Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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The Abbeville Press and Banner, PUBLISHED WEEKLY ? AT ? ABBEVILLE, S. C. Father Time, suggests the Boston Post, was probably nursed in ?he lapse of ages. A Teal gossip, observes the Atchison Globe, uses this expression pretty often: "I got it very straight." It makes some of us uncomfortablei confesses the Philadelphia Record, to see other people as uucomfortable as we are. The aeroplane designed for a honeymoon voyage follows by only a few years the "bicycle built for two," notes the New York World. Size is not the only thing that reaches the home plate, muses Ram's Horn, when the question of championship is about to be settled. Mrs. Peavisli says, quotes me uaireston News, that she never realized the power of heredity until she noticed how the baby kept her waiting on it whenever its father didn't keep tier waiting on him. Owing to the general decay of the old country fairs and feasts, of which the dates were for centuries as familiar as those of Lady day or Michaelmas, recalls the London Times, life in many country districts has probably besn duller during the last half century than it ever was before. The American habit of aping for ign ways is again illustrated by a lituation which has arisen in Cleve(and, Ohio, laments the New York i V Hail. An alarming outbreak of imallpox occurred in that city, ana, not content with the simple American rariety of that disease, which is bad enough, goodness knows, the announcement is made that the ailment which has appeared in the Ohio metropolis is "genuine European nnallpox." How very snobbish, not to say unpatriotic! ? Ex-Senator Everett Colby, one of the leaders of New Jersey, in a speedrecently told the following story on > bimself: "While campaigning for reelection a couple of years ago I was standing in front of a hotel in one of the smaller municipalities of my county when a man drove up in a buggy and, walking over to me, asked that I hold his horse until he came out of the hotel. 'I guess you don . know who I am,' I answered. 'Why, I am a Senator.' 'That's all right,' responded the man, 'I'll trust you.' " ' The United States and the West Indies are the countries that supply the world with most of its cotton, and after them come Egypt, India and 'Africa into consideration as cottongrowing lands. With the gradual decline in exports of American breadBtuCs cotton has become much the greatest of staple exports, declares the Philadelphia Record. Upon the extent of the country's crop depend? the price of cotton in the world's markets. Last year's crop was the smallest in the decade, and the consequence is a rise in the price ol which gambling in futures has not been slow to take advantage; with a still further decline of the cotton crop this year and with an increased consumption the prices are useiy u rise still higher. It is amusing, if a bit irritating, to hear the defence of the New York tradesmen for their little habit ol continuously cheating the public bj means ef undersized barrels, falselj labelled cotton and linen goods and other inconspicuous games to defraud "Trade customs," they call them, chides the.Boxton Post, and they sil back in their office chairs with a calm and easy assumption of complete virtue. But why is it that "trade customs" invariably work for the benefit of the sellers? Why do they always fi-ivp the consumer less than he is enti tied to, less than he thinks he is getting? A "trade custom" that would once in a great while?even a verj great while?result to the advantage of the buyer would be a refreshing manifestation of the fitness of things But it is never seen. It is all over now, relates the Ne^ York- Mail, but a Chicago womar stin believes that Police Commission' er Eok, who saved her from drowning was guilty of an exceedingly mear trick. Having resolved to drown her self, she waded out in the lake unti the wAer touched her chin. Eel shouted at her and she paused, bu: as be could not swim and was mucl shorter than the woman, he could no go to her rescue. An inspiratioi came to him. He began to mak< ugly faces at the woman, and hi: grimaces made her so mad that sh< forgot all about her original purpose Enraged at the man's insolence, sh< retreated toward the shore, perhapi with a determination