " 'Cobbler, de perspicacity of de reflex impels me to eventuate de impossibility of de occasion. Can you do it or not?' "De cobbler sot dar wid his mouth open and his eyes bulgin' out, and Brudder Jones went on to make use of sich words as 'genuflexions.' 'termi A&aic, aooimjiiat^t ?uu I 'abominate.' If I hadn't stood up and told him to delineate his transportive pathology out of dat, I don't know what calamity would have happened. Brudder Jones, stand up." "Yes, sah." Brother Jone? la Reproved Also. "What was your errand in dat cobbler shop?" "To git half soles on my shoes." "Why didn't you tell de cobbler so?" "I was gwine to, sah." "You wanted to git off de big words first. I see. What am genuflexions?" "I don't remember." "What am assimilate?" "It's when you dun feel bad." "And transmogrify?" "Can't say." "I thought you couldn't. You may set down. Brudder Jones, your record in de Limekiln club am a good one. Since bein' a member you have killed a mad dawg, climbed a greased pole, shot an owl and kicked a football over a house. Don't get to be an idiot and smash your record. "If Brudder Beebe am in de hall to night I'd like to say a few,words to him." Brother Beebe was there and stood up in a nervous way, and after looking at him for a few seconds the president said: "Brudder Beebe, I was in a butcher shop one evenin' not long since when you came in. You wanted a pound of sliced bacon for breakfast, but you couldn't dun say so in plain words. You had to ring in sich words as eliminate, deductive, aspirations, contemplative and assiduous, and while tryin' to foller you and wonderin' whether you was a fool or a villain de butcher cut his thumb and throwed a mutton bone at you and chased you out What was your oojeci in usm ueui ui? words?" "I wanted dat butcher to see dat I was up to date." "And if you was up to date, den what?" "He wouldn't cheat me on de bacon." "Did you know de meanin' of one of de words?" "No, sah." "Jest shot 'em right off to scare de butcher?" "Yes, sah." "Waal, pore old man, set down. I wish I had some catnip tea for ydu. "I hain't gwine to say to de members of dis club dat dey can't use big words whenever dey wants to, but what I wish to obsarve is dis: Dat de next time one of 'em am complained of for a lunatic or a fool we shan't have any further use for him. We am a plain lot of men. We make use of a plain language. We call a tater a tater and a pumpkin a pumpkin. If dar am any among us who want to eventuate de restorative or inculcate de impecuniosity of de flumdoodle let 'em go ahead and see whar dey will bring up. "We will now absquatulate de meetin' and prevaricate to our insidious domicils." M. QUAD. The Idiotic Joker. T'np Observant Individual?How hisrh in the air the telephone company strings its wires! The Idiotic Joker?Yes. Evidently it wants to keep up the conversation.? j Judge. Baying the l,nemy'? Ammunition. m ma u. ? The Candidate?And you might send gome eggs round to my hotel. Village Elector?Yes, sir. How many would you like? The Candidate?I?I think I'll take all you've got.?Tatler. A Tender Appeal. Pat-a-cake. pat-a-cakc, Baker's man, Bake me a cake As quick as you cam For. on my word, Afraid we are To tackle another one Made by ma. The last she made was all too doughy; Inside black instead of snowy. Outside pasty instead of brown; It wouldn't rise?but it had to go dow?! It gave us all such indigestion! Mother's cakes are out of the question. Bo hurry up, please, and pat us a cake. And we will eat the one you make. Mother can't make 'em. but you can, So pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake. Baker's man, Bake me a cake as quick as you ean? ?"Nursery Rhymes," by Cousin Evelina, In Ally 81op?r's Half Holiday. 