The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, September 09, 1903, Page 2, Image 2
DER GERMAN
COBBLER
Mr. Voglestein Call./- and Givey Him
More Philosophy.
ICopyright, ir-OS. ly C. B. Lewis.]
"WTf ANS." f'ys },fiv Yoglestein ash
jy8*^ h.? c.i. s.i-a' iftrin shop one
A J* da}*. "it nil in philosophy.
I) *r more you haf der
petter you get along. Work vlias all
werry vhell, but philosophy vlias petter.
"If some customer don't come in how
vhas I to get some shoes to fix oop?" I
says.
"Don't you see? If no one comes in
you don't haf no work. If you don't
haf no work you safe wax und shoe
pegs. It wasn't liow mooch you earn,
but how mooch you safe. Look at my
case. If I work all day in my garden I
safe $2 dot I pay to some m~us. but at .
der same time I drink m worth of
peer. I don't won* und K.as seexty
cents ahead. You sit right here like
' - J
"ASH AN OLD HORSE TIED TO A POST HE <
. WAS WORTH $10."
f some bumps on a log und don't haf no (
philosophy, und so you vhas a poor ,
man all der time." It
seems dot way to me, bat I can't i
tell. I vhas t'inking it oafer Then Mr. ,
Voglestein goes on mit:
? * - - - ? ]
\ "JJO you peiier .ur. Kocaerieiier vnas
reech pecause he goes out in der morn- J
ing und pumps oop kerosene oil all day 1
for $2.50? Not any. He vhas a good '
pumper, but he pumps mit his brains l
instead of his hands. He has some philosophy.
He says if he pumps oop kerosene
all day dot vhas $2.50, but if he
pumps oop der price a cent a gallon
dot vhas $1,500,000. Dot settles it, und
der price goes oop."
"But I don't haf some kerosene to
. pump," I says.
"Dot rhas no deeferenee. You put a (
cement patch on a shoe for 10 cents.
Suppose you put der price oop to 20?
Dot means you get shust as mooch for <
fife patches ash for ten, und you safe
one-half on vork und material. Dot
vhas philosophy, und if you haf some 1
prains you Thill know it." <
"But der public won't stand for 1
twenty cent patches."
"Pecause why? Pecause der public 1
don't haf philosophy der same ash t
you. You must educate der pubHc oop 1
to her. Can't anypody see c(pt lemons
at 20 cents a dozen vhas petter ash ?
lemons at 10? You simply haf to say j
twice ten vhas twenty, und 20 cents c
vhas twice ash good ash 10."
I make ready to put a lift on a j
heel und can't figure him out, und in a j
leetle time Mr. Vogelstein keeps on: t
"Take der case of some railroad president.
Vk?n some money vhas to be t
Rafed does he aro on a train ash brake
^ man und safe $40 a month und show ^
dot money to der direetocs 12nd brag j
oafer her? "Of course not. He goes py g
philosophy. He says to himself: 'Here J
vhas 150,000 men. If I cut der wages
of each man down 10 per cent dot
makes $50,000 a year for our pocket.'
Und he shust writes a leetle order, und
it vhas done. Dot vhas prains, Hans; ^
dot vhas philosophy, und you can see ^
why you vhas always a poor man." t
"But if I haf no mans how can I cut
wages down?" I ask. t
1 "Cut down your own. If you figure
dot you vhas a dollar a day den take
feefty cent off. Dot alone makes you j
$3 per week. If you take feefty cents
a day off your wages und do twice ash r
mooch work ash now it vhas $6 a week f
for you. Any fool can figure dot out." r
I go ahead mit dot lift und can't see t
how it vhas, und Mr. Voglestein walks ^
around und smiles unil chuckles und
vhas a proud mans. In ten minutes he
says:
"Take my case again, Hans. I like ^
to go half a mile on der street car der j
odder day, but it vhas fife cents. Dot ^
street car line vhas four miles long. It j
vhas fife cents for four mile or half a (
mile. My pmiosopny tens me aoi uere i ,
vhas eight half miles in four miles. I *
therefore walk oop to der end of dot j
line und ride four miles for fife cents, j
nnd safe fifteen cents. It vhas only a ?
trifle, but it shows you how philosophy (
works. Take anodder case. Last spring (
I like some strawberries. Der price ?
vhas feefty cents a box. I>o I rush
right out und puy some und eat 'em
oop? Not mooch! My philosophy tells
me to wait for awhile, und I wait, und
yesterday I buy bananas at feefteen b
for a quarter. Py golly, Hans, I wish
you vhas a philosopher, but I am c
afraid you vhas too old to learn." g
A man comes in to see about half
soles on his shoes und goes out again. c
and Mr. Vogelstein stands oop mit his j
thumbs in der armholes of his vest und j
says: v .
