Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

Hamburger Be a sex By BOB CRAFT HEY CHICKS!!! Are you tired of the efforts to liberate you? Are the dictums of Bella, Betty and Ger maine becoming mundane? Hast to thyself ever addressed "If I had Gloria Steinem's looks I'd keep my mouth shut?" Do you think with fondness of the days when it was acceptable to go to college to catch a husband instead of aPh D? Are you tired of sitting in the Gamecock room for hours waiting for someone to pick you up? Are there too few Bogarts for your Bergman? IF THIS IS THE CASE Then enter the all-new, non-phosphate, biodegradeable, second annual Gamecock 'Be A Sexual Object Sweepstakes'! Last year's winner,Miss Connie Sioux Larder of Nawth Rockaway, S.C. says,"I was a poor lonely liberated girl, spending my weekend evenings sipping Sprites in the parking lot at Burger King, discussing David Cassidy with some friends of mine. I never realized my true sexual object potential." She continues "After winning the Sweep stakes and becoming Ms. Sexual Object of 1971, my head became completely turned around. I now spend my weekend evenings in Campus Club South sipping wine coolers and discussing Mick Jagger with some friends of mine. I have now realized my true sexual object potential." Connie Sioux, a vegetable inside a really great hull, has learned both the secrets of being a sexual object and tying her shoes. Insight: re BY HILEL B. SALOMAN cli in USC History Department cc On my recent trip to Mongolia, I D: decided to visit the National Mon- sil golian University in order to com- tr pare their situation with our own. ur Accordingly, one morning I left my di hotel in downtown Ulan Bator and sp took a brief walk to the campus. pc At the information desk I disco- ac vered that the University President Ci and most of the administrators weresi away in Monaco attending a month- ci long conference which was attempt- a ing to map out new means of cutting w * down the university's operating cc expenses. Apparently Mongolian universities were in financial o straights for this was the fifth such ci conference held within the past I I year. In fact, the Mongolian govern- se ment had spent over *5,000,000 on la committees and research organiza- CI tions in order to determine the w reasons for these financial woes. ha In any case, the only full-time a administrator on campus was thed Deputy-Adjunct Vice-Provost to the associate Assistant Dean of Student w Ecological Affairs. Even he, how- 01 ever, was tied up for several days a lecturing to various Women's Libe-M ration groups on Parkinson's Law t and its effect on Pollution. (I As I started to leave, a lovely sec- di retary kindly told me that I mighth contact the Acting Dean of Univer-h sity Priorities who would be return- ci ing from Johannesburg the next P day. Rather than attend the Monaco B Conference, he had gone to South s1 Africa on a recruiting mission i because he had heard someone t remark that there were real "gems" over there. You see, in addition to ir his administrative duties, he was t Heatd of the University Wrestling ai (CTeam. He had wired back to Mon- e golia that there were no wrestlers hi in the country, and the gems refer- el ual object sv "During my reign as Ms. Sexual Object 1971, I met a lot of nice guys, most of wli had posters on their ceiling they wanted to see!" Connie Sioux says "But I always gc look quick before the light goes out." I really ought to do a story on the terrible elecl Bob Craft National Mon I to were diamonds. Rather than opponents grabb eck the thing out he was return- collegiate combat g and would send the Baseball long hair also ke ach to investigate. getting radical id The next day I started for Pablum ling mostly non etzerjab's office which was Pablum could alsi uated in a massive concrete spec- and use their r im not far from the center of the develop a killer iiversity campus. In getting religion gave hi. rections, I discovered that the solace in the ev ectrum could seat the entire injuries; unfortui pulation of Mongolia and could mon in wrestling, comodate five simultaneous After our brief i ~cil B. Demille scenes. While the showed me arot ectrum had never been filled to area and pointei pacity, the university had put in huge circular pl id to host the 1998 Olympics at sewn togethei iich time, no doubt, the seats explained his dis uld be profitably used. mats, saying the Entering Pablum Dietzerjab's seemed contrary fice I was struck by his rosy boys kept mutter ~eeks and youthful appearance. tions, which I 1 elt as if I were witness to a "Pre- meant "w ait ti] nce," a feeling I hadn't had since Sanscript. One t seeing Troy Donahue during a assistants Sobb' eraw County Chitlin Festival. I took me to anoth4 s initially nervous but Pablum's introduce me t ~nd motions, oddly reminiscent of coach, Rank Mag Papal benediction, calmed