The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, September 03, 1902, Page 2, Image 2
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MAJOR CROFOOT, O.P.
HIS EX-LANDLADY DEMANDS PAYMENT
OF BACK BOARD MONEY.
The Major Tries His Bnnko Game on
Her, Which Fails to Work, hot In
the End, However, He Comes Ont
Ahead.
[Copyright, 1902, by C. B. Lewis.]
' iff AJ0R CROFOOT, grand proIm/fl
moter and general organizer,
J| had just reached his office
the other morning and was
wondering how he was going to raise
30 cents for his noonday lunch when
the door opened and a woman walked
in. She was a large, portly woman,
and the floor trembled under her tread
as she advanced. For half a minute
the major failed to recognize her. Then
her double chin and red hair identified
her, ana be swailowea at somemin^ m
liis throat and turned pale.
"So I have found you at last you
lying, deceitful man!"
Her voice broke the spell. There was
a bland smile on the major's face as
he rose up and extended his hand and
called out:
"Well, well, but this is certainly a
surprise and a pleasure! My dear old
landlady, how do you do, how do you
do?"
"Oh, you remember me, do you?" she
sarcastically queried.
"Remember you! Could I forget the
* landlady with whom I roomed and
boarded for weeks and weeks and who
was like a mother to me all the time I
was in her house? Of course not. Why,
Mrs. Shnpkins, It wasn't a week ago
that I was grieving: over news of your
death."
"Who said I was dead?"
"I was tcld so by one of your former
boarders. He said you had had a
stroke of apoplexy and that you had
been buried for almost two months.
The very day he gave me the news I
was on my way to your house with a
check in my pocket. There was a balance
of $18 due you when I left. Dear
me, but what a surprise this is, and
how heartily glad I am that you are
Btill on earth and looking as handsome
as ever!"
"It Js no use to lie to me. Major Crofoot,"
grimly replied Mrs. Simpkins.
"Ton cut sticks from my house owing
me $18. I'm here for my money. 1*11
either have It or pull the last hair out
of your head. Save your breath and
hand over."
"My dear woman, it pains .ue to
hear you talk that way," plaintively
announced the major. "I remember a
thousand acts of kindness on your
part and I only wish my indebtedness
was $1,000. Why do you speak
of me in such harsh terms? If my
debt to you is unpaid, it is because
I heard that you had died and left no
heirs. Only this morning as I was per
gr -
"SO I HATE FOUND YOU AT LAST!"
fecting my plans for the incorporation
' of the G. A. H. R. company I thought
of you and wished you were alive."
"Soft soap won't do, major. I must
have that money, and I won't stir a
step without it."
"Just a minute, my dear woman.
Had you rather have $1S than $250,000?
Xo, of course not. The G. A. H. R.
company is the Great American Hair
Restorer company, limited, with a cash
capital of $3,000,000. Its object is to
restore hair to bald heads. You may
doubt that it can be done, but let me
dispel your doubts. It is a simple but
powerful discovery. During the last
three months I have operated on 3.000
bald heads, and in no instance has'it
failed to produce a luxuriant growth
or nair."
"You will need a barrel of it in about
three minutes." said Mrs. Simpkins as
she glanced at the major's hair.
"It is estimated, my dear woman,"
he went on, with the same bland smile
on his face, "that the population of the
world contains 51.895,240 bald heads
and that 2,000,000 a year are being
added to this number. Our restorer is
put up in quart bottles at $2 per bottle.
Every baldhead will buy, and <he sales
for the first ten years will be 6,000,000
bottles a year. The clear profit
is $1.75 on a bottle, or a matter of $10,000,000.
After ten years the sales will
be only about 2,000,000 bottles a year.
DUX lllill UiUULia U>C1 CO,WV,VVV I^IUUU
As my dear old landlady"?
"Stop right there!" she exclaimed as
she rose up.
"As my dear old landlady, who had
every confidence in my financial integrity
when I was hard up and who
used to bring me up little lunches of
^^hicken and ,1am after the other boardhad
gone to bed. I shall offer you
secretaryship of the new company.
