The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, October 23, 1980, Page Page 7, Image 7
vvedne
B8^
> \l ill
Knowing
By Dr. Michael E. Cavanagh
(Dr. Cavanagh is a clinical
psychologist and a professor of
psychology at the University of San
v Francisco, This article was reprinted
with permission from the July I960
Catholic Update. Copyright by St.
Anthony Messenger Press, 1615
Republic St.. Cinncinati. Ohio 45210.)
Dating is a very important
time because the vast
majority of me serious
problems occurring in
marriage can be traced back
to dating days.
I don't believe I've seen a
couple with significant
marital problems who did
not agree the "handwriting
was on the wall" long before
the day they married. It's
sad to hear, "If only we had
recognized the signs, then^
we could have done
something either to
o ~
strengthen the relationship
or to dissolve it." The
following is an attempt to
prevent others from saying
the same thing two, four or
six years from now.
It is possible to evaluate a
dating (or any other)
relationship by taking a
realistic look at the two
people involved. It is
essential that we come to
know ourselves and the other
as well as we can.
The more an individual
possess self-knowledge, the
more he or she will make ?
y Vv
j * * v . *
'' 1 * /
Weekend
IBass V\
The origii
J landsewn const ructioi
and durability tiadi
"B.lSS " if ^ 11
He dr
J^^l^alu^Ave.
*r .
-fealte3:
gsday ?
in KJ!
y*0F^? < I
saSBbOTifME
f can mea
life decision with a sound
fniinrlof inn A lif/v
uuuuauuii, n me UCV191UU
based on a minimum of selfknowledge
will eventually
erode.
A person cannot give what
he or she does not have. An
individual who has had
many years of practice at
loving somebody ? the self
? can easily transfer some
of this love to another.
People with self-love treat
il - > ?
uiciuaciyca as nicy WOUIU
treat a loved one. They
respect themselves and do
not behave in ways that will
diminish this respect.
People with healthy selflove
need the love of others
to grow but not to survive,
wnereas tnose with
inadequate self-love need the
love of others to survive. A
dating relationship that
demands another's love for
survival forebodes great
problems later
The person who is acutely
aware of what he or she is
feeling can control the
feeling and communicate it
constructively.
Emotions like hurt, fear or
anger can cause4 great
damage in a relationship
when they are not accurately
labeled and communicated.
Some people confuse
feeling hurt with being weak.
This causes them to deny
WPP II IMQ<J
V L. k-U B
Man 'c
iti^I -?
reejuns:
lal loafers
11 legendary comfort
tional styling. If it says
ie reaI thing.
* ?
1CKS I
^7|?9-336^^|
, I. 11 TiTTiuBTrnm? mi J
- iw vit >r'ii - I
fwt All <ag:vj?o&f ^hi^rxffisi
I WJWfWW
(Photo by Wayne Bradby)
n loving
they are ever hurt. Others
are so frightened of being
hurt that they wear a thick
skin which causes them to
trade off warmth and
closeness for safety.
When you recognize that
you are hurt, how do you
handle it? Some people hide
and lick their wounds.
Others hurt back. Still others
keep it to themselves, ensuring
that they will get hurt
again, in the same way, by
the same person. Until a
person can communicate
some version of "Ouch ?
that hurt; we'd better talk
about it," he or she is not
ready to live intimately with
another person. We need to
approach other emotions in a
similar way.
People with confidence in
t h#?i r nwn u/nrth annmanh
others assuming that they
will be liked and accepted
until they learn otherwise.
Such individuals have a
. serene appreciation for their
own goodness and recognize
that their faults and
wcarviicD5C5 die uuiwcigucu
by their likability or
lovableness.
People who fear rejection
assume that, sooner or later,
the other will discover
something negative in them
and not wish to be with them
anymore.
The constant state of
wariness rules out the
possibility of entering into a
deep commitment.
It is equally important to
know your intended spouse.
The most frequent lament of
divorced people is: "My
husband (wife) changed so
much after we got married."
In the majority of cases, the
SnrtSSCf* HlH nnt /ihorina nt nil
V..V. liWI Vliuilgv ai Ctll.
It was simply that problems
ignored or rationalized away
before marriage eventually
forced their way into the
marriage and destroyed it.
To help a person see his or
her partner in a more
realistic way, the following
questions are offered as
starters.
Is there a significant
difference between how your
partner reacts to you in
private and in public?
