BUCOLIC MR. BOWSER
WITH EAGER ANTICIPATIONS HE
VISITS A SUMMER RESORT.
He Wanted to Stay Two Wecki Until
5 He Reached There, When He Soon
Fottnd the Eloquent Ad. Failed to
I Do the Place Justice.
[Copyright, 1902, by C. B. Lewis.]
UREKA' signifies 'I have
J found it,'doesn't it?" asked
Mr. Botrser as he reached
home the other evening
x "with a smile on his face.
"Yes, something like that, I believe,"
replied Mrs. .Bowser, - jjo you mt-au
you hare found a new patent Sre escape
or something new in gas burners?"
"What I mean is this," he said as he
produced a newspaper advertisement
and placed it in her hands. "We have
been looking for some place out in the
country where we could spend a week,
JIB. BOWSER GOT AWAY AT AN EAELT HOUB.
5 and here I exclaim 'Eureka!' In other
words, I have tumbled on a good thing
and solved the problem. Itead it."
Mrs. Bowser read:
Persons seeking for a homelike place in
the country in which to pass a few weeks
should write to the Crow's Nest; large,
airy rooms, pure air, spring water, fresh
vegetables, eggs and milk, plenty or snaae
( and homelike surroundings; table unsurpassed;
no children or dogs taken; two
minutes to the lake, five minutes to the
postofflce; no mosquitoes, flies or malaria;
croquet, golf, pingpong, etc.; terms, $6
per week.
''Well, what do you think of it?"
asked Mr. Bowser as she returned the
slip.
"I think it's a fraud," she replied.
"That's you, of course. You see a
fraud and a swindle in everything. I
wouldn't have your suspicious nature
for any money. What's wrong about
this advertisement?"
"It promises too much for the
money."
"I don't see it that \yay. Here are a
farmer and his wife who are lonely for
the society of nice people, and, being so
. situated that they can make a dozen or
so comfortable, they are willing to do
it without robbing them. Any one
could tell by the very name that it was
a nice place to go to. I'll bet that farmer
would break his back to make his
9
-lJ 3' ^^
"WELL, DID YOU FIND
boarders happy. How soon can you
pack the trunks?"
"What for?" asked Mrs. Bowser.
"Why. to go out there, of course. We
want two weeks off, aDd we have
found the place. We needn't even
wait to write to them. We want those
fciry rooms, cool breezes, fresh vegetables
and eggs from the nests. 1 can almost
imagine myself sailing o'er the
placid waters of that lake this very
minute. We ought to be able to get
away by day after tomorrow. 1 can
pack my own trunk tonight."
Mrs. Bowser wasn't obstinate, but
she was firm. She refused to do any
packing until Mr. Bowser had taken a
run out to Crow's Nest and looked the
place over. He at first flatly refused,
arguingfthat no one would dare advertise
like that unless things were all
right, but finally decided to make the
trin. While he was investigating she
could be packing, and so no time would
be lost During the remainder of the
evening be was in the highest spirits.
He saw every feature of those homelike
surroundings in his mind's eye,
and ovei jnd over again h>t reposed in
the shade of the pear trees or pulled a
boat up and down the lake. Even in
his sleep he was playing croquet and
hunting hens' nests, and his impatience
was so great that be could hardly taste
his breakfast Mr. Bowser got away at
an early hour, leaving instructions that
the trunks shoufd be packed during the
day. and after a ride of two hours on
the train he arrived at his destination.
He was so good natured on the way
*
that he passed over several little things
of an unpleasant nature, and when he
was finally dumped out at a country
station the conductor had come to regard
him as a kind hearted, mild tempered
old gentleman. Crow's Nest
loomed up half a mile away. It loomed
from a sense of duty. If it hadn't
loomed, there would have been nothing
but a bobiailed cow and a stack of
marsh hay to make up the scenery.
The prospect didn't strike Mr. Bowser
as a cheery one, but he plodded on
through the dust of the highway until
he reached the house. He might have
thought there was some mistake but
for a man at the gate who answered
his inquiry by replying:
"Yes; tins is wows ~>esu xju juu
want board/"
It was a two story, unpaintod and
unfinished farmhouse. The shade was
furnished by four or five old plum
trees, and there wasn't enough grass
about the place to furnish a cow with
ten good bites. The lake was behind
the'-house, and it was a part of a
marsh.