. ^ The salary will be $20,000 per year,
and you will be voted a block of stock
valued at $100,000. The dividends on
i this stock"?
"Three minutes more and then I begin
business!" cut in Mrs. Simpkins.
"The dividends won't be less than
150 per cent for the first ten years.
Your income will be something like
$200,000, and if you do not wear sable*
and diamonds it will be your own
fault. Months ago you cast your bread
upon the waters. Today it returns to
you. The man or woman who trusts
in the financial integrity of Major CTofoot
makes no mistake. As I extend
my hand and offer you my congratulations
let me inquire if you can assume
the duties of your position next
Monday morning. If so, all right; if
not, we can wait two weeks."
"Are you going to pay me my $1S?"
demanded Mrs. Simpkins as her black
eyes had a dangerous look.
"Your $1S?" gasped the major as he
glanced furtively around. "My stars,
woman, but you don't want me to believe
that you have lost your wits! In
return for $18 I offer you a cool million,
and yet you hesitate! I placed
your salary at $20,000 per year, but
if that is not enough let us say $30,000,
$40,000, $50,000. As secretary
your duties will be very light. All
you'll have to do is to see that every
hnffio i? tichtlv corked before it goes
*M %.0 ^
out. Woman, sit clown while I go over
this thing again with you."
"I'll never do it! I want my money
or I'll start a circus. You are a soft,
sweet talker, but you can't fool me."
"Very well," replied the major as he
fell back a step. "I see that some one
has made you believe ill of me, and I
shall say 110 more. I owe you $18. I
will pay it. If I gave you a check"?
"It would be worthless," she finished.
"Therefore I will go upstairs to the
treasurer of the Hair Restorer company
and bring you down the gold.
It will pain me to part with you, but
wc will not part in anger. Sit down
until my return."
"And no tricks, major."
The grand promoter disappeared
through the door, and Mrs. Simpkins
waited. The minutes passed, but she
held on. The hours passed, but she
was still there. It was only at 2 o'clock
in the afternoon that she tipped over
his desk, upset the chairs and burst
a window and walked downstairs with
her 200 pounds of anatomy mad all
through. From the other side of the
street the major saw her go, and with
a sigh of relief he returned to his
office and carefully locked the door
and sat down to figure anew.
M. QUAD.
? - * TV*- T
Time ui ?in unc.
"Air you havin' a gcod time on your
vacation, young feller?" asked Uncle
Hiram.
"Yes, indeed." answered Mr. Glumleigh.
"Yesterday I got a letter from
my sweetheart saying that she had
met the nicest fellow and he had proposed.
She was to give him a definite
answer to his proposal tonight. Then
this morning I got a letter from my employer
saying the clerk they hired to
take my place was giving such good
satisfaction that they thought it would
be unnecessary for me to return to
the store. Yes, indeed, I'm having a
lovely time."?Indianapolis Sun.
Brain Food Nonsense.
Another ridiculous food fad has
been branded by the most competent
authorities. They have dispelled the
silly notion that one kind of food is
needed for brain, another for muscles
and still anctber for boDes. A correct
diet will not only nourish a particular
part of the body, but it will
anatoin avarv nthpr nftrk. Yet. hoW
ever good your food may be, its nutriment
is destroyed by indigestion or
dyepepsia. You must pr pare for
their appearance or prevent their
coming by taking regular dose9 of
Green's August Flower, the favorite
medicine of the healthy millions. A
t?w doses aids digestioo, stimulates
the liver to healthy action, purifies
'be blood, and makes you feel buoyant
and vigorous. You can get this
reliable remedy at Kaufmann's Drug
Store. Get Green's Special Almanac.
51?32
"VVooidn't Post Bins.
"Dear, dear!" sighed Mrs. Nuliwed.
"I suppose I'll have to take this re
celpted Dili down to ine maimers myself."
"You can mail it, can't you?" asked
her husband.
"No, indeed. I've seen those large
signs stuck up all over the city which
read, Tost No Bills.' "?Baltimore Herald.
A Mere Matter of Curiosity.
"I dropped asleep in the hammock,
and he came up and kissed me."
"Did he wake you up?"
