Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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Viewpoints Just robbed a bank? Follow these tips on what NOT to do ' t h lews eports in recent years M of grisly tales of blood, mass homicide-and suicide, most no tably the Columbine High School shootings and its many sib lings, as well the Heaven’s Gate cult and its pulse-stopping counterparts, it warms the heart to see a good, old-fashioned dumb crook story - star ring benign idiots who couldn’t suc cessfully steal an egg from under a sleeping chicken. This is in reference, of course, to the three dimwits who “knocked over” a bank in West Columbia last week, two of which were caught almost im mediately. The third cohort does deserve some credit for eluding capture for the better part of the week, but as evi denced by the captured-in-time-for dinner operation by local police of the first two, it was only a matter of time before Jesse James Number Three was in custody. First of all, why didn’t these as piring Einsteins take into account that a dye pack would most certainly ex plode in their freshly looted bag of cash? Their oversight resulted in a des perate attempt to dispose of the ink smeared currency out the window of their moving getaway car (probably a 1983 Yugo with three wheels), stain ing their hands and sending sticky, brightly colored bills spraying into the air along Highway 378, complete with fingerprints. And how about that brilliant get away plan, consisting of little more than running into the woods near a res idential area? Perhaps they figure^ they could survive on licking the money dye from their hands for a few days until a space ship from planet Moron descended to whisk them away to a blissful eterni ty with all of the other dumb crooks and suicide-cult victims. After the capture of master crim inals one and two, hardened despera do three had the right idea, for a com plete idiot, at least. Laying low and out of the public spotlight would prove to be a stellar strategy for the criminal mastermind until his razor-sharp brain, dripping with genius, led him to hang out at a local franchise of the world’s largest hamburger chain, waiting for an un suspecting couple to carjack. What Gelatin Head failed to consider was that the average cheese burger fan had more fire and smarts than he, nearly knocking him into for ever a few decades early with a half ton of steel and wheels. Perhaps most laughable is the con stant news coverage describing the lone remaining criminal as “armed and very dangerous.” Armed, sure, which is amazing, considering he didn’t use all of his am munition shooting tree bark for food. But dangerous? nuw man)' uiu uie mas ter marksman nail as he fired his gun randomly in a public area? Not one. Everyone walked away, albeit with their knees a little wobbly. So, rest easy. Perhaps this type of criminal is part of the new wave of wannabe crime stars, approaching their craft with the same forethought as lit tle puppies messing on the furniture. Maybe the manufacturers of mon ey dye could take their product to a' whole new level: fruit flavored money dye, so at least complete id iots can enjoy the taste of their hands while awaiting their inevitable capture. John Huiett is a jornalism senior and news editor. He can be reached at game cockviewpoints Ohotmail.com “Rivei&ettd 100 Riverbend Drive W. Columbia, SC 29169 Enjoy a campus atmosphere without the dorm atmosphere. • State of the art Fitness Center • Multi Station Computer Lab • Fax & modem station linked to USC campus • Study area • Two on-site Laundry Facilities • Spacious 1,2,& 3 bedroom apartments • Swimming pools • Tennis court • Catering to students • Lounge area • On-site 24 hr. maintenance 794-2948 Fax 794-0017 wvAv.riverbendapts.com 10. Things I Hate about Housing I finally had enough. I can’t stand living on campus! And it is n’t just one thing ... oh, no, there are many things: Here are the top 10 reasons: 10. Roaches -1 was living in South Quad this summer, and I must have killed about 20 roaches. I mean, if the Uni versity is going to provide a place tor students to live, they should make sure the rooms are pest free. 9. Maintenance -1 have had such prob lems with USC’s maintenance system. A prime example happened just last month. On July 3rd, the light in my room blew out, so I called the 777-FIXX num ber. Do you know when they came to fix it? July 28. So it takes a month to fix a light bulb? I don’t think so! 8. Fire Drills -1 know it’s necessary to have fire drills, but it is completely un necessary to have fire drills at 3 a.m. Or to have insipid people pull the fire alarms and make everyone leave the building at 3 a.m. These people should be punished severely for endangering the lives of their fellow students. 7. Uncomfortable furniture - Last year, I lived at Bates West, and the furniture there was so uncomfortable. God forbid I had to have overnight guests, because there was no way anyone could sleep on that couch. And the furniture at South Quad wasn’t much better. The couch is a loveseat, so, again, no overnight guests. 6. Cable selection - Gamecock Vision - yeah, you get, like, 10 channels. No VH1, no movie channels. How are we supposed to live? 5. Computer labs - During my freshman year, I lived at Bates House, and the com puter lab there was open 24 hours. How ever, during my nine months there, I don’t think there was one time when ALL the computers were in working or der. Not to mention that the printer was broken half the time, too. And this sum mer when I lived at South Quad, there was no computer lab, and the one at the towers was closed off. So in order to check my e-mail, 1 had to come up to the Newsroom, which was a real incon venience. 4. Toilet-Paper Gnomes - Yeah, you know, like, when your toilet paper gets stolen from in front of your door. No wonder they’re so jolly, they have more than a square to spare. 3. Visitation - The visitation rules at this university are completely ridiculous. Here I am 20 years old and I have to reg ister my guests, i mime i am responsible enough to say who can or cannot visit me. Technically, my freshman year I could not have a male relative spend the night, simply because he was male. 2. Parking - The parking around some dorms (i.e. Columbia Hall, Capstone, towers and South Quad) is slim to none and metered. I think that parking near where you live is important, consider ing the number of muggings that occurred last fall semester near Capstone. How safe is it really to walk from the Senate Street Garage to Capstone at 2 a.m.? 1. Prices - The prices they charge for on campus housing is ludicrous. A friend and I figured out (noW this is a rough es timate) that for four people, South Quad costs nearly $20,000, or $5,000 per res ident. Now, I lived there and it is not worth close to $20,000 - more like $20. Ann Marie Miani is a journalism junior and man aging editor. She can be reached at gamecockview points@hotmail. . com • •