"Come in and see my rooms," suggested
the man, who had a boil on
his neck and a cloth tied around his
head.
In a dazed way Mr. Bowser followed
him. There were five or six untenanted
rooms. Some were plastered, and some
were not. All of them were airy because
most of the window glass was
broken. The view from the front rooms
took in the highway, an old barn and a
field grown up to milkweeds. That
from the back was composed of the
'"'-a or\r? on nM hnrsp stnndin?
j UiUidllJ laut auu v?v? ? r_,
, on the shore and wondering whether I
he would better drink or not.
"Come down and see my wife before
you decide/' said the man, and Mr.
Bowser followed him downstairs and
out into the kitchen and discovered a
redheaded, sharp nosed woman who
j was making ready to put a mustard
! plaster on her jaw to cure the toothache.
"And now I'll introduce you to my
boarder," said the owner Crow's
i Nest and he led the way to a bench
j xlnder one of the plum trees where sat
] a sore eyed man, who rose up and said
; he had gained ten pounds in the last
week.
"Well, what room will you take, and
when can we expect you?" queried the
i host.
| "Say, now, this Is a blamed fraud!"
' exclaimed Mr. Bowser as he broke
; loose at last.
i "What do yon mean, sir?"
"I mean that any man who will adi
vertise as you do and bring people to
! such a hole as this ought to be booted
| all over the United States."
"So you are a kicker, eh? I thought
you was, as far as I could see you.
j Well, I don't want you at any price."
"And I wouldn't stop here for SoO a
day. Heavens, what gall! You ought
to be prosecuted for swindling. You
i advertise"?
! "Don't call me no swindler!" warned
the host as he grew menacing in his
actions.
"Is he lookin' for a king's palace and
board at $2 a week?" queried the wife
as she stood in the door with her
hands on her hips.
"Who can ask for anything better
than airy rooms, a beautiful lake and
PARADISE?" SHE ASKED.
two minutes to the postoffic-e?" plaintively
inquired the sore eyed man as
he squinted at the homelike surroundings.
Mr. Bowser uncorked with a pop and
poured forth cuss words, and the result
was a fight in which the otros were o
to 1, and he went limping back to the
station to get a train. On the way
home he was kindly asked by half a
dozen passengers how be got a black *
eye and a bloody ear and how the collar
came to be ripped off his coat and
his suspenders busted, but he answered
never a word. He was as one deaf
and dumb until he reached home, and
children who gaw the glare in his eye
drew away from him. Mrs. Bowser
and the cat sat on the steps as he
turned in at the gate and halted at the
front of the steps.
"Well, did you find paradise?" she
a^sked as she braced her feet for the
coming explosion.
! But there was none. Mr. Bowser gestured
and worked his jaws, but words
failed him. ami he limped up the steps,
passed her by and fell in a heap in the
hall as if dead. M. QUAD.
Why It Wa? All Riffht.
"You needn't be at all afraid to (
speak to papa, George. I am sure it
will be all right."
"What makes you think so?"
! "Ke asked me last night what your
business is. and when 1 said you were a
retired coal dealer he smiled and said <
he guessed that settled it.v ? Cleveland
Plain Dealer.
i
??????
Health is a magnet which irresistibly
draws the man to the woman in life's
mating time. Health does more than
tint the skin with beauty ; it puts music
into the voice and buovancv into the
step, as well as happiness into the heart.
A great many women covet beauty and
are constantly seeking aids to beautify
them. Let a woman first seek perfect
health and all other charms shall be
added to her.
There can be no general health for
women while there is disease of the
delicate womanly organism. The first
step to perfec: health is to cure womanly
diseases by the use of Dr. Pierce's Favorite
Prescription. It establishes regularity,
dries weakening drains, heals
inflammation and ulceration and cures
female weakness.
"I used fcur bottles of y<X'.r 'Favorite Prescription
' and one of ' GoIckS Medical Discovery,'
"writes Mrs. Elmer D. shearer, of Mounthope,
Lancaster Co.. Pa., "end can say that I am
cured of that dreaded disease, uterine trouble.