"Of course. But 1 didn't let him
know it."
I "Why not?"
"Oh, a mere matter of curiosity. I
wanted to see if he'd have nerve
enough to do it again."?Chicago Post.
The American*.
First American?Which do you prefer,
Marius, to be very rich or very
poor?
Second American ? If I had my
choice, Aurelius, I should be neither.
I should have about five millions.?
Life.
A Wroncr Without Words.
"Papa," said little Willie, "what's a
mantrap?"
Papa glanced quickly at mamma,
then dropped his eyes to his paper once
more and went ou reading.?Indianapolis
Sun.
If the Baby is Cutting Teeth.
Be sure and use that old and well
tried remedy, Mrs. Winslow's Soothing
Syrup for children teething. It
soothes the child, softens the gums,
allays all pain, cures wind colic and
is the best remedy for diarrhoea,
Twenty-five cents a bottle.
It is the best of all.
w?????
f^lii woman
Vma' Bjffi^\y^sNx what she would
HF^l ?PfA\v\ > se1'. h?r health
S&) mmU\vor anc* " *ou^ te^
^ A n\ \ \ y?u ^a' c^?icest
H \ \ \diamoni the world
1 ?.? \\ could not buy it. What
H \\\ use for diamond rings to
J JTOKe emphasize the shrunken
4kwH \ ^n?ers? or earrings to light
ngkrag 'up the cheeks hollowed by
AlwSr Health is the first requisite
flfran&to womanly happiness. General
Ka&Bill-health in women has its oriJsJJjfgin
in local womanly diseases.
wJSf Cure the diseases of the delicate
nftf womanly organism and the genTgS
eral health is perfectly restored.
The remarkable benefits ex/|ty
perienced from the use of Dr.
ImlW Fierce's Favorite Prescription
are due to this medicine's peril?
feet cures of womanly diseases.
It establishes regularity, dries
WM weakening drains, heals infiamff
mation and ulceration and cures
| ^ female_weakness.
W|L "It affords me great pleasure iu i>c
|Vb able to say a few words in regard to
1|| the merit's of Dr. Pierce's Favorite
II Prescription and his ' Golden Medical
U Discovery,' writes Mrs. Flora Arn, of
9 Dallas, Jackson Co., Mo, "I was
# tempted to try these medicines after
IM seeing the effect upon my mother. At
M an early stage ofmarried life I waa
[m greatlv "bothered with painful peribb
ods, also a troublesome drain wnich
em rendered me very weak and unfit for
fMf work of any kind. I became so thin
there was nothing left of me but skin
\lBL and bone. My husband became
alarmed and got me a bottle ' FaW
vorite Prescription.' After he aa\v the
wonderful effects of that one he got
j A me two more, and after I used those
j Jk up there was no more pain, and I fceWh
gan to gain in flesh very rapidly."
wr ? Favorite Prescription " makes
ja .weak women strong, sick women
ak well. Acccept no substiute for
the medicine which works won_
ders for weak
women.
PLACEBO PRESCRIPTIONS.
.
! An Old Doctor Tells a Secret of His
Profession.
"Xever tell a patient that there is
nothing the matter with him," said the
old doctor, who was revealing the secrets
of his profession. "If you do, you
mnl-n o lifnlrmor ptiphiv Jim! lose VOlir
U ^
patient, who sends for another doctor.
Give him something, if it is only fiavor!
ed water. If the disease is only iinagi!
nary, cure the imagination with a
; harmless dose, and your patient gets
| well. In the profession we call such
: prescriptions 'placebos,' and more won|
derful cures are effected by placebos
; than the world wots of. So, also, when
you run across a patient who announces
the first thing that he cannot
take certain sorts of medicine, don't
tell him he must. Agree with him and
give him the medicine, if he needs it.
; in a disguised form.
! "There are thousands of people who
! labor under the conviction that they
cannot take quinine and will tell you
j that they have never taken it in their
; lives, while at the same time they may
; be taking large doses of it. The taste
! of quinine is hard to disguise, but if
J administered in a pill the patient can
be made to take it and never suspect
what he has swallowed. The trouble
! is the patient is apt to recognize a
quinine pill by its appearance, to suspect,
bite into the pill and thus discover
your ruse- To obviate this difficulty
druggists now have pills of quii
nine made in odd shapes and colors.
