The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, August 19, 2004, Page A12, Image 12
-JL
Confidence is good, wit better
■ USC males should
take heed from me, the
campus loser king
A few hundred girls stood
outside the Russell House on
Wednesday — some stunning,
some paralyzing and some dressed
like upscale call girls. Of course, 1
happened to be drenched in sweat
and breathing like Darth Vader
after jogging through the armpit of
the South. The crowd parted to
avoid my eternal stench.
Somewhere, in some part of my
mind, 1 remembered that nothing is
less attractive than a boy emitting
steam lines a la Pepe Le Pew.
I haven’t seen many girls this
summer at USC, and now my mind
is on overload. Now there’s too
many fish in the sea. Throw them
all back! Sometimes, too many
options is a bad thing.
With new students come new
fellow males, ready to hunt for fresh
meat. This is a message to all the
incoming first-year students: I’m the
loser king of USC, and no one’s
going to take my crown in the game
of female rejection. I’ve already
staked my claim on the title in a
previous issue of The Gamecock.
It’s time to reassert myself.
Geeks far and wide praise me as
the Anti-Player, the No-Ladies
Man, the Chick-less Wonder. You
might also know me as the Eternal
Chump,
Dinner-for
One, Estrogen
Repellent or
the Virgin
General. My
followers call
me Mr.
Haren, and
STEVEN then 1 yell at
VAN them and say,
UADCM “My last name
HAKblM is Van Haren
THIRD-YEAR y°u cretin. It’s
MECHANICAL pronounced
ENGINEERING y
STUDENT
Halen, but
with an r.” Then 1 whisper with
severity, “It’s Dutch.”
Come on - look at my columnist
mug. I know I’m no David
Schwimmer, but at least I’m not
Roger Waters (the ugliest man in
rock ‘n’ roll history).
When I’m interested in someone
and emotions are blooming like a
daisy, I invariably say something
ridiculous, blasphemous or
downright filthy, and the blooming
daisy turns into a face-hugger pod
peeling open in “Alien.” Example:
If the girl in question is Catholic, I
make a joke about the Pope’s
senility, and then cackle wildly in
the second before her heel hits my
crotch. If her sainted mother is a
blonde, I spew out a stream of
rapid-fire blonde jokes in ascending
order from tame to raunchy, never
knowing her fist is coiling up for a
right hook. If she’s a Communist, I
make a clumsy crack comparing
Vladimir Lenin and John Lennon.
Basically, my foot has been in my
mouth for quite some time, and it
hurts like hell when I become a
crackpot before someone’s very
eyes.
But despite all of my
shortcomings, I have more game
than some guys on campus. I’m
talking about the president of the
Parcheesi club, the Zipsheet guys
and date rapists. (For all the first
year date rapists reading this
column, please come to The
Gamecock office on the third floor
of the Russell House for a bamboo
caning, you pathetic jackasses, you.
We also validate your parking
while you wait in line for hell).
I hear confidence is a good
quality to have. Yep, that’s true,
but even as I reign as loser king,
I’ve learned a few things through
experience with the female species:
Confidence is good, but wit is
better. Opening doors for her is
good, but slamming doors on
Zipsheet drones is better.
Guys, just be decent to USC
women. They smell better than us,
look better than us, and keep us
rational and insane at the same
time. I am the Chick-less Wonder,
and these are my words of
wisdom.
Troop redepolyment grand idea
■ Soldiers in Germany
and in the Korean DMZ
should come home
If you saw the headlines the
past few days, you more than
likely came across news that
caught your eye.
“President Bush announces
plan to bring 70,000 troops
home.”
Before you think that the war in
Iraq suddenly became that easy,
read a little bit further. The troops
are coming home from that
caldron of armed conflict known as
Europe, in addition to a few Asian
bases such as the DMZ in Korea.
These troops are part of
contingents that have been
stationed in Europe for almost 60
years and in Korea for over 50.
Bringing these troops home
now not only makes sense from
the national defense aspect, but
from an economic aspect as well.
Since Germany is the nation in
which most of these troops are
based, countless millions of
government dollars are pumped
into the German economy because
of the presence of our troops.