to punish him finally she came within reach and hi grabbed her and dragged her out 01 dry land, safe but unspeakably angry - It was a distinctly new turn in Ui savins. "All going out and nothing coming in" is the complaint of the baldheaded man, confesses the Philadelphia Record. ______?? ?? Humility, self-respect and a well defined purpose to do worthy work, contends the Christian Register, make I a fine combination. ? J We'd give a pretty penny, sighs the j Commoner, to again feel the sensai tions of the small boy who has just landed his first fish. Make people thiLk better of themselves and you will not need to worry ! over your own epitaph, admonishes i the Chicago Tribune. | Some of the department stores are giving free vaudeville, hut this is no bid. warns the Louisville CourierI ' | Journal, for remnant jokes. A Western woman holds that large feet are evidence of great brains, j Maybe, admits the New York Herald, but it's no place to carry them. ____________ Perhaps circumstances sometimes | force an unfortunate to be a "hobo," concedes the Philadelphia Ledger, but i the millionaire who is one must be j so from choice. No change in the last fifty years, | insists the Christian Register, has ; been more marked than that brought 1 about by the vast increase of new ocj cupations by which men and women could earn a livelihood. To the Providence Journal it begins to look as if, when China wakes j up, she will find the bed so crowded ; as to make it difficult for her to turn | over without raising a rumpus with the parties on either side. Says the Philadelphia Inquirer: j A strange thing has happened In j Massachusetts. The Mayor of a city j was accused of stealing, tried, convicted and put in jail?all within two i weeks. Are there no lawyers up I there, or do they have fool laws which mean what they say? Observes the Rochester Union and | Advertiser: The fact is forced on I thinking people that those who are f | directly Or indirectly responsible for i the lives of the men who work below i the surface of the earth are doing ; nothing that is effectual in lessening j the dangers of mining coal. The only ! advance which has been noted of late ! is a new outfit for exploring mines j after a disaster has occurred. This is j the oxygen helmet. It is a poor satis; faction to the average man, however, to know that if he is not blown to atoms in a mine there is a better, chance than formerly of rescuing hie body, and possibly before life is exj tinct. Submits the Baltimore American! If the political agitation in Cuba were : an index to its industrial condition, . the island would be in a bad shape, j Fortunately, the Cubans were never ' so prosperous; the country's long re, lief from strife and the safeguards j thrown aboat constitutional rule I through the obligations laid upon the | island by the United States have fogj tered the industrial interests of the | Cubans. The importance of this con! dition is reflected in the indisposition i of the people to follow inflammatory i insurgents into the brush. The grad, ual separation of industrial interests ; from political agitation is leaving the j latter high^nd dry. i ??????????? j Countess Anna Maria Helena de ' Noailles, a member of one of the historic families of France, made a curious will which has lately been j proved, relates the New York Trib! une. She left her estate at Meads, ! Eastbourne, England, to found "St. Mary's Orphanage," laying down the | following rules for the education of f I the girls: No competitive examinaj tions, no study before breakfast, no . i study after 6 p. m., all lessons to be ! learned in the morning, no girl to j work more than four and a half i hours daily. No arithmetic, except , the multiplication tables for children under ten. No child with curvature of the spine to write more than five j minutes a day until thirteen. Each ! girl must be certified by two phren| ologists as not deficient in conscien' 1 tiousness and firmness; no child to i ' be vaccinated. === ! Captain Charles C. Healey, commander of Chicago's squad of traffic | regulators, has made a number of i recommendations looking to the re: lief of street congestion based on a i two months' study of foreign methi ods. Among other things he says j that all houses in the business dis tricts should be required to receive i all supplies at hours that will not in! terfere with traffic. This, comments , i the New York Tribune, would mean i either night deliveries or receipt of . i consignments at early morning hours. ,! He thinks, also, that subways for pe! destrians should be provided at a crowded corners. Before the Royal 3 Exchange in London there pass an average of 7201 motor and horse 'buses and 1 9,549 other vehicles in 3 tho twelve hours of every business day. This would never be possible if j the cars which now pass through the I subway were on the level of the street. I P/0'0t0!0IQI0t0?0t0?0101310 ! Tit/ I _ THl 2 ?