Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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Senate A Student Senate for the Housing Of The present polic room for an entire Marriage, graduat only reasons the U We hope the Div Office and everyon of this absurd polic The policy was o university was turr semester and was: The university. wa fully occupied most This is what was dorm conditions, dr ens, etc., were usinj ment to move into t campus housing is r and even occasiona ferable to USC dori The administration i rather than the cau The administratior tions on open house, policies; and perhal extent that womer Baker, in the Towei of Women Visitors The Gutenberg e. The WE BY HARRY HOPE Dear Diary, It is now dawn on a grey Sunday morning and Tom and I haven't got ten to sleep yet! All this on top of losing to Clemson! What perils in this academic world. Well, anyway, to the story. Tom and I got in late last night wet, cold, hungry and disgusted. What a day! I thought Death Valley was hot and dry. Anyway, I got Tom a glass of warm milk and he went into the den and started crying. I thought he was crying because Hal Brunton had told him USC was a million dollars in the hole, but he said it was because of that loss to Clemson. Honestly, I don't know why he takes these practical jokes so seriously. And then there were those four guys from Gay Lib who wanted Tom to get them seats on the bench so they could look at the players closer. Really! I know a lot of die-hard football fans are latent homos who like the idea of bodily contact, but this was too far. Anyway, I thought Tom was going to cry himself to sleep when the doorbell rang and it was a man from Tongue in cheek Post inva A December morning chill lay over the USC campus. The day of invasion had come. High atop the Top of Columbia Restaurant stood a lone figure scanning the horizon with his Sears and Roebuck field glasses. Clad in an overcoat with fur collar, his spit polished knee boots protruding beneath, R. Linton Furher called his leiutenant forward and gave the command. The clink-i-tty clank in the dis tance broke the silence as 10 divi sions of semi-modified and revitalized Volkswagons crawled on their treads toward Chickenland. They came from all directions most with bumper stickers saying "Honk if you Love Jesus," and some with "Get your Heart in Dixie or Get your Ass Out." Fluterring from the resoluti resolution introduced last ni rice to review its room rental y forces students to sign up fo year or forfeit a rather hefty ion or withdrawal from schoo: niversity will recognize for a ision of Business Affairs, the e else who had a part in the f< y will indeed reconsider it. rginally set a few years ago v ing students away from dorm: ;tuck with empty rooms in tht s loosing money by not havin of the time. happening: Students, disgus aconian rules, roaches and rats, g a semester in a dorm to find 4 he following semester. Now n ather crummy itself, but its ad' I disadvantages make it eminei nitories. ,ealized this, but attacked the sy se by tightening the housing < i should continue to phase out eventually abandoning in loco >s remodel present men's dorr 's dorms already have been. 's, became a woman's dorm, Ti or somebody toured it after :periment ,athermer Western Union with a sack of con dolences. Tom just read 'em and cried. So did I - a lot of them were from members of the IPTAY club. I know they have a lot of cows around Clemson but they didn't have to send so much bullshit through the mail. (Really, Diary, this football thing has gone too far. I'll be glad when Frank gets to work again, although I'm a soccer fan, myself.) I decided to sit up with Tom until he could get to sleep. We sat through "The Green Slime" and the "National Anthem" and he still coul dn't sleep. About two o'clock the doorbell rang. I knew who was there, so I yelled "Come In." I was right - it was Dietzel. He was covered from head to toe with foul-smelling mud ( I said there were a lot of cows around Clemson) and he was wear ing sackcloth and ashes. Before either of us could say anything he yelled "Remember, I've got a 12 year contract and if you fire me, you'll have to pay me for those 12 years! Just you tell that to Michael J. Mungot And Ed Saleeby - and anyone else who makes any snide comments!" I was going to say Lsiofl Rust antenna of each of these Panzers was a Swastika super-imposed on the Stars and Bars. In the weeks prior to the invasion the fiery speeches of R. Linton Furher had rattled the bones of all those within earshot as he spread the "massage" of National Social ism. The Furher was no fool, he knew the importance of controlling the press. So he had subtly planted his doctrines in letters to the editor of the "Gamecock" under the fictiti ous name R. Linton Admiral. The radio station had been tougher-he hadn't been able to penetrate it because frankly he was scared. A big burly fellow named Orlando ran the station-the name sounded Jew ish to the Furher. No matter, he would deal with the radio after he took novr-ha mania on asks ght calls vacated it ff policies, down condi r a dorm of renovati deposit. repainted, l+ [ are the any need fo refund. If the unii Housing ing opportu >rmation and lease tl rent them t then the many times the fall housing bus: spring- fill in your < g dorms Of course will be revie ted with is flirting w no kitch- has recently in apart- viously bad tuch off- obviously in rantages policy. aitly pre- In the loni or has plan, mptoms These may :ontract. elephants in restric- victims of c parentis dropping su is to the At any ral (When that the uni ie Board along. Too 1 the men i behind I something about the first anniver sary of the Denver Broncos offer but I kept my mouth shut.He made a few obscene comments about the GROD Gazette and strode into the den where Tom was. Then they spent an hour crying on each other's shoulder. I heard Paul say he did everything right - he burned a lamb, gave up offerings, prayed in every church within twenty miles. He even watched the team practice. Oh, he was really crying. He kept sobbing