Am in better health than ever before. Everyone
who knows me is surprised to see me look
so well. In June I was so poor in health that
at times I could not walk. To-day I era cured..
I tell everybody that Dr. Pierce's medicines
cured me."
Free. Dr. Pierce's Common Sense
Medical Adviser is sent free on receipt of
stamps to pay expense of mailing only.
Send 21 one-cent stamps for the book in
paper covers, or 31 stamps for the clothbound
volume. Address Dr. R. V. Pierce,
Buffalo, N. Y.
A DARING Vvorw\iViAN.
nis Crazy Antics oil an I'nfinI.shed
Bridge Across the .Niagara.
"I remember," said a bridge contractor
some time ago while on the
subject of workmen's daredeviltries,
"when working at the big bridge
across the Niagara when the two cantilever
arms had approached within
fifty feet of each other a keen rivalry
as to who should be the first to cross
sprang up among the men. A long
plank connected the two arms, leaving
about two and a half feet of support
at each end. Strict orders were issued
that no one should attempt to cross the
plank upon penalty of instant dismissal.
"At the noon hour I suddenly heard
a great shout from the men, who were
all starting up. Raising my eyes, I
saw a man step on the end of that |
plank, stop a minute and look down i
into the whirlpool below. I knew he
was going to cross, and I shouted to
him, but he was too high up to hear.
Deliberately he walked out until he
reached the middle or tne piaiiK. n
sagged far down with his weight until
I could see light between the two short
supporting ends and the cantilevers on
which they rested. lie saw the end in
front of him do this, hesitated and
looked back to see how the other end
was.
i "I thought he was going to turn. He
stopped, grasped both edges of the
plank with his hands and, throwing
his feet up. stood on his head, kicking
his legs in the air, cracking his heels
together and yelling to the terrified onlookers.
This he did for about a minute.
It seemed to me like forty. Then
he let his feet drop down, stood up.
waved his hat and trotted along the
plank to the other side and regained
the ground.
"We discharged him, of course, but
what did he care? He got all the glory.
his fellows envied him, and he
could command work anywhere."?
Cassiers Magazine.
Brain Food Nonsense.
Another ridiculous food fad has
been branded by the most competent
on hano
au IUUL ItlCO* xuoj ua* w uiopvAiva uuv
silly notion that one kind of food is
needed for braiD, another for muscles
and still another for bones. A correct
diet will not only nourish a particular
part of the body, .but it will
sustain every other part. Yet, however
good your food may be, its nutriment
is destroyed by indigestion or
dyspepsia. You must prepare for
tbeir appearance or prevent their
coming by taking regular doses of
Green's August Flower, the favorite
medicine of the healthy millions. A
few doses aids digestion, stimulates
the liver to healthy actioB, purifies
the blood, and makes you feel buoyant
and vigorous. You can get this
reliable remedy at Kaufmann's Drug
Store. Get Green's Special Almanac.
51?32
Superstition.
Parson (visiting prison)?Why are
you here, my misguided friend?
Prisoner?I'm the victim of the unlucky
No. 13.
1'arson?Indeed! How's that?
Prisoner?Twelve jurors and one
judge.?(Jhiewgo News.
Diamonds are worth $300,006,000 a
ton. Remember this and don't pay a
cent more.?Philadelphia Record.
The population of Russia doubles
from natural increase once every sixty
years.
If the Baby is Cutting Teeth.
Be sure and use that old and well
tried remedy, Mrs. Winslow's Soothing
Syrup for children teething. It
soothes t he child, softens the gums,
allays all pain, cures wind colic and
is the best remedy for diarrhoea.
Twenty-live cents a bottle.
It ia the best of all.
L
FRUITS AND FLOWERS.
In planting the orchard care should
be taken to allow each tree plenty of
room.
A layer of charcoal in the bottom of a
flower bed is very beneficial in keeping
the soil fresh.
In plowing in the orchard always
turn the furrow toward the tree, and
be careful not to injure the fine, fibrous
roots.
The life of an apple tree is often
shortened because it grows in a poor,
exhausted soil or one not properly
drained.
When ill or ailing, handle the flowers
little or wear gloves. Delicate plants
are sensitive to human magnetism,
jJWU Ui UilU.