\ Road to Gr^ : o i - ?? o i ? , By Dorothea O J Author of "Georgia," "Tht 2 o ? Copyrioht. 100S,hy J. B- L1PPIXCOTT 2 +? ? ? ??+ O I OI O l"o I o ! O IO IO IO IO l O IO IO I o CHAPTER II. 4 r< Continued. g "Ugh!" Tormentilla made a face, but the dejected grace of Audrey's attitude reproached her. Here was a si fine opportunity to help two lovers to d happiness, and all girls were silly in tl one way or another, she supposed. c< She must overlook such trifling im- ss perfections as these. If It was not a going to be an easy task to override w these maidenly prejudices, why, so h much the better. The more obstacles <j in the path, the better was the thing worth doing. vi She got on her bicycle in high spir- C1 Its and rode home. u Young Mrs. Sandring, wandering ti disconsolately round her beautiful garden the same afternoon, was a thinking very much of these two; of Audrey's sudden affection for the a i pinafore girl, as she called Tormen- e j tilla, and of poor Michael Kenwor- <j i thy's hopeless love affairs. She had n ! heard a great deal of those love afj fairs, and the young man so obviqusly e; preferred now to spend his time talk- h I ing them over with her, instead of n j trying to get work, or even to see the s; ; beloved object, that she was growing {j uneasy. She had, in fact, begged her 0 husband that very afternoon to take her away for a holiday. She was <j beginning to think it would be wise. a It was because she loved her husband C( j and wished to prevent annoyance to f< I Him, ratner man irom me widu tu a j spare another person pain and humil! iation, that she wanted to go away, w j but it was no good. She had tried 0 j and failed. Things must go on and w take their chance. Afterwards, if y, there should be a row, it would be a great comfort to feel that she had? u for once?done her best to prevent ^ it. It was in this pleasant state of t] j mind that Michael Kenworthy found j her at six o'clock when he came in n to talk about Audrey. She smiled at ^ i him, however, with a smile which fj ! completely transfigured her sulky lit- tl j tie face, and Michael began to cheer j : up at once. j] His eyes were luminous as he r( | looked at her. She had been so kind ^ I to him. Hour after hour she naa j listened to his ravings about Audrey; i had sympathized with his poverty, | calmed his jealous fears, prophesied | the best, and, of course, he was fond j of her. He ought to be, but she b I couldn't help feeling that a moment K had almost come when their friend- ^ ship should be weakened by absence, n and now Jack had refused to take j her away. " ^ | "Where is Audrey to-day?" she b j asked. 0 I Young Kenworthy was a fair, clean w j shaven youth of twenty-four or so. Ir ! His enemies said he was a rolling a ! stone, and his friends that he was 6< wanting in application. As for his n prospects, Audrey's cruel parents had 11 found them quite invisible to the c< naked eye, and, taking an antiquated a and prejudiced view, had forbidden even an engagement. *c "What is Audrey doing to-day?" w Lise asked kindly. 11 "I don't know," the young man re- P plie.d sadly. "I never see her now, b j unless I meet her here. And there's your confounded brother-in-law? i beg your pardon, but you don't like S1 ! him either, do you?" C1 "Yes, I do," said Lise sharply. ! "Of course I am fond of Jack's, only B I brother. You mustn't say such ex- ^ j traordiharily incorrect things about ? 