things like "I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnell" (I think he got that from an old McNamara speech) "We had to go for the two points - can't you see? And the mud - mud all over the place." Tom said he thought Joe Pinner the weather man was behind it all, and Paul said wasn't that just like the Weather men, not content to overthrow the country, they gotta overthrow him. "Oh, how am I ever going to face the millions of people in TV land Monday night? With Joe Petty mak 'ing snide remarks and those cameramen making obscene ges tures trying to get me to break up on the air - oh, I tell you, Tom, the academic world is not an easy 3ell HOUSe accuse this burly fellow of being of Negro descent and have him shot along with the other darkies. Back on the invasion front the Dune-Buggy Corps was rumbling to a halt as it crossed the Horse-shoe and approached the Green Street crosswalk. The President's home had been taken, but it was rumered that he would be kept on when he promised coffee and donuts and a post-invasion reception for the troopers. Still other rumors held that he had put forth a new program for the troops call "University With Walls" where credit would be offered in independent study of tor ture techniqes and a baccalauriate program in genocide. One other staff member was spared on the sweep through the inner campus. Vice presden for needed )r the summer. They were a tion and threw a hissy. Soo onswere made-carpet was itchens were installed. Of ci r this while men lived there.) rersity refuses to provide near nities it could get out of the ie dorms to a private firm w o students. Harold Brunton he wished the university cot iness, food services, campus s )wn pet peeve. anyone who actually expect wed and changed to give stude ith insanity. And although th been remodeled, restructure image changed, its glitter w a few months when they reft g view, the university is prese s for constructing one or m< well turn out to be fairly in a few years when present dorr oming times when college er bstantially. :e, the Senate resolution is go versity do what it should ha% )ad. oss to CI world. No siree, it's a tremendous fight all the way. And - and you know something, Tom? You're the finest Christian university presi dent I've ever worked with." Tom thanked Paul for that, and Paul said he was going to carpet the Horseshoe with Astroturf just to show his appreciation. Then Paul asked Tom, "You think I get a charge out of running around in this darn cheesecloth, spreading ashes all over my body? I'm no masochist, you know." I was about to tell him he could've fooled me but, like a good USC First Lady, I kept my mouth shut. Oh, Diary, I keep my mouth shut so many times - I'm glad I can at least tell you what I think. Anyway, that's when Hal Brunton came in. He started yelling and screaming at Tom and Paul about how this was going to cost USC much much money because nobody who cared about higher education was going to give any money to Carolina after it lost to Clemson. (Diary, did I ever tell you Hal looks sorta like Henry Kissinger - sorta, I say.) Then Tom told Hal "hell, we could always go back to selling Astroturf," and Hal got so mad I took him into the kitchen and gave 3 :Archie' Business Affairs, Harold Brunton, was looking down the barrel of a Luger when he promised his Arian protagonist a tunnel under Green Street at a reasonable price. The Panzers of the Blitzkrieg had been bogged down there for hours while Dave Spinnazollo led a small band of Russell House Regulars up and down the street screaming obscenities at SCE&G bus drivers. Brunton said the tunnel would be a snap and besides he hadn't built anything all week. With these new plans laid the final assault was being prepared on the Russell House. But drat, it was get ting late in the day and the Furher was getting nervous. He began picking his nose, a nervous afflic tion of his childhood that had recently retm.urnate.. inua change palled at its run n after, all sorts laid, walls were urse no one saw -equivalent hous housing business ho would in turn himself has said ild get out of the hop business, etc, s that the policy nts an even break e Housing Office i and had its pre ill tarnish rather ise to change the ntly constructing are dormitories. agnificent white ns are left empty, irollment will be od, and just asks e been doing all emson? him a glass of lukewarm prune juice and said "Here, Hal, get it out of your system." Then Tom and Paul came in to get it out of their systems and everything was quiet until some clown started playing "Tiger Rag" on his harmonica outside and Paul ran out yelling "LeHeup! LeHeup, KILL!" As he came back in the kitchen, I heard a lot of bones crack ing outside. Then Paul started pray ing "Now I lay me down to sleep ." I guess it's something he got from the other Pope. Anyway, Paul and Hal left together about four o'clock and Tom and I were ready to get to bed when there was a knock at the door. It was John Foard, and he leered at Tom and said "Dr. Jones, I finally got you! I can finally arrest one of you big guys! All these years I've been trying to get my name in the paper by busting a USC big-wig! Where's Paul Dietzel." "He left a little while ago. What are you going to arrest him for?" "Impersonating a football coach." Then he left. I'm glad Paul's going recruiting. He always avoids angry crowds that way. Oh, well, good-night, Diary. MARY ; Bunker? encounter with a Bavarian street walker. It was time to make a decision. The Furher called in his chief meteorologist, Will Perish, who had seen duty during other great inva sions most recently in Death Valley, a small battlefield near Clemson. Will confirmed the Furhers deepest suspicions--darkness to begin in the evening and continuing with spreading light for the morning. The Furher couldn't wait; he would attack. The battle of the Russell House raged through the night. The first floor fell with ease; however the Storm Troopers' ascent to the sec ond floor was somewhat hampered when staff members of the Univer sity Dining Service smeared brea~k