Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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This Week in USC’s Future April 30, 9999 — The University of South Carolina is FINALLY admitted into the AAU. Students could not care less. Monday, April 30, 2001 Point/Counterpoint Who's your baby's daddy? All semester long, we have waited for an excuse to plaster Ben Affleck and Shawn Fanning across the Spotlight page. Here goes. Meet our Babies' Daddies No. 1. BY THE FUTURE MRS. AFFLECK The Gamecock I have a secret. I have promised my first born child to Ben Affleck. In fact, I have a list of “Babies’ Daddies.” But Ben will always be No. 1. He’s got the chiseled jaw, the tweakable nipples, the rippling biceps, the sexy chest. But above all else, the man is straight-up lickable. Besides that, of course, Ben has straight teeth. There’s no worse turn-off than crooked, snaggly teeth. Somebody who has invested in taking care of his pearly whites definitely scores on the hunkalicious boy-toy list. Okay, so many of you have been saying my Baby’s Daddy No. 1 is gay. You’re just jealous, or bitter, or something in between. Ben is nothing less than dead sexjf! Armageddon might have been just one more of Hollywood’s self-indulgent blockbusters. A big rock hurtles toward Earth while Ben dances animal crackers across Liv Tyler’s breasts. But you have to admit, Ben did save the world. He deserves mad props. It must have been something about the orange jumpsuit... but that movie made my man mainstream. Before that, of course, he was in such fine films as Chasing Amy and Mallrats. And forget all that Matt Damon bullshit — Good Will Hunting was all about Ben, hands down. finally, Ben proves his ultimate masculinity in Dogma. He’s a nose-diving, avenging angel who tries to wipe out humanity and enter the gates of heaven by default. What a man, even if he is covered in human blood. But beyond his “prestigious” filmography, Ben should be everyone’s Baby’s Daddy No. 1 because he’s just that cool. He’s not an obnoxious guy with a last name like “Fanning”—a computer nerd who spends liis time bitching and moaning to the Supreme Court about his software. And I do emphasize sodware. gjjHgmjgSli$teck, on the other hand, is all hard, throbbing male. He probably even smells good. And he smokes Camel Lights and has a tattoo, so he has that “badass” edge all women seem to want. So, everyone should put Ben Affleck on their lists of Babies’ Daddies. He’s a studmuffin, steam and all. Plus, he’s got a younger brother. What a family tree to climb on. BY THE FUTURE MRS. FANNING The Gamecock I have a secret. Ben Affleck is a pansy. Why promise your first-born to a pretty boy like Mr. Affleck when you be with a renegade with some substance: Shawn Fanning. Fanning has that innocent, boy-next-door appeal that puts Ben Affleck to shame. Ben Affleck is no more than an airbrushed excuse for what is considered attractive by today’s pop culture standards. Fanning, on the other hand, is a real man. I don’t know anyone besides Shawn Fanning who could have found a way to draw millions of college girls to his Web site to download his software, which I’m sure could become hardware in the right handf. He’s a swashbuckling pirate. .-ri I always had this fantasy about pirates, where they take me on their boat and make me walk the plank right before... well. I’ll just stop there. But what I’m getting at is that Shawn Fanning has revolutionized the world of music with the ability to get pirated music, and for that he will always be my pirate, and my baby’s daddy, too. Shawn Fafining has brawn and brains. Not to mention the balls to stand up for his rights in court. I don’t think Ben Affleck even knows what a computer is. My baby deserves a better daddy than that. I have high standards for my Babies’ Daddies, and Ben Affleck just doesn’t do it for me. My baby needs a daddy who can kick anybody in the nuts, and Shawn Fanning is the only man for that. Of course, Michael Ronquillo puts both Shawn Fanning and Ben Affleck to shame. Ronquillo is our special Spothght photographer, but he is also our hero. We bow down to you, Ronquillo, and promise you any babies you want. —Spotlight Princesses Before haircut, circa 1974 Next Board Wars stars USC faculty by The Goat The Gamecock | R E V I E W~ MOVIE: Board Wars: Episode II STARRING: Brock Vergakis, Tea Brewer, Scroo D. Bord, V. Prez, Jerry Mathers as “The Beav” GRADE: ☆☆☆☆☆ out of ☆☆☆☆☆ What if you issued a reprimand and nobody gave a damn? That’s the premise of Board Wars, a new movie from LoogiefiJms Ltd. appearing in theaters Monday. In the movie, Qui Gonn Jindorsements (skillfully played by Brock Veigakis) squares off against Darth Tool (Tea Brewer) in a fight to save young Editorialkin Freewalker (Scroo D. Bord). Tool sets off to reprimand Jindorsements and kill Freewalker after The Gamecock, a sliip piloted by Jindorsements, attacks the kingdom of Queen Censordine (R. Publccshyr). Both Censordine ;ind Senator Publishtinc (D. Wankers) support Tool’s attempt to kill the two voyagers. One of Censordine’s minions even destroys 1,000 parts of The Gamecock's engine. Board Wars is well done, but some of the chiimctcrs could use some work. Brewer stmgglcs with Tool, a weak chiiractcr made even weaker by his lame dialogue. “I will rcpriniiuid $>u,”Tool says when he has finally cornered Jindorsements near the end of the film. However, the line is so weak that Jindorsements doubles over in laughter. Distracted by his own lack of masculinity. Tool doesn’t see Jindorsements escape. Wankers plays his sinister part well, but he comes across as too unbelievably shady. Most of the actors play their parts well, especially Vergakis ;uid Bord, who convincingly pulls off the part of a 1 -year-old already fighting for his life. But the moyic is a great way to spend the afternoon, cvcn%thc script comes up lacking. Brocklie’s Angels delivers