Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

* V 1" W Dill II Satire inm m* i ne roue and the Squire t ^ GAMECOCK Kdren Lei i uitor I dith MtNi'ill 6<trl),?H Mathews Lloyd Woods '? ?vs L O'lO' .sist.inl Opinion I'.itjr I iiitor Jane Shealy David Shmgiei Sally Wilson Asst. News Edit ( , ,,,, nt | ,. |l>r ",|iorls I >;itor U.in t'alma ban, Glenn Vmti-Moorc i >1 w v r .t'l ..SV t : 'rf ml i ;. tuf ' r?|*>r i* ( IMUI 'jtcplicii McCorm<?ck k.kcii Woolen bill htipalnck l'i oiogr<iphy I chlor roiiu*. * on V??t <kji r 'V??ii?hht THE GAMECOCK welcomes letters from its readers. Letters should be limited to a single subiect and a maximum o1 300 words. They must b? signed with the writer's true name. Pseudonyms or other aliases will not be used, but the writer's name will be withheld if circumstances warrant. To assist us in verifying the identity of writers, please include your mailing address and a telephone number where you can be reached. Please include class standing and major, also. We reserve the right to edit all letters, not for content, but to meet our space limitations. Address: Campus Opinion, The Gamecock, Drawer A, USC, Columbia, S C. 2??0? PI "Now wl By LLOYD WOODS Opinion Page Kit 1 tor Once upm a time... in our favorite little kingdom of Usurpia, Popti Doody was trying to see if he could fit one of his holy feet into his mouth. Much to his surprise, he found that his mouth could accomodate both of his holy feet, plus a basketball, but we arc* getting ahead of ourselves. Let us start at the beginning. Not long ago when Usurpia's Royal Dungeon Trustees selected Doody to be Pope they made it clear that they expected him to revamp Usurpia's basket weaving program. "How can I, a simple holy man," asked the Pope, "revamp something I know nothing about?" a T..?* i?i.? ? >> ..:j ?U? T> juai lone uui (tuvicc, sdiu iiic nusiucs. "We know what to do. Just do as we say and everything will be peachy. The first thing you have to do is can the basket weaving trainer. Frank the Squire." "Oh!" exclaimed the Pope. "Surely I cannot do that. The people of Usurpia and the people o. Cackalacky, the land in which our kingdon. lies, love Frank the Squire." "Well, we don't love him." said the Trustees "and we want him out." Figuring that it was either his skin or Frank tho Snnirp's Pono DonHv callpH fnrth thi? ? ?i ? wrv ? ? Squire. "Well, Squire, or Frank if I may," the Pope said, "I've decided that it was about time that you had a promotion." But your Holiness, I m happy where I am. 1 love being the trainer of one of the best baskei weaving teams of any kingdom!" exclaimea Frank the Squire. "I realize that Frank," said the Pope. ' But ^ ? rr . v / ^ hat..?" 'r' .. % a c 1 even you must realize that you are not getting any younger. You have only got a few more basket weaving contests in you. Besides, we really neea you somewnere else. "What have you got in mind?" asked Frank the Squire. "We really need someone to take charge of v all of our enterprises in the Colonial Marshes, said the Pope. "We need someone who can control not only basket weaving, but also pig skin curing and vampire bat breeding. I truly believe you are the man. It is not every man who is as qualified as you to be a Royal Governor from the kingdom of IJsiirnia " "I appreciate your offer Pope Doody," said Frank the Squire, "but I think I would rather train basket weavers for a few n.-ore years." "I am sorry, Frank," said the Pope, "but the Dungeon Trustees want you out, and I must admit that I do not have the guts to stand up ^ against the Trustees. You either go to the Marshes, or go to Hell. Either way you will not be coaching much longer." Frank the Squire was shocked. After all the great basket weaving teams he gave Usurpia he never expected to be treated the way Pope Doody had treated him. He felt betrayed. But Frank the Squire did not stand alone. The Tvncfooc >yiq\; haim fnrrtnHnn (ho Have r?f Iii'iii "'"J ????'- .U.6V?V-N W.V, Roach, Thom Hiker, Blevin Royce and Thommie Bowens, just a few of the many great basket weavers trained by Frank the Squire, but the Usurpians and Cackalackians did not forget. They rallied behind the Squire. Some * were prepared to die for him. Others were ready to kill. Pope Doody's days were numbered and he knew it. Pope Dcody thought, and thought, and thought and thought. "What can I do?" he asked himself. "I have got to get my feet and this basketball out of my mouth." """"N But of course, he really had only one choice. He went before the Usurpians and - Cackalackians. * ^ "My friends," he said, \j> j "there has been a terrible y". misunderstanding. I want you to know I never intended to do any harm to Frank the Squire. f I really thought the job in the Marshes was a very good promotion, and I would like to IV*" take this moment to thank all iSSk. 0 y?u w^? su6gested that mavbe I should takp tbp inh jinstead of Frank. I'd like to, but I am afraid I am not qualified. I just want you all to know that Frank the Squire Quranmu vv m ueuniieiy ue duck mis year SuljUS^ to lead our basket weavers on to many victories, so you can | stop the 'Frank the Squire for Pope Campaign.' Frank is agoing to be very busy." Is this the end of the Dungeon Trustees' power struggle in Usuroia? Will Sun Snot, formor < Speaker of Rhetoric in the Cackalackian Congress finally admit he controls the Trustees? Will trainer Bimbo Marlin's pig skin curing team ever learn now to cure pig skins? Will Pope Doody wipe that silly smile off his face and start acting like a Pope and not ;?i?IEvVS a puppet of dungeon v^?.j 11usitra: ivecp an eye on Usurpia and maybe someday you will get some answers.