Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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THE GREAT JOKE, DEATH. Funny Side of Dying: Often Treated of In Literature. "Death," said a publisher, "has been treated humorously in our literature often. Indeed I am quite sure that a collection of many thick volumes might be made under the title of 'Death's Funny Side.' Thomas Hood was one of our best writers of this sort of rerse. Don't you remember his ballad on the young sailor who died heartbroken over his girl's unfaith? The last stanza was: "His death, which happened in his berth. At forty odd befell: They went and told the sexton, and The sexton tolled the bell. "Hood did another ballad on the subject of a soldier who lost both legs in battle, who was in consequence jilted by bis sweetheart anu who men uiuy himself. Now, that is rather tragic, is it not? It has a bizarre but none the less poignant tragic note. Guy de Maupassant indeed once handled almost this same situation, but ho handled it from the opposite viewpoint, and don't you remember how he narrated the first, the crucial, meeting of the lovers after Ben Battle's double amputation ? "But when he called on Nellie Gray She made him quite a scoff. And when she saw his wooden legs Began to take them off. "This treatment drove Ben to despair: "So round his melancholy neck A rope he did entwine And for the second time in life Enlisted in the line. t "And there he hung till he was dead As any nail in town: 2?'ar, inougn despair nau cut mm uj;, 3t could not cut him down. There is a tremendous literature of humorous epitaphs. There must be. 1 fancy, 10,000 of these, but t>? of them are all I can recall. The firs,, goes: "Here lies the body of mild Maria: She went one day to start the fire. But the wood was green. So she used kerosene. And now she's where the fuel is drier. **Tbe other is grimmer: Tife Is a lie, and all things show it: I thought so once, and now I know it. "Then there are songs on the side splitting aspects of death, some of which have caused tender hearted ladies to double up with mirth. 'Johnny Jones and His Sister Sue' is one such song, and I bet that six people out of ten in America know it by heart. "Yes," the publisher concluded, "under the title of 'Death's Funny Side' an anthology of many, many volumes could be made. The anthology should be bound in black pigskin, with grinning skulls and crossbones tooled in gold on it."?Philadelphia Record. A Matter of Principle. "Why is it." says the girl, "that in | giving an account of an accident they always give the age of the person injured? I can see Jhe sense of their talking about blonds and brunettes, a mustache or full beard if it is a man or a red, green or blue gown if it is a woman, for that is a means of identification for acquaintances and friends who may be interested. They don't even put the age in the death notices now, but if you meet with an accident out it comes in all the papers in town. But they will never publish mine. 1 have it on my mind every time 1 cross the street, and when there is a particularly had crowd I say to myself, "Now, remember, if you are run over here, no matter how badly hurt, you are to remember never to tell your age. It's a matter of principle." ? New York Times. Rejected Fortunes. Professor Bell bad a strenuous time over his invention of the telephone. He took the first working model of his instrument to John A. Logan and ofhim n half interest for S2..~0V>. saying that it would do away with the telegraph and that there would be inilijows in it. Logan replied: *1 dure say jour machine works perfectly, but who would want to talk through such a thing as that, anyway? I advise you to save your money, young man." Bell then offered a tenth interest to an examiner in the patent office for $100 in cash, it was refused. That tenth interest was worth $1,300,000 in fifteen years.?Pearson's. Rntlier Airy. '"There is an acquaintance of mine." remarked the doctor, "who gives himself airs because he was given up to ?He thirty years ago and has kept himself alive till now by taking oxygen." "How old is he now?" asked the professor. "THer eighty." "Tie's what you would call an oxyge-EarisB. is be?" said the professor, looking a i him with half shut eyes.?Chicago Tribune. An Appropriate \nnie. "It is a pretty name." the impressionable