1 Extravagant Economy. JOHN JONES he was a thrifty man And Mrs. Jones was, too? That is to say, Good Mrs. J. Was thrifty and would do Her share in saving, but she thought Her husband was a bit too taut. He kept the purse strings CJed around His fingers in a twist, And every time She got a dime She had to force his fist. "Don't spend so much," he'd always sav. "We're saving for a rainy day." John owned a lot of property In buildings, farms and grain, With stock galore And stuff in store. But never stopped the strain To gather in all he could get Against the day that might be wet. And still his wife could scarcely find Enough to eat and wear. Her bonnet had Grown old and sad. Her clothes made people stare. But John stayed in his narrow way And harped upon "the rainy day." Two years went by; John saved and saved? Until the "wet spring" came, When floods poured down On farm and town And washed away the same, Including John's possessions, which By now had made him very rich. John and his wife took to the hills To save themselves, and he Began to swear And rip and tear i At his adversity. Indeed, it was enough to cause A man to break the ten first laws. But Mrs. J. was less disturbed, And as she shook her head At John's distress And wickedness In swearing so she said: "Nnw John, don't carry on that way; You saved it for a rainy day." ?William J. Lampton in New York Tribune. Tke Count's Baseless Fear. "I haf come," said the count, "to spik to you, Meestaire Moneybag, about one what you call heem important mattaire." "Ah, yes, count, I understand! Have a chair. You wish, I presume, to speak to me about my daughter." "No, pardon, not zat. I haf seen ze tax list where he say you haf only fifty thousan' what you call heem dollaire." "Oh?ho, ho! That's all right, count. Don't worry about that. My office boy, whftm T hnH transferred $5,000,000 worth of gold bonds, which he held while the assessment was being fixed, has just handed them back. They're here in the safe now. Do you want to see them?" "Merci, monsieur! . You haf lift what you call heem a weight from my mind." ?Chicago Record-Herald. According to Her Taste. i n > \ ^ CZ=D V ' -IA''Have you been touching the barometer, Jane?" "Yes, mum; I've just put it to 'very dry,' cos it's my day out tomorrow."? Tatler. Modern Titlen. "Say, is the big noise in?" inquired the visitor as he entered the office. "Naw. He's out feedin'." "Well, where is the chief gazabo?the one who has charge when the big noise is out?" "He's outa town." "Ain't there some one here who acts as the main squeeze when they're away ?" "Nobody but me." << A -r?*V*r\ n t?A T?An V* UU H1JUUICIUU. "I'm do small bunch?de guy what sweeps out de office. See?"?Milwaukee Sentinel. Succeeded Too Well. The multimillionaire sits in gloomy and lonely grandeur in the heart of his vast forest preserve. "It's a mistake," he sighs. "I went too far. Xow that I have bought up all | the land for forty miles in each direcj tion and have fenced in the property | not a soul can come around to see how | I am enjoying my money. I'll have to induce some one to get ..out a court orj der compelling a road to be cut through i my property or I'll be as forgotten as | a hermit."?Judge. Creatures of Impulse. ' ' ' _ a. _ _ i? "So you can t neip stealing: uj>kvu tlie magistrate kindly. "No, your honor; an impulse comes over me that I can't resist." "Too bad, too bad! An impulse to send you up for six months is getting I hold of me. There! It's got hold. Six months; can't resist. Impulse is a wonderful thing."?Philadelphia Ledger. Extremes. Ida?She hates Jack. Belle?And why? Ida?Because when he meets her he always says, "There is nothing like old friends getting together." She objects to the "old."?Detroit Tribune. Rj/ira ;| %J* | ! ? I III I I H I in I I ~n -Mill - I I *7 I Do you like your thin, rou^h, | I short hair? Of course you | I don't. Do you like thick, | I heavy, smooth hair? Of U course you do. Then why Hair Vigor not be pleased? Ayer's Hair! Vigor makes beautiful heads I of hair, that's the whole S story. Sold for 60 years. | " I have used Ayer's Hair Vigor for a long B time. It is, indeed, a wonderful hair ionic, R restoring health to the hair and scalp, and. at H the same time, proving a splendid dressing." Die. J. W. TatuM, Madill, lud. T. g J 1.00 a bottle. J. c. AYEH CO., B Weak Hair! tNygffl THE GIANT INDIANS. Pet-altar Ways of tlie Onas of Tierra del Foege. The Onas, a tribe of Indians inhabiting the mainland of the Tierra del Fuego island, are physical giants. Their average height is over six feet. A few are six and one-half feet; a few fail Delow six feet. The women are more corpulent and not so tall. There is no race In the world with a more perfect physical development than the Ona Indians. This is partly due to the topography of the country and the distribution of the