The roots of the strawberry often
reach out five feet from the main
stem; hence the plants should not be
set too thickly.
An apple or cherry tree is much
more valuable if it shoots out low.
Trim from the top, as this will cause
the lower branches to grow out.
Land that has been too rough for
plowing may yet be sufficiently fertile
to grow fruit trees and is better than
land that has been exhausted by cropping.
Too Gorgeous Books.
The author of "Elizabeth and Her
German Garden," writing 011 the "Giving
of Books" in the Century, says:
Gifts of books addressed solely to
the spirit should never be editions de
luxe. Of what use is a book to me,
however much I may want to read it,
if it is so gorgeous that it must not be
taken anywhere where rain might fall
on it, or where it might get muddy, or
where a heedless gua't, caught by the
quick turning of a leaf, might leave its
legs in the pages, angering the owner
of the defiled book, who does not want
*4-/-. no r>-? nob no i t ic 1 1 f
i IS ll'gd, Uli-LIVOL a J ULi UV.U <A O IV ?? JWV..
angered by having to go on being a
gnat without them? I can no more
take an overgorgeous book to my
heart than I can fold my child in my
arms when it is dressed for a party.
A Fins Liver Cure.
Greenville, Tenn.
' I
I have thoroughly convinced myself
that Dr. Baker's Blood and
Liver Cure is the finest medicine
made for Indigestion and Constipa
tion. (I have tried them all) and
was cured by the use of this medi
cine, after all others had failed. I
most cheerfully and unhesitatingly
onrlnreo if. Ynnra fcrnlv
H. N. Baker, Mayor.
For sale at the Bazaar.
\
A Liffht Sentence?
A gentleman now living in New
York tells the following story of a negro
in Tennessee whose son had been
convicted of killing a fellow workman.
A few days after the trial the father
was asked what disposition had been
made of the case.
"Oh." he answered, "dey done send
Johnson to jail for a monf."
"That's a light sentence for killing a
man. don't you think?"
"Yes." answered the darky, "but at
de end of de monf dey done goin' to
hang 'im."?New York Times.
Diveme Appetite?.
"I wonder why donkeys eat thistles?'*
said the man who is always finding
something peculiar in His.
"Oh," answered the ^ho likes
plain food, "there is no accounting for
taste. If a donkey were to give the
matter a thought, I suppose he would
wonder why human beings ear oaves."
?Washington Star.
An Enviable Position.
Biggs?I met a man yesterday who
makes his living by buying millinery.
Hoggs?Well, what of it?
Biggs?Oh. nothing; only I've been
buying millinery ever since I was married,
and 1 never made any money
by it.?New York Herald.
\ot Di*?na?led by Compliments.
Husband?Your hair is your crowning
glory, my dear.
Wife?That's all right, but I've got
to have a new bonnet just the same.?
Exchange.
A 5ew Snit In Prospect.
"All my best gowns were destroyed
in that railway wreck."
"And didn't the company give you
anj* redress?"?New York Press.
does Like Sot Cakes.
"The fastest selling article I have
in my store," writes druggist C. T.
Smitb, of Davis, &y., "is Dr. lung ?
New Discovery for Consumption,
Coughs, and Colds, because it always
cures. In my six years of sales it
has never failed. I have known it to
save sufferers from Throat and Lung
diseases, who could get no help from
doctors or any other remedy.'1 Mothers
rely on it, best physicians prescribe
it and J. E. Kaufmann guar
antees satisfaction or refund price
Trial bottles free. Regular sizes,
50c and $1.
love rnadorned.
''She says that in the whole course
nf nor life slio has never been so bliss
f jlly happy or so wholly wretched."
"I see. Hers is just a commonplace
love affair."?Town Topics.
Xot to Be Overlooked.
He--Don't you think two can live as
cheaply as one?
She?Yes, but how about the cook?-*
Detroit Free Press.
If we could raise our neighbor's ehil!
dren instead of our own, there would
be a model generation.?New York
News.
i i iii - ii
ftflEDFORD^
I BLACK-DRAUGHT
I THE ORIGINAL i
(LIVER MEDICINp
g^ A sallow complexion, dizziness, ?
j| biliousness and a coated tongue J2
are common indications of liver ?
w and kidney diseases. Stomach and ?