traveler murmured, "but tell | movrhj do they call you Manita?"' There was an arch smile on the savage ina Wen's face. "Evidently," she said as she signaled tolier brothers, who were concealed in lise brush with clubs, "you do not incur our favorite food." Suspected It. Cashier?1 can't honor that check. jBadaio. Your husband's account is ?rcvdra wn. Yi'otiiau?Huh! Overdrawn, is it? I suspected something was wrong when lie signed this check without waiting 3'ctr mo to get the hysterics. , Mortgages. Did it ever occur to you how much liarder it is to lift a mortgage than it is to raise one??Boston Transcript. Ever notice that when you particularly try to be entertaining you gosaap more??Atchison Globe. ENGLISHMAN AND TURK. IIow the Former Obtuiiied Some ("anil Owed by the Latter. An Englishman has just had a very curious experience, says the London Telegraph. lie had lent a Turk some money, but the man was unable to pay and on his deathbed laid a particular charge on his wife and cliilcirca to meet the debt. The eldest son j was making arrangements according- I ly, but also died, and he, too. begged : ' his family to pay the money as soon I as they could. One day the Englishman received a j ' visit from a member of the family, I who said that there were now four : members of it left, and they were ! ready to pay, but one of the daughters j 1 refused to subscribe lier share, Ueciar- : ing that the money was never really j lent. The others, however, wished to j settle the matter, and if the English- i man would come to the house it would be arranged. "But." the Turk added, "if you see there is any difficulty just say that you leave it to be settled in 1 the next world!" Accordingly the Englishman went to : the house at the appointed time and j met the family in the presence of a | mollah, the ladies being behind a j screen. The mollah began by asking ! if he had truly lent the money, ?-w much it was and if he would take any less. One of the women behind kept j saying it was all a fraud. The English- J man then declared that he had lent the money, that he had not asked for it, ; that they had told him to come and I set it and if they did not want to pay j it he would leave the matter to be set- j tied in the next world. There was dead silence for a few mo- | ments, and then the women called j their brother, and each paid her share i without a word. It seems the prospect j of meeting the father in the other world without having carried out his wishes was too serious a thing to face. ; i THE COOKBOOK. I In baking bread it is better to overdo ' rather than underdo the work. To make a good digestible pie crust j use cream instead of lard, and it will 1 1 be light and healthful. 1 If there is not batter enough to fill j the gem pan. put cold water in the empty space before setting the pan in ; the oven. i The rich cheeses, which have the j largest percentage cf fat, are those which blend well with bread in sand- j wiches or with macaroni or rice. For a quick cake beat until thick j four eggs. Add four tablespoonfuls of j sugar, half a cup of flour, a little cin- . namon and lemon rind. Beat well and nr\../vn il /vn >1 Knl'imr *\0?? Rol.-fl 1*11 fill?/"'!.' UilU VII il uv/ iu oven and cut at once. Sweet potatoes are much richer twice cooked. Baked or boiled merely, this ! vegetable is good, but when the baking or boiling is followed by a subsequent cooking in the pan or in the oven they are far better. A tine cheese pudding is made by grating five ounces of bread, and three of cheese. Warm two ounces of butter in a quarter of a pint of fresh milk and mix thoroughly. Add two well beaten eggs, salt and bake half an hour. Death In Their Work. Gilders, photographers anil those who : handle the hydric and potassic cyanides j are liable to suffer from chronic poisoning by hydrocyanic acid. They have \ headache, giddiness, noises in the ear, difficult respiration, pain over the j heart, loss of appetite?in short, show all the evidences of mild poisoning. Zinc workers, too. suiter, zinc is useu as a pigment in calico printing, in discoloring glass, in polishing optical glasses and in making artificial meerschaum pipes. So men die in harness In these and a hundred other occupations, killed by the very air they breathe, and other men step into their shoes.?New York j World. The European Plan. Some queer customers are seen at New York hotels. An okl farmer from the country tells how he got ahead of one of the clerks. "1 walked in," he says, "asked the young man at the i desk, 'What are your prices':' 'American or EuropeanV* he asked me. Now i I wasn't going to tell where I was from i until I had seen the lay of the land, j 'What difference does that make':' says j I. 