me wn considerably. Rank Mag jur, w On the walls of Pablum's office University's arch ~re many photos of him wrestling apparently been shaking hands with dignitaries, cessful than Pabl1 da copy of a letter from the Prime in his voice, I I nister offering Pablum the direc- was not a native ship of the "National Chill" (the probably came fi ongolian equivalent of military Tibet. While son aft). Pablum explained that he Dietzerjab, Rank d wrestled with everything but boyantly attired. sconscience. In fact for twenty nsecutive years he had served as esident of the Association of flowing plum-cok ddhist athletes. Dietzerjab with a chartreuse oke eloquently of his commit- Into a corsage typ4 ent to Buddhism and even offered Rank wbas d azz burn my tie in his prayer urn. cme aki I asked Dietzerjab why he further added to sisted upon all of his wrestling appearance. am becoming devout Buddhists, d he gave me a comprehensive Coach Magju planation. For one thing they all noticeably diffei d to shave their heads and this Pablum. He alt, iminated the possibilities of their being Inordinate ieepstakes! service in this town!" If Connie Sioux's success story sounds like nn one you would wish to follow, enter the Be A ne Sexual Object Sweepstakes now! tta Judges for the contest were supposed to be: ou Norman Mailer, Kris Kristofferson, Ernest Hemingway, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison, but they couldn't make it for one reason or another. So I guess I'll have to do it. To enter, you need only to be a female. After that, send a picture of yourself (full figure) with your name and address to: BE A SEXUAL OBJECT SWEEPSTAKES Bob Craft Gamecock Drawer "A" University of South Carolina Columbia, S. C. 29208 Entrants will be judged on solely their physi cal beauty. We aren't going to be hypocritic like the Miss America people and require talent or anything. We feel a 38D is talent enough. Besides having the title Miss Sexual Object of 1972 bestowed upon her at ceremonies in the Holiday Inn of the winner's choice; she will also win: One each of every Playboy product now man ufactured and the Playboy mansion to keep them in A copy of Jane Fonda's and Roger Vadim's marriage license An 8x10 glossy of Johnny Carson smirking at Raquel Welch The complete works of Helen Gurley Brown AND a date with a highly charming but slightly erratic columnist and contest judge. Runner-up gets two dates. golian U. ng their hair in heatedly rude, depending on the The absense of nature of my questions. Magjur had t the boys from just finished a charity camp where as. By schedu- he coached local boys in the art of Buddhist teams fire the boys up archery. As I understood it, he did ligious zeal to not charge any tuition but merely nstinct. Lastly, assessed a nominal fee which would wrestlers some cover expenses (for the next thirty nt of crippling years). Despite his work with local ately not uncom- talent, his team players were all, from the trill in their voices, also iterview, Pablum from Northeastern Tibet; an area ad his coaching noted for its abundance of good with pride to a archists. Unlike the wrestlers, most t of zoysia sods of his boys were religious Moslems, The Coac h and before pulling their bows would rust of synthetic frequently make a move of submis tsomehow they sion to Mecca. o God's will. The Rank Magjur was particularly rig some incanta- proud of his archists academic iter discovered achievements and boasted that his next year"~ in boys were always under orders to of Dietzerjab's "hit the books" as well as the oppos Richerjab then ing coaches. His teams had piled r spot in order to up an impressive list of victories, >an influential for Rank was as good a recruiter ur. as he was a coach. Magjur got visi bly upset when asked if he offered is ichageofthehis boys any added inducements to rsinc team andha come to Mongolia National U., and ry swore that he always gave his kids even more suc- their university bows with no str m. From the trill ig tahd ould tell that he Ig tahd Mongolian, but am Northeastern After the Magjur interview I also ewhat older than got to meet others in the Pantheon was more flam- of athletic coaching and each of Sporting a long them was impressive in his own light. The university had decided that it simply could not be an inter red Tibetan robe national power in every activity and azalea arranged had firmly announced its list of 27 lapel decoration, priorities. Fortunately roller skat ing. His hair ing had gotten in just under the te Tibetan style, wire, and academics would just his commanding have to wait until the list could be expanded. Surely this was a univer sity after my own heart and I firmly -was also of a resolved to return and meet the ent temper than administrators and faculty. That, rnated between however, is another story and will y charming and be told later.