: Pink pills, containing nothing but quij
nine and a little harmless coloring mat|
ter, are a favorite form for use in cases
; where an antiquinine crank has to be
I medicated. In giving a placebo it is not
i wise to have it taste too well. The pa|
ticnt is apt to suspect if you do. And
I be sure that you gravely impress upon
i the patient that only a teaspoonful is
j to be taken at a time and that at stated
| intervals. The whole virtue of a place;
bo exists in the solemnity and impor|
tance with which you surround it."?
I New York Press.
FLOWER AND TREE.
j saipigiossis is a pretty, snowy uni
nual, easy to raise and worthy a place
| in the garden.
The birch grows farther north than
| any other tree. Next comes the Siberian
larch and then the fir.
The dark spot in the center of a bean
blossom is the nearest approach to
black that occurs in any flower.
Sunflowers may be transplanted quite
easily if the work is done on a rainy
day or in the cool of the evening.
Preserve a green lawn in the center
of the garden, however small. This is
needed to set off the flowers and for
purposes of relief.
Mignonette is so unobtrusive that its
presence is often betrayed by its sweet
scent merely, but a large bed of mignonette
should be in every garden.
Dissolve fresh lime in water, allow
sediment to settle and saturate earth
in which small, white worms have
been noticed with the clear solution
thus made.
That "it is never too hue to set out
roses'' is a true word about gardening.
But "the earlier the better, so long as
j the frost is out of the ground," is a
| maxim 110 less worthy of dependence.
A Srinv Monster.
I
For sheer ferocity ot appearance, un|
redeemed by any milder facial attrij
butes, a lizard called after "Moloch horj
rid king" Moloch horridus is pre-emij
nent among reptiles. The body of this
Australian reptile is so covered with
! spines that, as it has been put, nature
I seems to have endeavored to ascertain
I how many spines coukl be inserted on
! a {riven area. But. unlike its tutelary
1 deity, who seems really to have spelled
. | himself Moloch, the lizard does not de;
mand the blood of children. It is, indeed,
vegetarian and only fiery in that
it has a curious faculty of absorbing
and drying up water. A specimen
placed in a shallow dish was observed
to attract the water like a piece of
blotting paper.?Westminster Gazette.
GULF STREAM MARKS.
The Course . of the Flow Through
the Ocean Plainly Indicated.
The color of the stream is perceptibly
deeper blue than that of the neighboring
sea, this blueness forming one
of the standard references of the nautical
novelists. The depth of color is
due to the high percentage of salt continued
as compared with the cold green
water of higher latitudes, observation
having shown that the m#-e salt held
in solution by sea water the more intensely
blue is its color. Thus even in
extratropical latitudes we sometimes
observe water of a beautiful blue color,
as for instance, in the Mediterranean
and in other nearly landlocked
basins, where the influx of fresher water.
beimr more or loss impeded, the
percentage of salt contained is raised
by evaporation above the average, says
the National Geographic Magazine.
Another important fact in connection
with the stream is its almost tropical
temperature, due to the fact that its
high velocity enables it to resell the
middle latitudes with very little loss
of heat. Upon entering its limits the
temperature of the sea water frequently
shows a rise of ten degrees and even
fifteen degrees. It was this fact that
gave to the stream in the later years
of the eighteenth century and the earlier
years of the nineteenth an importance
in the minds of navigators that
it no longer possesses. In those days
the chronometer, invented by Harrison
in 1765, was still an experiment.
Instruments were crude and nautical
tables often at fault.
The result was that the determination
of the longitude was largely a
matter of guesswork, a vessel after a
voyage from the channel to America
often being out of her reckoning by de
grees instead of by minutes. The idea,
first suggested by Benjamin Franklin,
that the master of a vessel, by observing
the temperature of the surface water,
could tell the moment of his entry
into the gulf stream and could hence
fix his position to within a few miles
was hailed with delight.