I bowel troubles, severe as they are, &
g give immediate warning bv pain, g
I but liver and kidnev troubles, m
I though less painful at the start, are ?
much harder to cure. Thedford's K
Black-Draught never fails to her.e- ff
fit diseased liver and weakened kid- S
neys. It stirs up the torpid liver 9
to throw off the germs of fever and j|
ague. It is a certain preventive ||
of cholera and Bright's disease of X
the kidneys. With kidneys re- a
inforced by Thedford's Black- II
I Draught thousands of persons have &
1 dwelf immune in the midst of yel- 5
fit low fever. Many families live in ?
M perfect health and have no other ?
& doctor than Thedford's Black- ?
9 Draught. It is always on hand for S
g use in an emergency and saves S
& many expensive calls of a doctor. 1
fif Mullins, S. C., March 10, 1901. ?
? ! have used Thedford's Black-Draught ?
ft for three years and I have not had to go ?
S to a doctor since I have been taking it. f?
at It is the best medicine for me that is J
3L on the market for liver and kidney if
g troubles and dyspepsia and other
Bjh complaints. Rev. A. 0. LEWIS.
nfr!ifffi i ~r TnliCttiiiii'ii' Ti f iTftiflnni
A HARD HANDICAP.
THE town hall always has a crowd
To hoar my Uncle Jim;
There ain't nobody in the state
That talks as weil as him.
But when he run fur office once
I had to mourn his lot;
Mine and another feller's was
% The only votes he got!
The man who beat him was a chap
Of ordinary mind:
He wa'n't particularly wise
Nor specially retined,
And all he said was, "Howdy do!"
In accents mild and bland.
And all the work he ever did
Was shakin' some one's hand.
The voters said they'd tried to help
The weak and not the strong;
A man as smart as Uncle Jim
Was sure to get along.
That's why that man of average mind
Finds life a restful joke,
And incidentally that's why
My Uncle Jim is broke.
?Washington Star.
Sucl* a Nerve!
Bessie?He's awfully cheeky.
Mabel-Yes?
Bessie?Just because he happened to
be engaged to me at the seashore he
thinks he has a right to bow to me.?
New York Journal.
Ban a Ten Penny Nail Through,
His Hand.
While opening a box, J. C. Mount,
of Three Mile Bay, N. Y, ran a ten
peDny Dail through the fleshy part of
his hand. "I thought at once of all
the pain and soreness this would
cause me," he says, "and immediately
applied Chamberlain's Pain Balm
and occasionally afterwards. To my
surprise it removed all pain and
, soreness and the injured parts were
soon healed." For sale by J. E.
Kaufmann.
The Avernsre Man.
Tommy-Pop, what is an average
1 man?
Father?An average man, my son, is
one who feels that he is a little better
than his neighbors.?Philadelphia Record.
He Took Advice.
"Why have you failed in life?"
"My employers always told me that
a man with my brains could make
more money doing something else."?
Judge.
Worse.
"Mr. Smith looks awfullv Ijiue. Has
he been disappointed in love?"
"No; ro&rriage."?Brooklyn Lil'e.
*
You Know What You Aro
Taking
When you take Grove's Tasteless
Chill Tonic because the formula is
plainly printed on every bottle showing
that it is simply Iron and Quinine
n a tasteless form, No Cure, No Pay.
50c
APPRENTICE QUARRELS.
Youdk French Workmen Travel Always
Ready For a Fight. ?
Jealousies between the workmen's
corporations in France result in "Homeric"
combats, bloody battles. It is
the one bad side of an institution that
is otherwise so truly fraternal.
They start out in companies, rarely
ftlone, to make their "tour of France."
Before coming back to continue their
work in their own villages the young
apprentices go together from town to ?
town ro study on the ground the masterpieces
of their trade and to see the
best that the genius of tneir ancestors . ^
has produced. It is the knight erran- ~ !
try cf the workman.
lie earns his living en route, perfects %
himself in his profession, learns from
one master and another, sees, compares.
studies, admires. He gathers hi3
humble harvest of souvenirs and im
pressions, enjoys the full vigor of bis
eariy years aiul passes his youth along
the sunny highways. I
Unfortunately there is disagreement J
among the "societies." In everything
there is found a pretext for quarrels.