1 me. And if Audrey loves you, Nigel's j existence doesn't much matter, does n I it? I don't think Audreyflikes his S( ; curious habits and the way he?well, i she's a little tiny bit of a gourmande, a | isn't she? It's in the family, rather, and?" ' i "She has a fairylike appetite," Mi- G chael said quickly, for it was a trait { he had much admired in her. j "Yes, of course"?Lise smiled a S ! little. "That's just it, and it has to ^ be tempted. Michael, honestly, do ei I you think any one's fairylike appetite ^ i would be tempted by the things Nigel eats? Braised spinach and carrot S cutlets and curious imitations of meat j of all sorts. Can you really be jeal- t< ous of him when you think of him as A! ' a man who calls you 'dear lady,' and wears sandals?" ri "He doesn't call me 'dear lady,' " a sniri Mirhael warmly. "And I'd like ei i Ko see him do it." d i "He is prosperous, of course," she c< ! went on in slighting tones, "but he t< , doesn't spencl his money. How can b ' an all-wooler and a vegetarian enjoy u , l?fe? They can't. They're too busy I' i counting the times they mastfcate a I their dreadful foods to enjoy their k meals. And they wouldn't let their a wives dress in the delightful way Audrey does, because they have theor- p j ies about women's clothing. Awful si ! rational theories, you know, and balls ir and theatres are taboced because of n | the exhausted air, and artificiality of t) ' Lhe pleasure they give. Such dancing [ as Nigel approves of must be taken ci | under 'God's blue sky,' illumined by p I the twinkling candelabra of the tl . Vii?ccort ctar? Nisrpl often savs so. t< i Imagine it! If you've ever danced on j a well-rolled lawn, you'll be able to " ) guess what the kind of field-dancing a I Nigel would approve 0f is like. And ? j in sandals, of course. Fancy Audrey w : giving up her Louis heels and her ii nineteen-inch waist. Oh, I am sure, quite sure, you haven't the slightest u reason to be jealous of Nigel." Michael laughed, then sighed. f< "You're very comforting, Mrs. si Standring. You always manage to L cheer me up, tut you won't mind my saying that !? I really have no ti grounds for jealousy, I'd rather it ci was because she cared for me than because she disapproved of his infer- T nal Mother Goose habits. Of course si any girl would rather marry a man k than a Miss Nancy?it's only human e nature?but I wish Audrey's only ii^9L91.9'<?IP!0l9|gl9i!SL'<> ]"< r? j| S itna Green *1 (> t o * r, "Deakin, ? w ' 0 t Wishing Ring," Etc. * ? ^ <> 0 COMPACT. All rights reserved. / ? g) E5555555?55?t5?????F 1010101016I61616I616I010 n jason for refusing him was because le couldn't find it in her heart to ^ ive up me." j, Lise sighed. a "You ask too much of any woman," ' lid she. "There are always a hun- Q red reasons for and against every- ? ling. I am sure this is much too p Dmplex an age, in spite of what Nigel 0 lys about the simple life, to allow y gir! to make an important decision s, hich might influence her whole life's ^ appiness, for an old-fashioned, hum- _ rum reason like that." j( "You aren't like that," said he,, ^ atching with his clear gray eyes the s< hanging expression of her animated n ice, and the- quick, expressive ges- b ires of her little brown hands. _ Lise raised her darK eyeorows wuu jj curious little smile. : "No?" she said. "My dear boy, I m more complex than anything you ^ per dreamt of or imagined. I never j, id anything from a simple honest t] lotive in all my life." n "I sometimes think," said Michael t] arnestly, "that you aren't very s appy. It doesn't seem quite fair. : is too bad that you, who are so 0 pmpathe'tic, should be so much alone ^ 1 your own 'life. I never met any ^ ne before who understood me as you o. Even Audrey does not quite un- ^ erstand the deeper side of my char- ' cter. Until I met you?oh, if I g 3uld only make some return to you j. )r your perfect sympathy. I am v fraid Standring isn't worthy of you." ^ Lise, who had been leaning back j(< ith a strange little smile hovering ver her lips, fiat up suddenly here, e ith amazed eyes. But the mad g crnth rushed on to his destruction. "I don't think your husband can n nderstand you as I can," said he 0 oldly. -j Lise broke into a sudden sharp lit- t. e laugh. t( "My dear boy," she said, "you e lustn't make remarks about my hus- s and if you wish me to remain your v 'lend. There is no question about 0 le perfect understanding between ^ ack and me. We adore each other. b 1 every single instance thsit I can jmember since we were married, we ^ ave thought as one." CHAPTER III. p s "Charming, isn't she?" miss Cot- u >n beamed at them over the big pale * lue bow of chiffon at her throat. c ler large, sheep-like face shone with s usual expression of cheerful sad- 8 ess. "I always think it such a pity," ^ le said gently, "that Mrs. Standring r oes not live happily with her hus- P and. My housemaid, who is a cousin * f her cook, tells me that they have ' ords constantly. Her temper is c tost passionate, and he is a remark- 0 bly amiable, man. But, then, she is ) elegant. I always think Mrs. Jack v lost elegant. It'3 a pity that young len fall in love with her so?so in- s r jBsantly, though, isn't it?