Is your friend equally
attentive and thoughtful in
both sitimtinnc or Haac ho r?r
she treat you nicely in
private but ignore or embarrass
you in public ? or
vice-versa? If this is the
case, then it indicates that
your friend's feelings toward
you are not very deep but
change according to the
situation or the whims of the
moment. This does not augur
well for future happiness.
How reliable or diligent is
your partner at work or at
school?
If he or she works in a
i
cimscieiiuuus anu persevering
manner, these
traits could well carry over
into you relationship. If the
person you are dating
typically experiences .
problems at work or at
school, similar problems will
likely show up in the "work"
parts of the love relationship.
?Does your partner have a
basic liking for people?
The nersnn whn liltpc
people works on the
premise: "I like you until
you give me some substantial
reason not to."
Those., who basically
dislike others sometimes are
seen as an attractive
challenge. If this person
likes me, I might assume I
am pretty special because he
or she doesn't like many
people.
The key consideration,
however, is that people who
generally dislike others
generally dislike them-.
rtl jrw) Sauerkraut, Chicken Paprikaih, Hot I
d, Spat/el, Cheeie-Bread and Butter Pud- TT
Green Peas, Braised Red Cabbage. Potato fi
vied Salads. Caraway Stick? and Assorted Wjl?
Of Coffee IB'
tax & tip included (*K
? Detierli fxtra ? I JL
ill B19# for reservations ? ^3?95
I
V- ^ t .1 *\ A _
selves. They cannot deeply
give of themselves because
they don't like what they are
giving.
How does your partner
treat family and friends?
If the person you are
dating is kind to family and
friends, it means that he or
she knows how to show af
lection. Sharing affection
with you would be easy for
your potential mate.
A friend who has a good
deal of resentment toward
family, or who has no friends
or treats others in a
demeaning, exploitive
manner, may eventually
include you under the same
umbrella of resentment and
exploitation.
Do you like your partner's
friends?
As trite as it sounds, birds
of a feather do flock
together, although it doesn't
always appear so. We choose
people as friends because
they meet our needs,
recognize our strengths and
weaknesses and share our
beliefs, attitudes and values.
Sometimes a person will
state: "I love my boyfriend
(girlfriend), but I can't
stand his (her) friends."
There mav be subtle or overt
attempts to discourage the
partnt from maintaining
the other relationships.
It could well be, however,
that the person you are
dating shares some of the
negative traits of friends,
even though you deny it. If
your partner is as lovable,
good or healthy as you think
it may well be worth exploring
what he or she gets
from friendships.
jrh we've donet
OEMEL
bars Also
l \ We Alsc
\j\ Buy Scra|
\|\ Gold!
rHE fEWELRY W
kTT SPRINGS RD., W
MliV 11m ImmI dm.
! Wednesday
I
Thursday thru
TheJ
William:
Join ()ur I ldll<
with The
I SW'
I $100,001
j Best Cc
Does your partner have
negative traits or problems
that you feel will improve
after the marriage?
If so, the chances are very
tJrwwi thnt vnn will ho
disappointed. Marriage is
like a magnifying glass ? it
doesn't change what it
magnifies; it simply
enhances it. What was
positive in a person becomes
even more positive, and
what was negative becomes
even more negative.
Marriage is not a substitute
for psychotherapy.
Many people are naive about
what it takes to change
human hphavinr Thpv think
a loving relationship will
cure problems with
drinking, temper,
selfishness, communication,
anger, compulsions,
depression, laziness,
jealousy, sex, suspiciousness
and ulcers. It is like expecting
a college football
player's inability to block to
be cured once he enters
professional football.
Perhaps the saddest words
I hear are: "Well, the
problem was there before we
were married hut T thnueht
my love and the responsibilities
of marriage and
parenthood would help my
spouse grow out of it."
Significant negative traits
and problems should be
changed before one decides
on a lifelong commitment to
another person.
The more time you spend
in dating, and the more
varied people you date, the
more opportunity mere will
be for making a decision you
can live with for life.
THOUSANDS
TGOLDI
into hammered y'\
es with cut out ft
I
AREHOUSE SALE j,n
I. COLA. 9 til 6 Mon.-Sat. H
othrr J+wmlry S?r?"
2009 Greene Street
John
irannen
Saturday
'ack
s Band
nveen I 'arty
imming I
Pool Q's 1
Prize For I
>stume 1