'If American.' he answered, 'it's $4 ; per day; if European, $1.50.' I thought i a moment, and then an idea struck me j how to get ahead of him. I walked up I boldly and registered from London."? New York Tress. | The Standing: Army, Old Lady?Poor fellow! And so you j are a soldier': Corporal Cannon?Yes, ma'ain. Old Lady?I'm awfully sorry for you. j My, my, to think they never allow you ! to sit down! Corporal Cannon?Ma'am? Old Lady?I said I was sorry for you. j and it is heartless and cruel for the | government to keep a standing army i all the time. Corporal Cannon?Ma'am? Oh. yes, ! ma'am, thank you.?London Chuins. Discovery of Iron. Teacher?Johnny, can you tell me i how iron was first discoveredV Johnny?Yes. sir. "Well, just toil the class what your j information is on that point." *i heard pa say yesterday that they | smelt it."?Spare Moments. _ i Oh. So Polite! "Politest people I ever knew down in J that fever and ague country," remark- | ed the traveler. "In other places they shake hands when they greet you, but down there they shake all over."?Chicago Post. V 'Mb Just within her grasp does not see it; she 'S ^ie vVron*? a woman struggling a sea- of disease | who is doi ng the straws when the life buoy, Dr. Pierce's Favorite Prescription is within her reach. ?Many a woman has testified : "I know I should not be alive to-day but for Dr. Pierce's Favorite Prescription." This famous medicine establishes regularity, dries weakening drains, heals inflammation and ulceration, an" cures female weakness. Weak and sick women, especially those suffering from diseases of long standing, are invited to consult Dr. Pierce, by letter, free. All correspondence is held as strictly private and sacredly confidential. Address Dr. R. V. Pierce, Buffalo, N. Y. ttI take pleasure in writing to let you know the great good I received from your*'Favorite Prescription ' and your ' Pleasant Pellets. ' says Mrs. Nora Gaddie, of Rio, Hart Co., Ky. "I took seven or eight bottles of' Favorite Prescription ' and one or two vials of the ' Pellets.1 Think I would have been in my gTave had it not been for your medicines. It has been about four months since I took the medicine. I was all run down, had loss of appetite, could not sleep at night, was nervous, had backache, black spots on my limbs, and sick headache all the time. I have*not had sick headache since I took your medicine." " Favorite Prescription " makes weak women strong, sick women well. Accept no substitute for the medicine which works wonders for weak women. Dr. Pierce's Pleasant Pellets cure dizziness and sick headache. WATER RIGHTS INVIOLATE. Springs and "Wells In Palestine Are Protected by Severe Laws. Water is the most precious thing in Palestine, and the laws which protect springs and wells are very severe. Most of the wells are artificial. Rich men at very great expense have chiseled basins and reservoirs out of the rocks to receive the flow from springs, and in many places where no springs could be found they have drilled through the limestone a hundred feet and sometimes twice that distance to the artesian basin. None but very rich sheiks can afford such an expenditure. Nevertheless, they have not only been the greatest benefactors of their fellow men, but A 1-. rv ?.? *T? /V 1 1 O n ?%/! 1 Ml 11 4 UlUSU JUU IJcl \ KS JSUliiv V? CHO miu UIUIL fountains have erected monuments to their fame more enduring than palaces or temples or shafts of granite. The temple of Solomon has vanished forever, but the pools which he walled up with masonry and filled with water still remain. The wells that Abraham and Jacob drilled in the rock as acts of piety as well as power are as immortal as their names and will live forever as long as men feel thirst. According to a just custom of the country, water rights could never he forfeited. No man who owned a well might refuse his neighbor water for his family or his flocks, but the lord of the spring was inviolate. No creditor or enemy could