The method was published in 1700
by Jonathan Williams in a work
lengthily entitled "Thermometrical
Navigation: Being a series of experiments
and observations tending to
prove that by ascertaining the relative
heat of the sea water from time to
time the passage of a ship through the
gulf stream and from deep water into
soundings may be discovered in time
to avoid danger." In this work he
makes a patriotic comparison of the
gulf stream to a streak of red, white
and blue, painted upon the surface of
the sea for the guidance of American
navigators.
Owes His Life to a Neighbor's
Kindness.
?? T-w T* T\ I 11 I
air. u jr. .Lwugueny, wen nuuw
throughout Mercer aDd Sumne
counties, W. Va., most likely owe
is life to the kiodness of ? ueighboi
Be was almost hopeless afflicted witl
diarrhoea; was attended by two ph)
dcians who gave him little, if anj
ie.ief, when a neighbor learning o
lis serious conditioo, brought mm >
bjttleof Chamberlain's Colic, Cholen
and Diarrhoea Remedy, which curei
nim in less than twenty four hours
For sale by J. E. Kaufmann.
Ancient Trade* Unions.
Seven thousand years ago there were
trades unions in Nineveh and Babylon,
and so strict were their rules that in
some cases the penalty of death was
inflicted for infringing them. Each
man's work was strictly defined, and
even the number of hours that he was
allowed to work was stated in the
charter of his guild or union. Later
exactly the same state of affairs existed
in Pompeii, and inscriptions have
been discovered stating specific ap
pointments or officials to trades unions.
The most powerful of these appears
to have been that of the Fishermen's
guild.
Deceptive.
"Dey oughter pass a law," said Hungry
Higgins, nursing his leg. "ter compel
people ter call deir dogs be appropriate
names."
"Wot's de matter now?" inquired
Dusty Rhoads.
"Why, a woman down de road said
if I didn't git out o' her yard she'd call
Fido. O' course I laft'ed. Den she
called Fido, and Fido didn't do a t'ing.
He was a big brindle bull!"?Chicago
Tribune.
A "Bird" Anyway.
Mrs. Spenders?That's what I call a
"duck" of a bonnet.
Mr. Speuders?Yes? I'd call it a "pelican."
Mrs. Spenders?A "pelican?"
Mr. Spenders?Yes: on account of the
size of the bill.?Philadelphia Press.
The records left by the Phoenicians.
Assyrians and ancient Persians show
that among all those nations the use
of perfumes was very common.
The cost of producing and planting
young salmon is under ?1 per 1,000.
A Sad Disappointment.
Iueifective liver medicine is a disappointment,
but you don't wart to
purge, strain and break the elands
of the stomach and bowTels. DeWitt's
JLr.ttle Jbariy it'.sers never disappoint.
They cleanse the system of all poison
and putrid matter and do it potently
tba'? ODe enpys tbe pleasant effects.
They ?.re a tonic to the liver. Cure
biliousness, torpid liver and prevent
fever. J E. Ivaufmann.
Kodol Dyspepsia Cure
Digests what you eat*
SIGHTS OF OLD PANAMA.
City Once a* Bountiful an Any Depicted
In Storied Romance.
Following the English style, dinner
is a full dress and ceremonious affair.
After dinner comes the promenade
along the esplanade, a charming walk
around the old battery overlooking the
prison, says the Catholic World. Our
way borders the sea; behind us lies
the city, with its Moorish towers, its
red tiled roofs; back of it rises Mount
Ancon; to our left is the little Indian
hamlet of La Boca, at the mouth of
the Kio Grande, and the green hills of
the Andes in the distance; along the
horizon ocean ward stretches the bay.
What words can describe it? A study
t^ * .-? T-O At* tlia cnttiixr enn
Ill 1JUUJ1 US LUC 1UJ O WL llll .7,4.1
turn to crimson, green and gold its
islands; the stately palmetto trees that
fringe its banks, the white beach and
far away the ancient towers of San
Anastasius, sole landmark of the once
beautiful city of old Panama.