action, camaraderie, fantasy BY BROCKLIE The Gamecock | R E V I E W MOVIE: Brocklie’s Angels STARRING: Ann Marie Barrymore, Martha Diaz, Mackenzie Liu, Brad Murray GRADE: ☆☆☆☆☆ out of ☆☆☆☆☆ Brocklie's Angels, which opened this past Friday, delivered male fantasies, excellent special effects and a nostalgic feeling. As if to set the mood for Brocklie’s Angels fans and keep the movie from having a serious crime fighting plot, Director Joseph McGinty Nichol (aka McG) self-parodies movies made from popular ‘70s television series, setting the tone for the more unbelievable parts of the film. Actresses Martha Wright, Mackenzie Clements and Ann Marie Miani worked well together by offsetting each other’s character extremes. Their collaboration with comedy king Bntd Wilters brought comic relief through Bosley’s bumbling, “suave” slvlp While the female stars helped create an idea of women conquering the world and the trials of maintaining the secret identity of a crime-fighter, Walter’s buffers their actions with his “polished charm” of being a ladies man ;uid his character’s complete lack of sophistication. Interestingly, the movie didn’t come across as a heavy action-shooting movie, because the girls never use guns as their method of fighting. This dangerous instead trio instead opts for slicks, chairs, chains mid good-old-fashioned lists mid legs. The film was more of a mix of martial arts fighting style mccls three immaculately mid stylishly dressed women who can dodge bullets, break into heavily annc^J companies mid crash top-notch parlies bclore Because of Miani’s opposition to guns, the newest group of Brocklie’s Angels (Mackenzie Clements, Martha Wright, and Ann Marie Miani) opt for a martial arts style of crime fighting. going for take-out. While the stunts in the movie were appealing to the eye, a hint of The Matrix was infused in the slow-moving bullet scenes along with slow motion fighting and freeze frame action scenes. The fight scenes were also a bit unbelievable at tunes, something that always seems to occur in action movies, but the movie’s atmosphere doesn’t suggest reality, anyway. Audiences will be more impressed if they simply try not to question some of the action. The movie definitely promotes a feminist ideal of these three legendary cleavage-showing superheroes saving the planet from evil and corporation bad guys. However, McG also manages to appeal to a broader audience with the witty humor from the girls. varying ironi me mu vote ol wrignt s cnaracter Natalie, the authoritative aura of Clements’ portrayal of Alex in mostly black leather outfits and Miani’s rebellious appearance as Dylan, the girls represent wide scopes of personality traits to appeal to the female audience. Fiuis of the popular 1970s television scries mid those who have never seen ;ui episode c;ut enjoy the balance of the characters and the easy-to-follow plot of the Angels getting mi assignment mid having to save the day before they emi party. i ‘ . What’s Happening Monday, April 30 Ann Marie’s Place: Beatles night, featuring Special Jell-0 and little naked Pauls Jill’s Place: Mulder Lives party Mackenzie’s Place: Mother Teresa candlelight vigil Brock’s Place: Shanty town hooplah Erinita’s Place: Puerto Rican festival (Bring Puerto Rican flag) Charles’ Place: Homeless gathering of the minds Kyle’s Place: Walnut revue Brandon’s Place: Nine Days marathon, featuring no broken limbs Jason’s Place: Dudley Moore fantasy escapades James’ Place: Let the Battle begin ... Mark's Place: Hanging by a Moment Betsy’s Place: Updating The Gamecock Web site party Travis’ Place: Photo shoot, featuring just one picture Sean’s Place: Jell-0 and midgets Kenley’s Place: Fling kicks-ass party Valerie’s Place: Amihotornot Web site party Brad’s Place: Polynesian party (bring your leis and puppies) Cristy’s Place: Totally 80s Blowout Tuesday, May 1 Mackenzie’s Place: Baby daddy party Erin’s Place: Irish appreciation night Ann Marie’s Place: Beatles Night II, featuring Yellow Submarine and full speed convertibles Brock’s Place: First Amendment party Charles’ Place: Writing cute homeless columns party Jill’s Place: Foo test Kyle’s Place: Coke and crack party Brandon’s Place: Grits buffet Jason’s Place: Funkapalooza party James’ Place: The Battle continues Mark’s Place: Hangin By Another Moment Betsy’s Place: All-night drinking binge Sean’s Race: Midget-Guiness party Kenley’s Place: Fling kicks-ass party Valerie’s Race: Turtle Tug, minus rancid Jell-0 Brad’s Race: Pica-measuring party Crist/s Race: Beach blanket bingo In The News USC students picnic, find lost tiger, not a Clempson student Students who were picnicking Sunday at the University of South Carolina got more of the great outdoors than they bargained for when a wild tiger interrupted their lunch. “We’re just sitting there in the park, eating, and before you know it, this random tiger is approaching us,” said Elizabeth Wilkinson, a USC student. “We all got up and ran. We were pretty much scared shitless.” University officials said the tiger was brought onto campus as part of a stunt show and had been “temporarily misplaced” when the students ran into it. The wild cat was promptly captured. N’Sync, Outkast team up for new single, fans rejoice ORLANDO, Fla. (AP)-N’Sync told audiences Monday that they’ll be getting together with rap group Outkast to produce a new single. Said lead singer J. C. Chavez, “We just want a more soulful sound for this next single, and we think Outkast will help us attain that.” The new single, entitled “Wherever You Are,” will be released sometime in February. At The Cafeterias Monday, April 30 ■ Grand Marketplace: Gross potatoes, carved expectoration, fish-eye stew ■ Roost Gross potatoes, carved expectoration, fish-eye stew ■ Bates: Gross potatoes, carved expectoration, fish-eye stew ■ Patio: Gross potatoes, carved expectoration, fish-eye stew Tuesday, May 1 ■ More of the same.