take his water rights away from him. To injure or fill up a well was an unpardonable crime. When the Philistines threw earth and stones into the well of Abraham. they intended to challenge him to a war of extermination. These customs and regulations remain today.? Chicago Record-Herald. THE ARABS OF YEMEN. A Story WIiJoli Throw* a Strong Li Slit on Their Character. The Times of India tells the following story to show the character of the Arabs of Yemen. A man of Znraniks who several times cut the telegraph lines and who was punished more than once was caught on one occasion by an Arab sheik in charge of the lines. The sheik intended to send him to Meedy for imprisonment, but the wife of the accused came in and stood as a guarantee for his future good behavior. The sheik accepted the bail and released him. but shortly afterward he again resorted to his old practice of cutting the wires and bolted away to another village at a distance of a day's march, where he had another wife. The sheik then sent for his first wife, who stood security for him, and told her he would disgrace her among the Arabs if she failed to bring in her husband. The woman ashed the shoih not to "spread the black sheet" (a custom of the country when any one commits a breach of trust) until the following day. She started that night, taking a sharp dagger concealed under her clothes, to the village where her husband was staying. She found him asleep in his abode and stabbed him, cut his throat and carried his head back to her home. The next morning she went to the sheik and presented ! the head of her husband, saving: "Here is your criminal, and I am freed from the bail. Please do not affix the black sheet."?Loudon Telegraph. The Best Liniment for Strains.j Mr. H. F Wells. * merchant a? i I>er Park, Loner Island. X. Y , sav^: i - I always recommend Chamberlain s I T> 1 ? ^ ~ Lrt L^of Iinirr.^nf fr\f I iraill JDdiLLi ttts luc ucol .iuilu^ui; iu! i strains. I used it last winter for a j severe laments*; in th^ f ide, result j ing from a strain, and was greatly pleased with the quick relief and cure it effected." h or tale by J. E ! Kaufmann. DeWitt's O Salve For Piles, Barns, Sore9. THE CLUMSY MAN. Von Can Xever lie Sare of What FI!* \ext Rrealc Will lie. The great virtue about the really clumsy man is that he never exhausts his capabilities. When you think that the bedrock is reached, there is still a lower depth. If a detrimental relative should exist, the clumsy man asks after his health with great particularity and will not be satisfied until he receives a full and detailed reply. Should there be any incident in your past which everybody has generously agreed to forgot it is the clumsy man who seizes the one. the inevitable opportunity. when the club is at its fullest and says loudly: "Somebody was talking the other day about that unfortunate little affair of yours in '05. Now tell me:" When on meeting him you say casuually and with no desire for information, "Ilow are you?" he insists on giving you complete data, and he is as full of small complaints as a refractory pauper. It is only fair to add that he will ask affectionately after the colds of yesteryear, and his favorite locale for this is at the corner of a drafty street. He might be subsidized by influenza or he might get a commission on sore throats from his eagerness to pin you into the most dangerous posi- ! tion that can be discovered. One desires an adequate amount of sympathy in distress, but our man always goes a little beyond this point. You are growing thin, and he says that you are wasting away to a shadow. You are growing stout, and he tells an unamusing anecdote about apoplexy. He can be more critical than a hairdresser if occasion gives the least excuse.?Philadelphia Ledger. A UNIQUE DORMITORY. One That Is Owned by the University of the South. Dean Hoffman was noted for charitable impulses, which his large income allowed him to indulge in. Some years ago the dean invested heavily in land in a small southern town which was then enjoying a "boom" period. Among the dean's other investments was a beautiful little hotel, exquisitely appointed and perfect in every detail. After awhile the "boom" fell through, and the little hotel became a losing investment. At this time the chancellor of the University of the South, an old friend of Dean Hoffman, was