The society of the Pore Soubise is R
jealous of that of Maitre Jacques, and
the Knfants du Solomon take part in ^
the quarrel whenever possible.
Two companies meet on the road.
The two leaders, the "master companions."
stop at twenty paces from each
other.
"Halt!" says one.
"Halt!" says the other.
"What trade?"
"Carpenter. And you?"
"Stonecutter. Companion?" ^ *
"Companion!"
"Your society?country?"
And according to the reply they drink 1
from the same gourd or fight. The
melee becomes general. They fight, A
fist and stick, until the road is littered
with those who are wounded, some- . ^
times even to the death.?Harper's
Magazine.
TT? T.flflnnfld a. ft-PAA^ Tmtll.
It is said of John "Wesley that he
once said Mistress Weslej: "Why
do you tell that child the ?ame thing
over and over agaiLf' "John Wes- r
ley, became once telling is Dot
enough." It is for this same reason
that you are told again aDd sgain
that Chamberlain's Cough Remedy
cures colds and grip; that it counteracts
any tendancy of these diseases
to result in pneumonia, and
that it is pleasant and safe to take.
For sale by J. E. Kaufmhnn.
The Wind Did It. 1
"I happened to be in a Wyoming
town when a city lot was put up at
auction," said a Boston drummer, "and
in a spirit of fun I made a bid or two.
It was knocked down to me at $40, ancb
I was wondering if anybody would
take it off my hands at half that when
the city marshal called on me and said:
" "Look here, pard, I want to lease
Vion/1 '
J'VUl IVt UJ IUU
" 'What do you mean by head?' I asked.
" 'Well, it's the only lot in town with
a tree on it, and I want to use that tree
when there's a hanging to be done.
I'll give you $5 every time I use it'
" 'And about what sum ean you
guarantee?'
" 'Oh, it will run $50 or $60 a year
anyhow, but if times are good it'll go
$80 or $90.'
"I closed with him," sr;d the drummer,
"and in six months my income was
$35. Then, not hearing anything further,
I wrote to the marshal, and in reply
he said:
' 'Sorry to inform you that your old
tree has blowed down and that we now
have to walk a man a mile to hang
him.'"
Becevolent Affair.
We pause before a dignified policeman
and seek the light.
"What," we ask, "is that awful noise
across the way?"
" ' 1 - -1- - - ? * AV !9 V,114> n
I "Tliat?aw, mat am i uoium uui u.
iot o' kids cryin' over in tlie foundlin\"
is the reply.
"Oh," we muse, "a sort of charity,
bawl, eh?" And the policeman clubs us.
?Baltimore News.
They Never Speak, mt:
"Yes," said the engaged girf/*Dick
is very methodical. He gives me one
kiss when he comes and two when he
goes away."
"That's always been his way," returned
hor dearest friend. "I've heard
lots of girls comment on it."
Thus it happens that they cease to
speak to each other.?Chicago Journal.
Too Slow.
* * ? ^ ? ? T rtof nVi '3
Messenger r>u\? juuoi juu, ?-*. .
Ex-Office Boy-I gev it up. It wuz
all on account o' de typewriter.
Messenger Bov?Didn't she like yer?
Ex-Office Boj? It wasn't a "she," but.
a "he." Dat wuz de trouble; nobody
ter flirt wit'.?Philadelphia Press.
His Life in Peril.
"I just seemed fco have gone all to
pieces," writes Alfred Bee, of Wei- 0
fare, Tex., "biliousness and a lame
back had made life a burden. I **
couldn't eat or sleep and felt a'most 1
too worn out to work when I began J
to use Electric Bitters, but they
worked wonders. Now I sleep like
a top, can eat anythiug, have gained <
in strength and enjoy hard work."
They give vigorous health and new
life to weak, sickly, run-down psople
Try them. Only 50c at J. E. Kaufmana's
drug store.
<9
Tbi* signature is on every box of the genuine
Laxative Bromo?Quinine Tablet*
|e remedy that earn a eokl In one day .
i ^