- Beauty is v Iways such a snare." v "Young men always have fallen In ^ >ve with lovely face*"?Tonflentilla 1( is sitting by the open window,' look- ^ ig at the dark woods beyond the l! ark, and she bv.rst in here with a itterness straight from her heart? 8 and always will." "Ah, yes!" Miss Cotton sighed and v noothed her chiffon. "And Time is s ruel to youthful loveliness. I always 1 aink Time is so cruel, don't you? f at it's extremely trying for her hus- 1 und, and I am sure one of her own s reat troubles, though I sometimes link that if she wasn't quite so causing in her manner to the other !X, it would be wiser. 'My dear bey,' >r instance. I always found it so ^ angerou3 to call a young man 'my b sar boy,' haven't you?" j t "I have never tried It," replied b reenie coldly. o "Of course, if he is really a boy," 8 le visitor pursued, "be merely re- b ards it as an insult. But wnen a u ttle older? And young men are so e asily influenced, and they are so sure e ) suffer for it. Inevitable, isn't it?" a "I expect it does them a lot of b ood." . ' b Tormentilla was getting more in- 0 jrested in the conversation than r [iss Green liked. ? "Yes, that's what she thinks. She sgards her influence as chastening nd a necessary part of a young man's Jucation, but her husband naturally *! oesn't see it in the same light. Of h surse he knows his wife is devoted v ) him, there's no doubt about that, e ut he doesn't like to see any one P nhappy?such a sweet trait in him, e ve frequently thought. 'The candle c nd the moth' is what he calls the & ind of situation which is constantly a rising." s "Tormentilla," said Miss Green t ersuasively, "I've left the darkest 1 tiacle of the mauve filoselle upstairs t i my bedroom. Might I trouble you, ly dear? Your legs are younger aan mine." "Yes, Greenie, but it's under your a hair. You've just dropped it en pur- n ose, haven't you? I don't suppose i: here's a word of it true, Miss Cot- o jns, is there?" "Cotton," amended that lady sadly, a You are so frant, aren't you? I y Iwaya admire frankness in the o oung. So fearless and free. And y -hat a fortunate thing that the fam- f y are not at home!" j I] "The family?" Miss Green looked i p still more surprised. t "The Earl and Countess. How nice j 3r you to have this charming man-1 i ion as a home! Very fortunate that, ji ,ord Malinder is away, I call it." t "Yes, it is, rather," said Tormen- u ilia quietly, with a side glance at the v onfused Greenie. But after their visitor had gone, ormentilla relapsed into thoughtful u ilence, and Miss Green became anx- Ii >us. The girl rose at last and hunt- n d for her straw hat. ' r "I'm going out," she said briskly, ti MMMMMHHMMaaMMHaMMnMMMMMHMI io return Mrs. Standring's call. Tou Eedn't come. I rather want to see ?:r alone. I am interested in her, cid I want to form an unbiased pinion." "But, Sandy?" "Tormentilla," suggested the girl. "Do you think you ought to hobnob ith Tom, Dick, and Harry in this ay? Your mother?" "It's fortunate for me that mother n't here." Tormentilla's mischievjs smile was not particularly reaslring. "I know you won't go if I ask you ot to," Miss Green went on persuasely, but quite without conviction. "And I know you won't be so unind as to ask me not to, when I'm jst beginning to follow your advice nd take an unselfish interest in othrs ? will you? One mustn't think nly of oneself, Greenie, you see. .nd I'm quite capable of forming a roper judgment for myself. You ften told me so. And you admire [rs. Standring tremendously. You've a.id so from the very beginning, otto-n't -crni? Mr. Standring's got a v J w*. . ?? _ lOBt interesting brother, who is in )ve with Audrey. Her parents want er to marry him, but he lives the fmple life and wears sandals. I've ever met any one who lived on nuts efore?except at