on a hunting trip with him in the mountains of North Carolina. "We are badly in need of a dormitory down at Suwanee," said the chancellor. "Yes" said Hoffman and sat think in?: for a moment. "Well, you can have the hotel building down at B?naming the town. "You can take it to pieces and move it to Suwanee. It ought to make a pretty little dormitory." The chancellor was greatly pleased and made all the arrangements to move the hotel, when, to his astonishment, the citizens of the town obtained an injunction against its removal on the grounds that the hotel in a way was public property and that to remove it would leave the town without any hotel accommodations. A legal fight followed, but the university won out in the end. So the University of the South revels in the luxury of the most unique dormitory in the world.? New York Times. The Home of the Kindergarten. The Japanese have the most perfect kindergarten system in the world. In fact, they originated this method of instructing l>y entertainment instead of by punishment inflicted. Their play apparatus for such purpose is elaborate, i but all of it is adapted to the infant mind, which it is designed at once to amuse and to inform. The little ones of Japan even become somewhat interested in mathematics by seeing and feeling what a pretty thing a cone, a sphere or a cylinder is when cut out j of wood with a lathe. They make outlinos of solid ligurcs out of straw, with green peas to hold the joints together, and for the instruction of the blind flat blocks are provided with the Japanese characters raised upon thein. Summer complaint is unusually prevalent among children this season. A well developed case in the writers I family was cured last week by the j timely use of Chamberlain's Colic, Cholera and Diarrhoea Remedy?one of the best patent medicines manufactured and which is always kept on hand at the home of ye scribe This is not intended for a free puff for the company, who do not advertise with us, but to benefit little sufferers who may Dot be within easy access of a physician. No family should be without a bottle of this ! medicine in the house especially in I summer time?Lansing, Iowa, Journal, For sale by J. E. Kauf| mann. i isinotnnia Rcjiietiir*. However hopeless you in:?v consider your e:;s<\ be slow to fly to drugs for relief from insomnia. A rubber bag 1"nil of broken iee applied to the back of the neck and a Lot water bag at the feet arc highly rccomnu mied as a remedy for insomnia even in obstinate eases. The circulation is equalized by this treatment. The secret of hot mill: cure also recommended for sufferers from insomnia lies in sipping The beverage. The act of slowly swallowing the liquid is soothing in its effect and generally produces the much desired drowsy feeling which leads to the coveted sleep. Ir' it is a sin for a woman to glory in her beauty it is a beautiful sin A .Hatter For Wonder. Pat?It do be tirrible bow often we hear av the death av ould frinds. Mike?Yis, an' we niver hear av the birth av one at all, at all.?New York Times. Nothing; In It. /H Cbolly?Aw?father, aw?how do you like my new hat, don't you know? His Dad?Well. I think a little more brains and less hat would be more becoming.?Chicago American. Acting the Part. "Since he married that rich girl I understand Dabsley leads a dog's life." "I expected as much." "Yes; he does nothing but eat. lie around the house and growl."?Philadelphia North American. A White Man Mohed. Owensboro, Ky, July 17.?Joseph Anderson, a farmer, who was in jail here charged with the murder of his wife, on the night of July 8, was taken from the prison by a masked mob of about forty men and hanged to a beam over the city scales on one of the principal streets of Owensboro, at 2 30 o'clock this morning. The lynchers, who are supposed to have come from the scene of Anderson's alleged crime, about three miles west of Owensboro, made their entrance into the city qoietly^nd, going to the j ?i1, demanded admittance, which was refused. Then they battered down the prison door and while some weDt to the prisoner's cell to lead him out, others of the mob surrounded the j lilor and his family to prevent them from giving the alarm. ! Anderson was soon secured ana in a few moments was led across tbe j street from the prison. A hair rope was placed about his neck and he was hanged to