The story of this beautiful city, old
Panama, reads like one of the romances
from the "Arabian Nights" that
so delighted our childhood. Its houses
of aromatic wood, hung with costly
tapestries, adorned with paintings and
sculptures that a king might envy;
its 800 magnificent churches, with their
services of silver and gold, their frescoes
of pearls and precious stones; its
pleasure gardens; its broad driveways,
chief of which was the king's highway,
over which the royal horses bore
the treasures to Puerto Bello and the
ships ready to sail with them to Spain.
Into the midst of this Asiatic splendor
came Morgan and his buccaneers, and
this struggle, one of the most memorable
on our continent, the first of white
against white, led to the destruction of
the flower of Spanish chivalry and the
capture of Panama. So pass the glories
of the world!
SWIMMERS' CRAMP.
It I* Not So Very Dangorons if the
Victim Will Keep Cool.
If swimmers could be trained to keep
cool under all circumstances, there
would be comparatively little drowning
among bathers and summer pleasure
seekers. Cramp is usually assigned
as the cause when some good swimmer
drowns. But cramp ought in reality to
be nothing serious. Usually is affects
only an arm or a leg or maybe only a
hand or foot. Any moderately good
swimmer can keep afloat with one arm
or even without the use of that, yet
good swimmers drown often as a result
of cramp. If such fatalities were analyzed.
they would be more properly
classed as drowning from fright and
loss of nerve. This conies from the fact
that every one is taught in childhood
to fear the water and comes as a
grown man and a swimmer to fear
cramp. The average opinion is that
the man who is attacked when swimming
in deep water is as good as
drowned. Therefore, when a swimmer
ifcft'lS it Ul <11 ill ucjjiii iv imuij; uc jo
frightened in most eases entirely out
of his wits. He loses his head, begins
to splash and paw and struggle and
then goes down.
What the swimmer should remember
is that he can keep afloat with very,
very little effort if he will turn on his
back and keep his chest inflated. It is
the simple matter of floating, which
every swimmer knows and tinds very
easy. If the swimmer will keep cool
and float, the cramping limb will frequently
relax after a little and he will
And himself as well as ever.?Outing.
Pat's Trouble.
Tat had come over to America with
the expectation of finding money lying
around loose, only waiting for some
one to pick It up. Of course this was
long ago. Pat had soon become disillusionized
and was always glad to get
hold of odd jobs which would net him
a little something to help him keep
body and soul together. Finally, becoming
tired of the struggle, he decided
to end it all and was very industriously
tying a rope around his waist
when his landlord happened in on hira.
After watching him curiously for a
few minutes he asked:
"What's up, Pat? What are you trying
to do?"
"Troyin' to choke meself, av coorse,"
was Pat's answer.
"Choke yourself? You can't do it
that way. You'll have to put the rope
around your neck."
"Sure an' I thried thot, but I couldn't
breathe."?New York Times.
On Sure Ground.
A well known artist overheard a
countryman and his wife ridiculing
his picture, which represented a farm
scene. He was so indignant that he at
last interposed with the remark:
"That painting is valued at ?100.
Allow me to ask if you are familiar
with works of art?"
"Xot very familiar with art," replied
the farmer, "but I know something
about nature, young man. When you
make a cow that gets up from the
ground by putting her fore feet lirst,
you do something that nature never
did."?London Answers.
A Deep Thrnst.
Miss Kutt?I see Miss Ciadsby has a
new gown.
Miss Snarl?I presume it is a cheap
looking affair.
Miss Kutt?Rather. It's oft' the same
piece as your new one.?Ohio State
Journal.
Both Suited.
"Grymes and his wife quarreled for
six months over naming the baby."
"How did they settle itV"
"Easily. It was twins."?Brooklyn
Life.
His Firm Belief. ,
Willie?Pap, what is the difference
between firmness and obstinacy?
Father?Merely a matter of sex, my
son.?Chicago News.
Don't Bo a Second Class Man.
You can hardly imagine a boy saying:
"I am going to be a second class ?
man. I don't want to be first class
and get the good jobs, the high pay.
Second class jobs are good enough for
me." Such a boy would be regarded
as lacking in good sense if not in sanity.