game, which makes long inarches across the country a necessity. In mentality they fall far below their physical attainments. In the past their supply of game has been plentiful, and tills may account lor tne lack or inventive genius among them. This lack of progressive skill is portrayed in th^r home life, clothing and homes. Their children suffer from it, for. contrary to the practice common among most Indians of feeding, dressing and training the children well, the Onas' little ones are mostly naked, poorly fed and altogether neglected. They have abundant material for supplying themselves with clothing and homes, and yet they throw a few branches together, put skins over the windward side and then shiver under the miserable shelter. Scientists who have made a study of the subject say that the language of the Onas is the strangest ever listened to. Many of the words are not difficult to pronounce, nor is the construction of the sentences difficult, but very few ? 3? ? ? ? 0% flAHTM? worus are imcii uyicu uj a suuuu which it is impossible to produce. The speaker hacks, coughs anjcl grunts, distorting his face in the most inhuman manner, and then passes on to the next stumbling block. The Onas live principally upon meat, which in former years was obtained from the guanaco.?New York Herald. ST. SWITHIN AND RAIN. The Lecemd of Chapel Over the Bishop's Grsre. The superstitions referring to particular days are very numerous. The legend of St Swithin is an example that will occur to every one: St. Swithin's day, if thou dost rain, For forty days it will remain; St. Swithin's day, if thou be fair. For forty days 'twill rain nae mair. St. Swithin, bishop of Winchester, according to the author of "The Fopular Antiquities," was "a man equally noted for uprightness and humility. So far did he carry the latter virtue that on his deathbed he requested to be I buried not within the church, but out side the churchyard on the north of the sacred building, where his corpse might receive the eavesdropping^ from the roof and his grave be trodden by the feet of passersby. His lowly request was complied with, and in this neglected spot his remains reposed till about 100 years afterward, when a fit of pious indignation seized the clergy at the fact that the body of so holy a member of their order was allowed to occupy such a position, and on an appointed day they all assembled to convey it with great pomp to the adjoining cathedral of Winchester. When they were about to commence the ceremony a heavy rain burst forth and continued without intermission for the forty succeeding days. The monks interpreted this tempest as a warning from heaven of the blasphemous nature of their attempt to contravene the direction of St. Swithin, and instead of disturbing bis remains they erected a chapel over his grave." "St. Swithin is christening the apples" is the more poetical way of describing St. Swithin's rain. State of Ohio, City of Toledo, ) Lucas County [ ss' Frank J Cheney makes oath that he is | senior partner of the firm of F. J. Cheney ! & Co., doing business in the city of Toledo, Countv and State aforesaid, and that said firm will pay the snm of ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS for each and every ca<e of Catarrh that cannot be cured by the use of Hall's Catarrh Cure frank j. cheney. Sworn to before me and subscribed in my presence, this 6th day of December, A. D., Ib83. /<s*ai i a- gleason, loeaiO Vnkrv Pnhlifi. Hall's Catarrh Core is taken iDternally, and acts d-rectly on the blood and mucous surfaces of the system. Send for testimonials free. F. J. CHENEY & CO.. Toledo, 0. Sold bv all drugRists, 7oe. Take Hall's Family Fills for constipation FMEYSKIDHEYCURE Makes Kidneys and Bladder Right Iman invHMur, AIR LINE NORTH-SOOT] Two Daily Pullman Vestibi SOUTH ^vivr> First Class Dining Car Service. Eastern cities via Richmond and b steamers to Atlanta, iNasnvme, Mei a New Orleans and all points South I and Jacksonville and all points in 9 shortest line North and South. I /QCT'Fot detailed information, ra | &c.. apply to any agent of the Seal | BURROUGHS, Traveling Passeng I CHARLES F. STEWART^Assii I SAVANN WHOLESALE 1603 MAIN STEEE1 WASH GOODS. Colored organdies in all the latest figures 121,c. quality 10c. 100 pieces Scotch Lawn 4c. We have a special value in large figured Lawn?Ask to see them.. 6|c. 27-inch Brown Linen 10c. J Light Merrimack prints 5c. Dress gingham 5c. WHITE GOODS. 