the beam over the pair of scales. The mob then dieparsed and no arrests have yet been made. Anderson was the first white man ever lynched in Davies county. At the time of the murder with which be was charged was committed, Mrs. Aaderson was living at her father's house, where Anderson went for the alleged purpose of affecting reconc'liation. The woman's father, it is said, entered some objections, and the irate husband then dragged his wife into the yard and shot her to death. Train Jobbers Located. The westbound train on the Denver and R;o Grand railroad was held I up by four masked men near Chester, Colorado, on July 14th. The safes were rifled and the passengers were relieved of their money and jewelry. A dispatch from Sarguache, Col., 16;h says: The men who robbed the Denver and Rio Grande trains at the mill switch in the Marshall pass a few days ago were located today between Middle and Shep creeks, thirty miles from the scene of the hold up. Three posses surround them and a fierce battle is looked for. Filipinos Hate Americans. .Tnlv 17?"Father Santiago I " ~'J - C7 - I Papa, the provincial of the Domini- < cans in the Philippines, who is stay- ! ing here, when informed of the result ! of Tafi's negotiations with the vanti- I can on the subject of the friars, i < expressed satisfaction at tb* accept- I ance of the first proposal of C ordinal : 3 Pimpolia that the matter be discuss- j ! ed at Manilla between the apostolic : J delegate and Taft. Father Papa : says that it is not true that the Fili- j pinos are against the friars, but de- | j "'iiMo hnte thp Americans. j . The Best Prescription for Malaria | Chills, and Fever is a bottle of Grove's Tasteless Chill Tonic. It is I simply iron and quinine in a tasteless from. No cure, no pay. Price 50c. Stevens < Ideal Rifle. No. 44. Price Only $10.00. , Made in all the standard cali- J bers both Rim and Center Fire. Weight about 7 pounds. Standard barrel for rim lire cartridges, i 24 inches. For center-fire cart- A | ridges, 20 inches. If these rifles are not carried in stock by your dealer, send price and we will send it to you express prepaid. Send stamp for catalog describing complete line and containing valuable information to shooters. The J. Stevehs Arms md Tool Go. P. 0. Box 1736, CHICOPEE FALLS, MASS. J April y. i902. 4m. W. A. RECKLING, ABTIST, columbia, s. c. IS NOW MAKING THE BEST PIC*' tures that can be had in this country, ; and all who have never had a real fine picture, should now try some of his latest styles. Specimens can be seen at his Gallery. up stairs, next to the Hub. When writing mention the Dispatch, ENGINES BOILERS. Tanks. Stack*, Stand Pipes and Sheet-Iron Work; Shaftlnr. Pulleys, Gearing, Boxes, Hangers, eta. Mill Castings. la^Cast every day; work 200 hands. LOMBARD IRON WORKS * SUPPLY OS AUGUSTA, GEORGIA. January 27? ly BEESWAX WANTED IH LARGE OR SMALL QUANTITIES I WILL PAY THE HIGHEST MARket price for clean and pure Beeswax. Price governed by color and condition. i T* Tnn -n n**n if a it I JD. HiiJim.rt.ii, At the Bazaar. Lexington, S. C. *1 EDWARD L. ASBILL, Attorney at Law, 4 leesville, s. c. Practices in all the Courts. Business solicited. Sept. 30?6m ALL BIG BOXING EVENTS Are Best Illustrated and Described in POLICE GAZETTE The Worlds Famous . 9 . . . Patron of Sports. $1.00-13 WEEKS-$1.0C MAILED TO YOUR ADDRESS. BICHABD K. FOX, Publisher, Franklin Square, New York. THE 3 ODTDTTTFVr or minium ( REMEDIES. Endorsed by some of the Leading Medical Profession. No Quack or Patent Medicine, but NATURE'S PURE REMEDIES. Wholesale and Retail by G. M. HARMAN, p fire u file ivr m COUNTRY RISKS CONSIDERED. ^r\rvimnir.c V^UJV J. 1131- UIBB3 See my List of Giants: Assets . ETNA, FIRE, of Hartford, Conn $13,357,293 CONTINENTAL (Fire), ot New York 10,638.271 PHILADELPHIA UNDERWRITERS. Pliil.. Pa.. 15,541,C66 .ETNA LIFE, of Hartford, , Conn 56,092,086 GLENN FaLLS. ot Glenn i Falls, New York 3,430,899 My companies are popular, strong and reliable. No one can give your business l>etter attention: no one can give you better protection: no one can give you better rates. ' BEFORE YOU INSURE SEE ALFI1E!> .1. 1 "OX, J General Insurance Agent, r T? V T V. 'TAV Q C I x v/. November 27, 1001?ly. <S7f*L^, 1 I t'his signature is on every box of the genuine Laxative Bromo=Quinine Tablets the remedy thet cures a cold In one u&j >