When these deployments were
made, the Third Reich had just
been defeated and Soviet Russia
stood towering over the western
European democracies. Now,
Europe has begun a process of
economic unification that will
rival the United States for the
largest world economy. In
addition, Russia is now a
democratic country with ever
strengthening ties to Western
Europe. The conditions that
made a strong American military
presence in Europe necessary in
the middle of the twentieth
century have largely evaporated
with the animosity of the Cold
War. And even with the departure
of thousands
of troops, we
are not
leaving
completely.
The large,
unwieldy
divisions that
leave Europe
will be
JUSTIN replaced with
SIMMONS smaller’ fast“
units that will
FOURTH-YEAR strengthen
POLITICAL our ability to
SCIENCE ,
STUDENT respond to
national
security
threats across the globe. Bringing
these troops home will not only
decrease our military commitment
overseas, but will increase the
number of troops available for
deployment in other areas where
they are needed, relieving much of
the burden that has been placed
on the rest of the military.
In addition to the reasons for
bringing these troops home from
a military staging viewpoint, there
are also economic advantages to
having these troops back in the
United States. The troop
movement back home means that
jobs at military bases will be
saved, with even more jobs
created. And while a
Congressional Budget Office
report states that the move will
cost $7 billion up front, it also
quotes the savings in the annual
defense budget at more than $1
billion dollars.
John Kerry has said that the
redeployment could damage our
relations with allies, but I fail to his
logic. Any ally that takes offense to
us redeploying our troops back
onto American soil can take a long
walk off a short pier. And the
argument that redeploying our
troops from Korea is a reward to
the North Koreans is bogus as well.
The amount of troops stationed in
the DMZ is not enough to
constitute an offensive threat to
North Korea, so removing them is
not causing the communist
government in the north to breathe
easier. At most, we are removing a
speed bump in the path of a
northern invasion of South Korea,
which is now highly unlikely
anyway.
Besides the military and
economic reasoning, we must not ^B
fail to realize what is possibly the ^P
best outcome of all. Our troops
are coming home. I fail to see how
this could be a bad thing.
President’s Report shows best years are yet to come for Carolina
■ Construction,
academics and funding
lay positive groundwork
As this new academic year
begins 1 find myself excited, and
it’s not just because Gamecock
football is around the corner.
While many of us were still
packing for the return or first
time arrival to Columbia,
Sorensen released his President’s
Report. Before you turn to the
next column, hear me out. What
RYAN
HOLT
SECOND-YEAR
POLITICAL
SCIENCE
STUDENT
may seem like
the bureaucratic
operation of the
university
administration
is in reality the
key to the
future success
of our
institution.
President
Sorensen’s
report details
the milestones
of the 2003
2004 school year and reveals that
we not only avoided a dip in
success, but soared far above the
stagnancy in which many
universities reside. I have pulled
three facets of Sorensen’s report
and will explain their importance
to the future of our university.
First, one of the constant
changes to our university comes in
the physical structure of our
campus. Thirteen million dollars
were invested in last year’s
renovations of the Russell House,
and Sodexho dining services will
continue to rearrange and add
features to the Grand Market
Place.
Last year, construction began
on the new Arnold School of
Public Health, which marks the
start of 5 million square feet of
research campus that will be
added to USC in the coming
years.
Second, with the passing of
every year, USC finds itself
improving in the academic caliber
of its student body. The previous
year, the SAT scores for entering
freshmen were 15 points higher
than the year before. Millions of
dollars in scholarships have also
been garnered by entering
students, in addition to the grants
earned by grad students for post
graduate work.
Third, at least in the world of
higher education, money makes
the world go ‘round. More money
means more opportunity, and on
many occasions, lowers tuition.
The President’s Report notes
that the university procured $131
million in research funding as well
as $53 million in private
donations. Alumna Darla Moore’s
$45 million gift will allow for
expanded success in the Moore
Business School.
These are just three examples of
exciting occurrences at USC. The
last year has seen further success in
mergers, reconstruction and
increased academic ratings.
So next time you survey the
fruitful expansion of your
university, remember that many
rewards are still yet to come.
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