The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, July 29, 1998, Page Page 4, Image 4
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Page 4 The Gamecock
Hollywood wit
Richard GREGG
Columnist
Oriirinallv t./vtav's artirlp was
going to be about USC's version of
the Nazi Storm Troopers, otherwise
known as the meter maids. However,
I received a call from a fan who told
me that although he enjoyed my column,
"did I have to be so negative in
them?"
To make this a happy experience
for you, the reader, I suggest that you
pour ten shots of whiskey and drink
them periodically while reading this
column. By the end of my ranting, I
guarantee that you will not only be
ecstatic about my writings but also
about the Domino theory (which is:
no Domino's driver has ever held a
valid driver's license) and that little
crust that forms in the corner of your
eyes. Now, to the column.
For those of you who haven't
made it out to the local Cineplex lately,
here is a preview of the movies
that you will find there:
Armageddon? A tale about what
happens at an unnamed business
school after the students find out
that their tuition is increasing even
after Darla Moore has given the
school $25 million. Opening in
August
The Truman Show?This feel good
movie shows what happens when
President and Mrs. Truman are
rauaVtt nr> mora malrincr u/nnnnr^
vuuguv wu VUU1U1U n uvu|/vv..
Shown as a double feature with The
Facts of Life Goes to Cedar Rapids,
these are the two most wretched and
disgusting things one could watch
Six Days Seven Nights? A comedy
based on how long it takes a student
at Clemson to count to twelve
without removing his shoes. Starring
Rob Schneider as the typical
LETTED /Ym/rtniw/ frrtm ttnw thrPP
sport in the country, but is growing
internationally as well, primarily in
Japan (I dont think the Japanese
would appreciate being called "redneck").
Also, unlike athletes who
dont lose their "big shoe deals" for
poor performance, NASCAR drivers
work their butts off to keep their
sponsors (several drivers have lost
sponsorship in the past few years).
I do not, and share the same view
as other race fans, consider myself a
redneck! If vou ever bo to a race.
there are those that would seem
what you call "redneck," but there
are also those that appear (in YOUR
opinion) "normal" And who's to say
that those "rednecks" aren't intelligent
business men and women
(Women?? NASCAR viewing by
women has increased 30% in the
past two years!). To persecute people
^POINTS
Wednesday, July 29,1998
h a USG twist
Clemson student Co-starring Jerry
Lewis as the Physics professor.
Mulan?About a cross-dressing girl
who likes to go around and whack
things off with a sharp object.
IstarriniT T /iron q Rnhhitt ac thd vnim
of Mulan.
With excellent viewing fare
offered to the public such as the
above, ifs a wonder that Hollywood
is still in business. Instead, I offer my
version of the Great American Movie,
one that will touch you deep (hopefully
about $8.00 worth). Ifs about a
dashingly handsome Gamecock
columnist and the problems he must
face.
Scene 1 (in The Gamecock).
Excited student "My God, an asteroid
is heading right for campus."
Columnist "And the USC administration
still won't cancel class. Quick,
I feel ifs time to write another column."
Scene 2 (on a ship that looks suspiciously
like the Titanic). Girl (leaning
over the rail, regretting eating at
the (heap buffet): "Oh Jack, what is
to become of us?" Columnist "Who's
Jack? And what happened to the
asteroid?"
Scene 3 (Back in The Gamecock).
Columnist "Let's see, my all-over oil
massage with Pamela Anderson is in
five minutes. I hope nothing goes
wrong until then. (Just thai, Joe
Fesci and Robert DeNiro walk in,
carrying baseball bats.) Joe: "We's
herd that ewe been bad muthing the
USC administration. This is no
good." Columnist: "Wow. You can
actually say a word like administration.
Will the asteroid wipe out all
signs of intelligent life? Will the USC
administration then find itself as the
only breathing thing left (m earth?
Watch for the mini-series this fall, on
FOX.
for their pastime activities is an outrage!
You complained that Protestants
have "quickie weddings." There are
no biblical rules on wedding length.
For you to say "It's okay to talk nasty
about any Christians" is pure heresy!
If you profess to be a Christian, you
would "love your neighbor as your
seu.
I think instead of deporting
NASCAR fans, we should deport selfcentered,
opinionated people like
yourself Better yet, why dont you
get a life, join the real world and quit
bashing people just because you didn't
get your way?
Chris Frank
Senior
College of Applied Professional
Sciences