Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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r _VOL. 94, No. 82 onday April 30, 2001 _ * WHO KNEW? Nezv Quad found under reflecting pool Residents of the reflecting pool bubble dorm emerge from their airtight spaces to go grab something to eat USC group plots to kidnap Palms by Holden D. Fiesta The Gamecock The Bush Administration today admitted tJiat it was beliind a plot to kidnap USC President Juan Palms and prevent him from running for the US. Senate seat ' *held by 98-year-old Strom Thurmond. According to government sources, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, the United States Army is using the League Of Students Pissed Off About Tuition, a little-known campus group, as its proxy in an attempt to take Palms hostage and hold him until it would be too late for him to enter a race opposite U.S. Rep. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C. Today, President George “Dubya” Bush admitted his administration had undertaken such efforts. “It’s part of our strategery to maximumize our advantage. If this methodism works here, we will reduplicate it across the nation and put Democrats at an unadvantage in their bid to take control of the Senate,” Bush said in Washington. Thurmond reacted to the news positively. “Eh? I thought George Bush got voted out of office. Well, hell, if that Democrat wants to take over my seat, I gotta congratulate the president. He did a good job in the Gulf, too,” Thurmond said, before being reminded which President Bush was being talked about. “Oh. Damn, we were stupid enough to elect that boy? Well, he did a good job here.” Gov. Jim Hodges said he was “mad as hell.” “I think this is all part of a Republican ploy to hold the lottery up for yet another year,” he said, never bothering to make clear the connection between the two incidents. Political analysts said they didn’t know whether the incident would hurt the Bush Administration. “To be perfectly honest with you, we Palms see page 2 Board apologizes for reprimand ■ Kidnapping plot discovered behind SG endorsements BY I. M. NADACROOK The Gamecock The Board of Student Publications and Communications gave a formal apology to The Gamecock's Editor in Chief Brock Veigakis at a secret press conference held in a broom closet on the third floor of the Russell House. The Board’s apology came after discovering that Veigakis had been replaced by an imposter who works as a bartender at Elbow Room. , “We are truly sorry for our actions and sincerely iiope that Mr. \feigakis will accept our apologies with no hard feelings,” Director of Communists Tea Brewer said. “Can’t we all just get along?” The Board’s apology followed the discovery of a dastardly phut orchestrated by Student Government to infiltrate The Gamecock staff and ensure no SG candidate endorsements would run in the newspaper. Their plan was to kidnap Vergakis and replace him with a lookalike. G. Foreman Stone and Fez Hat Versachi were taken into custody Thursday night after a trail of red tape that led police from the burglarized office of Student Government to the culprits’ dorm rooms. Stone and Versachi confessed to the burglary before producing tapes that, according to police sources, linked SG Vice President Notta Balia to the kidnapping. “I want you to break into The Gamecock offices and drop GHB into Vergakis’ Pepsi,” Balia said on the tapes, copies of which were obtained by The Gamecock. “Once we ship him to Israel, we can replace him with that bartender from Five Points.” Kidnapping see page 2 Campus fight breaks out — or so we think by Joe Kurosawa The Gamecock . A major brawl apparently occurred on the Horseshoe a few days ago. This came as a big surprise to The Gamecock, which prides itself on being on top of these things. However, conflicting reports have made finding out what happened extremely difficult. About 27,500 of USC’s 26,000 students have heard something about the brawl, and they’re all totally different. “Oh, it was the worst thing I ever saw,” said one witness, who predictably chose to remain anonymous. “There were so many people... It was just... I don’t even know the words for it.” Another incoherent witness said the exact opposite. i wiuw a wuiu iui uidi iigiu. icuiic. There were only four people involved. And it seemed to be more like shadow boxing,” another witness said. The number of people involved range from about three or four people to about 1,500, all of whom fled out of either Rutledge