40-inch Lawn 10c. 32-inch Lawn, special value 5c. j 27-inch Organdie 10c. 72-inch Organdie 25c. 27-inch White Linen 15c. 36-inch White Linen 25c. DRESS GOODS AND SILKS. We are receiving new goods in this department daily? \ 50-inch Mohair, all colors 48c. 36-incli Brillantine blue and black.. 25c. 27-incli China Silk, all colors 48c. 18-inch White Jap Silk 25c. We have some very good barf will be pleased to have our shown through our stock, I The Palmetto COI/tJMI United States Government, Sta I Capital paid in Surplus profits Liability of Stockholders Security for depositors Interest allowed in Savings Depar Payable C United States bonds South Carolina bonds OFFK Wilie Jones, President. J. J. Seibels, First Vice-Pres. Thos. Taylor, Second Vice-Pres. This is the people's bank?"of th people." Loans to small merchants and sm ones. "We want your business, B; 8 o'clock p. m. for accommodation Before You Purchase Any Other Write THE JitW HCME SEWING MACHINE COMPANY ORANGE, MASS. Many Sewing: Machines are made to sell regard* .'ess of quality, but the ** Sew Home" is made to wear. Cur guaranty never runs out. V/e make Sewing Machines to suit aii conditions of the trade. The " Jiow Home*' stands at the head of a'.i Jligh-srrajle family sewing machines Sold by athkorizcd dealers only. FOR SALE BY AY. P. ROOF, L XInv;. C HILTON'S Life for the Liver & Kidneys, THE BEST PREPARATION KNOWN FOR THE CURE OF fivcnAcifl. Liver Comnlainf and 1 Disorders of the Kidneys IT IS PLEASANT TO TAKE. It escites a pleasing: sense of warmth aV - ? - A/\14 w/Mi />Vt in IDe SlOUiauu, uiuusiug uocu tuiuu^u the system. It augments the appetite, improves digestion, wards off malarial and thus prevents chills and fever, and is a perfect regulator to the whole system. 25., 50c, and $1.00 bottles. For sale at the Bazaar. Wholesale by the Murray Drug Co., Columbia. ly- July 6, 05, tf. I 1UILWAY I rl-EAST-WEST J lie Limited Trains Between ]Ni:\V YORK. I *The best rates and route to a^l Washington, or via Norfolk andfl npnis, ijouisviiie, sr. .Louis, vjnicago, , and Southwest to Savannah and Florida and Cuba. Positively the .tes, schedules, Pullman reservations* ooard Air Line Railway or to W. L;er Agent, Columbia, S. C. stant General Passenger Agent AH, GA. BH ^SSF K9 Bi W1 ^ T, COLUMBIA, S. C. MILLINERY! MILLINERY! Miss Eleanor Clary will be in charge of our Millinery Department again this season, this being our first season in SPRING MILLINERY you will find everything new and upto-date in this department. Call and see 4 us before purchaseing a hat. SPECIALS. Art Squares $3.98 Rugs 27x63, special 98c. * 1000 yards Embroidery 5c. 1000 yards Embroidery, special. ... 10c. Corset cover, Embroidery 20 and 25c. Gilt Belts 25 and 50c. Leather Belts 25 and 50c. Mennens Talcum Powder 15c. _ _n j -l j i jams m aii aeparxmenxs ana we Lexington friends call and be National Bank, f HA, S. C. te, City and County Depository. W $250,000 oo ' m 12,500 00 ;.... 250,000 00 $515,500 00 fl tmenfc at 4 per cent, per Annum, M Quarterly. m * $100,000 00 m 82,000 00 H :BRS. I J. P. Matthews, Cashier. W. M. Gibbes, Jr., Ass't. Cashier, w Weston & Aycock, Attorneys. m e people, for the people and "by the flj r i- a - _ t BB an larmers as muuii aesirea as large Jf ank opens every Saturday from 6 to of wage earners. ng ?a?i?Ma?a j J. H. Eleazer i ! > | Will Save you Money in his > * ; Haberdashery ! 1 DEPARTMENT. \ It! ? | ] The Best and Latest Furnishings | I \ can alwavs be found here in \ \ ' \ < Shirts, Cellars, Cuffs, Gloves > ! UNDERWEAR. ! < > WHITE AND FANCY VESTS. ! i ?j^"Our Spring Line of~W^ [ ! SOFT and STIFF HATS | < ) J are liere, comprising Knox, Stet- I < son and other makes. Prices, | j $1.00 to ?5.00 | I < All tlie New Blocks in \ I | STRAW HATS, | I | Ar all prices. [ | i SUITS MADE TO ORDER. FIT > ! GUARANTEED. > ! ! 15(4 Main St.,Columbia, S.C. [ ! > J. M. CRAPS, Dealer in all kinds of Furniture, Toilet Sets, / COFFINS AND CASKETS. RUGS, MATTRESSES, BLANKETS COMFORTS, BED SPREADS, CLOCKS, WATCHES. JEWELRY. *r^rn/"N fc JCjJLU. LEXINGTON, - - S. C. August 23, 1905. ly. T. X. L. relieves when properly ap plied.