"Hans, do I look like some spring ,
chickens? You bet I don't. You know *
Kloppenlieimer, of course. Vholl, three *
years ago he likes to sell me a dog for b
\
S25. Do I buy him? Not on her life!
I sliust sit down und figure dot Kloppenheimer
vhas an old man und haf
consumption und vhas dead py und
py, und vhen he vhas dead dot dog
vhas only $10. Did you see py der papers
dot he died last week? Yes. sir;
he vhas a dead man, und his widow
comes oafer to me und says dot dog
vhas only fife dollar. Py some philosophy
I safe shust $20."
"But you wait three years." I says.
"Dot vhas so. But listen ro me. In
dose three years dot dog bites four
school children, und Kloppenheimer
lias to pay each one $10. Dot makes
$00 in my pocket."
"But der dog vhas also three years
older."
"So he vhas, Hans?so he vhas, but
in thrpp ro;ir<? hp learns to bite on
old bones und let children's legs alone.
She vhas straight philosophy, und you
can't beat him. How vhas it vhen I
buys an old horse of Schammer for
$10? Ash an old horse tied to a post he
vhas only worth $10, but vhen I untie
him und let him walk on der street car
track und he vhas killed I get $50 damages.
Ten dollar from feefty leaves
$40 to put down in my hind pocket.
Why don't you send out der growler
und get some peer?"
"Because peer vhas so high," I says.
"Here vhas some philosophy again,"
says Mr. Voglcstein. "If peer vhas
cheap you get enough for 10 cents for
both. If it vhas dear you get enough
for your company, und he goes avhay
und says you vhas a good feller. See?"
I saw, und I send out der growler,
mit 10 cents. Vhen she comes back I
drink oop all der peer py myself.
"Here, how vhas it?" says Mr. VogleBtein.
"It vhas philosophy," I says.
"But how ?"
"Vhy. if one man drinks der peer und
der odder man smells of der growler it
mnlrps n hrewerv und a cobbler shon in
one, und we vhas both happy."
M. QUAD.
Fearful Odds Against Him.
Bedridden, alone and destitute.
3ucb, in brief, was the condition of
an old soldier by name of Z. J. Havens,
Versailles, 0 For years he
was troubled with Kidney disease
and neither doctors nor medicines
?ave him relief. At length he tried
Electric Bitters. It put him on his
feet in short order aod now he testiEies,
"I am on the road to complete
recovery." 6est on earth for Liver
and KidDey troubles and all forms of
Stomach and Bowel Complaints
On\y 50c. Guaranteed by The Kaufmann
Drug Co., Druggists.
PICKINGS FROM FICTION.
Prisons are the infernos civilization
builds in which to hide its mistakes.?
"The Under Dog."
It's plumb foolishness to try to lay
lown rules for other folks to live by.
-"The Substitute."
A man's faith in himself is often the
;hief cause of a woman's faith in him.
-"Round Anvil Rock."
A woman who has discarded a man
is perhaps nearer loving him just aft
jrward than ever before.?"Gordon
Keith."
Those whom we most resemble are
:he very ones who are most annoyed
:o see themselves reproduced.?"His
Daughter First"
There is a gravity of words; they descend
and ?ever climb; they must, like
i stone, come tumbling from above to
io an injury.?"Peggy O'Neal."
The sin and sorrow of despotism is
lot that it does not love men, but that
t loves them too much and trusts
hem too little.?"Robert Browning."
No woman of sense objects to her
msband's simple admiration of an>ther
woman, but when it comes to
mother woman being a factor in his
ife and thoughts a wife must and
hould resent it.?"Despotism and
democracy."
The Way to Identify Her.
Agnes and Ethel are the kind of
wins it is difficult for intimates of the
amily to distinguish apart. They are
our years old and a source of despair
o mere acquaintances.
A friend of the family met one of the
wins on the street the other day and i
isked: i
"Now, which are you, Agnes or
Sthel? I simply can't tell you apart"
"I'm Agnes," gurgled the small
naiden, and then she put one of her
hubby little fingers in her mouth and
numbled: "You can tell me easy. I'm
he one with the loose tooth."?New
fork Press.