the Zoo, of course -and I'm keenly anxious to see im." She hastily put on her hat without >oking at a glass and swung out of he room with her usual free and boy>h stride. Miss Green made no furtier suggestion, and, indeed, dared ot. She was honestly too glad, after heir winter together of tears and depair, to find that the girl was cheerig up, and taking any interest in the utside. world, to mind very much rhat steps she took to drive away er trouble. And Tormentilla went out through he big hall, past the ghostly shroudd armor, and down a passage to a ide door leading onto the terrace, f "the family" had been at home, the eranda would have been gay with right rugs, and chairs, and dozens of irge, soft cushions. Now there were wo chairs, hers and Greenie's, and ven a tea-table, but it wasn't very ay. Tormentilla sighed as a sudden aemory of another veranda, in anther county, clutched at her heart, 'hat was the worst of her kind of rouble. Everything you saw or Duched, every other word you heard, very smell even?the roses and weet peas?the stables where there ras only Gray Poll eating her head ff and getting fat, the sweet-briar ush at the corner of tho perennial order, the freshly cut hay?everyhing brought a memory to stab you Ike a wicked little knife. "The country's even worse than ,ondon in some ways," she said, as he ran down the terrace stepa to the pper lawn. "If only I could have ept out of their way, things would ertainly have been easier in town." She ran down a second flight of teps. The lower lawn was bordered y the wide rose walk which led diectly into the bluebell copse and the ark Itself. It was not a legitimate ray to the high-road, but all ways *ere legitimate to her, and she limbed the littlo fence at the end f the copse gaily. A gardener talkag to a keeper in the distance matched her disapprovingly. "Privileged, she is," the keeper aid. "The Dora kdowb nuj. Ilimbin' hedges with a decent gate rtthin hearing, as she do! Mr. Crimes 'e says let her be, an' I am sttin* 'er. But the way she's been rought up's something shockin'. It 5 that." "Aye," said the gardener. "In the ardens it's the same thing. Pullin' he roses off in her brainless female /ay, instead of bringin' a pair of cissors or askin' me for my knife, 'readin' on the beds all over. 'Take ,o notice of 'er,' says McGregor; she's to do as she likes.' Lord! It's omething chronic." To be continued. Feeding the Pnppies. Miss M.?Tip feeds pups four or ve times a day, mostly stale bread oaked in milk or gravy. Now and hen a little finely chopped meat with roken puppy biscuit. As they grow Ider knock off meals, until when ;rown they have but two a day? iscuits soaked in gravy in the mornag and biscuits with meat and vegtables in the evening. Plenty of exrcise and fresh air. Do not bother bout powders to which you refer, ut take it to a "vet." It will beiave itself in time if you allow it utside as much as possible ana curect as you have done.?New York 'ress. Cause of Temperance. "The cause of temperance is wcricQg great headway in Norway. Wo lave adopted the local option policy /ith excellent rcsulto," said P. Annsen, a manufacturer of white paer, from Skien, Norway. "Whcnevr the people of a certain district or ounty wish to abolish drinking louses an election Is held, at which ,11 adult males in that territory are upposod to vote. If any arc absent heir votes are counted for prohibiion. Another election cannot be leld until after five years." Didn't Know the Family. Six-year-old Billie had beea sent way from the table for misbehavior nd was sitting crestfallen on a chair n an adjoining room when the maid ntered. Upon spying him sho said:i Oh, Billie, I'd be ashamed to be sent way from the table; as big a boy as ou are, too." Billie, with Hashing yes, drow himself up, raying: ' Well, ou wouldn't if you'd known inia amily as loni as I have."