You can get to be a second class
man, however, by not trying to be a
first class one. Thousands do that all
the time, so that second class men area
drug on the market, remarks Success.
Second class things are only wanted
when first class can't be had. You
wear first class clothes if you can pay
| for them, eat first class butter, first
class meat and first class bread, or, if
you don't, you wish you could. Second
class men are 110 more wanted than
any other second class commodity.
They are taken and used when the
bettor article is scarce or is too high
priced for the occasion. For work
that really amounts to anything first
class men are wanted.
The Home of England's Wealth.
The Fank of England generally contains
sufficient gold in sixteen pound
bars to make 20.000,000 sovereigns. j
The bank, which stands in three par- A
ishes, covers three acres of ground. 4
and, as the current price of land in the
vicinity works out at ?1,000,000 an i
acre, it is easy to form an idea of the
money value of England's wealth. The
ratable value is about ?1,000 a week.
The bank employs about 1,000 people,
pays a quarter of a million a year in
wages and ?33,000 a year in pensions*
There are ?25,000,000 worth of notes in
circulation which have been handed!
over the bank's counter. ? London
Globe.
Starting: the Conversation.
"I don't know what the trouble is,"
said the hostess in a tone of great annoyance.
"My guests seem very distant
and unsocial. I wish I could think
of snmp w;iv to start them talkins: to
one another."
"That's very easily done," answered
Miss Cayenne. "Is ttfere a musician
present?"
"Yes." '
"Get him to play or sing something.''
?Washington Star.
The Lupse of Time.
When two married men who haven't
seen each other for some time meet
one of them always says before they,
separate. "Let's see?how old is your
oldest now?" And then, after he gets
the answer, he adds, "It is astonishing,
isn't it, how time does fly?"?Somerville
(Mass.) Journal.
1 I
A Soft Answer.
"Keep yer temper, laddie. Never
quarrel wi' an angry person, especially,
a woman. Mind ye, a soft answer's
aye best. It's commanded, and, forbye,
it makes them far madder than onything
else ye could say."?London Tit- J
Bits.
Counterbalanced.
Mr. Brown?Darling, your butcher
gives you short weight for your money.
Mrs. Brown?But consider, my dear,
the long wait you give him for his.?
Illustrated Bits.
A Fine Liver Cure.
Greenville, Tenn.
I have thoroughly convinced myself
that Dr. Baker's Blood and <
Liver Care is the finest medicine
made for Indigestion and Constipa*
tion. (I have tried them all) and
1 * ' ? r ils?n m1.
was curea oy me use ui imo unu.cine,
after all others had failed. I
most cheerfully and unhesitatingly
endorse it. Yours truly,
H. N. Baker, Mayor.
For sale at the Bazaar.
Call or send your dues to the Dis- I
patch.
IIIfrdit trees I
That Crow and Bear Frnit.
Write for our 60 page il- I
l^strated Catalogue and 40
page pamphlet, "How to
^ Plant and Cultivate an Orchard,"
Gives you that information
you have so long
ffluwwSB wanted; tells you all about
wjs|. 'Wg those big red apples, lucious
peaches. And Japan plums
with their oriental sweetness,
A all of which you have often
wondered where the trees
jjn&S Icame from that produced
| them.
mmi 'everything good in
fruits.
^ Unusal fine stock of SILVER
rtfe MAPLES,young, thrifty trees
'zWfl Us ^smooth and straight, the kind
j?i that live and grow off well,
old, rough trees. This is
the most rapid growing mapie
and one of the most beau- tiful
shade trees. "l
Write for prices and give
list of wants.
J. Van Liadley Nursery Co., i
Pomona, N C. |
Parlor Restaurant
1336 MAIN STREET. .
' ^AT TTlfRT A . - S. C.. **
WJJ J.IJLJLrA^AT
The only up-to-date eating
House ot its kind in the City of Columbia.
It is well kept--clean linen,
prompt and polite service aLd get it qnickly.
Qniet and order always prevail. You get
what yon order and pay only for what you
eet. Within easy reach of desirable sleeping
apartments.
OPEN ALL NIGHT. ,
B. DAVID, Proprietor.
February 2U.