The Turk and the Grave.
In Russia many of the peasantry still
>ury their dead in grottoes and eaves,
ust as their princes and noble men
vere accustomed to do centuries ago.
;n Constantinople, as in other Turkish
rities, bodies are placed in the ground
is soon as the last spark of life has
ied. The Mussulman believes that as
ong as the body is unburied the spirit
s in torment and that it is a crime
ikin to murder to molest a grave. Accordingly,
the cemeteries around many
>riental cities far exceed in extent the
ibodes of the living.
For Over Sisty Years.
Mrs. Winslow's ScothiDg Syrup
ic-. .1 o/-> tnf r\T7a*? civfrr marc
UCCU i JJ UOO lUi U * ti- OlA vj j vui u
>y millions of motbers for their chil!ren
while teething, with perfect
uccess. It soothes the child, softens
he gums, allays all pain, cures wind
:olic, and is the best remedy for
Diarrhoea. It will relieve the poor
ittle sufferer immediately. Sold by
druggist in every part of the world,
twenty-five cents a bottle. Be sure
o ask for Mrs. "Winelow's Soothing
Syrup,1: and take no other kind, tf
AT 8IALT MAST.
Sometimes we are greeted in the
morning by flags at halt-mast for some
S? prominent official who yesterday
|\ was apparently in perfect health.
|| When we inquire the ailment by
? 1 which he was stricken is not un5
\ common to t^e told "a rite inaigesg
1 tion " or "stomach trouble."
A I It is time people learned that inI
digestion or any form of
I "stomach trouble" is not a
thing to trifle with. The
B result may not be fatal,
Z but there can be no
1 condition of diseased
I stomach which does
3 not carrv with it physi
ical lo^Tand weakness.
I ^r' ^erce s Golden
6 Medical Discovery
9 cures indigestion and
1 ?^ier fQnils of disease
X^vT atlecting tne stomacn
and its allied organs of
JrJyjj digestion and nutrition.
fyyjW It enables the perfect diges^on
an<^ assimilation of
"Thanks to Dr. Pierce's Golden
XI Medical Discovery," writes Mr,
t V Charles H. German, of Dehighton,
' Pa. "It is the only medicine that
has done me anv good. I tried everything
I could think of to cure indiges5j
tion. and found I was onlv throwing
away money. Then I heard of Doctor
Pierce's Golden Medical Discovery and tried a
bottle of it. and to my joy found it was doing
me good. I used six bottles * it. and am now
cured. It is the best medicine oti earth."
This grand remedy does its work in
a thorough manner; it gives the
health that is all health ; the strength
that is solid, substantial and lasting;
not flabby tat, not false stimulus, but
genuine, complete, renewed vitality and
life force.
Accept no substitute for " Golden Medical
Discovery." There is nothing "just
as good" for diseases of the stomach,
blood and lungs.
Dr. Pierce's Pleasant Pellets cure constipation
and it3 consequences.
A SCOUT'S HARD LIFE.
Snmo of flip Hn.rd?lilnn find DnnCfMI
That Most Be Faced.
An unfortunate, says Leslie's Monthly,
was sent with a dispatch to one of
the smaller outposts in the far northwest.
It was toward spring, when the
midday sun thaws the surface of the
snow and the light frosts harden the
melted crusts to a glace of ico as dazzlingly
bright as the blinding Hashes of
sunlight from polished steel. The thaw
had crusted over the trail, and the
K?out had to keep a sharp eye on the
way not to lose the path altogether.
Suddenly the midday sun developed extraordinary
hues. Magenta, purple and
black patches began to dance on the
snow, alternately with wh.-eis and
rockets of cheese colored fire. Then the
light went out altogether, though the '
man knew that it was broad day. He
had become snow blind. The only thing ,
was to give his horse the bit.
The horse stood stock still. By that
time he knew that he had lost the trail '
altogc -ier or the broncho would have 1
followed any visible path. He wheeled <
the horse about It stiil refused to go I
on. and then the man inferred that the 1
crust of ice had been so hard that the ]
horse could not follow back the way <
it had come. That night the trooper ]
slept under saddle blankets, with the
faithful horse standing sentry.