?The Deineator. TIio Drawback. " 'Some acquire fame,' " quoted tha hilosophcr of Folly, " 'some achie\*s t, and some hare it thrust upon hem.' Eut those who havo it thrust pon them celdom know what to do ,'ith it." Tobacco was aucccssfully grown nder Government supervision in reland last year, but as the crop haa at yet been marketed the financial asult will not he known for soma .me. THE WASTE OP PAPER. One of the Most Culpable and Needless of American ExtravagancesAnother means of saving the for' ests presents itself in the stopping of paper waste. There is no more culpable and needless American extravagance than that involved in the littering of all inhabited areas of the continent with fragments of disused paper, which, gathered together, ; might be made over into more paper or otherwise utilized to commercial advantage. The city of Buffalo gets a smalt revenue from waste paper by j generating steam at its incinerting, plant, thus converting the waste into power. In Cleveland better results are obtained. A late report of the method adopted in that city says: j "We now have approximately twenty thousand bags which we ,use for i the collection of papers. Each householder Is provided with one, and once each week our collector calls to empty the same. The paper is hauled to a central baling station and baled ' ready for shipment. I "The present administration has caused the papers to be baled by the workhouse prisoners, and the cost of collecting and baling, according to j the statement made to me by the Di: rector of Public Works, is $5 a ton. | j The papers are sold on contract flo the highest bidder, and the last con: tract was made for $9.40 t ton. "The advantage of Cleveland's system is that the expense of sorting j the paper waste from the other re fuse is avoided, and the technical difi ficulty of grading the waste papers * ? - * 111? Al> -Jtin p 1 is overcome oy sexnug mem juot a* they come to paper stock dealers.? Philadelphia Record. A Hard Heart. Judge Ben B. Lindsey, of the fa: mous Denver Juvenile Court, said in ' the course of a recent address on charity: . I "Too many of us are inclined to j think that, one misstep made, the boy ' j Is gone for good. Too many of us 1 are like the cowboy: J "An itinerant preacher preached to i a cowboy audience on the 'Prodigal j Son.' Pie described the foolish prodigal's extravagance ^nd dissipation; he described his penury and his husk eating with the swine in the sty; he ! described his return, his father's lovi ing welcome, the rejoicing, and the 1 ' preparation or tne rattea can. j "The preacher in his discourse no1 , ticed a cowboy staring at him very . hard. He thought he had nftde a convert, and addressing the cowboy personally, he said from the pulpit: ' j " 'My dear friend, what would yon , have done if you had had a prodigal j son returning home like that?' I " 'Me?' said the cowboy, promptly and fiercely, 'I'd have shot the boy 1 , and raised the calf.' "?Detroit Free Press. Advantages of Trvins. I Bobby had been unusually quiet for several hours?so quiet, how' ever, that his mother began to worry over the great quantities of stillness that came from the room in which he was sitting. Finally, unable to stand the strain, any longer, she rose up j from her work and went into the 1 nursery. I "What are you doing, Bobby?" she j tv?"mtt 1p rhan i I SH.1U, as BUC uiowiciw ..iv ... w I curled up in a chair with a very sol- i , emn expression on his face. I "Thinkin* and wishin'," replied I , Bobby. I "What about, dear?" asked his I . mother. j "I was thinkin' how nice it would , be if I was twins," he answered, i 1 | "Then the other one could do the | , studyin' at school and I could stay i ; home and play; and then, when I I . did something naughty, why, you , ! could spank him., When I was sick he could take the castor oil and?" i ! "And when you had some candy, what then?" asked his mother. | "Oh, I'd eat it," said Bobby. "It i wouldn't do for me to let him get J ?ick."?Judge's Library. ' j The Chief Crime. The minister's class at the Kirk ot j Tobermory had been reading the i . story of Joseph and his brethren, J and the minister was asking the boys | | : a few questions in review. Their re- J plies had all been quick, concise and , correct, such as: i "What great crime did these sons | , of Jacob commit?" j "They sold their brother Joseph." j ' 1 "Quite correct. And for how much j Cid they sell him?" [ I "Twenty pieces of silver." . ! "And what added to the cruelty and wickedness of these brothers?" I A pause. "What made their treach- 1 ! ery even more detestable and hein- j ous?" * * TJin-hlcjrirlor 1 Tfien a Dngm nine , stretched out an eager hand. I ; "Well, my man?" I "Please sir, they selt him ower j cheap."