Chapel, DeSaussure, Woodrow, Pickney, Legare, Harper-Elliot, the Faculty House or, surprisingly, Swearingen, which is nowhere near the Horseshoe. The president’s house and the Caroliniana Library were apparently not involved, though we possibly just haven’t asked enough people yet. Damages differ, depending on who is asked. One person said there was massive bloodshed, student casualties and the toppling of the Horseshoe flagpole. “Never in my life have 1 seen such carnage,” she said. “And I grew up in Jersey, for cryin’ out loud.” Other reports have it as being nothing more than a powerwalker stubbing her toe, though she claims it really, really hurt. “It was all that vicious dog’s fault. He ran after me and tried to bite me,” the powerwalker said. The “vicious dog,” reportedly a poodle College Press Exchange Hordes of violent students apparently fought here recently, or maybe It was just a group hug. Actually, this Is another college. Pretty, alnt It? named Snookums, seems lo have escaped unharmed. Repeated calls to the Division of Law Enforcement and Safety with questions about the brawl were met with unreasonable replies that The Gamecock “do its own damn work for a change.” After an extensive 15-minute investigation, The Gamecock found a piece of gum on the Maxcy Monument. “Yep, that’s bubble gum, all right,” said The Gamecock’s resident doctor of forensics after testing it thoroughly in the Riot see page 3 Officials pick new six to speak at bicentennial Bessinger Big Biro i-- viz.: '—i Hampton Shore Buchanan Mr.T by Howard Stern Tiie Gamecock Because of USC officials’ failure to get the original Search for Six candidates, it was announced Friday that the administration lias chosen six different people to speak at the school as part of the bicentennial celebration. The original six, Leeza Gibbons, Steven Spielberg, Pat Conroy, Colin Powell, his holiness the Dalai Lama and Dr. Patch Adams, have all told the university that they are booked for the year. Adams was willing to come to USC if the university raised $ 15,000 for charity. “USC students wouldn’t do anything like that,” Student Body President Corey Mustang said. “We are the most apathetic university on the East Coast.” With two weeks left in school, another online poll wouldn’t be possible, according to university spokesperson Jason McKinney. Therefore, a group of USC administrators took it upon themselves to randomly pick six new celebrities the university feels it can get to speak at ‘You gotta wake up every day and eat your coffee. Get your eight hours of drugs. Stay off sleep. Stay in milk. And drink your school.’ Mr. T Fool-pitying badass use. The new celebrities are alumnus and deceased former S.C. governor Wade Hampton, Pauly Shore for the arts category, Maurice Bessinger for business, Pat Buchanan for politics, Big Bird for education and Mr. T for religion. Officials were dismayed when they found out Hampton has been dead for the past 98 years. “We’ll just have to go dig his ass up. It’s our 200th birthday; it wouldn’t be right if he didn’t show up,” said Jerry Pruitt, one of the voting administrators. Pruitt also came up with some ideas on how the school was planning to get such big names as Big Bird and Mr. T. “Big Bird’s simple — we’ll just get a ton of bird seed and make a path from Sesame Street to USC,” Pruitt said. Pruitt praised Shore’s work and his willingness to come to USC. “The genius of Pauly Shore, as seen in such classics as Jury Duty and Son in Law, perfectly embodies the Carolinian Creed in his willingness to consistently give of himself to make the world a brighter, funnier place,” Pruitt said. “Anyway, all he wanted was five bucks,” he added. “Bessinger doesn’t have anything else to do,” he said. “And we’ll change our name for the day to Bob Jones Six SEE PAGE 3 weather Coming Up Quote of the Day Product Warning Today 28 16 Tuesday 169 145 * Back to normal - for this year's last issue Wednesday I “To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to all life’s problems.” — Homer Simpson This is the last night many of us will ever work at The Gamecock, and in celebration, we’ve decided to have a little fun with today’s issue and have taken a few liberties. OK, we took a lot of liberties. But it’s been one hell of a year, and we’ll be returning to our normal selves for the final paper of the semester on Wednesday. To the future members of The Gamecock, we hope you have as much fun as we did. Continue to inform, entertain, provoke and generally piss off the Carolina Community.