For five days the trooper wandered
blindly over the prairies, losing all
count of time, eating snow to quench
his thirst and sleeping In the holes that
the broncho had pawed through the
ice crust to the under grass. The trooper
was now too weak to mount and
coririlo Act n 1n?t hnno the I
thought struck him that if he unsaddled
his horse and turned it loose it
might find its way back to the fort,
and so notify his friends that he was
lost. He did this, but the faithful creature
refused to leave the man lying on
the snow and stood over him in spite
of all his efforts to drive it off. On the
sixth day the mail carrier found the
pair. The trooper was severely frozen,
but the rider and horse lived to see
many another day's service.
The Genuine vs. Conterfeits.
The genuine is always better than
a counterfeit, but the truth of this
statem?nt is never more forcibly
realized or more thoroughly appre- .
ciated than when jou compare
the genuine DeWitFs Witch Hazel
Salve with the many counterfeits
and worthless substitutes that are on
the market W. S. Ledbetter, of
Shrevepo^l, La., says: 4* After using
numerous other remedies without
benefit, one box of DeWitt's Witch
Hazel Salve cared me.'1 For blind,
bleeding, itching aDd protruding
piles no remedy is equal to DeWitt's
? ^ i r*it* a 11
Wifccb Jtiazel Salve. soia Dy an
druggists.
Dcuiae Herseix.
The fair young thing was telling
about how happy she was when she
saw her brother's baseball team win
the intercollegiate game. "Oh," she gurgled,
"I was so delighted that I just
hugged myself for joy!"
Here the grave professor of psychology
looked up with an air of interest
"Hugged yourself?" he asked. "Indeed.
you must have been quite beside
yourself to have done that."?Judge.
The Proof of It.
Casey (after Riley has fallen five
stories)?Are yez dead, Pat?
Riley?Oi am.
Casey?Shure. yer such a liar Oi don't i
know whether to belave yez or not.
Riley?Shure, thot proves Oi'm dead. !
Yez wudn't dare call me a liar if Oi
wur aloive!?Judge.
To Cure a Cold in One Day
Take Laxative Bromo Quinine
Tablets. All druggists refund the
money if it fails to cure. E. W.
Grove's signature is on each box 25c.
THE SAME OLD WAY.
Each day some man of science
Proceeds to make us glad
With some new scheme l'or putting
Mosquitoes to the bad.
But season after season
We learn to our dismay
That the "skeeter" he keeps busy
In
the
same
$ ?1?1
\v
a
y.
We warn the fools who fancy
The "tips" they have are straight.
That betting on the raves
Is worse than bucking fate.
But what cart- they for warnings?
They with spirits gay.
And the bookie hooks their money
In the same old
w
a
y.
We try to teach the lambkin
To shun the bulls and bears;
We warn him not to mingle
Or mix in their affairs;
But, thinking that heknows it,
He goes with them to play
And gets himself surrounded
In old
same
the way.
Each day the busy doctors
Announce some wondrous cure
For some disease or trouble
That mortals must endure;
Contagion, plagues and fevers
They knock cut day by day,
But the undertaker's busy
In
the
same
old
way.
?Chicago Record-Herald.
Not Afraid of Water.
.?.? .
"Oh, Freddie! Ain't you afraid?" | c
"Who? Me? Not much! I'm a regu- 2
lar aquarium, I am."?New York Jour- ]
nal. r 1
Sured Hemorrhages of the Lungs 2
"Several years since my lungs ?
were bo badly affected that I bad
many hemorrhages," writes A. M. 1
ike, of Wood, Ind. "I took treatment
with several physicians without
any benefit. I then started to
take Foley's Honey and Tar and my =
lungs are now as sound as a bullet.
[ recommend it in advanced stages
lung trouble." The Kaufmann
Drug Co.
Ignorance.
Reporter?I meant my article to be
pathetic, sir.
Editor?Pathetic? You don't know
the rudiments of pathos, sir. Here, you
have written "baby"?
Reporter?What should I have written,
sir? t
Editor?"Babe" ? always "babe" ?
when writing pathos.?Judge.
Sure to Agree.
New Girl (timidly)?I s'pose you are
a fine cook, mum?
Young Mistress?Bless me, no; I don't
know a thing about it.
New Girl (relieved)?Then we'll get
on famously, mum. I don't either.?
New York Weekly.
Old Swimraln' Hole.
"You've got quite a depression here
in your skull." said the phrenologist.
"Were you kicked by a horse?"
"No," replied the man in the chair.
'That's the old swimmin' hole. When
I was a kid I dived and struck a rock."
?Indianapolis Sun.
Success Is Different There.