?The Housekeeper. , j Skeptical Ben. | | i Lady Cook (she was the beautiful , and clever Tennessee Claflin before her marriage) told a New York re. porter the other day that American women, under the new English king, would not be so popular as they were i under King Edward. ! "Kinir Edward liked Americans," | I ^ ? i she said; "but King George's wife is j very aristocratic and exclusive, and I , ; am as skeptical of the American wo- | man's future in London as Franklin J ' . was of matrimony. J " 'He that takes; a wife,' said Franklin skeptically, 'takes care.' ' Then he added, more skeptically i . still: { " 'But he that takes care doesn't | take a wife.' "?Washington Star. j City Editor's Joke. I "Covering a story'" is ?i newspaper j I expression with a wide range of j Tannine. The other afternoon a ; I facetious city editor stretched it a j bit. "Mr. Jinks," he said to one J oT his reporters, "some one down on ! street has just been seriously I hurt by falling into an open manj bole; will you go down and cover it?" j New Mexico produced 2,4 07,907 short tons; of coal last year, a decrease | of ? trifle more than six per cent, from | the output of 19U7. j The Subjunctive MocxJ. If all the suffragettes in the world -were one big suffragette, ? And all the mice that ever were bora were one big mouse?you bet? And all the anguished cries in the world were gathered in one big peal," And if that mouse ran after that ladywould that lady squeal? ?New York Evening Sarin Card Table Parlance. "He placed his hand and fortune at my disposal," said Miss Bridgeton. "Signifying, I suppose," replied Miss Cayenne, "that he is willing te play 'dummy' for the rest of his life." ?Washington Star. Generous Mendacity. "Your thermometer is wholly In- \ correct. It registers ten degrees less than the actual temperature." "That's why I like it. I dread ^ these fearfully candid friends."? Washington Star. Spring Training. She is said to he the most accomplished flirt at the hotel." "Well, she got a start on the other 1 girls. She went to Palm Beach in March for preliminary practice."?* Louisville Courier-Journal. ' Just Pretending. Moraine?"Your basketball club hasn't reported any broken bones lately." I Natlca?"No. We voted out all the girls who wanted to-play for exercise."?Brooklyn Eagle. Love Finds a Way. . t She?"So Jack Is married. Why, I didn't think he eould raise enough to pay the minister." ' .. . He?"Oh, he found one who would. take a dollar down and fifty cents a. .month."?Boston Transcript.'. Complicated Economics. "Why did your cook leave?" "She said our family was too small," replied Mrs. Crosslota. , "Too small?" , * tT7? rvmrlrAf fr\i? ATlAHirK 1CO* ,VC U1UU V ****** V people to feed her family, even If we went without eating ourselves."? Washington Star. . ' A Distinction. "A man must have self-confidence in order to succeed," said the ener- ' getic statesman, "and I have at least self-confidence." "Are you sure," inquired Miss Cayenne, "that it is self^confiddpce and not thoughtless credulity?"? Washington Star. Unsatisfactory Results. "I sometimes wish I hadn't taken so much pains about saving the pennies," said the thrifty man. "Wasn't the practice profitable?" "Not when you consider the time and postage I have spent trying to find out if the dates on the coins gave them any value."?Washington Star. . After the Wedding. "The bride fainted and had to be ^ supported during the rest of the cere- H mony by her father." "Yes. and I'll bet he's now support- S ing bom of them."?New York Tele- I gram. H Methods of Calculation. I "Scientists are not usually sue- S cessful business men." "No. They think they are doing H very well if they come within a few hundred thousand miles of the exact measurement. You can't figure on I dollars that way if you are doing I business with a bank."?Washington I Star. I Praise. 0 "Von remember the picture yon H saw me at work on?" said the paint- jH cr. m "Yes," replied Mr. Dustin Stax. BS "It was real art." H "I sold it for five thousand dol- H Jars." . "That was genius."?Washington ffl Sfar. jfl Good Reasons. H "You mean to tell me that the Van H Duysens wrote their son to come Hi home at once with his bride when H they found he had eloped with the 9 cook?" H "That's what they did." H "Consented to a marriage like "But, my dear, you don't know. how hard it is to keep a cook in this nfl place."?New York Journal. Hi