Polk?When a fellow starts to do anything
he can always succeed if be only
sticks to it.
Jolk?Not always. How about when
you start to remove a sheet of sticky fly
paper that you've sat down on??PhiladelDhia
Press.
" l<
Enough to Make Her 9o. ,
"What a flighty creature that Mrs. 1
Wrigglesleigh is!" (
"How can she help it with her hus- |
banrl earning on air ship experiments J
all the time?"?Chicago Record-Herald. I
Uncle Rcnben Say*. d
Dar am sartin things dat right dern- :
selves. Fur instance, no man eber col- "
ors his whiskers widout feelin' next |
day dat he orter be kicked.?Detroit f
Free Press. ^
9
Warning. ^
Go 'way, Mistuh Skeeter! Don' you sing d
dat song to me! "
I'ze hyuhd about yoh doin's; you's as ?
tough as you kin be.
You's been aroun' a-lunchin' on malaria j fl
an' things ; a
Till you's jes' about as danjus as a rat- I |
tlesnake wif wings. I l
I didn' use to min' you when you come j f,
a-brewsin' roun' j ^
Cas^ I knowed a slap ud send you turn- j f
hlin' senseless to de groun', j g
But since I hyuhd dem white folks I'ze | ^
as skaht as I kin be: ?
Go 'way, Mistuh Skeeter! Don' you sing j *
dat song to me! ! ft
?Washington Star. j ^
I \
riliaEgraaggaEgiajii \
HB CURES WHERE ALL ELSE FAILS. ST 9
gtaj Best Cough Syrup. Tastes Good. Use 3 ti
in time. Sold by druggists. ?f I
JMByare made every day by their own\^^Km
IMF/carelessness. Cure that case of Consti-^^BJk 1
IBbI Pat*on anc^ ^digestion ere it's chronic. TryV^B^
,^k\ and Tonic Pellets?a remedy that assists
For sale by C E. Corley, G. M HarmaD, Kaufmann Drug Co., and W.
P. Roof, Lc-xiDgton, S. C.
FlTZMAURICE FlTZMAURICE 1
Dry Goods, Clothing and Furnishings,
1704 AND 1706 MAIN STREET,
- - - S. Ct
To Our Friends in Lexingron: When in need of anything in oar line would be glad
or your sake for you to give us a call lor Spring Goods. These goods are very much
idvanced in price, but tortnnatelv we had booght oefore the rise in price and we will be
ible to sell at olrl prices, this is no: true iaiK. aun 10 oe piaia we nsven c iinie ior aiy,hiDg
like that. Ii you ^ant to gtt treated ri^hr call and see us tor jo'ir wants. Tnere
s no house in Columbia better able to take care of yoa than we are. With all kinds of
lice goods at cur command.
EXTRA SPECIAL. [ BOY'S CLOTHIXG. j
iroo 3 a' ds 3('-iuch Percale at 5 j. worth 8J. j 10u Boy Suits, all wool, at S1.50, sold at $2. *
1000 yards Lt. PriDts 4c. sold at 5c. ^ ; 100 Boy Suits> allwoojt ?2.CO, sold at $3.50,
10,000 yds, 4-4 Sea Island at 5c., sold at^J. j sjqq f parate Pants at 25c. to 50c.
100 pieces of Fig. Lawns at 5c., would be _ .
cheap at s3. CLOTH INO FOR M EN.
t cases of Ladies Ribbed Vest at 5c. each. From SY00 to $12 50 you can make the
100 separate Skirts for rainv day or general best election to be had anywhere. With
* onr new Clothing Room, we have the Room
use at $1.<H) to S3.0P. j0r)j we can jastly save you from
[00 dozen Shirt Waist at 25c. to $2.00 each $2.00 to $4,00 on a suit. Call to see us.
1 1
January 15. * ? ,
Bacacaeaeaeagaeaeaeacacaca 1
I WATCH THIS SPACE |
05 FOR YOUR BARGAINS IN ?5
| Fall asl Winter Dry hk | M
ca
gg NOTIONS, CLOTHING-. gg
03 S3
03 SHOES -A.XTXO EE-A-TS. S3 -
es ss
g8 Our Buyer is now in the Northern
ftS Markets. ?5
98
YOURS FOR BARGAINS THAT WILL
58 SURPISE YOU. S8
| THE ?. F. FIRM OR. |
1G38-1G40 MAIN STREET,
m ?a
gj| COLU-MBIA, S. C. ||j